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1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:04,805
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,842
♪ Boo, boo,boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:12,946
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,884
♪ Boo, boo,boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:21,288
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,590
♪ Boo, boo,boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:24,591
DUNCAN: (laughs)
8
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:25,659
Ooh! (growls)
9
00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:27,394
‐KIMBERLY: Mommy!
‐DUNCAN: Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,229
‐ANNIE: Duncan!
‐JACK: Duncan!
11
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,701
ANNIE: Come on, move it.What's taking you so long?
12
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:35,769
Toast, darn you.
13
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,305
You've got one job,
and you can't even do it.
14
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,706
Forget it.
You're too late.
15
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,074
Is Mommy okay?
16
00:00:41,141 --> 00:00:42,109
She's fine.
17
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:43,176
It's just that time
of the month.
18
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,411
Ew, gross.
19
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,246
The monthly shedding
of a woman's uterine wall
20
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:48,715
‐is not gross.
‐Sounds gross.
21
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,183
He means it's quota day.
22
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,418
You know,
the last day of the month
23
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,288
for me to write as many
parking tickets as possible?
24
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:55,756
Plus I'm on my period.
25
00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:56,790
I'm done.
26
00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:59,092
But, Mom, you said
ticket quotas were a myth.
27
00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,094
They are, honey‐‐
a myth that's real.
28
00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:03,630
Making my quota is the only way
I'll get promoted
29
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,833
to moving violations
and then riot control
30
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,835
and someday detective.
31
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,037
These boots were made
32
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,972
for kicking down doors
without a warrant.
33
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:13,106
Hiyah!
34
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:15,208
Okay, I don't know
what time I'll be home,
35
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:16,643
so Dad's in charge.
36
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:18,145
Do whatever he says.
37
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:19,680
Jack, I left instructions
on the fridge.
38
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,182
‐Do whatever I say.
‐On it, my quota queen.
39
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:25,419
(dramatic music)
40
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:28,555
♪ ♪
41
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:29,856
A bulletproof vest?
42
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,759
People really hate quota day.
43
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:36,763
(Annie grumbles)
44
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,202
The streets cry out
for justice.
45
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,004
The meters
cry out for quarters‐‐
46
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,339
and often credit cards‐‐
47
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:48,008
so let's show this town
why they hate us.
48
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,943
(all cheering)
49
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,312
(engines rumbling)
50
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:54,014
Morning, Detectives.
51
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,950
Serpowitz, JT, Detective Wags.
52
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,352
‐Who's that?
‐Beats me.
53
00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,252
(woofs)
54
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,455
(sighs)
Someday I'll drink at 9:00 a. m.
55
00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,757
and wonder
how I became a dirty cop.
56
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,759
WOMAN (over radio:You're listening to Pipe Down
57
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,127
with Ron and Rob.
58
00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,796
RON: Welcome back to Pipe Down.
I'm Ron.
59
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,031
ROB: And I'm Rob.
60
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,100
‐Today's topic: Drano.
‐(groans)
61
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:14,935
It's going to bethe end of us.
62
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,004
RON: You said the same thingabout Liquid Plummer.
63
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,972
This is a big "pipe down"for me.
64
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,274
Oh, Ron and Rob
just can't agree.
65
00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:23,977
Ugh, please change
the station.
66
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,746
Sure, these guys
died years ago.
67
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,248
‐(pop music playing)
‐(gasps) I love this song!
68
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,783
♪ My booty goes pop ♪
69
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,151
‐Okay, we're here.
‐Ugh.
70
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,320
JING: Yay, I love school!
71
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,088
No, Jing, school sucks.
72
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,957
Yeah, school sucks.
73
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,859
Well, you gotta go.
It's on the fridge.
74
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:40,127
Fridge sucks.
75
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:41,395
But you're always
telling us stories
76
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:42,529
about how you
and your friends
77
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,197
skipped school
when you were a kid.
78
00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:46,266
Those were simpler times,
Kimber.
79
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,901
Schools didn't have
automated systems
80
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,269
calling the house
when you ditched.
81
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,972
All they had was
a crotchety old principal
82
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,373
who would chase us
through the mall.
83
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,909
(chuckles)
Screw you, Sanderson.
84
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,545
You used to be so cool, Dad.
85
00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,713
I'm still cool.
86
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,083
(turn signal clicking)
87
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,052
Now a little toot‐toot
to announce my presence.
