Original subtitles

I guess it all began when we were about 8 years old.

Right from the start,

we both wanted exactly the same thing.

And, Samuel, show the class

where you'd most like to live when you grow up.

I'd like to live in a house

in fields with trees and flowers.

Very good.

How about you, Antonia?

I'd like to live in a big black shoe.

Oh, right, like the lady in the nursery rhyme.

I see.

Hmm. Good.

And what about you, Jeremiah?

Show us all where you would like to live

when you're grown up.

Now, Jez… that's my business partner…

Has always put in that extra 10%.

Where did you get this, Jeremiah?

I made it.

Are you sure you didn't steal it?

No.

Who made it, Jeremiah?

I did.

And I made the lights.

How did you…

And I made the people.

But how did you…

I used the electric hole.

Bullshit.

Now, Dylan… For the last time,

I want you to tell this nice man from the IRS

exactly what you were doing

at the Chase Manhattan Bank this afternoon.

I told you, I was checking my account.

You're dyslexic.

Yeah, not innumerate.

Yeah, I know that, but you don't have a bank account.

You're not allowed to have a bank account,

and you know why that is?

Because you're 8!

Look, let me handle the kid.

This isn't getting us anywhere.

It's funny. Even from an early age,

I've always been able to handle accountants.

Now, you little brat,

we're all gettin' real tired,

so why don't you tell me,

man to man,

what was going on in the bank today?

I'm saving up for this.

No, not the writing. It's on the other side.

But, Dylan, a mansion like this

will cost you a hundred grand.

Yeah. Ha ha ha.

And where's an orphan… No offense…

Gonna find that kind of money?

♪ I first met you hangin' ♪ ♪ knickers on the line ♪

♪ From that moment on ♪

♪ I knew that ♪ ♪ there could only be ♪

♪ One outcome, me and you ♪ ♪ against the world forever ♪

♪ You have no folks, ♪ ♪ and I'm just a joke ♪

♪ But we made a vow ♪

♪ that we would never sell ♪ ♪ each other out ♪

♪ A lie detector wouldn't ♪ ♪ make me doubt you ♪

♪ Now we know that it's us ♪ ♪ versus the world, now ♪

♪ Me and you ♪ ♪ against the world, now ♪

♪ Look up there ♪ ♪ in the sky, now ♪

♪ See the stars, well, ♪ ♪ they're shining just for us ♪

♪ Hey, now, me and you ♪ ♪ against the world, now ♪

♪ Look up there ♪ ♪ in the sky, now ♪

♪ See the stars, well, ♪ ♪ they're shining just for us ♪

♪ We hitched a ride that would ♪ ♪ turn out suicide ♪

♪ I had my .45 replica gun ♪

♪ I didn't think ♪ ♪ we'd ever need it ♪

♪ Didn't know he had ♪ ♪ a real one loaded ♪

♪ You went in first, ♪ ♪ took the worst ♪

♪ Couldn't hear me ♪ ♪ shouting you to stop ♪

♪ Above the busy traffic ♪ ♪ passing by ♪

♪ We promised that together ♪ ♪ we would… ♪

♪ Now we know that it's us ♪ ♪ versus the world, now ♪

♪ Me and you ♪ ♪ against the world, now ♪

♪ Look up there ♪ ♪ in the sky, now ♪

♪ See the stars, well, ♪ ♪ they're shining just for us ♪

♪ Hey, now, me and you ♪ ♪ against the world, now ♪

♪ Look up there ♪ ♪ in the sky, now ♪

♪ See the stars, well, ♪ ♪ they're shining just for us ♪

18 years later,

and my charm and wit had run dry

with the great American public.

I owed a lot of money

to a gang of big guys with hairy shoulders.

It was a choice between losing some of my vital organs

or going to England.

I went to England.

There, I met Jez, and right away,

I knew he had things I'd never have…

Social incompetence and technical wizardry…

So we became a team and together started

a good old-fashioned family business…

Fleecing rich guys.

Mr. Greenway, do you know why you're here?

You're here to see technology at its most advanced.

You're here to buy a seventh-generation computer.

A human voice recognition computer.

A computer you can talk to.

A computer that'll talk to you.

Are you at all familiar

with the Symbeleen mainframe computer?

Mmm.

The Symbeleen can understand just 3,000 common words.

It has to be housed in an air-conditioned cabinet

the size of this table.

Mr. Greenway, this is useless.

It's a scientist's toy.

I'm going to keep things simple for you,

like our designers did on our Verbitec VT 88.50,

or Johnson, as we like to call it.

Ladies and gentlemen, can you stand up, please?

Can you come to this side of the desk?

This is Johnson.

It's the first computer to be truly free of a keyboard.

Mr. Greenway, nobody likes to type.

Everybody likes to talk.

You like to talk? I like to talk.

Johnson here doesn't just understand 3,000 words,

not just 6,000 words…

The common everyday vocabulary of you or me…

Johnson understands 80,024 words.

Johnson here will type, file, word-process,

do your accounts…

The only thing you're gonna have to do

is buy your lady's birthday present,

although Johnson here will remind you of the date

and also if she's not your wife.

Huh? Am I giving away secrets here? Huh?

Enough of this chitter-chatter.

Let's see this baby work.

Johnson, good afternoon.

How are you today?

It's great, huh?

Johnson…

You want to try this out?

Here. Come… come here.

I'm gonna introduce you to Johnson.

Johnson, key…

Introducing Greenway.

We need a little voice recognition sequence.

Try I'm a little teapot.

What?

The nursery rhyme I'm a little teapot.

It contains all the vowel sounds Johnson needs.

Oh, right.

Um… I'm a little teapot.

Short and… Stout.

Short and stout.

Where's your handle?

Here's my handle.

And?

Here's my spout.

That is remarkable.

It is incredible.

I'm interested.

Good. Good.

Eh… oh, god. Look, we've run over.

I'm going to, eh…

I gotta call you in a couple of months.

No, no, no, no. I really am interested.

No, no, no. Look, don't get me wrong.

I think that that's good.

It's just that there's another group coming in,

and I've got to set up.

We might want 8.

Right. Um…

Look. OK. Here's the thing.

This next company, if this works out,

they're gonna want

this month's entire delivery.

12. We want 12. Now.

They're gonna hate me for this.

OK, look, here's the deal.

If you can give me a 10% deposit now,

I think I can hold them for you.

Skippings, the checkbook.

It's a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Wolford.

We did it!

Ooh!

Bastard!

Jez! What is this?

You are really… You!

A genius!

Whoo!

Fantastic finger work, um… Uh…

Georgie. Thanks.

I can't begin to tell you what that means to me.

Relax. You can take 5. This is going so well.

Listen, before we carry on, can I ask you something?

You are sure this is all aboveboard, aren't you?

Uh, look, there's nothing

for you to worry about.

This is all completely as it looks.

Or did I not explain this properly to you before?

But no, you didn't, actually.

Oh, well, my mistake.

Um… OK.

Uh… what we're doing is, uh…

I… I gotta go.

I will talk to you later, I promise.

Dylan, sixth generation computer,

not seventh.

Right.

Georgie, Georgie, Georgie.

We are good guys, I promise.

You just… you have to trust me, OK?

OK?

OK? OK. OK.

OK?

OK.

