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[Deirdre]
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:06,693 --> 00:00:08,150
Neither of you were here
3
00:00:08,234 --> 00:00:10,234
for the Pickle Wiggle
fiasco of 1993.
4
00:00:10,317 --> 00:00:12,609
[Seb] Picture that thing,
but vibrating
5
00:00:12,693 --> 00:00:14,025
at the bottom
of a cereal box.
6
00:00:14,109 --> 00:00:15,776
I wanna see a place
that makes Mom so happy,
7
00:00:15,859 --> 00:00:16,984
she'd choose that over us.
8
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:18,651
[Judy] The show is a trap.
9
00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:19,984
You are a terrible father!
10
00:00:20,067 --> 00:00:21,651
Would you please
say something,
11
00:00:21,734 --> 00:00:22,526
anything, please?
12
00:00:22,609 --> 00:00:23,693
[all chanting] Murderer!
13
00:00:23,776 --> 00:00:25,651
You killed the magic!
14
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:28,859
[crowd] Murderer!
Murderer!
15
00:00:29,401 --> 00:00:31,818
♪ light music ♪
16
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,984
Breakfast
is so boring!
17
00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,651
- Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo!
18
00:00:36,734 --> 00:00:38,609
Maestro Pimento Fermata!
19
00:00:38,693 --> 00:00:40,150
What are you
doing here?
20
00:00:40,234 --> 00:00:43,150
Who is ready for some
breakfast-a música?
21
00:00:43,234 --> 00:00:45,442
[You Can Feel Anything
At All plays]
22
00:00:45,526 --> 00:00:47,317
[both] Wow!
Awesome!
23
00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:49,609
[Maestro] Allora-- now you
can be like the maestro
24
00:00:49,693 --> 00:00:51,192
and start your own choir
25
00:00:51,275 --> 00:00:53,818
by collecting
all four Pickle Wigglers.
26
00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:55,442
[tap tap tap]
27
00:00:55,526 --> 00:00:58,067
[opening notes of You Can
Feel Anything At All]
28
00:00:58,150 --> 00:01:00,275
[Maestro]
And even more good news!
29
00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:03,150
Best-O's is molto healthy
for your body.
30
00:01:03,234 --> 00:01:05,651
Mom, there's no added sugar!
31
00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:07,234
- Oh?
- Mom, there's no
32
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,150
- artificial colors!
- Oh?
33
00:01:09,234 --> 00:01:12,025
Mom, there's no
artificial flavors!
34
00:01:12,109 --> 00:01:14,025
Oh?
Best-O's Cereal.
35
00:01:14,109 --> 00:01:16,150
The cereal
that makes you go...
36
00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:17,442
oh!
37
00:01:18,651 --> 00:01:21,651
[Muzak playing over speakers]
38
00:01:21,734 --> 00:01:24,984
[background chatter]
39
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:27,025
- [woman] 'Scuse me.
- [chatter increases]
40
00:01:27,109 --> 00:01:28,859
[P.A.] Clean up, aisle seven.
41
00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:32,442
[women chattering]
42
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:36,818
What the fuck do they
put in this shit?
43
00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:38,109
[plastic rustling]
44
00:01:38,192 --> 00:01:40,984
Mom, there's no toy
in the box!
45
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,442
- [buzzing, tune playing]
- [woman] Ohh....oh!
46
00:01:43,526 --> 00:01:45,651
Ohh...
47
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:48,734
♪ percussive,
whimsical music ♪
48
00:01:48,818 --> 00:01:54,150
♪♪♪
49
00:02:00,984 --> 00:02:04,109
[Deirdre] Dad, don't hang up.
50
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,025
[Seb] I'm eating oatmeal.
Stop calling.
51
00:02:06,109 --> 00:02:08,150
I haven't seen him
since the Philippines.
52
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:09,609
[Jill] I don't care.
He's an adult.
53
00:02:09,693 --> 00:02:10,693
He'll come home.
54
00:02:10,776 --> 00:02:13,109
[click, beeping]
55
00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:16,484
[soft, heavy breathing]
56
00:02:26,526 --> 00:02:27,526
[click]
57
00:02:27,609 --> 00:02:29,234
[buzzing]
58
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,943
[You Can Feel
Anything At All playing]
59
00:02:31,025 --> 00:02:32,943
- [Deirdre] Ohh...ah...
- Mom?
60
00:02:33,025 --> 00:02:35,150
Mom, I'm hungry.
61
00:02:35,234 --> 00:02:36,901
- [music stops]
- [Deirdre] Oh, Jesus--
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00:02:36,984 --> 00:02:38,275
Where'd it go?
63
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:41,359
Where did it go?
Where did it go?
64
00:02:42,442 --> 00:02:43,401
[sighs]
65
00:02:43,484 --> 00:02:44,275
Ooh...
66
00:02:44,359 --> 00:02:46,192
Why are you walking
like that?
67
00:02:46,275 --> 00:02:49,275
Because this is how
stressed-out people walk
68
00:02:49,359 --> 00:02:51,693
when their brothers
go AWOL!
69
00:02:51,776 --> 00:02:52,859
Oh.
70
00:02:52,943 --> 00:02:54,609
What do I tell the Smithsonian
71
00:02:54,693 --> 00:02:55,734
if he doesn't show up?
72
00:02:55,818 --> 00:02:56,943
He'll be there.
