Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER: All-new episodes Thursdays.

And watch other Fox shows like Last Man Standing.

-Bingo. -Only on Fox.

Well, we did it.

It took three geniuses and 16 years,

but we finally got our first call to the principal's office.

Mm.

Being here really brings back memories.

I almost feel like that class-skipping,

whippet-doing 16-year-old again.

Yeah. Now you're just the work-skipping,

whippet-doing mom of a boy who gets bullied.

(chuckles softly) Honestly, I'm surprised

it took Marc this long to get picked on.

I mean, he's a weird, gifted kid

in an Atlantic City public school.

I wonder what finally did him in?

Oh. Could have been a hundred things.

I mean, he says, "Good morrow."

He's a vocal advocate for thyroid health.

He runs like his arms are trying to get away from his torso.

Yes. Yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennett?

Oh, my God. Sweetie, are you okay?

Who did this to you? Just give me a name.

Kids fall off the jungle gym all the time.

No, I think you both misunderstood.

Marc wasn't the victim. He was the bully.

No. No, that can't be right.

I mean, Marc couldn't hurt anybody.

Last night, he got trapped under his weighted blanket.

Technically, it was just a top sheet.

Marc didn't use his fists.

He has a way of making people who aren't as bright as him

feel inferior.

Sweetie, you can't make fun of other kids

because they're not as smart as you.

Actually, the victim wasn't a student.

You didn't tell me he was going to be here.

-Marc bullied his teacher? -No.

I simply correct him when he is wrong.

Which is all the time.

(sighs) He has repeatedly undermined me.

I've lost the respect of the whole class.

You lost that yourself when you said you went to Dartmouth.

It's an Ivy!

Sweetie, you can't treat your teacher like this.

You have to apologize.

All I did was tell the truth.

Apologizing would be lying.

Connie, you promised you'd make him stop.

Connie can't help you now.

*

I can't believe Marc bullied his teacher.

Brains and cruelty?

I may have finally found a running mate.

I talked to him about it; he wasn't trying to be a bully.

I think he's just acting out because he's bored

and not being challenged at school.

You know, you guys acted out, too, but in different ways.

Like when you grew human ears on the backs of mice

so you could "play God."

Funny story, most of those mice went insane.

This is a problem.

I don't know how we can keep sending Marc to that school.

So, send him to ours.

They'll accept anyone related to me sight unseen.

We can't afford a third kid in private school.

Money doesn't just grow on the backs of mice like ears, Nicole.

If he's bored, can't you just skip him a few grades

so he'll be more challenged?

Oh, he is not emotionally mature enough for that.

And how's he gonna reach the urinals?

I guess he could stand back and arc it.

What about sending Marc to Marlboro Charter?

They have a gifted program.

Jason Berger went there after our school kicked him out

for using the robotics lab to build a girlfriend.

Oh, we have dinner with them on the 24th

to celebrate their anniversary.

What's Marlboro Charter? Sounds expensive.

No, it's free.

It's like a public school with a specialized...

He stopped listening after "free."

I stopped listening after you said you have a dinner date

with a pervert and his robot girlfriend.

From what he says, she's the pervert.

And we think Marlboro Charter's gifted program

would be perfect for Marc.

He wrote his first concerto when he was four

and then self-published a magazine

that gave it a rave review.

Well, it's quite impressive.

And while my little academic sandbox

is open to all qualified children in the district,

I'm concerned about Marc's history of bullying.

I understand.

But that was just a one-time thing.

The class is a little slow for him,

so he's bored and acting out.

Interesting. "He's bored and acting out."

Tell me, was that also your excuse

back when you bullied me?

Uh... I'm sorry, when I...?

I could tell you didn't recognize me.

Ventnor High, we graduated together?

Oh, my God! Yes, yes, of course.

Dr. Walker. How are you?

You were the architect

of the most humiliating moment of my life.

Well, how have you been since then?

I can't believe Marc's bullying was a one-time thing.

The apple rarely falls far from the tree.

Are you kidding me?

That apple fell so far from the tree,

I wouldn't believe it's our apple

if I didn't see the tree push it out with my own eyes.

Marlboro appreciates your interest.

I'll pass Marc's application on to my colleague.