OK.

No, never trust a man with woman's hips.

♪ Jesus, I'm freakin' ♪

♪ I've had such a weekend ♪

♪ I think I must be ♪ ♪ turnin' to god… ♪

You… you know why we're here.

You're here to buy a seventh…

Sixth… heh heh… Generation computer.

You're here to witness the birth of the sixth…

This computer stinks.

And it sucks.

I hate this computer.

Come on over here.

Can I introduce you to, uh, my Johnson…

Uh, to, uh, Johnson?

Nice tie.

Uh, thanks.

That's just a joke. It can't really see.

Do you know how many words this understands?

Take a guess. Take a guess. Just take a guess.

80,048 words.

Good grief.

2,800,648 words.

14,800,064 words.

And the infinity sign.

Can you do the nursery rhyme I'm a little teapot?

No, I can't.

Is that a real beard?

Yeah, it is.

Yeah. It is?

Here's my handle, and here's my spout.

That's my handle here.

This is my spout.

All right.

When you lift me up, you pour me out.

I'm leaving. I want my money.

What?

Look, I'm sorry.

But your advert.

"No job is too big,

too small, too difficult."

Give me that card a second.

Nope. Can't seem to find "no job too dodgy."

Hello.

Please, please, I'm begging you!

Look, I don't mean to be rude,

but you're con men, aren't you?

Can I come in?

In many ways… What?

No! Pardon?

No. Um…

Well, what are you, then?

We're nineties Robin Hoods.

It's just… I was, uh…

Expecting to… Where… where is your team?

It's probably much easier

if you just talk to me, isn't it?

Yes, of course it is.

Do you want to come in and have a seat?

Look, all the money's going to the poor.

Scout's honor.

It's all right. Get up.

Mrs. Ross, do you know why you're here?

You're here to see technology at its most advanced.

You're here to buy…

Mr. Wolford, cut the hard sell.

If the machine works, I'll buy it.

I'll buy your company.

Absolutely, Mrs. Ross.

Um, do you want to stand up

and come to this side of the table?

Where's your handle?

Uh, here's my handle, and here's my spout.

Spout.

Thank you, Ross.

Incredible.

What's the platform?

The, uh, the platform… um…

You know, our… our engineer is, um,

is due back from the factory

at, uh, well, just about now, actually,

so I'm gonna have you ask him.

If I could just see it.

This is Verbitec,

otherwise known as Mr. Pinkworth.

Uh… he's a little strange.

Mr. Pinkworth, Mrs. Ross wanted to see the platform.

I've got to make a few calls.

Why don't you two talk.

So?

What's the platform, Mr. Pinkworth?

Unix.

Actually, it's a beta version of Unix NT.

Advanced OS.

Can it make format view files?

Uh… yes. Yes, it can.

Mm-hmm.

Format view file… Uh, what is this?

How do you spend the money?

Key, setup format view file.

DYLAN, AS COMPUTER: I'd love to. Hold, please.

Oh, Jez, Jez.

Don't freeze up on me, Jez.

Oh, come on. What do you spend it on?

Fast cars? Women?

Do not… Sun beds?

Recognize format view file.

Searching data banks for possible match.

Georgie, please, you have to help me.

I am alphabetically illiterate.

I don't even know why I'm looking at this.

What do you spend the money on?

The money? We spend it on orphans.

Orphans?

An orphans housing project.

You know, those poor…

Poor people without families?

Come on. Give it to me.

DYLAN, AS COMPUTER: Closest match…

View format file.

Match correct?

Amazing.

Can I have a look inside?

I'd be really interested in the circuit layout.

Jez, bullshit her.

- What? - What?

Bullshit her. You told me the thing would work in theory.

It does work in theory.

What do you mean "in theory"?

In theory, it's always worked.

In theory, it's always worked.

But, uh, now it's here in practice.

But now it's here in practice.

Working.

Working.

Draw her a diagram.

Draw…

Let… let me just draw you a diagram.

And there's a series of nan gates

controlled by pin 6.

Please, it would be much easier

if I could just see it.

Dylan, are you feeling all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm… I'm cool.

It's Jez who's got

the problem with pressure, not me.

I'm going to open it.

Look, I'll open it myself.

Oh, god!

Here. Breathe into this steadily.

I've really got to go.

Please don't go.

Please…

Please don't go.

Anyone own a red Audi?

License P304-RGF?

Yes, me.

Oh, well, it's about to get clamped.

Whoo!

That was amazing, Georgie.

Uh, could I have my check now, please?

Your check? Have I asked you this before?

Have you done some modeling?

Yes, you have, actually.

Can you believe it back there?

Oh, we shot some fish.

Fat fish.

With money to burn.

It was like they wanted to give us their cash.

I know. When I told her

the CPU had a built-in 64-bit AST converter,

she didn't even blink.

Wow.

We are so close.

I know.

One more, and I think we're there.

Good afternoon, sir.

Hi. I'd like to clear these checks

and close the Verbitec account.

I'm going to be back on Tuesday.

Could you have the money ready for me then?

In fifties?

In fifties?

Cash. Fifties.

Hi.

Um…

All right, all right. 25 bucks.

No. £60.

Uh, all right, 30 quiddos now

and, uh, 30 more on Friday. Payday.

This is quite normal for secretarial work.

It's funny, but normal wasn't a word that sprung to mind

during the course of my employment with you.

Maybe I should ask those nice people at Verbitec

if they thought it was normal.

That kind of attitude is so uncharitable.

Did live aid mean nothing?

Get the computer! Come on!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing?!

My notes!

My notes!

I don't believe this.

Oh, god. They've ruined your typing.

And they've got my keys.

Listen, don't worry about this.

We'll sort out the notes.

Why don't you come back with us,

make a call about your keys,

and we'll make you a nice cup of tea.

♪ Who lives ♪ ♪ in a house like this? ♪

♪ Who lives ♪ ♪ in a house like this? ♪

♪ In number 69 there lives ♪ ♪ a transvestite ♪

♪ He's a man by day, ♪ ♪ but he's a woman at night ♪

♪ There's a man in number 4 ♪

♪ Who swears ♪ ♪ he's Saddam Hussein ♪

♪ Says he's on a chore ♪ ♪ to start a third world war ♪

♪ Oh, if you find the time ♪

♪ please come and stay awhile ♪

♪ In my beautiful neighborhood ♪

♪ In 110, they haven't ♪ ♪ paid the rent ♪

♪ So there goes the TV ♪ ♪ with the repo men ♪

♪ In 999, they make ♪ ♪ a living from crime… ♪

Excuse the smell. It's, um…

Gas?

That's right.

Do you have your own peddle, then?

No. The water… It's used in the gas.

We use it to seal in the gas.

Oh, god. It's amazing.

Thanks.

We sort of think of it as post, uh, apocalyptic.

♪ What the world… ♪

Tea or coffee?

Coffee, thanks.

Coffee.

♪ Love, sweet love ♪

♪ it's the only thing ♪

♪ That there's just ♪ ♪ too little of ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ is love, sweet love ♪

♪ no, not just for some ♪

♪ but for everyone ♪

♪ lord, we don't need ♪ ♪ another mountain ♪

♪ There are mountains ♪ ♪ and hillsides ♪

♪ Enough to climb ♪

♪ there are oceans ♪ ♪ and rivers… ♪

Do you want to sit down?

