All language subtitles for Outmatched.S01E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

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Mom, I need
to tell you something.

Is it that we're in the sixth
phase of mass extinction?

Because you've got to stop
telling people that.

We are running out
of babysitters.

No, it's that Dad said
not to use the sink.

Was your snarky retort worth it?

[scoffs]

Um, Kay? Oh, hey, buddy.

There's a plastic lady
private part in our microwave.

What?

Plastic V.

In the micro-dubs.

Okay, this is not a micro-dubs.

This is Brian's 3-D printer.

Why would we have a microwave
in the living room?

Why do our kids face magnetic
north when they sneeze?

I don't understand most
of what goes on in this house.

-Just take a look.
-Okay.

You are crazy.

There is no way there's an--

Oh, my God, you're right.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

You don't think Brian
is using that to...

you know?

He's definitely using that to...

you know.

And probably while
facing magnetic north.

Okay, well, Marc
and Leila might find it, so

-you can't just leave it here.
-What, me? No, what?

You know better than anyone
I don't know

what to do with one of these.

-Oh. Oh.
-Excuse me,

what are you two do...?

Where did you get that?

[stammers]
It's not mine.

I three-dimensionally
printed it for a friend.

Sweetie, it's okay.

You don't have
to be embarrassed.

I-I'm not,
but before you judge me,

you have to picture it
attached to someone.

You're attaching this
to someone?

I know this is hard
to think about.

But one day, I might have
to attach it to one of you.

Wait, wait, what is this thing?

It's a polycarbonate tricuspid
arterial prosthesis.

A plastic heart valve.

Of course it is!

It's just a standard,

run-of-the-mill,
non-sexual heart thing.

Ha-ha!

Aw, my sweet, innocent boy.

See, Mike?

He's a good boy.

It's actually just
a rough prototype.

It's not my best work but...

Wait.

What'd you guys think this was?

A poorly constructed
heart thing.

We are very disappointed
in you, young man!

♪

Whew!

That was a close one.

I mean, I know Brian
told us what it really was,

but I am going
to be having nightmares

about that first thing.

You know what made it
even worse?

It made me realize
we have no idea

what Brian knows about sex.

I mean, did you ever
have the talk with him?

I took him to a lake once.

So, that's a no?

Yeah, that's a no.

But giving him information
is terrifying.

Did you ever have
the talk with Nicole?

No, she is way scarier
than Brian.

But-but we can't
avoid this anymore.

Hey, hey, hey.

We can avoid anything
we don't set our minds to.

No, this is what
parents do, Mike.

They have awkward conversationsabout sex that their kids hate.

But our parents didn't talk tous and we turned out just fine.

We got pregnant at 19!

You told me weed
was "nature's condoms."

You told me that.

But, look, sex is
one of the few things

we actually can
teach them about.

We are great at it.

Especially you.

You could teach
a class at Harvard.

[laughs]

Well, I... I don't know
about Harvard, but...

You're right, it was the only
college I could think of.

But we have to get
in front of this

before they get all genius-y andobsessive about it on their own.

Yeah, you are
absolutely right, Kay.

We got to try to keep
these kids on a normal track.

We'll keep it simple!

Same rules as when
we get pulled over.

Stick to the facts and say
no more than you have to.

Yeah.

Except in this case, I can't cry

and you can't flash them
to get out of it.

All right, for Brian and Nicole,we're gonna focus

on being responsible;
and Marc and Leila,

just stick to the basics.

Oh, you're putting out
the fancy chips?

I mean, are we gonna do this
or are we gonna do this?

[clears throat]

Brian, come on in.

Fancy chips?

This is a trap.

-No.
-No! No.

We just have somethingimportant to talk to you about.

We are going to talk
to you about sex.

Fine, what do you want to know?

It's all hormones.

Oxytocin, specifically.

The body produces it
when you kiss.

And also, when you breastfeed.

So, really, kissing is just

breastfeeding
from each other's mouths.

Gauguin, Oscar Wilde...

