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1
00:00:13,679 --> 00:00:16,672
Ward, I'm very worried
about Beaver.
2
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,411
Mom's favorite vase.
3
00:00:18,484 --> 00:00:21,283
She always says,
"Don't play ball in the house."
4
00:00:21,353 --> 00:00:22,582
Sit on it, Fonzie.
5
00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:23,815
Hey!
6
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,914
What about me, Mallory?
7
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,856
What about my feelings?
8
00:00:27,926 --> 00:00:30,157
Hey, I knew everything
would be all right.
9
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,821
Dyno-mite!
10
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:38,393
During the '70s, millions
huddled in front of their TVs
11
00:00:38,470 --> 00:00:41,133
to watch the frothy antics
of The Glimmer Gang.
12
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,606
Little Dickie Roberts
formed the center of the show,
13
00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:45,302
and his crooked smile
14
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,311
and casually tossed off
catch phrases
15
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,405
became the fad of a nation
longing for escapism.
16
00:00:50,482 --> 00:00:52,451
This is his story.
17
00:00:53,585 --> 00:00:56,076
Peggy Roberts
had only one goal in life...
18
00:00:56,155 --> 00:00:57,453
to be in showbiz.
19
00:00:57,524 --> 00:00:58,752
And when she got pregnant,
20
00:00:58,825 --> 00:01:00,689
she felt like
it only slowed her down.
21
00:01:00,759 --> 00:01:02,784
Peggy never said for sure
who the father was,
22
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,192
but the most persistent rumor
23
00:01:04,263 --> 00:01:06,424
concluded
that it was David Soul,
24
00:01:06,498 --> 00:01:08,933
the talented, hunky actor
from Starsky and Hutch.
25
00:01:09,034 --> 00:01:12,061
Don't give up on us, baby...
26
00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,402
And on July 2, 1967,
27
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:16,498
Dickie Roberts
came into the world.
28
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:19,305
Peggy began auditioning him
for acting parts almost daily.
29
00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:22,370
Here's Peggy Roberts
in a 1989 interview.
30
00:01:22,448 --> 00:01:23,643
When it came to auditions,
31
00:01:23,715 --> 00:01:26,650
I used to dress him up
for the part, whatever it was.
32
00:01:26,718 --> 00:01:28,117
I mean, if they wanted a cowboy,
33
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:30,246
they got a cowboy.
34
00:01:30,322 --> 00:01:33,781
Even if they wanted a girl,
I'd give them one.
35
00:01:33,859 --> 00:01:35,521
Do you know that he once
auditioned
36
00:01:35,594 --> 00:01:36,721
for Pippi Longstocking?
37
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:39,593
And he got the part.
38
00:01:39,665 --> 00:01:41,462
I felt so stupid
walking into an office
39
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,263
holding the kid's hand.
40
00:01:43,335 --> 00:01:46,328
It was rough on me.
41
00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:48,066
Then, in 1972, when NBC
42
00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,165
created a show called
The Glimmer Gang,
43
00:01:50,242 --> 00:01:51,903
Dickie was cast immediately.
44
00:01:51,977 --> 00:01:53,878
The show became
an instant success
45
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,643
and soon Dickie's picture
was plastered on magazines,
46
00:01:56,715 --> 00:01:58,239
lunch boxes and board games.
47
00:01:58,317 --> 00:02:00,912
And his trademark catch phrase
was everywhere.
48
00:02:01,019 --> 00:02:02,453
This is Nucking Futs!
49
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:07,121
But after six years of success,
the ratings began to slip.
50
00:02:07,192 --> 00:02:09,854
And just as fast as the Dickie
phenomenon exploded,
51
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:11,556
it was over.
52
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,325
Dickie's mother,
soon after, left him
53
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:14,695
and moved out of the area.
54
00:02:14,766 --> 00:02:16,563
He found himself alone.
55
00:02:16,635 --> 00:02:18,501
Here's former Eight is Enough
star Dick Van Patten.
56
00:02:18,570 --> 00:02:21,768
Stardom is really hard
on child actors,
57
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:25,606
and when you throw in a horrible
stage mother like Peggy Roberts,
58
00:02:25,677 --> 00:02:28,475
poor little Dickie
had no chance.
59
00:02:28,548 --> 00:02:30,538
Nobody would hire
the troubled actor,
60
00:02:30,616 --> 00:02:33,050
and pictures surfaced
of Dickie's odd behavior...
61
00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:35,313
including compulsive
glove wearing.
62
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:38,515
He had his name legally changed
to "David Soul's Son."
63
00:02:38,591 --> 00:02:40,491
Then, tired of explaining
who David Soul was,
64
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,153
he tried "Hutch's Son."
65
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:44,526
Later, he changed it again
66
00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:45,790
to the element chart symbols
67
00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:47,957
for fluorine,
titanium and zinc.
68
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:50,960
Today, Dickie Roberts
69
00:02:51,069 --> 00:02:52,866
is certain
that a showbiz comeback
70
00:02:52,938 --> 00:02:54,200
is in the cards for him.
71
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:56,401
He is working
as a valet parking cars.
72
00:02:56,475 --> 00:02:58,239
But as everybody knows,
73
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:02,407
in Hollywood, sometimes your
dreams can come true... again.
74
00:03:04,783 --> 00:03:06,683
This is the story
of Dickie Roberts,
75
00:03:06,752 --> 00:03:08,812
the E! True Hollywood Story.
76
00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:11,322
Hi, everybody, welcome back
to celebrity boxing
77
00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:13,723
with our special
"Quake at the Lake" edition.
78
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,454
Tonight's going
to be an amazing fight.
79
00:03:15,527 --> 00:03:16,926
Our main event is about to begin
80
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,930
and is going to be
the clash of the titans.
81
00:03:18,997 --> 00:03:22,490
Former Webster star
Emmanuel Lewis goes toe-to-toe
82
00:03:22,568 --> 00:03:25,366
with former Glimmer Gang star
Dickie Roberts.
83
00:03:25,437 --> 00:03:27,929
Coming to the ring
in the white trunks,
84
00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:29,837
from The Glimmer Gang,
85
00:03:29,908 --> 00:03:31,842
Dickie...
86
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:34,175
Roberts!
87
00:03:52,664 --> 00:03:54,063
And now, his opponent,
88
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,963
wearing black trunks,
89
00:03:56,034 --> 00:03:57,968
standing four feet,
three inches,
90
00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:00,628
weighing 92 pounds,
91
00:04:00,706 --> 00:04:05,040
Emmanuel... Lewis!
92
00:04:23,161 --> 00:04:24,026
It's Lewis time.
93
00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:25,028
Lewis time, baby.