88
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,186
(car horn toots)
89
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,622
Oh, I take it back, Dad.
You're a badass.
90
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,323
(both giggling)
91
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,526
That does it!
I'll show you who's cool.
92
00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:15,328
Buckle up!
No, wait. Don't buckle up.
93
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:16,897
‐KIMBERLY: Yes.
‐JING: Yay!
94
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:20,467
Screw you, Sanderson!
95
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,738
(upbeat music)
96
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,039
What up, students?
97
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,974
ALL: What's up, Mr. Mitch?
98
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,109
Bad news, homies.
99
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:30,677
You're not here
to see a magician.
100
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:31,678
‐ALL: What?
‐Aw!
101
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,480
That's the only reason
I came to school today.
102
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,316
But the school board
is making our budget disappear.
103
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,219
‐That's clever.
‐Dat boy a word magician.
104
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:41,922
The following programs
have been deemed expendable.
105
00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:45,926
‐Drama...
‐Nooooooooo!
106
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,961
‐Chess club...
‐Nyet!
107
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,396
A cappella choir...
108
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:52,232
ALL (harmonizing):♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪
109
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:54,868
And Coach Walters will now be
your school nurse.
110
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,336
I don't do girl problems!
111
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,604
(cell phones buzzing
and chiming)
112
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,672
(Duncan gasps)
113
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,074
Hey, check it out.
New Air Jordan sneaker drop.
114
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,476
(all cheering)
115
00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:05,178
New Air Js
will totally change my life.
116
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,348
ALL (chanting):
Duncan, Duncan, Duncan!
117
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,585
(grunting)
118
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,820
‐(grunts triumphantly)
‐(crowd cheering)
119
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,690
‐(lively music)
‐(grunting)
120
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,525
To the pop‐up!
121
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,827
Come on, Yangzi,
I said "to the pop‐up."
122
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,829
Tee‐hee‐hee.
I'm an influencer.
123
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,766
I don't wait in line
with drooling brain‐dead teens.
124
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,167
No offense.
125
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,336
Uh, it's cool.
126
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,838
Bam, boom, katoosh!
127
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,673
I love this game.
128
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:34,841
(gasps)
129
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:38,211
Oh, Annie, you lucky duck.
130
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,781
‐(screaming)
‐(guns blasting)
131
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,249
(meter buzzes)
132
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:43,650
‐(guns clicking)
‐Hmm?
133
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:46,186
(gasps)
Hi.
134
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,522
Not today, meter cheater!
135
00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:49,890
(panting)
136
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,324
‐(grunting)
‐(tires screeching)
137
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:52,392
(grunts)
138
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,661
(grunting)
139
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,364
(dramatic music)
140
00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,833
‐Ha, beat you!
‐Oh, yeah?
141
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,469
‐Check behind your ear.
‐What the‐‐
142
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,572
‐Thanks for playin'.
‐Hey, those are my sunglasses.
143
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,708
Yes.
144
00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:11,845
Can't believe I'm gonna own
a new pair of Air Js.
145
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,613
I worked my ass off
for this money,
146
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:14,681
but it's worth it.
147
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,216
JACK: Hey, Dunker, it's Dad.
148
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:18,585
The day you were bornwas the best day‐‐
149
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,687
My mom's boyfriend
left his wallet
150
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,856
on the kitchen counter‐‐idiot.
151
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,291
My grandma
pays me to read
152
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:26,526
my dead grandpa's
letters to her.
153
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:28,128
They're devastating.
154
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:33,333
MAN: Okay, 114, 115, 116,
get your cash out.
155
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:38,171
Yeah,
we're the greatest generation!
156
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,707
(upbeat music)
157
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:41,675
What a fun day.
158
00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:44,444
I lost $300 in business,
but it was worth it.
159
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,012
It was so fun
hanging out with you
160
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,514
at the mall
during school hours.
161
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,316
I didn't have to worry
about the popular girls
162
00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,651
knowing I have a father.
163
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:53,286
And I got candy.
164
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,422
Good‐bye, gummy giraffe.
(chomps)
165
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,390
Good‐bye, gummy shark.
(chomps)
166
00:05:57,457 --> 00:06:00,627
Good‐bye, gummy...vitamin C?
Yuck.
167
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,096
MAN: Sorry, honey, I can't makeour anniversary dinner.
168
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:05,131
I'm really sick.
(gulps)
169
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,567
I'm cured,
and I want a divorce!