73
00:02:57,025 --> 00:02:58,275
He's not going to miss
74
00:02:58,359 --> 00:03:00,359
his own lifetime
achievement award.
75
00:03:00,442 --> 00:03:01,651
This is stale.
76
00:03:01,734 --> 00:03:04,651
I've already lost
twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.
77
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,484
I can't lose 25.
78
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:08,984
Jeff lost his entire
pickle family.
79
00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,818
He's due some time on his own.
80
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,192
Maybe he finally...
81
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,109
Maddy.
82
00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:15,359
That is insanely
inappropriate.
83
00:03:15,442 --> 00:03:18,025
- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
84
00:03:18,109 --> 00:03:20,401
You don't think
this is my fault, do you?
85
00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:22,484
[exhales softly]
86
00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,651
Right, because
everything's my fault,
87
00:03:24,734 --> 00:03:26,651
always my fault--
just say it.
88
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:29,484
You regret putting me
in charge, don't you?
89
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,234
Just say it!
90
00:03:32,651 --> 00:03:33,984
Say it!
91
00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,526
Do you wish
you only had one child?
92
00:03:36,609 --> 00:03:38,943
Tell me, honestly,
right now.
93
00:03:39,025 --> 00:03:42,442
I wanna hear it.
It's open season.
94
00:03:45,943 --> 00:03:49,192
You are...unbelievable.
95
00:03:49,275 --> 00:03:51,275
Maddy, get in the car.
96
00:03:51,359 --> 00:03:53,526
I wanna stay with
Grandpa.
97
00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:54,943
Fine!
98
00:03:56,526 --> 00:03:58,567
Forget it.
99
00:04:00,943 --> 00:04:03,693
Were you
trying to talk just now
100
00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:06,234
but your brain
wouldn't let you?
101
00:04:06,317 --> 00:04:09,025
We need to go see
a doctor right now.
102
00:04:09,109 --> 00:04:12,442
[overlapping chatter]
103
00:04:15,192 --> 00:04:18,359
[soft chiming over speakers]
104
00:04:18,442 --> 00:04:19,693
Hey!
105
00:04:19,776 --> 00:04:22,317
Where's Jeff?
106
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:25,984
What happens
if he doesn't show up?
107
00:04:26,067 --> 00:04:29,317
Have you thought
about that?
108
00:04:33,150 --> 00:04:35,901
[Jimmy Jones'
Good Timin' plays]
109
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,984
♪♪♪
110
00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:40,359
♪ Oh, you need timin' ♪
111
00:04:40,442 --> 00:04:42,275
♪ A tick, a tick,
a tick...♪
112
00:04:42,359 --> 00:04:45,359
[Ray] Are you kidding?
You know what Kennedy'll do?
113
00:04:45,442 --> 00:04:48,734
He'll take this glad-ass
economy we're swimming in
114
00:04:48,818 --> 00:04:50,401
and burn it to shit
115
00:04:50,484 --> 00:04:54,109
with all those damn freebie
programs he's yawing about.
116
00:04:54,192 --> 00:04:55,609
At least he's got
what it takes
117
00:04:55,693 --> 00:04:57,859
to stand up to Khrushchev
and the Reds.
118
00:04:57,943 --> 00:04:59,192
Are you telling jokes?
119
00:04:59,275 --> 00:05:02,150
Nixon'll take a bite
into Khrushchev's thigh
120
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:05,317
and hold onto it forever
like a Doberman Pincher!
121
00:05:05,401 --> 00:05:07,317
It's a Pinscher,
not a Pincher.
122
00:05:07,401 --> 00:05:09,818
- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
123
00:05:09,901 --> 00:05:11,818
Larry,
settle an argument.
124
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:14,109
- [clattering]
- [Jeff] Gladys.
125
00:05:14,192 --> 00:05:16,776
What'd I tell you
about opening the fridge?
126
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,943
Stay in front of the bar.
127
00:05:19,025 --> 00:05:20,317
[inhales]
128
00:05:20,401 --> 00:05:24,192
Kennedy's a bootlegger...
but I like a bootlegger.
129
00:05:24,275 --> 00:05:26,651
Better than that war hawk
Dick Nixon.
130
00:05:26,734 --> 00:05:28,025
Larry served.
131
00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:30,109
I was a sniper in Korea.
132
00:05:30,192 --> 00:05:32,234
Took out a lotta bad guys.
No big deal.
133
00:05:32,317 --> 00:05:34,943
Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,
134
00:05:35,025 --> 00:05:37,776
but he's a family man
too.
135
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,150
You got kids, Larry?
136
00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:41,442
Phil, Will, Bill, Gil,
Til, and Dill--
137
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:42,401
all boys.
138
00:05:42,484 --> 00:05:44,359
Larry
with the strong semen!
139
00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:46,401
- [Larry laughs]
- Oh, yeah, and they're all
140
00:05:46,484 --> 00:05:48,651
- gonna vote Nixon, Larry!
- [Larry] Aw, come on!
141
00:05:48,734 --> 00:05:50,984
Larry, I'm still waitin'
on that Sidecar.
142
00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:52,734
Sorry, Babs.
143
00:05:52,818 --> 00:05:54,317
Next one's on the house.
144
00:05:54,401 --> 00:05:55,901
You're a prince, Larry.
145
00:05:55,984 --> 00:05:57,359
Ha. Tell ya what.