94
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,086
It's Lewis, you understand me?
95
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:27,096
Right now.
96
00:04:27,165 --> 00:04:29,930
Tonight, Lewis time.
Lewis time.
97
00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:31,732
Uh-oh, look.
98
00:04:31,803 --> 00:04:35,069
Lewis, Lewis, Lewis...
99
00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:38,132
When was this guy in the joint?
100
00:04:40,646 --> 00:04:42,307
- You suck.
- Huh?
101
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:43,279
- What did she just say?
- Did you hear that?
102
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,151
Get down there!
103
00:04:54,526 --> 00:04:55,788
Ow! Let's be friends!
104
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:01,863
Yeah!
105
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,264
Where you going?
106
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:04,098
I liked your show.
107
00:05:12,077 --> 00:05:13,636
Off the mat, sir.
108
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,112
- I'm throwing in the towel.
- No, no, no.
109
00:05:26,358 --> 00:05:30,317
The winner,
Celebrity K.O. Champion...
110
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,891
The winner!
111
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,935
I can't believe this.
112
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:40,129
Uh... what am I doing here?
113
00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,036
Come on, Cyndi,
it's just a flat tire.
114
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,074
We'll get it fixed.
115
00:05:43,141 --> 00:05:45,041
Then we'll be back home
to Hollywood.
116
00:05:45,110 --> 00:05:46,134
I like your hat.
117
00:05:46,211 --> 00:05:47,235
Shut up.
118
00:05:47,312 --> 00:05:48,745
First, you get your ass kicked
119
00:05:48,814 --> 00:05:51,249
by some guy
who's half your size...
120
00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:53,250
I-I think he's on the juice.
121
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,911
No, I think you're just a puss.
122
00:05:54,987 --> 00:05:57,285
Look, we're broke, okay?
123
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,949
Maybe now might be a good time
124
00:05:59,057 --> 00:06:01,218
to try to sell
that stupid autobiography
125
00:06:01,293 --> 00:06:02,386
you write all the time.
126
00:06:02,461 --> 00:06:04,896
I-I can't publish
this right now,
127
00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:06,521
because it ends up with me
being a loser.
128
00:06:06,598 --> 00:06:08,065
I have to wait to publish it
129
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,898
until I'm back on top,
which I will be soon, I swear.
130
00:06:11,036 --> 00:06:12,766
I'm going to have
a big comeback.
131
00:06:12,838 --> 00:06:14,670
There's something
you got to face, baby.
132
00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:16,732
Okay, there's not going
to be any comeback.
133
00:06:16,809 --> 00:06:18,173
Yes, there will be.
134
00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:20,735
Yes, there will be, I know it.
135
00:06:20,812 --> 00:06:22,007
So pathetic.
136
00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:23,605
There has to be!
137
00:06:24,916 --> 00:06:25,348
Dickie!
138
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:26,612
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
139
00:06:29,187 --> 00:06:30,620
Grab it! Whoa, no!
140
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:36,427
Maybe we can drive it
out of here.
141
00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:43,396
Does insurance cover that?
142
00:06:43,468 --> 00:06:45,300
What, being a moron?
143
00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:46,803
No, they squeeze out of it
144
00:06:46,872 --> 00:06:48,807
with that
Act of An Idiot clause.
145
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:51,576
Ooh, here comes a car.
146
00:06:51,644 --> 00:06:52,632
All right, now you get in
147
00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:54,576
and then stall them
so I can get in, too.
148
00:06:54,646 --> 00:06:57,240
Yeah, I know the drill, champ.
149
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,315
Hey.
150
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:05,220
Where you going, stud?
151
00:07:05,290 --> 00:07:07,088
It's up to you, sweetheart.
152
00:07:09,728 --> 00:07:10,661
Hey, wait!
153
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:12,163
Cyndi, open up!
154
00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:14,165
Cyndi, come on!
155
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:15,961
What are you doing?
156
00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:22,072
Come on, I'll be a star again.
157
00:07:45,764 --> 00:07:47,858
Dickie.
158
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,293
Leif, wow, how you doing?
159
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:51,358
How are you, man?
160
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:52,425
Good to see you.
161
00:07:52,504 --> 00:07:54,495
Oh, my God.
You're Leif Garrett.
162
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,098
I used to have
such a crush on you.
163
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:57,300
Can I have your autograph?
164
00:07:57,375 --> 00:07:58,434
Sure.
165
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,341
You guys want my autograph, too?
Dickie Roberts?
166
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,004
No, I'm fine.
167
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:03,343
How about if I put it
on a $5 bill?
168
00:08:03,415 --> 00:08:04,677
Make it a $20?
169
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:07,309
Thanks.
170
00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:08,648
They're sweet.
171
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,711
So, Dickie, how you been?
What's up?
172
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:13,987
Just got back from
a very successful TV stint.
173
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:20,324
No such thing
as bad press, right?
174
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:21,387
Unless it's that.
175
00:08:23,035 --> 00:08:24,593
So, Leif, what have
you been up to?
176
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:26,694
I got a record out
that I'm happy about.
177
00:08:26,771 --> 00:08:27,738
Rock and roll, man.
178
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,036
Went on an acting audition
about three months ago.
179
00:08:30,108 --> 00:08:31,040
Well, that's great man.
180
00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:32,907
I've been going on movie
auditions all the time,
181
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,139
like every day.
182
00:08:34,212 --> 00:08:36,181
Hey, you going to read
for Mr. Blake's Backyard?
183
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,011
I definitely am.
184
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:39,380
I was... where...
185
00:08:39,451 --> 00:08:40,509
What-What's that one again?
186
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:41,745
Rob Reiner's new film?
187
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,254
It's the talk of the town.
188
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:44,583
Yes, Rob Reiner.
189
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:46,181
My God, did his dog
have puppies yet?
190
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,850
Ooh, I should send him a note.
191
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,758
You know what,
I have to call him anyway.
192
00:08:49,828 --> 00:08:51,456
I left my sweater
in his guest room.
193
00:08:51,530 --> 00:08:53,054
It's called
Mr. Blake's Backyard?
194
00:08:53,131 --> 00:08:55,100
Remember how Frank Sinatra
in his comeback
195
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,929
played Maggio
in From Here to Eternity,
196
00:08:57,035 --> 00:08:58,059
and then won the Oscar?
197
00:08:58,136 --> 00:08:59,967
Or like Travolta
in Pulp Fiction?
198
00:09:00,038 --> 00:09:01,870
It's the role of a lifetime,
man.
199
00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:03,235
Great.
Leif, I got to go.
200
00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:04,741
It was good to see you, man.
201
00:09:04,809 --> 00:09:07,778
Hey, are we still on
for poker Thursday?