Well, thank you both for your time.

Well, there goes any shot of getting into Marlboro.

That guy really hates you.

I mean, that shredder was brand-new.

I feel like he bought it just for that meeting.

I don't even know what he was talking about.

I wasn't a bully in high school.

I played a few pranks.

I was voted class clown.

Sure, but clowns aren't always funny.

I mean, the most popular ones terrorize Gotham

or live in the sewer and eat children.

Hey.

How did it go at the school?

Uh, great, buddy. Yeah. We-we should hear soon.

I'm hopeful it works out.

Did you see that?

I've never seen him that amped up about anything.

Yeah.

I know. I got to fix things with Walker.

So we'll-we'll just call him and apologize.

That's perfect.

Except for I have no idea who he is or what I did to him.

I got to figure this out.

Someone has to remember him.

I don't remember him.

Wait. Was this the guy

you stapled into the mascot outfit?

-No, that was John Norwood. -Oh.

What about the dude whose deodorant

you switched for spray glue?

Ryan Farley.

And how was I supposed to know he sprayed deodorant down there?

Who does that?

-What? -(scoffs) No one.

That's crazy.

Okay, okay... Oh! What was the name of the flat-assed guy

you shoved into the locker during homecoming?

Oh-oh-oh, oh. Uh, uh, his name was Mike.

(clears throat) Mike Bennett. She married him.

(chuckles)

You know, the more we talk about all the stuff I did,

it sounds more mean than fun.

Was I just a bully in high school?

No... no, babe.

You just-- you did some...

cruel things at the expense of other people's confidence

in their white jean collection.

Wow, Mike. You found the only thing

that a white guy can't get away with.

So Walker was right.

I am the jerk tree,

and Marc is the apple that didn't fall far from me.

Maybe you were a tree on the jerky side,

but you're a different person now.

Pancake-Ass is right.

Why don't you just show this Walker guy that you changed.

Uh, invite him over for dinner or something.

Yeah, or do what you did to us:

invite him over for beer and pizza,

and then talk about stuff he can't even contribute to

because he went to a different high school, Kay!

All right, you know what? Let's give it a try.

We'll roll out the red carpet.

Oh! Was Walker the guy you rolled in that carpet?

MIKE: No-no-no-no-no.

Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh, also me.

Walker just e-mailed back.

He is in for dinner tomorrow.

But he said his "girlfriend" can't make it.

Weirdly, he's the one who put "girlfriend" in quotes.

Great. Did he mention any food allergies?

'Cause we throw a couple nuts in his salad,

next thing you know, we're saving his life

and he owes us.

-Ha! -Oh. Hey, buddy.

What did we say about you and lurking?

Don't get caught.

Maybe now's a good time to talk to your apple.

Hey, sweetie.

Here. Sit.

You know,

I've been thinking about all the stuff I did

when I was in school, and you know what I realized?

It is never okay to bully.

-Well, actually... -I hate when they start sentences like that.

I recently read an article that I wrote

that highlights the sociopolitical benefits

of diminishing the weakest among us.

From an evolutionary standpoint, ineptitude should be ridiculed,

as to discourage that trait from the species.

Does everything have to be a nature documentary?

Just be kind to people, even if they're dumber than you.

So, based on that premise,

I should be extra nice to Brian.

What a beautiful sentiment from my brilliant

and symmetrically-featured sister.

In case your lackluster intelligence isn't following,

it is I who am being nice because...

because of what Mom said.

Interesting.

They're being nice to be mean.

-No, no-no-no-no-no, don't learn this. -MIKE: Guys,

niceness is not a weapon, okay?

It makes the world a better place,

and also, it's a great way to hedge your bet

in case there really is a heaven.

So just put your egos aside and-and just,

you know... be good.

Forever.

Yes!

Definitely forever. But especially tomorrow.

Because Marc's academic life hangs in the balance,

and we have to prove

that we are a warm, loving family,

and not just a bunch of bullies.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow your hammer?

My imaginary friend needs to be taught a lesson.

Hey, what do you think?

Pretty clean, right?

I mean, I had to drill the closet door shut

'cause it wouldn't stay. But that's for tomorrow us.

Nice. Look what I got.