146
00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:58,776
Next one's on the house
for everybody.
147
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,275
- Oh!
- Oh!
148
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:03,776
- Hey, Larry!
- Larry! Larry!
149
00:06:03,859 --> 00:06:06,359
[all] Larry, Larry!
150
00:06:06,442 --> 00:06:08,818
- Larry, Larry!
- I need a quick refill.
151
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:11,067
[fading]
Larry, Larry...
152
00:06:11,150 --> 00:06:12,317
[music stops]
153
00:06:12,401 --> 00:06:14,067
They're dry as a bone
out there.
154
00:06:14,150 --> 00:06:15,984
Good.
Ha.
155
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,484
Let's keep it that way.
156
00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:33,442
- [small sigh]
- [liquid pouring]
157
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,025
You good, man?
158
00:06:37,109 --> 00:06:38,734
Uh...
159
00:06:38,818 --> 00:06:40,609
I should get going.
160
00:06:42,609 --> 00:06:44,401
Do you wanna be buried,
cremated,
161
00:06:44,484 --> 00:06:47,109
- or drowned?
- What?
162
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:49,901
[chatter, P.A. announcement]
163
00:06:49,984 --> 00:06:51,442
Did you see that woman?
164
00:06:51,526 --> 00:06:54,567
- What woman?
- It's the strangest thing.
165
00:06:54,651 --> 00:06:58,901
She looked exactly
like my ex-wife--exactly.
166
00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:00,567
I thought you hated her.
167
00:07:00,651 --> 00:07:01,901
I do.
168
00:07:01,984 --> 00:07:04,109
I also love her.
169
00:07:04,192 --> 00:07:05,776
I get it.
I really get it.
170
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,275
Wait here.
171
00:07:07,359 --> 00:07:09,192
- [door opens]
- [Debrincat] Sebastian.
172
00:07:09,275 --> 00:07:10,401
Sorry to keep you waiting.
173
00:07:10,484 --> 00:07:14,067
I had a momentary
inability to speak.
174
00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:16,776
But everything feels
tip-top now.
175
00:07:16,859 --> 00:07:18,192
I'm afraid your blood work
176
00:07:18,275 --> 00:07:20,567
tells a complicated story
of love and loss.
177
00:07:20,651 --> 00:07:22,275
- It does?
- It does what?
178
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,192
I'm sorry.
What did you say?
179
00:07:24,275 --> 00:07:26,150
I said you've had
a minor stroke.
180
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:28,734
Oh, well,
well, that's what I thought.
181
00:07:28,818 --> 00:07:32,150
And you're at risk
for a major one.
182
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,609
- Should she be here?
- She's my nurse.
183
00:07:34,693 --> 00:07:36,651
Maddy,
do you wanna leave?
184
00:07:36,734 --> 00:07:38,901
- No.
- [murmurs] All right.
185
00:07:38,984 --> 00:07:41,567
[Debrincat] Your red blood cell
count--it's high.
186
00:07:41,651 --> 00:07:43,734
It's like California
and earthquakes.
187
00:07:43,818 --> 00:07:46,192
The Big One
could come tomorrow.
188
00:07:46,275 --> 00:07:48,192
Could be a week, a month.
189
00:07:48,275 --> 00:07:50,651
- A year?
- I didn't say a year.
190
00:07:54,984 --> 00:07:56,859
Your heart
sounds scared.
191
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:02,651
Hey, let's just keep this
our little secret, okay?
192
00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,651
Pinky promise.
193
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,234
Pinky promise.
194
00:08:06,317 --> 00:08:09,109
Is there a cure for
dementia,
195
00:08:09,192 --> 00:08:11,275
Alzheimer's?
No.
196
00:08:11,359 --> 00:08:14,442
But can we treat it?
Yes.
197
00:08:14,526 --> 00:08:16,609
With quality memory care.
198
00:08:16,693 --> 00:08:20,859
Inside of these walls,
it is 1960 all day,
199
00:08:20,943 --> 00:08:22,442
every day.
200
00:08:22,526 --> 00:08:24,484
Mickey Mantle
bats for the Yankees
201
00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:27,776
and Eisenhower
sits in the Oval.
202
00:08:27,859 --> 00:08:28,859
[small laugh]
203
00:08:29,984 --> 00:08:32,859
Nostalgia therapy
comforts the fragile mind
204
00:08:32,984 --> 00:08:35,317
from--from outbursts--
205
00:08:35,401 --> 00:08:37,442
Could you excuse me
for one second?
206
00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:39,734
- [man] Sure.
- Thank you.
207
00:08:47,859 --> 00:08:49,401
[phone buzzes]
208
00:08:50,109 --> 00:08:51,567
[door opens]
209
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:55,567
[footsteps approach]
210
00:08:57,401 --> 00:08:59,734
What's up, man?
211
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:03,984
[sighs]
212
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,150
Can I stay
a little longer?
213
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:06,317
You're Jeff Pickles.
214
00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:08,317
You can stay
as long as you want.
215
00:09:08,401 --> 00:09:10,234
That's not true, Cornell.
216
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,192
No, no,
I really don't mind.
217
00:09:12,275 --> 00:09:13,609
You should know by now
218
00:09:13,693 --> 00:09:15,693
that visiting hours
don't apply to you.
219
00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:18,651
No, I mean you said
I'm Jeff Pickles, but...
