All language subtitles for Semi Tough 1977--

score is tied, 14-14.
We're in the closing seconds.

Paul, miami came
into this ball game

knowing they'd need
a victory

to get into the play-offs
with a wild-card berth.

Here we go again.

Miami won
the last 3 games

in the last play.

They'll cause you
cardiac arrest

watching them.

They need a score
from 40 yards away.

This could go
into sudden death.

Miami will give it
their best shot right now.

They've been an unpredictable
football team,

and here they come,
out of the huddle.

Seconds
are ticking off.

Hose manning,
the quarterback,

he's calling
starting signals,

waiting for
the snap.

Handoff to
billy clyde puckett,

and here's the ball
in the air!

In the end zone
for a touchdown!

Unbelievable,
lindsey.

Billy clyde puckett

hasn't thrown
the ball that much.

He's only thrown 3 or 4
passes in 13 years.

Fans are trying to get out
of the stands and on the field!

They're breaking loose
and coming out there.

They have a conversion
attempt coming,

but they'll have trouble
getting order restored

in order to try
the extra point.

They'll never
get it off.

I think you're right.

Miami is in the play-offs
as the wild card.

They'll be playing
green bay next week.

Unreal.

Don't you think we ought
to have a little invocation,

a little prayer
to thank the lord

for getting us
into the play-offs?

Showers!
Tutti frutti coaches!

In the showers!

Hey,
all right, huh?

I thought i told you
to buy the domestic.

Yes, mr. Bookman.
That's what i did.

I changed the labels
is all.

That's good thinking,
hooper.

Anything left over,
you can keep.

Hell of a pass,
billy clyde!

I thought so.

Supposed to
run the ball.

Legs were tired.

Nice pass, b.c.

Sylvia?

Monica. Going after
the bottoms tonight.

It was a slow-motion
dream sequence.

Everything was
seml-frozen in time,

moving like
surreal dancers

in some cosmic fantasy.

It was like there was
time in that moment

to look at everything...

to look at everything...

there was time
to experience

every detail
in a tapestry.

It was-

are we going to get
laid tonight?

Probably.

That's not fair, man!

How does it feel your first
year in american football

getting into the play-offs?

Hey!

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey, homeboy!

Homeboy?

Fellas, i'm sure
you're all happy

that we made it
to the play-offs.

Don't you want
to pray with me?

You got my leg
hurting, man.

My blood's
stopped circulating!

If i don't miss my guess,
you're getting darker

every time
you catch the ball.

In fact, you look darker now
than before the game.

It's true.
I'm getting this urge

to tap-dance
and play the saxophone.

Ok, guys. I give.

You got me.
What can i say?

Come on, now.

You guys making me
mad now!

You guys making me
mad now!

There she is.

You know that somebody
gave this to me in africa?

She's jerking them
out of their shoes.

Where'd you get this?

I got this at neiman's
a couple years ago.

It cost about
$3,000.

I spend all my money
in the u.s.

You have any proof
that you took it out?

It has no label.

That's very peculiar.

Usually neiman's
has big labels there.

It must have come off
at the cleaners.

Shit-heads!

Jesus christ!

Oh!
Hi there.

Hi there.

That pisses me off!

America is the only
country in the world

that treats its citizens
like they were crooks.

They make me
so fucking mad.

You make
yourself mad.

It's got nothing
to do with them.

What is that
on your face?

It's hair. Ow!

It's real cute.

Don't you think
it's cute?

Excuse me,
bud mcnair.

I met bud
on the plane.

I offered him
a ride into town.

They're what
i told you about.

Your best friends.

Says a lot
about me.

This here's
billy clyde puckett

and shake tiller.

Pleased
to meet you.

I have to confess,
billy clyde,

i was hesitant at first.

We've never published
any sports books.

Nobel-prize winners
are more our line.

Had 6 of them,
you know.

We're an old house. You
could say distinguished.

Great-grandfather
started the firm

right after
the civil war

with the help of
oliver wendell holmes.

Who'd he
play for?

Boston.

Oh, yeah.

But barbara jane
convinced me

your book
would be different.

A look at football
no one's ever seen.

You know-the truth.

Nobody's
told the truth.

But no sensationalism.

Nothing cheap. We're not
that kind of house.

We want the real truth,
billy clyde.

Like what drugs
the players take,

how games
are really fixed,

the influence
of the mafia.

You mean the real,
real truth.

Exactly.

We know that there are
gay football players,

but who do they like
to do it with?

And are there more
homosexuals

on the offense
or defense?

Defense.
Really?

You can use your
hands on defense.

It gives you
a better chance

to grope somebody.

This is exactly what
we're looking for.

You were right about
him, barbara jane.

I know.

How about
spooks and spics?

Oh, no. No.

The reading public's
bored with that.

Orgies?

Within the bounds
of good taste.

What kind of orgies?

What kind you want?

We got your
postgame orgies,

your pregame orgies.

You mean before a game?

Sure. That's how
we get loose.

How do you think
we beat baltimore?

Nothing like an orgy
to loosen you up.

Shake there
is all orgied out.

No question.

No question.
And barbara jane,

she just loves them.

Shut up.

She never
missed one yet.

What about
your fish costume?

Ok, fellas. Ok.

I know
when i'm being put on.

I know what you think
of me-an intellectual.

I'm sure when you
divide the world up,

you put jocks
on one side

and everybody else
on the other.

But let me
tell you something.

Intellectuals are
the jocks of the mind.

The life
of the intellect

is just as tough as
the life of the body.

You have to be just
as mean with an idea

as you do
with a football.

You love football-
great.

I love words,
books, ideas.

And i know that
a well-turned phrase

is just as valuable,
just as beautiful,

and just as important

as a well-thrown
pass.

Well...

i think i owe you
an apology.

We just got off
on the wrong foot.

You are wrong about
one thing, though.

We don't love
football that much.

You don't?

We just like takin'
showers with niggers.

