Original subtitles

Chirp.

Man: Tonight, at long last, the city of Los Angeles

and corporate sponsor the fluffy time biscuit company

will finally unveil the new, improved Hollywood sign.

Aah!

Aah!

Hey.

Wake up.

Elliot, wake up!

Aah! Oh, it's dick titty.

Oh. Sorry. Morning, John.

Morning, Elliot.

You might want to wish me luck today.

Okay, well, here it comes. Good luck, John.

Don't you want to know

why you're wishing me luck today?

Did you ask me to wish you luck?

I happen to have a very important meeting this afternoon

with Brett Anderson.

Bullshit.

- I do. - Really?

I'm meeting Brett Anderson.

You're gonna meet Brett Anderson?

You're meeting the actor Brett fucking Anderson?

The star of murder games, middle name danger,

and rock paper scissors murder seriously?

Could be our ticket to the big time.

Oh. Better not keep him waiting.

All right! All right, hey,

you go knock him dead, Mr. fancy pants.

I'm going to get some writing done before my shift.

Ah, slave to a fickle muse, eh?

I leave you to it, my friend.

Ah.

Okay.

Oh! Mocking white rectangle.

Agony of spinning yarns

from nothing but sheer imagination.

And for what? For what?

Will anyone ever begin to appreciate my genius?

Will they ever be worthy of it?

Don't think about that.

Do your pages.

Do your pages.

Here we go.

Day.

Naked ladies gyrate-- y-r-a-t-e.

Their huge boobs are bouncing.

Uh, no. No. Da-da-da-da-da.

Yes.

Bosoms. Much classier.

Their bosoms bounce

like great jiggly melons.

An angry old man enters the club.

This is...

Yeah, okay.

He brandishes a large...

What kind of filthy, sinful world have I awakened to?

Van winkle opens fire!

Boom! Boom!

Okay. That's-- that's enough for today.

Stop when you're hot.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the muse has left the building.

Won't be long now, mo.

The teats are full inflatable.

No time for romance today, I'm afraid.

It'll just have to be a--

woman, knocking: Hello, Elliot.

It's Mrs. mccullers from next door.

John said you're home,

and I've baked you my famous lady Baltimore cake.

You baked-- you baked a cake?

Oh, okay. Well, I'm--

I'm a bit indisposed right now, Mrs. mccullers.

Uh, can you just leave it on the doorstep right there?

The birds will get it.

- What? - Aah! Penis!

What the--

uh, Brett, this is John Truman.

Yeah, yeah. Nice to, uh, nice to meet you.

Five minutes, Mr. Truman.

Well, let's get down to, uh, brass tacks, then.

Uh, shall we? Okay. So, uh, question 1.

When you yourself go to the movies, Mr. Anderson--

uh, or Brett-- may I call you Brett?

Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

I, uh, I'd prefer you didn't.

I see. Well, as I was saying,

uh, when you yourself attend a moving picture,

what would you say is your favorite fountain drink?

Pardon me?

Which beverage do you find most refreshing

as a rule of thumb?

Uh...

You know, I'm not really sure

what this has to do with my new movie

rock paper scissors murder,

but, uh, you know, if you have any questions

about this...

I'd be glad to answer them.

Of course. Moving on.

Question 2. As both an artist

and an aficionado of the cinema,

do you prefer your popcorn

with or without butter-flavored topping?

Mr. Truman, exactly which, uh, publication

do you represent?

I'm employed by concessionaire monthly,

the magazine of the theatrical food service industry.

Okay, you'd better come with me.

Okay. Yes. But you know what?

Mr. Truman--

if I could have one moment, Brett,

I've got a screenplay you'd be perfect for.

- Security! - Oh, god.

Now, I didn't write it. My roommate Elliot did.

But it's a real page Turner.

It's a tad long, right? 400 pages.

Uh, but it's dramatic and touching.

It's laugh-out-loud funny.

Funny yet real. It's about a ufo investigator

played by you who-- spoiler alert--

falls in love with the alien he's chasing.

Mr. Truman, time's up.

Sweat outside, please.

Yes. Except, Brett, you know what?

I'm not only a reporter. I'm also a fellow actor.

There's a part in the script.

It's the investigator's skeptical sidekick.

Here. These headshots will give you an idea of my range.

Listen, I have to ask-- ooh, I'll get those.

Oh!

Oh!

Uh, well, thank you, Brett.

My number's with the materials. Call any time!

Fired from separate jobs, both of us,

on the exact same day again?

What are the odds of that happening three times?

Astronomical. But how could he have fired you, Elliot?

- I mean, why? - Who knows?

That sadistic son of a bitch

has had me in his crosshairs since day 1.

It could have been any of a hundred

imagined transgressions in that lunatic's head.

Dude, I've been fired from a video store,

a bowling alley, a comic book shop,

and an ice cream parlor.

I'm running out of dream jobs.

You know what would lift our spirits?

Us brightening the girls' day with a surprise visit.

How can this many people be shopping

in the middle of the week?

What are they, all welfare cheats and screenwriters?

I thought the economy's supposed to be in the toilet.

Doesn't anyone have a job anymore?

Takers!

Hey, I heard we might miscontinue

the all-cotton knee-high.

What? Why? No way. Who said?

Mm-hmm, yeah, hey, but just keep it under your hat, okay?

Uh, ahem.

Mr. Kelly told me

in the strictest of confidence.

Oh, it's such a sad day.

What are we going to do tonight?

Mm, is "celebrity jousting" on?

- We're dvring it. - Yes. Good. Okay.

All right, what about this?

We make over our busty lesbian avatars,

go virtual clubbing,

and watch the pervert feeding frenzy begin.

Aka Wednesday. Genius!

- Ew! - Oh, god.

Afternoon, ladies.

W-what's up? Hi.

Uh, yeah. Hi.

Hello, Linda.

You girls working hard or hardly working?

Ha!

- Oh. - Excuse me.

Sorry to, uh, walk in

and interrupt everybody talking to each other,

enjoying-- ahem.

Linda, register.

Thank you.

I didn't see you here yesterday.

That's because I wasn't here.

You know what you should do?

You should make a--

you should xerox your, uh, schedule,

make a copy of it, and I'll just have it with me

- so I'll always know-- - no. Mm-mm.

I'm helping customers,

so I can't really stand around

just, like, talking to some random--

no problem. I'll just--

I'll just do some shopping.

Ahem. So, uh, I was--

I was chilling with Brett Anderson today.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, he's great.

He's a great guy, really, really nice.

He's a little full of himself,

to be honest.

And short. Shorter than he looks in the movies,

that's for sure. He stands--

he's probably, like, 4-- 4'2".

Anyway, uh, he and i are considering

taking a project into active development together.

I don't care.

Uh, yeah. Before you-- before you, uh, flee,

I have a question. I was just wondering.

Um...Oh, god, I'm not good at this.