220
00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:21,776
he isn't born
for another eight years.
221
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:24,526
Have I shown you
the bus stop?
222
00:09:24,609 --> 00:09:27,859
[mellow '60s easy listening]
223
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:31,109
♪♪♪
224
00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:33,651
[low background chatter]
225
00:09:33,734 --> 00:09:36,317
[Cornell] It's new
since your last visit.
226
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,442
Solved a big problem for us--
227
00:09:38,526 --> 00:09:41,484
what to do when a patient
wants to leave.
228
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:44,609
So now when they get
that itch to go,
229
00:09:44,693 --> 00:09:47,442
an aide comes and brings them
to the bus stop,
230
00:09:47,526 --> 00:09:50,901
and they wait
until they forget
231
00:09:50,984 --> 00:09:53,776
why they wanted to leave
in the first place.
232
00:09:54,776 --> 00:09:57,984
And they just go
right back inside.
233
00:09:58,067 --> 00:09:59,734
[sighs]
234
00:10:00,609 --> 00:10:02,609
But don't you feel like
you're lying
235
00:10:02,693 --> 00:10:05,067
to the elderly and demented?
236
00:10:05,150 --> 00:10:07,776
A lie is for you.
237
00:10:07,859 --> 00:10:09,776
This is for them.
238
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,484
We call it compassionate
deception.
239
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,567
But the bus
will never come
240
00:10:14,651 --> 00:10:16,734
and she'll never
get to leave.
241
00:10:16,818 --> 00:10:19,609
And Larry'll never get to
vote for Nixon.
242
00:10:19,693 --> 00:10:21,567
But he can make
a mean mocktail.
243
00:10:21,651 --> 00:10:23,901
Most of the people
who want to leave
244
00:10:23,984 --> 00:10:26,818
are trying to go somewhere
that doesn't exist anymore.
245
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:30,192
[huffs] Do we tell them
the spouse they wanna get to
246
00:10:30,275 --> 00:10:31,693
died 30 years ago
247
00:10:31,776 --> 00:10:34,442
or that their childhood home
is now a Walmart?
248
00:10:34,526 --> 00:10:36,567
- Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
249
00:10:36,651 --> 00:10:39,693
The fantasy is the pill.
250
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,442
So...
251
00:10:43,526 --> 00:10:44,776
it's not a lie
if it heals.
252
00:10:44,859 --> 00:10:47,943
[snaps fingers]
[softly] Exactly.
253
00:10:48,025 --> 00:10:49,359
[man] Dad?
254
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:53,067
Could you help me get ready?
255
00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:55,109
Sure, son.
256
00:10:55,192 --> 00:10:57,943
[mellow music continues]
257
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:03,484
♪♪♪
258
00:11:10,526 --> 00:11:13,317
[chaplain]
Since first meeting him
259
00:11:13,401 --> 00:11:15,734
as an OSU sophomore,
260
00:11:15,818 --> 00:11:19,150
I knew Jeff Pickles
would go on
261
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:22,943
to touch countless lives
262
00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:24,234
around the world.
263
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:28,442
In that spirit, let us take
a moment of silence
264
00:11:28,526 --> 00:11:31,567
to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles
265
00:11:31,651 --> 00:11:35,818
who was brutally murdered
by his own government.
266
00:11:38,818 --> 00:11:42,984
[You Can Feel Anything
At All playing, muffled]
267
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:47,526
♪♪♪
268
00:11:47,609 --> 00:11:49,192
[music fades]
269
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,651
We've been having
some trouble
270
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:52,651
selling that sad,
empty house next door,
271
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:57,359
but I think if we combine
the two lots,
272
00:11:57,442 --> 00:12:00,776
yours and his,
some happy person
273
00:12:00,859 --> 00:12:04,275
could build a spectacular
Monterey Colonial.
274
00:12:04,359 --> 00:12:06,401
Wait, what--
I would sell too?
275
00:12:06,484 --> 00:12:09,192
It's time.
Don't you agree?
276
00:12:09,275 --> 00:12:10,609
Change!
277
00:12:10,693 --> 00:12:12,442
What's a Monterey Colonial?
278
00:12:12,526 --> 00:12:14,150
[phone chiming]
279
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,651
Ugh.
[inhales]
280
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,109
- [chiming]
- [whispers] Hold on.
281
00:12:18,192 --> 00:12:19,734
Hello?
282
00:12:19,818 --> 00:12:21,526
[softly] Can you come to
where I am right now?
283
00:12:21,609 --> 00:12:22,609
I'm not going
to that awards thing.
284
00:12:22,693 --> 00:12:24,025
Neither is Will.
Stop asking.
285
00:12:24,109 --> 00:12:26,109
[sighs]
286
00:12:26,192 --> 00:12:27,734
Deirdre?
287
00:12:27,818 --> 00:12:28,693
What?
288
00:12:28,776 --> 00:12:30,484
- You called me.
- Yes.
289
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,192
Did you hear what I said?
290
00:12:32,275 --> 00:12:33,943
[Deirdre] I need immediate
medical attention.
291
00:12:34,025 --> 00:12:36,275
- Go to a hospital.
- It's a personal situation.
292
00:12:36,359 --> 00:12:37,609
Can you come here?
293
00:12:37,693 --> 00:12:40,275
Your family's not,
you know, I'm not...
294
00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:42,067
We're not related anymore.