Sex is about power.

It's a game.

And like in any game,
there's a winner.

And a loser.

Wait, why was she looking at mewhen she said loser?

Manet...

Edgar Allan Poe...

all died of syphilis.

[sighs]

Even conception is war.

A mass genocide where a single
sperm goes racing to glory,

while half a billion
of his faceless brethren

go screaming to their deaths.

Where's their parade?

They scream?

In a million years,humans will reproduce asexually

and penises will be
mostly decorative.

So, does that all make sense?

Yes, when a mommy and a daddy
love each other very much,

two storks make a babyand then mail it to their house.

-Nailed it!
-We love you so much!

That was awkward, but we did it.

Still can't believe we made it

through the condom
demonstration.

You're actually going
to eat that now?

[mouth full]:
What?

It's back to being
a banana again.

You know, I am proud of us.

We were informative,

patient... mature.

So, what do you think
we should do now, Professor?

Hmm, shall we practice
what we preached?

So, according to Brian,
that's the same thing...

As breastfeeding, yeah.

Why don't we skip this part?

-Yeah.
-Um...

[grunts]

Are you... trying to win?

No!

I'm just trying not to lose.

Let's try this, here.
Go like this.

-What?
-This way.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-All right.

Uh, yeah...

[clears throat]

This is hot.

Yeah.

What are you thinking?

I'm picturing Edgar Allan Poegetting syphilis from a banana.

I'm stressed about
all the traffic

caused by the sperm parade.

[sighs]

So, I guess we'll just
call it a tie then?

Excuse me, littles?

Senior staff needs the room.

I assume this is regarding
Mom and Dad's talk?

Yes!

How mortifying was that?

For them.

Of course, for them.

As if they could teach us
anything about sex.

I know more about sex
by 9:00 a.m.

than most people know
their whole lives.

Why are they even wasting our
time with these hypotheticals?

I know.

Unless... they're not supposed
to be hypotheticals.

And they actually think
we're close to having sex.

[scoffs] Then they're even
dumber than I thought.

Let me ask you something.

How far have you gotten,
like, in bases?

What are the bases?

First base is kissing...

Then none.

None base.

Hey, me, too!

But now, I'm worried.

Are other kids our age
kissing and having sex?

Are we behind?

I think we are.

This is unacceptable.

I've never been behind
in anything in my life.

Yes, you have.

To me.

Is this what being you
feels like?

No.

I can't have this.

We need to have our first kiss.

With each other?

No! No, you weirdo!

-With someone else!
-[both exclaim]

Okay, try it now.

Nothing.

Nothing? [groans]

You know, I see
what the problem is here.

I'm not a plumber.

You know what it is?

I took it for granted.

And now that it's gone,

I realize how much I miss it.

Man, you really love that sink.

Kay and I are having sex issues.

Okay. I'm not a quitter.

-I'm gonna give it one more try.-Whoa...

We, uh, we had the talk.

-You know, with the kids?
-Oh.

And, uh, they've totally
gotten in our heads.

They-They've ruined
our sex life.

Well, sure, that's what kids do.

They ruin all
the things you love.

Your couch, your sleep,

your collection
of glass penguins.

I told you, you got
to keep them up high.

Then how's anyone
gonna see them, Mike?

How long has it been?

Well, we had the talk
three days ago.

-Mm-hmm.
-But...

now that I think about it,

we haven't had sex in...

Okay, if you go to your second
hand, I might need to tap out.

Oh, my God, it's been...

Eight freakin' weeks?

Uh, let's just say two months.

It sounds less sad.

Come on, you're supposed

to be making me feel better.

Better? You don't need
to feel better.

You need to have sex.

So, look, is this the longest
you've ever gone?

I don't know.

I've never really
thought about it.

But now that I am
thinking about it,

it's all I can think about.

So, girl, what you gonna do?

I don't know what
we're gonna do.

You think "talk about it with
Irwin" was my first choice?

Okay, you and Kay just got
to mix it up a bit.