202
00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,870
Sidney, where are you?
203
00:09:09,981 --> 00:09:11,846
I've left three messages.
204
00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:14,148
Listen, there's this new movie,
it's a Rob Reiner movie.
205
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,152
You got to get me in...
206
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,153
- Dickie.
- Go to go.
207
00:09:16,221 --> 00:09:17,450
Are you going
to park cars or what?
208
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:18,547
They're stacking up.
209
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:19,613
Yes, sir, Mr. Rollins.
210
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:21,125
Look, Dickie, the only
reason I hired you
211
00:09:21,192 --> 00:09:22,216
is I used to watch your show,
212
00:09:22,294 --> 00:09:23,523
and your life
is kind of pathetic.
213
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:24,755
Thanks for being a fan.
214
00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:32,600
You know what?
215
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:35,869
You never get anywhere unless
you bend the rules a little bit.
216
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,033
Woo-hoo.
217
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:43,277
Uh, this is the Wernick Agency.
218
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:46,716
This is his assistant...
Shaquikwa speaking.
219
00:09:46,785 --> 00:09:48,253
Sidney, where the hell
have you been?
220
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:49,582
I've been calling all morning.
221
00:09:49,654 --> 00:09:50,621
Oh, sorry.
222
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:53,181
Hey, you know those pigeons
I feed?
223
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:56,091
They attacked me,
six of the bastards.
224
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:58,062
I had to go get stitches.
225
00:09:58,129 --> 00:09:59,893
Wait a second, wait a second.
226
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,726
Oh, come on,
what is this guy doing?
227
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,633
Hey, move that pile.
228
00:10:04,703 --> 00:10:06,568
The light ain't getting
any greener, jarhead.
229
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:07,571
Hey, screw you, man.
230
00:10:07,639 --> 00:10:09,403
Why don't you step
out of that little,
231
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:11,067
bitty wussy car
and talk to my face, huh?
232
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:12,235
Hey, screw you.
233
00:10:13,645 --> 00:10:15,943
I'll kick your
steroid-Ioving ass, moron.
234
00:10:16,014 --> 00:10:17,346
Jujube.
235
00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,144
I'm going to bust you up, man.
236
00:10:19,217 --> 00:10:22,187
Smell you later, stink bomb.
237
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:23,515
I'll find you.
238
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,955
Three, G, Q...
239
00:10:26,057 --> 00:10:28,150
Hey, Dickie, aren't you worried
about that guy
240
00:10:28,226 --> 00:10:30,524
tracking you down and beating
the crap out of you?
241
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:33,793
No, I'm in someone else's car,
plus the windows are tinted.
242
00:10:33,865 --> 00:10:35,355
Hey, listen, this movie part
243
00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:37,402
sounds like
the key to everything, man.
244
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,937
You've got to get me in
to see Rob Reiner.
245
00:10:40,005 --> 00:10:42,371
And as your agent,
let me ask you this...
246
00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:43,702
you got any ideas?
247
00:10:43,775 --> 00:10:46,836
'Cause, I mean, that's just
way out of our league.
248
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:48,572
Now, you want
to get on Elimidate,
249
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,979
that's a different story.
250
00:10:50,115 --> 00:10:51,980
I think if I talk
to some movie stars,
251
00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:53,346
they can help me.
252
00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:55,943
Yeah, you, where are you
going to meet movie stars?
253
00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,455
Oh, man, that's the easy part.
254
00:10:57,523 --> 00:11:01,926
So, I woke up in a boxcar
outside Lincoln, Nebraska.
255
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,519
All right, it was
5:00 in the morning.
256
00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:06,029
Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up?
257
00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:08,259
Hey, hey, it's Tom "A"
in here, okay?
258
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,926
And keep quiet;
it's just getting good.
259
00:11:10,035 --> 00:11:11,503
She's a cross-addicted
sex addict.
260
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:12,537
Ooh.
261
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:15,232
And I realized
that I had hit bottom.
262
00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:16,466
I hit bottom.
263
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:17,803
I see you on TV all the time.
264
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:19,572
You're doing great.
Listen, what's up?
265
00:11:19,644 --> 00:11:20,942
Hey, Orville and Wilbur called.
266
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,172
They want to buy your collars.
267
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,648
They're going to take off
from Kitty Hawk at sundown.
268
00:11:24,716 --> 00:11:26,378
What does that mean?
269
00:11:26,451 --> 00:11:28,351
They invented the airplane,
270
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,946
and your lapels
are unusually huge.
271
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:31,955
That's funny.
272
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:32,956
Yeah.
273
00:11:33,024 --> 00:11:33,956
Or is it?
274
00:11:34,059 --> 00:11:35,493
I can bench-press 350 pounds.
275
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:36,892
That's great.
That's a lot.
276
00:11:36,961 --> 00:11:38,190
Hey, man, I see you everywhere.
277
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:39,196
You're kicking ass.
278
00:11:39,264 --> 00:11:40,197
True Lies was great.
279
00:11:40,265 --> 00:11:41,197
I rent it all the time.
280
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,756
Can you get me in
with Rob Reiner?
281
00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,325
Excuse me. Sir?
282
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:45,870
Can we help you?
283
00:11:45,937 --> 00:11:48,235
Are you here
because you're an alcoholic?
284
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:49,706
Whoa. No. No. Baby.
285
00:11:49,774 --> 00:11:51,765
Don't get that
floating around town.
286
00:11:51,844 --> 00:11:53,869
Last thing I need
is people to think
287
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:55,606
I'm some drunk, alkie loser.
288
00:11:57,149 --> 00:11:59,616
Not that it's bad.
I mean, it's cool.
289
00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:01,710
You need to be
an alcoholic to be here.
290
00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:04,221
All right.
291
00:12:04,289 --> 00:12:07,850
Aw, there's got to be another AA
meeting around here somewhere.
292
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:13,653
Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser
to block.
293
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:19,933
Whew! Sorry I'm late, gang,
but I am wasted.
294
00:12:20,038 --> 00:12:22,563
Drinking shots like a madman.
295
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,302
I'm chocked,
cocked and crapulous.
296
00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:25,899
You know what I mean?
297
00:12:25,977 --> 00:12:28,309
One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor.
298
00:12:28,379 --> 00:12:29,403
Right? Who's with me?
299
00:12:29,481 --> 00:12:30,642
This guy knows what I'm saying.
300
00:12:31,649 --> 00:12:32,707
Can we help you?
301
00:12:32,784 --> 00:12:34,412
Oh, God, I hope you can.
302
00:12:34,486 --> 00:12:36,283
My name's Dickie Roberts,
303
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:39,221
and I'm a whiskey-puking alkie.