170
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,336
Thanks for buying me
this book, Dad.
171
00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:11,104
You know how much
I love to read.
172
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,340
And you're totally rocking
that shirt.
173
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,309
The lady at the store said
it's designed by Jimmy Buffett.
174
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,144
A parrot golfing?
(chuckles)
175
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,212
What a mind.
176
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,647
I'm hungry.
What's for dinner?
177
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:21,648
Something fun?
178
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,350
Let's see what Mom left us.
179
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:27,053
Green beans, spinach casserole,
and low‐sodium Tofurky.
180
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,457
Such an uncool meal.
181
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:31,591
‐Yay!
‐Yes!
182
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:34,461
How dare you cancel
our anniversary dinner?
183
00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:36,696
Now what am I supposed to eat?
184
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:37,931
Divorce granted.
185
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:41,001
Okay, everybody grab something
and throw it in this bowl.
186
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,435
‐Frankfurters.
‐Bologna.
187
00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:44,804
‐Various cheeses.
‐Jalapeños.
188
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,874
You know me.
I'm going spaghetti.
189
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,611
♪ Stir it up, little darlin' ♪
190
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:53,813
♪ Stir it up ♪
191
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,484
♪ Cook it up, little darlin' ♪
192
00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:58,518
♪ Cook it up ♪
193
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,220
(microwave dings)
194
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:04,057
I present to you Francheezy!
195
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,693
BOTH (chanting):
Francheezy! Francheezy!
196
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:10,931
(all gobbling)
197
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,432
I'm not just saying this
to get things
198
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:15,001
out of you anymore,
but you're pretty cool.
199
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,870
Cool Daddy.
200
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,471
Thank you, Francheezy.
201
00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:20,707
Mmm.
202
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,175
‐(bees buzzing)
‐(all grunting)
203
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,276
Before these shoes,
204
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,612
we could never agitate
these bees.
205
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,781
(buzzing)
206
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:35,855
Hey, Yangzi, notice anything
different about us? (laughs)
207
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,057
Yeah, your shoes are fake.
208
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,059
What are you talking about?
209
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,794
The stitching is crooked,
the shade is off,
210
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:41,695
the soles are misshapen,
211
00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:43,229
there's a pilgrim buckle
across the top,
212
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,564
and that ain't Michael Jordan.
213
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,533
It is impish man‐boy
James Corden.
214
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:47,968
Ugh, I can't believe
we didn't notice
215
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,569
those five obvious things.
216
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,439
Oh, Air Cordens?
217
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:53,673
(grunts)
218
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,376
‐(bees buzzing aggressively)
‐(all shouting)
219
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:59,045
(buzzing)
220
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,548
(engine rumbling)
221
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,717
Hmm.
222
00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:06,886
Over 18 inches from the curb,
no plates,
223
00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:08,355
parked the wrong way?
224
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,291
Oh, Annie, you are
the luckiest of ducks.
225
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,495
(gasps)
What in Hickory Hill?
226
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:18,198
A dead body‐‐
my first crime scene!
227
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:20,867
This is my shot
at finally making detective.
228
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:24,237
I'm gonna ask you
one last time‐‐gum?
229
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,739
No, thanks, I'm diabetic.
230
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,774
You son of a bitch!
Admit it!
231
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,143
You killed him, and you put him
in the trunk of your car.
232
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,878
It wasn't me!
I swear!
233
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,114
I didn't kill any fat guy.
234
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,249
I never said
it was a fat guy.
235
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,118
Take him to the electric chair
and hang him!
236
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,754
Lady, you are
a hell of a detective.
237
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,889
Aren't you dead yet?
238
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,025
‐Hmm.
‐(siren whoops)
239
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:46,526
All right,
we'll take it from here.
240
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:49,229
But I found the body.
I'm the lead on this.
241
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,331
We gotta dust for prints,
collect fibers,
242
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,466
get hollered at by a captain
who's been pressured
243
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,802
by the mayor
because it's an election year.
244
00:08:55,869 --> 00:09:00,106
Sorry, your jurisdiction ends
at the windshield, meter maid.
245
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,107
(laughter)
246
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,642
(snickering)
247
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,310
(somber music)
248
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,679
(indistinctpolice radio chatter)
249
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,014
Oh.
250
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,554
This is...so un...fair!
251
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:17,490
What those detectives
did to you stinks, honey,
252
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,559
but the important thing is,
you made your quota,
253
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:22,729
and the girls definitely
went to school yesterday.