You know, like, surprise her.

Like a little, um... boo!

Oh, geez!

-See?
-Whew!

Oh.

Yeah, my heart is racing.
[laughs]

Yeah.

That works for you guys?

Honestly, bro, I can't evenremember half the stuff we try.

Like, we started
doing this thing

where we take sleeping pills,

and then we do crazy stuff
to each other.

And the next morning,
that bedroom is wrecked!

So, I started doing
this thing, right,

where I give Irwin
sleeping pills.

He passes out, I trash the room.

Next day, he thinks
we had a wild night,

and I got my eight hours.

So, you have so much sex,

you have to drug
your husband for a break.

How does that help me?

[sighs] All right.

What about role-playing?

Me and Irwin do that.

Last week, I was a teacher

who had an affair
with a student.

And he was
my state-appointed attorney.

And we both knew I was guilty.

So, after starting with

118 suitable
first-kiss candidates...

I've narrowed it down
to these three options.

I've based my rankings
on a proprietary algorithm

that factors criteria
like reputation,

reliability
and quality of character.

I like the one in the middle.

[laughs]:
Oh, me, too!

He's so cute, right?

How's the first kiss search
going?

Mm, making progress.
What about you?

I'd say... pretty good.

What is that?

It's a 3-D-printed,
polycarbonate half-face.

The future of first base.

It's creepy.

It's smart.
Before I kiss someone,

I need to be good at it, soI'm gonna use this to practice.

Malcolm Gladwell says
you have to do something

for 10,000 hours
to be an expert,

so watch out, ladies of 2029.

When I run for office,

you're just gonna go away,
right?

Quip all you want, old mare.

While your kissing is still
in beta,

mine will be ready to launch.

Come on.
I'll show you my room.

Lucky Brian.

He's gonna live at home forever.

[singsongy]:
Oh, Mike?

Mike?

-Mike?!
-Boo.

-[shrieks]
-Ooh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

-What was that?
-Irwin said...

[wheezes]
...surprise you.

[wheezes] Is it...
[wheezes] sexy?

-Uh, no.
-[clears throat]

[panting]

What-what are you wearing?

Oh.

I dressed up as that superhero
you think is hot--

the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

No, no, no, that...
It's Captain Marvel.

Mrs. Maisel could never
defeat Thanos.

[Kay scoffs, sighs]

So I guess
you did the math today, too?

No, I went to the Halloween shopin February

because I'm feeling great
about our sex life.

What happened?

We never used to have
to try like this.

The moment would just hit us.

It wouldn't matter where
we were or what we were doing.

Or what denomination
the church was.

-It was just spontaneous.
-Yeah.

And now we're trying
to plan spontaneous.

All those times
other couples complained

about their sex lives, we were
like, "Sucks to be them."

Now we're the them
it sucks to be.

Well, I guess Brian was right.

Your penis has become
mostly decorative.

We are right on schedule, Leils.

As soon as that guy
and his mouth shows up,

I'll suggest we skip tutoring
and take a walk.

Then, after two-thirds
of a mile,

I'll take out my hair tie
and do one of these.

A single strand of hair
will fall in my face.

That's when he'll reach out
with his hand,

tuck the hair behind my ear,
lean in and...

Checkmate, another
rite of passage in the books.

Like a fairy tale.

I've made sure
everything is perfect.

How do you make sure
a kiss is perfect?

Well, you, uh...

Huh?

What if it's bad?

It won't be.
I excel at everything.

Except, I've never
done this before, so I suppose

there is a non-zero chance
that I might be bad.

But who cares?
It's not a big deal.

It's just a really cute guy

on his way to my house
right now to kiss me.

And did you know
he plays guitar?

I mean, he only knows
that one Ed Sheeran song.

But maybe it's because
he's too busy

kissing other girls
to learn another one.

And what if he kisses me
and I'm the worst?

Or maybe it'll be good.

[Nicole sighs]

Hey, babe.

What are you doing?

Baking bread.

Yeah, I bake bread now. Mm-hmm.