304
00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:40,951
Well, that's all
very interesting,
305
00:12:41,025 --> 00:12:42,926
but this is a Lamaze class.
306
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:46,486
Oh. Okay. Nice to see you.
307
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:49,557
I'm telling this story
to everybody I see.
308
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:52,297
That's got to be the dumbest
thing I've ever witnessed.
309
00:12:52,370 --> 00:12:53,633
Maybe it was.
310
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:56,697
But listen, what are you doing
in Lamaze class anyway?
311
00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,106
Is your wife pregnant?
312
00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,576
Yeah.
My wife is pregnant.
313
00:12:59,644 --> 00:13:01,340
Here she is now.
Have you met?
314
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:03,107
- Uh... no.
- Actually, we have.
315
00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:05,376
Three years ago, you hit on me,
and I shot you down,
316
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,248
and then you stole my number
from a friend.
317
00:13:07,318 --> 00:13:10,152
You know that we've been married
more than three years, right?
318
00:13:10,221 --> 00:13:12,086
And then you drunk-dialed me,
319
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:14,091
like, 30 times,
trying to hook up
320
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:15,626
some sort of booty call.
321
00:13:15,693 --> 00:13:17,923
Yes, right. What's up?
322
00:13:17,996 --> 00:13:19,486
Anyway, I got to pee.
323
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:21,429
Nice to see you.
324
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,933
Yes. Good to see you again.
325
00:13:24,035 --> 00:13:26,937
Anyway, Brendan,
I'm a big fan and...
326
00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:29,232
And you think
that you could score
327
00:13:29,307 --> 00:13:31,741
if I got you an audition
for Mr. Blake's Backyard?
328
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,403
Oh, my God. Of course.
329
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,173
Yeah, I can make a phone call
for you. Is it Rob Reiner?
330
00:13:35,246 --> 00:13:37,215
Oh, my God!
I love Brendan Frazier.
331
00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:38,113
Fraser.
332
00:13:38,183 --> 00:13:39,150
It is Fraser.
333
00:13:39,217 --> 00:13:41,186
It's Fraser.
Why do people say...?
334
00:13:49,394 --> 00:13:51,363
So, my good buddy...
335
00:13:51,429 --> 00:13:52,953
maybe you've heard of him-
336
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,364
Jorge of the Jungle...
Brendan Frazier.
337
00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:56,491
Oh, you heard me.
338
00:13:56,568 --> 00:13:57,831
I didn't stutter.
339
00:13:57,903 --> 00:14:01,360
Brendan Frazier is
going to make a call...
340
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,703
hook me up with Rob Reiner.
341
00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:05,140
Did Mr. Frazier call you?
342
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:06,905
I'll believe it when I see it.
343
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:08,842
Okay, I raise ten bucks.
344
00:14:08,913 --> 00:14:10,346
Actually, one buck
345
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:13,043
and the original
braces that Marcia wore
346
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:14,914
in the "Brace Yourself"
episode...
347
00:14:14,986 --> 00:14:17,421
easily worth
nine bucks on eBay.
348
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:19,217
Gross. I'm in.
349
00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:20,154
All right, I'm in.
350
00:14:20,225 --> 00:14:22,023
All right,
speaking of big stars,
351
00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:25,427
anybody see who People Magazine
gave "Sexiest Man Alive" to?
352
00:14:25,496 --> 00:14:28,022
George Clooney.
Don't get it.
353
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,828
George Clooney?
That doesn't make sense.
354
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:30,869
Who is voting on that stuff?
355
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,664
You know what, though?
356
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,070
George Clooney is a great star.
357
00:14:35,139 --> 00:14:37,370
He's huge, and deservedly so.
358
00:14:40,144 --> 00:14:41,577
I loved that boat movie.
359
00:14:41,647 --> 00:14:43,581
You know who I don't
get is Brad Pitt.
360
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,240
Yeah, what's up with Brad Pitt?
361
00:14:45,317 --> 00:14:47,409
Brad Pitt changes
his hair every day.
362
00:14:47,485 --> 00:14:49,953
Are girls really into guys
with great hair,
363
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,115
pretty faces
and built like a truck?
364
00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:55,354
- Yeah.
- Actually, yeah.
365
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:56,394
You know, one time,
366
00:14:56,461 --> 00:14:58,657
someone thought I was
Brad Pitt from the side.
367
00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:01,096
Yeah, I know, like, 20 people
who thought you were a girl
368
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,292
and not from the side.
369
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:04,597
Watch it.
370
00:15:04,669 --> 00:15:06,102
I raise two bucks
371
00:15:06,171 --> 00:15:10,607
with this authentic replica
of the jinxed
372
00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:12,644
Tiki idol
from the Brady episode
373
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:13,802
"Hawaii Bound."
374
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,903
Easily worth two bucks on eBay.
375
00:15:16,014 --> 00:15:17,447
I am out.
376
00:15:17,515 --> 00:15:18,447
Yeah, I'm out.
377
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:19,380
I'm out.
378
00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:21,475
There's your two.
379
00:15:21,552 --> 00:15:23,884
And you know who I don't get?
Vin Diesel.
380
00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:25,321
Oh, yes!
381
00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:26,585
Who's Vin Diesel?
382
00:15:26,658 --> 00:15:27,852
Is he good-Iooking?
383
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,725
I mean, I don't know
what's going on with him.
384
00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:32,558
Is he Chinese?
I don't know.
385
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:34,120
That's so horrible, man.
386
00:15:34,198 --> 00:15:35,256
You're such a dick.
387
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:36,892
Besides, he'd kick your ass.
388
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:38,265
Come on, Dickie.
389
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:39,894
How jealous can you get, really?
390
00:15:39,971 --> 00:15:40,903
It's getting bad.
391
00:15:40,972 --> 00:15:42,167
Vin Diesel's actually
a cool guy.
392
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,606
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
393
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,871
He actually lent me money once.
394
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,177
I just want to be a star again
so goddamn bad.
395
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:51,943
What's the thing
you miss the most, Dickie?
396
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:53,416
You know what?
It's not the limos.
397
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:55,179
Oh, I miss the limos.
398
00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:58,245
It's not the girls,
the money, the parties...
399
00:15:58,323 --> 00:16:01,451
The girls, the money,
the parties...
400
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,687
No, wait.
Seriously, you guys had limos?
401
00:16:03,761 --> 00:16:05,662
You know what?
It's not that stuff I miss.
402
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:07,630
It's something else.
It's... it's something
403
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,168
I miss so bad it hurts.
404
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:13,466
I just miss the love, you know?
I miss...
