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1
00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:03,237
ANNOUNCER:
These parents are Outmatched.
2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:05,406
How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?
3
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,807
ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.
4
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,143
And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.
5
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,744
-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.
6
00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:17,751
(quietly): I can't believe he's
still in there getting tested.
7
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,220
It's gonna be fine.
8
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:22,090
He's a regular kid--
he's just a little weird.
9
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,657
-I'm not worried.
-Really?
10
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,526
Because it seems like
you're nervously fixing
11
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,061
a perfectly good cabinet door.
12
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,896
It is not perfectly good.
13
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:32,133
It has actually been broken...
since I nervously ripped it off.
14
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,936
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett,
I have great news.
15
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,671
Marc's IQ is off the charts.
16
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,939
He's gifted.
17
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:42,042
-No!
-Damn it to hell!
18
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,878
I'm sorry, but did you hear
what I just said?
19
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,714
Your son is a prodigy.
20
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,082
This is wonderful.
21
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:50,351
We know the drill.
We've already been through this.
22
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,052
Twice.
23
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:54,122
(speaking French)
24
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,056
-English.
-Please tell your son
25
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:58,259
you promised me the dining room
for my hyper-polyglot meeting,
26
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:01,195
not for his juvenile
food nonsense.
27
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,431
Molecular gastronomy
is not juvenile.
28
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,366
It's science you can eat.
29
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:08,536
The smoke in this jar is
a whole Thanksgiving dinner.
30
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,903
No one cares!
31
00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:11,872
You can taste the yams.
32
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,542
See? This is every day.
33
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,210
Well, most people would see
34
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,212
three gifted children
as a blessing.
35
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,748
Yeah, yeah. yeah. Blessed
with private school tuition,
36
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,483
grant application fees,
37
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:25,486
hazardous waste removal.
38
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,221
Do you know
what it's like to wake up
39
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,622
in the middle of the night
and see your child
40
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,291
drawing your blood
for a medical experiment?
41
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:31,792
(whispers):
'Cause I do.
42
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:35,329
Mother to future mother:
43
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,966
you better hope that one
turns out more like this one.
44
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,269
Noses are like mouths...
45
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:44,004
that eat smells.
46
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,506
(Mike and Kay chuckle)
47
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,341
She's our star.
48
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,510
Okay. Well,
you should also know,
49
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:53,414
Marc actually had the highest
score that I ever tested.
50
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:56,049
I see what's going on here.
51
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,353
How much is it gonna take
to make this go away?
52
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,323
Honey, honey, honey. Honey.
53
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,358
It's too late.
He's one of them now.
54
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:10,063
I will see myself out.
55
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,535
I guess this means I'm gifted.
56
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,405
(Kay sighs)
57
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,378
It's okay, buddy.
58
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,480
We still love you.
59
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:31,419
*
60
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:41,562
Know what it means now that
Marc's officially gifted?
61
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,831
We can no longer live in denial.
62
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,401
The schools are so cheap
in denial.
63
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:50,838
No. We're gonna have to pony up
for private school.
64
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,974
Or we keep him in public,
bump him up to 12th grade.
65
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,210
It'll give us another year
to save up.
66
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:58,479
I mean, sure,
he'll be a small senior...
67
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,814
But that just means the lockers
he gets stuffed into
68
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,583
will be extra roomy.
69
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:05,719
Maybe we can tuck him in under
the sink tonight to practice.
70
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:12,260
Ah, yeah, we can't do any
of that, 'cause we love him.
71
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:15,329
And we don't want a true crime
podcast made about us.
72
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,398
-Hey, Daddy.
-Oh, God.
73
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,733
You look handsome. What are you
doing at work today?
74
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,936
Building a window seat
for the Jasters' bedroom. Why?
75
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,273
I'm just interested in you.
76
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,508
But now that we're
asking questions,
77
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,443
when the tester said that
Marc's FISC score
78
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,844
was the highest
she's ever tested,
79
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,447
that's only because
she didn't test me.