What I'm trying to say is, uh--

you know what? I would love to--

oh.

Well, I finally cracked that horror script

I was telling you about.

Remember that one Van winkle?

It's a present-day retelling--

...of Washington Irving's classic

tale of rip Van winkle, which is public domain,

but, uh, when he wakes up in my version, though,

he finds modern society so objectionable,

he starts killing everyone.

It-- I find it to be sort of a post-modern--

$15.32, please.

Uh, you know what, Linda? When are we gonna get together

for another double date? That's what I want to know.

We can't have another double date

because we never had one date.

You just followed us to the movies and sat behind us.

Listen, Linda, i--

I realize I'm no prize.

I mean, look at me.

I-- but I want you to know

just maybe, one of these days,

John and I are going to do something special.

We're going to make a name for ourselves.

Will you go away now?

Anyhow, n-nice seeing you. Bye.

Uh, no, yo.

You decide because every time I pick it,

you don't like the place I pick

and it's a whole thing, so just--

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Go on, really. It's fine.

I'll settle for anything.

For an-- oh. Okay.

Well, how about hamburger junction?

Oh. Seriously? Hamburger junction?

We always eat at hamburger junction.

I'm sick to death of hamburger junction.

What about der noodle?

No, we had German yesterday.

- Clucky's chicken? - No.

- Snack world. - Oh, no.

- Pancake brothers? - No.

- Just soup. - Fuck, no.

Finger food connection, where good food is always

- at your fingertips. - Uh-uh.

- Pita, Paul, and Mary. - No.

- Jim dandy's. - Negative.

B.J. O'williedoodle's.

No, I got diarrhea last time.

- Jolly onion. - Nope.

Fondue hut. Chop-chop Chinese.

Unidentified flying pizza.

- One of those. - No, no, no.

What was the name of that place?

That one place that we went to that one time?

The Dutch omelet.

No, but that sounds interesting.

Where is that? Is that Burbank? Glendale?

I'm sorry. That sounds interesting?

- Yeah. - I-- I made that one up.

Welcome to hamburger junction.

Would you like to see our specials?

- Choo-choo-- - we'll need another minute. Thanks.

Do you know what this is?

It's a birthday card from my parents.

I'm 30 years old tomorrow.

Happy birthday.

No. Unhappy birthday.

After tomorrow, we're both 30, Elliot.

Do you know how old 30 is in Hollywood?

When you're in your 20s,

being an aimless loser is forgiven.

It's even encouraged.

But not when you're in your 30s.

Oh, man, you can't give up.

I mean, 30 is the new 12. Think of it that way.

I mean, you just-- you just have to believe in yourself.

Oh, please. That's something your parents tell you

because if you think that you can become the president one day,

maybe you won't be a drug dealer or a pimp.

Uh, every t-- every time, John,

there's the slightest setback, you get like this.

I can-- I can set my watch by it, man.

Remember your acting instructor? Remember when he said

there was absolutely nothing he could teach you?

Remember that?

You're damn right he did.

And didn't he practically

throw you out of his class that day?

That was his way of saying "go. Get out.

Get out there and start acting."

And your screenwriting teacher.

I mean, he did call you his greatest student.

He spent all of those long hours working with you.

Nights at his condo on his own time.

He'd still be mentoring you to this day

if he hadn't been jailed for providing alcohol to minors.

Exactly. Talent is not our problem.

You and i-- and not to sound a little pretentious here--

we have got ass-loads of talent.

That doesn't sound pretentious.

What we need is opportunity.

Yeah. Hello, world. Here we are. Thank you.

You're fucking up.

Look at the guy who created "the bloops."

He turned a bunch of homemade cartoon videos on the Internet

into an empire.

The bloops are everywhere.

Now there's even a bloops charity

for disadvantaged kids.

God, I hate the bloops.

What will it really take

for us to get a little face time with America?

I mean, nowadays everyone's posting videos online

of their-- their dog farting or their kid burping.

I love the one

where the burping kid's riding the farting dog.

I mean, millions of folks around the world

are on the Internet watching all of those infantile videos

on lol wtf tube and woopsiedoopsie.Com.

What's been the missing element

in everything that we've attempted so far?

- Success. - Newsworthiness.

TV and movie stars aren't enough anymore.

People love this kind of stuff

because they think that "you know what? Maybe I'm next.

"Maybe I'll fend off a criminal, you know,

"or win the lottery,

or have a single engine plane crash in my backyard."

If we were to give the celebrity-obsessed masses

something really worth watching--

I mean really worth watching--

we'd also be launching our careers.

And I'll tell you another thing.

You and me plus fame equals Sally and Linda

fell head over heels for us.

Multiplied by fuck, yeah!

So why not us?

And I mean today, not tomorrow.

Yeah. Today.

Let's become common men

in uncommon circumstances.

- Let's go be heroes. - Count me in!

Today we make our own opportunity!

- It's a new beginning! - It's a bold adventure!

Ready to order?

Yes. I'm going to have

the caboose burger with cheese

and the wagon wheel fries!

I'll have the same! No pickles!

Hello, America, watching on your computers.

Here we are behind hinckley's shop-o-mart.

My name is Elliot Alexander,

and this is Archie.

Uh, hello, America.

And if I may ask,

what is your last name, Archie?

That's a good question, man.

Okay. Terrific. And how long have you been a hobo?

- What's that? - Elliot,

ix-nay on the obo-hay.

Ahem. Uh, yes. Greetings, Internet enthusiasts.

I'm John Truman.

Elliot and I are proud to announce

that this is Archie's lucky day

because no longer will Archie have to search

in these nearby dumpsters for his next meal.

I won't?

No longer will Archie have to sleep in the gutter

like a common animal.

What are you saying, man?

Who are you guys anyway?

Shut up. Let me finish.

Archie, we'd like to present you

with this cashier's check we've had specially prepared.

It's for...

Our gift to you.

- Oh, really? - That's correct.

Cash this check, Archie, and before you know it,

you will be pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

Or your plastic bags, whichever the case may be.

This is really mine?

Ah, shit, that's awfully nice of you boys, man.

Uh...Maybe you're not so bad.

No, we're not so bad, Archie.

We're good because--

yeah, and that's really nice of you guys.

- John and I feel-- - shit.

...we were put on this earth

to help those less fortunate.

What the hell! Oh, the damn tripod screwed up.

Was it like that while we were awarding the check?

Oh, this whole thing's ruined.

You know what? Calm down. We'll just do it over.

Okay. Yes. All right. You're right.

You're right. Hang on. I'm letting it...Run.

Okay, let's take it from the top.

All righty, Archie, here we go,

just like before.

If you just give me the check, then we'll--

give you the check? But you gave it to me.

Yes. And now we're going to give it to you all over again.

Ah, I already have it, man.

Yes, no. I know. We must have

our altruistic act of charity captured on the video.

- You understand. - Uh, what I understand

is you're trying to take my check.