254
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:23,897
Quota shmota.
255
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,331
That dead body
was the greatest thing
256
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,800
that has ever
happened to me.
257
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:30,136
Now every time I see a corpse,
I'm just gonna feel bad.
258
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,604
DUNCAN: I had a bad day too.
259
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:32,872
The school's out of cash,
260
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:34,908
that pop‐up
sold us all fake sneakers,
261
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:38,044
and I got stung by a bunch of
bees for absolutely no reason.
262
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,246
Fake sneakers?
Have you told the police?
263
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,581
No, I'm no snitch.
264
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,017
Good, the cops
will just steal your dream
265
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,418
and call you a meter maid.
266
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,220
We have to fight back, Dunkie.
267
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,123
No way!
I've got important work to do.
268
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,126
Oh, yeah.
269
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,028
(chuckles)
Nice.
270
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,329
Oh, this is brilliant.
271
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,432
You and I will go undercover,
bust that fake shoe ring,
272
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:02,035
and prove to those detectives
that I am every inch
273
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,536
the dick that they are.
274
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,604
Just let it go, Mom.
275
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,940
Somebody's gotta be the victim.
I say why not us?
276
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,208
Night‐night.
(snores)
277
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,710
Come on, Duncan, you and I
are Tango and Cash‐ing it.
278
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:11,678
(grunts)
279
00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:14,080
And, Jack,
you're Mr. Mom‐ing it again.
280
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,450
Don't worry.
Cool Dad's got this.
281
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:21,121
Hey, there's my breakfast club.
Francheezy dance!
282
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,022
(humming)
283
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:26,159
‐(groans)
‐My tummy feels angry.
284
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,095
You poisoned us
with your stupid Francheezy.
285
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,097
It can't be the Francheezy.
286
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,166
I ate twice as much as you,
and I feel‐‐
287
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,200
Is it hot in here?
288
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,769
(stomachs rumbling)
289
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,806
ANNIE: Step one: we go back
to the scene of the crime
290
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:43,276
posing as ordinary customers
looking to buy shoes.
291
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:45,612
When they sell us fakes‐‐
blammo‐‐
292
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,113
‐I blow their heads off...
‐What?
293
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,915
With the news
that they're under arrest,
294
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,884
and I get promoted
to detective.
295
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:52,185
Now, do you wanna do this
or not?
296
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,820
I already said
I don't wanna do this.
297
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,054
Here we go.
Follow my lead.
298
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,556
Don't say anything stupid.
299
00:10:56,623 --> 00:11:00,760
Hello, I'm silent movie star
Lolita St. Clair,
300
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:05,098
and this is my 6'8"
NBA all‐star paramour,
301
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,433
‐Harold Hoops.
‐Oh, my God.
302
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,336
Bring us your finest
Air Jordans.
303
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:14,140
Douglas Fairbanks has a pair,
and he says they're 22 skidoo.
304
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,142
The sneaker pop‐up
closed yesterday.
305
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,211
We're now
a St. Paddy's Day pop‐up.
306
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,812
Sorry, forgot
to turn on the lights.
307
00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:22,348
(sprightly Irish music playing)
308
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:25,985
Well,
we did everything we could.
309
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:27,587
‐See you around, Mom.
‐No.
310
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,523
Somebody in this neighborhood
must have seen something.
311
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,692
Hmm.
Hmm?
312
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:35,728
Hmm.
Hello.
313
00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,397
But whose camera is it?
314
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,098
Hmm.
315
00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:40,833
(gasps)
316
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,101
A strip club?
317
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,771
Yeah, Mom, come on!
318
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,773
(dance music playing)
319
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,408
‐You 21?
‐Of course.
320
00:11:48,474 --> 00:11:50,476
I'm NBA all‐star Harold Hoops,
321
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,812
and this is
some old, dead movie star.
322
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,781
That's the spirit, Dunkie.
323
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:56,716
Huh?
324
00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:59,052
♪ ♪
325
00:11:59,118 --> 00:12:00,253
Hey.
326
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,088
Hey, Mom,
can I borrow $100 for school?
327
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,289
Don't be fooled, Duncan.
328
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,024
These girls
are not in love with you,
329
00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:06,492
so get that out of your head
right now.
330
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,162
They're working women
just like your mom.
331
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,464
I'm naked, you lucky duck!