Nothing says "warm, kind home" like a welcome mat.

Good news, it was on sale.

Bad news, it says "Welcome to our ho ho home."

That's perfect. He's gonna think

we're year-round Christmas people.

Those freaks are nice to a fault.

BRIAN: Mom,

your deceitful daughter plagiarized

my look for the night.

Plagiarized? You took that turtleneck out of my drawer.

What happened to you two out-nice'ing each other?

That tiresome charade ran its course.

Yeah, it got weird when Nicole tried to draw me a bath.

Okay, Walker is going to be here any minute.

I don't have time for your your fighting

and competing right now.

Nicole gets the turtleneck, Brian gets the khakis,

no one gets a bath.

Why can't they ever just make anything easy?

Isn't it obvious?

I was a bully, and now I'm raising an army of bullies.

Well, I don't know about an army.

I'd say maybe an elite task force.

I was just worried about Marc, but it's all of them.

It's like my mean DNA combined with their brains

makes them bullying supersoldiers.

Well, we can't count on the kids, so it's just gonna be

up to us tonight to make sure that-that we're nice.

Okay, you know you're already, like, professionally nice,

so you're just saying that to remind me.

-What? -Do you not think I'm nice?

Yeah, of course you're nice, babe.

Yeah-- I'm just, I'm saying, you know, it never hurts to, uh,

-be more nice. -What the hell is more nice?

-Not this. -(doorbell rings)

Great.

Now I'm all in my head about "more nice."

You know, I'm gonna "more nice" your head right up your...

(gasps) Hey, you!

Get in here.

-I'm a hugger. -Oh.

Careful, I have a soft spine.

This is a very quaint home.

Shoes on, I assume.

Dr. Walker, thank you for coming.

We're sorry your girlfriend couldn't make it.

Ah. Yes, well, actually, we broke up.

My decision.

And don't try calling her; she doesn't have a phone.

Please come in. Let me introduce you to the family.

Um, t-this here is Leila.

And of course, this is Marc--

come here, buddy-- the man of the hour.

-Enchanté, Marc. -Enchanté, aussi.

Oh, French. (chuckles)

The language of France.

Okay. (clears throat, chuckles)

KAY: And these are our other two

gifted children Brian and Nicole.

-Enchanté. -Enchanté.

-Enchanté. -Enchanté. -NICOLE: Actually,

I think you can help us.

My brother and I were having an intellectual debate.

Is there any other kind? (laughs)

How droll.

As an academic evaluator, you are uniquely qualified

to settle something for us.

Uh, we don't need to bother Dr. Walker with...

We could show you our résumés, drone on

about our commendations, but let's dismiss the formalities.

You've seen enough.

Decide: who is drawing whom a bath?

Come again?

Who is drawing whom...

(laughs): Okay. Why don't, why don't we, uh,

go upstairs and, uh, and change our clothes... (clears throat)

...and our personalities?

Okay. So the kids enchantéd the bed.

I think it's time to pull the trigger and say you're sorry.

(whispers): Ah, yeah. There's one problem-- same problem--

-I don't remember him. -Right.

Okay. Okay, I-I got this. (clears throat)

So, Dr. Walker, tell me about yourself.

D-Did you play any sports in high school?

(chuckles) No, I was not a sporting man.

The only team I cheered for was the team of physicians

trying to rectify my calcium deficiency.

I drank an obscene amount of milk.

Cool, cool. That seems like a memorable characteristic,

just a sick dude chugging milk all the time?

What is this?

No, no, no. Uh, we're-we're not...

I had my reservations about tonight.

Now I see you brought me here only to mock me.

My girlfriend was right. I shouldn't have come.

I thought you broke up.

This is a new one.

She also has no phone. I should be going.

No-- Dr. Walker, wait.

I realize now that I was not a good person in high school.

I feel terrible about the things I did back then,

and I wish I could apologize

for what I did to you.

But the truth is, I don't even remember what it was.

Well, I appreciate your candor.

I wish it were only so easy for me

to forget about that election speech.

Election speech.

You're Andy Walker.

(high-pitched): And I owe you an apology.

(regular voice): Oh.

Would you, um...

excuse me?

Uh, I'm just gonna go help her for a minute.