80
00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:34,848
Right?
81
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:37,385
Uh-uh, no.
I-I am not playing this game.
82
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,186
We don't tell any of you
your IQs.
83
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,390
It's okay. I already know my
score was higher than Brian's.
84
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:45,793
Oh, God, I know you're trying
to trick me,
85
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,595
but I don't know how. Kay?
86
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:51,064
Kay! She wants to know
their FISC scores.
87
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:52,766
No chance.
There's already enough ego
88
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,568
and competition in this house.
89
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,905
Thanks a lot, Mike!
90
00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:00,207
It's not even 8:00 a.m.,
91
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,142
and we've already been assaulted
92
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:04,378
and lost our dining room
to a science experiment.
93
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,747
This does not bode well.
94
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,116
Right.
95
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,984
-Because "bode" means...
-Look good.
96
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,386
-It doesn't look good.
-I know what it means.
97
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,587
-I know the word.
-You do not! You don't know
98
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,088
-what it means.
-It's one of my favorite words.
99
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,992
-Mommy, I have a question.
-Yeah, honey?
100
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:22,262
If Brian's a genius,
and Nicole's a genius,
101
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:25,666
and now Marc's a genius,
am I a genius?
102
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:31,639
Well, you have a lot
of good qualities,
103
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,842
but, um, do you want
to be a genius?
104
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,478
No.
105
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,380
I want to be a waffle.
106
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:41,782
You'd be delicious.
107
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,418
Hey, buddy.
108
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,819
What are you doing with that?
109
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,522
I'm developing an opera
about Sacco and Vanzetti,
110
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:52,192
two Italian anarchists in 1921
who were put to death.
111
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,194
Neato.
112
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,030
-Basement?
-Basement.
113
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:02,470
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's sad.
114
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,972
I don't feel like I can relate
to our kids at all.
115
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,474
-I know. They're so weird.
-Yeah.
116
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,642
And they're only
getting weirder.
117
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:10,177
I mean, where does it end?
118
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,846
Today it's opera,
next it could be...
119
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,448
I don't know what's worse
than opera,
120
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:15,816
but I'm worried our three kids
will invent it,
121
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,150
and we'll have to go to it.
122
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,286
And they've taken over
the whole house.
123
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,021
I mean, th-this is all
that we have left.
124
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:24,792
Our monument to simpler,
dumber times.
125
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,694
Remember when I reeled
that guy in
126
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,095
at Spencer's Gifts?
127
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:33,534
I used to think this basement
is where our kids would
128
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,102
sneak down to smoke pot.
129
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,672
And now we do.
130
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:45,479
Maybe we just
did everything wrong.
131
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,315
No, the problem is
we did everything right.
132
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,918
We nurtured their gifts
133
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:53,654
and encouraged their
natural curiosity.
134
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,122
-Man, that was dumb.
-Yeah.
135
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,592
-I mean, look where it got us.
-Yeah.
136
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,728
You know, at this point,
I would just settle
137
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,496
for, like, a regular day
138
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,064
where I don't need
Google Translate to find out
139
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,232
if I've been insulted.
140
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,901
Or where we bring home
an animal as a pet,
141
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,404
-and not to dissect.
-Or to clone.
142
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,573
Oh, the cloning's the worst.
When they look at you,
143
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,708
you know that they know
they're a mistake.
144
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:18,712
All I want is one day of normal.
145
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,415
We need it.
The kids definitely need it.
146
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,083
I mean, I love them.
147
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,918
I don't want them to grow
into super weirdos.
148
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,420
All right, so let's do it.
149
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:29,356
We just gotta think of a way
to get them on board.
150
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,791
Oh...
151
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:36,930
Are you even still...
152
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,932
No, I was thinking we need
more snacks down here.
153
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,206
I don't really get your problem.
154
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,708
If you want your kids
to have a normal day,
155
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:48,942
just force 'em.
156
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,579
You can't force your kids
to be normal.
157
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,413
But you could bully 'em.