332
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:17,070
♪ ♪
333
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:21,374
Hmm.
Hmm.
334
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:22,475
(gasps)
335
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,811
(tape squealing)
336
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,447
Okay, here we go.
There you are.
337
00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:31,084
Huh, wha‐‐your posture
is so terrible.
338
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,819
I paid all that money
for a back brace.
339
00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:34,153
You're not even wearing it.
340
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,223
It makes my back straight
and uncomfortable.
341
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:41,494
Ooh, a white van:
the chariot of creeps.
342
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:45,632
Duncan, you know computers.
Zoom in!
343
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:46,966
(fingers squeaking)
344
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,234
Ugh!
345
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,105
Of course, the docks.
346
00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:54,073
Come on, Duncan,
it's stakeout time.
347
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:55,108
Duncan?
348
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:56,442
No, no, the work
you're doing here
349
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:57,877
is so important, you know?
350
00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,112
The country's so divided.
351
00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:00,613
Okay, thank you
for your service,
352
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,382
and God bless America.
353
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:06,586
‐JING: Ugh.
‐JACK: Who needs the Pepto?
354
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,888
Me.
(gulping)
355
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,156
(burps)
356
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,993
I think I speak for everyone
when I say
357
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,695
there's nothing cool
about this moment,
358
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:18,097
but do you remember
how much fun yesterday was?
359
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:19,766
Totally worth it, right guys?
360
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,901
We're dying, Daddy.
361
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:24,737
Why didn't you just take us
to school?
362
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,706
I think the worst is over.
363
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:27,807
(stomach rumbles)
364
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:29,175
Nope,
just the eye of the storm.
365
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,110
I'm gonna be sick again.
366
00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:32,178
Let's see here.
367
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,747
There's three of us
and only two bathrooms,
368
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,382
‐so bye!
‐(girls shriek)
369
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,383
(grunting)
370
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,118
‐Out of my way‐‐
‐Oh, no, you don't.
371
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,354
‐(grunting)
‐Ow, my tail!
372
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,655
‐JACK: Ugh, no, no‐‐
‐KIMBERLY: Made it.
373
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:43,890
‐JACK: Hey!
‐JING: Oh.
374
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:45,491
KIMBERLY: Didn't make it.
375
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,529
Mine!
376
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:50,997
You're too young
to remember this.
377
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,432
Oh, God, I hate myself.
378
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,802
JING: Daddy!
379
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:58,705
(suspenseful music)
380
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,207
ANNIE: Ah, the docks.
381
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:04,444
All the worst crimes
in the world happen here.
382
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:10,383
♪ ♪
383
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,519
Elephant tusks!
Get your elephant tusks!
384
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,089
Serve no purpose at all
elephant tusks!
385
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,724
I'll take three.
386
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,426
Should we report that
to somebody?
387
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,361
No time.
388
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,496
We have one goal:
make me a detective.
389
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,365
I thought we were trying
to get my money back.
390
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,700
Shh, there's
the sneaker guy's van.
391
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:32,672
‐Now we wait till he returns.
‐Ugh, how long?
392
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,374
As long as it takes.
393
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,076
Every good detective
needs patience.
394
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:39,345
Hmm.
(groans)
395
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,413
‐(horn honking)
‐Ugh, come on, come on, come on!
396
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,881
Come on, come on!
Crime, where are you?
397
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,484
Hey, lady,
it's after 10:00 p. m.!
398
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,985
Some people.
399
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,820
(water splashes)
400
00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:51,391
Okay, kids,
Amazon app is open,
401
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,192
and it's time for me
to buy your love.
402
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:54,927
Fill the cart
with whatever you want.
403
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:57,296
I'm too weak to point.
404
00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,265
Whoa, a Barbie Dreamhouse.
405
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,934
Does it have three bathrooms?
406
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:04,570
Come on.
I wanna be cool again!
407
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:08,741
Sorry, neither you
nor your actions are cool.
408
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,477
Ooh, a copper mug,
perfect for Moscow mules.
409
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:13,279
That's right.
I'll let you drink!
410
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,448
‐KIMBERLY: Stop!
‐JING: No!
411
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,517
♪ ♪
412
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:23,222
So, Dunkie, what are
your favorite drugs these days?
413
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,858
Mom, stop caring
about my well‐being!
414
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,693
What?
I'm just making conversation.
415
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,329
An amateur police stakeout
is a good time to talk.
