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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:04,805 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 2 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,842 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 3 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:12,946 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 4 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,884 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 5 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:21,288 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 6 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,590 ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ 7 00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:24,591 DUNCAN: (laughs) 8 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:25,659 Ooh! (growls) 9 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:27,394 ‐KIMBERLY: Mommy! ‐DUNCAN: Aaaaaaah! 10 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,229 ‐ANNIE: Duncan! ‐JACK: Duncan! 11 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,701 ANNIE: Come on, move it. What's taking you so long? 12 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:35,769 Toast, darn you. 13 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,305 You've got one job, and you can't even do it. 14 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,706 Forget it. You're too late. 15 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,074 Is Mommy okay? 16 00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:42,109 She's fine. 17 00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:43,176 It's just that time of the month. 18 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,411 Ew, gross. 19 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,246 The monthly shedding of a woman's uterine wall 20 00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,715 ‐is not gross. ‐Sounds gross. 21 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,183 He means it's quota day. 22 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,418 You know, the last day of the month 23 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,288 for me to write as many parking tickets as possible? 24 00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:55,756 Plus I'm on my period. 25 00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:56,790 I'm done. 26 00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:59,092 But, Mom, you said ticket quotas were a myth. 27 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,094 They are, honey‐‐ a myth that's real. 28 00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:03,630 Making my quota is the only way I'll get promoted 29 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,833 to moving violations and then riot control 30 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,835 and someday detective. 31 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,037 These boots were made 32 00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,972 for kicking down doors without a warrant. 33 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,106 Hiyah! 34 00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:15,208 Okay, I don't know what time I'll be home, 35 00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:16,643 so Dad's in charge. 36 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:18,145 Do whatever he says. 37 00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:19,680 Jack, I left instructions on the fridge. 38 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,182 ‐Do whatever I say. ‐On it, my quota queen. 39 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:25,419 (dramatic music) 40 00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:28,555 ♪ ♪ 41 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:29,856 A bulletproof vest? 42 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,759 People really hate quota day. 43 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:36,763 (Annie grumbles) 44 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,202 The streets cry out for justice. 45 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,004 The meters cry out for quarters‐‐ 46 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,339 and often credit cards‐‐ 47 00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:48,008 so let's show this town why they hate us. 48 00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,943 (all cheering) 49 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,312 (engines rumbling) 50 00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:54,014 Morning, Detectives. 51 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,950 Serpowitz, JT, Detective Wags. 52 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,352 ‐Who's that? ‐Beats me. 53 00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,252 (woofs) 54 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,455 (sighs) Someday I'll drink at 9:00 a. m. 55 00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,757 and wonder how I became a dirty cop. 56 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,759 WOMAN (over radio: You're listening to Pipe Down 57 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,127 with Ron and Rob. 58 00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,796 RON: Welcome back to Pipe Down. I'm Ron. 59 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,031 ROB: And I'm Rob. 60 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,100 ‐Today's topic: Drano. ‐(groans) 61 00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:14,935 It's going to be the end of us. 62 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,004 RON: You said the same thing about Liquid Plummer. 63 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,972 This is a big "pipe down" for me. 64 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,274 Oh, Ron and Rob just can't agree. 65 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:23,977 Ugh, please change the station. 66 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,746 Sure, these guys died years ago. 67 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,248 ‐(pop music playing) ‐(gasps) I love this song! 68 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,783 ♪ My booty goes pop ♪ 69 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,151 ‐Okay, we're here. ‐Ugh. 70 00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,320 JING: Yay, I love school! 71 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,088 No, Jing, school sucks. 72 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,957 Yeah, school sucks. 73 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,859 Well, you gotta go. It's on the fridge. 74 00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:40,127 Fridge sucks. 75 00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:41,395 But you're always telling us stories 76 00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:42,529 about how you and your friends 77 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,197 skipped school when you were a kid. 78 00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:46,266 Those were simpler times, Kimber. 79 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,901 Schools didn't have automated systems 80 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,269 calling the house when you ditched. 81 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,972 All they had was a crotchety old principal 82 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,373 who would chase us through the mall. 83 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,909 (chuckles) Screw you, Sanderson. 