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Rise and shine, students.
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It's a beautiful morning for learning.
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It's 3:00 p.m.
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And you're 45 minutes late.
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00:00:11,349 --> 00:00:13,175
Yeah, I know, I was busy
working on my lesson plan,
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00:00:13,219 --> 00:00:15,003
which I don't know how to do
because I'm not a real teacher,
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00:00:15,047 --> 00:00:16,782
so it took me eight hours.
You're welcome.
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00:00:16,845 --> 00:00:18,618
Now before we jump in,
any word on Drazen?
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No, not yet. He's still in detention.
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So the best thing for us
to do is to stay positive
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and keep studying
for that citizenship test.
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It's what I promised I'd help you with,
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00:00:26,315 --> 00:00:27,822
and it's what Drazen
would want us to do.
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Okay, are you sure Drazen
wouldn't want us to schedule
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00:00:29,743 --> 00:00:31,509
a four-hour deep tissue massage?
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Because I already did that.
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Now, what everybody knows
is that American history
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00:00:35,429 --> 00:00:36,678
is stupid and boring,
19
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but not if you have cool
Professor Garrett in charge.
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I'm jazzing it up.
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Cool people don't say jazzing it up.
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Right, I mean, uh,
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for shizzle.
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Now put away those textbooks.
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We are going to play
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"Celebrity: Citizenship Edition."
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- Ooh!
- Now, in this hat,
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00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:54,198
I have the names of
several historical figures,
29
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,300
and you will have one minute to guess
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as many of them as you can.
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What's the prize?
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Uh...
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It's this bowl of nuts.
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- Sweet. I'm starving.
- No, I wouldn't eat that.
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I dumped a bowl out the other day,
36
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- and it was mostly fingernails.
- Still protein.
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My meal plan's up at school,
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and I spent all my cash on We-Da-Coin,
39
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which is DJ Khaled's cryptocurrency.
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Would you believe it lost
all of its value immediately?
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Yes.
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Okay, Hakim, you are up first.
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60 seconds on the clock. And... go.
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Okay, he's on the one-dollar bill.
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- Pass.
- George Washington.
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Yes. President during World War II,
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- the New Deal...
- Howie Mandel.
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- FDR.
- Yeah, correct.
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Tom Hanks movie character
who is mentally challenged,
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good at ping-pong.
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Forrest Gump.
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He was an important historical figure.
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He uncovered Watergate,
he forced Nixon to resign,
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and he invented jogging.
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- He's a fictional character.
- Yes, I know that.
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I'm trying to keep things interesting.
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I'm a cool teacher. My class is
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- off the chain.
- Stop it.
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This one just says the little
guy from "Game of Thrones."
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Tyrion Lannister!
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Boom. Give me them nuts.
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Ugh.
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There's a Q-tip in there.
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00:02:02,869 --> 00:02:05,870
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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Okay, great class, everybody.
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Hey, you all learned something.
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And I learned
that D-Day was a real battle
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and not a "Terminator" sequel.
See you tomorrow.
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00:02:12,278 --> 00:02:15,713
Ugh, we have to get
all these bags to the car?
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00:02:15,715 --> 00:02:18,650
Griselda, does this bar have,
like, a butler?
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No, this bar does not have a butler.
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Ugh, well, we'd call ours,
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but it's actually
really toxic right now.
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He's fighting with our sommelier,
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and they're not speaking
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but they were using
the chef as a liaison
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but then they found out
that they were both
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sleeping with her.
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That's right, chefs can be girls.
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Chef, you guys have, like, a chef?
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No, we have three chefs.
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One cooks for us,
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and the other two cook for each other.
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Oh. If you wanted, you know,
I can help you take your bags
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to your apartment where the chefs are,
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then, you know, I guess I could, like,
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eat the food, if they make it.
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Just so we're clear,
you are agreeing to take
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all of these bags
from our car into our apartment
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and take it all out and organize it
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in order of how hot
we find the designer?
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Whatever you want.
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Fine with us,
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but don't sleep with our butler.
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Just kidding. You can.
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Hey, if either of you want to join,
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I was gonna check out the new
"Fast and the Furious" movie.
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This one's just cars, no people.
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I hear there are sex scenes.
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Sorry, as much as I'd like
to see two cars make love,
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I already have a prior commitment,
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which I have to go to alone,
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so, please, don't follow me.
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Garrett.
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I think there's something
going on with Hakim.
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Oh, okay. There's a 7:45.
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Ooh, the 8:45 is in 3-D.
That'll be very gross.
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He's being all secretive,
and that's not like him.
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I think we need to follow him
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and make sure everything's okay.
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Sure, yeah, you know what?
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The thing is, I kind of, you know,
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I signed up to teach everybody about,
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like, the Constitution and stuff,
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so this seems like it's a little bit
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above my pay grade, which remains zero,
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by the way, not that I'm complaining.
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I'm just, you know...
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- complaining.
- What if it's something bad?
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I mean, Hakim may seem nice,
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but I watch a lot of true crime,
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and you always have to
watch out for the nice ones.
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Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy,
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Charles Manson: all legendary sweeties.
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Hakim is not a serial killer.
