Original subtitles

Rise and shine, students.

It's a beautiful morning for learning.

It's 3:00 p.m.

And you're 45 minutes late.

Yeah, I know, I was busy working on my lesson plan,

which I don't know how to do because I'm not a real teacher,

so it took me eight hours. You're welcome.

Now before we jump in, any word on Drazen?

No, not yet. He's still in detention.

So the best thing for us to do is to stay positive

and keep studying for that citizenship test.

It's what I promised I'd help you with,

and it's what Drazen would want us to do.

Okay, are you sure Drazen wouldn't want us to schedule

a four-hour deep tissue massage?

Because I already did that.

Now, what everybody knows is that American history

is stupid and boring,

but not if you have cool Professor Garrett in charge.

I'm jazzing it up.

Cool people don't say jazzing it up.

Right, I mean, uh,

for shizzle.

Now put away those textbooks.

We are going to play

"Celebrity: Citizenship Edition."

- Ooh! - Now, in this hat,

I have the names of several historical figures,

and you will have one minute to guess

as many of them as you can.

What's the prize?

Uh...

It's this bowl of nuts.

- Sweet. I'm starving. - No, I wouldn't eat that.

I dumped a bowl out the other day,

- and it was mostly fingernails. - Still protein.

My meal plan's up at school,

and I spent all my cash on We-Da-Coin,

which is DJ Khaled's cryptocurrency.

Would you believe it lost all of its value immediately?

Yes.

Okay, Hakim, you are up first.

60 seconds on the clock. And... go.

Okay, he's on the one-dollar bill.

- Pass. - George Washington.

Yes. President during World War II,

- the New Deal... - Howie Mandel.

- FDR. - Yeah, correct.

Tom Hanks movie character who is mentally challenged,

good at ping-pong.

Forrest Gump.

He was an important historical figure.

He uncovered Watergate, he forced Nixon to resign,

and he invented jogging.

- He's a fictional character. - Yes, I know that.

I'm trying to keep things interesting.

I'm a cool teacher. My class is

- off the chain. - Stop it.

This one just says the little guy from "Game of Thrones."

Tyrion Lannister!

Boom. Give me them nuts.

Ugh.

There's a Q-tip in there.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Okay, great class, everybody.

Hey, you all learned something.

And I learned that D-Day was a real battle

and not a "Terminator" sequel. See you tomorrow.

Ugh, we have to get all these bags to the car?

Griselda, does this bar have, like, a butler?

No, this bar does not have a butler.

Ugh, well, we'd call ours,

but it's actually really toxic right now.

He's fighting with our sommelier,

and they're not speaking

but they were using the chef as a liaison

but then they found out that they were both

sleeping with her.

That's right, chefs can be girls.

Chef, you guys have, like, a chef?

No, we have three chefs.

One cooks for us,

and the other two cook for each other.

Oh. If you wanted, you know, I can help you take your bags

to your apartment where the chefs are,

then, you know, I guess I could, like,

eat the food, if they make it.

Just so we're clear, you are agreeing to take

all of these bags from our car into our apartment

and take it all out and organize it

in order of how hot we find the designer?

Whatever you want.

Fine with us,

but don't sleep with our butler.

Just kidding. You can.

Hey, if either of you want to join,

I was gonna check out the new "Fast and the Furious" movie.

This one's just cars, no people.

I hear there are sex scenes.

Sorry, as much as I'd like to see two cars make love,

I already have a prior commitment,

which I have to go to alone,

so, please, don't follow me.

Garrett.

I think there's something going on with Hakim.

Oh, okay. There's a 7:45.

Ooh, the 8:45 is in 3-D. That'll be very gross.

He's being all secretive, and that's not like him.

I think we need to follow him

and make sure everything's okay.

Sure, yeah, you know what?

The thing is, I kind of, you know,

I signed up to teach everybody about,

like, the Constitution and stuff,

so this seems like it's a little bit

above my pay grade, which remains zero,

by the way, not that I'm complaining.

I'm just, you know...

- complaining. - What if it's something bad?

I mean, Hakim may seem nice,

but I watch a lot of true crime,

and you always have to watch out for the nice ones.

Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy,

Charles Manson: all legendary sweeties.

Hakim is not a serial killer.

The man was a doctor back in Ethiopia.

You know, I once saw him give chest compressions to a rat

that had been run over in the street,

and it lived.

You promised to help us become citizens.

If Hakim is in trouble with the law,

they might not let him become one.

Fine, I'll follow through on my promise.

Great, okay.

I don't want to jump to conclusions,

but I promise you Hakim is smothering people to death,

and making furniture out of them.

It happens way more often than you think.

Or there's a perfectly reasonable explanation,

and we'll laugh about it

while a Corvette and a Ferrari 69 each other in 3-D.

Look, I know this looks suspicious,

okay, but plenty of legitimate business

gets conducted using large amounts of cash

stuffed into paper bags.

Like, um...

ooh, drugs. Nope.

What are you up, Hakim,

a second family?

An evil twin? Oh, maybe he is the evil twin.

That would explain the goatee.

Maybe you're right.

Why would Hakim need that much money

in cash in this neighborhood in that outfit?

I'll tell you why.

He's hiring a hitman.

A hitman?

That would be so cool.

I mean, awful and terrible. Murder is bad.

But so cool.

This is your place?

The rent must be insane.

Maybe.

What's, um, rent?

Just put the bags down anywhere that doesn't

disrupt the flow of the room, hmm?

Oh.

You dropped your watch.

Yeah, I know. I got it in Paris last week,

and it's, like, five hours off.

You know you can just reset it, right?

Oh, yeah, do you want me to start

brushing my own teeth too?

Just take it.

Oh, look at the time. I should be going.

I just wish I had a safer way of getting home.

It's gonna be a little scary

wearing this thing on the subway.

Ooh, what's subway?

Is it like rent?

Just take one of the Lamborghinis.

Jun Ho, no.

Take one of the green Lamborghinis.

It'll match your eyes.

Oh.

And it was there on a dark, deserted Sunnyside street,

that things took a turn for the deadly.

Are you podcasting this?

When Hakim turns out to be a serial killer,

someone's gonna to turn it into a podcast.

Might as well be me.

Brought to you by Squarespace.

Oh, man, it's the handoff.

This is bad.

I really thought Hakim was one of the good guys.

Now I'm gonna have to rethink all of you.

Who do you think should play us

in the movie version of the podcast?

Oh, easy. You, JLo.

Me, Jeff Goldblum... let me finish...

because of my quirky yet distinguished sex appeal.

Hakim.

Oh. Hi.

Wait, did you follow me here?

Damn right, we followed you. What the hell, man?

You're trying to become a citizen,

and handing a wad of cash to some shady dude

on the street is not how you do that.

Guys, relax.

That man is an immigration attorney.

He's helping me get a visa for my sister.

He said to meet him at midnight

on this abandoned street alone

and give him several thousand dollars in cash

concealed in a brown paper bag.

You know how lawyers are.

That man is your immigration attorney?

- Uh-huh. - Well, good news:

Hakim's not a murderer.

Bad news: you're getting scammed.

What would Hakim do with this new information?

On the next "Ethiopian Executioner."

I'll change the title later. It's fine.

I can't believe I was deceived so easily.

He seemed so nice.

He'd always say, "Hakim, don't worry."

"You're in good hands."

Oh, that's exactly how I got into office.

I would ooze charm and make promises

I had no intention of keeping.

- Cool brag. - Thank you.

Hakim, I love you, buddy, but you need to wise up.

If people here think you're naive,

they will take advantage of you.

It's not your fault.

You didn't realize we live in a hell world full of monsters.

Yeah, crooked lawyers is just another American custom,

like, you know, wearing your outside shoes inside the house,

or not knowing geography.

This is disappointing, but one bad guy

shouldn't change the fact that America is the best.

This morning, a bluebird landed on my finger.

It was while I was eating a hot dog

and it was dead, but how often does that happen?

Look, I said I would help you.

Okay, this is exactly how I can help you.

I'm gonna go talk to that guy,

and I'm gonna get your money back.

Don't worry. I'm on the case.

Case? Why didn't you say you were a lawyer?

How much money would you like?

No, stop it. Stop giving people your money.