But it's mine, man.

You and your ugly friend said so.

I'm sorry. Who's ugly?

Oh, look, enough of this.

Let go, you filthy vagrant.

No, man, you let go, man.

Damn it, Archie.

Come on, don't just stand there, Elliot.

Help me. He's surprisingly powerful.

Yeah. One step closer, ugly man,

and I will brain you.

This is crazy, Archie. We're your friends.

Ah, man, you're some kind of thieving tricksters,

that's what. You're goddamn con men and carpetbaggers.

- That's what you are, man. - You--

- oh! - Oh!

Nertz to you, man.

Nobody takes my check!

Nobody!

Con men and carpetbaggers! Ha!

Hey, I'm rolling here, man!

It's important because it's my job application or r�sum�.

Do you have the "bloops fun time digest"?

I don't know. Do you have money?

You know, it didn't even seem

like you dialed enough numbers for an international

I assure you that I did, ma'am.

My dad's next door at the--

"the bloops fun time digest,"

volume 1 issue 3.

Um, okay, but--

I'll be keeping an eye on you.

Your fax went through, ma'am.

I promise you. $8.00

you keep calling me ma'am,

and I'm pretty sure I'm a lot younger than you, okay?

How's it going, Edward?

I mean, how is the king today?

The king grows weary,

for his subjects are imbeciles

and unappreciative.

No one seems to grasp

just what kind of herculean effort

it takes to keep a brick-and-mortar collectibles emporium

afloat in this day and age.

- We need your help. - Of course you do.

Come with me. Mind the store, Becky.

Yes, your majesty.

And what is it exactly you require, gentlemen?

European triple-x cartoons?

She-male face sitting short subjects?

"Paul lynde's Halloween special" on vhs?

What's your pleasure?

Uh, actually, ed, we're kind of wondering

if we could borrow your little digital video cam.

Our camera got misplaced.

Why don't you use your phone

like every other person in the entire human race?

Well, it's a bit of an older model.

What is that?

A-- a phone.

Uh, my phone doesn't have a camera.

Or a keyboard. Unbelievable.

- What about yours? - Uh, yeah.

Uh, well, we, uh, share that one--

-- to, you know, to economize.

How thrifty.

When you say you'd like to borrow my mini camera,

I assume what you really meant to say is rent.

You know what? We need to be courageous, Elliot.

We need to be heroic.

We're gonna be heroes.

This can't be about us. That was our mistake.

- Yeah, we were being selfish. - Exactly.

We need to be touching other people's lives meaningfully.

Making a difference.

We've got to be selfless.

Oh, you said it there.

How do you zoom with this thing?

Sometimes being a hero simply means

being in the right place at the right time.

10-4, good buddy.

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3.

Okay, I think the camera's working.

Okay, great. Now we just need to be the first

on the scene at some quick horrible emergency

where we can be saviors.

Like maybe a traffic accident.

We pull the victims free.

Or even a suicide jumper that we talk down.

We'll say "hey, get down. Come on. It's not worth it."

Oh, and let's keep our eyes peeled

because people abandon babies in Los Angeles all the time.

And if we were to luck into one of those,

- man, that would be sweet. - That would be the best.

All units be advised. 5500 block Vermont Avenue.

Hey, whatever that is, it's right near here.

Let's roll!

It's a fire.

Sweet! I wanted it to be a fire.

Is that bad to say? I wanted it to be a fire.

Somebody call 911!

- Is everyone out? - I-- I don't know.

Are you all right? Oh! What happened to your head?

Help! Someone help me!

- Somebody do something! - Too dangerous!

- Aah! - Oh, where'd she go?

This is our chance. This is our chance.

- This is our chance. - Do some good!

What the fuck is wrong with them?

Go, go, go, go! Let's move, people!

Get down! Get down!

Watch your back! Through those doors!

What is a hero? Am I a hero?

Some may think so.

These two young lives--

look at that old witch.

Show boat!

Hot dog. Big whoop.

She did save your life.

Oh, I don't care.

I mean, I was doing fine

till I breathed all that smoke

and took a header down the stairwell.

I mean, how do I know she didn't push me?

Look, we might not be the heroes,

but we'll still get the publicity.

Here's an old acting tip for when they interview us.

Rub a little dirt in your eyes.

The more we cry, the more newsworthy we are.

Oh. Here they come. Get ready.

Wait. They're leaving!

Uh, excuse me! Excuse me! Miss!

Uh, my friend and I, we were pulled from the inferno.

No time, guys. We're out of here.

No! Look, you don't understand.

We almost died in there.

It was like we were standing at the gates of Hades.

My friend is crying, you ghouls!

Sorry, fellas, but there's a hostage situation

at dinkle's donuts. 13 people are being held

by a disgruntled pie man. You know, real news.

Let's go!

This is the latest in a series

of rampages by gun-toting bakery employees.

Many wonder if these acts of violence aren't a reaction

to the high-pressure demands of the baking profession

with its sysiphusian workload and taxing predawn hours.

Aren't you scrubbed up yet?

They sure taught us a lesson.

What are you talking about?

Elliot, we've been idiots.

We've been going about it all wrong.

You want attention? You want press coverage?

You think you do that by doing good works?

No way. Take a look.

Exclusive interview with a mad bomber.

I mean, what would we have to do

to get on the cover of "news time" magazine?

Look. Anywhere.

"Info week." The Seattle panty bandit

tells his side of the story.

Even the New York times. The New York times.

What's their top story? "Pervert rapes self."

What does the depraved American citizenry want?

All things lurid and unexpurgated.

Prison diaries, tell-alls,

fully illustrated erotic cookbooks.

I mean, they can't get enough reality programming

and daytime TV talk show scandals.

We've been so naive.

Whoa, Johnny, slow down.

It's not fame we need, Elliot.

It's infamy. That's what gets rewarded.

Look at them! Right there.

Look at all the attention they're getting.

However, you are overlooking one small detail,

which is we do not want to go up the river,

as they say in the criminal parlance,

because that is where unwelcome things

often go up a person's rear end.

Yes. Granted. I understand

we shouldn't risk more jail time than is necessary.

Maybe a night or two at most.

Uh---- how's that again?

I'm sorry. You still want

to hit the big time, don't you?

Well, yes, sure. Except--

so wouldn't you spend a night behind bars

if that's what it took to change your luck?

Uh--

to change your life.

John: Welcome to cyber century, friend.

We're going to make a name for ourselves

without even setting foot into the real world.

How are we going to manage that?

Uh, excuse me.

Have you ever heard of computer hacking?

I-- yes, I have.

What do you know about computer hacking?

Well, I dabble, mostly,

but there's plenty of diy advice

on all my favorite conspiracy sites.

What? What do you think I'm doing in here all the time,

role playing and masturbating?

No.

I don't think you're role playing.

It's the sport of geeks:

Secretly cracking into corporate and government networks,

peering back through the chem trail haze,

watching the waters.