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The man was a doctor back in Ethiopia.
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You know, I once saw him give
chest compressions to a rat
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that had been run over in the street,
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and it lived.
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You promised to help us become citizens.
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If Hakim is in trouble with the law,
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they might not let him become one.
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Fine, I'll follow through on my promise.
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Great, okay.
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I don't want to jump to conclusions,
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but I promise you Hakim
is smothering people to death,
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and making furniture out of them.
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It happens way more
often than you think.
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Or there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation,
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and we'll laugh about it
141
00:04:29,716 --> 00:04:32,917
while a Corvette and a Ferrari
69 each other in 3-D.
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Look, I know this looks suspicious,
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okay, but plenty of legitimate business
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gets conducted using large
amounts of cash
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stuffed into paper bags.
146
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Like, um...
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ooh, drugs. Nope.
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What are you up, Hakim,
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a second family?
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An evil twin?
Oh, maybe he is the evil twin.
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That would explain the goatee.
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Maybe you're right.
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Why would Hakim need that much money
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in cash in this neighborhood
in that outfit?
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I'll tell you why.
156
00:05:01,047 --> 00:05:02,213
He's hiring a hitman.
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A hitman?
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That would be so cool.
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I mean, awful and terrible.
Murder is bad.
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But so cool.
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This is your place?
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The rent must be insane.
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Maybe.
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What's, um, rent?
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Just put the bags
down anywhere that doesn't
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disrupt the flow of the room, hmm?
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Oh.
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You dropped your watch.
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Yeah, I know.
I got it in Paris last week,
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and it's, like, five hours off.
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You know you can just reset it, right?
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Oh, yeah, do you want me to start
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brushing my own teeth too?
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Just take it.
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Oh, look at the time. I should be going.
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I just wish I had
a safer way of getting home.
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It's gonna be a little scary
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wearing this thing on the subway.
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Ooh, what's subway?
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Is it like rent?
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Just take one of the Lamborghinis.
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Jun Ho, no.
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Take one of the green Lamborghinis.
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It'll match your eyes.
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00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,440
Oh.
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00:06:04,711 --> 00:06:07,612
And it was there on a dark,
deserted Sunnyside street,
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00:06:07,614 --> 00:06:09,614
that things took a turn for the deadly.
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Are you podcasting this?
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When Hakim turns out
to be a serial killer,
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00:06:12,852 --> 00:06:14,385
someone's gonna
to turn it into a podcast.
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Might as well be me.
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Brought to you by Squarespace.
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Oh, man, it's the handoff.
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This is bad.
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I really thought Hakim
was one of the good guys.
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Now I'm gonna
have to rethink all of you.
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00:06:23,963 --> 00:06:25,196
Who do you think should play us
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00:06:25,198 --> 00:06:26,364
in the movie version of the podcast?
199
00:06:26,366 --> 00:06:27,798
Oh, easy. You, JLo.
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Me, Jeff Goldblum... let me finish...
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because of my quirky
yet distinguished sex appeal.
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Hakim.
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00:06:38,678 --> 00:06:39,911
Oh. Hi.
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00:06:39,913 --> 00:06:42,079
Wait, did you follow me here?
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00:06:42,081 --> 00:06:43,714
Damn right, we followed you.
What the hell, man?
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00:06:43,716 --> 00:06:45,349
You're trying to become a citizen,
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00:06:45,351 --> 00:06:47,051
and handing a wad
of cash to some shady dude
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on the street is not how you do that.
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00:06:48,521 --> 00:06:49,854
Guys, relax.
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00:06:49,856 --> 00:06:51,923
That man is an immigration attorney.
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00:06:51,925 --> 00:06:53,658
He's helping me
get a visa for my sister.
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He said to meet him at midnight
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00:06:54,727 --> 00:06:56,360
on this abandoned street alone
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and give him several
thousand dollars in cash
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concealed in a brown paper bag.
216
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:01,832
You know how lawyers are.
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00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,401
That man is your immigration attorney?
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00:07:03,403 --> 00:07:05,069
- Uh-huh.
- Well, good news:
219
00:07:05,071 --> 00:07:06,504
Hakim's not a murderer.
220
00:07:06,506 --> 00:07:08,239
Bad news: you're getting scammed.
221
00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:10,574
What would Hakim do
with this new information?
222
00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:14,612
On the next "Ethiopian Executioner."
223
00:07:14,637 --> 00:07:16,437
I'll change the title later. It's fine.
224
00:07:18,761 --> 00:07:20,628
I can't believe
I was deceived so easily.
225
00:07:20,630 --> 00:07:21,785
He seemed so nice.
226
00:07:21,810 --> 00:07:24,512
He'd always say, "Hakim, don't worry."
227
00:07:24,537 --> 00:07:25,826
"You're in good hands."
228
00:07:25,851 --> 00:07:28,170
Oh, that's exactly how
I got into office.
229
00:07:28,201 --> 00:07:30,301
I would ooze charm and make promises
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00:07:30,303 --> 00:07:31,702
I had no intention of keeping.
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00:07:31,704 --> 00:07:33,804
- Cool brag.
- Thank you.
