All language subtitles for Nerdland.2016.720p.WEBRip.AAC.2.0.x264-SRG

Chirp.

Man: Tonight, at long last,
the city of Los Angeles

and corporate sponsor the
fluffy time biscuit company

will finally unveil the new,
improved Hollywood sign.

Aah!

Aah!

Hey.

Wake up.

Elliot, wake up!

Aah! Oh, it's dick titty.

Oh.
Sorry. Morning, John.

Morning, Elliot.

You might want
to wish me luck today.

Okay, well, here it comes.
Good luck, John.

Don't you want to know

why you're wishing me
luck today?

Did you ask me
to wish you luck?

I happen
to have a very important
meeting this afternoon

with Brett Anderson.

Bullshit.

- I do.
- Really?

I'm meeting Brett Anderson.

You're gonna
meet Brett Anderson?

You're meeting the actor
Brett fucking Anderson?

The star of murder games,
middle name danger,

and rock paper scissors
murder seriously?

Could be our
ticket to the big time.

Oh. Better not
keep him waiting.

All right! All right, hey,

you go knock him dead,
Mr. fancy pants.

I'm going to get some writing
done before my shift.

Ah, slave to a fickle muse, eh?

I leave you to it, my friend.

Ah.

Okay.

Oh! Mocking white rectangle.

Agony of spinning yarns

from nothing
but sheer imagination.

And for what? For what?

Will anyone ever begin
to appreciate my genius?

Will they ever
be worthy of it?

Don't think about that.

Do your pages.

Do your pages.

Here we go.

Day.

Naked ladies gyrate--
y-r-a-t-e.

Their huge boobs are bouncing.

Uh, no. No. Da-da-da-da-da.

Yes.

Bosoms. Much classier.

Their bosoms bounce

like great jiggly melons.

An angry old man
enters the club.

This is...

Yeah, okay.

He brandishes a large...

What kind of filthy, sinful
world have I awakened to?

Van winkle opens fire!

Boom! Boom!

Okay. That's--
that's enough for today.

Stop when you're hot.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the muse
has left the building.

Won't be long now, mo.

The teats are full inflatable.

No time for romance
today, I'm afraid.

It'll just have to be a--

woman, knocking:
Hello, Elliot.

It's Mrs. mccullers
from next door.

John said you're home,

and I've baked you my famous
lady Baltimore cake.

You baked--
you baked a cake?

Oh, okay. Well, I'm--

I'm a bit indisposed
right now, Mrs. mccullers.

Uh, can you just leave it
on the doorstep right there?

The birds will get it.

- What?
- Aah! Penis!

What the--

uh, Brett,
this is John Truman.

Yeah, yeah. Nice to,
uh, nice to meet you.

Five minutes, Mr. Truman.

Well, let's get down
to, uh, brass tacks, then.

Uh, shall we? Okay.
So, uh, question 1.

When you yourself go
to the movies, Mr. Anderson--

uh, or Brett--
may I call you Brett?

Yeah.
Yeah, you know what?

I, uh, I'd prefer
you didn't.

I see. Well, as I was saying,

uh, when you yourself
attend a moving picture,

what would you say is your
favorite fountain drink?

Pardon me?

Which beverage do you
find most refreshing

as a rule of thumb?

Uh...

You know,
I'm not really sure

what this has to do
with my new movie

rock paper scissors
murder,

but, uh, you know,
if you have any questions

about this...

I'd be glad to answer them.

Of course. Moving on.

Question 2. As both an artist

and an aficionado
of the cinema,

do you prefer your popcorn

with or without
butter-flavored topping?

Mr. Truman, exactly
which, uh, publication

do you represent?

I'm employed
by concessionaire monthly,

the magazine of the theatrical
food service industry.

Okay, you'd better
come with me.

Okay. Yes.
But you know what?

Mr. Truman--

if I could have
one moment, Brett,

I've got a screenplay
you'd be perfect for.

- Security!
- Oh, god.

Now, I didn't write it.
My roommate Elliot did.

But it's a real page Turner.

It's a tad long, right?
400 pages.

Uh, but it's dramatic
and touching.

It's laugh-out-loud funny.

Funny yet real.
It's about a ufo investigator

played by you
who-- spoiler alert--

falls in love with
the alien he's chasing.

Mr. Truman, time's up.

Sweat outside, please.

Yes. Except, Brett,
you know what?

I'm not only a reporter.
I'm also a fellow actor.

There's a part
in the script.

It's the investigator's
skeptical sidekick.

Here. These headshots will
give you an idea of my range.

Listen, I have to ask--
ooh, I'll get those.

Oh!

Oh!

Uh, well,
thank you, Brett.

My number's
with the materials.
Call any time!

Fired from separate jobs,
both of us,

on the exact same day again?

What are the odds of that
happening three times?

Astronomical. But how could he
have fired you, Elliot?

- I mean, why?
- Who knows?

That sadistic son of a bitch

has had me in his crosshairs
since day 1.

It could have been any
of a hundred

imagined transgressions
in that lunatic's head.

Dude, I've been fired
from a video store,

a bowling alley,
a comic book shop,

and an ice cream parlor.

I'm running
out of dream jobs.

You know what would
lift our spirits?

Us brightening the girls'
day with a surprise visit.

How can this many
people be shopping

in the middle
of the week?

What are they, all welfare
cheats and screenwriters?

I thought the economy's
supposed to be in the toilet.

Doesn't anyone
have a job anymore?

Takers!

Hey, I heard
we might miscontinue

the all-cotton knee-high.

What? Why? No way.
Who said?

Mm-hmm, yeah, hey, but just
keep it under your hat, okay?

Uh, ahem.

Mr. Kelly told me

in the strictest
of confidence.

Oh, it's such a sad day.

What are we going
to do tonight?

Mm, is "celebrity
jousting" on?

- We're dvring it.
- Yes. Good. Okay.

All right, what about this?

We make over
our busty lesbian avatars,

go virtual clubbing,

and watch the pervert
feeding frenzy begin.

Aka Wednesday. Genius!

- Ew!
- Oh, god.

Afternoon, ladies.

W-what's up? Hi.

Uh, yeah. Hi.

Hello, Linda.

You girls working hard
or hardly working?

Ha!

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

Sorry to, uh, walk in

and interrupt everybody
talking to each other,

enjoying-- ahem.

Linda, register.

Thank you.

I didn't see you here
yesterday.

That's because I wasn't here.

You know what you should do?

You should make a--

you should xerox
your, uh, schedule,

make a copy of it, and I'll
just have it with me

- so I'll always know--
- no. Mm-mm.

I'm helping customers,

so I can't really
stand around

just, like, talking
to some random--

no problem. I'll just--

I'll just do
some shopping.

Ahem. So, uh, I was--

I was chilling with
Brett Anderson today.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, he's great.

He's a great guy,
really, really nice.

He's a little
full of himself,

to be honest.

And short. Shorter than
he looks in the movies,

that's for sure.
He stands--

he's probably,
like, 4-- 4'2".

Anyway, uh, he and i
are considering

taking a project
into active
development together.

I don't care.

Uh, yeah. Before you--
before you, uh, flee,

I have a question.
I was just wondering.

Um...Oh, god,
I'm not good at this.

What I'm trying
to say is, uh--

you know what?
I would love to--

oh.