84 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,545 You used to be so cool, Dad. 85 00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,713 I'm still cool. 86 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,083 (turn signal clicking) 87 00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,052 Now a little toot‐toot to announce my presence. 88 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,186 (car horn toots) 89 00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,622 Oh, I take it back, Dad. You're a badass. 90 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,323 (both giggling) 91 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,526 That does it! I'll show you who's cool. 92 00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:15,328 Buckle up! No, wait. Don't buckle up. 93 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:16,897 ‐KIMBERLY: Yes. ‐JING: Yay! 94 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:20,467 Screw you, Sanderson! 95 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,738 (upbeat music) 96 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,039 What up, students? 97 00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,974 ALL: What's up, Mr. Mitch? 98 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,109 Bad news, homies. 99 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:30,677 You're not here to see a magician. 100 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:31,678 ‐ALL: What? ‐Aw! 101 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,480 That's the only reason I came to school today. 102 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,316 But the school board is making our budget disappear. 103 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,219 ‐That's clever. ‐Dat boy a word magician. 104 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:41,922 The following programs have been deemed expendable. 105 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:45,926 ‐Drama... ‐Nooooooooo! 106 00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,961 ‐Chess club... ‐Nyet! 107 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,396 A cappella choir... 108 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:52,232 ALL (harmonizing): ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ 109 00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:54,868 And Coach Walters will now be your school nurse. 110 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,336 I don't do girl problems! 111 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,604 (cell phones buzzing and chiming) 112 00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,672 (Duncan gasps) 113 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,074 Hey, check it out. New Air Jordan sneaker drop. 114 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,476 (all cheering) 115 00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:05,178 New Air Js will totally change my life. 116 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,348 ALL (chanting): Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! 117 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,585 (grunting) 118 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,820 ‐(grunts triumphantly) ‐(crowd cheering) 119 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,690 ‐(lively music) ‐(grunting) 120 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,525 To the pop‐up! 121 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,827 Come on, Yangzi, I said "to the pop‐up." 122 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,829 Tee‐hee‐hee. I'm an influencer. 123 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,766 I don't wait in line with drooling brain‐dead teens. 124 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,167 No offense. 125 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,336 Uh, it's cool. 126 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,838 Bam, boom, katoosh! 127 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,673 I love this game. 128 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:34,841 (gasps) 129 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:38,211 Oh, Annie, you lucky duck. 130 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,781 ‐(screaming) ‐(guns blasting) 131 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,249 (meter buzzes) 132 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:43,650 ‐(guns clicking) ‐Hmm? 133 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:46,186 (gasps) Hi. 134 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,522 Not today, meter cheater! 135 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:49,890 (panting) 136 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,324 ‐(grunting) ‐(tires screeching) 137 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:52,392 (grunts) 138 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,661 (grunting) 139 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,364 (dramatic music) 140 00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,833 ‐Ha, beat you! ‐Oh, yeah? 141 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,469 ‐Check behind your ear. ‐What the‐‐ 142 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,572 ‐Thanks for playin'. ‐Hey, those are my sunglasses. 143 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,708 Yes. 144 00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,845 Can't believe I'm gonna own a new pair of Air Js. 145 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,613 I worked my ass off for this money, 146 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:14,681 but it's worth it. 147 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,216 JACK: Hey, Dunker, it's Dad. 148 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,585 The day you were born was the best day‐‐ 149 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,687 My mom's boyfriend left his wallet 150 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,856 on the kitchen counter‐‐idiot. 151 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,291 My grandma pays me to read 152 00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:26,526 my dead grandpa's letters to her. 153 00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:28,128 They're devastating. 154 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:33,333 MAN: Okay, 114, 115, 116, get your cash out. 155 00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:38,171 Yeah, we're the greatest generation! 156 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,707 (upbeat music) 157 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:41,675 What a fun day. 158 00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:44,444 I lost $300 in business, but it was worth it. 159 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,012 It was so fun hanging out with you 160 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,514 at the mall during school hours. 161 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,316 I didn't have to worry about the popular girls 162 00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,651 knowing I have a father. 163 00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:53,286 And I got candy. 164 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,422 Good‐bye, gummy giraffe. (chomps) 165 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,390 Good‐bye, gummy shark. (chomps) 166 00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:00,627 Good‐bye, gummy...vitamin C? Yuck. 167 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,096 MAN: Sorry, honey, I can't make our anniversary dinner. 