Would you drop him over
to the racket club?

Don't you think
he's getting better?

A year ago, he would have
insulted that man.

You won't be
in football forever.

What did you do
to him on the plane?

Join the mile-high club?

You know what you are?

You're deliberately
perverse.

Is that good?

No. Gene autry-
who listens to gene autry?

I do.

You're
also retarded.

Where's
the bearskin rug?

T.j. Lambert's got it.

He had it.

There was a stewardess
on it the other night.

He rolled her up like
a burrito and took off.

I heard he ate
the rug, too.

I guess i'm home.

Would you quit acting
like a landlady?

I am the landlady.

In the immortal words
of gene autry,

"if you don't
care to love me,

i wish you'd
leave me alone."

A-19, b.c. Puckett here.
The one and only.

Read them off,
my darling.

Barbara jean-right.

Ann laller...

is this all
you've been eating?

Mary alice...

we eat spaghetti
and stew.

I know the kind
of stew you eat.

Tasty, but not
nourishing.

Well, leave her
this message-

tell her i had a vasectomy,
and it's impossible.

back in the saddle again

you guys cleaned up
your act!

Keeping the garbage
here on the terrace

instead of
throwing it in the bay.

Hey, leave that alone.

We've got
a cleaning lady.

By the year?

Put that stuff
in my room.

I can't wait till she sees
the bathroom.

Hmm...

you took these
in africa?

Yep. That's my
african portfolio.

You can put it here
with my greek portfolio.

What kind
of tree is this?

That's not a tree.
That's a giraffe.

See?

He got behind the tree
before i focused.

I didn't know
you liked trees so much.

I don't. I just take
lousy pictures.

They're good pictures
of trees.

I wasn't taking pictures
of trees. Animals.

Well, you took
pictures of trees.

Yeah, because i'm
a lousy photographer.

No. Because you chose
to take pictures of trees.

Shake, what is
going on with you?

I'll tell you.

He's found himself.

I didn't know
he was lost.

Want to play
liar's poker for 20?

You can't afford
to lose that much.

I've been
practicing.

Oh, pair of 4s.

Three 8s.

Four 9s.

My intention wasn't
to take pictures of trees.

The reason-

reasons-bullshit.

Four 10s.

Actions what counts.

All the rest is theory time.
It's bullshit.

The only reality...

there aren't that
many zeros in two bills.

Not what you've done
or hope you'll do.

The minute you start
talking about reasons,

you start labeling,

and labels
are just screens

between you and what
you're really doing.

You understand
what he said?

You're labeling
screens.

That's not it.

Right?

You're hung-up with pictures
you wanted to take.

You're hung-up.

I understood that.

Good.
Four 10s to you.

I wanted to take
pictures of animals!

These are
great pictures.

Of trees.

Great pictures
of trees.

Stay the fuck
out of this.

Four 10s.

Five 9s.

Why can't you just
accept what you did?

I think
you're bluffing.

Five 9s
is a lot.

Don't you see?
I wanted to take pictures-

forget what
you wanted to do.

Look at what you did.

There's a million things
you didn't do.

You didn't take pictures
of studebakers.

You're not bad
at animals,

you're just good at trees.

I'll just
call your bluff.

They're not bad.
I mean, for trees.

They're beautiful.

You found yourself?
For real?

Well, what's real?

Shit.

When you play
my kind of game,

you need more than just
a few hours protection,

you need all-day protection.

That's what mitchum
brings you-

24 hours a day.

Cut!

Cut... shh.

Don't print that.

Shellac your armpits.

Lower the sheet.

Get a little more
of what they're paying for.

Down lower.

Take this off,
will you?

Farm workers
can't afford mitchum.

I'll hold it.

There you go.

He's a real bucket
of chuckles, isn't he?

You need one of
these commercials.

I wish i had one of these
when i did my commercial.

Hello. How are you?

Don't do that.

These people
have work to do.

Behave!

Do i have to stop?

What's the matter
with you?

I really am sorry.

Get out of here!

Hooper, let go
of my leg!

Let go of my leg!

Let's do it again
right away.

Let's get a rehearsal.

Hooper, why don't you get me
a commercial like that?

You're identified
with the wrong product.

He'll be all right
once they start rolling.

If you don't
fuck him up.

I'm trying to help.
I have experience.

You did one commercial,
billy clyde.

That's experience.

You call that experience?
For condoms?

It was a good product.

"Come on, boys,
stick it in.

It won't pinch.
It's paper thin."

That's exactly what
i'm talking about.

Do you understand?
Shh-shh.

It wasn't even network,
it was cable.

Narrow little minds.

They wouldn't put it
on national television.

It's not my fault.

Mitchum spot.
Take 3. mark.

All right. Relate
to the bottle.

All you care about
is fucking and football,

in that order.

Playing
my kind of game,

you need more
than a mouthwash.

You need
a prefrontal lobotomy.

You'd diddle an alligator
if somebody drained the pond.

Don't drain the pond.

I'm going to
put this here.

Relate to this one.

I know
this isn't fun.

I'm under a lot
of pressure, too.

You got your responsibility,
and i got mine.

Thanks. And act like
you smell good.

Ok, ready for rehearsal.

Fuck warm mud
if they held it.

And action!

I haven't used
a deodorant today.

I may not again
tomorrow,

because i use mitchum,
the long-lasting-

cut! Cut!

Cut! Cut!

Shake, stop it.
Stop it.

Cut it!

Mitchum.

I ain't
an old-fashioned parent.

Your mama died.
I read them books.

You've been raised
liberal, barbara jane.

So it ain't just you
gettin' married so much-

twice.

How come you
paying alimony?

I wanted out.
It seemed fair.

Comes to money,

sticking it in the other
fella's gizzard,

that's fair.

And stop living with
billy clyde and shake.

What crazy notion
took you?

We're in
the play-offs now.

We're in the spotlight
of publicity.

It don't look right,

my daughter living
with my players.

I'm not
sleeping with them.