I was thinking,
instead of stressing at night

about if we're gonna do it,
or why we're not doing it,

or can we get it done
before they unmask the singer,

I am going to channel
that energy into bread.

I love that. I love it!

No one is ever mad
when bread shows up.

I had the same thought,
except I am going to try

every single type of soda.

Domestic, small batch,
international.

We are in the middle
of a soda-sance

-and almost missed it.
-Yeah.

Time to pop the top
on a new chapter of life.

Croatian soda.

This shouldn't exist.

Hey, honey. Want to come in
and help your mom bake bread

for the rest of her life?

You know what? Sure.

Really?

Awesome.

Pull up some dough.

So... can I ask you something?

This is your first time
doing this, right?

Oh, God, yeah.

And since
this is your first time,

it's okay
if it's not perfect, right?

It would even be understandableif it were bad.

Hmm. I used to think that.

But now I realize

it's important
it's good in the beginning,

'cause before you know it,
it all fades away,

and all you have left isthe memory of when it was good.

So, if this bread
doesn't turn out great,

I don't know what the point
of everything after it is.

-I need your mouth.
-What?

The half-face.

I need to practice.

I'm on the precipice of a majordevelopmental milestone.

I'm not kissing the same
thermoplastic half-face

as my sister.

That's weird.

Okay, you're weird,
and that thing can do better.

Now where's the face?
In your room?

-Yes.
-Give it to me!

No, I love her.I mean, I mean, she's expensive!

Hey, guys, what is going on?

Some of us are trying

to drink the root beers
of Russia down here.

She's trying to kidnap my mouth!

-Give it!
-No!

Why do I ever leave
the basement?

Keep back, or I'll shoot!

Okay. Okay.

-What is happening here?
-I don't know,

but if they screw
with my egg bread,

I will burn this house down.

Brian's been making out
with a weird plastic mouth.

She has more class
in her half-face

than you have
in your whole body.

Give it to me!

-Oh! Turn it off!
-Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-It won't turn off!
-No, no, no, no!

Oh, okay. Hold on.

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

-You got it? [groans]
-Got it.

[both panting]

I think
the sink might be broken?

[both laugh]

Oh.

[exhales]

-I hate soda.
-I am done with bread.

Well, hello there, Mr. Harvard.

Oh, actually, it's Dr. Harvard.

Dr. Harvard J. Yale.

Why are you two happy?

Because...

the sink is working again.

Ay-oh!

Yeah, and we just accepted

that sometimes
the sink's gonna work a lot,

sometimes not at all.

You know, the problem wasn't
even the broken sink.

-It was all of the analyzing
and overthinking.
-Yeah.

By the way, if there was anyone

I could share
a sinkless forever with,

-it's you.
-Aw.

I don't understand.

They just storked.

[Mike clears throat]

So, you guys want to tell us
what that was all about?

Uh, we panicked.
Your talk freaked us out

and made us think we should becloser than we are to doing it.

I couldn't even kiss
the half-face.

I've been wooing it
for two days.

I guess we did throw a lot
of stuff at you.

We thought you were ready, butthe most important thing to know

is that it's okay
to not be ready.

And when you are, you'll know.

-[doorbell rings]
-Oh, that's my kiss.

-I don't think I'm...
-I'll take care of it.

Sorry. Nicole's not coming.

But there's someone else
you should meet.

Treat her right.
I just want her to be happy.

[voice breaking]:
That's why I printed her

with a smile.

[door closes]

Hey, buddy.

We're returning
that 3-D printer.

Okay.

Can we have a movie night?

-[gasps] Absolutely we can!
-Yeah.

-Great idea. What's up?
-Yes. Oop. Yup.

-[clears throat]
-Oop, oop.
-What should we watch?

Oh, Marc DVR'd a documentary
that explores the multitude

of possible gradations present
in an achromatic color.

-Sounds thrilling.
-Yeah.

It's called
Fifty Shades of Grey.

-No. No, no. No.
-No!

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.

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