168 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:05,131 I'm really sick. (gulps) 169 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,567 I'm cured, and I want a divorce! 170 00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,336 Thanks for buying me this book, Dad. 171 00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:11,104 You know how much I love to read. 172 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,340 And you're totally rocking that shirt. 173 00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,309 The lady at the store said it's designed by Jimmy Buffett. 174 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,144 A parrot golfing? (chuckles) 175 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,212 What a mind. 176 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,647 I'm hungry. What's for dinner? 177 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:21,648 Something fun? 178 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,350 Let's see what Mom left us. 179 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:27,053 Green beans, spinach casserole, and low‐sodium Tofurky. 180 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,457 Such an uncool meal. 181 00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:31,591 ‐Yay! ‐Yes! 182 00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:34,461 How dare you cancel our anniversary dinner? 183 00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:36,696 Now what am I supposed to eat? 184 00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:37,931 Divorce granted. 185 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:41,001 Okay, everybody grab something and throw it in this bowl. 186 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,435 ‐Frankfurters. ‐Bologna. 187 00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:44,804 ‐Various cheeses. ‐Jalapeños. 188 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,874 You know me. I'm going spaghetti. 189 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,611 ♪ Stir it up, little darlin' ♪ 190 00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,813 ♪ Stir it up ♪ 191 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,484 ♪ Cook it up, little darlin' ♪ 192 00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:58,518 ♪ Cook it up ♪ 193 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,220 (microwave dings) 194 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:04,057 I present to you Francheezy! 195 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,693 BOTH (chanting): Francheezy! Francheezy! 196 00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:10,931 (all gobbling) 197 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,432 I'm not just saying this to get things 198 00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:15,001 out of you anymore, but you're pretty cool. 199 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,870 Cool Daddy. 200 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,471 Thank you, Francheezy. 201 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:20,707 Mmm. 202 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,175 ‐(bees buzzing) ‐(all grunting) 203 00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,276 Before these shoes, 204 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,612 we could never agitate these bees. 205 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,781 (buzzing) 206 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:35,855 Hey, Yangzi, notice anything different about us? (laughs) 207 00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,057 Yeah, your shoes are fake. 208 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,059 What are you talking about? 209 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,794 The stitching is crooked, the shade is off, 210 00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:41,695 the soles are misshapen, 211 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:43,229 there's a pilgrim buckle across the top, 212 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,564 and that ain't Michael Jordan. 213 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,533 It is impish man‐boy James Corden. 214 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:47,968 Ugh, I can't believe we didn't notice 215 00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,569 those five obvious things. 216 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,439 Oh, Air Cordens? 217 00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:53,673 (grunts) 218 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,376 ‐(bees buzzing aggressively) ‐(all shouting) 219 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:59,045 (buzzing) 220 00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,548 (engine rumbling) 221 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,717 Hmm. 222 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:06,886 Over 18 inches from the curb, no plates, 223 00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:08,355 parked the wrong way? 224 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,291 Oh, Annie, you are the luckiest of ducks. 225 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,495 (gasps) What in Hickory Hill? 226 00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,198 A dead body‐‐ my first crime scene! 227 00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:20,867 This is my shot at finally making detective. 228 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:24,237 I'm gonna ask you one last time‐‐gum? 229 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,739 No, thanks, I'm diabetic. 230 00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,774 You son of a bitch! Admit it! 231 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,143 You killed him, and you put him in the trunk of your car. 232 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,878 It wasn't me! I swear! 233 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,114 I didn't kill any fat guy. 234 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,249 I never said it was a fat guy. 235 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,118 Take him to the electric chair and hang him! 236 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,754 Lady, you are a hell of a detective. 237 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,889 Aren't you dead yet? 238 00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,025 ‐Hmm. ‐(siren whoops) 239 00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,526 All right, we'll take it from here. 240 00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:49,229 But I found the body. I'm the lead on this. 241 00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,331 We gotta dust for prints, collect fibers, 242 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,466 get hollered at by a captain who's been pressured 243 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,802 by the mayor because it's an election year. 244 00:08:55,869 --> 00:09:00,106 Sorry, your jurisdiction ends at the windshield, meter maid. 245 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,107 (laughter) 246 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,642 (snickering) 247 00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,310 (somber music) 248 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,679 (indistinct police radio chatter) 249 00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,014 Oh. 250 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,554 This is...so un...fair! 251 00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:17,490 What those detectives did to you stinks, honey, 252 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,559 but the important thing is, you made your quota, 253 00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:22,729 and the girls definitely went to school yesterday. 