Thanks.

♪ Enough to last… ♪

Hi. DVLC?

Hi. I'm just calling to, um…

The Zimmer frame is in the corner, honey.

Hi. Sorry about that.

I'm expecting the registration documents for my van.

Yeah, it's a-to5-of.

Hold the Walker steady, darling.

There you go.

That's great.

Sorry about that.

Can you tell me if you sent it

to my old or to my new address?

Yeah.

154 Stanley Grove, S.W. 19.

Yeah, that's right.

Thank you.

Is that the West End theater?

Yes, you can. I want to talk to the manager, please.

Non-dairy cream in your coffee?

Non-dairy?

No cows. Stays fresh.

Um, no. Black's fine. Thanks.

Yes, you can.

I booked 4 tickets for Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber's…

Oh, how about a bourbon biscuit?

No. Best not. Trying to keep off them.

And there was no record of our booking.

As a result,

we had to stand in the rain for 45 minutes,

which… no, I am not done!

My youngest, Jessica, caught a throat infection.

Her glands are now dangerously high,

and she is a goddamned asthmatic!

Now, what do you intend to do about that?!

No, I will not go on hold!

4 complimentary tickets for Saturday night.

OK, sure. 2 in the stalls, 2 in the boxes.

Yeah. Ricky Lee Hasselhoff. Umlaut on the "o."

Jez, Jez, Jez.

Show her that, um, you know, that Van de Graaff thingy.

Would you like to see?

Let me at it.

Operator?

Well, the crackle is still on the line.

Can you… can you hear it?

I'd like a… a… a refund

for the last 2 calls I made.

Could you pass me the strip light?

Yes, of course I'll confirm that in writing.

Is it Freepost?

Ah! Ha ha!

This is how it works.

The static electricity activates particles in the tube,

causing molecular friction, and it lights up.

Wow.

And… if you'll take…

Oh.

If we make a connection, the static will travel through.

Hee Hee! That's wonderful.

Oh, look.

Ha ha.

What are we doing?

Oh! Yes.

Would you allow me the pleasure of taking you

to the theater on Saturday night?

Do you ask all your secretaries

to go to the theater with you

on their first day?

Actually, uh, it's something of a tradition.

Yes, I do.

Oh, well, who am I to deprive an American

of what little tradition he can get?

I'd love to come.

Well, listen, thank you very much.

Hello. It's me.

Uh, about the rest of my money.

I'll have it at the theater.

You better had, or it'll be curtains.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Now, that is a thing of beauty.

Mmm, who you're flirting with.

Have you fallen?

No, I haven't.

Jez, you got a little bit of a crush?

You're wasting your time.

I know. You're good-looking,

and I'm too technical.

Look, Jez, you've got to stop punishing yourself.

You're not too technical, just ugly… gross ugly.

But why do I have to talk

about diodes, resistors,

parallel interface?

I mean, I can see them start to drift off,

begging me to stop.

I try and be like I am with you, but…

Look, you gotta relax. You're too nervous.

Don't think virgin Madonna.

Think Madonna Madonna.

Oh, shit! It's a gearshift.

Well…

Ah. Just there. That's fine.

Now, I know it's been a long day,

and it's very late, but you must remember, students,

that without a thorough grounding in anatomy,

no future doctor can hope to have

any knowledge of the parts of the body

or to be able to…

This arrived after you left.

I'm sorry. Could you open it?

Oh, it's from Roger.

"Darling Georgie,

"the deeds are completed at last.

"I'm buying the foundation,

"so the staff, the patients,

"and your brother are safe…

"my gift to you

"in the merry month of September

on our wedding day."

The foundation isn't going to the tax man!

I know!

Sorry.

I rang Robin. He was really excited.

You read the telegram.

Well, of course I read it.

Oh, come on.

For Christ sake, you're my sister.

I was just really looking forward

to us doing that.

You know, letting Robin know it's all right.

Oh, shit. That was bad, wasn't it? I'm sorry.

Georgie, are you OK about this?

Yeah. No, Roger's lovely.

He's handsome… Generous…

Punctual.

And punctuality is important.

Yes, it is.

Oh, look, Robin and I are going to be living

with you in the house.

Yeah, you better had be.

You'll be shocked by what's to try on

when you shop at world of nylon.

Is that good?

Yes, yes, yes.

Good.

Yes, fine. That's good.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. One more.

OK. How about this one?

"In not more than 8 words,

explain why you buy Zappy Nappies."

I buy Zappy Nappies for my kids…

Shit. I've run out of words.

We could try just that.

What, I buy Zappy Nappies for my kids?

Shit.

I've got it!

Weighs less than a bun, holds more than a ton.

Completely disgusting.

But it's honest.

And honesty gets you…

A year's free supply of Zappy Nappies.

So remind me, what do we want

with a year's free supply of diapers?

Well, in one of those baby care CD-ROMs,

it says a baby relieves himself 8.2 times a day.

8.2?

That means he gets his nappy changed once every 3 hours

to avoid chapping.

Isn't that a little rash?

Which is 2,920 nappies a year.

A pack of 50 costs, what, £8.

£467.20. We sell them half-price to Gary,

who'll collect.

And we make…£235.

Come on. Get up. We gotta go out.

Out.

♪ We go ♪

♪ to places ♪

♪ where everything ♪ ♪ feels amazing ♪

♪ No need to pretend ♪

♪ we know ♪ ♪ we're good friends… ♪

Start up.

Oh!

Sorry.

Hi.

My notes, I left them in your car.

You look tired.

I am. I'm exhausted.

I didn't get any sleep at all last night.

I'll just get your notes.

Thanks.

So, nice van.

Oh, uh, um, yesterday, with that paper bag,

how… how did you know that?

You, um… what, you hit,

what, first aid in high school or, uh…

No. Medical school.

Oh, and… oh, right.

The notes. That's, uh…

You're a typist in medical school.

No. I'm training to be a doctor.

You're… oh, wow.

Wow. A doctor.

Wow. With secretarial skills.

Hey, Jez, Jez, did… Doctor.

Doctor.

- Your notes. - Thank you.

Oh, Jez, I meant to ask you yesterday,

what was the name of the orphanage

you donate to?

It's, um…

It's, um…

We, uh, you know…

Well, we give, but we really don't like to talk about it.

Um, we're very much like Phil Collins

in that respect.

Well, I can see

why you don't like to talk about it.

So we'll see you Saturday?

See you Saturday.

Hey, uh, what are you doing today?

I have to study.

Would you allow us the pleasure of, um,

feeding you breakfast first?

Yeah, I guess you owe me one.

What are we doing here?

Insulation.

Insulation?

Insulation.

Third prize in the DIY competition.

Insulation?

You know, I can see it now.

She's a stunningly attractive woman.

It means she's relaxed in our company.

If she relaxes any more, it could get very messy.

Don't. She might hear you.

Jez, look at her. She's wrecked.

God only knows what she was up to last night.

You're twisted.

She's got charm and warmth and…

And neat little sit-up breasts.

Right. Cranworth Crescent.

It's hardly a Crescent, is it?

All right. Number 57.

What is this?

Eh… James Stratton-Luce.

Hello. Can I help you?