That's what i mean.

It ain't normal.

You're a grown woman,
barbara jane.

How you think it looks-

you living with them
and not doing it?

Folks will think
you all a passel of-

i don't know-
whatever they call them.

Friends.

It's goddamn unnatural.

Alvin!

Way to go!
Way to go!

Yes, sir?

I got a new play
for you to put in.

It come to me in
the middle of the night.

A new play, sir?

Yeah.

Right now, sir?

Sure.

Think i could have
been adopted?

Maybe i was
switched in my crib

at the hospital.

You let
your hair grow.

Hmm?

You let
your hair grow.

Oh, yeah.
You did, too.

I like it.

Go for this one.

You still throw
like a girl.

You caught it.

I'm catching
almost everything now.

Oh, man.

Well,
you always did.

No. There was a time
early in the season,

i was dropping
everything.

It got real serious.
Then i went to b.e.a.t.

Went to beat who?

Bismark energy
attack training.

I read about that.

It helps you
get your head together,

teaches you to live
in the present.

Friedrich's
a hell of a teacher.

Friedrich?

Friedrich bismark,
he founded it.

He's something else.

What else?

I don't know.

It's hard to describe.

He just knows.

Knows what?

He knows.

What?

There's lots of people
getting into that stuff,

and not just
fucked-up people.

Like movie actors
and rock stars.

People like...

what's his name?
John denver,

valerie harper,
joe namath.

Makes you
feel better?

You've got gray in it.

What's that
goddamn commie

doing out of uniform?

Where do you think
you are, boy?

You think you're here
for detente?

All right, boys,
that's it!

This here is practice!

You on this team,

you practice like
every other son of a bitch.

You practice like
every other son of a bitch.

Hell of a kick.

Howdy.

Ok, where y'all want
to go feeding tonight?

How about that new
french restaurant?

I'm taking her to
a consciousness seminar.

What the hell you want
to go to that for?

I want to know
what it's about.

It's about
48 hours long.

You can't piss
for the first 12.

We do worry about
each other, billy clyde.

See you later.

You fellas mind
if i come in here?

Slide right in here,
darlin'.

Hello.
Hello. Hello.

Come here,
you little rascal.

Brought you
a little something.

I just been
waiting for you.

Excuse me.

Fasten your
seat belt, please.

Your seat belt.

You got anything
cool in there?

Are you ok?

I'll be ok.

I'm one of those
white-knuckle flyers.

I just fall apart
like a $2.00 suit.

Can i get you a drink?

Ever since my helicopter
went down in vietnam.

Your helicopter
went down?

I don't want to talk
about it, though.

I'll be all right.
I'll be ok.

Would it be all right-
i know it's an imposition-

if i went in the back
and sit with you?

Because i need
somebody to talk to.

I know you're not allowed.

I'll be fired.

Thank you very much.

This would look good

if we weren't going
somewhere cold.

I'm more nervous
than you.

Oh, boy.

905... 903.

We're right
next door, darlin'.

Sure you don't want to
bring some more luggage?

You'll be here
over 24 hours.

Why,
barbara jane bookman,

as i live and breathe.

Marvin tiller,
whatever are you doing

in this fancy hotel?

what are you doing
the rest of your life?

north and south and east
and west of your life?

i have only
one request?

I'm going to have another
drink. How about you?

I'm going to bed.

It's the shank
of the evening.

I've got a big game
to watch tomorrow.

I'll stack up
a few zs myself.

It ain't even curfew.

Captain, take care
of the ship.

Good night.

I'll get-
i'll get the check.

Billy clyde!
Billy clyde!

Come here, man.

I want you to meet

an admirer
from the gridiron.

An admirer
from the gridiron.

Billy clyde puckett,
earlene ever-ready.

Her battery
never runs out.

Earlene's looking
for some action.

She ain't findin' it here.

I thought
you football players

were supposed
to be manly.

Look at him
just sitting there.

He's big,
but he ain't manly.

Aah!

Ooh!

Don't come near me
till you brush your teeth!

Come on, kids.
How about that?

Oh, you do have
a tiny ass.

I mean,
your ass is tiny!

Did you ever see
such a tiny ass?

Tiny ass! Look!

Baby!

Oh, earlene,
you darling, you.

I really would
like to.

I really would.

I'm afraid once
you and i got started,

i'm liable
to fall in there

and be gone for days.

Ha ha ha!

Beautiful, baby!

Hey, you lost!

B. J!

Leave the key in the door
for me or the janitor?

B. J?

And why not?

Because we got
a game to play.

I know you ain't played
in the last 3 games.

They roll
the sidewalks up early.

Get up, man.

I'll sleep on the roof.

I ain't gonna
sleep here.

Come on, man.
It's getting late.

We've got a game
to play tomorrow.

You cannot
drink all night.

You cannot
drink all night.

Hi, guys.

What do you say, b. C?

Couldn't sleep.

Thought a couple
beers might help.

Come up to the room
with us and drink.

I don't want to drink
in the room.

You don't give up,
do you?

You wouldn't like me
if i did.

You wouldn't like me
if i did.

Buy you a drink?

Thanks for nothing.
I got a drink.

I'll buy you
another drink.

Can we have 2 more
of the same here?

Sure, but it's
10 minutes till closing.

The thing is,

you don't understand
about football players,

especially the night
before the big game.

I understand plenty.

See, they take it
out on everybody.

They make other people

like the opposing team,

and they're usually
a little bit scared

of the opposing team,

so they try
to make people

the opposite
of what they are.

What are you talking about?

Well, you see, the other
team's big and strong,

so we make them weak
and small in our head.

Make them the opposite
of what they are,

and then
it seems to be...

all right.

What's that
got to do-

that's what
i did with you.

I mean, you're big-
big and sexy,

sexy and big.

So what i did was

i made you
the opposite of that.

L-l-
i changed you around,

like i would
the opposing team.

Is that
what you did?

You know what?

You know what?