So where are we going this weekend,

Ibiza, St. Barts?

If I have to go back to St. Barts,

I'm going to St. Barf.

I also know why that's funny.

Those are very nice clothes for someone who I caught

stealing all the toilet paper out of the bathroom.

Oh, I gave him some of my old clothes.

It's cute, right?

It's like past me and present me

are hanging out together.

Like two mes. It's like a dream I had.

Guys, I made us a reservation at that new restaurant

where instead of tables,

you eat off of live celebrities.

I booked us Stanley Tucci for 3:00.

Hey, man.

Are you Wallace Furley, "immigration attorney"?

I didn't recognize you not surrounded

by dark shadows and grimy streets.

Actually, are you Wallace Furley?

I've only seen you surrounded

by dark shadows and grimy streets.

Uh-oh, sounds like I have a stalker.

What can I help you with?

Do you need a green card, a visa,

a Blow Pop?

I don't want your blood candy.

I'm here on behalf of Hakim Gebrewold.

He's given you a lot of money

for his sister's visa application,

if there even is an application.

Oh, Hakim. Oh, great guy.

Yes, his sister's application is in the works.

You know how these things can take time.

Trust me, he's in good hands.

Oh, yeah, he's in good hands, all right:

these babies.

And they're telling me

that something shady is going on here.

What kind of lawyer makes his client

meet him on the street in the middle of the night?

I know it may seem unconventional,

but people work during the day.

I meet when it's convenient for my clients,

and I don't make them travel across town to do it.

Okay, that's annoyingly reasonable.

But you made Hakim wear a disguise.

He is a cardigan man.

What do you have against cardigans?

Mr. Rogers wore cardigans, you son of a bitch!

I'm sorry.

I just encourage my clients to keep a low profile.

ICE is picking up people all over the place.

I actually hadn't thought about it that way.

But why did you make Hakim pay you in cash?

Don't I recognize you?

Maybe. I, uh...

I got hit in the face trying to catch a fly ball

at the Mets game last week.

Jimmy Fallon had a field day with it.

Oh, you're that city councilor

who threw up all over the BQE.

Only two lanes.

Oh, I think you got a raw deal on that one.

I tell you, that's why I try never to judge anybody

because, obviously you're more than a puker.

You're a good person. You're a good friend.

I mean, you must really care about Hakim

if you're checking up on his lawyer.

Not all immigrants are lucky enough

to have someone like you

- looking out for them. - Thank you.

You want that Blow Pop, don't you, champ?

Oh, no, I couldn't... ooh, grape.

Hey, so I picked up your sunglasses

and craziest thing:

when I went to go pay, my hand slipped

and I accidentally charged two years of contact lenses

in my prescription to your card.

- Hope that's cool. - Oh, I love them.

Now I'm bored by them.

Oh!

Hey.

I see what's happening.

You're taking advantage of your friends.

Okay, they are not my friends.

I bet their friends are all,

like, some super rich famous celebrities

like Scrooge McDuck or Tupac's hologram.

We're supposed to be looking out for one another.

Hey, what you're doing is uncool.

No, it's actually very cool,

and it's very American.

Trickle-down economics, baby.

This country was built

on the 1% doing whatever the hell they want

and then the rest of us fighting each other

for their scraps.

You got a problem with me?

Why don't you take it up with Ronald Reagan?

Oh, wait, you can't.

He dead.

You're better than this, Brady.

Am I, though?

Good news, Hakim. I met with your lawyer.

He totally checks out.

Really nice guy. Great taste in candy.

Yeah, I was all ready to confront him,

but he had a really good answer for everything.

Plus, he said I look skinnier in person.

Also, we followed each other on Twitter,

and he's, like, legit funny.

Hmm, you guys sound a lot alike.

Yeah, my Twitter does kind of rock.

- You gotta fave more. - No, I mean, he oozes charm.

Can talk his way out of a bad situation.

Uses flattery to distract from his obviously shifty behavior.

Oh, you mean we sound alike in a bad way.

He's probably full of it, isn't he?

Mm.

- I got played, didn't I? - Yes.

- Yeah, I gotta go back. - You gotta go back.

You played me, Walt!

He was just here.