405
00:16:13,538 --> 00:16:16,201
My mom loved me
when I was a star,
406
00:16:16,274 --> 00:16:19,301
and people loved me
when I was a star.
407
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:23,177
And when somebody loves you,
it gives you a center.
408
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:26,115
It makes you feel good inside.
409
00:16:26,184 --> 00:16:29,552
That's what being a star
did for me.
410
00:16:29,620 --> 00:16:31,212
But you know what?
411
00:16:31,289 --> 00:16:32,847
It's all going to happen.
412
00:16:32,924 --> 00:16:34,517
I got my fingers crossed.
413
00:16:34,592 --> 00:16:37,356
I got my hopes up
for this Rob Reiner thing.
414
00:16:37,428 --> 00:16:38,895
Anyway... back to work.
415
00:16:38,964 --> 00:16:40,158
Two pair, Williams.
416
00:16:40,231 --> 00:16:41,323
Read it and weep.
417
00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:42,491
Uh-uh-uh!
418
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:44,034
What are you, nucking futs?
419
00:16:45,169 --> 00:16:46,500
Four of a kind.
420
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:47,504
You lose.
421
00:16:47,572 --> 00:16:48,903
Oh, man.
422
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:50,908
And, Dickie,
423
00:16:50,975 --> 00:16:53,945
they don't give out giant Rob
Reiner parts to guys like us.
424
00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:56,037
And I'll bet you
a thousand dollars...
425
00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,581
I'll make it a hundred dollars...
426
00:16:57,649 --> 00:17:00,549
and the actual football we used
to hit Marcia in the face with
427
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:03,485
in that "Oh, My Nose, My Nose"
episode,
428
00:17:03,554 --> 00:17:05,250
Brendan Frazier never calls.
429
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:07,650
Hold, please.
430
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:09,057
No freakin' way.
431
00:17:09,127 --> 00:17:11,255
Go for Dickie.
432
00:17:11,329 --> 00:17:13,525
"Go for Dickie."
433
00:17:13,598 --> 00:17:15,191
Brendan.
434
00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:19,060
Of course I can meet Rob
Reiner tomorrow at noon.
435
00:17:19,137 --> 00:17:21,002
You're the coolest.
You came through.
436
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:22,506
Thank you.
437
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:24,973
Oh, my God! He did it!
438
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,643
Sidney, this is the big one.
439
00:17:29,714 --> 00:17:31,773
I'm telling you, I can feel it.
440
00:17:31,849 --> 00:17:33,646
Thanks for letting me
use your car.
441
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,050
You go, son. Go.
You hang on to that energy.
442
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,281
Oh, I will. I'm going
to nail this bastard.
443
00:17:38,356 --> 00:17:39,789
All right, now, remember:
444
00:17:39,857 --> 00:17:41,450
You believe, you'll receive.
445
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,221
You doubt, you'll go without.
446
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:45,957
Oh, here's my song.
I got to go.
447
00:17:47,465 --> 00:17:49,798
It is the night
448
00:17:49,867 --> 00:17:51,631
My body's weak
449
00:17:51,702 --> 00:17:54,729
I'm on the run,
no time to sleep
450
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:55,932
Word to your mother.
451
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,269
I'm going to ride
452
00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:59,138
Ride like the wind
453
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,076
To be a star again
454
00:18:01,145 --> 00:18:03,079
Changing the words,
not the vibe.
455
00:18:03,147 --> 00:18:06,116
Whoo-hoo! This part is mine!
456
00:18:10,888 --> 00:18:12,516
Boom.
457
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,721
Hold the door!
458
00:18:15,794 --> 00:18:16,726
Okay.
459
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:17,989
Hold it.
460
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,428
I've got it.
461
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,056
Ooh!
462
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,430
Oh.
463
00:18:25,503 --> 00:18:26,993
Hello?
464
00:18:27,071 --> 00:18:28,767
Of course.
465
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,775
Listen, sorry about that.
466
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,173
It's just I couldn't
be late to see Rob.
467
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:34,905
Yikes! I mean, not yikes.
468
00:18:35,012 --> 00:18:36,445
I mean, what bump?
469
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:38,414
Hey, are these
470
00:18:38,483 --> 00:18:40,451
Mr. Blake's Backyard?
Can I have one?
471
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,419
Everybody in town
is dying to read it,
472
00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:45,150
but this script is on a
complete and total lockdown.
473
00:18:45,223 --> 00:18:47,749
However...
474
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,019
I'll sneak you a copy
475
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:51,585
'cause I recognize
you from that TV show.
476
00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:53,186
- Ooh, you will?
- Sure.
477
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:55,528
Although you'll have to wait
478
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:58,262
until hell freezes over,
asshole!
479
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:01,830
Yes?
480
00:19:01,906 --> 00:19:04,000
Yeah.
481
00:19:05,676 --> 00:19:07,372
Mr. Reiner will see you now.
482
00:19:07,445 --> 00:19:09,606
Okay.
483
00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:12,343
Dickie Roberts!
484
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:14,281
This is nucking futs!
485
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:15,285
Say it.
486
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:16,877
This is nucking futs!
487
00:19:16,954 --> 00:19:17,818
Hilarious.
488
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,117
Now say it in Spanish.
489
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,885
Aw, I'm kidding ya.
490
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:22,891
So Nicholson says
to Tom Cruise...
491
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:26,019
you know, in that...
that Jack voice of his...
492
00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:29,692
"That Demi Moore
is a really good actress.
493
00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:32,395
"We should re-title the movie
494
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:37,339
A Few Good Men and One Damn,
Hot Chick with Huge Boobs."
495
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,373
Didn't I see you
496
00:19:41,445 --> 00:19:43,710
parking cars
at Morton's Restaurant?
497
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:47,448
Me?
498
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,316
Yes, you did.
499
00:19:49,387 --> 00:19:52,356
I'm researching
a role for a movie,
500
00:19:52,423 --> 00:19:56,884
and that movie
is called Valet Parkers.
501
00:19:56,961 --> 00:19:58,691
But you know what?
502
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:01,857
If I got your movie, I'd turn
that thing down. Who cares?
503
00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:03,402
So this part...
504
00:20:03,468 --> 00:20:10,067
I mean, you are exactly
the height that I imagined.
505
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:15,045
You have the right build,
the right hair,
506
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:16,704
the right basic look.
507
00:20:16,781 --> 00:20:18,044
Know this:
508
00:20:18,115 --> 00:20:21,778
I will do any form
of drastic cosmetic surgery
509
00:20:21,853 --> 00:20:25,152
to change my appearance
to help the look.
510
00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:28,317
But... and this
is a very big but...
511
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:30,623
this is a huge acting part.