158
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,916
You used to be a great bully
in high school.
159
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,485
Yeah, but I'm different now.
160
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,552
I've got 21.
161
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,153
Oh, look who can count.
162
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,956
Here, man. Dang.
163
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,392
See? You still got it.
164
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,595
Mike doesn't like it
when I bully people, though.
165
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,498
It reminds him of his bully
in high school-- me.
166
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:13,400
But you're outnumbered
over there now.
167
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,102
You're gonna have to do
whatever it takes
168
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,638
to tilt the odds back
into the house's favor.
169
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,239
Yeah, I gotta stop being nice
170
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,475
-about it for their own good.
-Thank you.
171
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:22,743
-You know what I'm gonna do?
-What?
172
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,647
Tomorrow, I am forcing them
to go somewhere that is fun,
173
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,817
dumb and taught me
everything I know.
174
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,785
-The boardwalk?
-That's right.
175
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,453
We're gonna do
the Tilt-A-Whirl
176
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,456
and eat funnel cake
and ride the log flume
177
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,659
until we throw up
a bunch of funnel cake.
178
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,628
But I need the time
to work on my opera.
179
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:44,031
I've been a genius for a day
and have accomplished nothing.
180
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,966
Tomorrow you will accomplish
whacking moles
181
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,601
and winning cheap
stuffed animals,
182
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,102
like we're a normal family.
183
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,605
That doesn't sound normal.
It sounds trashy.
184
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:55,609
We live in Atlantic City.
Normal is trashy.
185
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,144
I think it sounds fun.
186
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,313
Why?
187
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,716
No, seriously, is it okay
if I bring a friend?
188
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,051
Yes!
189
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,453
Yes, of course.
190
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,657
That's such a...
normal thing to do.
191
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,693
He's got a friend, just like
the kids in the movies.
192
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,828
Hey, and if it gets you guys
more excited about it,
193
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:17,297
you are welcome
to bring friends, too.
194
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,733
My best friend's already coming.
195
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,577
Hey, Dad.
196
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,078
No! Stay back.
197
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,682
I know you're just gonna
try to trick me
198
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:35,883
into spilling your IQs.
199
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,652
No, I was just coming over
to borrow the sunscreen.
200
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,387
Someone's paranoid.
201
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,355
Sorry.
202
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,726
It's a side effect
of the medication I'm... vaping.
203
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,563
Yeah, no, we're all good.
204
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:50,898
Mom told me Marc's score, so...
205
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,700
Yeah. No chance.
206
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:53,734
No, really, she did.
207
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,502
She told me he scored a 142.
208
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,972
See, I know that's not true,
'cause he scored a 156.
209
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,877
Damn it. Kay!
210
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,079
I love you, Daddy.
211
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,848
-Hey, Mom.
-Hey.
212
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,282
Can you believe it?
213
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,251
All of the kids are
actually ready.
214
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,253
I even got Marc
to wear swim trunks.
215
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:14,955
I mean, he called them
"water khakis,"
216
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,957
but whatever, he's wearing them.
217
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,960
So, as soon as Brian's friend
gets here, we can leave.
218
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,595
It is such a relief.
219
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:24,732
I am so happy to know
this family isn't so far gone
220
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,934
we can't have
one normal day around here.
221
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,670
(knock on door)
222
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:34,207
-Hi, Mrs. Bennett.
-Can I help you?
223
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:37,444
-Stu-Stu!
-Bri-Bri!
224
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,248
(both squawking)
225
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:42,816
BOTH:
Dab!
226
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,788
What is happening?
227
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,624
I think we just met
Brian's friend.
228
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,466
So, you're the friend
Brian is bringing
229
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,669
on our "normal" family day.
230
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:02,803
(chuckles)
231
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,738
How exactly do you two
know each other?
232
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:07,941
From the Astronomical Society
message boards.
233
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:12,813
And I know what you're thinking.
"How are these two friends?"
234
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:15,515
I mean, he does
computational physics,
235
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,517
and I do theoretical physics.
