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♪
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♪
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Welcome to
tonight's Democratic debate
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00:00:13,804 --> 00:00:15,261
in Charleston, South Carolina.
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Good evening.
I'm Gayle King,
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and CBS needs me
more than I need them.
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Thanks to my cohost,
Norah O'Donnell,
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and the Democratic
candidates.
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Tom Steyer, feel free
to take a nap
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and I'll tap you on the shoulder
when we're done.
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You may all now attempt to
dick-punch a 78-year-old hippy.
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Oh, sure, pick on the underdog
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with a small lead
in every state.
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Vladimir Putin wants Bernie
to win the nomination.
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Putin does not want me to win.
Very few people do.
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Bernie Sanders is bad,
but Michael Bloomberg is worse.
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I mean Bernie!
But then again, Bloomberg!
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Aw, dang it, I'm losing
everyone, aren't I?
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Yeah, yeah, Bernie bad.
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Hey, I'm still winning
this state,
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so let's wrap this up
before I get confused
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and try to arm-wrestle
the Steadicam, huh?
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Okay, I think
we're good here.
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For Norah, Gayle,
Harry Reasoner,
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and all of us here at
the DuMont network, good night!
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We just started, Joe.
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Oh, wow! I can't wait to
find out what I'm gonna say!
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I've got no money,
I'm hemmorhaging the black vote,
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and I've got a letter opener
in my pocket
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whittled to a deadly point.
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Who wants to take
a goddamn swing?!
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Let me be clear --
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the only authoritarian I support
is my wife, Jane,
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when she forces me to eat
leftovers for dinner
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when I was craving Fazoli's.
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I should probably
get out of this race
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before people realize
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I'm a rounding error away
from Ted Kaczynski.
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Senator Warren's got me
all wrong.
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I have released more women
from non-disclosure agreements
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than any candidate
on this stage.
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Come on, Joe!
South Carolina is a layup.
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Just take the ball, aim, and --
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actually, lemme just say one
quick thing about desegregation.
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Joe, no, don't do it!
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I have to, Joe!
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[indistinct arguing]
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Candidates, please.
One at a time.
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[arguing continues]
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Exciting news, everyone.
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I'm still viable
because Mike Bloomberg and I
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are officially
running mates.
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I didn't agree to that.
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Not! My! Problem!
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Vice President Biden,
put down Tom Steyer.
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Come on, man,
gimme your 15%.
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Where'd you stash it?
In your socks?
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And everyone else, please take
it easy on Senator Sanders.
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I defeated my own heart!
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I can defeat you bastards!
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And that's all the time
we have.
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Remember these candidates'
faces,
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because after Super Tuesday,
half of them will be mulched.
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Can I count on you, letter D,
for a small-dollar donation?
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♪
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♪
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Welcome back to Meet the Press.
I'm Chuck Todd,
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and I've never passed
someone walking a dog
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without getting tangled up
in the leash.
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It's endorsement season,
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and with Super Tuesday
around the bend,
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every Democratic nominee
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is vying for the biggest
endorsement of all.
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The endorsement whom of course
I am speaking of about
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is, of course, Barack Obama,
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the one Democrat so beloved,
his star power
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completely overshadows
his civilian kill ratio.
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Joining me now
is Obama's self-proclaimed
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"Caucasian brother
from another mother" --
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oh, I don't like saying that --
Vice President Joe Biden.
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Happy to be here, Chuck.
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You're so cute, you could be
one of them Gerber babies!
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Awww. Don't you think
securing the Obama endorsement
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could airlift the fallen tree
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pinning your screaming
campaign to the ground?
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I'm actually feeling good
about securing the black vote
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and the youth vote
on my own.
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Remember, kids,
Papa Biden is on your side
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as long as you're
willing to work hard
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and never receive
anything in return!
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00:03:30,845 --> 00:03:33,387
Whoa! You're not actively
seeking Obama's endorsement?
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Look, look.
Barack Obama's my BFF!
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We are Washington's Olsen twins,
joined forever in eternity!
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When was the last time
you two spoke?
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My birthday maybe?
His birthday?
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I sent him
this spooky thing
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that I had to send
to 15 people
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or a ghost lady would come
out of my closet and stab me.
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00:03:49,887 --> 00:03:51,512
Hey, when's your birthday,
big guy?
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Lemme give you
some birthday spankings!
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Uh, we'll be right back!
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♪ grandiose music plays ♪
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It doesn't matter
who the lefty losers vote for
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on Super Tuesday.
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My internal poll numbers show
me winning in every state,
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00:04:03,178 --> 00:04:04,929
especially the ones
where you have to drive
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00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:06,637
50 miles to see another person.
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00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,178
-What internal poll?
-Um, hello?!
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The internal poll that my staff
reads to me every morning
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after they've given me
my flattery enema.
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Can we see
the polling data?
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Who do you think I am, a guy
who carries around papers?
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Alright. I gotta jet
before I accidentally mention
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the maxi pad
under my belly paunch
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that's slowly becoming saturated
with my oils.
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It feels insane to say it,
but Chuck Todd is right.
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If you want to limp across
the primary finish line,
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you need Obama's endorsement
before Super Tuesday.
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Barack will endorse me
on his own time.
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Until then, I won't violate
our unspoken friendship code,
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which says
that we do not speak.
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We just don't want to let the
nomination slip away from you
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and into the hands
of some pro-health care,
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anti-dying-in-the-street
radical.
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Imagine your life if you
don't get the nomination --
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no access to the hair,
shoulders, and necks
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of unsuspecting women!
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-I don't like that one bit!
-And you'll be so bored!
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00:04:58,011 --> 00:05:00,095
I could lose
my mental acuity!
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Welp, better head home
and walk my childhood dog.
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♪ flowery music plays ♪
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Mr. President,
what are you doing down here?
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Shouldn't you be up in bed,
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staring quietly at the inside
of your eyelids
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until it's time
to eat again?
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I couldn't "sleep."
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I was thinking about
the internal poll.
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You mean the really good one
that says
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hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play?
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Some big kids
in the press corps
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were talking about it
like it isn't real.
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They're just trying to
rile you up, Mr. President.
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Of course, the magical poll
that says you're more popular
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than the straight boy
at drama camp is real.
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Phew! If I wasn't
beating the Democrats,
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that would mean
I'd lose re-election.
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If I knew I was gonna
lose re-election,
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can you imagine
how miserable
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I'd make the lives
of everyone around me?
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Not even the most godforsaken
soul on Earth
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would desire
my staff's hellish fates.