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00:07:33,806 --> 00:07:36,374
Hakim, I love you, buddy,
but you need to wise up.
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00:07:36,376 --> 00:07:37,778
If people here think you're naive,
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00:07:37,803 --> 00:07:39,309
they will take advantage of you.
235
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,378
It's not your fault.
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00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:42,547
You didn't realize we live in
a hell world full of monsters.
237
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:45,449
Yeah, crooked lawyers is just
another American custom,
238
00:07:45,451 --> 00:07:48,419
like, you know, wearing your
outside shoes inside the house,
239
00:07:48,421 --> 00:07:49,921
or not knowing geography.
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00:07:49,923 --> 00:07:51,822
This is disappointing, but one bad guy
241
00:07:51,824 --> 00:07:54,158
shouldn't change the fact
that America is the best.
242
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,894
This morning,
a bluebird landed on my finger.
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00:07:56,896 --> 00:07:58,329
It was while I was eating a hot dog
244
00:07:58,331 --> 00:08:00,731
and it was dead,
but how often does that happen?
245
00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:02,233
Look, I said I would help you.
246
00:08:02,235 --> 00:08:03,968
Okay, this is exactly
how I can help you.
247
00:08:03,970 --> 00:08:05,503
I'm gonna go talk to that guy,
248
00:08:05,505 --> 00:08:06,604
and I'm gonna get your money back.
249
00:08:06,606 --> 00:08:08,139
Don't worry. I'm on the case.
250
00:08:08,141 --> 00:08:10,074
Case? Why didn't you say
you were a lawyer?
251
00:08:10,076 --> 00:08:11,809
How much money would you like?
252
00:08:11,811 --> 00:08:13,945
No, stop it.
Stop giving people your money.
253
00:08:15,172 --> 00:08:17,315
So where are we going this weekend,
254
00:08:17,317 --> 00:08:19,083
Ibiza, St. Barts?
255
00:08:19,085 --> 00:08:21,185
If I have to go back to St. Barts,
256
00:08:21,187 --> 00:08:22,453
I'm going to St. Barf.
257
00:08:25,792 --> 00:08:27,425
I also know why that's funny.
258
00:08:27,427 --> 00:08:29,260
Those are very nice clothes
for someone who I caught
259
00:08:29,262 --> 00:08:30,962
stealing all the toilet paper
out of the bathroom.
260
00:08:30,964 --> 00:08:32,430
Oh, I gave him some of my old clothes.
261
00:08:32,432 --> 00:08:33,598
It's cute, right?
262
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,865
It's like past me and present me
263
00:08:34,867 --> 00:08:36,267
are hanging out together.
264
00:08:36,269 --> 00:08:38,436
Like two mes. It's like a dream I had.
265
00:08:38,438 --> 00:08:40,938
Guys, I made us a reservation
at that new restaurant
266
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:42,473
where instead of tables,
267
00:08:42,475 --> 00:08:44,208
you eat off of live celebrities.
268
00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:46,711
I booked us Stanley Tucci for 3:00.
269
00:08:50,016 --> 00:08:51,015
Hey, man.
270
00:08:51,017 --> 00:08:54,218
Are you Wallace Furley,
"immigration attorney"?
271
00:08:54,220 --> 00:08:55,886
I didn't recognize you not surrounded
272
00:08:55,888 --> 00:08:58,022
by dark shadows and grimy streets.
273
00:08:58,024 --> 00:08:59,957
Actually, are you Wallace Furley?
274
00:08:59,959 --> 00:09:01,292
I've only seen you surrounded
275
00:09:01,294 --> 00:09:02,793
by dark shadows and grimy streets.
276
00:09:02,795 --> 00:09:05,029
Uh-oh, sounds like I have a stalker.
277
00:09:05,031 --> 00:09:06,631
What can I help you with?
278
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,399
Do you need a green card, a visa,
279
00:09:08,401 --> 00:09:09,634
a Blow Pop?
280
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,135
I don't want your blood candy.
281
00:09:11,137 --> 00:09:13,638
I'm here on behalf of Hakim Gebrewold.
282
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,805
He's given you a lot of money
283
00:09:14,807 --> 00:09:16,674
for his sister's visa application,
284
00:09:16,676 --> 00:09:18,476
if there even is an application.
285
00:09:18,478 --> 00:09:21,712
Oh, Hakim. Oh, great guy.
286
00:09:21,714 --> 00:09:24,148
Yes, his sister's
application is in the works.
287
00:09:24,150 --> 00:09:25,950
You know how these things can take time.
288
00:09:25,975 --> 00:09:27,218
Trust me, he's in good hands.
289
00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:30,321
Oh, yeah, he's in good hands, all right:
290
00:09:30,323 --> 00:09:31,589
these babies.
291
00:09:31,591 --> 00:09:32,990
And they're telling me
292
00:09:32,992 --> 00:09:35,226
that something shady is going on here.
293
00:09:35,228 --> 00:09:37,428
What kind of lawyer makes his client
294
00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:39,330
meet him on the street
in the middle of the night?
295
00:09:39,332 --> 00:09:41,432
I know it may seem unconventional,
296
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:43,200
but people work during the day.