295
00:12:42,150 --> 00:12:43,442
I'm your son's aunt!
296
00:12:43,526 --> 00:12:45,401
- Which makes us...
- Sisters!
297
00:12:45,484 --> 00:12:48,776
What is wrong with you?
Currently, I mean, medically.
298
00:12:48,859 --> 00:12:50,067
I really don't want
the federal government
299
00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:51,818
- listening in on this one.
- [tune plays]
300
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,317
Well, I'm just
in the middle--
301
00:12:53,401 --> 00:12:54,943
Can you please
come down here?
302
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:57,901
After church,
can we go fishing?
303
00:12:57,984 --> 00:13:00,734
A day on the lake?
I love lakes.
304
00:13:00,818 --> 00:13:02,734
- [chuckles]
- That's a great idea.
305
00:13:02,818 --> 00:13:06,526
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught
a 5-pounder the other day.
306
00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:08,234
- Ooh...
- But I don't believe him.
307
00:13:08,317 --> 00:13:10,776
Well, it's better to
believe someone who's lying
308
00:13:10,859 --> 00:13:13,275
than to doubt someone
who's telling the truth.
309
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,442
Thanks, Dad.
310
00:13:14,526 --> 00:13:16,984
You know,
you're a good dad.
311
00:13:19,359 --> 00:13:21,025
So then you take
312
00:13:21,109 --> 00:13:23,234
that big long one,
313
00:13:23,317 --> 00:13:25,484
and then you're done.
314
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:26,943
You think you can
do that next time?
315
00:13:27,025 --> 00:13:30,150
I might have to ask you
to show me again.
316
00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:32,651
Well, I'll be here.
317
00:13:34,776 --> 00:13:36,943
Who the fuck are you?
318
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,734
- [mellow music playing]
- [Jeff inaudible]
319
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,943
[Jeff] And two, and three...
320
00:13:42,025 --> 00:13:45,484
It was the wedding of our
dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?
321
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:47,609
Your vows
brought me to my knees.
322
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,776
[Edith]
The scent of fresh lilies.
323
00:13:49,859 --> 00:13:52,609
[Jeff] The sunlight
splashed across your face.
324
00:13:52,693 --> 00:13:54,776
[Edith]
It was perfect, wasn't it?
325
00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:56,442
I was so worried
about the salmon,
326
00:13:56,526 --> 00:13:58,150
but it was
everybody's favorite.
327
00:13:58,234 --> 00:14:00,067
Even Aunt Beth
went back for seconds.
328
00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:03,150
[laughing] And you know
how she can be.
329
00:14:03,234 --> 00:14:06,359
Who's Beth?
330
00:14:06,442 --> 00:14:08,067
Do you love me?
331
00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:11,025
I love you to the moon,
Leonard.
332
00:14:11,109 --> 00:14:13,401
[huskily] I love you
to the moon...
333
00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,275
wife.
334
00:14:15,359 --> 00:14:17,150
- [giggles]
- Spin!
335
00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:18,734
♪♪♪
336
00:14:18,818 --> 00:14:21,442
You're so lucky
to do this every day.
337
00:14:21,526 --> 00:14:23,442
[laughter,
background chatter]
338
00:14:23,526 --> 00:14:24,859
[Edith]
Oh...
339
00:14:24,943 --> 00:14:28,442
now dip me like one of
your French women.
340
00:14:28,526 --> 00:14:29,818
[inhales]
341
00:14:29,901 --> 00:14:33,984
♪ Only in my dreams ♪
342
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:38,317
♪ Only in
my dreams ♪
343
00:14:38,401 --> 00:14:41,067
[music fades]
344
00:14:41,150 --> 00:14:42,651
Hi, Mom.
345
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:46,067
You're confused.
I'm Louise.
346
00:14:47,275 --> 00:14:49,234
Hi, Louise.
347
00:14:49,317 --> 00:14:51,275
I'm your son.
348
00:14:53,317 --> 00:14:54,526
No.
349
00:14:54,609 --> 00:14:56,109
[laughs]
No.
350
00:14:56,192 --> 00:14:58,943
I don't think so.
[laughing]
351
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,859
So where ya headed,
Louise?
352
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:05,275
A place
that makes me happy.
353
00:15:05,359 --> 00:15:07,109
Niagara Falls?
354
00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:10,567
How did you know?
355
00:15:10,651 --> 00:15:12,192
Just a guess.
356
00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:14,275
My sister lives there.
357
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,526
I wish I could
go with you.
358
00:15:22,609 --> 00:15:25,192
No, I'm going alone.
359
00:15:26,401 --> 00:15:28,150
[Deirdre]
Cock fucker!
360
00:15:28,234 --> 00:15:29,067
Son of a fuck!
361
00:15:29,150 --> 00:15:32,776
I can't wait
to get out of
362
00:15:32,859 --> 00:15:34,859
- this fucking family!
- Please hurry.
363
00:15:34,943 --> 00:15:36,109
Every time it sings,
it goes up further.
364
00:15:36,192 --> 00:15:38,109
- [tune playing]
- [Deirdre] Oh--ooh--
365
00:15:38,192 --> 00:15:39,859
[Jill] You wouldn't have
had this problem with the alto.
366
00:15:39,943 --> 00:15:41,776
How was Hershey Park?
367
00:15:41,859 --> 00:15:43,984
Scott and I went there once,
but...
368
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,859
he thought the room
was haunted.