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♪ tense music plays ♪
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Luckily, according to you,
that would never happen.
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Uh-oh.
It's almost sunrise.
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If you don't go to bed,
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your internal poll numbers
might drop.
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-But, but, but --
-Ah! I hear them going down!
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I'm going! I'm going!
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Don't forget
to brush your teeth
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and wipe your ass!
No!
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♪
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[Biden] Hmm.
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Ohh! Huh.
Guess it has been a while.
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"Hi, Barack.
Can I get your endorsement?
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Hope you forwarded
that ghost thing."
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[sighs happily]
[twinkling]
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I'm gonna run
for president, huh?
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But don't worry.
I'll treat your legacy
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with the same care I treat
this fine carpet under my feet.
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Ah, crap!
I stepped in shit.
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00:06:32,428 --> 00:06:34,261
Look, Joe, uh, you don't
have to run for president.
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Maybe you should do
something else
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like fly-fishing
or meat-curing...
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[fading] try out for
a men's volleyball team...
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[twinkling]
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Aw, geez, folks, forget it!
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Great! Now I gotta sweet-talk
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an old lady
into giving me her phone!
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♪ dramatic music plays ♪
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[Ross] I told Trump
I had two hours to live,
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and he still wouldn't shut up
about the internal poll.
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He needs to know
the truth, Conway!
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00:06:56,470 --> 00:06:58,512
Relax! He'll forget about it
as soon as he hears
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00:06:58,595 --> 00:07:00,929
we're having stuffed-crust
crusty-stuff for lunch.
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00:07:01,011 --> 00:07:02,720
-No, he won't!
-Tell him!
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00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:04,762
Tell me what?
The internal poll kissed me
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00:07:04,845 --> 00:07:06,720
gently on the forehead
as I slumbered?
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[chairs creak]
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00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,053
About that -- I want you
to hear it from me
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because I'm
a straight shooter.
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00:07:11,970 --> 00:07:13,220
[all laughing hysterically]
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00:07:13,303 --> 00:07:15,553
Okay, okay. Shut up,
you pieces of shit!
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00:07:15,637 --> 00:07:18,095
The thing about the poll
is that it isn't actually real.
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00:07:18,178 --> 00:07:19,929
It's just something
we tell presidents
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00:07:20,011 --> 00:07:22,345
to bring joy
to their faces.
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So you lied?! [sobbing]
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00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,720
But it has to be real!
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00:07:26,804 --> 00:07:30,595
If it's not real, that means
I could lose re-election!
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00:07:30,679 --> 00:07:33,720
And it means that I'm taking
all you rat bastards
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00:07:33,804 --> 00:07:35,136
down with me!
201
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:38,053
Um...uh...
Uh, got ya, Mr. President!
202
00:07:38,136 --> 00:07:39,970
[chuckles nervously]
Of course, the poll is real!
203
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:42,387
It was just
a Super Tuesday prank.
204
00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:44,720
Just a prank? Really?
Yes, a prank!
205
00:07:44,804 --> 00:07:48,720
Just as God so loved the world
that he pranked his only son.
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00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:50,261
I knew it was a prank!
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00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,720
Now tell me everything
about the poll!
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00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:54,762
Does the poll
sleep in a matchbox
209
00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:56,095
with a button as a pillow?
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00:07:56,178 --> 00:07:57,595
Is the poll always watching me
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00:07:57,679 --> 00:08:00,512
even when I spend
six hours a day in the can?
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00:08:00,595 --> 00:08:02,095
♪
213
00:08:02,178 --> 00:08:03,762
[Biden] I couldn't
ask him, folks.
214
00:08:03,845 --> 00:08:06,303
I guess I'll just have to win
this whole thing on my own.
215
00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:07,762
What do you think
of this slogan --
216
00:08:07,845 --> 00:08:09,679
"You're Only As Young
As You Feel!"
217
00:08:09,762 --> 00:08:12,637
with a photo of me and a Dallas
Cowboy cheerleader on my lap.
218
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,428
[groans] We thought
you might wussy out.
219
00:08:14,512 --> 00:08:18,095
Okay, fine. Two cheerleaders.
My legs can take it.
220
00:08:18,178 --> 00:08:20,845
That's why we brought in
some fellow centrists
221
00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:22,512
who still believe
in your mission
222
00:08:22,595 --> 00:08:24,804
of impassioned
indifference.
223
00:08:24,887 --> 00:08:27,387
You're the only one
who can change things
224
00:08:27,470 --> 00:08:28,804
to the way they are.
225
00:08:28,887 --> 00:08:31,428
The only one who can
champion the belief system
226
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:34,178
that skyrocketed me
to an historical footnote.
227
00:08:34,261 --> 00:08:35,679
O Biden,
my president.
228
00:08:35,762 --> 00:08:37,345
[Harris]
O Biden, my president.
229
00:08:37,428 --> 00:08:39,387
[O'Rourke]
O Biden, my president!
230
00:08:39,470 --> 00:08:41,178
So what do ya say, Joe?
231
00:08:41,261 --> 00:08:43,804
Will you be the torchbearer
of the status quo?
232
00:08:43,887 --> 00:08:45,929
I'm touched!
I gotta win back
233
00:08:46,011 --> 00:08:49,637
my best friend,
Barack Hassan Obama!
234
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,595
[soft jazz playing]
235
00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:55,428
Hey! I saw your little one,
Sabra, at the mall last week.
236
00:08:55,512 --> 00:08:57,303
Man, that girl sure knows
how to tell me
237
00:08:57,387 --> 00:09:00,136
she's not your daughter and
that I've made a huge mistake.
238
00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:01,845
Anyways, I'm running
for president.
239
00:09:01,929 --> 00:09:03,303
Uh, yes, uh,
I got your e-mail,
240
00:09:03,387 --> 00:09:04,929
and I've been
meaning to donate.
241
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:07,845
No, I get it. You're a busy
Hollywood hotshot now.
242
00:09:07,929 --> 00:09:10,261
I bet you know
all the Impractical Jokers.
243
00:09:10,345 --> 00:09:12,845
But, hey, there's something
I need to ask you.
244
00:09:12,929 --> 00:09:15,261
Uh, look, Joe, I'm not
going to endorse anybody
245
00:09:15,345 --> 00:09:17,220
ahead of the convention,
so if that's why we're here...
246
00:09:17,303 --> 00:09:19,762
What? No.
No, no, of course not!
247
00:09:19,845 --> 00:09:23,178
I just wanted to ask, uh, if
you remember when we first met
248
00:09:23,261 --> 00:09:25,512
back on the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee.