Well, I finally cracked
that horror script

I was telling you about.

Remember that one
Van winkle?

It's a present-day retelling--

...of Washington Irving's
classic

tale of rip Van winkle,
which is public domain,

but, uh, when he wakes up
in my version, though,

he finds modern society
so objectionable,

he starts killing everyone.

It-- I find it to be
sort of a post-modern--

$15.32, please.

Uh, you know what, Linda?
When are we gonna get together

for another double date?
That's what I want to know.

We can't have
another double date

because we never had one date.

You just followed us to
the movies and sat behind us.

Listen, Linda, i--

I realize I'm no prize.

I mean, look at me.

I-- but I want you to know

just maybe, one of these days,

John and I are going
to do something special.

We're going to make
a name for ourselves.

Will you go away now?

Anyhow,
n-nice seeing you. Bye.

Uh, no, yo.

You decide because
every time I pick it,

you don't like
the place I pick

and it's a whole
thing, so just--

no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

Go on, really. It's fine.

I'll settle for anything.

For an-- oh. Okay.

Well, how about
hamburger junction?

Oh. Seriously?
Hamburger junction?

We always eat
at hamburger junction.

I'm sick to death
of hamburger junction.

What about der noodle?

No, we had German yesterday.

- Clucky's chicken?
- No.

- Snack world.
- Oh, no.

- Pancake brothers?
- No.

- Just soup.
- Fuck, no.

Finger food connection,
where good food is always

- at your fingertips.
- Uh-uh.

- Pita, Paul, and Mary.
- No.

- Jim dandy's.
- Negative.

B.J. O'williedoodle's.

No, I got diarrhea
last time.

- Jolly onion.
- Nope.

Fondue hut.
Chop-chop Chinese.

Unidentified flying pizza.

- One of those.
- No, no, no.

What was the name
of that place?

That one place that we
went to that one time?

The Dutch omelet.

No, but that sounds
interesting.

Where is that? Is that
Burbank? Glendale?

I'm sorry.
That sounds interesting?

- Yeah.
- I-- I made that one up.

Welcome to hamburger junction.

Would you like to see
our specials?

- Choo-choo--
- we'll need another
minute. Thanks.

Do you know what this is?

It's a birthday card
from my parents.

I'm 30 years old tomorrow.

Happy birthday.

No. Unhappy birthday.

After tomorrow,
we're both 30, Elliot.

Do you know how old
30 is in Hollywood?

When you're in your 20s,

being an aimless loser
is forgiven.

It's even encouraged.

But not when you're
in your 30s.

Oh, man, you can't give up.

I mean, 30 is the new 12.
Think of it that way.

I mean, you just-- you just
have to believe in yourself.

Oh, please. That's something
your parents tell you

because if you think
that you can become
the president one day,

maybe you won't
be a drug dealer
or a pimp.

Uh, every t--
every time, John,

there's the slightest setback,
you get like this.

I can-- I can
set my watch by it, man.

Remember
your acting instructor?
Remember when he said

there was absolutely
nothing he could teach you?

Remember that?

You're damn right he did.

And didn't he practically

throw you out
of his class that day?

That was his way
of saying "go. Get out.

Get out there
and start acting."

And your screenwriting
teacher.

I mean, he did call you
his greatest student.

He spent all of those long
hours working with you.

Nights at his condo
on his own time.

He'd still be
mentoring you to this day

if he hadn't been
jailed for providing
alcohol to minors.

Exactly. Talent
is not our problem.

You and i-- and not to sound
a little pretentious here--

we have got
ass-loads of talent.

That doesn't sound
pretentious.

What we need is opportunity.

Yeah. Hello, world.
Here we are. Thank you.

You're fucking up.

Look at the guy
who created "the bloops."

He turned a bunch of homemade
cartoon videos on the Internet

into an empire.

The bloops are everywhere.

Now there's even
a bloops charity

for disadvantaged kids.

God, I hate the bloops.

What will it really take

for us to get a little
face time with America?

I mean, nowadays everyone's
posting videos online

of their-- their dog farting
or their kid burping.

I love the one

where the burping kid's
riding the farting dog.

I mean, millions of
folks around the world

are on the Internet watching
all of those infantile videos

on lol wtf tube
and woopsiedoopsie.Com.

What's been
the missing element

in everything that we've
attempted so far?

- Success.
- Newsworthiness.

TV and movie stars
aren't enough anymore.

People love
this kind of stuff

because they think
that "you know what?
Maybe I'm next.

"Maybe I'll fend off
a criminal, you know,

"or win the lottery,

or have a single engine
plane crash in my backyard."

If we were to give
the celebrity-obsessed masses

something really
worth watching--

I mean really worth watching--

we'd also be launching
our careers.

And I'll tell you
another thing.

You and me plus fame
equals Sally and Linda

fell head over heels for us.

Multiplied by fuck, yeah!

So why not us?

And I mean today,
not tomorrow.

Yeah. Today.

Let's become common men

in uncommon
circumstances.

- Let's go be heroes.
- Count me in!

Today we make
our own opportunity!

- It's a new beginning!
- It's a bold adventure!

Ready to order?

Yes. I'm going to have

the caboose burger
with cheese

and the wagon wheel fries!

I'll have the same!
No pickles!

Hello, America, watching
on your computers.

Here we are behind
hinckley's shop-o-mart.

My name is Elliot Alexander,

and this is Archie.

Uh, hello, America.

And if I may ask,

what is your last name,
Archie?

That's a good question, man.

Okay. Terrific. And how long
have you been a hobo?

- What's that?
- Elliot,

ix-nay on the obo-hay.

Ahem. Uh, yes. Greetings,
Internet enthusiasts.

I'm John Truman.

Elliot and I are
proud to announce

that this is Archie's
lucky day

because no longer
will Archie have to search

in these nearby dumpsters
for his next meal.

I won't?

No longer will Archie have
to sleep in the gutter

like a common animal.

What are you saying, man?

Who are you guys anyway?

Shut up. Let me finish.

Archie,
we'd like to present you

with this cashier's check
we've had specially prepared.

It's for...

Our gift to you.

- Oh, really?
- That's correct.

Cash this check, Archie,
and before you know it,

you will be pulling yourself
up by your bootstraps.

Or your plastic bags,
whichever the case may be.

This is really mine?

Ah, shit, that's awfully
nice of you boys, man.

Uh...Maybe you're not so bad.

No, we're not so bad,
Archie.

We're good because--

yeah, and that's really
nice of you guys.

- John and I feel--
- shit.

...we were
put on this earth

to help those
less fortunate.

What the hell! Oh,
the damn tripod screwed up.

Was it like that while we
were awarding the check?

Oh, this whole thing's ruined.

You know what? Calm down.
We'll just do it over.

Okay. Yes. All right.
You're right.

You're right. Hang on.
I'm letting it...Run.

Okay, let's take it
from the top.

All righty, Archie,
here we go,

just like before.

If you just give me
the check, then we'll--

give you the check?
But you gave it to me.

Yes. And now we're
going to give it to you
all over again.

Ah, I already have it, man.

Yes, no. I know.
We must have

our altruistic act of charity
captured on the video.

- You understand.
- Uh, what I understand

is you're trying
to take my check.

But it's mine, man.

You and your ugly
friend said so.

I'm sorry. Who's ugly?