297
00:09:43,202 --> 00:09:45,436
I meet when it's convenient
for my clients,
298
00:09:45,438 --> 00:09:47,772
and I don't make them
travel across town to do it.
299
00:09:47,774 --> 00:09:49,607
Okay, that's annoyingly reasonable.
300
00:09:49,609 --> 00:09:51,308
But you made Hakim wear a disguise.
301
00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:52,628
He is a cardigan man.
302
00:09:52,653 --> 00:09:53,722
What do you have against cardigans?
303
00:09:53,747 --> 00:09:56,091
Mr. Rogers wore cardigans,
you son of a bitch!
304
00:09:56,116 --> 00:09:57,315
I'm sorry.
305
00:09:57,317 --> 00:10:00,451
I just encourage my clients
to keep a low profile.
306
00:10:00,453 --> 00:10:02,420
ICE is picking up people
all over the place.
307
00:10:02,422 --> 00:10:05,189
I actually hadn't
thought about it that way.
308
00:10:05,191 --> 00:10:07,425
But why did you make
Hakim pay you in cash?
309
00:10:07,427 --> 00:10:08,793
Don't I recognize you?
310
00:10:08,795 --> 00:10:11,028
Maybe. I, uh...
311
00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:12,797
I got hit in the face
trying to catch a fly ball
312
00:10:12,799 --> 00:10:14,231
at the Mets game last week.
313
00:10:14,233 --> 00:10:15,966
Jimmy Fallon had a field day with it.
314
00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:18,102
Oh, you're that city councilor
315
00:10:18,104 --> 00:10:20,371
who threw up all over the BQE.
316
00:10:20,373 --> 00:10:21,405
Only two lanes.
317
00:10:21,407 --> 00:10:23,541
Oh, I think you got
a raw deal on that one.
318
00:10:23,543 --> 00:10:26,277
I tell you, that's why
I try never to judge anybody
319
00:10:26,279 --> 00:10:28,312
because, obviously
you're more than a puker.
320
00:10:28,314 --> 00:10:30,314
You're a good person.
You're a good friend.
321
00:10:30,316 --> 00:10:32,049
I mean, you must really care about Hakim
322
00:10:32,051 --> 00:10:34,051
if you're checking up on his lawyer.
323
00:10:34,053 --> 00:10:35,553
Not all immigrants are lucky enough
324
00:10:35,555 --> 00:10:36,670
to have someone like you
325
00:10:36,694 --> 00:10:38,029
- looking out for them.
- Thank you.
326
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,091
You want that Blow Pop,
don't you, champ?
327
00:10:40,093 --> 00:10:41,959
Oh, no, I couldn't... ooh, grape.
328
00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:47,732
Hey, so I picked up your sunglasses
329
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:48,899
and craziest thing:
330
00:10:48,901 --> 00:10:50,901
when I went to go pay, my hand slipped
331
00:10:50,903 --> 00:10:53,671
and I accidentally charged
two years of contact lenses
332
00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:55,806
in my prescription to your card.
333
00:10:55,808 --> 00:10:59,337
- Hope that's cool.
- Oh, I love them.
334
00:11:00,032 --> 00:11:02,299
Now I'm bored by them.
335
00:11:02,582 --> 00:11:03,673
Oh!
336
00:11:04,824 --> 00:11:06,057
Hey.
337
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:07,415
I see what's happening.
338
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,620
You're taking advantage of your friends.
339
00:11:09,622 --> 00:11:11,536
Okay, they are not my friends.
340
00:11:11,561 --> 00:11:12,605
I bet their friends are all,
341
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,458
like, some super rich famous celebrities
342
00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:16,996
like Scrooge McDuck or Tupac's hologram.
343
00:11:17,063 --> 00:11:18,896
We're supposed to be
looking out for one another.
344
00:11:18,898 --> 00:11:20,197
Hey, what you're doing is uncool.
345
00:11:20,199 --> 00:11:21,766
No, it's actually very cool,
346
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,567
and it's very American.
347
00:11:23,569 --> 00:11:25,403
Trickle-down economics, baby.
348
00:11:25,405 --> 00:11:26,871
This country was built
349
00:11:26,873 --> 00:11:29,040
on the 1% doing whatever
the hell they want
350
00:11:29,042 --> 00:11:30,241
and then the rest of us
fighting each other
351
00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:31,409
for their scraps.
352
00:11:31,411 --> 00:11:32,910
You got a problem with me?
353
00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:35,079
Why don't you take it up
with Ronald Reagan?
354
00:11:35,081 --> 00:11:38,582
Oh, wait, you can't.
355
00:11:38,584 --> 00:11:39,850
He dead.
356
00:11:39,852 --> 00:11:41,519
You're better than this, Brady.
357
00:11:41,521 --> 00:11:42,853
Am I, though?
358
00:11:42,855 --> 00:11:44,355
Good news, Hakim.
I met with your lawyer.
359
00:11:44,357 --> 00:11:45,723
He totally checks out.
360
00:11:45,725 --> 00:11:47,124
Really nice guy. Great taste in candy.