249
00:09:25,595 --> 00:09:27,512
You were eating a ham sandwich,
and I yelled,
250
00:09:27,595 --> 00:09:30,595
"New guy's eatin' a ham
sandwich! Everybody, look!"
251
00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:32,845
Uh, yes, that was quite loud
and embarrassing for me.
252
00:09:32,929 --> 00:09:35,220
Oh, okay.
253
00:09:35,303 --> 00:09:37,303
Uh, well, I need
to get home and prepare
254
00:09:37,387 --> 00:09:39,345
for an important
Obama Foundation fundraiser.
255
00:09:39,428 --> 00:09:41,387
Richard Branson is
auctioning off a jetpack.
256
00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:42,387
Uh, Waiter! Can I get
257
00:09:42,470 --> 00:09:44,679
my unsweetened
dessert almonds to go?
258
00:09:44,762 --> 00:09:46,512
♪ sleigh bells jingling ♪
259
00:09:46,595 --> 00:09:49,512
[Conway] And that's the story
of the internal poll.
260
00:09:49,595 --> 00:09:52,303
Okay. We good?
Aww. Tell me once more.
261
00:09:52,387 --> 00:09:54,345
I'm actually gonna
listen this time.
262
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,345
Ugh. Christ. Okay.
263
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,762
It was the March
before Election Day,
264
00:09:57,845 --> 00:10:01,470
and all through the White House,
everyone was dreaming up ways
265
00:10:01,553 --> 00:10:04,345
to hide polling places
from black people.
266
00:10:04,428 --> 00:10:07,720
Then everyone popped a downer
and passed out at their desks,
267
00:10:07,804 --> 00:10:11,136
as visions of empty
immigration processing centers
268
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:12,929
danced in their heads.
269
00:10:13,011 --> 00:10:14,679
When all of a sudden,
270
00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:18,303
a big magic, uh, internal poll
271
00:10:18,387 --> 00:10:20,261
landed on the roof.
[rumbling, thud]
272
00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:22,261
The internal poll
was named Pollie,
273
00:10:22,345 --> 00:10:24,136
and it was full of polling data
274
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:27,053
that said things like,
"2020 is in the bag!"
275
00:10:27,136 --> 00:10:30,053
and "The Jews
will not replace us!"
276
00:10:30,136 --> 00:10:31,804
Pollie shimmied off the roof
277
00:10:31,887 --> 00:10:36,345
with the spirit of
63 million screaming lunatics
278
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,512
and landed in the Oval Office...
[glass shatters]
279
00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:42,261
...where it shared
all its polling data with me.
280
00:10:42,345 --> 00:10:44,261
[President Trump] Well, what
happened next, Mrs. Conway?
281
00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:47,428
[Conway] Uhh, Pollie went
back to heaven. The end.
282
00:10:47,512 --> 00:10:49,178
[whooshing]
283
00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:51,261
Wow!
What a great story!
284
00:10:51,345 --> 00:10:53,428
Guess there's only one thing
left to do now --
285
00:10:53,512 --> 00:10:56,387
[yawns] Stay up all night
and wait for Pollie!
286
00:10:56,470 --> 00:10:59,261
-Wait. What?
-So I can see it for myself.
287
00:10:59,345 --> 00:11:00,887
That cool? I'm kidding.
288
00:11:00,970 --> 00:11:04,011
I would never ask anyone's
permission to do anything.
289
00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:05,887
♪
290
00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:07,845
[Biden] Aw, geez!
I biffed it!
291
00:11:07,929 --> 00:11:09,929
My charm only works
on middle-aged women
292
00:11:10,011 --> 00:11:12,762
whose faces I take in both hands
as I ask them how many hearts
293
00:11:12,845 --> 00:11:15,428
they broke on the bus ride in
from Corpus Christi.
294
00:11:15,512 --> 00:11:17,470
Give it another shot.
When can you see Obama again?
295
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:19,470
He's got a foundation
thing tomorrow,
296
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,887
but he'll probably be surrounded
by all his fancy friends
297
00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:24,970
like Richard Branson and
the guys who invented movies!
298
00:11:25,053 --> 00:11:27,011
I'll probably
just embarrass myself
299
00:11:27,095 --> 00:11:29,053
and tarnish
his legacy forever!
300
00:11:29,136 --> 00:11:30,261
Aw, geez! I biffed it!
301
00:11:30,345 --> 00:11:32,095
We'll help you
un-biff it!
302
00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:33,679
Let's make him
gaffe-proof.
303
00:11:33,762 --> 00:11:36,553
♪ upbeat music plays ♪
304
00:11:36,637 --> 00:11:38,470
[Schumer] Pretend these are
Barack's hip new friends.
305
00:11:38,553 --> 00:11:39,845
How would you talk to them?
[click]
306
00:11:39,929 --> 00:11:41,261
Hey, man,
stop being a tease
307
00:11:41,345 --> 00:11:43,720
and let us see
that gaping eye hole!
308
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,804
Hi. I bet each of your husbands
have a crush on the both of you.
309
00:11:46,887 --> 00:11:49,387
God damn it! You know we need
to raise the minimum wage
310
00:11:49,470 --> 00:11:51,178
when single moms
are forced to wear
311
00:11:51,261 --> 00:11:52,720
their dead husband's clothes!
Jesus, Joe!
312
00:11:52,804 --> 00:11:54,178
What the hell's
the matter with you?!
313
00:11:54,261 --> 00:11:55,595
Well, what am I
supposed to say?
314
00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:57,178
Talk about the weather!
The Yankees!
315
00:11:57,261 --> 00:11:58,929
How Giuliani is a good guy
if you get to know him!
316
00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:02,762
Banana-flavored candy!
Anything! Who gives a shit?!
317
00:12:02,845 --> 00:12:04,679
♪ bright music plays ♪
318
00:12:04,762 --> 00:12:07,345
Hey, Richard Branson.
You like the weather?
319
00:12:07,428 --> 00:12:09,095
How's about
a banana candy?
320
00:12:09,178 --> 00:12:10,345
[both] Not awful!
321
00:12:10,428 --> 00:12:13,845
♪ joyful music plays ♪
322
00:12:13,929 --> 00:12:16,679
I left out all of the internal
poll's favorite things to eat.
323
00:12:16,762 --> 00:12:18,470
Thank God they were
all in your purse --
324
00:12:18,553 --> 00:12:20,804
Max Blast Mascara
in Midnight Black,
325
00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:23,178
a disgusting scrunchie,
and the patent paperwork
326
00:12:23,261 --> 00:12:25,637
for a budget wine
called SlurryGal Cabernet.