236
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,787
Like, what?
237
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,656
(laughs)
But I can't thank you enough
238
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,357
for inviting me,
Mr. and Mrs. Bennett.
239
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,626
Mike and Kay would probably be
less awkward for everyone.
240
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,161
-Well, Mike...
-I was wrong.
241
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,963
(Stu clears throat)
242
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,932
I've just been so stressed
waiting to hear about
243
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,434
the application for the
Princeton Physics Fellowship.
244
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,804
A day at the beach
is exactly what I need.
245
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,139
If we're not leaving,
246
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,141
I'm taking off my ocean slacks.
247
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,209
BOTH:
Not in front of Stu!
248
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:48,381
I mean, uh, yes, yes,
we are leaving, but, um...
249
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:51,018
Your mom and I just need to talk
to Brian alone for a minute.
250
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:54,955
Oh, FYI, I have a severe
nut allergy.
251
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,191
Here is my EpiPen.
It's better if you hold it.
252
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,227
I always lose it,
and I will need it.
253
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,836
(sighs)
Listen, Bri, about your friend.
254
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,804
Stu can't come.
Your dad and I talked about it.
255
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:12,806
I've been with you two
since he got here.
256
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,307
How'd you "talk" about it?
257
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,810
-With our eyes.
-We can do that.
258
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,645
You're both such hypocrites.
259
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,213
You're always telling me
that I should try
260
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,314
and make more friends.
261
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,516
We meant normal friends.
262
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:26,086
The good kind who introduce you
to drugs and alcohol.
263
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,320
People your own age.
264
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,557
People my own age are
boring and vapid.
265
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,726
All they do is make penis jokes
and Rick and Morty references.
266
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,062
God, people his age
sound awesome.
267
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:39,399
We're just trying to have
one normal day around here.
268
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,435
Yeah, and-and Stu seems like
a lot of things,
269
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,704
but normal ain't one of them.
270
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,673
We're sorry, Bri.
271
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,541
Well, then, I'm sorry, too,
'cause if Stu can't go,
272
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,077
then I don't go, either.
273
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,079
Oh, no, no.
274
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,681
We make the threats
in this house, buddy.
275
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,950
And you are coming or else...
276
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,352
...I will walk in there
277
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,788
and taint your results.
278
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,023
Do not make me taint.
279
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,558
(chuckles)
280
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:08,295
Oh, come on, man.
Your mom just said "taint."
281
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,430
Laugh. Be a kid.
282
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,801
Go on, Mom. Might as well.
283
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,904
Who needs to prove
a quantum vacuum in the universe
284
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,773
when there's one right here
in my heart?
285
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,578
What are we doing about Stu?
286
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,480
Look, I am happy Brian
287
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:28,715
has a friend,
but we are not bringing
288
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,584
a random 35-year-old man
to the boardwalk.
289
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,486
You're supposed to meet
290
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,289
random 35-year-old men
at the boardwalk.
291
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,959
We were different
in high school.
292
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,128
Will you help me problem-solve?
293
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,896
You do what you do to think,
294
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,465
I do what I do to think.
295
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,568
Maybe we just bring him.
296
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,104
This way we can drink,
and he'll drive us home.
297
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,940
Yeah. Drive us home.
298
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,507
Carry us upstairs.
299
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,509
Take off our skin.
300
00:12:56,543 --> 00:13:01,214
Okay, there is no way
that guy can carry us upstairs.
301
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,517
Just trying to find
the upside here.
302
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:07,587
We don't need an upside.
We need a solution.
303
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,623
And he gave us the solution
304
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:13,460
when he gave us the EpiPen.
305
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:20,500
Hello, my deadly,
honey-roasted friend.
306
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:23,436
Okay, we are not murdering Stu.
307
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,506
You know what? (clears throat)
I think I might know a way
308
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,275
where Stu doesn't come
309
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,010
and Brian doesn't hate us
for it.
310
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,379
-What are you doing?