I never dared leave my calling card

until today.

Oh, god, this is exhilarating.

Uh, megasoft, though. That--

shouldn't we maybe be cutting our teeth on something

a little not quite so gigantically huge?

It's precisely because megasoft's

the largest corporate empire on the face of the earth

that they deserve to feel the sting of my everyman's lash.

Ha ha ho!

First we merely insert a little protest message

on their home page.

We're in. Yes!

All right, now my merciless missive.

Gentlemen, you suck.

- That's not bad. - Yeah.

I got to tell you, nothing hits the mark

quite like a satirical haiku.

Millions worldwide will see it.

And once we've come forward to claim responsibility,

you and I are going to be hailed

as 21 century Robin hoods.

What screen name do you want? I'm going to go with...

You know what? Put me down as...

Boobmaster.

Yeah. No, I figured that's how it's spelled.

But you know what? It's not menacing enough.

I mean, what's it even supposed to mean?

Uh, okay. Fine. All right.

- All one word. - Here we go.

Moment of truth.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay? That is all wrong!

We'll do it again.

We're trying it again.

As you wish, sir.

Oh, good show!

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's out!

Okay? Now look, dupont, you're a goddamn idiot, okay?

Look at me. You're a goddamn idiot.

Remember what i showed you, okay?

Get on your toes like a ballerina,

and do tippy-toes, all right?

Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes.

This is you. Flat foot! Flat foot!

Sincerest apologies, sir.

Can you believe these losers?

Je ne vous comprends pas.

I don't understand that.

Okay, go get that!

What is it? What do you want?

Mr. Masterson, this is Daniels in security.

Someone's trying to hack through the firewall.

Holy shit. You must be joking.

We'll take care of it, sir.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You won't do anything.

I've been wanting to test a new countermeasure.

This is the perfect opportunity.

All right, deadly Jester and fistofsatan,

you little pricks,

allow me to introduce you

to the reverse corkscrew 1.0.

Enjoy.

The haiku's uploading as we speak.

I got to tell you, this is exciting.

Exciting? We're revolutionaries, baby.

We're storming the cyber bastille.

The emperor has no clothes!

No, not only is he nude,

he's about to receive a swift kick to the--

- whoa. W-what's that?

I don't know.

It's never made a sound like that before.

Oh, god, no! No, no, no, no!

Should we leave the house? What do we do?

It's siphoning off my pornography!

All my meticulously alphabetized pornography!

Oh! It's already up to the l's!

Oh, bad news, bad news.

No, no! Why did we do this?

Aah! Aah! No!

I-- I think it's over.

They-- they sort of turned the tables on us, huh?

Flipped the script.

Suck it, bitches.

All right, all right.

You want infamy, Mr. John q. Public,

you perverted bastard,

we'll give you infamy.

Go ahead. Open it.

This is madness. They'll hurt you.

Uh, sure. Once I've bagged them into attacking me,

it'll be a cinch. There's nothing cops hate more

than stinking, free-loving hippies.

What world are you living in?

Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you say whatever it takes?

You did. Right now,

people love police brutality videos.

They get really worked up

over easily digestible injustices, all right?

I mean, the news is going to play this thing,

like, a million times.

You know, if you want a proper beating,

you should be portraying a graffiti artist

or a rapper.

Let's just focus, all right?

When the bludgeoning begins, I'll play possum.

Once they think I've lost consciousness,

they'll lose interest and move on.

That's when you drag me to the hospital.

Well, so long as there's a blueprint.

Just get the golden footage, man, okay?

I'm going in. Ooh!

Oh, I'm flying, man-child.

Flying high as a kite, man.

Freedom!

Hello, piggies!

Ooh. Wait, wait, wait.

Let me-- let me put that

in a language you can understand. Ready?

Oink oink oinky oink!

Ha ha! Piggies.

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to move along.

Hey, don't try to stifle my free speech, man.

Sir, please cease and desist.

Ooh. Ooh, what? What are you going to do?

You going to beat my brains in with your big batons

or should I say your big surrogate penises?

All right. That's enough of this.

I'm writing you up for littering.

That's a $25 citation, young man.

Hey, you know what? Screw off.

I'm stoned. Oh, wow.

The sky's a-- a cotton candy rainbow.

The sun's a bowl of lemonade.

I can hear the grass grow!

Get down from there, sir.

- Howdy. - Hmm? What?

Man, that's a--

that's a heck of a nice camera, son.

Oh, uh, this? I, uh--

you, uh, you mind if I take a look?

Sure, yeah. I guess.

Oh, that is a fine piece of equipment.

It's digital, right?

Oh, that's right, yes.

Yeah, the wife and I are thinking of buying one.

This little baby would be perfect

for the family vacation.

We're heading to Florida to see the in-laws.

- Oh. - And every damn amusement park.

- For the kids. - Ah.

You got kids?

Uh, n-none that I know of.

Keep it that way, i tell you what.

Yeah. They're great, but they're--

boy, are they expensive.

I know. I know. I have friends that have children,

and they just say they eat.

Yeah, they eat a lot. They eat a lot.

I got one that won't stop eating.

This guy, he eats three hotdogs in a sitting.

- He's 5 years old. - Oh, my goodness.

I film it all. I film it all.

I got some here on my phone.

Let me see if i can look this up.

That's pretty-- yeah. That's pretty big.

- That's a good-sized kid. - Yeah.

Anyway, got to run. Thanks, son.

- Terrific camera. - Oh, no problem, officer.

Hey, do me a favor.

Have a great day, okay?

Elliot?

Elliot: Are you sure you didn't get any of it on camera?

I'm sorry, Elliot. I really am.

It's okay. Really. I mean, between kicks,

they were mostly slapping with open hands.

Oh, I just-- i feel so awful.

I-- I can't apologize enough.

It's more about humiliation than anything else.

Nothin' 97 ounces of highly caffeinated soda beverage

can't put right.

Halfway there.

It's your turn to brainstorm.

My brain's empty.

Come on, mister 30-something.

We need a plan of action.

An instant fame plan.

Yes. What will it take to hurdle us

headlong into the zeitgeist?

- Oh! - Watch out!

Nearly spilled my treacle.

I meant to say, please, excuse me, sir. My fault entirely.

Help me out here, Johnny, the man's a lunatic.

Uh-- you dropped your little wool hat, mister.

Psycho eyes. Yikes.

Eww, let's get outta here.

I'd hate to cross paths with him again.

Well, let me tell you something. That is never gonna happen.

No, sir. It's pretty safe to say

that that's the last we're ever going to see of him.

More bloops. Bloop you, motherblooper!

Look at that poor bastard.

Gotta be famous, gotta be famous.

Here we go. What do we do?

What does one do? Let's see, let's see.

Fame and glory is what we seek.

Famousness, fame-tasticness,

fame-osity--

I got nothin' here.

Desperation.