327
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,011
Oh, good God.
I'm never lying again.
328
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,929
I'll just camp out at my desk
all night until Pollie shows up.
329
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:34,220
Can you sing me my favorite
internal poll song again?
330
00:12:34,303 --> 00:12:35,595
Um...
331
00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:38,595
♪ We three polls
of internal polls ♪
332
00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:41,762
[both] ♪ Telling me that
I'm cool and not old ♪
333
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:45,428
♪ Beating the Dems,
doing the thing ♪
334
00:12:45,512 --> 00:12:49,845
[sleepily] ♪ It's true
that the poll is real ♪
335
00:12:49,929 --> 00:12:51,303
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
336
00:12:51,387 --> 00:12:54,387
[sadly] It never showed.
337
00:12:54,470 --> 00:12:55,887
[soft jazz playing]
338
00:12:55,970 --> 00:12:57,929
[Obama] Now, when I used
Facebook to win in '08,
339
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,804
it was still good.
But now? Bad.
340
00:12:59,887 --> 00:13:02,178
-[laughs] Barack, c'mon!
-You. This guy. Hilarious.
341
00:13:02,261 --> 00:13:03,720
I'm kidding.
Technology is the future.
342
00:13:03,804 --> 00:13:05,887
[Biden] I keep getting
logged off my Facebook!
343
00:13:05,970 --> 00:13:08,011
When I try to log back in,
I have to identify
344
00:13:08,095 --> 00:13:09,762
which pictures
have cars in 'em,
345
00:13:09,845 --> 00:13:11,887
but dang it if they don't
all look like cars to me!
346
00:13:11,970 --> 00:13:13,220
Joe!
What are you doing here?
347
00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:14,887
Just wanted to
support your cause.
348
00:13:14,970 --> 00:13:18,011
Now, how about this weather?
It's raining cats and dogs!
349
00:13:18,095 --> 00:13:19,553
-Oooooooo! [chuckles]
-That's some snappy chit-chat.
350
00:13:19,637 --> 00:13:21,428
Uh, yes, that is an
appropriate thing to say.
351
00:13:21,512 --> 00:13:23,762
Hey, did you know they eat
cats and dogs in China?!
352
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:26,345
It's messed,
but that's their culture!
353
00:13:27,345 --> 00:13:28,887
There you go.
Best seat in the house.
354
00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:30,970
But all your other friends
are seated up front!
355
00:13:31,053 --> 00:13:33,261
I can't tell the deejay
to play rock-and-roll songs
356
00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:34,762
from way back here!
357
00:13:34,845 --> 00:13:36,720
Oh, and if anyone asks,
please refer to me
358
00:13:36,804 --> 00:13:38,428
as your former
coworker, okay?
359
00:13:38,512 --> 00:13:39,762
[Obama] Cool? Got it? Thanks.
360
00:13:39,845 --> 00:13:41,303
I'm biffin' it!
Damn it!
361
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:42,720
♪
362
00:13:42,804 --> 00:13:44,303
[Conway]
Pollie never showed up
363
00:13:44,387 --> 00:13:47,178
because you weren't looking
in the right place!
364
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:50,595
Okay, I am a grown man, and the
President of the United States.
365
00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:52,095
I will not
be made a fool of!
366
00:13:52,178 --> 00:13:55,428
[gasps] Pollie's footsteps!
Over there in the dirt!
367
00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:57,762
Where?! Where?! Where?! Oh, my
God! I'm peeing! I'm peeing!
368
00:13:57,845 --> 00:14:00,720
See, Mr. President?
Pollie was here!
369
00:14:00,804 --> 00:14:03,595
Thank God! I was starting
to get embarrassed for you.
370
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:07,136
Remember, Mitch --
two Supreme Court justices.
371
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:08,595
Remember, you have to
372
00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,470
keep Pollie secret,
because if you don't...
373
00:14:10,553 --> 00:14:12,637
I know, I know.
I'll turn into jelly.
374
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,053
Don't worry! I would
never do that to Pollie.
375
00:14:15,136 --> 00:14:18,303
I have a little crush
on Pollie.
376
00:14:18,387 --> 00:14:22,053
Alright! Stupid mission
accomplished!
377
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,553
[Obama] Uh, you must be from
the Nevada Chamber of Commerce?
378
00:14:26,637 --> 00:14:29,929
Well, I just wanted to discuss
the aim of the Obama Foundation,
379
00:14:30,011 --> 00:14:32,970
uh, which is, uh, you know,
to turn the youth of today,
380
00:14:33,053 --> 00:14:35,512
uh, into the citizens
of the world tomorrow.
381
00:14:35,595 --> 00:14:37,387
-What?
-L-Let me start over.
382
00:14:37,470 --> 00:14:39,637
I think I could have used
some more precise adverbs.
383
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,845
Aw, geez!
Barack's biffin' it!
384
00:14:41,929 --> 00:14:44,303
Uh, so, in "Settlers of Catan,"
each player has a resource --
385
00:14:44,387 --> 00:14:45,970
brick, wool, grain.
386
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:49,345
Hey, Buster! Nice hat! You
hold up a rodeo this morning?
387
00:14:49,428 --> 00:14:52,345
[both laughing]
Very funny, young man!
388
00:14:52,428 --> 00:14:54,428
What my buddy Barack's
trying to say is
389
00:14:54,512 --> 00:14:56,136
shell out, and
you'll make a buncha kids
390
00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:58,762
happier than the first time
they saw Wonder Woman
391
00:14:58,845 --> 00:15:00,261
snap her big ol' whip!
392
00:15:00,345 --> 00:15:02,512
Ha! Now, this guy I understand,
because he looks like me
393
00:15:02,595 --> 00:15:04,303
and says things
I might say.
394
00:15:04,387 --> 00:15:07,345
I'd like to write you
a check for $40,000.
395
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:10,845
♪ joyful music swells ♪
396
00:15:10,929 --> 00:15:12,637
[President Trump]
Listen, Maggie Haberman.
397
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,970
My internal poll shows me
beating Biden and Warren
398
00:15:15,053 --> 00:15:17,345
by double-digit margins
in every swing state.
399
00:15:17,428 --> 00:15:18,970
We'll get that on
NewYorkTimes.com
400
00:15:19,053 --> 00:15:20,345
as soon as we can.