Look, his diploma's still on the wall.

That's no diploma. That's a certificate

he won for eating a 72-ounce steak.

Maybe he took all of his books and furniture

with him to the bathroom.

And this Blow Pop was actually a Tootsie Pop the whole time.

We've gotta get this bastard.

This is unacceptable.

I mean, sure, he swindled you, but he can't swindle me.

I'm me. We're getting revenge.

Why don't we just give him some time?

Something tells me he's going to feel pretty bad

about it once he realizes how sad we are.

Oh, Hakim.

Sweet, innocent, adorable, apple-cheeked,

surprisingly fit Hakim,

you're a really nice guy.

But like I said, you're too naive.

Naive? Let's have an Herbalife smoothie

at one of my timeshares and we'll see who's naive.

Look, man, this guy's gotta be taken down,

and I might be the only person who can do it, okay?

I understand how he operates.

In another world, I could have been this crook

if I had decided to use my powers for evil.

So, when you were on city council for 15 years

and did absolutely nothing, you did that for... good?

No, that's just 'cause I was lazy.

What will we become if we play his game?

We will be as bad as he is.

I'll just make the money back.

- How? - This is America.

I'll make a sex tape.

Hakim, guys like this

make real immigration lawyers look bad.

We're taking him down.

Maybe you should sit this one out.

- This is big boy stuff. - Ew.

Yeah, ok, sorry.

Forget about the whole big boy thing, but we're doing this.

Look, all we have to do

is lure this guy into our territory,

get him super drunk, and make sure we get

a recording of him admitting to the crime.

And then maybe we'll get some of his strands of hair

and some teeth impressions.

Don't worry 'cause I got a plan to get him to bite me.

Wallace has been ahead of us at every turn.

He will never incriminate himself.

Count me out. This is a very stupid plan.

If this plan is so stupid,

why is it the best idea I could come up with?

You need help with a visa, or a green card?

I'm Wallace Furley, attorney at law.

Immigration office. Nice, man.

This place is probably crawling with gullible clients.

Oh, is that what this is?

I thought it was my dentist.

Well, I should go.

Relax, no hard feelings man, okay?

I respect your hustle.

I was thinking about it, and, uh... I want in.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure you do. So, listen,

I teach a citizenship class at Viola's Bar,

and these people could really use your help.

I mean, they are just ripe for the picking,

like a juicy plum full of ignorant juice.

Well, if there are people who need my help,

it's my duty to help them.

I thought so.

See you at the juice factory.

Bring a straw.

Do you drink the juice out of plums with a straw?

No.

I bite right into it

like a big boy.

Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Oh, we're going to get the new PlayStation 7.

Well, not get it so much as have it

implanted into our brains.

Maybe we could play together.

Hey, Brady, how do you feel about having

a hole drilled into your skull?

Yeah, it would be so fun to have a friend to play with.

Oh, my God, is Brady our friend?

Wait, you guys don't have friends?

- Who you texting all the time? - Each other.

Back in the unnamed countries-slash-blimps

where we were raised, people were always too afraid

of us because of our dad,

or they were just using us for our money.

Ooh, money!

Let's go spend some money with our new friend Brady!

What do you want, Brady?

Should we get jets?

What's your jet size?

Guys, listen,

there's something I want to confess.

I've been taking advantage of you this whole time.

- Oh. - Why does this keep happening?

Is there something wrong with us?

No, I've been thinking about it,

and there is literally nothing.

Guys, you deserve a real friend

that isn't just using you for all of your money.

I want to try to be that.

So you're saying...

You don't want us to drill a hole in your head?

I mean, yeah, that sounds amazing.

But I want to earn that.

Tell you what, we won't tempt you

by giving you anything nice ever again:

no clothes, no fancy meals, no fancy gifts.

Persephone, no!

He doesn't want it.

That won't help you in your journey.

Check, check, voice memo recording.

All right, pretty soon, Wallace will have no choice

but to give Hakim his money back,

admit that I'm the better version of him,

and that I actually do look skinnier in person

'cause that part wasn't a lie.

And I already got my backstory.

I'm no longer Griselda

from Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.

I'm Imelda from Santiago, Dominican Republic.