361
00:11:47,126 --> 00:11:49,193
Yeah, I was all ready to confront him,
362
00:11:49,195 --> 00:11:50,728
but he had a really
good answer for everything.
363
00:11:50,730 --> 00:11:52,363
Plus, he said I look skinnier in person.
364
00:11:52,365 --> 00:11:54,031
Also, we followed each other on Twitter,
365
00:11:54,033 --> 00:11:55,866
and he's, like, legit funny.
366
00:11:55,868 --> 00:11:57,868
Hmm, you guys sound a lot alike.
367
00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:59,470
Yeah, my Twitter does kind of rock.
368
00:11:59,472 --> 00:12:02,073
- You gotta fave more.
- No, I mean, he oozes charm.
369
00:12:02,075 --> 00:12:04,108
Can talk his way out of a bad situation.
370
00:12:04,110 --> 00:12:07,044
Uses flattery to distract from
his obviously shifty behavior.
371
00:12:07,046 --> 00:12:09,747
Oh, you mean we sound
alike in a bad way.
372
00:12:09,749 --> 00:12:11,215
He's probably full of it, isn't he?
373
00:12:11,217 --> 00:12:11,982
Mm.
374
00:12:11,984 --> 00:12:14,051
- I got played, didn't I?
- Yes.
375
00:12:14,053 --> 00:12:15,714
- Yeah, I gotta go back.
- You gotta go back.
376
00:12:16,348 --> 00:12:18,566
You played me, Walt!
377
00:12:19,926 --> 00:12:21,325
He was just here.
378
00:12:21,327 --> 00:12:23,094
Look, his diploma's still on the wall.
379
00:12:23,096 --> 00:12:24,762
That's no diploma. That's a certificate
380
00:12:24,764 --> 00:12:26,810
he won for eating a 72-ounce steak.
381
00:12:26,835 --> 00:12:28,278
Maybe he took all of his
books and furniture
382
00:12:28,303 --> 00:12:29,567
with him to the bathroom.
383
00:12:31,164 --> 00:12:34,238
And this Blow Pop was actually
a Tootsie Pop the whole time.
384
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,874
We've gotta get this bastard.
385
00:12:37,605 --> 00:12:38,729
This is unacceptable.
386
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,689
I mean, sure, he swindled you,
but he can't swindle me.
387
00:12:41,714 --> 00:12:43,697
I'm me. We're getting revenge.
388
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:45,393
Why don't we just give him some time?
389
00:12:45,435 --> 00:12:47,502
Something tells me
he's going to feel pretty bad
390
00:12:47,504 --> 00:12:49,938
about it once
he realizes how sad we are.
391
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:51,139
Oh, Hakim.
392
00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:54,642
Sweet, innocent,
adorable, apple-cheeked,
393
00:12:54,644 --> 00:12:56,811
surprisingly fit Hakim,
394
00:12:56,813 --> 00:12:58,146
you're a really nice guy.
395
00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,081
But like I said, you're too naive.
396
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,083
Naive? Let's have an Herbalife smoothie
397
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,925
at one of my timeshares
and we'll see who's naive.
398
00:13:03,941 --> 00:13:05,741
Look, man, this guy's
gotta be taken down,
399
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,743
and I might be the only
person who can do it, okay?
400
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:10,079
I understand how he operates.
401
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,047
In another world,
I could have been this crook
402
00:13:12,049 --> 00:13:13,882
if I had decided
to use my powers for evil.
403
00:13:13,884 --> 00:13:15,818
So, when you were
on city council for 15 years
404
00:13:15,820 --> 00:13:19,121
and did absolutely nothing,
you did that for... good?
405
00:13:19,123 --> 00:13:20,456
No, that's just 'cause I was lazy.
406
00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:22,925
What will we become if we play his game?
407
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,660
We will be as bad as he is.
408
00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:25,894
I'll just make the money back.
409
00:13:25,896 --> 00:13:27,930
- How?
- This is America.
410
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,064
I'll make a sex tape.
411
00:13:29,066 --> 00:13:30,399
Hakim, guys like this
412
00:13:30,401 --> 00:13:32,412
make real immigration lawyers look bad.
413
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:33,647
We're taking him down.
414
00:13:33,672 --> 00:13:34,970
Maybe you should sit this one out.
415
00:13:34,972 --> 00:13:37,217
- This is big boy stuff.
- Ew.
416
00:13:37,242 --> 00:13:38,373
Yeah, ok, sorry.
417
00:13:38,375 --> 00:13:40,175
Forget about the whole big boy
thing, but we're doing this.
418
00:13:40,177 --> 00:13:41,410
Look, all we have to do
419
00:13:41,412 --> 00:13:43,078
is lure this guy into our territory,
420
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,747
get him super drunk,
and make sure we get
421
00:13:44,749 --> 00:13:46,128
a recording of him
admitting to the crime.
422
00:13:46,153 --> 00:13:47,917
And then maybe we'll get some
of his strands of hair
423
00:13:47,942 --> 00:13:48,878
and some teeth impressions.
424
00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:50,319
Don't worry 'cause I got
a plan to get him to bite me.
425
00:13:50,321 --> 00:13:52,421
Wallace has been
ahead of us at every turn.