401
00:15:20,428 --> 00:15:21,553
Great. And get this --
402
00:15:21,637 --> 00:15:23,428
My internal poll --
Sorry. Pollie --
403
00:15:23,512 --> 00:15:25,595
ate all the mascara
I left out
404
00:15:25,679 --> 00:15:28,345
and half
the disgusting scrunchie.
405
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,011
Maggie? You there?
406
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,970
Oh, I'm here.
Just...taking notes.
407
00:15:32,053 --> 00:15:35,095
Don't! Kellyanne said we have to
keep Pollie's existence secret,
408
00:15:35,178 --> 00:15:37,053
or its magic will disappear
and I'll turn into jelly.
409
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,220
Do I have your word?
410
00:15:38,303 --> 00:15:39,887
Yes, Mr. President.
Good!
411
00:15:39,970 --> 00:15:41,595
Now, which one of
my Rust Belt racists
412
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,053
is getting a sympathetic profile
in Sunday's magazine?
413
00:15:44,136 --> 00:15:45,720
♪
414
00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:47,887
I forgot what a great
schmoozer you are
415
00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:50,387
when it comes to a particularly
pigmented type of everyman.
416
00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:52,929
I got a way with whites!
Uh, so, uh...
417
00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:54,762
no one bid
on Branson's jetpack
418
00:15:54,845 --> 00:15:57,011
after they found out
he wore it nude.
419
00:15:57,095 --> 00:15:59,762
-You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
-Hell yeah!
420
00:15:59,845 --> 00:16:01,929
[rocket hissing]
421
00:16:02,011 --> 00:16:04,720
Whoo!
I feel like a drone!
422
00:16:04,804 --> 00:16:08,053
Yup! And you just
violated my airspace!
423
00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:09,845
Aw! Crap!
424
00:16:09,929 --> 00:16:11,595
[both chuckle]
425
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,178
♪
426
00:16:13,261 --> 00:16:15,553
[Biden] Aw, geez!
That was fun!
427
00:16:15,637 --> 00:16:17,762
I got old pennies
in every crevice!
428
00:16:17,845 --> 00:16:20,553
I've enjoyed spending one-on-one
time with you tonight.
429
00:16:20,637 --> 00:16:22,762
Usually, I'm more of
a one-on-50,000 type.
430
00:16:22,845 --> 00:16:24,261
We're opposites, huh?
431
00:16:24,345 --> 00:16:26,387
You're a locked diary
full of smart crap,
432
00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:29,220
and I'm an open book that's the
same length as the yellow pages
433
00:16:29,303 --> 00:16:31,387
and makes just as much
narrative sense.
434
00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:33,845
Hmm. Maybe a candidate
like you
435
00:16:33,929 --> 00:16:36,679
is just what this quirky,
mixed-up, ungrateful,
436
00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:38,261
backwards country needs.
437
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,637
Joe, I want to
438
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:40,845
endorse you for...
Best friend?
439
00:16:40,929 --> 00:16:42,637
...President of
the United States!
440
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,762
Aw, shit.
I-I mean, thanks.
441
00:16:44,845 --> 00:16:46,720
Yeah, that --
that's what I wanted.
442
00:16:46,804 --> 00:16:49,136
Now that that's settled,
I should get back to Michelle.
443
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,178
She's been holding plank
position since I left her.
444
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,804
♪
445
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:54,970
I'll be home in 20.
446
00:16:55,053 --> 00:16:57,136
Just keep your core
rock-solid until then.
447
00:16:57,220 --> 00:16:59,011
Hey, what if we kept
hanging out?
448
00:16:59,095 --> 00:17:01,345
I know a place that does
indoor skydiving!
449
00:17:01,428 --> 00:17:03,679
My cousin Ron-Jon said
if you do it right,
450
00:17:03,762 --> 00:17:05,178
you can spit
in your own face.
451
00:17:05,261 --> 00:17:06,970
Joe, you got
my endorsement.
452
00:17:07,053 --> 00:17:08,804
Can I at least
get a ride?
453
00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:10,470
We could stick our heads
out the window!
454
00:17:10,553 --> 00:17:11,679
You have your own car
right there.
455
00:17:11,762 --> 00:17:14,512
Aw, come on!
Yours is warmer!
456
00:17:14,595 --> 00:17:17,220
♪
457
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:20,470
[cabinet members]
♪ For she's a jolly good liar ♪
458
00:17:20,553 --> 00:17:23,428
♪ Which nobody can deny! ♪
459
00:17:23,512 --> 00:17:26,095
This one almost killed me,
but I pulled it off.
460
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:28,804
Let's pop the top
on a bottle of SlurryGal!
461
00:17:28,887 --> 00:17:30,637
-The master at work!
-Oh, you are good!
462
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,470
[President Trump]
Kellyanne! What the hell
463
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:35,178
is Anderson Cooper
talking about?!
464
00:17:35,261 --> 00:17:37,845
Ugh! Drink it without me.
That stuff doesn't keep.
465
00:17:37,929 --> 00:17:40,011
[Cooper]
As if things couldn't get
466
00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:42,178
any more embarrassing
for the President,
467
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:43,512
who recently tweeted at
468
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:45,053
deceased dictator
Augusto Pinochet
469
00:17:45,136 --> 00:17:46,720
wishing him
a "blessed Thanksgiving,"
470
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,720
the Times is reporting
that President Trump
471
00:17:48,804 --> 00:17:50,929
believes in fairy tales
and magic.
472
00:17:51,011 --> 00:17:53,178
I'm the laughingstock
of the make-believe community!
473
00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:55,261
This is further proof
that the President
474
00:17:55,345 --> 00:17:57,845
is a big dumb baby
who believes in the Tooth Fairy
475
00:17:57,929 --> 00:17:59,512
and wee-wees his wittle diaper.
476
00:17:59,595 --> 00:18:00,804
My diaper is not wittle!
477
00:18:00,887 --> 00:18:02,512
Trust me --
there are no complaints.
478
00:18:02,595 --> 00:18:03,845
Right, Kellyanne?
Big diaper?
479
00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:05,845
What did Pollie say
about my diaper?
480
00:18:05,929 --> 00:18:07,679
Aaaaaah!
Kellyanne? Pollie loves me.
481
00:18:07,762 --> 00:18:09,178
Right?
Enough!
482
00:18:09,261 --> 00:18:12,970
There is no internal poll!
There is no Pollie!
483
00:18:13,053 --> 00:18:15,512
Get it through
your big fat baby brain!
484
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,387
[gasps] You lied to me!
How could you?
485
00:18:18,470 --> 00:18:20,220
Job security?