Oh, look, enough of this.

Let go, you filthy vagrant.

No, man, you let go, man.

Damn it, Archie.

Come on, don't just
stand there, Elliot.

Help me.
He's surprisingly powerful.

Yeah. One step closer,
ugly man,

and I will brain you.

This is crazy, Archie.
We're your friends.

Ah, man, you're some kind
of thieving tricksters,

that's what. You're goddamn
con men and carpetbaggers.

- That's what you are, man.
- You--

- oh!
- Oh!

Nertz to you, man.

Nobody takes my check!

Nobody!

Con men
and carpetbaggers! Ha!

Hey, I'm rolling here, man!

It's important because it's
my job application or r�sum�.

Do you have the
"bloops fun time digest"?

I don't know.
Do you have money?

You know,
it didn't even seem

like you dialed
enough numbers for
an international

I assure you
that I did, ma'am.

My dad's next door at the--

"the bloops
fun time digest,"

volume 1 issue 3.

Um, okay, but--

I'll be keeping an eye on you.

Your fax went through, ma'am.

I promise you. $8.00

you keep calling me ma'am,

and I'm pretty sure I'm a lot
younger than you, okay?

How's it going, Edward?

I mean, how is the king today?

The king grows weary,

for his subjects
are imbeciles

and unappreciative.

No one seems to grasp

just what kind
of herculean effort

it takes to keep
a brick-and-mortar
collectibles emporium

afloat in this day and age.

- We need your help.
- Of course you do.

Come with me.
Mind the store, Becky.

Yes, your majesty.

And what is it exactly
you require, gentlemen?

European triple-x cartoons?

She-male face sitting
short subjects?

"Paul lynde's Halloween
special" on vhs?

What's your pleasure?

Uh, actually, ed,
we're kind of wondering

if we could borrow your
little digital video cam.

Our camera got misplaced.

Why don't you use your phone

like every other person
in the entire human race?

Well, it's a bit
of an older model.

What is that?

A-- a phone.

Uh, my phone
doesn't have a camera.

Or a keyboard. Unbelievable.

- What about yours?
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, well, we, uh,
share that one--

-- to,
you know, to economize.

How thrifty.

When you say you'd like
to borrow my mini camera,

I assume what you really
meant to say is rent.

You know what? We need
to be courageous, Elliot.

We need to be heroic.

We're gonna be heroes.

This can't be about us.
That was our mistake.

- Yeah, we were being selfish.
- Exactly.

We need to be touching
other people's lives
meaningfully.

Making a difference.

We've got to be selfless.

Oh, you said it there.

How do you zoom
with this thing?

Sometimes being a hero
simply means

being
in the right place
at the right time.

10-4, good buddy.

Testing, testing,
1, 2, 3.

Okay, I think
the camera's working.

Okay, great. Now we just
need to be the first

on the scene at some
quick horrible emergency

where we can be saviors.

Like maybe a traffic accident.

We pull the victims free.

Or even a suicide jumper
that we talk down.

We'll say "hey, get down.
Come on. It's not worth it."

Oh, and let's keep
our eyes peeled

because people abandon babies
in Los Angeles all the time.

And if we were to luck
into one of those,

- man, that would be sweet.
- That would be the best.

All units be advised.
5500 block Vermont Avenue.

Hey, whatever that is,
it's right near here.

Let's roll!

It's a fire.

Sweet! I wanted it
to be a fire.

Is that bad to say?
I wanted it to be a fire.

Somebody call 911!

- Is everyone out?
- I-- I don't know.

Are you all right? Oh!
What happened to your head?

Help! Someone help me!

- Somebody do something!
- Too dangerous!

- Aah!
- Oh, where'd she go?

This is our chance.
This is our chance.

- This is our chance.
- Do some good!

What the fuck
is wrong with them?

Go, go, go, go!
Let's move, people!

Get down! Get down!

Watch your back!
Through those doors!

What is a hero?
Am I a hero?

Some may think so.

These two young lives--

look at that old witch.

Show boat!

Hot dog. Big whoop.

She did save your life.

Oh, I don't care.

I mean, I was doing fine

till I breathed
all that smoke

and took a header
down the stairwell.

I mean, how do I know
she didn't push me?

Look, we might not
be the heroes,

but we'll still
get the publicity.

Here's an old acting tip
for when they interview us.

Rub a little dirt
in your eyes.

The more we cry, the more
newsworthy we are.

Oh. Here they come.
Get ready.

Wait. They're leaving!

Uh, excuse me!
Excuse me! Miss!

Uh, my friend and I, we were
pulled from the inferno.

No time, guys.
We're out of here.

No! Look,
you don't understand.

We almost died in there.

It was like we were standing
at the gates of Hades.

My friend is crying,
you ghouls!

Sorry, fellas, but there's
a hostage situation

at dinkle's donuts.
13 people are being held

by a disgruntled pie man.
You know, real news.

Let's go!

This is the latest
in a series

of rampages by gun-toting
bakery employees.

Many wonder if these acts
of violence aren't a reaction

to the high-pressure demands
of the baking profession

with its sysiphusian workload
and taxing predawn hours.

Aren't you scrubbed up yet?

They sure taught us
a lesson.

What are you talking about?

Elliot, we've been idiots.

We've been going about it
all wrong.

You want attention?
You want press coverage?

You think you do that
by doing good works?

No way. Take a look.

Exclusive interview
with a mad bomber.

I mean, what would we
have to do

to get on the cover
of "news time" magazine?

Look. Anywhere.

"Info week."
The Seattle panty bandit

tells his side
of the story.

Even the New York times.
The New York times.

What's their top story?
"Pervert rapes self."

What does the depraved
American citizenry want?

All things lurid
and unexpurgated.

Prison diaries, tell-alls,

fully illustrated
erotic cookbooks.

I mean, they can't get
enough reality programming

and daytime TV
talk show scandals.

We've been so naive.

Whoa, Johnny, slow down.

It's not fame we need,
Elliot.

It's infamy. That's
what gets rewarded.

Look at them!
Right there.

Look at all the attention
they're getting.

However, you are overlooking
one small detail,

which is we do not
want to go up the river,

as they say
in the criminal parlance,

because that is where
unwelcome things

often go
up a person's rear end.

Yes. Granted. I understand

we shouldn't risk more
jail time than is necessary.

Maybe a night or two
at most.

Uh----
how's that again?

I'm sorry.
You still want

to hit the big time,
don't you?

Well, yes, sure.
Except--

so wouldn't you spend
a night behind bars

if that's what it took
to change your luck?

Uh--

to change your life.

John: Welcome
to cyber century, friend.

We're going to make
a name for ourselves

without even setting foot
into the real world.

How are we going
to manage that?

Uh, excuse me.

Have you ever heard
of computer hacking?

I-- yes, I have.

What do you know
about computer hacking?

Well, I dabble, mostly,

but there's plenty
of diy advice

on all my favorite
conspiracy sites.

What? What do you think I'm
doing in here all the time,

role playing and masturbating?

No.

I don't think
you're role playing.

It's the sport of geeks:

Secretly
cracking into corporate
and government networks,

peering back through
the chem trail haze,

watching the waters.

I never dared
leave my calling card

until today.

Oh, god,
this is exhilarating.