Big women
turn me on.

Big women
turn me on.

I mean, it isn't
just a physical thing.

I mean, big women...

have big feelings...

as opposed to
little women

who have
small feelings.

There's nothing
sexier in the world

than a woman who knows
she's a real woman.

What are you
looking for?

Nothing.

Uh,
where is your room?

At the end
of the hall.

At the end
of the hall?

Yep.

Is the whole
team there?

Oh, come on.

This is some setup.
I...

i got to go,
i think.

Ha ha!

I tell you what.

If you don't want to
do nothing, we won't, ok?

Ok.

Nobody in the bathroom.

Nobody under the bed.

No football players
anywhere.

Are you kinky?

Those ain't mine.

Those are
barbara jane's.

Uh... see, i ex...

exchanged rooms with,
uh... a friend of mine,

ok?

Come here.

You're laughing.

I ain't laughin'.
I'm smilin'.

Are you sure this isn't
some kind of a...

you know-
you're going to

go tell the guys?

I just smile all the time
when i feel good.

I'm like a cheshire cat.

When i feel good,
i just smile.

You must feel good.

Well...

uh...

don't you want to...
turn off the light?

WhyWe ain't got
nothin' to hide.

WhyWe ain't got
nothin' to hide.

Turn off the light.

are you thinking that i?

wasn't meant for you?

could it be you believe?

that i've been untrue?

well, listen,
sweetheart?

Kill him!

Break his ass!

'cause you're
the only good thing?

that's happened to me?

we have our little doubts?

like all lovers do?

but you know in your heart?

that i will get you?

so don't ever think?

of setting me free?

'cause you're
the only good thing?

that's happened to me?

that's happened to me?

be honest with me, dear?

Ok, boys!

Supper's ready!

Billy clyde, food's on!

Shake?

wherever you wander?

on land or on sea?

That doesn't look
very comfortable.

be honest with me?

my poor heart
would break, dear?

if you were untrue?

asleep or awake, dear?

i dream about you?

Christ!
Don't stop now!

Come on, buddy.
Get it while it's hot.

It is hot.

Supper's ready,
billy clyde.

You eat.
I ain't hungry.

What's the matter?
You feeling poorly?

No. I feel fine.

Now, last time
you weren't hungry

was in 10th grade
when you had measles.

No. I never felt better.

I've just got
work to do.

What kind of work?

I'm writing a book.

Are you sure
you feel all right?

I'll eat
something later.

Now, how come
you changed your mind?

You were right
about one thing.

There comes a point

when a man must think
of something

other than
fucking and football.

I don't think
you've reached that time.

Supper's cold.

He says he'll
write that book.

Terrific.

You don't
believe him.

Do you?

Do you?

How about
if i have hooper

put out
a press release?

Fine, if it
ain't embarrassin'.

I ain't no
nobel-prize winner.

You know what
we could do?

I could write
a contract

and tie advances
to games.

We'd get so much
if we beat denver,

you'd get more
for the super bowl.

That is worth
a movie sale.

You'd be seml-rich

and go on talk shows.

I ain't doin' this
for money.

I'm writing
this book from here,

where real books
come from.

Save you some supper.

Keep on dancing.

They're still paying
gene for that song.

Charlie, where
did you find this?

They're freezing
to death in the big "d."

What do you
think?

Pure dirty leg.

Lower.

What do you think,
b. J?

What do you think,
b. J?

3.
She's a head cold.

There's a 7.

The one in red?

Yeah.

She looks seml-rich.

Whoa, son!

There's some woman
might be a 9.

Where's a 9?

You're
the only 9.

81/2.

10.

Ain't no 10s.

Don't start
that shit again.

You're close, honey,
but you ain't no 10.

Damn sure am.

Ain't no 10s.

You thought
emily kirkland was one.

She and her sister
together were.

It's a question
of responsibility, roger.

If you can't
open the ballrooms

an hour before
training begins,

maybe you could
suggest someone

to assume
that responsibility.

Ok, roger?

Shake!

Friedrich.

Barbara jane bookman,
friedrich bismark.

I'll get
back to you.

Oh, it's really
nice to meet you.

Great game in green bay.
How did you do that?

Just did it.

Get that, andrew.

I've told her
about b.e.a.t.

Don't look
for any answers.

I don't know
the questions.

There aren't any.

That's why there
aren't any answers.

Wow! Look
at that turkey!

Whoo!

Aah!

What the fuck do you
think you're doing?

�que pasa?

Aah!

T.j.,
pull that girl back!

We got
a game sunday.

Hooper!

Ain't i
got a helicopter?

Right
over there.

Reel her in.

She's not a fish.
Hooper, get the mattress.

T.j. Ain't got
the christmas spirit.

Aah!

Quick! Play something!

You're not going to do
a goddamn thing?

I sent shake
up there.

No! You big turkey!

Let me down!

No! No! No!
Don't let me down!

Bring me up!

What will you do
with her?

I don't know.

You taught her
a lesson.

Why not
bring her back up?

No! No! She'll
scratch and bite me.

I won't! I won't!

Bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit.

You better
drop her, then.

Yeah?
You think so?

What do you
want to do?

I don't know.

If i drop her,

folks are going to
be mad at me.

No!

But if i pull her back,

they're going to laugh at me.

I don't like people
laughing at me, shake.

Screw them. Let's find out
what you want to do,

then do it.

Drop her?

Whatever you choose.

As long as
it's your choice,

it's going to be right
because you're perfect.

You really think
i'm perfect?

Hell, i know
you're perfect.

No matter
what i do?

No matter what.

Ha ha ha!

Come up here,
you noisy thing.

Hang on.

Ah!

Unfucking
believable.

Well, i...

i sent shake up there
to help, you know.

The way he did it,
he was so...

god, he was
so positive.

He really knew
what he was doing.

I've got to get back
to writing my book.

A writer can't be
partying around like this.

I never saw
anything like it...

a writer has to be
dedicated to his work,

write a lot.