-Avoiding a murder charge
for my wife.
311
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,447
(clears throat)
Hello, Stu? Hi.
312
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,683
This is Doctor, uh, Doctorman
313
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,785
from the Princeton
Physics Fellowship.
314
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,988
Excellent news.
You've been accepted.
315
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:43,823
STU:
Oh, my God, it's happening!
316
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:46,659
Uh, we need you to come down
317
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:47,995
to the campus
as soon as possible...
318
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,629
No time to say bye.
319
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,198
You have a lovely home.
320
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:52,832
I got a dream to live.
321
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,471
I know it's kind of weird,
322
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,008
but I'm actually kind of happy
for him.
323
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,977
(classical piano music playing)
324
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,413
All right, everybody.
Boardwalk ti...
325
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,315
What the hell's going on here?
326
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,417
I'm helping Marc with his Oprah.
327
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,253
So, what,
now you're too smart for paper?
328
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,088
Big ideas require a big canvas.
329
00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:16,823
What if someone
had told Michelangelo
330
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,491
he couldn't draw on the ceiling?
331
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,759
That's ridiculous.
332
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,761
He lived in a sewer.
333
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,565
We're not talking
about the Ninja Turtle, are we?
334
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,702
We're never talking
about the Ninja Turtle.
335
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,704
-You should get Nicole.
-Yep.
336
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:34,174
You had to drag your poor sister
into this?
337
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,708
It's a privilege
for the proletariat
338
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,510
to service the needs
of the elite.
339
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:38,946
(sighs)
How did I give birth
340
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:41,114
to Wikipedia?
341
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,817
I'm a proto lariat.
342
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:47,454
MIKE:
Nicole!
343
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:48,755
Come on, we're...
344
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,560
"Question Six: Fluid Reasoning."
345
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,628
Young lady, are you taking
a test behind our backs?
346
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,598
Yeah, I found a site online
to take the FISC.
347
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,101
I know Marc's score.
Now I need to crush him.
348
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,369
No, you don't.
349
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,903
-Now turn that off.
-No!
350
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,039
This is the only way
for me to credibly exert
351
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:07,907
intellectual dominance
over this family.
352
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,443
I will not be a Salieri
in my own home.
353
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,812
I don't know
what any of that means!
354
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,847
-I'm taking this.
-Uh...
355
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,556
(clears throat) I was gonna
storm off with this,
356
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,225
but it's probably easier
if you just leave.
357
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,627
(Nicole scoffs)
358
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,930
Slam the door behind you.
359
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,699
Thank you.
360
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:38,571
Okay. I tried bullying,
but I don't think it worked.
361
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,840
Can you go talk to her
and get her to like me again?
362
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,909
We got bigger problems.
363
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,911
Stupid Princeton.
364
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,580
I applied
to the same fellowship as Stu,
365
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,016
which means he got in
and I didn't.
366
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,817
I'm never leaving
this house again.
367
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,520
Uh, I-I'm sure Princeton
just hasn't
368
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,821
gotten around
to calling you yet.
369
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,789
They're probably calling
alphabetically.
370
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,026
His last name is Zycam.
371
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,762
-Yeah, I can see that.
-If the EpiPen fits.
372
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,464
KAY:
Look,
373
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,634
Brian, here's the truth...
374
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:10,270
Y-You got into the program!
(laughs)
375
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,505
-What?
-Yeah.
376
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,041
Wait. Are you guys
just saying that
377
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,542
so I'll go to the boardwalk?
378
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,876
How come I never got a call?
379
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,612
Because they sent a letter.
380
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,682
-I want to see it.
-Of course.
381
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,184
Honey?
382
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,019
Sure.
383
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,321
I'll go get it.
384
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:32,192
It was, uh, Dr. Doctorman,
was it?
385
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:36,196
And in the meantime, why don't
you go and get changed and...
386
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,198
MARC:
Viva l'anarchia!
387
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,467
-I'm just gonna ignore that.
-(loud clattering)
388
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,702
Okay, that I can't ignore.