416
00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:31,697
Don't think of us
as mother and son.
417
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:32,765
We're partners.
418
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,133
Okay,
can I ask you something?
419
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,701
Absolutely, partner.
420
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,771
How come you don't kiss Dad
on the mouth anymore?
421
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:41,007
What?
Uh‐‐okay.
422
00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:43,776
E‐every marriage
has ebbs and flows.
423
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,279
Um, right now, your father
and I are in a bit of a‐‐
424
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:48,514
‐(engine turning over)
‐Oh, thank God, crime.
425
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,916
(engine rumbling)
426
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:52,118
(engine revving)
427
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,287
Ugh, damn docks!
428
00:15:54,353 --> 00:15:56,389
(sighs)
Maybe you're right, Duncan.
429
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,358
Having dreams just sets you up
for disappointment.
430
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:01,994
Aw, Mom,
such a great way to put it.
431
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,197
Cheap, lady car tires
for sale.
432
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:07,633
‐Get your cheap, lady car tires!
‐Four, please.
433
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,207
(all groaning softly)
434
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:16,609
You know what might
make this cereal fun?
435
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,443
We add a little‐‐
436
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:19,645
‐BOTH: No.
‐I was gonna say milk.
437
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,280
Dry is fine.
438
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:22,682
‐KIMBERLY: Mom!
‐JING: Mommy!
439
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:23,883
Dad tried to kill us.
440
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,885
Do you have a hookup
at Child Services?
441
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,053
I just made a fun dinner,
442
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,421
and every ingredient
was expired,
443
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,922
so they got
a little tummy ache.
444
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,657
Daddy locked me
out of the bathroom,
445
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,693
and I pooped in the hallway!
446
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,027
She's kidding!
447
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:36,529
Do not go in the hallway.
448
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:39,332
Oh, what does it matter?
Poop wherever you want.
449
00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:42,134
(sighs)
450
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:44,103
(groans)
451
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,838
Oh, you're throwing out
your detective novels
452
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,039
and your detective DVDs,
453
00:16:47,106 --> 00:16:49,041
but you haven't told me
how it went being a detective.
454
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:50,376
The dream is over, Jack.
455
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,211
I don't deserve
to be a detective.
456
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,547
I don't deserve to be
in law enforcement at all.
457
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,984
Finally, now I can get back
to my passion!
458
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,986
Okay, where was I?
459
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,922
Come on, let's all trudge
sadly up to bed.
460
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:05,758
You heard me.
Trudge.
461
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,895
‐(all grumbling)
‐JACK: This is so unfair.
462
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,097
(all whimpering, grumbling)
463
00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:13,966
‐Hmm. Mm?
‐(engine rumbling)
464
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,035
(gasps)
Ooh!
465
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,037
Oh.
466
00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:21,574
Go to her, Duncan.
467
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:22,975
I'll always be here.
468
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,912
W‐‐Mom, wait.
The van just went by.
469
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,313
That's nice.
Good night.
470
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,949
No, I'm not gonna let you
give up on your stupid dream.
471
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,385
Now, get in the car,
and let's be dicks...
472
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,420
partner.
473
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:35,588
(sizzling)
474
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:36,789
Ow!
475
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:37,723
Here you go.
476
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,993
Oh, Dunkie, thanks
for believing in me.
477
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,129
‐Let's roll!
‐KIMBERLY: Wait for us.
478
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,064
Ah‐ah, you can't
come with us, girls.
479
00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,666
This is dangerous
police business.
480
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,101
Not as dangerous as
leaving us with...(softly) Dad.
481
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,636
This is not a safe space.
482
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:53,205
Yeah, they're not wrong.
Please take us.
483
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,174
‐Yes!
‐Okay, you drive!
484
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:58,544
(exciting music)
485
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,346
♪ ♪
486
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,781
ANNIE: Don't lose 'em, Jack.
487
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:03,516
They'll take us to the kingpin!
488
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,484
♪ ♪
489
00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:09,155
‐(tires screeching)
‐(all shouting)
490
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:10,790
Sorry for your loss!
491
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,927
‐Cut through there!
‐JACK: Whoa!
492
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:18,164
(all shouting)
493
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:20,633
(both gasp)
494
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,667
ALL: Whoa!
495
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:24,403
‐(Jing giggling)
‐Why isn't she in her car seat?
496
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:27,273
(giggles)
You are so cool!