Hey, senor!

Get through
with that shit,

and give these people
something to dance to.

Folks,
this will be a party

till the sun goes down!

That's more like it!

Shake.

That was magnificent.

Now, i really mean it.

I'd like you to consider

becoming a b.e.a.t. Trainer
for me someday...

when you're finished
with football, of course.

When you're finished
with football, of course.

Have you seen
billy clyde?

Going to the house.

Put that beard
back on.

I keep
swallowing hair.

Santa claus
wears a beard.

When he in action.

Now santa claus
eating ribs.

When he eat ribs,
he don't wear no beard.

That's what you gotta
learn about santa claus.

Excuse me.

Have you seen
billy clyde?

Try the second door
on the left, there.

Try another one.

Billy clyde,
i want to talk to you.

Didn't anyone
ever tell you

that a writer
needs privacy?

Are you writing what
just happened with t. J?

It certainly was
a colorful incident.

Is he doing it again?

No. You know,

it's not exactly
the image of the team

we'd like presented.

I'm a team man
all the way, pooper.

Positive things-that's what
people want to read about-

big ed's life,
for example.

I won't leave big ed
out of the book.

Then we don't
have to worry, do we?

There's nothing
to worry about.

I'm really glad we had
this talk. I really am.

I am, too, phillip.

I am, too, phillip.

Phillip, you know
where to find me.

Phillip, you know
where to find me.

T.j. Was holding this girl
upside down,

40 feet off the ground...

which t.j. Lambert
has a habit of doing

when young girls
take unkindly

to the seml-unmentionable things
t.j. Likes doing to them.

Shit and shove it
under the door.

It's us, billy clyde.

Damn. Good thing i'm
just writing a book.

What's wrong
with her?

She's happy.

Happy?

I've never
been happier.

Last time you never
were happier was...

fuck.

No.

Yeah.

You getting married?

Yeah.

To each other?

Yeah.

We wanted you
to be first to know.

Why?

Because we love you
more than anyone else.

But why are you
getting married?

Did she
knock you up?

We're in love,
billy clyde.

But why are you
getting married?

I don't know.

This time
it's different.

I said that
the other times, too,

but you've
got to believe me.

It's like...

i don't know
how to say it.

Ah! It's like...

it's like shake's what
i've been waiting for

all my life!

He's been there
all the time...

just like you.

We figured
we'd do it

right after
the super bowl.

We've got to beat
denver first.

I can take b.e.a.t.
Before we're married.

You only need
a blood test.

We might get friedrich
to marry us. He's ordained.

Go shit
in your hat!

Big ed's bio.
Thought it might be helpful.

I want you
to be my best man.

And give me away.

You can't do both,
can you?

Big ed can give me away.
He's used to it.

I guess we'd better
go tell him, huh?

Be happy with me,
billy clyde.

It's still one for all
and all for one, huh?

Semper fidelis.

T.j. Lambert was born...

semi...

mean.

Shit.

Ah! It's like...

it's like shake's
what i've been waiting for

all my life!

i've been thinking today?

as my thoughts
begin to stray?

of your memory,
to me worth more than gold?

as we ride?

Mr. Bookman will be
with you in a minute.

we'll be rounded up
in glory by and by?

we'll be rounded up in glory

we'll be rounded up?

by and by?

That son of a bitch calls again,
i won't talk to him.

If he don't honor the deal,
he can eat my shorts.

Goddamn country
is going to the dogs.

Used to be a handshake
was good enough.

Billy clyde, get down here
before i get a crick in my neck.

Time was,
this country was pure.

There was people
you could look up to.

Lombardi, macarthur...

j. Edgar hoover.

Gene autry.

Oh, i'm a hard man,
billy clyde,

but i hear that man sing

silver-haired daddy
of mine,

and i confess,

these old eyes
fill up and tear out.

Gold mine in the sky
does it to me.

Oh, yeah, god.

Makes you understand
what's important in life.

Billy clyde, did you
crawl when you was a kid?

I don't rightly remember,
big ed.

Well, do you remember
creeping before you walked?

Not exactly.

Well,
that's what i thought.

That's why you're gettin'
pulled down on that end sweep.

Your rear space
ain't protected.

I'm just off my feed
a little bit.

You've been that way
all week.

Before i took movagenics,

i would have figured
like you-

i was off my feed,
slowed down a tad.

I'm just as fast
as ever, big ed.

It comes back to-
you didn't crawl and creep.

You took off
and walked.

Now there's trouble
with your back space.

Big ed, if you don't
mind my asking,

what the fuck
are you doing?

It happened to me
awhile back.

I started feeling
slowed down, peaked.

Almost got hoodwinked
on a couple of big deals.

Thank god
i found movagenics.

Who?

What i'm doing
is movagenics.

The best thing
that ever happened to me.

It looks like
crawling to me.

No.

This ain't crawlin'.
This is creeping.

This is crawling.

Yeah.

Of course, i don't
do it in public.

The average run of people
wouldn't understand.

Billy clyde, you know
old h.I. Hunt hisself

creeped for 6 full years
before he died?

Big ed, i ain't
in any trouble.

You're out of line
with gravity, billy clyde.

That's your trouble.

Now, a man gets born,

the natural way is to
start crawling and creeping

as soon as he can.

He gets himself back
in line with gravity.

You get that settled,
you're ready to walk,

ready to move forward
with the safe knowledge

he's protected
on all sides,

including the backside.

You're without
that knowledge.

You're sure as shit going
through life unprotected,

unhappy, and unhelpful
to your team.

You want me to start
creeping or crawling?

You ain't got the time.
Got a big game sunday.

Nobody can creep
or crawl hisself

into line with gravity
before then.

No. We got to go on
to emergency measures.

How about humping?

You are going to
get pelfed.

Not this billy clyde
puckett.

You don't even know
what it is.

I don't like
the way it sounds.

Billy clyde,
take your pick-

you're going to get fined,
or you're going to get pelfed.