Uh, megasoft, though.
That--

shouldn't we maybe
be cutting our teeth
on something

a little not quite
so gigantically huge?

It's precisely
because megasoft's

the largest corporate empire
on the face of the earth

that they deserve to feel the
sting of my everyman's lash.

Ha ha ho!

First we merely insert
a little protest message

on their home page.

We're in. Yes!

All right,
now my merciless missive.

Gentlemen, you suck.

- That's not bad.
- Yeah.

I got to tell you,
nothing hits the mark

quite like a satirical haiku.

Millions worldwide
will see it.

And once we've come forward
to claim responsibility,

you and I are going
to be hailed

as 21 century Robin hoods.

What screen name do you want?
I'm going to go with...

You know what?
Put me down as...

Boobmaster.

Yeah. No, I figured
that's how it's spelled.

But you know what?
It's not menacing enough.

I mean, what's it even
supposed to mean?

Uh, okay. Fine.
All right.

- All one word.
- Here we go.

Moment of truth.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay? That is all wrong!

We'll do it again.

We're trying it again.

As you wish, sir.

Oh, good show!

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's out!

Okay? Now look, dupont,
you're a goddamn idiot, okay?

Look at me.
You're a goddamn idiot.

Remember what i
showed you, okay?

Get on your toes
like a ballerina,

and do tippy-toes, all right?

Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes.
Tippy-toes.

This is you.
Flat foot! Flat foot!

Sincerest apologies, sir.

Can you believe these losers?

Je ne vous
comprends pas.

I don't understand that.

Okay, go get that!

What is it? What do you want?

Mr. Masterson, this is
Daniels in security.

Someone's trying to hack
through the firewall.

Holy shit. You must be joking.

We'll take care of it, sir.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You won't do anything.

I've been wanting to test
a new countermeasure.

This is the perfect
opportunity.

All right, deadly Jester
and fistofsatan,

you little pricks,

allow me to introduce you

to the reverse corkscrew 1.0.

Enjoy.

The haiku's uploading
as we speak.

I got to tell you,
this is exciting.

Exciting? We're
revolutionaries, baby.

We're storming
the cyber bastille.

The emperor
has no clothes!

No, not only is he nude,

he's about to receive
a swift kick to the--

- whoa. W-what's that?

I don't know.

It's never made a sound
like that before.

Oh, god, no!
No, no, no, no!

Should we leave the house?
What do we do?

It's siphoning off
my pornography!

All my meticulously
alphabetized pornography!

Oh! It's already
up to the l's!

Oh, bad news, bad news.

No, no! Why did we do this?

Aah! Aah! No!

I-- I think it's over.

They-- they sort of
turned the tables
on us, huh?

Flipped the script.

Suck it, bitches.

All right, all right.

You want infamy,
Mr. John q. Public,

you perverted bastard,

we'll give you infamy.

Go ahead. Open it.

This is madness.
They'll hurt you.

Uh, sure. Once I've bagged
them into attacking me,

it'll be a cinch. There's
nothing cops hate more

than stinking,
free-loving hippies.

What world
are you living in?

Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you say
whatever it takes?

You did. Right now,

people love
police brutality videos.

They get really worked up

over easily digestible
injustices, all right?

I mean, the news is going
to play this thing,

like, a million times.

You know, if you want
a proper beating,

you should be portraying
a graffiti artist

or a rapper.

Let's just focus,
all right?

When the bludgeoning begins,
I'll play possum.

Once they think
I've lost consciousness,

they'll lose interest
and move on.

That's when you drag me
to the hospital.

Well, so long
as there's a blueprint.

Just get the golden
footage, man, okay?

I'm going in. Ooh!

Oh, I'm flying, man-child.

Flying high as a kite, man.

Freedom!

Hello, piggies!

Ooh. Wait, wait, wait.

Let me-- let me put that

in a language you can
understand. Ready?

Oink oink oinky oink!

Ha ha! Piggies.

Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to move along.

Hey, don't try to stifle
my free speech, man.

Sir, please cease and desist.

Ooh. Ooh, what?
What are you going to do?

You going
to beat my brains in
with your big batons

or should I say your big
surrogate penises?

All right.
That's enough of this.

I'm writing you up
for littering.

That's a $25 citation,
young man.

Hey, you know what?
Screw off.

I'm stoned. Oh, wow.

The sky's a--
a cotton candy rainbow.

The sun's a bowl of lemonade.

I can hear the grass grow!

Get down from there, sir.

- Howdy.
- Hmm? What?

Man, that's a--

that's a heck
of a nice camera, son.

Oh, uh, this? I, uh--

you, uh, you mind
if I take a look?

Sure, yeah. I guess.

Oh, that is a fine
piece of equipment.

It's digital, right?

Oh, that's right, yes.

Yeah, the wife and I are
thinking of buying one.

This little baby
would be perfect

for the family vacation.

We're heading to Florida
to see the in-laws.

- Oh.
- And every damn
amusement park.

- For the kids.
- Ah.

You got kids?

Uh, n-none that I know of.

Keep it that way,
i tell you what.

Yeah. They're great,
but they're--

boy, are they expensive.

I know. I know. I have
friends that have children,

and they just say they eat.

Yeah, they eat a lot.
They eat a lot.

I got one
that won't stop eating.

This guy, he eats three
hotdogs in a sitting.

- He's 5 years old.
- Oh, my goodness.

I film it all.
I film it all.

I got some here
on my phone.

Let me see if i
can look this up.

That's pretty-- yeah.
That's pretty big.

- That's a good-sized kid.
- Yeah.

Anyway, got to run.
Thanks, son.

- Terrific camera.
- Oh, no problem, officer.

Hey, do me a favor.

Have a great day, okay?

Elliot?

Elliot: Are you sure you didn't
get any of it on camera?

I'm sorry, Elliot.
I really am.

It's okay. Really.
I mean, between kicks,

they were mostly slapping
with open hands.

Oh, I just--
i feel so awful.

I-- I can't apologize
enough.

It's more about humiliation
than anything else.

Nothin' 97 ounces
of highly caffeinated
soda beverage

can't put right.

Halfway there.

It's your turn
to brainstorm.

My brain's empty.

Come on,
mister 30-something.

We need
a plan of action.

An instant fame plan.

Yes. What will it take
to hurdle us

headlong into
the zeitgeist?

- Oh!
- Watch out!

Nearly spilled
my treacle.

I meant to say,
please, excuse me, sir.
My fault entirely.

Help me out here, Johnny,
the man's a lunatic.

Uh--
you dropped your little
wool hat, mister.

Psycho eyes.
Yikes.

Eww, let's get
outta here.

I'd hate to cross paths
with him again.

Well,
let me tell you something.
That is never gonna happen.

No, sir. It's
pretty safe to say

that that's the last
we're ever going to see
of him.

More bloops.
Bloop you,
motherblooper!

Look at that
poor bastard.

Gotta be famous,
gotta be famous.

Here we go.
What do we do?

What does one do?
Let's see, let's see.

Fame and glory
is what we seek.

Famousness,
fame-tasticness,

fame-osity--

I got nothin' here.

Desperation.

Huh? Wha--
sorry, what did you say?

Desperation.

I've known desperation
for as long as I can remember.

I always thought
it was a bad thing.

Isn't it?

I've got the solution
to all of our problems

right up here.