426
00:13:52,423 --> 00:13:54,256
He will never incriminate himself.
427
00:13:54,258 --> 00:13:56,658
Count me out.
This is a very stupid plan.
428
00:13:56,660 --> 00:13:58,460
If this plan is so stupid,
429
00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:00,629
why is it the best idea
I could come up with?
430
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,999
You need help with a visa,
or a green card?
431
00:14:06,024 --> 00:14:08,137
I'm Wallace Furley, attorney at law.
432
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:11,640
Immigration office. Nice, man.
433
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,927
This place is probably
crawling with gullible clients.
434
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:15,287
Oh, is that what this is?
435
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,479
I thought it was my dentist.
436
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,349
Well, I should go.
437
00:14:20,351 --> 00:14:22,618
Relax, no hard feelings man, okay?
438
00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:23,863
I respect your hustle.
439
00:14:23,888 --> 00:14:26,629
I was thinking about it,
and, uh... I want in.
440
00:14:26,654 --> 00:14:27,790
I don't know what you're talking about.
441
00:14:27,792 --> 00:14:29,309
Sure you do. So, listen,
442
00:14:29,334 --> 00:14:32,628
I teach a citizenship class
at Viola's Bar,
443
00:14:32,630 --> 00:14:35,564
and these people
could really use your help.
444
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:38,233
I mean, they are just
ripe for the picking,
445
00:14:38,235 --> 00:14:42,204
like a juicy plum
full of ignorant juice.
446
00:14:42,206 --> 00:14:45,174
Well, if there are people
who need my help,
447
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:46,675
it's my duty to help them.
448
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,010
I thought so.
449
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,845
See you at the juice factory.
450
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,380
Bring a straw.
451
00:14:51,382 --> 00:14:54,583
Do you drink the juice
out of plums with a straw?
452
00:14:54,585 --> 00:14:56,051
No.
453
00:14:56,053 --> 00:14:58,487
I bite right into it
454
00:14:58,489 --> 00:15:01,023
like a big boy.
455
00:15:03,494 --> 00:15:05,494
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
456
00:15:05,496 --> 00:15:08,030
Oh, we're going to get
the new PlayStation 7.
457
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,398
Well, not get it so much as have it
458
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,366
implanted into our brains.
459
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:12,835
Maybe we could play together.
460
00:15:12,837 --> 00:15:14,536
Hey, Brady, how do you feel about having
461
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:16,538
a hole drilled into your skull?
462
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,441
Yeah, it would be so fun
to have a friend to play with.
463
00:15:19,443 --> 00:15:23,011
Oh, my God, is Brady our friend?
464
00:15:23,013 --> 00:15:25,881
Wait, you guys don't have friends?
465
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,116
- Who you texting all the time?
- Each other.
466
00:15:28,118 --> 00:15:30,252
Back in the unnamed
countries-slash-blimps
467
00:15:30,254 --> 00:15:32,221
where we were raised,
people were always too afraid
468
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:33,622
of us because of our dad,
469
00:15:33,624 --> 00:15:36,558
or they were just
using us for our money.
470
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,594
Ooh, money!
471
00:15:38,596 --> 00:15:40,896
Let's go spend some money
with our new friend Brady!
472
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:41,897
What do you want, Brady?
473
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,065
Should we get jets?
474
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,199
What's your jet size?
475
00:15:44,201 --> 00:15:45,601
Guys, listen,
476
00:15:45,603 --> 00:15:47,703
there's something I want to confess.
477
00:15:47,705 --> 00:15:49,271
I've been taking advantage
of you this whole time.
478
00:15:49,273 --> 00:15:51,940
- Oh.
- Why does this keep happening?
479
00:15:51,942 --> 00:15:54,309
Is there something wrong with us?
480
00:15:54,311 --> 00:15:55,978
No, I've been thinking about it,
481
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,246
and there is literally nothing.
482
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,214
Guys, you deserve a real friend
483
00:15:59,216 --> 00:16:01,917
that isn't just using you
for all of your money.
484
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,218
I want to try to be that.
485
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:05,454
So you're saying...
486
00:16:05,456 --> 00:16:07,556
You don't want us
to drill a hole in your head?
487
00:16:07,558 --> 00:16:09,725
I mean, yeah, that sounds amazing.
488
00:16:09,727 --> 00:16:10,959
But I want to earn that.
489
00:16:10,961 --> 00:16:12,394
Tell you what, we won't tempt you
490
00:16:12,396 --> 00:16:14,563
by giving you anything nice ever again:
491
00:16:14,565 --> 00:16:18,600
no clothes, no fancy meals,
no fancy gifts.
492
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:20,802
Persephone, no!
493
00:16:20,804 --> 00:16:22,104
He doesn't want it.
494
00:16:24,642 --> 00:16:26,808
That won't help you in your journey.
495
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:31,613
Check, check, voice memo recording.
496
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:33,556
All right, pretty soon,
Wallace will have no choice
497
00:16:33,581 --> 00:16:34,876
but to give Hakim his money back,
498
00:16:34,901 --> 00:16:36,451
admit that I'm the better
version of him,
499
00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:37,986
and that I actually do
look skinnier in person
500
00:16:37,988 --> 00:16:39,288
'cause that part wasn't a lie.