Huh? Wha-- sorry, what did you say?

Desperation.

I've known desperation for as long as I can remember.

I always thought it was a bad thing.

Isn't it?

I've got the solution to all of our problems

right up here.

Plenty of great men built their lives

on foundations of courage and noble intentions.

But how many more success stories,

truly American success stories,

grew out of pure blind desperation.

Look, what are you getting at?

What I'm getting at requires we stop thinking small time.

Yeah, okay, sounds good. So...

You do know what I'm getting at, don't you?

Well, uh-huh, uh--

yeah, yeah, you're way ahead of me.

Oh, you know exactly what I'm gonna say.

Okay. Yeah!

Yeah, i-- I think--

you and me. Come on, buddy, say it with me.

Come on, say it with me.

- We-- - we--

go on.

G-- go on, uh--

yes, uh--

- we-- - both: Go on--

a murder spree.

Whoa. What?

A murder spree.

Uh, wait, what did you say?

A killing rampage. Now, listen,

I know it sounds fairly extreme.

Fairly extreme?

Hear me out. The idea would be...

What we would do is we would kill a couple of people,

a handful at most,

not many, preferably strangers.

And the toughest part

will be us surrendering alive.

Uh-- um--

and no suicide pact, either.

That's just plain shortsighted.

Oh-- I don't know. Johnny, for one thing,

whatever happened to us avoiding significant jail time? Remember?

We'd end up instantly famous across the board.

I'm talking guaranteed world wide fame.

Fame like we haven't even begun to imagine.

Uh, however--

this is our chance.

It's just--

our only chance.

I'm not quite sure you're thinking this all the way through.

We made a pact that we were going to get famous today.

Didn't we?

- Didn't we? - Did we?

And for once in my stupid, miserable, losing life,

I'm not waiting until tomorrow.

That's what I'd normally do, but not this time. No.

This'll put us on all the evening news programs.

There'll be books, even movies, about our lives.

Our names will be household words.

Women will talk to us.

We'll finally be somebodys.

So, come on.

You're with me.

Aren't you?

Don't leave me hangin', Elliot.

You and me through thick and thin,

our handshake is our bond.

I'm sorry, buddy. I-- I just--

I don't think so. I-- I can't.

It's just-- i don't know if I've got the--

the killer instinct.

Yeah, no, i--

i-- no, I understand.

I-- I wish I did.

No, hey, it's-- it's fine.

Actually, it's-- it's no problem.

Well, i-- maybe I should, uh--

I should probably...

Go get started.

Uh, sure. Sure. Probably.

Uh, good luck with the murdering and everything.

Thanks. Um, I'll-- I'll be seein' you.

John, wait.

I can't let you do this.

By yourself.

I couldn't do it, buddy.

I couldn't let you go on a killing spree all alone.

I knew I could count on you.

I knew it.

It would have been meaningless without you.

It-- it's just, uh--

I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

You know, I don't know if I can do it.

I-- I don't know if I've got it in me.

Hey, what, you don't think I'm scared, too?

Look at me.

I'm just as scared as you are.

- Really? - Of course I am.

What am I, a professional?

Come on.

The murdering's not gonna be easy,

but we'll figure it out.

Together.

- Huh-- good enough. - Okay.

Let's go kill some people.

How may I help you, young man?

Uh-- oh, yes. I need some... Chloroform.

- Did you say chloroform? - Yes.

Chloroform is a very powerful anesthetic, you know that.

Uh, I also need some heavy gauze pads.

A little larger than my hand, I'd say.

There's a mandatory five day waiting period,

and background check for the purchase of chloroform.

Seriously, there's a-- five-- five days?

Mm-hm. I'm afraid so.

Damn it. I was kind of counting on getting it now.

- See, we really, really need it today.

I'm sorry, I do that all the time.

I'm sorry, the look on your face.

I do apologize.

There's no waiting period for chloroform.

Oh. Okay. So, uh--

great. All right.

Comes in a half or full gallon jug.

I suggest the full gallon, price break.

Oh, then full gallon it is.

And the gauze pads.

Johnny: What are we back here for?

Follow me. You'll see.

The royal we is in his office.

Mm-hm.

Man: Ah, yeah. Yeah.

Up, up and away.

This cape is lookin' good. Cape is lookin' good.

- Cape is-- - hello.

Hey, what a-- hey!

Forgot to lock the door again. It's all right.

I'm surprised you're back.

Couldn't resist the enema video. Huh?

Look, there's no time, so I'm just gonna come right out with it.

John and I need to get a hold of a copy

of video x-v.

What?! What do you think you're doin'?

I said never speak of that item. Never!

I'm sorry. For your own safety,

i-- I can't really explain why,

but-- but it's just very important.

Important? You were sworn to secrecy,

you filthy motherfucker.

Um, i-- i don't understand.

Let me tell him.

Please, it's just us three.

You know that John can be trusted.

John, video x-v is the holy grail of underground videos.

Those few who've heard rumor of it

speak of it--

only in whispers.

It's the king's Magnum opus,

although he's the only one who's ever seen it.

'Cause it's not ready.

You've been editing it for eight years.

It's incomplete, flawed, a work in progress.

And you're a perfectionist, we understand that,

but maybe, just maybe, it's time for you to let go.

No.

Johnny: I still have no idea what you're talking about.

Just-- look, what could it hurt

if we were to borrow a copy?

Just for tonight.

Please, if there's anyone,

anyone on this disgusting wet ball of excrement

circling the sun,

who could appreciate your masterwork,

oh, king of the nebbishes,

I avert my gaze, and bow my head

when I say that it is us,

fellow undeserving nincompoops.

X-v. Extreme violence.

Pure genius.

But surprisingly simple.

A collection of any and all of the most violent

r and nc-17 rated movie moments.

Not scenes, mind you. Moments.

Edited together, non-stop.

Nothing else. Only the best part.

Shootings, stabbings, gougings, dismemberments,

crocodile and zombie attacks.

You name it, if it's reprehensible, it's here.

Holy fuck. Watching it would be like

exposing yourself to years and years

of the most gratuitous violence Hollywood has to offer.

- All in one sitting - exactly.

For the aspiring murderer,

it's just what the doctor ordered.

It's perfect.

Everyone knows that violent movies and video games

are the direct cause of so many of today's societal problems.

Are we ready for this?

Could we ever truly be ready?

Oh, my! Hello, boys.

What brings you here?

Help yourselves. Make yourselves at home.

Right, yeah, no, this is good.

This is good. We'll be so much more comfortable

starting with someone we know.

I'm feelin' pretty confident.

So after her, we'll ease into the spree.

You know? Branching out into random motiveless killings

that'll leave the authorities baffled.

You're the boss.

It's certainly is a delightful diversion

having company for a change.

Eh, thought we'd drop by.

We're just bein' neighborly.

I admit, it can be lonely ever since Charles died.

There must be... Like times when...