Hello, Mrs… Um…

Stratton-Luce. Yes. What do you want?

James asked us to come round

and slot in some insulation for your lovely new abode.

Did he?

Yes, he did. Uh…

£100 down payment for today.

Right. Well, you'd better come in.

He did leave you the £50 balance?

Uh… no, he didn't.

Oh, right.

Um… well, we could come back…

Could we come back later this week?

Yes, but lose the down payment.

Right. You'll lose your down payment.

No. Um, listen.

I'll scrape something together.

Great. Thwartman,

let's get the hardware in.

Thwartman?

That's the worst english accent.

Dylan, why are we insulating

this woman's loft?

Trust me.

Mrs. Stratton-Luce!

Dylan, we've just laid the insulation

we won from all in one diy.

We made less money than we could've

from flogging the stuff.

Is this public relations?

Is there a problem?

Not at all, Mrs. Stratton-Luce.

The job, as you can see, is complete.

Hmm.

Thank you. Regards to James.

I'm not doing another one.

Uh-huh.

We don't have enough.

Trustingness is next to godliness.

Lofttec.lofttec.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I mean, we earn a small fortune yesterday.

We only need one more grand.

Dylan?

♪ Je-ez ♪

Dylan.

Look behind you.

Brilliant.

♪ Jesus, I'm freakin' ♪

♪ I've had such a weekend ♪

♪ I think I must be ♪ ♪ turnin' to gold… ♪

Mr. Marcus Black.

Mrs. uh, Wumblow-Pierce?

Mrs… Pass-MacGroyne.

S-s-sil's dead?

Dead. Right.

Mrs… uh… Cummins.

Robert asked us to come around

and slot in some insulation.

Oh. I wonder where he got the money for that.

How much is it?

£50.

Well, I know Robert

thought we needed insulation,

but I'm surprised he thinks we can afford it.

I'll see if I can find £50.

Thin fish. Mrs. Cummins,

why don't we come back another day?

Yeah. We might be

running a special

in a few weeks' time.

Oh, thank you. I think that would be better.

Bye.

Penis.

Why didn't I see you bringing the insulation in?

Insulation…

Without the aggravation.

That's our motto.

Well… I hope you're going to tidy up this mess.

Give us 10 minutes.

She doesn't want a mess.

I think we can help.

Have you got glass fiber

in between your bum cheeks?

Well, there's nothing here now.

They said you'd ordered it.

They may have gone next door.

Were they foreign or something?

Uh, I think one of them was Australian.

Have you checked your loft?

Have a look.

So, Mr. and Mrs. Cummins,

may all your winters be warmer.

Insulation for the nation.

Hello, young men?

Is there a problem?

Not at all, Mrs. Furnival-Jones.

And have you tidied up?

Yeah. We were just coming down.

35… 40…

You don't have any £50 notes by any chance?

I find these smallish bills so easy to spend.

You've done such lovely things with your abode.

- Yes. - Run.

Run!

That's all right. We forgot something.

Thwartman?

Oh!

Mrs. Furnival-Jones,

are those workmen still here?

They're upstairs.

Aah!

Hey! There they are!

Where?

Where's the keys?

I gave them to you.

We stole the Van!

Georgie!

Georgie, start the van!

Jez, get inside!

Dylan!

You little bastards!

I love revenge.

"Dear van owner…

"I was rushing back to an ailing relative

"when my car broke down,

"and not wishing to be delayed,

"I took your van and continued on.

"I have now returned the van

"with a full tank of petrol…

"And… 2 theater tickets

to Andrew Lloyd Webber's exciting new musical…"

Let's have a look.

"Which I hope will go some way

to righting my wrong."

You two are compulsive risk takers

who thrive on danger, right? Absolutely.

There's one thing I can't figure out.

You spend a lot of time setting up

a complicated computer scam, yeah?

Yup.

And that pays you what, say, 50 grand?

More or less, yeah.

And then you work just as hard for £800.

950 to be exact. Yeah.

You get free tea and coffee,

and you even sneak back

the cost of your phone calls.

You were paying attention.

That's very perceptive. Why?

Well, you know, we're raising money

for this orphans project.

When the checks clear,

we'll have the necessary funds.

Oh, this is scary.

I'm starting to believe you.

Dylan!

That's great, Jez. That's what we need.

Are you really giving it

to an orphans housing project?

The orphans? Yeah, yeah. We really are.

Do you two ever spend any money at all?

In the last 3 years, we've spent…

£2,337…

And sixpence.

Factory seconds.

Oh, hey, hey.

Oh, beauty.

He's got an "A"

in the psychology of electronics.

The psychology of electronics? What's that?

It means I can't get a job. What about you?

What've you got besides herpes?

Uh, dyslexia. I've got dyslexia.

It means I can't get a job, either.

Dylan?

No. No more.

Can you fix toasters?

No, but he can tell you how they were feeling

when they decided to break down.

What's the problem with it?

I don't know. The bread just won't turn to toast.

Well, I'd have to see it.

Oh, I didn't mean you

to come fix my toaster.

I just… Was wondering…

Oh, no, no, no. Listen, he could come by.

He'll take a look at it.

Surely? Of course.

Tomorrow, before lunch?

Yeah. Thanks.

God, am I dead.

Pediatric anesthesia. I can't bear it.

Hi.

I said I'd come.

Your toaster.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Come in, come in.

Have you just got up?

No. I just got in.

I'm sure he'll pull through now.

Go in.

Nice place.

Oh, god, it's not ours.

My sister and I

are borrowing it from a friend.

Is this your sister?

Yeah… and little brother.

Right.

It doesn't pop out, or it won't stay down.

Well, I'm not promising anything.

It's usually a triresistal malfunction

with the thermostatic control.

Really? As simple as that?

Sorry. I'm getting technical.

It's all right. I'm only joking.

Sit down.

Dylan says I must never forget the pain

my scientific knowledge can cause other people.

Dylan says that to you?

Well, technically, he's right.

You two have a bizarre relationship.

How did you meet?

Do you really want to know?

Why, is it technical?

Well, I turned up for a day's work…

Ages ago now… It was about 5 years…

Replying to an advert

which asked for anti-corrosion specialists.

I turned up, and there he was… Dylan.

Well, we were asked by the foreman

to paint over every spot of rust

with a red lead mixture.

My heart sank. Those things are huge.

And, you see, the great big streaks of rust were OK,

but every little pinprick had to be dabbed.

It was gonna take weeks. So, Dylan worked out

that as long as we cover the big stuff

and the man sees little dobs of paint everywhere else,

we're gonna get paid.

♪ When I am sad and weepy ♪

♪ when all my hope is gone ♪

♪ and I can't put my finger ♪

♪ On the time things ♪ ♪ first went wrong ♪

♪ I have a little secret ♪

♪ I like to tell myself ♪

♪ and until now I haven't ♪ ♪ told anybody else ♪

♪ You may not see ♪ ♪ things my way… ♪

Am I disturbing something?

No, nothing. Um, this is Jez.

Jez, this is Floss, my sister.

It's a very interesting model.

Sorry?

The Morph-Richards Tuid-3. Your toaster?

Yes. A lot of people have told us that.

Well, I better be off. Free lunch.

Bye, Georgie, Jez. Bye-bye.