Plenty of great men
built their lives

on foundations of courage
and noble intentions.

But how many more
success stories,

truly American
success stories,

grew out of pure
blind desperation.

Look, what are you
getting at?

What I'm getting at
requires we stop thinking
small time.

Yeah, okay,
sounds good.
So...

You do know what
I'm getting at, don't you?

Well, uh-huh, uh--

yeah, yeah, you're
way ahead of me.

Oh, you know
exactly what I'm gonna say.

Okay.
Yeah!

Yeah, i-- I think--

you and me.
Come on, buddy,
say it with me.

Come on,
say it with me.

- We--
- we--

go on.

G-- go on, uh--

yes, uh--

- we--
- both: Go on--

a murder spree.

Whoa. What?

A murder spree.

Uh, wait,
what did you say?

A killing rampage.
Now, listen,

I know it sounds
fairly extreme.

Fairly extreme?

Hear me out.
The idea would be...

What we would do is
we would kill a couple
of people,

a handful at most,

not many,
preferably strangers.

And the toughest part

will be us
surrendering alive.

Uh-- um--

and no suicide pact,
either.

That's just plain
shortsighted.

Oh-- I don't know.
Johnny, for one thing,

whatever happened to us
avoiding significant jail time?
Remember?

We'd end up instantly famous
across the board.

I'm talking guaranteed
world wide fame.

Fame like we haven't even
begun to imagine.

Uh, however--

this is our chance.

It's just--

our only chance.

I'm not quite sure
you're thinking this
all the way through.

We made a pact that we were
going to get famous today.

Didn't we?

- Didn't we?
- Did we?

And for once in my stupid,
miserable, losing life,

I'm not waiting
until tomorrow.

That's what I'd normally do,
but not this time. No.

This'll put us on all
the evening news programs.

There'll be books,
even movies, about our lives.

Our names will be
household words.

Women will talk to us.

We'll finally be somebodys.

So, come on.

You're with me.

Aren't you?

Don't leave me hangin',
Elliot.

You and me
through thick and thin,

our handshake is our bond.

I'm sorry, buddy.
I-- I just--

I don't think so.
I-- I can't.

It's just--
i don't know
if I've got the--

the killer instinct.

Yeah, no, i--

i-- no, I understand.

I-- I wish I did.

No, hey,
it's-- it's fine.

Actually, it's--
it's no problem.

Well, i--
maybe I should, uh--

I should probably...

Go get started.

Uh, sure. Sure.
Probably.

Uh, good luck with
the murdering and everything.

Thanks. Um, I'll--
I'll be seein' you.

John, wait.

I can't let you do this.

By yourself.

I couldn't do it,
buddy.

I couldn't let you go on
a killing spree all alone.

I knew I could count on you.

I knew it.

It would have been
meaningless without you.

It-- it's just, uh--

I'm afraid
I'll screw it up.

You know, I don't know
if I can do it.

I-- I don't know if
I've got it in me.

Hey, what, you don't think
I'm scared, too?

Look at me.

I'm just as scared
as you are.

- Really?
- Of course I am.

What am I,
a professional?

Come on.

The murdering's
not gonna be easy,

but we'll figure it out.

Together.

- Huh-- good enough.
- Okay.

Let's go kill
some people.

How may I help you,
young man?

Uh-- oh, yes.
I need some...
Chloroform.

- Did you say chloroform?
- Yes.

Chloroform is a very
powerful anesthetic,
you know that.

Uh, I also need
some heavy gauze pads.

A little larger than
my hand, I'd say.

There's a mandatory
five day waiting period,

and background check for
the purchase of chloroform.

Seriously, there's a--
five-- five days?

Mm-hm. I'm afraid so.

Damn it. I was kind of
counting on getting it now.

- See, we really,
really need it today.

I'm sorry, I do that
all the time.

I'm sorry,
the look on your face.

I do apologize.

There's no waiting period
for chloroform.

Oh.
Okay. So, uh--

great. All right.

Comes in a half
or full gallon jug.

I suggest the full gallon,
price break.

Oh, then
full gallon it is.

And the gauze pads.

Johnny: What are we
back here for?

Follow me.
You'll see.

The royal we
is in his office.

Mm-hm.

Man: Ah, yeah.
Yeah.

Up, up and away.

This cape is lookin' good.
Cape is lookin' good.

- Cape is--
- hello.

Hey, what a-- hey!

Forgot to lock
the door again.
It's all right.

I'm surprised
you're back.

Couldn't resist
the enema video. Huh?

Look, there's no time,
so I'm just gonna come
right out with it.

John and I need to get
a hold of a copy

of video x-v.

What?!
What do you think
you're doin'?

I said never speak of
that item. Never!

I'm sorry.
For your own safety,

i-- I can't really
explain why,

but-- but it's just
very important.

Important?
You were sworn to secrecy,

you filthy motherfucker.

Um, i--
i don't understand.

Let me tell him.

Please,
it's just us three.

You know that John
can be trusted.

John, video x-v
is the holy grail of
underground videos.

Those few who've heard
rumor of it

speak of it--

only in whispers.

It's the king's
Magnum opus,

although he's the only one
who's ever seen it.

'Cause it's not ready.

You've been editing it
for eight years.

It's incomplete, flawed,
a work in progress.

And you're a perfectionist,
we understand that,

but maybe, just maybe,
it's time for you to let go.

No.

Johnny: I still have no idea
what you're talking about.

Just-- look,
what could it hurt

if we were to
borrow a copy?

Just for tonight.

Please,
if there's anyone,

anyone on this disgusting
wet ball of excrement

circling the sun,

who could appreciate
your masterwork,

oh, king of the nebbishes,

I avert my gaze,
and bow my head

when I say that it is us,

fellow undeserving
nincompoops.

X-v.
Extreme violence.

Pure genius.

But surprisingly simple.

A collection of any and all
of the most violent

r and nc-17 rated
movie moments.

Not scenes, mind you.
Moments.

Edited together,
non-stop.

Nothing else.
Only the best part.

Shootings, stabbings,
gougings, dismemberments,

crocodile and
zombie attacks.

You name it,
if it's reprehensible,
it's here.

Holy fuck.
Watching it would be like

exposing yourself
to years and years

of the most gratuitous violence
Hollywood has to offer.

- All in one sitting
- exactly.

For the aspiring murderer,

it's just what
the doctor ordered.

It's perfect.

Everyone knows that
violent movies and
video games

are the direct cause
of so many of today's
societal problems.

Are we ready for this?

Could we ever
truly be ready?

Oh, my!
Hello, boys.

What brings you here?

Help yourselves.
Make yourselves at home.

Right, yeah, no,
this is good.

This is good.
We'll be so much more
comfortable

starting with
someone we know.

I'm feelin'
pretty confident.

So after her,
we'll ease into the spree.

You know?
Branching out into random
motiveless killings

that'll leave
the authorities baffled.

You're the boss.

It's certainly is
a delightful diversion

having company
for a change.

Eh, thought we'd drop by.

We're just bein'
neighborly.

I admit, it can be lonely
ever since Charles died.

There must be...
Like times when...

You get so lonesome, uh,
sometimes you might even wish
you were...

With him, right?

Oh, heavens,
don't be morbid.

What he means is
it must be comforting

to imagine that when you
finally do pass on,

uh, your husband will be
waiting to greet you
at the pearly gates.