369
00:15:45,943 --> 00:15:48,067
Hershey Park
is an adolescent nightmare.
370
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:49,734
It's not even
ironically enjoyable.
371
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,567
Just because
you appreciate chocolate
372
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:54,234
doesn't mean you appreciate
a chocolate roller coaster.
373
00:15:54,317 --> 00:15:55,901
But filter "I love chocolate"
through a man's brain,
374
00:15:55,984 --> 00:15:58,025
and...whatever, doesn't matter.
375
00:15:58,109 --> 00:16:00,359
I don't matter.
Nothing matters
376
00:16:00,442 --> 00:16:01,693
except for the plumbing
377
00:16:01,776 --> 00:16:03,943
of my ex-husband's
sister's vagina.
378
00:16:04,025 --> 00:16:05,567
- Did something happen?
- Jesus, did this thing
379
00:16:05,651 --> 00:16:09,025
- take the subway?
- You're not wearing your ring.
380
00:16:09,109 --> 00:16:11,067
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said
381
00:16:11,150 --> 00:16:13,275
- Peter was proposing.
- Oh, really?
382
00:16:13,359 --> 00:16:15,609
He said this on the plane ride
back from being kidnapped
383
00:16:15,693 --> 00:16:17,109
- to the Philippines?
- No.
384
00:16:17,192 --> 00:16:18,943
On the chopper,
leaving the fishing vessel.
385
00:16:19,025 --> 00:16:21,359
I told Peter
I needed time to think.
386
00:16:21,442 --> 00:16:23,734
- You told him no?
- I said I need time
387
00:16:23,818 --> 00:16:25,275
because I need time.
388
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,234
- [toilet flushes]
- Because you still love Jeff.
389
00:16:27,317 --> 00:16:29,150
- I definitely have zero
feelings for that man--zero!
390
00:16:29,234 --> 00:16:31,275
[woman] Are you two okay
in there?
391
00:16:31,359 --> 00:16:32,317
- [Jill] Yeah, we're good.
- [Deirdre] We're just fine.
392
00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:33,776
Thank you.
393
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:36,192
Here, do this for me.
394
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:42,359
Hey, that's the woman,
her.
395
00:16:42,442 --> 00:16:44,359
That's Grandma.
396
00:16:45,859 --> 00:16:47,109
Are you sure
that's Grandma?
397
00:16:47,192 --> 00:16:50,150
Ah, you never forget
your first wife.
398
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:52,776
That's not really
Grandma.
399
00:16:52,859 --> 00:16:55,067
No,
but she's a dead ringer.
400
00:16:56,609 --> 00:16:58,150
Go over and say something.
401
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,192
- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.
402
00:17:00,275 --> 00:17:04,651
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
403
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:07,484
♪ soft music ♪
404
00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:12,484
♪♪♪
405
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:15,150
Excuse me.
406
00:17:16,401 --> 00:17:17,693
Yes?
407
00:17:17,776 --> 00:17:20,317
I'm sorry, but...
you look exactly like
408
00:17:20,401 --> 00:17:22,442
my ex-wife.
409
00:17:22,526 --> 00:17:23,859
That's a terrible line.
410
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:26,693
[murmurs] Oh,
my name is Sebastiano.
411
00:17:26,776 --> 00:17:28,651
Most everybody
calls me Seb.
412
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:32,150
And I wonder, um...
413
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:34,234
would you have
a meal with me?
414
00:17:34,317 --> 00:17:37,359
I'm busy at the moment,
but you knew that already.
415
00:17:37,442 --> 00:17:39,526
You should eat after
you do these things
416
00:17:39,609 --> 00:17:40,693
or you'll pass out.
417
00:17:40,776 --> 00:17:42,734
I have plans.
418
00:17:42,818 --> 00:17:45,109
I understand.
419
00:17:46,609 --> 00:17:48,109
Sebastiano.
420
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,025
Yes.
421
00:17:50,109 --> 00:17:52,901
Give me a reason
to cancel my plans.
422
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:55,526
I'll give you one tonight.
423
00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:57,901
And another tomorrow morning.
424
00:17:57,984 --> 00:18:00,943
♪ whimsical music ♪
425
00:18:01,025 --> 00:18:06,192
♪♪♪
426
00:18:09,943 --> 00:18:12,401
Your tux reminds me
of a dream I had last night.
427
00:18:12,484 --> 00:18:13,818
Oh, God.
Ha.
428
00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:15,192
There's nothing more
annoying
429
00:18:15,275 --> 00:18:17,401
than hearing about
someone's dreams.
430
00:18:17,484 --> 00:18:18,234
That's not true.
431
00:18:18,317 --> 00:18:20,693
Nobody hated
Martin Luther King.
432
00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:22,150
Well, somebody did.
433
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:23,901
- Oh!
- [both chuckling]
434
00:18:23,984 --> 00:18:25,567
[woman]
You can't make that joke.
435
00:18:25,651 --> 00:18:27,109
[both] Fuck you!
436
00:18:27,192 --> 00:18:29,192
[snickering]
437
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,609
Are you sure
we've never met?
438
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:33,067
[laughs]
439
00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,234
Excuse me for a moment.
440
00:18:35,317 --> 00:18:37,275
Wait a minute--there's
something I wanna tell you.
441
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,859
You should know that I had
a small stroke today,
442
00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:46,359
but I'm fine.