512
00:20:30,695 --> 00:20:34,358
I mean, the entire movie
hinges on this performance.
513
00:20:34,432 --> 00:20:37,799
And, Dickie, I just don't think
you could handle it.
514
00:20:37,868 --> 00:20:40,804
I mean, because, well...
515
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,863
because you're
not a real person.
516
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,477
Not real?
517
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:47,842
I don't mean to insult you.
518
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,346
It's just that, you know,
when an actor researches a part,
519
00:20:50,414 --> 00:20:51,847
it takes weeks,
sometimes months,
520
00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:53,281
to get inside of a character.
521
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:54,910
For you
to research this part,
522
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:57,750
you'd have to find out
what it's like to be normal.
523
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:58,982
Because basically,
that's this guy.
524
00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:00,922
He's just a simple, normal guy.
525
00:21:01,058 --> 00:21:02,616
I could do that.
That's easy.
526
00:21:02,693 --> 00:21:04,183
But you don't even know
what normal is.
527
00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:05,787
You completely missed out
528
00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:08,162
on the basic foundation
of adulthood...
529
00:21:08,232 --> 00:21:10,359
which is a childhood.
530
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:11,799
Who cares about all that stuff?
531
00:21:11,869 --> 00:21:12,928
Look, I'm good.
532
00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:14,767
Throw me
a little somethin'-somethin'
533
00:21:14,839 --> 00:21:17,808
from this supposed childhood
I missed, I'll act it out, man.
534
00:21:17,875 --> 00:21:19,173
Check it out.
535
00:21:19,243 --> 00:21:21,473
A-All right. Uh...
536
00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:24,309
Let's say you're...
you're six.
537
00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:27,113
Uh, let me see
the look on your face
538
00:21:27,184 --> 00:21:30,313
on Christmas morning
when you creep down the stairs
539
00:21:30,388 --> 00:21:32,880
and you see that red bike
under the tree.
540
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,688
You probably never
even had that experience.
541
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,321
Gotcha, six, bike, tree, stairs.
542
00:21:39,397 --> 00:21:41,025
Fake stairs.
543
00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:46,803
Holy shit! A bike!
544
00:21:46,872 --> 00:21:48,338
You're six.
545
00:21:48,406 --> 00:21:49,964
Holy crap! A bike!
546
00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:51,133
You're six.
547
00:21:51,209 --> 00:21:53,233
Ga-ga, goo-goo bikey.
548
00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:54,438
Too far back.
549
00:21:54,512 --> 00:21:56,503
Dickie, you're a mess.
550
00:21:56,580 --> 00:21:58,173
I mean, I-I don't know
what you'd have to do
551
00:21:58,250 --> 00:21:59,342
to straighten out.
552
00:21:59,417 --> 00:22:02,910
You'd probably have to relive
your entire childhood.
553
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,420
Wait.
554
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,922
I'm not actually
casting this part
555
00:22:05,990 --> 00:22:07,219
for another couple of months,
556
00:22:07,291 --> 00:22:08,781
but barring
some kind of a miracle,
557
00:22:08,859 --> 00:22:09,791
Yeah.
558
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:11,692
I just don't think
this is right for you.
559
00:22:11,762 --> 00:22:12,923
But you just said...
560
00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:14,623
Said what?
561
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:15,928
If I relive my childhood.
562
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,058
I can do that.
563
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,568
Dickie,
you're going to hire a family?
564
00:22:19,637 --> 00:22:21,605
That's why I'm selling my book...
I need money.
565
00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:22,605
We're happy about that.
566
00:22:22,673 --> 00:22:23,605
This is amazing stuff.
567
00:22:23,674 --> 00:22:24,699
What a life you've led.
568
00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:25,867
The only thing I ask
569
00:22:25,943 --> 00:22:28,640
is that you minimize the
sexy, sensational stuff
570
00:22:28,713 --> 00:22:31,114
because it might hurt my career
with people like Rob Reiner.
571
00:22:31,182 --> 00:22:34,084
Here on, uh, page 47,
it says you had a whistle
572
00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:35,278
stuck up your ass.
573
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,445
Yeah, stuff like that.
574
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,250
I think we should... cut it.
575
00:22:38,323 --> 00:22:39,449
Yeah, but it's a whole chapter.
576
00:22:39,523 --> 00:22:40,820
- It's fantastic.
- And, also,
577
00:22:40,892 --> 00:22:41,915
I had a lightbulb up there, too.
578
00:22:42,993 --> 00:22:44,722
- A lightbulb?
- Well, partially.
579
00:22:44,796 --> 00:22:47,628
It was sticking out a little bit
and when I bent over,
580
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:49,666
it looked like my ass
had a good idea.
581
00:22:49,734 --> 00:22:51,827
Dickie, this whole thing
just sounds bizarre.
582
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:53,301
No, you know what, I need this.
583
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,703
You know I want a big comeback
and this is the one.
584
00:22:55,773 --> 00:22:57,638
Please help me on this, Sidney.
Come on.
585
00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,075
Of course,
our standard advance
586
00:23:00,144 --> 00:23:02,909
for something like this
is $30,000.
587
00:23:02,980 --> 00:23:05,074
Did you say $30,000?
588
00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:06,913
Holy God Almighty!
589
00:23:06,984 --> 00:23:08,247
Christ on a crutch!
590
00:23:08,319 --> 00:23:09,513
We'll take it!
591
00:23:22,666 --> 00:23:24,362
You have 67 messages.
592
00:23:24,435 --> 00:23:25,903
First message:
593
00:23:25,971 --> 00:23:28,496
I saw your ad
about hiring a family.
594
00:23:35,881 --> 00:23:38,076
You that actor guy
needs a family?
595
00:23:38,150 --> 00:23:39,583
Uh, yeah, but, you know what,
596
00:23:39,651 --> 00:23:41,448
this whole thing's
not going to work,
597
00:23:41,519 --> 00:23:42,645
but thank you.
598
00:23:42,721 --> 00:23:43,653
Get back here!
599
00:23:43,721 --> 00:23:44,814
Dance with the devil!
600
00:23:44,890 --> 00:23:45,913
Leave me alone!
601
00:23:45,990 --> 00:23:48,585
You got the cizash,
we got the family.
602
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:49,922
Sad Eye Sadie...
603
00:23:51,829 --> 00:23:54,298
...Mad Dog, is it, Giant?
604
00:23:54,365 --> 00:23:57,096
Uh, I'm going to think about it.
605
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:58,295
Great.
606
00:23:58,369 --> 00:23:59,461
Hey, yo, Dickie.
607
00:23:59,538 --> 00:24:00,766
You nucking futs? Yo.