389
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,903
MIKE:
Oh, my God.
390
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:46,005
Why are you destroying
everything?
391
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:49,476
I'm teaching Leila
the concept of anarchy.
392
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,144
Oh-- No, no, no.
393
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,713
-And I'm learning!
-No-- Okay.
394
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:55,482
All right, enough anarchy.
395
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,250
Time to clean up. Come on.
396
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,152
-NICOLE: 151?
-Oh, God, what now?
397
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,721
I scored five points
lower than Marc?
398
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:04,757
We unplugged your computer. How
did you even finish the test?
399
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:08,328
I know how to build a computer.
I'm not an idiot.
400
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,030
I am so sorry, but your father
accidentally shredded the--
401
00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:13,700
Oh, my God,
what is happening now?
402
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,168
How could you?
403
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,205
You've known for years I'm just
a 151 and never told me?
404
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,572
She took a FISC test.
405
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,174
Okay. Okay, relax.
406
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:22,775
That test isn't even right.
407
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,678
When you took the test
the first time, you got a 153.
408
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,514
So I'm getting stupider?
409
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,082
No, no, that's not
what I'm saying...
410
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,550
What is this?
This is not my letter.
411
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,286
This is lyrics
for some lame song.
412
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,388
Hey. "Closing Time" is not lame.
413
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,690
-Come here, come here. Stop...
-So you lied to me?
414
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,760
There's no letter? I-I don't
know what's real anymore.
415
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:43,763
Exactly.
We're all in a simulation
416
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,733
or something
that gets me out of this.
417
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:49,702
Just face it. We're both dumb
and it's their fault.
418
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,205
They're destroying our
brain cells with funnel cake.
419
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:54,474
I am not going to the boardwalk.
420
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,543
Me, neither. Me, either.
Me, either.
421
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:57,677
Look what you did!
422
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,114
-Hey, come back!
-No, it's fine.
423
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:04,917
Let them go. This whole thing
was a stupid idea anyway.
424
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:08,921
I'm just gonna go downstairs
and take a long, sad bath.
425
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,723
Oh, babe.
426
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,292
W-We don't have
a bathtub downstairs.
427
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:15,262
That's what makes it so sad.
428
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:18,831
I'm learning!
429
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:31,478
I can't believe I got outfoxed
by two boardwalking simpletons.
430
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,012
Hey, show some respect.
431
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,614
Two of you were conceived
at the boardwalk.
432
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:36,483
I am not gonna say which two.
433
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:40,287
Under the pier,
back of the tramcar.
434
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,022
-We're not talking to you.
-Yeah, I-I know.
435
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,492
We shouldn't have lied to you
about Princeton.
436
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,160
And, Nicole, maybe you're right.
437
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:49,596
Maybe we should've told you
your IQs a long time ago.
438
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,831
Honestly, I don't know.
439
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,633
There aren't many books written
440
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,602
about how to raise
three genius kids.
441
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,804
Well, a-actually there are.
442
00:18:57,837 --> 00:19:00,640
They're just super long.
443
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,278
All your mom and I can do
is wing it and try our best.
444
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:08,648
We sacrifice our time,
our money,
445
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,284
our walls...
(sighs)
446
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:15,121
...to give you guys every chance
to make the most of your gifts.
447
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:20,693
And today, all Mom wanted
in return was four hours.
448
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:24,264
And I actually thought you guys
were mature enough to do it.
449
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,567
I guess not.
450
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:35,074
You know, for as smart
as you guys are,
451
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:38,010
you're just a bunch of dummies.
452
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,683
-(door closes)
-Is he mad?
453
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:47,687
It feels like he's mad,
but he didn't yell.
454
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,088
It doesn't make sense.
455
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,358
It's just the beach.
What's the big deal?
456
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,360
I guess Mom just wanted
to do something
457
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,095
she likes for a change,
since it's her birthday.
458
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,565
-What?
-It's Mom's birthday?