I'm completely fine.
443
00:18:46,442 --> 00:18:48,317
Glad to hear it.
444
00:18:49,859 --> 00:18:52,984
♪ whimsical music ♪
445
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:58,275
♪♪♪
446
00:19:24,901 --> 00:19:26,943
♪ whimsical music fades ♪
447
00:19:27,025 --> 00:19:29,776
[dinner music playing
over speakers]
448
00:19:29,859 --> 00:19:30,734
What?
449
00:19:30,818 --> 00:19:32,984
Have you ever felt that
450
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:37,526
life is sometimes
suddenly...
451
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,484
so magical?
452
00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:41,150
Yes.
453
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:44,943
But when you say it,
it sounds stupid.
454
00:19:45,025 --> 00:19:47,901
[both laughing]
455
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,317
[Seb] Mmm.
456
00:20:00,317 --> 00:20:02,859
What's beating you up,
little boy?
457
00:20:02,943 --> 00:20:06,359
Guess I just don't
wanna be me.
458
00:20:08,109 --> 00:20:10,234
What's the me
you wanna be?
459
00:20:11,150 --> 00:20:12,818
Someone whose wife
isn't remarrying
460
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,651
an anesthesiologist.
461
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:17,859
Someone whose...
462
00:20:17,943 --> 00:20:21,317
son...
is still talking to him.
463
00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:28,275
Someone who can cope--
ha--with his feelings.
464
00:20:30,109 --> 00:20:34,192
You can feel
anything at all.
465
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:38,275
Anything at all,
you can feel it.
466
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,275
[whispers] Thanks.
467
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,609
That's good advice.
468
00:20:43,693 --> 00:20:45,317
It's not advice.
469
00:20:45,401 --> 00:20:47,609
I read that on the back
of a prophylactic.
470
00:20:47,693 --> 00:20:49,401
Oh.
471
00:20:51,526 --> 00:20:54,609
There's a way out,
if you wanna hear it.
472
00:20:56,150 --> 00:20:58,234
See, I've got a bastard
of a husband
473
00:20:58,317 --> 00:21:01,192
and two kids
I can't stand.
474
00:21:01,275 --> 00:21:04,192
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
475
00:21:04,275 --> 00:21:06,984
Adorable, funny...
476
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:08,401
paperweights.
477
00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:11,484
But the good news is
you can always escape.
478
00:21:13,025 --> 00:21:14,067
You can?
479
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:15,526
- Sure.
- Oh.
480
00:21:15,609 --> 00:21:16,567
It's easy.
481
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:20,359
Failure doesn't have to
follow you.
482
00:21:20,442 --> 00:21:22,234
I'm escaping
to Niagara Falls
483
00:21:22,317 --> 00:21:24,734
to where my sister
lives.
484
00:21:24,818 --> 00:21:27,192
You want out?
485
00:21:27,275 --> 00:21:31,234
You just have to
get on the bus.
486
00:21:31,317 --> 00:21:35,192
And the bus...
always shows up.
487
00:21:35,275 --> 00:21:38,150
♪ soft music ♪
488
00:21:38,234 --> 00:21:43,401
♪♪♪
489
00:21:50,192 --> 00:21:53,526
I'm sorry.
I have...to go home.
490
00:22:03,693 --> 00:22:07,693
[chaplain] As a monotheist,
I always believed
491
00:22:07,776 --> 00:22:09,901
there was one creator.
492
00:22:09,984 --> 00:22:12,192
Until I met our next speaker.
493
00:22:12,275 --> 00:22:15,275
Please welcome the alchemist
494
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,734
who creates all those
wonderful creatures
495
00:22:17,818 --> 00:22:21,693
on Puppet Time,
Deirdre Piccirillo.
496
00:22:24,693 --> 00:22:26,109
Deirdre?
497
00:22:26,192 --> 00:22:27,776
Is she here?
498
00:22:27,859 --> 00:22:29,025
Go to the E.R.
499
00:22:29,109 --> 00:22:30,484
You know whose fault this is?
500
00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:31,526
Duterte.
501
00:22:31,609 --> 00:22:34,234
He turned the Philippines
into a police state.
502
00:22:34,317 --> 00:22:36,776
He has oppressed his people
for too long.
503
00:22:36,859 --> 00:22:39,943
You can't just heave a man
off a building
504
00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:41,943
for singing about divorce!
505
00:22:42,025 --> 00:22:44,275
The problem is men.
506
00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:46,401
That's the common thread here.
507
00:22:46,484 --> 00:22:50,818
Scott--a man--steals
my furniture, my puppets,
508
00:22:50,901 --> 00:22:52,234
ends my marriage?
509
00:22:52,317 --> 00:22:54,359
- Sure.
- Thank you!
510
00:22:54,442 --> 00:22:57,943
And Dad--it's like,
why are you trusting me?
511
00:22:58,025 --> 00:22:59,484
Me?
You can't trust me!
512
00:22:59,567 --> 00:23:01,442
- [Jill chuckles]
- For the past 30 years,
513
00:23:01,526 --> 00:23:03,567
all I'm doing
is making puppets.
514
00:23:03,651 --> 00:23:06,317
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
515
00:23:06,401 --> 00:23:08,734
[strained laugh]
That's on you, Pop.
516
00:23:08,818 --> 00:23:10,067
Anyone else on your list?