You get so lonesome, uh, sometimes you might even wish you were...

With him, right?

Oh, heavens, don't be morbid.

What he means is it must be comforting

to imagine that when you finally do pass on,

uh, your husband will be waiting to greet you at the pearly gates.

Well, please don't misunderstand,

I did care dearly for my Charles,

and kept my vow,

but he was an angry and spiteful man.

And I'm fairly certain he's in hell.

Will you care to cut the cake, Elliot?

Oh, I think maybe John should cut this cake.

She asked you to do it.

Yes, but you're the one with the sweet tooth.

So you go right ahead and I'll cut the next cake.

Fine, then. No problem.

I'll sh-- I'll cut the-- I'll cut the damn cake.

It's easy. I'll show you, it's no big whoop.

Especially if you do it quickly and you get it over with.

Who wants elderberry tea?

- Hey, uh-- - this is crazy.

We can't do this. We're not murderers.

Uh, yeah, i guess not.

No matter how much we try to psych ourselves up,

we haven't got the instinct. We know right from wrong.

You know? We know what guilt is and remorse,

and the worth of a human life.

Whew. Well spoken. Absolutely.

I mean, really, what were we thinking?

I blame myself. You know, i--

I'm the one that talked you into this.

- No, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes, I did.

Your heart wasn't in it from the start,

but no, i wouldn't listen.

Okay, you're too hard on yourself.

All that counts is you realize you were wrong,

so let's get out of here.

You're right. You're right.

Well, let's thank Mrs. mccullers,

and we'll be on our way.

Ah, but-- but why-- why bother her any further?

Well, we can't leave without saying goodbye. That would be rude.

Well, a minute ago we were gonna kill her,

so letting her live seems like a huge leap up the politeness scale.

- All the same. - J-John, wait!

Oh, my god! What have you done?

I-- I only wanted you to be proud of me.

Proud?

It was the peer pressure!

- You murderer. Oh! - No!

Oh, my god, you're a murderer!

John-- no, no, you-- you keep away from me!

No, please, listen.

Hey, think of all the good times we've had, buddy.

You know? All the laughs.

You know, you don't have to kill me.

I'm not gonna tell anybody, i promise, I swear to you.

I didn't kill her. I didn't kill her.

Okay? I didn't kill her.

I knocked her out is all. I used one of our...

Pre-moistened chloroform pads.

I just wanted so badly to impress you,

to show you I could get things started.

I got a little over eager.

- She's alive? - Yes!

Yes, she's-- oh, she's resting.

It's like she's taking a nap.

Mrs. mccullers?

Mrs. mccullers!

Dear Mrs. mccullers, Mrs. mccullers.

"Dear Mrs. mccullers, thank you for your hospitality.

"I hope you weren't offended when we refused to play your drinking game.

"Once you passed out, we placed you upright in this chair

"so as to prevent you from choking on your own vomit.

"Sincerely, John and Elliot."

- Perfect. - Yes.

It only requires she somehow have no recollection of you

smothering her into unconsciousness.

- Mm. - Other than that, perfect.

Look what we're reduced to.

Our we willing to go to any lengths

to fulfill our selfish desires?

It certainly appears so.

Look how we treated this kind, goodhearted woman.

She lavishes baked goods upon us,

and how do we repay her?

We're lucky. This is a wake up call.

Because maybe getting what you want at any cost,

maybe that doesn't make you a success.

Maybe just the opposite.

I mean, is there really any worth to something

if you don't earn it?

- If it means that you treat other people like dirt-- - John.

- To be trampled under foot. - John, look, we're on TV.

- Say what now? - That's us.

Turn it up.

Man: Two mystery witnesses exiting the los felice convenience store.

Moments later, the same camera

captured this image of the alleged criminal.

Anyone with information is asked to contact the LAPD immediately.

And so the question on everyone's lips:

Who are the mystery witnesses?

- Donna. - We'll be right back

with the local scientist who claims

the loch ness monster is here in America.

John: We're the--

we're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the-- we're the mystery witnesses.

Both: We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

Whoo-hoo!

Both: We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

Mr. Kelly: So a fat guy comes in. Real fat guy.

He comes in the store, and I just--

I know we got nothin' in his size,

so you know what I said?

Too fat. I mean, it's just too fat to be--

sometimes it's just too fat,

and I don't want to deal with it.

- And I'm not gonna. - No way.

- No w-- no way. - Mr. Kelly, you're so wicked.

How fat was he?

Believe it or not, i used to be fat.

I was. I used to-- i used to have a weight problem,

so watch out or you'll be fat.

- That's what I'm sayin'.

That's a good one, Mr. Kelly.

What is going on up there?

Good evening. We are interrupting our 7:00 news hour

to bring you even more important news.

- Cathy. - Yes, Greg.

I'm standing here with two men

who have come to the station

claiming they are the mystery witnesses.

Oh, uh, we are the mystery witnesses, Cathy.

Believe you me.

Uh, I'm John Truman,

and, um, this is Elliot Alexander.

You may not recognize us because we were in disguise earlier.

Elliot told me they were gonna get some attention today.

What? He wasn't kidding.

Can you explain for our viewers

why you were disguised as hippies?

Well, that's-- that's a long story.

- Donahue. - What?

- Better get in here. - Can you walk us through the incident?

- Well, we were leaving the store-- - it's the mystery witnesses.

And this big redheaded jerk just pushes past me,

and spills my 97-ouncer, so i-- I say--

remember, John? I go, "pardon me, you big ape,

"but I believe you owe me an apology."

We're really on TV right now, right?

Hey, hello everybody out there in TV land.

- Hi. - Oh, my goodness.

Oh, do the British accent thing.

Well, it's wonderful to be here

on your television.

By the way, we never did hear,

what exactly did we witness?

The suspect in police custody

is accused of armed robbery.

Not too shabby.

Uh, yes, by the way, Cathy, did I mention that I am an actor.

Yes, he is, and I am a screenwriter.

Um, we'll be back with more of our exclusive interview

with the mystery witnesses after this.

Linda, Sally, don't you know those two guys right there?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god, yeah, we totally know them.

Elliot and Jim, i totally remembered.

Yeah, of course we know them,

because they are our boyfriends.

Those are your boyfriends? What?

They're your boyfriends?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Our boyfriends.

Those guys are our boyfriends.

They're totally our boyfriends.

Yeah, our boyfriends.

Our boyfriends.

Boyfriends. Our boyfriends are on TV.

Man: As near as we can figure, at 4:47 P.M. this afternoon,

Mickey "the redhead" barns entered the extreme shop on Franklin Avenue,

ate a soft pretzel, shot the clerk,

and emptied the cash register,

although, not in that order.

Hey, say, do you think they could turn on their siren?

Man: I'm not certain you two grasp

the seriousness of this situation.

Oh, no, we grasp it, sir.

We couldn't be grasping it any more than we already are.