I'm going to
get pelfed.

Fuck.

You are having
trouble, no?

No.

Take off your clothes.

Ahem.

Clara pelf will tell you
if you're having trouble.

Clara pelf will tell you
if you're having trouble.

Pants,

belt, shoes.

You have
your shoes on. Shoes.

Hurry up. We have
only 30 minutes.

Leave on
the underwear.

Leave on
the underwear.

Youarehaving trouble.

Youarehaving trouble.

Lie down on the table.

On your belly.

On your belly.

You understand
pelfing, no?

Nope.

You will find out.

I'm not sure
i want to.

You're going to.

Head down.

Pelfing rebalances
the body...

ow!

By moving the tissues
around the muscles

so the muscles
are once again free.

Ow!

There's nothing wrong
with my muscles.

Your muscles
are disgusting-

big, lumpy,
typical athlete's muscles.

Phooey!

Oh!

Ow!

Now, this hurts?

Ow! Yes.

You think, "this crazy lady's
killing me," no?

Right.

Ha! Wrong. The pain
is coming from you...

ow!

Not from me.

I do only the moving.

Roll over.

Right.

Take a deep breath.

Very good.

You feel lighter

in the chest
already, no?

No.

You're
still resisting.

Relax.

Breath in...

and out.

Good.

Scream if you want.

Release the emotion.

If i scream,
will you stop?

No.

There is
no movement

without pain!

Aah! You hated
your father, no?

No!

Your mother?

Do you have
sexual problems?

No.

You're resisting.

All american men
have sexual problems.

Relax.

Open your mouth.

No.

Open your mouth!

Lift up the tongue.

Why?

You'll find out.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Very good.
Now you can get up.

Can i go home now?

No, no, no.

Oh.

Oh, my god!

Oh, no!

I remember that
from the army.

You're not going to
do that-

this is
for the nose.

For the nose?

The inside of the nose

is the reflection
of the personality. Ha ha!

Listen to me.
Listen to me.

I will do
anything you want

if you don't
do this to me.

You understand
what i'm saying?

I will do
anything you want.

But we just started.

Oh...

oh...

ow! Shit!

Getting pelfed once
ain't gonna do you any good.

You've got to go
10 times

if you want
the full benefit.

I wouldn't send hooper
to see that woman.

You'll learn
to dig it.

I found kinks
i never knew i had.

God. You get off
on anything.

Good buddy,
since you like it,

i'll give you
my last 9 treatments

as a wedding present.

I don't know. Maybe
there won't be no wedding.

What?

To tell you the truth,

i'm getting kind of worried
about barbara jane.

Wear a cup
over your jock.

Maybe she's moving too
fast for her own good.

She's only been
here 2 weeks.

You've known her
all your life.

It was different
before.

There was nothing
on the line.

I'm just not sure she
knows what she's doing.

Barbara jane's...

jeez. Barbara jane's
like a little kid.

She sees something
she wants,

whamo! She just
grabs it.

Be glad she grabbed you,
for christ's sake.

I'm glad, but
that's not the point.

Suppose she's just doing
the same thing

she did before.

I mean,
forget about me.

I'm worried
about barbara jane.

Oh.

She can be hurt.

This is the largest we have.

Goddamn!

What kind
of neck is this?

We'll special order
all the collars.

How come you couldn't
have an informal wedding?

With big ed,
you go first class.

Till contract time.

Who says clothes
don't make the man?

That's a well-dressed
phone booth.

This ain't no
usher's suit.

Sure it is, t.j.

Shit, no! You can't
bullshit this country boy.

We never wore
nothing like this

when i was ushering
at the picture show.

Goddamn!

What did you wear?
A sheet?

We can solve
your problem.

Why can't we wear
a pink one like that?

You've got
too athletic a body.

It's big,
and it's lumpy.

It's disgusting.

Are you wearing white?

Why not?

Are you sure
it's allowed?

Oh, i'm still pure,

as far as
you're concerned.

You should have seen the way
i chased after this boy.

He wouldn't even
look at me.

Oh, i looked.

Never did
anything else.

It's nice seeing a couple
that waited for each other.

I know i'm old-fashioned,

but you'll be able
to give each other more.

Now, don't you move,
darling.

I have to get more pins.

Shake is worried.

About the game?

Nope.

He's worried
that you're doing

one of your numbers
again.

He say that?

Yep.

I told him
not to worry.

How do you
know i'm not?

How do you
know you're not?

Um...
shall we play?

I got, uh,
2 deuces.

How come
we never fucked?

Didn't we?

Now, i know i have
a shaky memory,

but i don't think
i would forget that.

After the baylor game,
at the deke house.

That was cissy walford.

Are you sure
about that?

She couldn't wait
to get her pants off.

Cissy walford
never wore pants,

never wore
panties.

Then it was
belinda labada.

Belinda labada?

Lablinda lablada?

Don't you remember her?

I remember her
very well.

How could we have such fun
and not sleep together?

I guess we didn't
want to spoil the fun.

Don't peek.

Ok.

Two 9s.

Three deuces.

Three 9s.

We miss something,
billy clyde?

Like what?

Not doing it.
Did we miss out?

Missed out
on a divorce.

You wouldn't
have married me.

You never asked me.

Would you have?

Would you have?

Four 9s.

Uh...

i call.

You don't have
any 9s.

Why do i always
believe you?

if you don't like
your uncle sammy?

then go back to your home
o'er the sea?

to the land
from where you came?

whatever be its name?

but don't be
ungrateful to me?

if you don't like
your uncle sammy?

then go back to your home
o'er the sea?

to the land
from where you came?

whatever be its name?

but don't be
ungrateful to me?

if you don't like
the stars in old glory?

if you don't like
the red, white, and blue?

then don't act like
the girl in the story?

don't bite the hand
that's feeding you?

Men!

The hunt is over.

Time to piss on the fire
and call in the dogs.