Well, please don't
misunderstand,

I did care dearly
for my Charles,

and kept my vow,

but he was an angry
and spiteful man.

And I'm fairly certain
he's in hell.

Will you care to
cut the cake, Elliot?

Oh, I think maybe John
should cut this cake.

She asked you to do it.

Yes, but you're the one
with the sweet tooth.

So you go right ahead
and I'll cut the next cake.

Fine, then.
No problem.

I'll sh-- I'll cut the--
I'll cut the damn cake.

It's easy.
I'll show you,
it's no big whoop.

Especially if
you do it quickly and
you get it over with.

Who wants elderberry tea?

- Hey, uh--
- this is crazy.

We can't do this.
We're not murderers.

Uh, yeah,
i guess not.

No matter how much we try
to psych ourselves up,

we haven't got the instinct.
We know right from wrong.

You know?
We know what guilt is
and remorse,

and the worth of
a human life.

Whew. Well spoken.
Absolutely.

I mean, really,
what were we thinking?

I blame myself.
You know, i--

I'm the one that
talked you into this.

- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, I did.

Your heart wasn't in it
from the start,

but no,
i wouldn't listen.

Okay, you're too hard
on yourself.

All that counts is
you realize you were wrong,

so let's get out of here.

You're right.
You're right.

Well, let's thank
Mrs. mccullers,

and we'll be
on our way.

Ah, but-- but why--
why bother her any further?

Well, we can't leave
without saying goodbye.
That would be rude.

Well, a minute ago
we were gonna kill her,

so letting her live
seems like a huge leap
up the politeness scale.

- All the same.
- J-John, wait!

Oh, my god!
What have you done?

I-- I only wanted you
to be proud of me.

Proud?

It was
the peer pressure!

- You murderer. Oh!
- No!

Oh, my god,
you're a murderer!

John-- no, no, you--
you keep away from me!

No, please, listen.

Hey, think of all the
good times we've had, buddy.

You know?
All the laughs.

You know,
you don't have to kill me.

I'm not gonna tell anybody,
i promise, I swear to you.

I didn't kill her.
I didn't kill her.

Okay?
I didn't kill her.

I knocked her out is all.
I used one of our...

Pre-moistened
chloroform pads.

I just wanted so badly
to impress you,

to show you I could
get things started.

I got a little over eager.

- She's alive?
- Yes!

Yes, she's--
oh, she's resting.

It's like she's
taking a nap.

Mrs. mccullers?

Mrs. mccullers!

Dear Mrs. mccullers,
Mrs. mccullers.

"Dear Mrs. mccullers,
thank you for your
hospitality.

"I hope you weren't offended
when we refused to play your
drinking game.

"Once you passed out,
we placed you upright
in this chair

"so as to prevent you from
choking on your own vomit.

"Sincerely,
John and Elliot."

- Perfect.
- Yes.

It only requires she somehow
have no recollection of you

smothering her
into unconsciousness.

- Mm.
- Other than that,
perfect.

Look what we're
reduced to.

Our we willing to go
to any lengths

to fulfill our
selfish desires?

It certainly
appears so.

Look how we treated this
kind, goodhearted woman.

She lavishes
baked goods upon us,

and how do we
repay her?

We're lucky.
This is a wake up call.

Because maybe
getting what you want
at any cost,

maybe that doesn't
make you a success.

Maybe just the opposite.

I mean, is there really
any worth to something

if you don't earn it?

- If it means that you treat
other people like dirt--
- John.

- To be trampled under foot.
- John, look, we're on TV.

- Say what now?
- That's us.

Turn it up.

Man: Two mystery witnesses
exiting the los felice
convenience store.

Moments later,
the same camera

captured this image of
the alleged criminal.

Anyone with information
is asked to contact the
LAPD immediately.

And so the question
on everyone's lips:

Who are
the mystery witnesses?

- Donna.
- We'll be right back

with the local scientist
who claims

the loch ness monster
is here in America.

John: We're the--

we're the mystery
witnesses.

We're the mystery
witnesses.

We're the-- we're the
mystery witnesses.

Both: We're the
mystery witnesses.

We're the
mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

Whoo-hoo!

Both:
We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

Mr. Kelly:
So a fat guy comes in.
Real fat guy.

He comes in the store,
and I just--

I know we got nothin'
in his size,

so you know what I said?

Too fat. I mean,
it's just too fat to be--

sometimes it's just
too fat,

and I don't want to
deal with it.

- And I'm not gonna.
- No way.

- No w-- no way.
- Mr. Kelly, you're so wicked.

How fat was he?

Believe it or not,
i used to be fat.

I was. I used to--
i used to have a
weight problem,

so watch out
or you'll be fat.

- That's what I'm sayin'.

That's a good one,
Mr. Kelly.

What is going on
up there?

Good evening. We are
interrupting our 7:00 news hour

to bring you
even more important news.

- Cathy.
- Yes, Greg.

I'm standing here
with two men

who have come to
the station

claiming they are
the mystery witnesses.

Oh, uh, we are the
mystery witnesses, Cathy.

Believe you me.

Uh, I'm John Truman,

and, um, this is
Elliot Alexander.

You may not recognize us
because we were in disguise
earlier.

Elliot told me
they were gonna get some
attention today.

What?
He wasn't kidding.

Can you explain
for our viewers

why you were
disguised as hippies?

Well, that's--
that's a long story.

- Donahue.
- What?

- Better get in here.
- Can you walk us through
the incident?

- Well, we were leaving
the store--
- it's the mystery witnesses.

And this big redheaded jerk
just pushes past me,

and spills my 97-ouncer,
so i-- I say--

remember, John?
I go, "pardon me,
you big ape,

"but I believe
you owe me an apology."

We're really on TV
right now, right?

Hey, hello everybody
out there in TV land.

- Hi.
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh, do the
British accent thing.

Well,
it's wonderful to be here

on your television.

By the way,
we never did hear,

what exactly
did we witness?

The suspect
in police custody

is accused of
armed robbery.

Not too shabby.

Uh, yes, by the way,
Cathy, did I mention
that I am an actor.

Yes, he is,
and I am a screenwriter.

Um, we'll be back
with more of our
exclusive interview

with the mystery witnesses
after this.

Linda, Sally,
don't you know those
two guys right there?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god, yeah,
we totally know them.

Elliot and Jim,
i totally remembered.

Yeah, of course
we know them,

because they are
our boyfriends.

Those are your boyfriends?
What?

They're your boyfriends?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Our boyfriends.

Those guys are
our boyfriends.

They're totally
our boyfriends.

Yeah, our boyfriends.

Our boyfriends.

Boyfriends.
Our boyfriends are on TV.

Man: As near as we can figure,
at 4:47 P.M. this afternoon,

Mickey "the redhead" barns
entered the extreme shop on
Franklin Avenue,

ate a soft pretzel,
shot the clerk,

and emptied
the cash register,

although,
not in that order.

Hey, say,
do you think they could
turn on their siren?

Man: I'm not certain
you two grasp

the seriousness of
this situation.

Oh, no,
we grasp it, sir.

We couldn't be grasping it
any more than we already are.

Mickey barns is
the third cousin

of Charlie o'petrovich,

the head of
Cleveland's ironfisted
Russian-Irish syndicate.

Cleveland?