254 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:23,897 Quota shmota. 255 00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,331 That dead body was the greatest thing 256 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,800 that has ever happened to me. 257 00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:30,136 Now every time I see a corpse, I'm just gonna feel bad. 258 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,604 DUNCAN: I had a bad day too. 259 00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:32,872 The school's out of cash, 260 00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:34,908 that pop‐up sold us all fake sneakers, 261 00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:38,044 and I got stung by a bunch of bees for absolutely no reason. 262 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,246 Fake sneakers? Have you told the police? 263 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,581 No, I'm no snitch. 264 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,017 Good, the cops will just steal your dream 265 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,418 and call you a meter maid. 266 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,220 We have to fight back, Dunkie. 267 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,123 No way! I've got important work to do. 268 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,126 Oh, yeah. 269 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,028 (chuckles) Nice. 270 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,329 Oh, this is brilliant. 271 00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,432 You and I will go undercover, bust that fake shoe ring, 272 00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:02,035 and prove to those detectives that I am every inch 273 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,536 the dick that they are. 274 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,604 Just let it go, Mom. 275 00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,940 Somebody's gotta be the victim. I say why not us? 276 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,208 Night‐night. (snores) 277 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,710 Come on, Duncan, you and I are Tango and Cash‐ing it. 278 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:11,678 (grunts) 279 00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:14,080 And, Jack, you're Mr. Mom‐ing it again. 280 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,450 Don't worry. Cool Dad's got this. 281 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:21,121 Hey, there's my breakfast club. Francheezy dance! 282 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,022 (humming) 283 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:26,159 ‐(groans) ‐My tummy feels angry. 284 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,095 You poisoned us with your stupid Francheezy. 285 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,097 It can't be the Francheezy. 286 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,166 I ate twice as much as you, and I feel‐‐ 287 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,200 Is it hot in here? 288 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,769 (stomachs rumbling) 289 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,806 ANNIE: Step one: we go back to the scene of the crime 290 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:43,276 posing as ordinary customers looking to buy shoes. 291 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,612 When they sell us fakes‐‐ blammo‐‐ 292 00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,113 ‐I blow their heads off... ‐What? 293 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,915 With the news that they're under arrest, 294 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,884 and I get promoted to detective. 295 00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:52,185 Now, do you wanna do this or not? 296 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,820 I already said I don't wanna do this. 297 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,054 Here we go. Follow my lead. 298 00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,556 Don't say anything stupid. 299 00:10:56,623 --> 00:11:00,760 Hello, I'm silent movie star Lolita St. Clair, 300 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:05,098 and this is my 6'8" NBA all‐star paramour, 301 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,433 ‐Harold Hoops. ‐Oh, my God. 302 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,336 Bring us your finest Air Jordans. 303 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:14,140 Douglas Fairbanks has a pair, and he says they're 22 skidoo. 304 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,142 The sneaker pop‐up closed yesterday. 305 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,211 We're now a St. Paddy's Day pop‐up. 306 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,812 Sorry, forgot to turn on the lights. 307 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:22,348 (sprightly Irish music playing) 308 00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:25,985 Well, we did everything we could. 309 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:27,587 ‐See you around, Mom. ‐No. 310 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,523 Somebody in this neighborhood must have seen something. 311 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,692 Hmm. Hmm? 312 00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:35,728 Hmm. Hello. 313 00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,397 But whose camera is it? 314 00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,098 Hmm. 315 00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:40,833 (gasps) 316 00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,101 A strip club? 317 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,771 Yeah, Mom, come on! 318 00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,773 (dance music playing) 319 00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,408 ‐You 21? ‐Of course. 320 00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:50,476 I'm NBA all‐star Harold Hoops, 321 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,812 and this is some old, dead movie star. 322 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,781 That's the spirit, Dunkie. 323 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:56,716 Huh? 324 00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:59,052 ♪ ♪ 325 00:11:59,118 --> 00:12:00,253 Hey. 326 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,088 Hey, Mom, can I borrow $100 for school? 327 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,289 Don't be fooled, Duncan. 