We're champions
of our conference,

and because
of what you've done for me,

i'm going to do
something special for you.

First class
is open to all!

First class
is open to all.

We are first-class.

Here goes the end
of first class!

Shaker, think dreamer tatum
is as bad as they say?

I'd say worse.

Wonderful.

Well, i figure
he'll probably

take your head off
and shit in it.

I plan to spend
most of my time

tippytoing
out of bounds.

What do you say we get
a couple cheese burgers

and stick 'em
down our throat?

Sounds good.
B. J?

You two go.
I'm still full.

Watch us. It will be
like a roman spectacle.

I don't feel
like going out.

Well, shake and me
will go, then.

I'm just going
to get my wallet.

Why don't you
just go on without me?

It's ok
to be scared.

I'm not scared.
I'm just tired.

I was scared the whole
week before i went.

I'd heard all
the horror stories

about b.e.a.t.

I'm not scared.

Ok.

Ready to go,
shake-'em-up?

I just don't want
a phony, dressed up,

horse's ass wedding.

We're only doing it
for big ed

so he can show off, and
you can show off friedrich.

Getting friedrich to
marry us was your idea.

He doesn't care
where we do it.

We could be alone
on a mountain top.

Before or after
he gets crucified?

I don't mind
that kind of wedding.

Well, how about
what i feel?

It's what you feel,

and whatever you do
about it is fine.

You don't care
what i want.

That's your lookout,
not mine.

Isn't that pretty
fucking selfish?

Of course it is.

How else could
i love you?

How else could
i love you?

Oh!

I'll have
a bacon cheeseburger.

Let's all
have a cheeseburger.

Hey, b.j. Hey, honey,
wait a minute.

I can't help it

if i think you're perfect
the way you are.

I love you.

I'll go get a shirt.

I'll go get a shirt.

He really thinks
i'm perfect.

Nobody ever
thought that before.

Nobody ever
thought that before.

You don't think i'm perfect.
I'm just a 9 to you.

Yeah...

yeah...

but a perfect 9.

i'm back
in the saddle again?

out where a friend
is a friend?

where the-?

violets love dew?

angels in heaven?

know i love you?

know i love you,
dear?

know i love you?

angels in heaven?

know i love you?

How come everybody's
got pillows?

That's something i forgot
to tell you about,

but it don't matter.

I'll be right here
when you come out.

You're more nervous
than me.

I'm just happy.

I know what's waiting
for you in there.

Assholes!

Assholes!

You're all assholes!

Every one of you!

Your lives don't work!

And you're assholes

because you sit here
and pretend they do.

Well, this weekend
we're going to show you

how that shit has gotten you
exactly nowhere.

For the next 48 hours,

you're going to come
face-to-face

with your only problem-
yourself.

If you think that problem's
going to disappear,

well, then you're bigger
assholes than i think you are.

What will disappear

is your belief
in yourself as a problem

because believing,
and get this people-

get this!

Believing is shit!

Believing is shit!

Being is where it's at.

It's what this weekend
is all about,

finding out
that you're where it's at.

You. Nobody else.

Finding out that what you are,
all you assholes...

finding out that what you are,
all you assholes...

is perfect.

We gave you a list of rules

when we took your money
this morning.

Any of you assholes
have any questions?

Wait for the microphone.

Why can't we go
to the bathroom?

Because you can't.

Why?

It's a rule.

Why is it a rule?
Because it works.

Why can't we talk
to friends?

They're part
of your asshole life

that comes between you

and what you
have to get rid of.

Any more questions?

What i want from you today
are your soles...

soles of your feet.

You can be wide-awake
or fast asleep.

If you stay in this room,
you'll get the training.

You'll get it.

What's "it"?

What you get.

How will i know?

You'll know.

Suppose i know
i haven't.

That's how
you know you have.

That's how
you know you have.

Now, you're going
to meet someone here,

someone you've never
met before-

yourself,

but before we do that,

i want you to meet
the others here.

Really meet them.

Not the way you meet people
outside, like this.

Tom.

Fred.

How's the wife
and kids?

Fine.

Good to see you.

Now let's see

what happens
when 2 people really meet.

Tom.

Fred.

You seeTom is now
meeting a person.

Get it?

Now, what i want you to do
is get up, walk around,

meet everyone else.

Don't say anything.

Just meet them and
experience them as a person.

No talking!

You assholes, follow the rules!
And no smiling!

You assholes, follow the rules!
And no smiling!

No talking.

Experience the person.
Meet them.

Experience the person.
Meet them.

Billy.

Don't say a word.

Just experience me.

Are you getting it?

Are you getting it?

He had no right
firing me.

You wanted
to lose the job.

Bullshit! Don't pin it
on your boss.

You got yourself
fired, asshole.

How?

You choose what you get.
When will you learn that?

If it happened,
you chose it!

When will we
get a break?

When you get it.

You're a fascist!
That's what you are!

Your name
isn't even friedrich!

It's irving!

Thank you.
I acknowledge that.

Rose.

Rose.

I want to share something.

I just peed
in my pants...

and it feels good!

It does. Thank you.

Now we're going
to do something else.

Just relax.
Close your eyes.

Keep them closed,

and just...

re... lax.

Terrific.

I want you to think

of the very first time
you were ever happy.

Of the very first time
you were ever happy.

Very first time.

Now think of the very first time
you ever had ice cream.

Mmm...

terrific.

Experience it!
Stay in your space!

Go with it!

Just let it go!

That's it. That's it.
Let it go.

Go with it.
Experience it.

Oh...

i hate my mother.

Rrr!

L-i hate my father!

L-i hate my father!

Experience it.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah...

yee-ah!

That's it.
That's it.

Let it go.

Go with it.
Experience it.

Oh, it was
just so marvelous!

Ha ha ha!

Hi.

Oh.

Oh...

don't worry
about it.

Sometimes
it takes awhile

to understand
what you got.

Shake, i don't know
how to tell you this.

Nothing like this
has happened.