They may not get
the kind of publicity

the larger, more popular
crime syndicates do,

but the o'petrovich family
is nothing to sneeze at.

Anyone who's ever crossed them
has been found beheaded,

if they've been
found at all.

Really? Well, that's--
that's not good because--

once the head's off
even for a split second,

it's almost always fatal.

Oh, yeah.
That's him.

He looks like
a mean clown.

Authorities
have been after him
since the old days

for extortion, drugs,
even murder.

Except for small collars,
he's always slipped free.

What's he doing
in Los Angeles?

He rose slowly within
the family hierarchy,

but he gave it up years ago
and came to Hollywood

to pursue his
lifelong dream

of becoming
a human cannonball.

He's quite
completely insane

in case you can't tell
by looking at him.

He's an adrenaline junky.

Couldn't keep his hand
out of the cookie jar,
as it were.

Graft, petty larceny,
armed robbery,
the occasional burglary.

This'll be
three strikes for him.

Thanks to you.

Sure is one ugly
son of a bitch.

Yeah.
Face only a mother
could love.

Who do you think
gave him that scar?

- Eww.
- Oh.

Who's got
a big tummy?

Hi.

It's almost like
he can see us.

These one-way mirrors
are incredible.

That's not
a one-way mirror.

That's a window.

- It's a what?
- Uh--

I could swear I saw
a skull and crossbones
in his eyes.

What were you thinking?
Why would you let him see us?

See? You were just
on television

in front of
tens of thousands
of viewers.

Hell, there's a TV
in the holding area,

so barns is probably
one of them.

Okay. Big whoop.
Let's just get this
over with, right?

Let's-- what's next?
You interview us,

we fill out some paperwork,
and, uh--

- we're out of here?
- Haven't you heard
a word I've said?

It doesn't matter that barns
is a distant relative.

His family will
demand your heads
on silver platters.

I mean that literally.

You're going into
the witness protection
program.

Uh-- oh, no.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Wait-- wait a minute.
You mean, you want us
to move away,

and change our names?

And never see our
family and friends
ever again?

Never see them,
never contact them.

I'm sorry, boys,
but you must live

the remainder of your lives
in total anonymity.

There's no other way.

Thanks all the same,
but, uh,

that's not gonna
work for us.

See, I'm sure
you'll understand.

We've got
our movie careers
to consider.

If you had come in
with our cooperation,

we could have
shielded you.

But the moment
you went on TV,

witness protection
became your only option.

This man is
an unrepentantly
violent felon.

He was captured
fleeing the scene,

but we can't hold him
without further evidence.

Only your
eyewitness testimony

will keep him
off the streets.

You two seem
awfully anxious
to be heroes,

here's your opportunity.

You're right.
You're right.

We have a responsibility
to the community.

A solemn
responsibility.

I don't know.

But you do know,
Elliot.

You do know,
if we don't testify,

how could we live
with ourselves?

We'd be haunted by
the guilt and shame.

Okay, uh, I'm--
I'm with you. Right.

We're at your disposal,
detective.

Take a seat,
we'll begin.

Great.

Oh, but, uh,
were those vending machines
i saw down the hall?

That's right.

You don't mind if we get
some refreshments, do you?

I mean, we're
bound to get thirsty

giving our lengthy,
incredibly detailed
statements.

Right, and I'm
hypoglycemic, seriously.

Make it snappy.

Back in a jiff.

Woman:
The mystery witnesses

John Truman and
Elliot Alexander

are still wanted for
further questioning.

The authorities ask that
anyone with any information

as to the whereabouts
of the mystery witnesses

please alert your
local precinct.

Back to you in
the studio, jimbo.

Thanks, sassy.

The moment
everyone in the world,

and in the
entertainment capitol
of the world,

has been waiting for
is now only hours away.

Oh, my gosh!

Hi. Sorry for
the intrusion, ladies.

Uh, may we come in?

Yes, yes,
come in.

Hello, Linda.
Hello.

What? What? What?
It's you.

Hello, Sally.

You are the
mystery witnesses.

Can you believe this,
Linda?

The mystery witnesses
are here in our living room.

Uh, yeah.
Could you maybe not be
shouting that so much

at the top of
your voice?

They say you're on the run.
Everyone's looking for you.

- Everyone.
- Yeah, we know.

Yeah, listen, ladies,
we realize that we're
not welcome here.

But we-- we don't have
anywhere else to go.

Not welcome?
What are you
talking about?

You are always welcome.

Yes, yes,
please come.

Make yourselves at home.

You guys must be
exhausted.

Wait, how do you know
where we live?

Oh, yeah, well,
funny thing is,

I happened to be in
the neighborhood once,

driving by just once,

and then I glanced up,
you know,

and happened to see you
in your bedroom window,

- Linda, so--
- cool, that makes sense.

Sit down,
put up your feet,
relax, yeah, mm.

We just need to lay low
until we can collect
our thoughts.

Oh, yeah,
of course you do.

The police are watching
our apartment building.

- A stakeout?
- Oh, how thrilling.

Hey, but you managed to
slip through the dragnet.

Wow.
You were really on TV.

Just like you said
you'd be.

Yeah, but that's not been
all it's cracked up to be
just yet.

You looked good, John.

Like, really
ruggedly handsome.

You think so?

Hey, is there anything
we can do to help?

Anything at all?

Well, i-- I don't know
about you, John,

but I'm--
I'm a little hungry.

I could eat.

If it's not
too much trouble, I mean.

No, no,
no trouble at all.

- Wait right here.
- Yeah, we'll be right back

with a delicious
and nutritious snack

for our desperate,
perspiring fugitives.

Whew. You got
one thing right, man.

Infamy is a
panty dropper.

A musky pheromone.

I never thought an ugly guy
could make me so wet.

Yeah, I know.
I have been wet for
hot guys before,

but never for
ugly guys.

- Yeah.
- Like, ugly wet
is different.

Elliot: Oh, Jesus,
we're on every channel.

How do we get out of
this mess, John?

My life may suck,
but I'm not ready

to flush it
straight down
the crapper.

Yeah, I know,
i agree.

Uh, not with your
exact choice of words.

You know, there's only
one thing for us.

We-- we have to devise
and execute our greatest,

most elaborate
ingenious scheme ever.

We--

I've got it.
We have to kill

the mystery witnesses.

Fuck. Yeah.

Well, thank you,
ladies,

for the bountiful feast of
celery, saltines, and ice.

Oh, you're not
still hungry, are you?

How could we be?

Yummy.

We'll be back
as soon as we can.

Oh, guys, won't you
tell us your plan?

No, we can't do it.

I keep telling you
it's for your own good.

We're giving you the gift
of deniable plausibility.

Wow, thank you.

Well, be careful
out there.

Good luck.

Oh...

- Uh-- ow!
- Oh! Ow!

Uh-- here you go.

Ow.

Don't do that.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Cops are out front,
they'll hear.

Yeah, they'll call in
an urgent 10-42,

female in distress.

Shut up, ass.

Is this it?

Bingo.
Let's get out of here.

Do it.

- Yeah.

It's an emergency!

We're begging you.

Impossible.

Absolutely, positively,

phantasmagoricly
impossible.

Please, we're in
dire straights.

We've got
nowhere else to turn.