501
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,188
And I already got my backstory.
502
00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,790
I'm no longer Griselda
503
00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,659
from Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.
504
00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:48,530
I'm Imelda from Santiago,
Dominican Republic.
505
00:16:48,532 --> 00:16:50,332
That sounds very similar
to your actual life.
506
00:16:50,334 --> 00:16:52,601
Imelda wears a hat.
507
00:16:53,103 --> 00:16:54,770
Okay, Wallace is here. All right.
508
00:16:54,772 --> 00:16:56,471
- Imelda from Santo Domingo.
- Santiago.
509
00:16:56,473 --> 00:16:58,227
I'm just gonna steer
clear of your backstory.
510
00:16:58,252 --> 00:16:59,308
It's very confusing.
511
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:02,039
Wallace! Hey, man, how are you?
Thank you for coming.
512
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,844
Can I get you a drink, a beer, wine?
513
00:17:03,869 --> 00:17:05,647
Oh, no, I'm already quite drunk.
514
00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:08,884
You see, I get my buzz
off helping people in need.
515
00:17:08,886 --> 00:17:10,152
Oh, you must be, um...
516
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,687
Imelda Castillo Alcantara
517
00:17:11,689 --> 00:17:13,855
from Santiago, Dominican Republic.
518
00:17:13,857 --> 00:17:16,391
And I need a visa
for my dear ailing mother,
519
00:17:16,393 --> 00:17:19,161
who supported us for so long,
on a meager hatmaker's salary.
520
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,796
Her dream is to come to America
521
00:17:20,798 --> 00:17:22,898
and make the perfect hat
for Benji Madden.
522
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,867
Well, of course,
I can help you, Ms. Alcantara.
523
00:17:25,869 --> 00:17:28,537
I've always respected
a woman who can pull off a hat.
524
00:17:28,539 --> 00:17:30,754
My mother was completely bald.
525
00:17:30,779 --> 00:17:31,793
Oh.
526
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,191
Sure seems like Wallace
is the best person
527
00:17:34,216 --> 00:17:35,269
to help you, Imelda, right?
528
00:17:35,294 --> 00:17:36,712
Shall we talk about the finances?
529
00:17:36,714 --> 00:17:39,546
You said it was $3,000 cash
upfront, right?
530
00:17:39,571 --> 00:17:42,751
- You prefer stacks or wads?
- Okay, that's enough.
531
00:17:42,753 --> 00:17:44,853
This is a setup.
532
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:45,854
They're trying to trick you.
533
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,222
I told them not to.
534
00:17:47,224 --> 00:17:48,857
What? No, no, no, no. That's not...
535
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,226
Garrett is recording you on his phone.
536
00:17:51,228 --> 00:17:54,895
Whaaaat?
537
00:17:56,278 --> 00:17:57,301
What are you doing?
538
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,770
You know what I had to do
to get those tears going?
539
00:17:58,794 --> 00:18:01,672
I just rubbed a raw onion
on my bare eye for nothing.
540
00:18:01,697 --> 00:18:03,313
Yeah, man, we had him
exactly where we wanted him.
541
00:18:03,338 --> 00:18:05,932
Pause. You did not ave me
where you wanted me.
542
00:18:05,934 --> 00:18:07,267
Imelda's accent was clearly
543
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:09,970
from Santo Domingo, not Santiago.
544
00:18:09,972 --> 00:18:12,105
Guys, tricking Mr. Furley
into confessing
545
00:18:12,107 --> 00:18:14,274
is no better than him tricking us.
546
00:18:14,276 --> 00:18:17,611
In my country, there is
a concept called kifu neh,
547
00:18:17,613 --> 00:18:18,743
which means forgiveness.
548
00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:22,516
I believe the world only
gets better when we forgive.
549
00:18:24,787 --> 00:18:26,987
I forgive you.
550
00:18:26,989 --> 00:18:28,822
All I ask is that
you promise to not swindle
551
00:18:28,824 --> 00:18:31,291
other people like myself.
552
00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:34,936
Uh, no, I will not promise you that.
553
00:18:34,961 --> 00:18:37,014
I'm making way too much
money off you people.
554
00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:39,600
and at least I'm doing it face-to-face.
555
00:18:39,625 --> 00:18:40,634
You know why?
556
00:18:40,636 --> 00:18:43,036
Because I'm a people person at heart,
557
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:44,533
and shouldn't that count for something
558
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,306
in this crazy, mixed-up world
559
00:18:46,308 --> 00:18:49,576
when everyone's on their
cell phones all the time?
560
00:18:49,578 --> 00:18:51,440
What about the original Twitter,
561
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,680
taking a walk outside
562
00:18:53,682 --> 00:18:57,050
and listening
to the twittering of birds?
563
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:58,685
- Hmm.
- Garrett.
564
00:18:58,687 --> 00:19:00,253
I mean, nobody's buying it.
565
00:19:00,255 --> 00:19:01,755
Look, dude, you paid with cash.
566
00:19:01,757 --> 00:19:03,190
Everyone else does.