Would you excuse me a minute?

I have to get changed.

Sure. Thanks.

Hello? I've finished.

My god, you look…

Did you get it working?

What?

The Morphy… Um, the toaster.

I should go.

Yeah, me, too.

Thanks, Jez. You're wonderful.

Bye.

♪ If I could catch a star ♪

♪ before it touched the ground ♪

♪ I'd place it ♪ ♪ in a box… ♪

I'm sorry. I didn't realize

you were this lonely.

I missed the signs.

What are these?

Never a wrinkle, never a crease.

Make it thin, or make it…

Obese! Obese!

Blenson's pack-away mannequins!

And so useful.

These are mannequins?

I guess someone lost their girlie store license.

Lucky for us… They're nice girls.

♪ …With you by my side ♪

♪ how fast the shadows fade ♪

♪ And there is hope ♪ ♪ inside my heart ♪

I'd rather do her.

♪ For I have something ♪ ♪ wonderful to live for ♪

♪ The world's a better place ♪ ♪ with you to turn to ♪

♪ I'm a better man ♪ ♪ for having loved you… ♪

See you home at 11:00.

Yeah, maybe.

Are you gonna try it on with Georgie?

"Try it on"?

Your slang baffles me.

Look, 11:00, please?

Please, please?

"Dogs: The musical"

will be starting in 3 minutes.

All right, here's your 30 bucks.

Thank you.

Would you have a program?

No, no, no.

Dylan, can I ask you

how long you've been in England?

Sure, babe.

How long have you been in England?

5 years.

And you still say "bucks" and "babe"?

It's sad, isn't it?

Jez. Jez, they're here.

OK. I'll see you at 11:00.

"Dear van…"

Oh, laptop…

We missed you.

Arf! Arf!

Arf! Arf!

What are you doing?

Phone now?

Is that Jeff?

Yeah. Hello, Terry.

Just make sure it's not

the old theater trick, yeah?

All right. Catch you later.

Come on.

Recording.

Stop. Rewind.

Hello, international operator?

Yeah. Could you put me through

to the talking clock in… Sao Paolo?

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Go on. In.

Hello, mate.

I've got you now, boy! I've got you now!

All praise to my quick-release trousers.

Ugghh!

They were lovely.

Oh, when those puppies went, "oh, oh, oh!"

Oh, it made me cry.

What's going on?

I'm just not that keen on nightclubs.

Don't be a Jez. It'll be fun.

I'm tired, I'm not dressed right,

and I hate loud music.

You are beautiful, sexy, and…

You're a little troubled

and this will make you feel better.

What makes you think I'm troubled?

I'm quite emotionally sensitive.

You're the least

emotionally sensitive person

I've ever met.

Hey.

This is Georgie.

Nice to meet you.

What insulation?

Listen, I'm the one who's been burgled here.

Sir, so far, the only proof of a burglary

is that somebody stopped

your videotaping blind date.

Bastards!

Oh, shut it.

Oh, yes… And these.

Look, I haven't done anything wrong.

You're gonna sleep with her, aren't you?

You're gonna romance her at the club,

and then sleep with her.

♪ You know, most men ♪

♪ only look for the surface ♪ ♪ thing in a woman ♪

♪ And when it comes to you ♪

♪ I find that it's more than ♪ ♪ just that looks thing ♪

♪ What you do have ♪ ♪ to offer, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, but it's ♪ ♪ more than that ♪

♪ I need you so deep, baby ♪

♪ You're my… ♪

I want to… Pleasure you with my tongue.

Hello. Hi.

This is a surprise. Yeah, isn't it?

What are you doing here?

Is it scouts tonight?

No, no. I was just passing.

You… you OK?

Yeah.

Did he try to pleasure you with his tongue?

Is it that obvious?

It's a kind of compulsion with him.

He has to exchange fluids with everyone he meets.

That's why we never have pets.

Do… do you like nightclubs?

No, I hate them.

Me, too.

The sound pressure level of the high frequency

can really damage your cochlea.

It's all right, Jez.

You don't have to be nervous with me.

Oh, it's beautiful up here.

Not many people have a pond on their roof.

No one ever comes up here apart from me.

Why?

I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

Fleas?

No, heh.

We got a bulk shipment of these t-shirts

a while back from a multi-entry competition.

"Give your cat glitz.

It's like dining at the Ritz."

And, what, it hurts you?

The label's scratchy.

Oh, well, I'll have a look.

No? No.

I think you're gonna need scissors.

Scissors.

Be prepared.

There you go.

Um… I should go.

Yeah.

Your bag.

Thanks. It's a really lovely place.

Really special.

Bye.

Run, my beauty, run!

Vacuum Pack is bringing up the rear.

Out front as they go for the line,

it's Marty's Choice, followed home by Ski-n-Do,

then Baby Mine third…

The favorite, Vacuum Pack, is a distant last.

So, how is Vacuum Pack doing at the moment?

Oh, he's the best horse in the field.

No, it's, um…

It's tactical racing, darling.

Every time he loses, his odds improve.

If he wins the challenge cup,

his sperm will be worth 200,000 a throw.

A spurt?

Uh… yeah, exactly.

It'll all be yours when we're married.

Oh, how romantic. Horse sperm is forever.

You just don't deserve me.

You're right.

God, I adore you.

What are you doing for the rest of your life?

I always like what you do.

Of course I do. It's lovely,

but I'd like to see it smaller,

I'd like to see it smoother,

and I'd like to see it working.

Good-bye. Next?

So, come on… Impress me.

Mr. Gilzean… Clear your head

of all the detritus,

all the flotsam and jetsam of the day, if you will,

and allow me to introduce you

to the future of mobile lighting.

The Krypton Hand-o-Lite is a lighting device

the like of which you have not seen before.

Treasure this moment, sir,

for you will recall it to your children…

And to your children's children.

Mr. Peewit, the Krypton Hand-o-Lite, please.

Huh?

Huh?

That… is amazing.

You want to try it?

Just grasp it in either hand,

give it a squeeze,

and let a little light into your life.

Ohh…

Oh… oh…

Jenny! Jenny! Marcus! Come in here, please.

I've something to show you.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny… Hold this. Huh?

Marcus! Come here.

Marcus… try this.

Mr. Peewit, please. Are you OK?

Ha ha ha!

How much for 1,000 of these?

Uh…£5,000.

OK, you've got a deal.

Come and see me again in 2 days.

Right.

Put it there.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Thank you, sir.

Thanks.

Bye-bye then.

Take some biscuits with you.

I have enough for now.

Thank you very much, indeed.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Jez.

Georgie!

Just rob the bank?

Look, I'm sorry about the other night,

on the roof.

Oh, it's OK.

Take this to the finance director.

Let's do business.

All right. Pleasure, sir.

Sorry to rush through your deposit,

but cash flow is always a…

Problem during expansion.

That's not the problem, Mr… Deanus.

I've got the check right here.

I'll just sign it for you.

There we are.

Thank you very much.

What are these? The coffers.

Why don't you keep it in the bank?

What, help the rich get richer? No.

Anyway, it's not safe there.

Oh, of course. Silly me.

So, this is the £2 million, is it?

Uh-huh.

Can I see it?

Sorry. I've got the key for the safe.

Dylan's got the key for the cases.