Mickey barns is the third cousin

of Charlie o'petrovich,

the head of Cleveland's ironfisted Russian-Irish syndicate.

Cleveland?

They may not get the kind of publicity

the larger, more popular crime syndicates do,

but the o'petrovich family is nothing to sneeze at.

Anyone who's ever crossed them has been found beheaded,

if they've been found at all.

Really? Well, that's-- that's not good because--

once the head's off even for a split second,

it's almost always fatal.

Oh, yeah. That's him.

He looks like a mean clown.

Authorities have been after him since the old days

for extortion, drugs, even murder.

Except for small collars, he's always slipped free.

What's he doing in Los Angeles?

He rose slowly within the family hierarchy,

but he gave it up years ago and came to Hollywood

to pursue his lifelong dream

of becoming a human cannonball.

He's quite completely insane

in case you can't tell by looking at him.

He's an adrenaline junky.

Couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar, as it were.

Graft, petty larceny, armed robbery, the occasional burglary.

This'll be three strikes for him.

Thanks to you.

Sure is one ugly son of a bitch.

Yeah. Face only a mother could love.

Who do you think gave him that scar?

- Eww. - Oh.

Who's got a big tummy?

Hi.

It's almost like he can see us.

These one-way mirrors are incredible.

That's not a one-way mirror.

That's a window.

- It's a what? - Uh--

I could swear I saw a skull and crossbones in his eyes.

What were you thinking? Why would you let him see us?

See? You were just on television

in front of tens of thousands of viewers.

Hell, there's a TV in the holding area,

so barns is probably one of them.

Okay. Big whoop. Let's just get this over with, right?

Let's-- what's next? You interview us,

we fill out some paperwork, and, uh--

- we're out of here? - Haven't you heard a word I've said?

It doesn't matter that barns is a distant relative.

His family will demand your heads on silver platters.

I mean that literally.

You're going into the witness protection program.

Uh-- oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait-- wait a minute. You mean, you want us to move away,

and change our names?

And never see our family and friends ever again?

Never see them, never contact them.

I'm sorry, boys, but you must live

the remainder of your lives in total anonymity.

There's no other way.

Thanks all the same, but, uh,

that's not gonna work for us.

See, I'm sure you'll understand.

We've got our movie careers to consider.

If you had come in with our cooperation,

we could have shielded you.

But the moment you went on TV,

witness protection became your only option.

This man is an unrepentantly violent felon.

He was captured fleeing the scene,

but we can't hold him without further evidence.

Only your eyewitness testimony

will keep him off the streets.

You two seem awfully anxious to be heroes,

here's your opportunity.

You're right. You're right.

We have a responsibility to the community.

A solemn responsibility.

I don't know.

But you do know, Elliot.

You do know, if we don't testify,

how could we live with ourselves?

We'd be haunted by the guilt and shame.

Okay, uh, I'm-- I'm with you. Right.

We're at your disposal, detective.

Take a seat, we'll begin.

Great.

Oh, but, uh, were those vending machines i saw down the hall?

That's right.

You don't mind if we get some refreshments, do you?

I mean, we're bound to get thirsty

giving our lengthy, incredibly detailed statements.

Right, and I'm hypoglycemic, seriously.

Make it snappy.

Back in a jiff.

Woman: The mystery witnesses

John Truman and Elliot Alexander

are still wanted for further questioning.

The authorities ask that anyone with any information

as to the whereabouts of the mystery witnesses

please alert your local precinct.

Back to you in the studio, jimbo.

Thanks, sassy.

The moment everyone in the world,

and in the entertainment capitol of the world,

has been waiting for is now only hours away.

Oh, my gosh!

Hi. Sorry for the intrusion, ladies.

Uh, may we come in?

Yes, yes, come in.

Hello, Linda. Hello.

What? What? What? It's you.

Hello, Sally.

You are the mystery witnesses.

Can you believe this, Linda?

The mystery witnesses are here in our living room.

Uh, yeah. Could you maybe not be shouting that so much

at the top of your voice?

They say you're on the run. Everyone's looking for you.

- Everyone. - Yeah, we know.

Yeah, listen, ladies, we realize that we're not welcome here.

But we-- we don't have anywhere else to go.

Not welcome? What are you talking about?

You are always welcome.

Yes, yes, please come.

Make yourselves at home.

You guys must be exhausted.

Wait, how do you know where we live?

Oh, yeah, well, funny thing is,

I happened to be in the neighborhood once,

driving by just once,

and then I glanced up, you know,

and happened to see you in your bedroom window,

- Linda, so-- - cool, that makes sense.

Sit down, put up your feet, relax, yeah, mm.

We just need to lay low until we can collect our thoughts.

Oh, yeah, of course you do.

The police are watching our apartment building.

- A stakeout? - Oh, how thrilling.

Hey, but you managed to slip through the dragnet.

Wow. You were really on TV.

Just like you said you'd be.

Yeah, but that's not been all it's cracked up to be just yet.

You looked good, John.

Like, really ruggedly handsome.

You think so?

Hey, is there anything we can do to help?

Anything at all?

Well, i-- I don't know about you, John,

but I'm-- I'm a little hungry.

I could eat.

If it's not too much trouble, I mean.

No, no, no trouble at all.

- Wait right here. - Yeah, we'll be right back

with a delicious and nutritious snack

for our desperate, perspiring fugitives.

Whew. You got one thing right, man.

Infamy is a panty dropper.

A musky pheromone.

I never thought an ugly guy could make me so wet.

Yeah, I know. I have been wet for hot guys before,

but never for ugly guys.

- Yeah. - Like, ugly wet is different.

Elliot: Oh, Jesus, we're on every channel.

How do we get out of this mess, John?

My life may suck, but I'm not ready

to flush it straight down the crapper.

Yeah, I know, i agree.

Uh, not with your exact choice of words.

You know, there's only one thing for us.

We-- we have to devise and execute our greatest,

most elaborate ingenious scheme ever.

We--

I've got it. We have to kill

the mystery witnesses.

Fuck. Yeah.

Well, thank you, ladies,

for the bountiful feast of celery, saltines, and ice.

Oh, you're not still hungry, are you?

How could we be?

Yummy.

We'll be back as soon as we can.

Oh, guys, won't you tell us your plan?

No, we can't do it.

I keep telling you it's for your own good.

We're giving you the gift of deniable plausibility.

Wow, thank you.

Well, be careful out there.

Good luck.

Oh...

- Uh-- ow! - Oh! Ow!

Uh-- here you go.

Ow.

Don't do that.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Cops are out front, they'll hear.

Yeah, they'll call in an urgent 10-42,

female in distress.

Shut up, ass.

Is this it?

Bingo. Let's get out of here.

Do it.

- Yeah.

It's an emergency!

We're begging you.

Impossible.

Absolutely, positively,

phantasmagoricly impossible.

Please, we're in dire straights.

We've got nowhere else to turn.