497
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,307
(ding)
498
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:31,510
(all shouting)
499
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,081
(buzzing)
500
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:38,117
(suspenseful music)
501
00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:41,387
(engine rumbling)
502
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,358
What the hell is this place?
503
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,827
It's your school, dumbass.
504
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:50,696
Come on, let's go bust
this sole‐less shoe ring.
505
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:51,897
Really nice pun, honey.
506
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,899
Thanks.
Nice driving.
507
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:54,934
JACK: Mwah.
508
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,268
‐Gross.
‐No, it's good.
509
00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:57,703
They're flowing now.
510
00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,240
(all panting)
511
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,642
Yeah, that'll work.
512
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,343
(exciting music)
513
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:05,578
Hmm?
514
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:06,779
(metallic scraping)
515
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,048
Stand back.
I'm kicking it in.
516
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,383
It's unlocked.
517
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,184
Don't care.
Help Mommy, kids.
518
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:14,720
‐(Kimberly and Duncan shout)
‐Freeze!
519
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:16,756
DUNCAN: What the‐‐Mr. Mitch?
520
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,824
‐What up?
‐Wait, y‐you're behind
521
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,126
the bogus shoe drop?
522
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,927
You stole money
from the kids?
523
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,663
Not from the kids.
524
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,298
‐For the kids.
‐I don't follow.
525
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,670
A kilo of...
526
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:31,971
theater tickets?
527
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,906
These are to Hamilton.
528
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,275
The New York Times
called it a hip‐hopera.
529
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,476
With the school
cutting funds,
530
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:39,445
I figured kids would
waste money on stuff like
531
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,415
sneakers and video games
but not on education.
532
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:44,617
That's where the lotto money's
supposed to go.
533
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,785
Yeah, right.
534
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,320
Anyway, I want the students
to be exposed to culture
535
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:49,588
so maybe they'd get inspired
536
00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,490
and wanna blow
this dead‐end town someday.
537
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,426
Yeah, I wasted
my whole life here.
538
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,961
So I worked out this plan
with a friend.
539
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,329
Coach Walters?
540
00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:59,065
What are all these girls
doin' here?
541
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,466
Who's at home cooking?
542
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,535
I appreciate your concern
for the kids, Mr. Mitch,
543
00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:04,503
but you're still guilty
of sneaker fraud
544
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,439
and being friends
with a misogynist.
545
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:07,506
Yeah...
546
00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:10,176
But, Mom, he did it
for his dream,
547
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:13,045
a school where all the kids
are super‐culturated.
548
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:15,314
(groans)
Why do I even bother?
549
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,816
You're not innocent either,
Mom.
550
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,350
You took me to a strip club.
551
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:22,254
What? I was supposed to take
Duncan to his first strip club!
552
00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:25,157
Hmm, well...I guess part
of being a good detective
553
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,793
is looking the other way
when someone commits a crime
554
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,295
that benefits your children.
555
00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:31,263
‐Just don't do it again.
‐You have my word,
556
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:33,599
‐Duncan's Mom.
‐(cell phone chimes)
557
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,835
What‐‐$50 Nintendo drop?
558
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,070
‐I need my birthday money early.
‐No!
559
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:39,338
‐Here you go.
‐Already touched it!
560
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,806
That's the rules.
It's mine now.
561
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,508
To the pop‐up!
562
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:47,613
Hello, Dolly!
is comin' to town.
563
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,781
(Duncan laughing)
564
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,183
You gotta stop fronting him
birthday money.
565
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,252
Happy 36th birthday, son!
566
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,892
So what'd you think?
Life‐changing, right?
567
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:02,061
It was...fine.
568
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,196
(sighs) Sneakers
would have been better.
569
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,298
And why was Hamilton
played by Drew Carey?
570
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,734
‐It's a touring company.
‐I'll say.
571
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:11,103
Duncan, you look like
you enjoyed the show.
572
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,539
Well, yeah.
I had my best friend with me.
573
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,307
Diggin' the beard,
Beardy Billy.
574
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:17,443
Digging yours as well,Mr. Mitch.
575
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:21,313
Man, Hamilton
scrambled my brain.
576
00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:25,050
BEARDY BILLY:
Duncan, if I asked,
577
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,919
‐would you kill for me?
‐Oh, crap!
578
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,220
I gave you evil eyebrows!
579
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,090
BEARDY BILLY:
Nooooooo!
580
00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:36,495
Captioned by Captionmax
41149
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