517
00:23:10,150 --> 00:23:12,567
Yeah!
Who doesn't show up
518
00:23:12,651 --> 00:23:14,984
for their own
lifetime achievement award?
519
00:23:15,067 --> 00:23:16,693
Selfish people.
520
00:23:16,776 --> 00:23:17,859
When I get an award
521
00:23:17,943 --> 00:23:19,984
for giving away
all the money I embezzled,
522
00:23:20,067 --> 00:23:21,192
I show the fuck up.
523
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:22,776
Uh-uh, no.
524
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:24,109
What?
525
00:23:24,192 --> 00:23:26,317
You're a mess.
You've always been a mess.
526
00:23:26,401 --> 00:23:28,693
All that is happening to you
is your fault
527
00:23:28,776 --> 00:23:30,025
and no one else's.
528
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:31,442
In no uncertain terms,
529
00:23:31,526 --> 00:23:34,859
you are the architect
of your own catastrophe
530
00:23:34,943 --> 00:23:38,484
except maybe the Duterte thing,
but he's a dictator.
531
00:23:38,567 --> 00:23:41,025
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
532
00:23:41,109 --> 00:23:44,025
You chose to put Jeff on the
air with very few guardrails.
533
00:23:44,109 --> 00:23:45,567
You chose to manufacture a doll
534
00:23:45,651 --> 00:23:47,526
that listens to children
sleeping,
535
00:23:47,609 --> 00:23:51,984
and you chose to stick a very
expensive vibrating pickle
536
00:23:52,067 --> 00:23:54,025
into your vagina!
537
00:23:54,109 --> 00:23:55,359
I'm sorry.
538
00:23:55,442 --> 00:23:57,567
You twisted its head,
you made it burrow,
539
00:23:57,651 --> 00:24:00,150
you made it sing--you!
Your fault, you!
540
00:24:00,234 --> 00:24:02,609
You are Duterte!
541
00:24:03,818 --> 00:24:07,651
I've been fucking myself
this whole time!
542
00:24:11,984 --> 00:24:13,567
[thwup, clatter]
543
00:24:13,651 --> 00:24:16,818
[vibrating, playing You Can
Feel Anything At All]
544
00:24:16,901 --> 00:24:18,192
♪♪♪
545
00:24:18,275 --> 00:24:20,359
[gasps]
546
00:24:20,442 --> 00:24:22,901
- [continues playing]
- [exhales]
547
00:24:22,984 --> 00:24:25,818
♪ light music ♪
548
00:24:25,901 --> 00:24:31,317
♪♪♪
549
00:24:36,567 --> 00:24:38,818
- [sighs]
- [footsteps hurry away]
550
00:24:43,401 --> 00:24:46,984
I can't keep chasing her,
can I?
551
00:24:47,067 --> 00:24:49,818
No, man.
Can't.
552
00:24:51,567 --> 00:24:55,984
Sooner or later,
you gotta accept reality.
553
00:24:56,067 --> 00:24:58,359
Sooner is better.
554
00:24:58,442 --> 00:25:01,192
♪ somber music ♪
555
00:25:01,275 --> 00:25:06,693
♪♪♪
556
00:25:09,109 --> 00:25:13,526
[cheers and applause]
557
00:25:15,859 --> 00:25:17,776
Good evening.
558
00:25:17,859 --> 00:25:19,317
I'm Jeff Pickles.
559
00:25:19,401 --> 00:25:21,567
[applause fades]
560
00:25:24,317 --> 00:25:27,025
You know, my whole life...
561
00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:30,734
I felt I had to choose
between my job and my family.
562
00:25:32,234 --> 00:25:35,484
And it took me till today
563
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:38,734
to realize how easy
that choice is.
564
00:25:41,317 --> 00:25:45,234
Because one of them is real
565
00:25:45,317 --> 00:25:47,484
and one is a fantasy.
566
00:25:47,567 --> 00:25:51,150
[Jimmy Jones'
Good Timin' plays]
567
00:25:51,234 --> 00:25:53,734
♪ Oh, you need timin' ♪
568
00:25:53,818 --> 00:25:56,901
♪ A tick, a tick, a tick
of good timin' ♪
569
00:25:56,984 --> 00:25:58,734
A tock, a tock, a tock,
a tock ♪
570
00:25:58,818 --> 00:26:01,567
♪ Timin' is the thing,
it's true ♪
571
00:26:01,651 --> 00:26:04,359
♪ Good timin'
brought me to you ♪
572
00:26:04,442 --> 00:26:06,818
♪ vocalizing ♪
573
00:26:06,901 --> 00:26:10,067
♪ What would happen
if you and I ♪
574
00:26:10,150 --> 00:26:13,651
♪ Hadn't just happened
to meet? ♪
575
00:26:13,734 --> 00:26:16,693
♪ We might have spent
the rest of our lives ♪
576
00:26:16,776 --> 00:26:20,526
♪ Walkin' down
misery street, but we had ♪
577
00:26:20,609 --> 00:26:22,734
♪ Timin',
a tick, a tick, a tick ♪
578
00:26:22,818 --> 00:26:26,484
♪ Good timin', a tock,
a tock, a tock, a tock ♪
579
00:26:26,567 --> 00:26:27,526
♪ Timin' is the thing,
it's true ♪
580
00:26:27,609 --> 00:26:28,776
♪ Tinishehi,
'sru♪
39647
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