That's it --
486
00:18:20,303 --> 00:18:22,261
I'm running away to
the wrong side of the tracks,
487
00:18:22,345 --> 00:18:23,929
but I don't want
to leave this room,
488
00:18:24,011 --> 00:18:26,178
so this is now
the wrong side of the tracks.
489
00:18:26,261 --> 00:18:28,387
Do not come
looking for me!
490
00:18:28,470 --> 00:18:30,178
♪
491
00:18:30,261 --> 00:18:32,011
[executive 2] Alright.
It's Barack! Very cool.
492
00:18:32,095 --> 00:18:33,887
Welcome back to Netflix.
Whaddaya got for us?
493
00:18:33,970 --> 00:18:35,762
It's called
Separated at Bark.
494
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,720
It's me, a litter
of Goldendoodles,
495
00:18:37,804 --> 00:18:39,762
and some questions about
nature versus nurture.
496
00:18:39,845 --> 00:18:40,929
Hey, I got a pitch!
497
00:18:41,011 --> 00:18:43,428
It's called Betrayal!
Ooh, great title.
498
00:18:43,512 --> 00:18:46,220
It's about a guy who thought
he and another guy were friends.
499
00:18:46,303 --> 00:18:48,178
But then the second guy
didn't want to hang out
500
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,887
with the first guy
anymore!
501
00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:52,261
But the second guy gave
the first guy what he wanted,
502
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,845
even though the first guy
spent the last decade
503
00:18:54,929 --> 00:18:57,095
reveling in the collective
goodwill of the second guy.
504
00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,970
These guys are...
also Goldendoodles?
505
00:18:59,053 --> 00:19:01,220
They're president
and vice president.
506
00:19:01,303 --> 00:19:02,804
Let's get Robert Duvall
for the president!
507
00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:04,929
Ooh! And let's have him play
the vice president, too!
508
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,428
Like an
Eddie Murphy-type thing!
509
00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:07,679
You mean Mike Myers?
510
00:19:07,762 --> 00:19:08,804
[Obama and Biden]
Eddie did it first!
511
00:19:08,887 --> 00:19:10,929
♪
512
00:19:11,011 --> 00:19:13,428
This is fun, right?!
It's like you're a drone!
513
00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:15,679
Are you working through
something, Mr. Vice President?
514
00:19:15,762 --> 00:19:17,970
Speaking of, could I maybe
be your vice president?
515
00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:19,804
Airspace violation!
516
00:19:19,887 --> 00:19:22,762
Now you drone me!
It's fun! See?!
517
00:19:22,845 --> 00:19:25,470
My idea of fun is lifting up
the American people.
518
00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:28,595
That no matter our differences,
we are all one nation...
519
00:19:28,679 --> 00:19:31,053
Geez, folks!
This guy sucks!
520
00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:33,011
♪ jazz intro plays ♪
521
00:19:33,095 --> 00:19:36,762
♪
522
00:19:36,845 --> 00:19:39,553
♪ No more shared ice creams ♪
523
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:42,470
♪ With Barack Hassan ♪
524
00:19:42,553 --> 00:19:45,345
♪ The magic of friendship ♪
525
00:19:45,428 --> 00:19:48,303
♪ Is gone ♪
526
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:50,261
[President Trump]
♪ My hundred and four percent ♪
527
00:19:50,345 --> 00:19:51,637
♪ Approval ratings ♪
528
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,470
♪ Were second to none ♪
529
00:19:54,553 --> 00:19:57,178
♪ But the magic of Pollie ♪
530
00:19:57,261 --> 00:19:59,303
♪ Is gone ♪
531
00:19:59,387 --> 00:20:00,553
♪
532
00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:02,178
♪ Friendship ♪
533
00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:03,512
♪ Pollie ♪
534
00:20:03,595 --> 00:20:06,679
[both]
♪ The magic is ♪
535
00:20:06,762 --> 00:20:10,428
♪ Gone ♪
536
00:20:10,512 --> 00:20:12,762
[Biden] Ugh.
Barack. Couch.
537
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,470
[Obama laughing]
TV. Room.
538
00:20:14,553 --> 00:20:18,053
C'mon! Let's go show Barack
that I don't need him anymore!
539
00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:19,178
[doorbell rings]
540
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:21,470
Hey! Oh, hey, Michelle.
Is Barack home?
541
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,720
I wanted to show him
my new best friend,
542
00:20:23,804 --> 00:20:25,053
Beto something-or-other.
543
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:27,011
I'll see if I can
pry him off the couch.
544
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,970
He's on hour six of The
Great British Baking Show.
545
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:30,595
[Obama]
Chocolate ganache?
546
00:20:30,679 --> 00:20:32,261
In this heat?
You gotta be kiddin' me.
547
00:20:32,345 --> 00:20:34,095
Who's he watching with?
Richard Branson?
548
00:20:34,178 --> 00:20:36,095
Richard's just
a vacation friend.
549
00:20:36,178 --> 00:20:38,095
Barack really doesn't have
any other friends besides me.
550
00:20:38,178 --> 00:20:39,679
I almost wish he'd
start smoking again
551
00:20:39,762 --> 00:20:42,011
so he could hang out with one of
the neighbors on the sidewalk.
552
00:20:42,095 --> 00:20:43,845
[Obama] Michelle!
Who's at the door?!
553
00:20:43,929 --> 00:20:45,887
Is that my tom yum soup?!
Do you want to come in?
554
00:20:45,970 --> 00:20:47,553
Please! I have
so much to learn.
555
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:48,845
Nah. That's okay.
556
00:20:48,929 --> 00:20:50,970
Aw, geez.
Poor Barack Obama.
557
00:20:51,053 --> 00:20:53,011
No friends, eating
made-up fantasy soup.
558
00:20:53,095 --> 00:20:54,679
Uh, we should go.
Come on, Beto.
559
00:20:54,762 --> 00:20:56,345
I'll drop you off
at the skatepark
560
00:20:56,428 --> 00:20:58,178
with the rest
of the middle-school teachers.
561
00:20:58,261 --> 00:21:00,136
[new wave music
playing on stereo]
562
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:02,845
So you guys know, like,
the internal poll isn't real?
563
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,887
It's something
a bunch of boomers
564
00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:07,512
made up to conform us
or whatever.
565
00:21:07,595 --> 00:21:08,929
[wailing]
But why would Mrs. Conway
566
00:21:09,011 --> 00:21:10,512
lie to you like that?!
567
00:21:10,595 --> 00:21:12,220
[sobbing]
That is so messed up!
568
00:21:12,303 --> 00:21:15,929
If this poll isn't real,
then what else isn't real?!