Can you trust him?

Dylan? Dylan's completely trustworthy.

He's just a bit unreliable

in some areas.

Like I told him I thought you were unique,

and he tried to tongue you.

Oh, gorgeously put, but point taken.

♪ Do you know ♪ ♪ the way to San Jose? ♪

♪ I'm goin' back to find ♪ ♪ some piece of mind… ♪

Hi. I…

What are the cases doing out?

Oh, we can trust her.

You can trust me.

I think I should go.

Yeah, I think so.

Um, Jez, I wanted to tell you something.

It's not a good time.

Well, I'll call you later, then.

Yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Jez, you don't show the cases to anybody.

I… I know, I know.

Nobody.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry, or… You're sorry sorry?

I'm sorry sorry.

I picked up the money for…

For Verbitec.

Nobody.

I know.

Oh, lord. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hello? 1212? Scotland Yard?

Jez… you know we've got no family.

And you're, uh… You're my…

We've come a long way.

We did it.

We did it.

Dylan…

Yeah?

Who gave you the check?

I… I don't know.

Some guy at accounts.

What was his name?

Uh, Stratton something.

Did he have big black ears and a wiggly nose?

Did he what?

"Mickey Mouse."

Maybe that's his nickname?

You said "Stratton something."

Could it be Stratton-Luce?

Um… yeah, that's it.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Jez, open it up. Jez!

Jez, hurry up!

Can we help you?

Dylan Zimbler…

And Jeremiah Quinney,

before I impose sentence, have you anything to say?

Your honor, I'm not at all concerned

for my own welfare,

but I would very much like to say

a few words about this man here.

Go ahead, but make it brief.

Jeremiah Quinney is the nicest,

kindest, most decent person I've ever known.

He was brought up an orphan, an outsider.

No home, no family, nowhere to run to.

When the going got tough…

"Mummy, mummy, it's cold outside.

Can I come in now?"

Well, there was no mummy.

This man has been pushed around,

he's been laughed at, humiliated,

he's failed miserably with women…

All right.

Wh-why? Why does this man

find himself here in a courtroom?

Because there was never anyone there

to make a difference.

Today, your honor,

you can make that difference.

3 months for the pair of you.

That made a difference.

What are your financial circumstances?

We're broke. We're broke.

I order you to repay the sum embezzled…

And costs at the rate of…

50 pence per week.

Next!

How about a drink and a chat?

Absolutely.

You know where they live?

Um, darling, what about

all things bright and beautiful?

Yeah. Good.

She's getting married.

Why didn't she just tell me?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, Jez.

Yeah.

No, no, Jez. No.

What does this say?

"£50…"

"The palace won its high-court claim

"that the queen's likeness is unflattering

"and therefore defamatory.

"In an emergency measure,

"the courts ordered the bank of England

"to immediately withdraw the £50 note,

"making it non-legal tender after…

June 19, 1300 hours g.M.T."

That's one day before we're released.

What?

We are about to become the proud possessors

of 2 million quid of useless notes

because the queen doesn't like her picture?

Jesus Christ!

It's self self self for some people!

No, no, no.

You take 2 million to a bank,

they're going to ask questions,

talk to the police.

OK. What about buying something expensive?

Yeah. That's the great thing about prison.

The shopping facilities are excellent.

We play our cards right, we can end up

with £2 million worth of tobacco

and Pamela Anderson posters.

I meant get someone to spend it for us.

Mickey the fence is out this week.

Let's ask him to do it.

Hey, Mickey!

Georgie.

Georgie.

No.

No, no, no, Jez…

No. She mustn't know I'm here.

Jez, this is us.

Search!

Ohh…

Tangy and hollow and easy to swallow.

Please don't.

It goes down, or we do.

Oh, I'm so proud

you're doing this, Robin.

I'm going to be your father for a day.

Yes, you are.

You nervous?

Nervous?

God, no.

No.

Are you sure?

No. I feel amazingly calm.

If you're happy,

then so am I.

Tch. Well, thanks.

No, I feel like wedding-day Barbie.

I couldn't be happier.

That's good.

I'm scared stiff.

I forgot. I got a letter for you from Jez.

Oh, great. Where from, Brazil?

He's in prison.

He's in prison? Why?

Well, I don't know.

He said he wants you to meet him today.

Today…

Oh, god! What am I going to do? Georgie,

you're getting married. It's going to be OK.

Yes, it is.

Are you not coming? You'll be all right?

I'll answer the phone. Yes.

It's sorted.

I've secured the eviction order

for closing the foundation.

As soon as you sign the register, let me know.

Who is this?

Roger?

You know the way we told Georgie

we're nineties Robin Hoods?

Yeah.

Well…

How would you feel

if she found out the truth?

The bottom would drop out of my world.

Seriously.

Seriously? Don't tell her.

Love, honor, and keep him in sickness

and in health,

and keep thee only unto him

so long as ye both shall live?

I…

Hello?

I need to speak to her now.

Right.

For you.

Hello. Oh, Georgie, thank god!

Listen, don't marry him. He's going to…

Where are you? I'm outside in the rolls.

He's going to sell the foundation.

Some shady business involved.

Oh, I see.

Before I say this,

I really am terribly sorry.

You bastard!

Well, at least we know we can count on Georgie.

I'm going to the toilet.

I'm going to the toilet.

You came.

Well, you know,

I was just passing and, uh…

You… you're married?

No, I'm not.

So… how can I help?

Spend £2 million?

That's every girl's dream.

Georgie,

I want to be honest with you.

What's the matter, Jez?

Well… the money we've saved…

But you were dishonest getting it.

Yeah, but…

Well, yeah.

But it's OK.

It's for a good cause

from people who could afford it.

If you like, I could get it direct

to your orphans project for you.

You could, but you see… you see,

the orphans project is, well…

That would affect their tiny government handout

that they're getting this year.

Hi, Georgie.

Actually, there is sort of another small problem.

The key?

It's like rush hour in here.

Gridlock.

Georgie… could you get the cases and keep them with you

and then come back for Dylan's key? Yes, of course.

They've got an explosive security system.

Do you know anything about high explosives?

'Cause it's just that if you Jez, I won't open them.

OK.

Great.

Thanks.

Bye.

She's not coming back till the day before our release.

It's too late.

We've got to get ourselves hospitalized.

We escape from there. Hospitalized.

Just… hit me. Come on, hit me.

We got to, like, rough each other up a little bit.

Hit me.

Come on.

Oh, shit.

Come on, boys,

what do you think you're playing at?

Ah!

Aah! Whoaah!

Are you lads all right?

Yeah, OK.

Thanks.

Uh, hey, you… you forgot your book.

Ow.

We just need some time.

Yeah.

There he is.

Desperate times, Jez.

Hey… hey, you!

Aah!

Hold it! Jeez, all right,

break it up! Break it up!

Come on! Hey, fight!

The crappy guff you do!

Hey!

Haul him into the ward! Secure him!

Oh, god…

Come on.

I can't.

Look…

You've got to try it.

Oh, Jez, come on. I've tried. Believe me.

Right. Listen…

If we don't get that money changed,

all our plans are over.

Finished.

No key…

No stately home.

No stately home?

No stately home.

No stately home…

Oh…

Uh-oh…

Oh, oh, turn around, turn around.