(clears throat)

-What is going on? -I remember Walker.

Senior year, right before his student council speech,

I slipped a bottle of laxatives into his prescription soup.

Walker was the kid that dumped out in front of the school.

I remember that.

They had to replace the whole stage.

But this is great. Now you can really apologize.

No, I can't. I will never ever apologize to that guy.

Well, drink up. Usually after the second glass,

you're more up to try things you first said no to.

-Why won't you tell this guy you're sorry? -Look,

I feel bad about a lot of stuff I did back then, but not that.

That was not bullying, it was standing up for a friend.

My only regret is I didn't use more laxatives.

But I needed to fit into my prom dress.

-But again... -The guy was a huge creep.

He had a crush on my friend Heather, and she just

didn't like him back, so he lied about her cheating off him

and got her kicked out of school.

Whoa, that guy did that?

Okay, they might get the bullying from me,

but they get the lurking from you.

Yes.

Your mom needs to say she's sorry to this guy.

But it sounds like she was right.

She shouldn't have to apologize.

Ugh, I have to be a parent right now, don't I?

Your dad has a point.

What I did was wrong, and it is never okay

to treat someone like that.

So I should own up to it.

(whispers): Even though I was right and I don't want to.

And then Neil deGrasse Tyson said, "Give me some time."

And I said, "What is time?" and, oh, did we laugh.

Well, I laughed.

He was very far away.

Can I go to bed?

Dr. Walker, I just want to finish what I was saying before.

Oh.

KAY: I am...

sorry for what I did to you.

It was, uh...

Cruel, childish and unjustified?

Those are three things.

And for whatever reasons I thought I had, I see now that...

You did it because you were jealous

of my success and intelligence.

The important thing is that Marc is a great kid.

All of my kids are great kids,

and I have done my best to set a good example for all of them.

Well, at least you have the self-awareness

to make yourself a cautionary tale for your children.

Though you must appreciate the irony.

You, once so powerful and popular, now reduced

to working at a second-rate casino, pleading for my help

like a squirrel trapped in a garden rake.

Okay. Okay, ho-- That is my squirrel.

-Mike, it's fine. -It is fine.

I graciously accept your apology.

Justice has been served.

All is right in the world.

You're a dick.

-Leila. -NICOLE: She's right.

No one can talk to our mother like that.

Especially not some pedantic pseudo-intellectual.

Pseudo? I have an IQ of 135.

(both laugh)

I can't believe you'd admit that.

So, you're just a whole family full of bullies.

I guess some things never change.

You should know.

Becoming an educator is a transparent attempt

to wield power in an environment where you once felt so impotent.

What know you of my impotence?

Your words mean nothing.

"Let them speak lewdly of me, what am I the worse?"

-Sir Thomas More. -(scoffs)

More like Sir Thomas Snore.

(both laugh)

I'll be going.

Marc, it seems like you're the only decent one of the bunch.

Wait.

(whispering indistinctly)

(crying softly)

Sir Thomas More was a damned fool.

(door opens, closes)

What did you say to him?

Just enough.

Again, I am so sorry for all of the mean things I said

and did to you in high school.

Thanks. It was nice talking to you, too.

Jerry Weenus accepted my apology.

Another burned bridge rebuilt--

-And what are you wearing? -Oh. These?

Well, I figured, now that we are officially

a bully-free ho ho home, I am free to be me.

And I can't say anything about it.

No, you cannot.

You just got to watch me walk. (chuckles)

Okay, the jeans don't want to sit. (clears throat)

Announcing entrance.

Sweetie, we are so sorry about Marlboro.

But don't worry, we are gonna come up with another plan.

It's okay. I'm going to apologize to my teacher.

-You are? -If you could be nice to a jerk

like Dr. Walker for me, I can be nice to my teacher for you.

It's not his fault he went to Dartmouth.

(chuckles)

Wow, that is really mature of you, buddy.

Yeah.

Maybe even like seventh grade mature.

-Then we'd have two drop-offs. -Sixth it is.

Hey, jelly bean, what are you doing?

I'm going to dig in the backyard.

Oh, y-you planting something?

Sort of. Let's just say that you won't be seeing

my imaginary friend around here anymore.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes Thursdays on Fox.