Even if I could
procure what you need,

and I'm not saying
that I could,

it would take weeks
to arrange,

possibly months.

We're willing to
pay you handsomely.

What with?

You've never seen
the kind of money
it would take

for me to scrounge
something of this nature.

You have my attention.

Dear god,
does my eye deceive me?

Robo wizard.

Do you realize
what this is worth?

Unopened,
unblemished packaging,

perfect corners,
mint on card.

Accidentally transformed
when his magical time machine

was struck by lightning.

He's now half robot,
half wizard.

He is robo wizard!

Oh, how you take me back to
the heady days of my youth.

Those Saturday mornings
when I could depend on

the sound of your
inappropriately violent
exploits

to drown out the sounds of
mother berating father in
the next room.

Oh, and all those
summer nights
I spent entwined

in a stifling tangle
of bed sheets

dreaming of the day
when I, too, might ride

my faithful pterodactyl
on a quest to rescue the
fair maiden.

So?
Is it a deal then?

You'll have what you need
within the hour.

John: There she lay,

our wanton mistress.

Beautiful, though,
you have to admit.

Well, she sure had
her way with us.

Raped us six ways
from Sunday.

As promised.

Meet John Truman
and Elliot Alexander.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, god.

Don't worry.
I got 'em from
a buddy

who works at
the med school morgue.

Compared to what was
in store for these two,

this is a picnic.

They're older than
methuselah.

How is anyone ever gonna
believe they're us?

Gee whiz.
Surprisingly,

these are
the only dead bodies

I could scare up
at a moment's notice.

Take 'em or leave 'em.

It's no skin off of
my rosy red hind quarters.

Having just dressed
a naked corpse,

I can now place that
very high on my list

of least favorite things.

Oh, I really wish
there was somewhere
we could wash our hands.

You think this
will work?

I don't know.
I mean, they do it at
the end of, like,

every third movie
and TV show,

so why not?

Maybe we should
say a few words.

Yeah, probably.
All right.

Oh, lord, um,
we hope that you

welcome these two
unfortunate--

oh, fuck balls,
i just remembered
we're missing the cjt.

- What?
- Celebrity jousting
tournament.

I forgot to
record it.

Oh, right.
Oh, shit!

Let's get this show
on the road.

- Wha--
- it-- it didn't explode.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, this is really--
this is very bad.

Didn't you fill
the tank?

We did.
We filled the tank.

All right, quick.
We gotta get our
story straight.

Elliot, you and i
were driving along,

two old men carjacked us
and they seemed... suicidal.

They took all of
our clothes--

all: Whoa!

- Yes.
- Yes!

- Wow.
- Yes!

- Oh, man.
- Yeah!

- Yeah.
- Oh, man,
that's so hot.

- Yes!
- It feels hot
on my face.

Listen,
I'm not good with
sentimental goodbyes,

- but we'd never--

I got the robo wizard!
Yeah!

Con man and
carpetbagger.

Archie?

Elliot.
You all right?

You goddamn con man
and carpetbagger.

You know, Elliot,
this could actually be

our chance to
re-invent ourselves.

To become better people.

Let's win
the girls' hearts.

For real this time.

And I'll tell you
what else,

no more fame for me,
thank you very much.

Yeah, I agree.
I've learned my lesson.

I never imagined we'd be
so desperate to become
un-famous.

The irony
is not lost on me.

We'll hide out with the ladies
for however long it takes,

and then we'll start
rebuilding our lives
on our own terms.

You know?

Of course,
if we ever did want to
reconsider show biz,

there's always
massive reconstructive
plastic surgery.

Might not be a bad idea
either way.

Right now, though,
what I'd like

is a simple job
for a change.

Working with my hands,
maybe on a farm.

Yes. Nothing could
appeal to me more.

Wholesome,
honest work.

Like--
i don't know,

uh, washing things.

- Picking apples.
- Washing apples.

Here's to being dead.

Reborn.

A new new beginning.

Man: Hey, John and Elliot.
Hey, over here, over here.

The mystery witnesses
have returned.

- Where's your clothes?

- Sally?
- Linda?

We were, like, so scared,
but then we were so excited,

and we just knew, like,
we had to call the TV stand.

- The newspapers.
- Yeah, the-- the cops.

I mean, what else
are we gonna do?

Is it true
that you two girls are
professional models?

- Oh, how flattering.
- No.

But we do work
at fashion urge
in the galleria.

There's this sale going on
on Tuesday, you guys.

Mr. Kelly,
what up?

Okay, we're hoping
to become actresses
very soon,

just fyi, world.

Wh-- what have you done?

Boys, we're taking you
into custody,

for your own protection.

Ladies and gentlemen,
in a shocking twist of fate--

- wait a minute.
- The mystery witnesses
are being arrested.

Oh, you-- you thought
we ran away.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

We were getting
a breath of fresh air.

We were clearing
our heads.

We were on our way back
to the police station,
but we got lost.

Let's go.
Keep moving.

What will happen to them,
detective?

You're stepping on
my foot.

Is it true they're going into
the witness protection program,

and can you give us some idea of
where they'll be relocated to.

- Sally!
- Linda!

Wait. Please, at least
let us say goodbye to
our ladies.

Have a heart,
detective.

Hold on. Here come
John and Elliot now.

- Oh, hi, guys.
- Hey.

Hi. Uh, listen--

look, we're sorry.

No, no, no,
we get it.

Yeah,
we don't blame you.

Well, yeah,
it's not our fault.

But we feel kind of bad about
how this worked out for you.

Well, here's the thing,
girls.

We'll mot likely
end up testifying,

us being good citizens
and all.

And, frankly,
that's gonna mean

a heck of a lot of changes
in our lives.

Oh, yeah.

Elliot and I,
we're gonna have to
disappear.

We'll get new names,
new identities.

We're needles
starting at zero and
going the other way.

And what we were
hoping was,

well, what if you two
came with us?

We wouldn't need
anything else.

I mean,
nothing would matter.

It would all be worthwhile
in the end

so long as
we were together.

You and us.
What do you say?

- Uh...
- Uh, uh...

- Well--
- I, uh--

everybody!
Hey, hey, look!

- It-- it's happening!
- Ooh, they're unveiling
the Hollywood sign.

Hurry, guys,
you'll miss it.

After countless man hours
and millions and millions
of tax payer dollars,

the moment has
finally arrived.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the fluffy time
biscuit company

is proud to present
the one and only,

new and improved
Hollywood sign.

That--
that's just--

oh, god,
it's awful.

Robo wizard is
an incredibly rare

and valuable piece of
collectible americana.

Of nearly inestimable and
historical significance

the likes of which
you're unlikely to have

the privilege of
laying eyes on again
in your lifetime.

Uh! I'm so
bored.
What should we do tonight,
sal?

I don't know, lind.

Can go to the fashion show
or the movie premiere,

but I'm feeling like
maybe we should rent
cow costumes,

and crash the grand opening
of celebrity chef Zechariah's

- new vegan restaurant.
- - Hilarious.

Ladies,

do you think you could
find it in your heart

to maybe go back to work
for a little while?

Um, we are working,
Mr. Kelly.

- See?
- Oh, and Mr. Kelly,

unfortunately,
you'll need to switch our
schedules to part time.

Yeah, thanks,
because next season
we're supposed to have

babies or Mary
conjoined twins,
or something.