Oh.

Guard?

Guard!

What's with this?

Oh, no, no, they haven't…

They have a gap, they always have…

Oh, for crying out loud…

Hi, Georgie. Hi.

Georgie, hi, you have to help us.

Tell her how to disarm the cases.

It's not possible. She needs the key.

Well, I…

What about a saw?

Too risky.

I, uh…

I'm a broken man. You have to help me.

Us. You have to help us.

Well, OK, I'll try.

I'd like to be alone.

Um, Georgie…

The money in the cases, I-it's not…

What?

The money… the money… The money… the money…

I-I-it's not… It's not… it's not…

Jez, calm down.

The orphans. The orphans, uh…

Remember I told you about the orphans?

Yeah?

Well, th-the orphans…

Look, what I'm trying to say is… is… is that…

Is that the money, the money in the cases,

the… the poor people! The poor people…

The poor people are… are…

The poor people are…

Are we.

Are we. We. We're the poor people.

What, you kept all the money for yourselves?

You lied to me.

We're the orphans.

We never had a home.

Jez, you told her?

Well, just… just…

Come on, just… You told her.

Yeah.

I cannot believe you told her!

Jez!

Sh-she hates me.

Yeah, of course she hates you,

because you're a schmuck, Jez.

Here… here's why:

Um, she's poor,

she's got our cases,

and she's been dicked by you.

We're never going to see her again!

I don't care if you're sorry sorry.

If Roger had got eviction orders,

where would he have got them from?

Ah.

Any lawyer.

Oh, that's helpful.

OK. If I wanted to save the house, the foundation,

and the grounds, what would I need?

Well, it's getting a little late for that.

How much?

£1.5 million.

But, with death duties

and my… fees, about 2 million.

By when?

Next week.

Biscuit?

Thank you.

Governor wants to see you two in his office.

Jeremiah…

Dylan…

Lesley has died.

Lesley?

Oh, no…

Who?

Lesley!

Lesley's dead!

Who… who's Lesley?

Our Lesley is… is dead?

Governor…

Lesley was so young and so… and so fresh.

84.

Just 84.

The most… sprightly pensioner

I ever met.

Who's Lesley?

Will you…

Sir, Lesley was… Was like an auntie.

- Uh, uncle. - Uncle.

Uncle. Uncle, auntie…

Guru to this man, and look at him,

he's become emotionally detached.

Hey. Hey!

Lesley is dead, man!

Lesley's gone!

Ohh… oh…

OK. OK. OK, buddy.

Oh, Lesley, Lesley! No!

I think it's starting to get through to him.

Let it out, buddy.

Let it out. OK.

Let it out.

The cremation is this morning.

I'm so sorry.

I, too, am sorry to hear of your loss.

I've taken into account

that you are to be paroled tomorrow anyway,

and I have decided to allow you

to attend the ceremony.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Mmwah! Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪ Often see me ♪ ♪ wake you in the sun ♪

♪ In the summertime ♪

♪ some lousy deed ♪ ♪ and now we're done ♪

Kneel down. Kneel down.

Could you leave us for a few minutes?

Oh…

I'm sorry I lied.

Don't be. Open the boot.

Wait. Put the money in here.

The cases are great, but they're hardly subtle.

Stately…

Home.

Come on.

I should check.

Just give them another couple of minutes…

No. I should look.

Look here, I don't think you…

Can we get this over, please?

Are you all right?

Just a few more minutes, please.

They've gone out.

Where are we going?

There's a chess set

that's expected to take about £1,800,000 at auction.

We buy it with the money

and then we resell it. Oh, yes.

Amazing, Georgie.

Oh…

Oh, no…

We're never going to make it.

We'll be too late.

Oh, I can't…

We get back, make a plan.

Back? No.

Dylan, back.

Back or forwards?

Back. Forwards.

Back! Forwards!

No… we have to go…

You're drunk!

Back!

I'm sorry. That's it. I'm going in.

I don't think you must…

You must have noticed…

Ohh…

Oh, my… I think she's fainted.

Oh. Hide the money.

No… oh!

No, quit…

No. No.

No!

No! No!

"…hereby commit his body to the…"

OK. If you loved him, let him go.

"…dust to dust

in the sure and certain hope…"

Look, I'm really sorry.

I'll pick you up tomorrow at 12:00.

Here's Georgina. Got everything?

Thanks. You're really quick, vicar.

Well done, Mikey. Thank you, Hilda.

We should better get away on this.

I think we pulled it off rather well.

I'm here to see Mr. Collyns.

Well, just a minute now. I'm afraid he's busy…

Mr. Collyns…

Roger.

I have the money for the foundation.

I'm sorry, I…

Held him off as long as I could.

I… uh…

What have you done?

I had to sell him your house.

And that means

the foundation will…

Sadly have to be shuttered.

You sold him my house?

Well, I…

Um…

You buggered a property deal

that could've made us richer

than you could have possibly imagined.

A property deal? A property deal!

Christ, Roger,

you've known me since I was a child.

Has money ever meant anything to me?

And, you know, I honestly thought

our marriage could work.

I didn't love you. You knew that.

But I had thought I understood you,

what little there was to understand,

but you really have surpassed yourself,

managing to keep a secret for…

Well, Christ, you've been proposing to me for years.

Is that what you had at the back of your mind?

Of course not.

I met the businessman…

A few months ago?

It was

a once-in-a-lifetime deal.

You.

Well, I suppose there had to be some brains

behind this deception.

We trusted you!

You've been our family lawyer

since the dark ages.

Oh, look, just sell me the house.

What use is it to you?

You made me look a bloody fool

in front of all my friends.

But that's very kind of you to say so, Roger,

but in all fairness, I think a little

of the groundwork had been done for me.

Mr. Collyns, you're sacked.

From dealing with your poverty?

Hello.

You bought the horse.

Roger.

Yes, I have, and I want the house

and the foundation back.

Now, look, Georgie,

there's something I must explain to you.

I authorized the sale.

What?

You just paid 2 million quid

for some dog food and wood glue.

Ha ha ha!

Excuse me.

I want a word with you.

Do you know the whereabouts

of Mr. Pinkworth?

Um…

Oh, daddy!

Stratton-Luce.

Maybe.

Oh, god, what happened?

Um…

The money didn't burn in the coffin.

The what?

My father converted one wing of our family house

into a foundation for children

with Down's syndrome.

My brother was born Down's.

Where's the money?

Well, father died recently,

and the house and grounds had to go into receivership

because we couldn't pay the death duties.

You've spent all of our money

on people with Down's syndrome.

Dylan, we thought we'd lost the money.

Well, I wanted to buy the house…

But I was too late.

So what did you buy?

I think you better come outside.

I feel sick.

We could've had this beautiful mansion

where we all could've lived in luxury,

albeit with a bunch of loonies…

I'm sorry, disadvantaged children.

Instead all we've got is a horse

whose only value is as Italian sausage.

Sorry, Vacuum,

it happens to be the truth.

This is my sister Floss

and our brother Robin,

and this is Jez.

And Dylan.

Hi.

Hi.

Both lost for words.

That's pretty unusual.

I got a call, Georgie,

and Robin has to be out by midday.

I can't believe Roger's doing this.

He's angry

and doesn't like my friends.