569
00:21:16,011 --> 00:21:18,303
[inhales sharply, coughs]
I know.
570
00:21:18,387 --> 00:21:20,762
It's making me question
a lot of things lately.
571
00:21:20,845 --> 00:21:23,178
I mean, what even is
an approval rating?
572
00:21:23,261 --> 00:21:25,720
Maybe the immigrants
are the good guys.
573
00:21:25,804 --> 00:21:27,220
Dad, you're scaring me!
574
00:21:27,303 --> 00:21:28,887
[banging on door]
[Conway] Mr. President!
575
00:21:28,970 --> 00:21:31,720
I'm sorry!
Or whatever people say!
576
00:21:31,804 --> 00:21:34,220
Go away!
I'm talking to my friends!
577
00:21:34,303 --> 00:21:36,261
[President Trump] I'm probably
not even gonna celebrate
578
00:21:36,345 --> 00:21:37,679
Election Day this year.
579
00:21:37,762 --> 00:21:40,553
♪ somber music plays ♪
580
00:21:40,637 --> 00:21:45,220
♪ The magic is gone ♪
581
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:47,178
What kind of
White House advisor
582
00:21:47,261 --> 00:21:49,387
can't convince a speed freak
with holes in his brain
583
00:21:49,470 --> 00:21:52,845
that an anthropomorphic
internal poll exists?
584
00:21:52,929 --> 00:21:55,512
[twinkling]
585
00:21:55,595 --> 00:21:57,845
[gasps] Idea!
586
00:21:57,929 --> 00:22:00,637
♪ mellow music plays ♪
587
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,261
[Conway]
"Dear Mr. President,
588
00:22:02,345 --> 00:22:05,178
I just got to hold
my newborn son in my arms,
589
00:22:05,261 --> 00:22:06,762
and that experience was dogshit
590
00:22:06,845 --> 00:22:09,345
compared to the experience
of voting for you.
591
00:22:09,428 --> 00:22:11,095
Love always, Blaise Furtasch.
592
00:22:11,178 --> 00:22:13,595
Age -- I don't know -- 62."
593
00:22:13,679 --> 00:22:15,387
"No quid pro quo!"
594
00:22:15,470 --> 00:22:16,845
"I actually really like
that you harassed
595
00:22:16,929 --> 00:22:18,470
all 25 of those women."
596
00:22:18,553 --> 00:22:20,762
"Wow! You're so tall!"
597
00:22:20,845 --> 00:22:22,095
"I love the way
your shirt tails
598
00:22:22,178 --> 00:22:23,679
stick out of the bottom
of your pants."
599
00:22:23,762 --> 00:22:27,845
"I'm not afraid to be racist
to my coworkers anymore."
600
00:22:27,929 --> 00:22:30,136
♪
601
00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:32,220
[snores]
602
00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,762
[sleepily] The President...
total exoneration...
603
00:22:36,845 --> 00:22:39,178
could beat [snores]
any baby at basketball.
604
00:22:39,261 --> 00:22:40,345
[snorting]
605
00:22:40,428 --> 00:22:41,512
[twinkling]
606
00:22:41,595 --> 00:22:42,970
[intense music plays]
607
00:22:43,053 --> 00:22:44,470
It's me, Cuomo Prime Time!
608
00:22:44,553 --> 00:22:47,053
Joe Biden and his guy Barack
are on a one-way rocket ride
609
00:22:47,136 --> 00:22:48,637
to Toiletsville.
See for yourself.
610
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,261
-Mr. Vice President!
-Excuse me! Sir!
611
00:22:50,345 --> 00:22:52,387
Turns out, Barack and I aren't
friends anymore. Geez.
612
00:22:52,470 --> 00:22:55,261
Anyways, I'm not gonna
bother him for his endorsement,
613
00:22:55,345 --> 00:22:58,470
so vote for me purely for
my supreme mental agility.
614
00:22:58,553 --> 00:23:01,136
Anybody else hear my mom
calling me home for dinner?!
615
00:23:01,220 --> 00:23:03,679
Looks like he doesn't need me
anymore. I'm honestly relieved.
616
00:23:03,762 --> 00:23:05,720
Now it's just you, me,
617
00:23:05,804 --> 00:23:07,178
and this Death Star
Lego set
618
00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:09,470
I thought we could
meticulously assemble.
619
00:23:09,553 --> 00:23:12,345
Actually, Valerie Jarrett and I
have tickets to Magic Mike Live.
620
00:23:12,428 --> 00:23:13,804
-Can I tag along?
-No.
621
00:23:13,887 --> 00:23:16,178
[door closes]
622
00:23:16,261 --> 00:23:19,095
I'll just go get some
ice cream. By myself.
623
00:23:19,178 --> 00:23:23,011
♪ sad music plays ♪
624
00:23:23,095 --> 00:23:25,679
[Biden] New guy's
eatin' a ham sandwich!
625
00:23:25,762 --> 00:23:28,011
I feel like a drone!
626
00:23:28,095 --> 00:23:32,095
I'm gonna run
for president, huh?
627
00:23:32,178 --> 00:23:33,679
In other news,
CNN just released a poll
628
00:23:33,762 --> 00:23:36,261
showing the President's approval
rating at an all-time suck.
629
00:23:36,345 --> 00:23:37,679
Only way to cheer up from that?
630
00:23:37,762 --> 00:23:38,929
Boom -- new couch.
631
00:23:39,011 --> 00:23:40,178
"All-time suck"?! Ugh!
632
00:23:40,261 --> 00:23:43,095
Am I gonna lose
the job I hate?
633
00:23:43,178 --> 00:23:45,887
Kellyanne! Kellyanne!
Come quick!
634
00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:47,887
It's a polling miracle!
635
00:23:47,970 --> 00:23:49,512
-Over here!
-Mr. President! Mr. President!
636
00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:51,929
A lot of people have been saying
that I believe in magic,
637
00:23:52,011 --> 00:23:54,220
that I once beefed so hard
in an elevator
638
00:23:54,303 --> 00:23:57,512
that the sprinklers went off,
that I believe in fairy tales.
639
00:23:57,595 --> 00:24:00,887
I'm here to tell you
that my internal poll is real,
640
00:24:00,970 --> 00:24:03,261
and it says that
I'm more popular than ever!
641
00:24:03,345 --> 00:24:04,887
Here it is!
Whaaah?
642
00:24:04,970 --> 00:24:07,220
Some people have
internal polls inside them
643
00:24:07,303 --> 00:24:09,637
called self-worth
or some stupid bullshit.