328 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,024 These girls are not in love with you, 329 00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:06,492 so get that out of your head right now. 330 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,162 They're working women just like your mom. 331 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,464 I'm naked, you lucky duck! 332 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:17,070 ♪ ♪ 333 00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:21,374 Hmm. Hmm. 334 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:22,475 (gasps) 335 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,811 (tape squealing) 336 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,447 Okay, here we go. There you are. 337 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:31,084 Huh, wha‐‐your posture is so terrible. 338 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,819 I paid all that money for a back brace. 339 00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:34,153 You're not even wearing it. 340 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,223 It makes my back straight and uncomfortable. 341 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:41,494 Ooh, a white van: the chariot of creeps. 342 00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,632 Duncan, you know computers. Zoom in! 343 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:46,966 (fingers squeaking) 344 00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,234 Ugh! 345 00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,105 Of course, the docks. 346 00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:54,073 Come on, Duncan, it's stakeout time. 347 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:55,108 Duncan? 348 00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:56,442 No, no, the work you're doing here 349 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:57,877 is so important, you know? 350 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,112 The country's so divided. 351 00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:00,613 Okay, thank you for your service, 352 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,382 and God bless America. 353 00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:06,586 ‐JING: Ugh. ‐JACK: Who needs the Pepto? 354 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,888 Me. (gulping) 355 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,156 (burps) 356 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,993 I think I speak for everyone when I say 357 00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,695 there's nothing cool about this moment, 358 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:18,097 but do you remember how much fun yesterday was? 359 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:19,766 Totally worth it, right guys? 360 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,901 We're dying, Daddy. 361 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,737 Why didn't you just take us to school? 362 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,706 I think the worst is over. 363 00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:27,807 (stomach rumbles) 364 00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:29,175 Nope, just the eye of the storm. 365 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,110 I'm gonna be sick again. 366 00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:32,178 Let's see here. 367 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,747 There's three of us and only two bathrooms, 368 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,382 ‐so bye! ‐(girls shriek) 369 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,383 (grunting) 370 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,118 ‐Out of my way‐‐ ‐Oh, no, you don't. 371 00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,354 ‐(grunting) ‐Ow, my tail! 372 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,655 ‐JACK: Ugh, no, no‐‐ ‐KIMBERLY: Made it. 373 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:43,890 ‐JACK: Hey! ‐JING: Oh. 374 00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:45,491 KIMBERLY: Didn't make it. 375 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,529 Mine! 376 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:50,997 You're too young to remember this. 377 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,432 Oh, God, I hate myself. 378 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,802 JING: Daddy! 379 00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:58,705 (suspenseful music) 380 00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,207 ANNIE: Ah, the docks. 381 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:04,444 All the worst crimes in the world happen here. 382 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:10,383 ♪ ♪ 383 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,519 Elephant tusks! Get your elephant tusks! 384 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,089 Serve no purpose at all elephant tusks! 385 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,724 I'll take three. 386 00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,426 Should we report that to somebody? 387 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,361 No time. 388 00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,496 We have one goal: make me a detective. 389 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,365 I thought we were trying to get my money back. 390 00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,700 Shh, there's the sneaker guy's van. 391 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:32,672 ‐Now we wait till he returns. ‐Ugh, how long? 392 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,374 As long as it takes. 393 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,076 Every good detective needs patience. 394 00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:39,345 Hmm. (groans) 395 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,413 ‐(horn honking) ‐Ugh, come on, come on, come on! 396 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,881 Come on, come on! Crime, where are you? 397 00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,484 Hey, lady, it's after 10:00 p. m.! 398 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,985 Some people. 399 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,820 (water splashes) 400 00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:51,391 Okay, kids, Amazon app is open, 401 00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,192 and it's time for me to buy your love. 402 00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:54,927 Fill the cart with whatever you want. 403 00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:57,296 I'm too weak to point. 404 00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,265 Whoa, a Barbie Dreamhouse. 405 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,934 Does it have three bathrooms? 406 00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:04,570 Come on. I wanna be cool again! 407 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:08,741 Sorry, neither you nor your actions are cool. 408 00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,477 Ooh, a copper mug, perfect for Moscow mules. 409 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,279 That's right. I'll let you drink! 410 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,448 ‐KIMBERLY: Stop! ‐JING: No! 411 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,517 ♪ ♪ 412 00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:23,222 So, Dunkie, what are your favorite drugs these days? 413 00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,858 Mom, stop caring about my well‐being! 414 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,693 What? I'm just making conversation. 