That sounds very similar to your actual life.

Imelda wears a hat.

Okay, Wallace is here. All right.

- Imelda from Santo Domingo. - Santiago.

I'm just gonna steer clear of your backstory.

It's very confusing.

Wallace! Hey, man, how are you? Thank you for coming.

Can I get you a drink, a beer, wine?

Oh, no, I'm already quite drunk.

You see, I get my buzz off helping people in need.

Oh, you must be, um...

Imelda Castillo Alcantara

from Santiago, Dominican Republic.

And I need a visa for my dear ailing mother,

who supported us for so long, on a meager hatmaker's salary.

Her dream is to come to America

and make the perfect hat for Benji Madden.

Well, of course, I can help you, Ms. Alcantara.

I've always respected a woman who can pull off a hat.

My mother was completely bald.

Oh.

Sure seems like Wallace is the best person

to help you, Imelda, right?

Shall we talk about the finances?

You said it was $3,000 cash upfront, right?

- You prefer stacks or wads? - Okay, that's enough.

This is a setup.

They're trying to trick you.

I told them not to.

What? No, no, no, no. That's not...

Garrett is recording you on his phone.

Whaaaat?

What are you doing?

You know what I had to do to get those tears going?

I just rubbed a raw onion on my bare eye for nothing.

Yeah, man, we had him exactly where we wanted him.

Pause. You did not ave me where you wanted me.

Imelda's accent was clearly

from Santo Domingo, not Santiago.

Guys, tricking Mr. Furley into confessing

is no better than him tricking us.

In my country, there is a concept called kifu neh,

which means forgiveness.

I believe the world only gets better when we forgive.

I forgive you.

All I ask is that you promise to not swindle

other people like myself.

Uh, no, I will not promise you that.

I'm making way too much money off you people.

and at least I'm doing it face-to-face.

You know why?

Because I'm a people person at heart,

and shouldn't that count for something

in this crazy, mixed-up world

when everyone's on their cell phones all the time?

What about the original Twitter,

taking a walk outside

and listening to the twittering of birds?

- Hmm. - Garrett.

I mean, nobody's buying it.

Look, dude, you paid with cash.

Everyone else does.

There's no paper trail, I got away with it,

and I'm gonna keep getting away with it.

Okay.

That's fine.

- I got what I needed. - You recorded this?

What ever happened to the concept of forgiveness?

What ever happened to kifu neh?

Oh, that translates to...

you're mean.

Boom.

Oh, savage!

I know, right? I made it all up.

I tricked you.

Yeah, we tricked you together.

No, no, you were not a part of this. He was not a part of this.

He was clearly not a part of this.

I knew you wouldn't fall for their very stupid plan,

so I had to thwart it so you would let your guard down.

Now I have everything on camera.

So you are going to give me my money back

and promise to never again take advantage

of the less fortunate.

Use your power for good,

like Garrett.

All right, fine.

Do you accept DJ Khaled's cryptocurrency?

Yeah, smart.

Hey, Hakim, I'm sorry about what I said, man.

You're obviously not as naive as I thought,

and I guess I'm not as much of a big boy as I thought.

I'm owning that now. That's what a big boy does.

I mean, if that's what you need to tell yourself,

go for it, but I have to thank you.

I wouldn't even have known I was being scammed

if you guys didn't care enough to follow me.

So ameseginalehu.

That means thank you.

- Okay. - No tricks.

Hope you don't mind.

Helped myself to some soup.

We don't have any soup.

You got ketchup, water, and raisins.

Ya got soup.

Aww, eating like a cartoon hobo again, huh?

- I'm proud of you. - Yeah.

Feels pretty good.

Actually, no, this feels terrible.

I could have had a jet. But you're right.

They're my friends,

and I shouldn't take advantage of them.

Nice watch.

Okay, Jun Ho was literally going to throw this

down the garbage disposal.

I saved him a call to a plumber.

Get away from me.

Brady, we were thinking all last night

about things that we could do together that wouldn't

cost you any money.

Get this: sailboat racing.

You don't have to spend any money on the fuel

because the wind is free...

For now.

Okay... I don't have a sailboat.

- Oh. - Oh, wow, you really are poor.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com