567
00:19:03,192 --> 00:19:05,592
There's no paper trail,
I got away with it,
568
00:19:05,594 --> 00:19:07,661
and I'm gonna keep getting away with it.
569
00:19:07,663 --> 00:19:08,862
Okay.
570
00:19:09,531 --> 00:19:10,864
That's fine.
571
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,435
- I got what I needed.
- You recorded this?
572
00:19:15,437 --> 00:19:17,704
What ever happened
to the concept of forgiveness?
573
00:19:17,706 --> 00:19:18,874
What ever happened to kifu neh?
574
00:19:18,899 --> 00:19:21,688
Oh, that translates to...
575
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:23,243
you're mean.
576
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,411
Boom.
577
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,186
Oh, savage!
578
00:19:27,211 --> 00:19:29,077
I know, right? I made it all up.
579
00:19:29,079 --> 00:19:30,212
I tricked you.
580
00:19:30,214 --> 00:19:32,381
Yeah, we tricked you together.
581
00:19:32,383 --> 00:19:34,683
No, no, you were not a part of this.
He was not a part of this.
582
00:19:34,685 --> 00:19:35,851
He was clearly not a part of this.
583
00:19:35,853 --> 00:19:38,286
I knew you wouldn't fall
for their very stupid plan,
584
00:19:38,288 --> 00:19:40,255
so I had to thwart it so you
would let your guard down.
585
00:19:40,257 --> 00:19:41,723
Now I have everything on camera.
586
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,026
So you are going to give
me my money back
587
00:19:44,028 --> 00:19:45,694
and promise to never again
take advantage
588
00:19:45,696 --> 00:19:47,229
of the less fortunate.
589
00:19:47,231 --> 00:19:48,730
Use your power for good,
590
00:19:48,732 --> 00:19:50,966
like Garrett.
591
00:19:52,036 --> 00:19:54,036
All right, fine.
592
00:19:54,038 --> 00:19:58,082
Do you accept
DJ Khaled's cryptocurrency?
593
00:19:59,743 --> 00:20:01,715
Yeah, smart.
594
00:20:05,549 --> 00:20:07,649
Hey, Hakim, I'm sorry
about what I said, man.
595
00:20:07,651 --> 00:20:09,584
You're obviously not
as naive as I thought,
596
00:20:09,586 --> 00:20:12,721
and I guess I'm not as much
of a big boy as I thought.
597
00:20:12,723 --> 00:20:14,656
I'm owning that now.
That's what a big boy does.
598
00:20:14,658 --> 00:20:17,325
I mean, if that's what
you need to tell yourself,
599
00:20:17,327 --> 00:20:19,661
go for it, but I have to thank you.
600
00:20:19,663 --> 00:20:21,396
I wouldn't even have
known I was being scammed
601
00:20:21,398 --> 00:20:23,410
if you guys didn't
care enough to follow me.
602
00:20:23,435 --> 00:20:25,029
So ameseginalehu.
603
00:20:25,031 --> 00:20:26,164
That means thank you.
604
00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:27,832
- Okay.
- No tricks.
605
00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:28,866
Hope you don't mind.
606
00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:30,501
Helped myself to some soup.
607
00:20:30,503 --> 00:20:32,070
We don't have any soup.
608
00:20:32,072 --> 00:20:33,571
You got ketchup, water, and raisins.
609
00:20:33,573 --> 00:20:35,006
Ya got soup.
610
00:20:35,008 --> 00:20:37,809
Aww, eating like
a cartoon hobo again, huh?
611
00:20:37,811 --> 00:20:40,044
- I'm proud of you.
- Yeah.
612
00:20:40,046 --> 00:20:42,313
Feels pretty good.
613
00:20:42,315 --> 00:20:44,649
Actually, no, this feels terrible.
614
00:20:44,651 --> 00:20:46,684
I could have had a jet.
But you're right.
615
00:20:46,686 --> 00:20:47,756
They're my friends,
616
00:20:47,787 --> 00:20:49,487
and I shouldn't take advantage of them.
617
00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:50,521
Nice watch.
618
00:20:50,523 --> 00:20:52,156
Okay, Jun Ho was literally
going to throw this
619
00:20:52,158 --> 00:20:53,391
down the garbage disposal.
620
00:20:53,393 --> 00:20:54,859
I saved him a call to a plumber.
621
00:20:54,861 --> 00:20:56,527
Get away from me.
622
00:20:56,529 --> 00:20:58,863
Brady, we were thinking all last night
623
00:20:58,865 --> 00:21:00,698
about things that we could do
together that wouldn't
624
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:01,899
cost you any money.
625
00:21:01,901 --> 00:21:04,202
Get this: sailboat racing.
626
00:21:04,204 --> 00:21:05,703
You don't have to spend
any money on the fuel
627
00:21:05,705 --> 00:21:07,695
because the wind is free...
628
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,445
For now.
629
00:21:11,211 --> 00:21:13,211
Okay... I don't have a sailboat.
630
00:21:13,213 --> 00:21:16,114
- Oh.
- Oh, wow, you really are poor.
631
00:21:16,153 --> 00:21:21,153
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
46320
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