608
00:24:00,838 --> 00:24:02,431
Call a bitch.
609
00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:05,634
I don't actually have
a family, per se.
610
00:24:07,479 --> 00:24:09,070
Is it hot in here?
611
00:24:09,146 --> 00:24:12,913
I'm just going
to take off my robe.
612
00:24:13,018 --> 00:24:14,246
Oh!
613
00:24:14,318 --> 00:24:15,876
Oh, God.
614
00:24:15,953 --> 00:24:18,286
This one's been teasing me.
615
00:24:52,423 --> 00:24:54,414
Come on, Popeye.
616
00:24:54,492 --> 00:24:56,324
Hello.
617
00:24:56,394 --> 00:24:57,951
Hi.
618
00:24:58,028 --> 00:24:59,791
- Uh, may I help you?
- Yeah. I got a message
619
00:24:59,865 --> 00:25:00,797
that you had a family
620
00:25:00,865 --> 00:25:02,834
that was willing to put me up
for a month?
621
00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:06,097
Uh, sorry,
there must be some mistake.
622
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:07,365
No, uh, 741 Mockingbird.
623
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:08,905
Is this the Finney residence?
624
00:25:09,039 --> 00:25:10,165
Yes, it is,
625
00:25:10,241 --> 00:25:11,971
but I don't know
what you're talking about.
626
00:25:17,449 --> 00:25:19,211
- Hey, George.
- Hey, Andy.
627
00:25:19,284 --> 00:25:20,478
Dickie Roberts.
628
00:25:20,551 --> 00:25:22,451
"This is nucking futs!"
629
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:23,852
It is.
630
00:25:23,922 --> 00:25:25,219
George Finney... big fan.
631
00:25:25,289 --> 00:25:27,519
I just loved your show.
632
00:25:27,592 --> 00:25:28,923
Oh, my goodness.
633
00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:31,721
I thought you looked familiar.
634
00:25:31,796 --> 00:25:33,730
But, George, did you...?
635
00:25:33,798 --> 00:25:35,265
Oh, Grace, I should explain.
636
00:25:35,333 --> 00:25:37,028
Dickie and I talked
on the phone
637
00:25:37,102 --> 00:25:38,729
about a mutually advantageous
638
00:25:38,803 --> 00:25:40,201
business venture.
Why don't we, uh,
639
00:25:40,271 --> 00:25:42,035
go inside;
I'll explain everything.
640
00:25:42,106 --> 00:25:43,596
All right, that sounds great.
641
00:25:46,611 --> 00:25:48,806
- Hey.
- This is the casa.
642
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,176
- Whoo!
- Kids?
643
00:25:50,248 --> 00:25:51,476
Kids?
644
00:25:51,549 --> 00:25:52,949
Hey, kids, come here
for a second.
645
00:25:53,050 --> 00:25:54,746
I want you to meet somebody.
646
00:25:54,818 --> 00:25:55,876
George, can I talk to you
for a minute?
647
00:25:55,953 --> 00:25:56,942
Just a second, Grace.
648
00:25:57,021 --> 00:25:59,422
Dickie, this is Sam and Sally.
649
00:25:59,490 --> 00:26:00,616
Sam's the boy,
650
00:26:00,692 --> 00:26:03,057
so, that must make her Sally.
651
00:26:06,163 --> 00:26:08,097
Okay, why don't you guys
make small talk,
652
00:26:08,165 --> 00:26:10,361
and Grace and I
will pop into the other room
653
00:26:10,434 --> 00:26:11,902
and hammer out some details.
654
00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:15,836
Hi.
655
00:26:15,906 --> 00:26:18,204
How are you?
656
00:26:18,276 --> 00:26:20,869
We're fine.
657
00:26:20,945 --> 00:26:23,846
How are you?
658
00:26:23,914 --> 00:26:26,041
You don't think you should have
run all this by me first?!
659
00:26:26,116 --> 00:26:28,278
George, you invited a stranger
to live in our home.
660
00:26:28,353 --> 00:26:29,615
It's only for a month or so.
661
00:26:29,688 --> 00:26:30,676
- Well...
- Look,
662
00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:32,689
you just finished
night school, right?
663
00:26:32,757 --> 00:26:34,451
Studied your
interior design thing.
664
00:26:34,526 --> 00:26:35,584
That cost money.
665
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:36,922
Money we don't have.
666
00:26:37,028 --> 00:26:39,121
That is one of the reasons
I took those classes...
667
00:26:39,196 --> 00:26:40,528
so I can contribute an income.
668
00:26:41,732 --> 00:26:43,359
When?
669
00:26:43,434 --> 00:26:44,366
George...
670
00:26:44,435 --> 00:26:45,561
All I'm saying is we could
671
00:26:45,636 --> 00:26:47,501
really use this extra
money right now.
672
00:26:47,571 --> 00:26:49,563
Pay for some TV ads
down at the car lot.
673
00:26:49,641 --> 00:26:51,939
Take some of the pressure
off of me.
674
00:26:52,042 --> 00:26:55,604
I'm asking you this as a favor.
675
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:56,942
Help me out with this.
676
00:26:57,048 --> 00:27:00,039
I think it'll be a good thing.
677
00:27:02,186 --> 00:27:04,815
I'm going to need a bed.
678
00:27:04,888 --> 00:27:05,913
Should it be a crib?
679
00:27:07,692 --> 00:27:08,681
Here's a $20.
680
00:27:08,759 --> 00:27:09,817
I like the idea.
681
00:27:09,894 --> 00:27:11,417
Let's just bring it back
a touch, okay?
682
00:27:11,496 --> 00:27:12,792
Seriously,
how about a water bed?
683
00:27:12,864 --> 00:27:14,229
A water bed?
684
00:27:14,298 --> 00:27:15,993
Yeah, I got
a little lower back noise.
685
00:27:16,067 --> 00:27:17,125
My neck's crunching up.
686
00:27:17,201 --> 00:27:19,227
I think I'll move in tomorrow,
bright and early.
687
00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:20,362
Sounds great, huh?
688
00:27:20,438 --> 00:27:23,167
Operation Re-do Childhood
is about to begin.
689
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:25,174
I don't want him in our room.
690
00:27:25,242 --> 00:27:28,303
Kids, we really want this thing
with Mr. Roberts to work out,
691
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:30,314
so, let's try and be
as accommodating as possible.
692
00:27:30,382 --> 00:27:31,314
Okay?
693
00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:34,914
I like that;
I like where you're headed.
694
00:27:35,053 --> 00:27:36,315
That's the right attitude.
695
00:27:36,387 --> 00:27:38,116
All right.