Even if I could procure what you need,

and I'm not saying that I could,

it would take weeks to arrange,

possibly months.

We're willing to pay you handsomely.

What with?

You've never seen the kind of money it would take

for me to scrounge something of this nature.

You have my attention.

Dear god, does my eye deceive me?

Robo wizard.

Do you realize what this is worth?

Unopened, unblemished packaging,

perfect corners, mint on card.

Accidentally transformed when his magical time machine

was struck by lightning.

He's now half robot, half wizard.

He is robo wizard!

Oh, how you take me back to the heady days of my youth.

Those Saturday mornings when I could depend on

the sound of your inappropriately violent exploits

to drown out the sounds of mother berating father in the next room.

Oh, and all those summer nights I spent entwined

in a stifling tangle of bed sheets

dreaming of the day when I, too, might ride

my faithful pterodactyl on a quest to rescue the fair maiden.

So? Is it a deal then?

You'll have what you need within the hour.

John: There she lay,

our wanton mistress.

Beautiful, though, you have to admit.

Well, she sure had her way with us.

Raped us six ways from Sunday.

As promised.

Meet John Truman and Elliot Alexander.

- Oh, my goodness. - Oh, god.

Don't worry. I got 'em from a buddy

who works at the med school morgue.

Compared to what was in store for these two,

this is a picnic.

They're older than methuselah.

How is anyone ever gonna believe they're us?

Gee whiz. Surprisingly,

these are the only dead bodies

I could scare up at a moment's notice.

Take 'em or leave 'em.

It's no skin off of my rosy red hind quarters.

Having just dressed a naked corpse,

I can now place that very high on my list

of least favorite things.

Oh, I really wish there was somewhere we could wash our hands.

You think this will work?

I don't know. I mean, they do it at the end of, like,

every third movie and TV show,

so why not?

Maybe we should say a few words.

Yeah, probably. All right.

Oh, lord, um, we hope that you

welcome these two unfortunate--

oh, fuck balls, i just remembered we're missing the cjt.

- What? - Celebrity jousting tournament.

I forgot to record it.

Oh, right. Oh, shit!

Let's get this show on the road.

- Wha-- - it-- it didn't explode.

- Oh, boy. - Oh, this is really-- this is very bad.

Didn't you fill the tank?

We did. We filled the tank.

All right, quick. We gotta get our story straight.

Elliot, you and i were driving along,

two old men carjacked us and they seemed... suicidal.

They took all of our clothes--

all: Whoa!

- Yes. - Yes!

- Wow. - Yes!

- Oh, man. - Yeah!

- Yeah. - Oh, man, that's so hot.

- Yes! - It feels hot on my face.

Listen, I'm not good with sentimental goodbyes,

- but we'd never--

I got the robo wizard! Yeah!

Con man and carpetbagger.

Archie?

Elliot. You all right?

You goddamn con man and carpetbagger.

You know, Elliot, this could actually be

our chance to re-invent ourselves.

To become better people.

Let's win the girls' hearts.

For real this time.

And I'll tell you what else,

no more fame for me, thank you very much.

Yeah, I agree. I've learned my lesson.

I never imagined we'd be so desperate to become un-famous.

The irony is not lost on me.

We'll hide out with the ladies for however long it takes,

and then we'll start rebuilding our lives on our own terms.

You know?

Of course, if we ever did want to reconsider show biz,

there's always massive reconstructive plastic surgery.

Might not be a bad idea either way.

Right now, though, what I'd like

is a simple job for a change.

Working with my hands, maybe on a farm.

Yes. Nothing could appeal to me more.

Wholesome, honest work.

Like-- i don't know,

uh, washing things.

- Picking apples. - Washing apples.

Here's to being dead.

Reborn.

A new new beginning.

Man: Hey, John and Elliot. Hey, over here, over here.

The mystery witnesses have returned.

- Where's your clothes?

- Sally? - Linda?

We were, like, so scared, but then we were so excited,

and we just knew, like, we had to call the TV stand.

- The newspapers. - Yeah, the-- the cops.

I mean, what else are we gonna do?

Is it true that you two girls are professional models?

- Oh, how flattering. - No.

But we do work at fashion urge in the galleria.

There's this sale going on on Tuesday, you guys.

Mr. Kelly, what up?

Okay, we're hoping to become actresses very soon,

just fyi, world.

Wh-- what have you done?

Boys, we're taking you into custody,

for your own protection.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a shocking twist of fate--

- wait a minute. - The mystery witnesses are being arrested.

Oh, you-- you thought we ran away.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We were getting a breath of fresh air.

We were clearing our heads.

We were on our way back to the police station, but we got lost.

Let's go. Keep moving.

What will happen to them, detective?

You're stepping on my foot.

Is it true they're going into the witness protection program,

and can you give us some idea of where they'll be relocated to.

- Sally! - Linda!

Wait. Please, at least let us say goodbye to our ladies.

Have a heart, detective.

Hold on. Here come John and Elliot now.

- Oh, hi, guys. - Hey.

Hi. Uh, listen--

look, we're sorry.

No, no, no, we get it.

Yeah, we don't blame you.

Well, yeah, it's not our fault.

But we feel kind of bad about how this worked out for you.

Well, here's the thing, girls.

We'll mot likely end up testifying,

us being good citizens and all.

And, frankly, that's gonna mean

a heck of a lot of changes in our lives.

Oh, yeah.

Elliot and I, we're gonna have to disappear.

We'll get new names, new identities.

We're needles starting at zero and going the other way.

And what we were hoping was,

well, what if you two came with us?

We wouldn't need anything else.

I mean, nothing would matter.

It would all be worthwhile in the end

so long as we were together.

You and us. What do you say?

- Uh... - Uh, uh...

- Well-- - I, uh--

everybody! Hey, hey, look!

- It-- it's happening! - Ooh, they're unveiling the Hollywood sign.

Hurry, guys, you'll miss it.

After countless man hours and millions and millions of tax payer dollars,

the moment has finally arrived.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fluffy time biscuit company

is proud to present the one and only,

new and improved Hollywood sign.

That-- that's just--

oh, god, it's awful.

Robo wizard is an incredibly rare

and valuable piece of collectible americana.

Of nearly inestimable and historical significance

the likes of which you're unlikely to have

the privilege of laying eyes on again in your lifetime.

Uh! I'm so bored. What should we do tonight, sal?

I don't know, lind.

Can go to the fashion show or the movie premiere,

but I'm feeling like maybe we should rent cow costumes,

and crash the grand opening of celebrity chef Zechariah's

- new vegan restaurant. - - Hilarious.

Ladies,

do you think you could find it in your heart

to maybe go back to work for a little while?

Um, we are working, Mr. Kelly.

- See? - Oh, and Mr. Kelly,

unfortunately, you'll need to switch our schedules to part time.

Yeah, thanks, because next season we're supposed to have

babies or Mary conjoined twins, or something.