644
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,762
But I don't need that,
because I have my internal poll
645
00:24:12,845 --> 00:24:14,679
to tell me why I am good.
646
00:24:14,762 --> 00:24:17,095
Oh, wow! It's me!
647
00:24:17,178 --> 00:24:19,303
Who's your internal poll,
Jim Acosta?
648
00:24:19,387 --> 00:24:21,303
My friend Louis. He always
compliments my ties
649
00:24:21,387 --> 00:24:22,720
even when I know
they're bad.
650
00:24:22,804 --> 00:24:24,387
Okay. Shut up.
Back to me.
651
00:24:24,470 --> 00:24:26,512
You see, the people
in our lives that lie to us
652
00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:29,303
in exchange for money,
power, and airtime,
653
00:24:29,387 --> 00:24:31,387
they're the real internal polls.
654
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:32,970
And to me, that's magic.
655
00:24:33,053 --> 00:24:35,220
[Acosta] Right,
but the latest
656
00:24:35,303 --> 00:24:36,345
Quinnipiac poll
shows you losing in --
657
00:24:36,428 --> 00:24:37,970
Okay, get the fuck
out of my house.
658
00:24:38,053 --> 00:24:39,720
Kellyanne!
Get 'em out!
659
00:24:39,804 --> 00:24:41,929
The White House is currently
being engulfed in flames.
660
00:24:42,011 --> 00:24:44,178
Please exit immediately,
or you will be arrested
661
00:24:44,261 --> 00:24:46,303
for aiding and abetting
a fire!
662
00:24:46,387 --> 00:24:49,261
[press corps
groaning and muttering]
663
00:24:49,345 --> 00:24:50,970
[chatter]
664
00:24:51,053 --> 00:24:52,345
So this Super Tuesday,
665
00:24:52,428 --> 00:24:54,512
let's think about
all the great stuff I did
666
00:24:54,595 --> 00:24:56,595
before I ever worked
for Barack Obama.
667
00:24:56,679 --> 00:24:59,345
Hey, did I ever tell you
about my other best friend?
668
00:24:59,428 --> 00:25:01,428
A nice fella
named Strom Thurmond!
669
00:25:01,512 --> 00:25:02,887
[crowd booing loudly]
670
00:25:02,970 --> 00:25:05,178
[Obama] Joe. Stop.
[crowd cheering]
671
00:25:05,261 --> 00:25:07,136
Barack!
What are you doin' here?
672
00:25:07,220 --> 00:25:09,095
I thought you'd
given up on me!
673
00:25:09,178 --> 00:25:11,261
I was eating ice cream alone,
when I spilled
674
00:25:11,345 --> 00:25:13,720
a big glob of vanilla bean
on my running tights.
675
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,303
What a dweeb!
Sorry. Go on.
676
00:25:15,387 --> 00:25:17,345
And it made me realize
that I want to tell
677
00:25:17,428 --> 00:25:19,929
these fine people about
the Joe Biden I know,
678
00:25:20,011 --> 00:25:22,470
the Joe Biden who slapped me
so hard on the ass
679
00:25:22,553 --> 00:25:25,512
after we passed Obamacare,
my stool was red for a week.
680
00:25:25,595 --> 00:25:27,136
[applause]
681
00:25:27,220 --> 00:25:29,637
Uh, and the guy who rubbed
enough crusty old elbows
682
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,011
to help me pass Obamacare
in the first place,
683
00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:33,637
may it rest in peace.
684
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,512
So, as a tribute to my closest
personal work friend,
685
00:25:37,595 --> 00:25:40,637
I'd like to endorse Joe Biden
for Vice President
686
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,845
from 2008 to 2016!
687
00:25:43,929 --> 00:25:46,220
[crowd cheering]
Thanks, folks!
688
00:25:46,303 --> 00:25:49,303
And thank you, Barack,
for once again letting me
689
00:25:49,387 --> 00:25:53,387
clamp down on your coattails
with my big fake horse teeth!
690
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:55,261
[cheers and applause]
691
00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:58,220
[Conway]
Hey, Mr. President.
692
00:25:58,303 --> 00:26:00,470
Thanks for not firing
my mean ass.
693
00:26:00,553 --> 00:26:02,762
Eh. Don't worry about it.
You'll get me back whenever.
694
00:26:02,845 --> 00:26:05,387
Okay, Mr. President, it's time
for your flattery enema!
695
00:26:05,470 --> 00:26:07,512
Open wide!
We'll do two tomorrow.
696
00:26:07,595 --> 00:26:10,303
Right now we gotta find
that internal poll!
697
00:26:10,387 --> 00:26:12,428
You get the flashlight.
I'll get the stun gun.
698
00:26:12,512 --> 00:26:15,387
Wait. What the fuck?! What about
all that stuff you just said?
699
00:26:15,470 --> 00:26:17,595
I was getting the press
off our tail.
700
00:26:17,679 --> 00:26:19,345
♪ Ohhhh, Polllliiieee ♪
701
00:26:19,428 --> 00:26:21,053
♪ Where are you? ♪
702
00:26:21,136 --> 00:26:22,387
[Conway]
I have enough for a book.
703
00:26:22,470 --> 00:26:24,178
I don't know why the fuck
I'm still here.
704
00:26:24,261 --> 00:26:25,512
['80s-style pop music plays]
705
00:26:25,595 --> 00:26:28,595
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
706
00:26:28,679 --> 00:26:32,303
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
707
00:26:32,387 --> 00:26:34,762
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
708
00:26:34,845 --> 00:26:36,387
♪ Yes, he is ♪
709
00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:39,345
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
710
00:26:39,428 --> 00:26:42,011
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
711
00:26:42,095 --> 00:26:43,762
♪ Yes, he is ♪
712
00:26:43,845 --> 00:26:46,387
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
713
00:26:46,470 --> 00:26:51,929
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
714
00:26:53,762 --> 00:26:55,345
♪ Donald Trump ♪
715
00:26:55,428 --> 00:26:58,887
♪ He is our president ♪
716
00:26:58,970 --> 00:27:02,136
♪ We made him president ♪
717
00:27:02,220 --> 00:27:04,387
♪ We did it ♪
718
00:27:04,470 --> 00:27:08,428
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
719
00:27:08,512 --> 00:27:11,387
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
720
00:27:11,470 --> 00:27:15,053
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
721
00:27:15,136 --> 00:27:18,720
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
722
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:22,428
♪ Yeah ♪
723
00:27:22,512 --> 00:27:24,595
Trump!
55907
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