415 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,329 An amateur police stakeout is a good time to talk. 416 00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:31,697 Don't think of us as mother and son. 417 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:32,765 We're partners. 418 00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,133 Okay, can I ask you something? 419 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,701 Absolutely, partner. 420 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,771 How come you don't kiss Dad on the mouth anymore? 421 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:41,007 What? Uh‐‐okay. 422 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:43,776 E‐every marriage has ebbs and flows. 423 00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,279 Um, right now, your father and I are in a bit of a‐‐ 424 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:48,514 ‐(engine turning over) ‐Oh, thank God, crime. 425 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,916 (engine rumbling) 426 00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:52,118 (engine revving) 427 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,287 Ugh, damn docks! 428 00:15:54,353 --> 00:15:56,389 (sighs) Maybe you're right, Duncan. 429 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,358 Having dreams just sets you up for disappointment. 430 00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,994 Aw, Mom, such a great way to put it. 431 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,197 Cheap, lady car tires for sale. 432 00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:07,633 ‐Get your cheap, lady car tires! ‐Four, please. 433 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,207 (all groaning softly) 434 00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:16,609 You know what might make this cereal fun? 435 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,443 We add a little‐‐ 436 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,645 ‐BOTH: No. ‐I was gonna say milk. 437 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,280 Dry is fine. 438 00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:22,682 ‐KIMBERLY: Mom! ‐JING: Mommy! 439 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:23,883 Dad tried to kill us. 440 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,885 Do you have a hookup at Child Services? 441 00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,053 I just made a fun dinner, 442 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,421 and every ingredient was expired, 443 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,922 so they got a little tummy ache. 444 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,657 Daddy locked me out of the bathroom, 445 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,693 and I pooped in the hallway! 446 00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,027 She's kidding! 447 00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:36,529 Do not go in the hallway. 448 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:39,332 Oh, what does it matter? Poop wherever you want. 449 00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:42,134 (sighs) 450 00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:44,103 (groans) 451 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,838 Oh, you're throwing out your detective novels 452 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,039 and your detective DVDs, 453 00:16:47,106 --> 00:16:49,041 but you haven't told me how it went being a detective. 454 00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:50,376 The dream is over, Jack. 455 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,211 I don't deserve to be a detective. 456 00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,547 I don't deserve to be in law enforcement at all. 457 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,984 Finally, now I can get back to my passion! 458 00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,986 Okay, where was I? 459 00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,922 Come on, let's all trudge sadly up to bed. 460 00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:05,758 You heard me. Trudge. 461 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,895 ‐(all grumbling) ‐JACK: This is so unfair. 462 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,097 (all whimpering, grumbling) 463 00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:13,966 ‐Hmm. Mm? ‐(engine rumbling) 464 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,035 (gasps) Ooh! 465 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,037 Oh. 466 00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:21,574 Go to her, Duncan. 467 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:22,975 I'll always be here. 468 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,912 W‐‐Mom, wait. The van just went by. 469 00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,313 That's nice. Good night. 470 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,949 No, I'm not gonna let you give up on your stupid dream. 471 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,385 Now, get in the car, and let's be dicks... 472 00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,420 partner. 473 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,588 (sizzling) 474 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:36,789 Ow! 475 00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:37,723 Here you go. 476 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,993 Oh, Dunkie, thanks for believing in me. 477 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,129 ‐Let's roll! ‐KIMBERLY: Wait for us. 478 00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,064 Ah‐ah, you can't come with us, girls. 479 00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,666 This is dangerous police business. 480 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,101 Not as dangerous as leaving us with...(softly) Dad. 481 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,636 This is not a safe space. 482 00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:53,205 Yeah, they're not wrong. Please take us. 483 00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,174 ‐Yes! ‐Okay, you drive! 484 00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:58,544 (exciting music) 485 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,346 ♪ ♪ 486 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,781 ANNIE: Don't lose 'em, Jack. 487 00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,516 They'll take us to the kingpin! 488 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,484 ♪ ♪ 489 00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:09,155 ‐(tires screeching) ‐(all shouting) 490 00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:10,790 Sorry for your loss! 491 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,927 ‐Cut through there! ‐JACK: Whoa! 492 00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:18,164 (all shouting) 493 00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:20,633 (both gasp) 494 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,667 ALL: Whoa! 495 00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:24,403 ‐(Jing giggling) ‐Why isn't she in her car seat? 496 00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,273 (giggles) You are so cool! 497 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,307 (ding) 498 00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:31,510 (all shouting) 499 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,081 (buzzing) 500 00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:38,117 (suspenseful music) 501 00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:41,387 (engine rumbling) 502 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,358 What the hell is this place? 