You took
the training?

Yes, i did.

Why didn't you
tell me?

I was trying
to put something over on you.

But something happened
to me in there.

I was fighting it,
laughing at it, and then...

it's difficult
to say what happened.

You son of a bitch,
you got it.

Yes, i did.
I got it.

You get it, b. J?

Well, you were there,
where it's at,

so if you didn't get it,
you got it.

So if you didn't get it,
you got it.

I want to go home.

Sure.

We're delighted to have
the team captains-

dreamer tatum of dallas
and miami's billy clyde puckett.

What contrasting teams
they are.

Dallas-the most powerful team
for the past decade.

Miaml-a team
of wild spirits

known for off-field activities
as well as on.

We're lucky to have the man
who personifies that team,

the irrepressible, never
dull, billy clyde puckett.

Billy clyde,
how are you?

Fine, dick, thank you.
I do acknowledge that,

but that was the way
i was at one time,

but the miami team,
and myself being captain,

we have changed
considerably

since we got
into the super bowl.

As a matter of fact,

the boys aren't out
diddling around.

They're very serious about
this game, and i'm reading.

What are you reading?

Uh, walden.
I'm readingwalden.

Bill walton?

No. Thoreau'swalden.

You see, i march
to a different drummer now.

Obviously, he's taking
the game very seriously.

What do you think
of billy clyde

as a football player,
dreamer?

As a football
player,

i think
billy clyde

is a credit
to his team.

He's the best
running back

in his conference,

and i hope to
slow him on sunday.

I'd like
to thank you for that.

Thank me
on sunday, billy.

I'm afraid i will.

I would like to say
that he is the finest

defensive halfback
in his league.

You both have great respect
for each other.

Lot of respect.
Lot of respect.

Dreamer, who do you
think will win?

I believe we're going
to win on sunday.

I'll be kind to him,
but we'll win.

Billy clyde, what do
you believe?

You don't change beliefs,
you change believers.

Haven't i heard
that before?

Friedrich bismark
said that.

Man,
you into b.e.a. T?

Yes, i am.
I'm into b.e.a.t.

I just got into it, and
i'm taking it quite seriously.

B.e.a.t. Is sensory
deprivation jive

laid on with zen
and shook up.

B.e.a.t. Is out. Pyramid
power is what's in, man.

What's pyramid power?

It's based
on the design

of the great pyramid
of cheops in egypt.

Man, it's an energy source
you cannot believe.

You expect to win
with b.e.a. T?

I never heard
of pyramid power,

but i'd like to hear more.

There's all kinds of
books on the subject.

Is that what
you're wearing?

That's it.

The land
of cheops, man.

Settle this sunday
on the football field.

This is a very unusual game.

One of the many
unusual features

is the miami team
is owned by a texan

and the team
from dallas

is owned by a father and son
from newark, new jersey.

Let's say hello to
the owners of these teams.

Congratulations on getting
to the super bowl.

Congratulations.

Tell me about that.

The next time you're
laying some chick,

place the thing
under the bed.

Is that for true?

You'll never
have energy like that.

What do you think,
billy clyde, huh?

You did a nice job, t.j.,
except you misspelled it.

S-u-c-k-s-sucks.

You come over here,
billy clyde.

I spent all afternoon

looking in our apartment
for thatwaldenbook.

It's in my locker room
with my other books.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm acting
like a lunatic.

Yeah. A little bit,

but everybody does
now and then.

I really tried
so hard to get it.

Maybe that's
why i didn't,

but friedrich said
if you stay in that room,

you're going
to get it.

I think you should
look at the bright side.

We're going to win
the super bowl.

You're marrying the guy

you've been waiting for
all your life.

Yeah.

He makes me
feel guilty.

Who doesShake?

I've never felt guilty
before about anything.

I've certainly felt
lousy and ashamed,

and i wished i hadn't
done what i did.

You shouldn't
put it off on him.

He keeps telling me,
"don't feel guilty."

Tell him not
to bring it up.

He doesn't have to
put it into words.

He makes me feel it,
but you don't.

Different jokes
for different folks.

How did you get it,
billy clyde?

It's almost impossible

to relate
to someone else.

It's impossible
to tell anybody,

even for a writer
like myself.

Now you'll never
think i'm perfect.

Wait a minute. Friedrich
says that being perfect

is when you are
what you are.

If you aren't,
then you aren't.

And b.j.,
you are what you are,

so therefore
you are perfect.

Oh, billy clyde.

Oh, billy clyde.

What am i going to do
without you?

Am i going somewhere?

No. It won't be the
same without old 22.

Oh, you mean
you getting married.

You do that
all the time, b.j.

You know it's different
with shake.

It won't be the same.

Nothing stays the same.

Friedrich
say that, too?

No...

b.c. Puckett said that.

You seem different
since you got it.

Different how?

I don't know. Just...

different.

Prettier?

Just different.

You'll find tax exemption
makes all the difference.

We're building this condominium
around palm beach.

Wouldn't be possible
without the tax break.

I wouldn't worry
about it if i was you.

What?

Not everybody gets it.

She's just trying
too hard.

Woo-woo.

Choo-choo-choo-choo.

What you doing, man?

I'm a train.

No. You ain't a train.
You're carrying a train.

Get it right.

Um, i can give
the benediction here,

then bismark will perform
the actual ceremony.

Oh, yes, well, now,

here i'll say
something about god.

That's fred's idea.

I think
it's a good idea.

And i'll say
something like,

if god told you
what you should do,

you'd be happy
to do that,

no matter
what it was,

and since this is
what god wants,

then you're very,
very happy.

Then they'll kneel.

No, they won't
kneel down.

Mr. Bookman,
you can sit down,

and barbara jane,
come up here

on the platform.

Gentlemen,
a word with you?

Remember, you'll seat

the guests of the bride
on the left,

the groom on the right.

How do we tell
which from which?

You ask them.

Supposing they lie?

Now, i think
it would be nice, shake,