We're going to save your brother…

Robin…

And your house.

How?

Ma'am, don't you worry.

It's got to win, Jez.

Yeah. I got it.

What makes a horse win?

Speed?

What else?

Fitness.

Yeah. What else?

Oh. Balance.

Yeah. What else?

Fancying the horse in front.

Ha ha!

What else?

Come on, Jez.

A light jockey.

The next race on your cards,

ladies and gentlemen, is the feature race of the day:

The 57th running

of the group-one K.P.M.G. Challenge Cup.

And the highlights of the race now…

OK, the more you turn this,

the stronger the magnetic field will pull you down.

Down. Down.

Jez, you want to get that sleeve?

OK. Thank you.

Afternoon, panties.

Afternoon, sir.

Right.

Too many big lunches, eh? Heh heh heh heh heh.

Yes, you can, uh, you can take 4 pounds off.

Thank you. Certainly.

Next, please.

All the runners are down at the start now.

They're going behind for the big race of the afternoon,

and it won't be long before they're underway.

In the betting ring, Old Whiskey is favored at 6 to 4.

Wackerjack is a 3-to-1 shot.

Louie's Boy has gone out a point.

Here we are.

Look who's here.

Good luck, you old filly.

…To 16-1 from 12.

Loading's going fairly smoothly.

Most of the runners in stall.

Last one's coming forward. They're all in.

It's over to Peter O'Sullevan.

They're under starter's orders, and they're off!

And in the 57th running of the K.P.M.G. Challenge Cup,

Mr. Henry's gone out very quickly,

followed by Wackerjack and Tender Moments.

Back behind the leaders is the favorite Old Whiskey,

who looks ready for anything.

Then comes King's Will and Canjalopie.

They've traveled about a furlong,

and it's Mr. Henry making the running from Louie's Boy

then Wackerjack, Tender Moments,

on the outside of Vacuum Pack,

running a very strong race at this stage.

So it's Louie's Boy and Mr. Henry,

Tender Moments behind these 2,

then the gray Vacuum Pack.

Vacuum Pack's an old puffer.

I can't bloody believe this.

Nothing to choose between the leaders.

You told me to sell him!

…Louie's Boy battle it out,

but Vacuum Pack is threatening them both,

and he's started…

Come on, baby!

Whoo!

…and Vacuum Pack, the 16-to-1 shot

is moving very easily

and comes within a length of the lead.

But coming up very fast is the favorite Old Whiskey,

who looks full of running.

And now, Vacuum…

Shit. Come on, Vacuum.

Old Whiskey is coming up very fast, indeed…

Come on!

It's Vacuum Pack still from Old Whiskey,

and now Old Whiskey has taken it up.

Please, do it.

And helium.

Old Whiskey from Vacuum Pack.

He looks like the favorite,

but Vacuum Pack's coming back to the leader.

Vacuum Pack… Well, it's amazing!

Vacuum Pack's found something extra.

I don't know what he's packing in his Vacuum,

but he's certainly got the wind in his sails now.

As we head for the line, Vacuum Pack, Old Whiskey.

There's nothing to choose between them.

Vacuum Pack, Old Whiskey.

And as they come to the line,

Vacuum Pack gets there for the…

Whoo!

What a performance by the gray Vacuum Pack.

Let's get some champagne.

Oh, don't start.

Ohh!

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

your applause, please,

for the winner of the 57th K.P.M.G. Challenge Cup,

Vacuum Pack, and a warm hand, please,

for the winning jockey, Bobby Panfield.

We'll pay a stud fee of 150,000 guineas.

I know Vacuum's a recent purchase.

I'm sure we can pay you

more than you laid out.

I want that horse. Name your price.

Thank you, ladies, gentlemen.

Roger, any offers?

All right. I'll, uh…

I'll give you the house back.

I'll top that.

Whatever he offers, I'll better.

And, um, and 100,000.

3.

500,000.

OK.

Oh, and the rolls.

I just need you to sign, uh…

Here.

500…

I knew if we got

the right conditions, we'd be flying.

Well done. Marvelous race, Lady Georgina.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, uh…

I forgot to mention that.

Lady Georgina?

You're not cross, are you?

No, you're pleased.

A doctor, a peer of the realm,

and with secretarial skills…

Who'd be cross?

Whoo!

"Bickworth"?!

"Bickworth"? What is this?

Oh, god, it's from Mrs. Ross.

What? I think it's a writ.

It's for Jez.

The circuit diagram you drew worked.

She wants to license the Verbitec chip.

Jez, you're a genius.

♪ Doo, doo, doo doo, ♪ ♪ doo doo, d-d-d-doo ♪

♪ Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo ♪

♪ Wah wah wah wah, ♪ ♪ wah wah, wah wah wah ♪

♪ Do you know the way ♪ ♪ to San Jose? ♪

♪ I've been away so long ♪

♪ I may go wrong ♪ ♪ and lose my way ♪

♪ do you know the way ♪

♪ to San Jose? ♪

♪ I'm going back to find ♪ ♪ some peace of mind in San Jose ♪

♪ L.A. is ♪ ♪ a great big freeway ♪

♪ Put a 100 down and buy a car ♪

♪ In a week, maybe 2, ♪ ♪ they'll make you a star ♪

♪ Weeks turn into years, ♪ ♪ how quick they pass ♪

♪ And all the stars ♪ ♪ that never were ♪

♪ Are parking cars ♪ ♪ and pumping gas ♪

♪ You can really breathe ♪ ♪ in San Jose ♪

♪ They've got a lot of space ♪

♪ There'll be a place ♪ ♪ where I can stay ♪

♪ I was born and raised ♪ ♪ in San Jose ♪

♪ I'm going back to find ♪ ♪ some peace of mind in San Jose ♪

I was wondering, would you…

Perhaps you might consider…

Or… or… Or think about…

Possibly…

I think, uh, he's trying to ask

if you'd like to kiss him.

Oh, go on, then.

Has the British aristocracy lost all sense of decency?

I certainly hope so.

♪ Hey, I'm not the type ♪

♪ to say one thing ♪ ♪ and do another ♪

♪ And if it's all right ♪

♪ I'd kind of like ♪ ♪ to be your lover ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're with me ♪

♪ I can't help but be ♪

♪ So desperately ♪

♪ uncontrollably ♪

♪ happy ♪

♪ and hey, I'm not the kind ♪

♪ To fall in love ♪ ♪ without good reason ♪

♪ And if that's a crime ♪

♪ then, baby, I'm committing ♪ ♪ high treason ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're with me ♪

♪ I'm absolutely ♪

♪ and totally ♪ ♪ quite uncontrollably ♪

♪ Happy ♪

♪ and, hey, I'm not so blind ♪

♪ That I can't see ♪ ♪ where we're all going ♪

♪ And it's no fault of mine ♪

♪ If humankind ♪ ♪ reaps what it's sowing ♪

♪ Just as long ♪ ♪ as we are together forever ♪

♪ I'll never ♪ ♪ be anything other than ♪

♪ Happy! ♪

♪ Ohh! ♪

♪ Hey, don't be surprised ♪

♪ if millions ♪ ♪ die in plague and murder ♪

♪ True happiness lies ♪

♪ beyond your fries ♪ ♪ and happy burger ♪