503 00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,827 It's your school, dumbass. 504 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:50,696 Come on, let's go bust this sole‐less shoe ring. 505 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:51,897 Really nice pun, honey. 506 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,899 Thanks. Nice driving. 507 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:54,934 JACK: Mwah. 508 00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,268 ‐Gross. ‐No, it's good. 509 00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:57,703 They're flowing now. 510 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,240 (all panting) 511 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,642 Yeah, that'll work. 512 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,343 (exciting music) 513 00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:05,578 Hmm? 514 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:06,779 (metallic scraping) 515 00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,048 Stand back. I'm kicking it in. 516 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,383 It's unlocked. 517 00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,184 Don't care. Help Mommy, kids. 518 00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:14,720 ‐(Kimberly and Duncan shout) ‐Freeze! 519 00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:16,756 DUNCAN: What the‐‐Mr. Mitch? 520 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,824 ‐What up? ‐Wait, y‐you're behind 521 00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,126 the bogus shoe drop? 522 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,927 You stole money from the kids? 523 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,663 Not from the kids. 524 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,298 ‐For the kids. ‐I don't follow. 525 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,670 A kilo of... 526 00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:31,971 theater tickets? 527 00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,906 These are to Hamilton. 528 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,275 The New York Times called it a hip‐hopera. 529 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,476 With the school cutting funds, 530 00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:39,445 I figured kids would waste money on stuff like 531 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,415 sneakers and video games but not on education. 532 00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:44,617 That's where the lotto money's supposed to go. 533 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,785 Yeah, right. 534 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,320 Anyway, I want the students to be exposed to culture 535 00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:49,588 so maybe they'd get inspired 536 00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,490 and wanna blow this dead‐end town someday. 537 00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,426 Yeah, I wasted my whole life here. 538 00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,961 So I worked out this plan with a friend. 539 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,329 Coach Walters? 540 00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:59,065 What are all these girls doin' here? 541 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,466 Who's at home cooking? 542 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,535 I appreciate your concern for the kids, Mr. Mitch, 543 00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:04,503 but you're still guilty of sneaker fraud 544 00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,439 and being friends with a misogynist. 545 00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:07,506 Yeah... 546 00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:10,176 But, Mom, he did it for his dream, 547 00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:13,045 a school where all the kids are super‐culturated. 548 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:15,314 (groans) Why do I even bother? 549 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,816 You're not innocent either, Mom. 550 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,350 You took me to a strip club. 551 00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:22,254 What? I was supposed to take Duncan to his first strip club! 552 00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:25,157 Hmm, well...I guess part of being a good detective 553 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,793 is looking the other way when someone commits a crime 554 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,295 that benefits your children. 555 00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:31,263 ‐Just don't do it again. ‐You have my word, 556 00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:33,599 ‐Duncan's Mom. ‐(cell phone chimes) 557 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,835 What‐‐$50 Nintendo drop? 558 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,070 ‐I need my birthday money early. ‐No! 559 00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:39,338 ‐Here you go. ‐Already touched it! 560 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,806 That's the rules. It's mine now. 561 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,508 To the pop‐up! 562 00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:47,613 Hello, Dolly! is comin' to town. 563 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,781 (Duncan laughing) 564 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,183 You gotta stop fronting him birthday money. 565 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,252 Happy 36th birthday, son! 566 00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,892 So what'd you think? Life‐changing, right? 567 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:02,061 It was...fine. 568 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,196 (sighs) Sneakers would have been better. 569 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,298 And why was Hamilton played by Drew Carey? 570 00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,734 ‐It's a touring company. ‐I'll say. 571 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:11,103 Duncan, you look like you enjoyed the show. 572 00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,539 Well, yeah. I had my best friend with me. 573 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,307 Diggin' the beard, Beardy Billy. 574 00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:17,443 Digging yours as well, Mr. Mitch. 575 00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:21,313 Man, Hamilton scrambled my brain. 576 00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:25,050 BEARDY BILLY: Duncan, if I asked, 577 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,919 ‐would you kill for me? ‐Oh, crap! 578 00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,220 I gave you evil eyebrows! 579 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,090 BEARDY BILLY: Nooooooo! 580 00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:36,495 Captioned by Captionmax 41149

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