459
00:19:58,598 --> 00:19:59,666
Uh-huh.
460
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,734
I-I thought it was in March.
461
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,736
Or October?
462
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,739
I didn't even know
Mom had a birthday.
463
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:09,242
She has one every year.
464
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:12,345
Stars, they're just like us.
465
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,080
How could we not remember this?
466
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:16,182
We're so self-obsessed
we can't even remember
467
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,850
our own mother's birthday.
468
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,118
Except for Leila.
469
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,788
I'm a proto lariat.
470
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,124
So, what do we do now?
471
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,930
You know, I actually thought
today was going to be fun.
472
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:34,033
Maybe we'll try again
at some point.
473
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,603
Think the boardwalk will
still be there in ten years?
474
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:39,639
Not if Brian's climate change
models are right.
475
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:43,276
But this might
make you feel better.
476
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:45,745
Look who I got working again.
477
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,314
(singing "Take Me to the River")
478
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:49,616
Oh! Holy hell!
479
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:54,487
(distorting):
* Take me to the river... *
480
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,859
I lost the only son
I ever understood.
481
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,829
LEILA:
Mommy!
482
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:04,764
Marc was standing on the chair
writing his Oprah
483
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,733
and then he fell
and is screaming a lot.
484
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,301
Can we get a new brother?
485
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:15,808
What happened to the tarp?
486
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,444
(piano playing)
487
00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:22,849
This is opera?
It's not so bad.
488
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:28,020
(Kay gasps)
489
00:21:28,054 --> 00:21:29,522
What is all this?
490
00:21:29,556 --> 00:21:31,257
We know we screwed up
and missed the chance
491
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:34,026
to go to the boardwalk, so we
brought the boardwalk here.
492
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:35,928
And we ordered funnel cakes.
493
00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:37,997
Luckily, I already had the
UV lights for my experiment,
494
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:39,632
so we're getting the same amount
of cancer we'd get
495
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,300
from being outside.
496
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:45,638
We're sorry about the way
we acted today.
497
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,140
-Happy birthday, Mom.
-We love you.
-Happy birthday!
498
00:21:48,174 --> 00:21:51,678
(laughs):
Thank you, this is so sweet.
499
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:54,447
This is so bizarre.
500
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,182
Why do they think
it's my birthday?
501
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,184
(whispers):
Daddy told me to tell them.
502
00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:01,721
It's called a scheme.
503
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:05,892
You outsmarted the smart ones.
504
00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:07,894
Score one for the dummies.
505
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,196
Yep. I used guilt.
506
00:22:10,229 --> 00:22:12,131
It's bullying from the heart.
507
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:15,835
But I did not
expect them to do all this.
508
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:17,537
Well, I love it.
509
00:22:17,570 --> 00:22:19,406
I just don't know
how you're gonna top this
510
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:20,673
for my real birthday.
511
00:22:20,707 --> 00:22:22,141
Oh, no, this is
your birthday now.
512
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:24,343
-Oh.
-(phone ringing)
513
00:22:24,377 --> 00:22:26,546
-Who is that?
-No clue.
514
00:22:26,579 --> 00:22:28,014
It's been the same number
calling for hours.
515
00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:31,584
It's probably spam.
I am just gonna turn it off.
516
00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:33,686
KAY:
Okay, my turn!
517
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,021
*
518
00:22:35,054 --> 00:22:37,990
-(muted chatter)
-(phone ringing)
519
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,593
MIKE:
Hey, it's Mike.
Leave a message.
520
00:22:40,627 --> 00:22:44,597
Hi, Dr. Doctorman,
this is Stu, again.
521
00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:45,898
Um, I've been outside
522
00:22:45,932 --> 00:22:47,667
the physics building
for a few hours.
523
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:52,605
It's locked, but I won't move
until I hear from you.
524
00:22:52,639 --> 00:22:54,641
(thunder crashes)
525
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:04,751
Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson
are Outmatched.
526
00:23:04,784 --> 00:23:06,786
See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.
36579
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