696
00:27:39,490 --> 00:27:41,424
Dickie, I'm telling you,
I've called Reiner's office
697
00:27:41,492 --> 00:27:42,550
over and over.
698
00:27:42,626 --> 00:27:43,855
They won't put me through.
699
00:27:43,928 --> 00:27:46,692
I must have left five to six
to seven or eight messages.
700
00:27:46,765 --> 00:27:48,356
Well, then, leave
nine, ten or eleven.
701
00:27:48,432 --> 00:27:50,263
Come on, by the end
of all this, Sidney,
702
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:51,733
you've got to get
me that audition.
703
00:27:51,803 --> 00:27:53,930
Dickie, I bet you wish
you had a better agent.
704
00:27:54,038 --> 00:27:55,232
No, you're my agent, man.
705
00:27:55,306 --> 00:27:56,567
Come on, we're a team.
706
00:27:56,641 --> 00:27:58,107
Hey, by the way,
I read that script,
707
00:27:58,175 --> 00:27:59,507
Mr. Blake's Backyard
last night.
708
00:27:59,576 --> 00:28:00,601
Oh, yeah?
709
00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,407
I couldn't make head
or tails of it.
710
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,310
It's got so much adult stuff,
blah, blah, blah...
711
00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:05,609
I didn't know what was going on.
712
00:28:05,683 --> 00:28:07,116
Maybe I do need
to learn something.
713
00:28:07,184 --> 00:28:08,277
Well, Hutch is your dad.
714
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:09,786
You've got more talent
in your veins
715
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,252
than half the actors
in this town.
716
00:28:11,321 --> 00:28:13,256
You'll be great.
717
00:28:13,324 --> 00:28:16,851
Sidney, David Soul
is not my father.
718
00:28:16,928 --> 00:28:19,726
Oh, kid, I'm sorry.
719
00:28:19,798 --> 00:28:21,424
Is it Starsky?
720
00:28:21,499 --> 00:28:23,830
No. It's neither.
721
00:28:25,336 --> 00:28:29,396
I don't really remember
my real dad.
722
00:28:29,473 --> 00:28:31,169
The only memory I have
723
00:28:31,241 --> 00:28:34,075
is playing
that board game Candy Land.
724
00:28:34,144 --> 00:28:36,375
I was about five or six.
725
00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:37,607
We were laughing.
726
00:28:37,682 --> 00:28:39,047
I was really happy.
727
00:28:39,116 --> 00:28:40,277
But then he left,
728
00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:43,343
and it was just me and my mom
for a while,
729
00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:45,412
and then she left, so...
730
00:28:45,490 --> 00:28:47,355
I'm sorry, kid.
731
00:28:47,424 --> 00:28:51,292
Sidney, the point is,
you've always been there for me.
732
00:28:51,362 --> 00:28:53,022
You've been a good guy.
733
00:28:53,097 --> 00:28:54,894
You're a good agent;
I appreciate it.
734
00:28:58,670 --> 00:29:00,661
All right, listen,
you go do your project,
735
00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,865
and I promise you,
I'll do whatever it takes
736
00:29:02,941 --> 00:29:04,101
to get you that audition
737
00:29:04,174 --> 00:29:05,506
with Rob Reiner, okay?
738
00:29:05,576 --> 00:29:07,567
I never doubted you
for a second.
739
00:29:07,644 --> 00:29:09,442
We're a team.
740
00:29:09,513 --> 00:29:11,880
We're going to get this.
741
00:29:12,016 --> 00:29:13,813
Go get 'em!
742
00:29:32,369 --> 00:29:34,065
And another thing,
Stranger Danger,
743
00:29:34,138 --> 00:29:35,902
all these video games...
they're mine.
744
00:29:36,039 --> 00:29:37,904
And, uh, Sally's stuff...
that's hers.
745
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:39,102
So, no touchy.
746
00:29:39,176 --> 00:29:40,336
Hey, can you knock it off
747
00:29:40,411 --> 00:29:41,901
with the Stranger Danger
moniker?
748
00:29:42,046 --> 00:29:43,104
I'm not nuts about it.
749
00:29:43,181 --> 00:29:45,672
Well, I think this water bed
thing is a little silly.
750
00:29:45,750 --> 00:29:47,376
Are you, like,
cuckoo in the head?
751
00:29:47,451 --> 00:29:49,682
Yeah, and I don't think
you should turn on that hose.
752
00:29:49,753 --> 00:29:51,381
You'll get
a Water Wiggle action going.
753
00:29:51,455 --> 00:29:52,923
Ooh, Water Wiggle... what's that?
754
00:29:53,057 --> 00:29:54,217
The toy... Water Wiggle?
755
00:29:54,291 --> 00:29:56,317
You don't know what toy that is?
756
00:29:56,394 --> 00:29:57,587
Uh-uh.
757
00:29:57,662 --> 00:29:58,788
Oh, man, this is sad.
758
00:29:58,863 --> 00:30:01,832
You really did miss out,
didn't you, Stranger Danger?
759
00:30:01,900 --> 00:30:02,923
Well, I can teach you
760
00:30:03,067 --> 00:30:04,796
how to put Preparation H
on your eyes
761
00:30:04,868 --> 00:30:05,926
to get rid of bags, huh?
762
00:30:06,069 --> 00:30:07,502
I'll help you, you help me.
763
00:30:07,571 --> 00:30:08,731
I'm just saying
764
00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:10,933
a Water Wiggle
will beat the crap out of you.
765
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,669
Yeah, it's less of a toy
and more of a bruise machine.
766
00:30:13,744 --> 00:30:15,609
I like that, that's interesting,
tell me more.
767
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:16,942
What other toys should I know?
768
00:30:17,015 --> 00:30:20,279
Uh, Gobots, Hot Wheels, Robodon.
769
00:30:20,351 --> 00:30:21,282
Transformers.
770
00:30:21,352 --> 00:30:22,284
Slip 'n Slide.
771
00:30:22,353 --> 00:30:23,285
Stratego.
772
00:30:23,354 --> 00:30:24,286
Mousetrap.
773
00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:25,287
- Trolls.
- Hurry Up.
774
00:30:25,355 --> 00:30:26,288
- He-man.
- Slinky.
775
00:30:26,356 --> 00:30:27,288
- Dumarina.
- Click Clacks.
776
00:30:27,357 --> 00:30:28,289
- Pac-Man.
- Clue.
777
00:30:28,358 --> 00:30:29,826
- Wheel-o.
- Donkey Kong.
778
00:30:29,894 --> 00:30:31,417
- Caterpillar.
- Duncan Yo-Yo.
779
00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:33,361
- Razor Scooters.
- Return to Wolfenstein.
780
00:30:33,431 --> 00:30:36,058
Uh-uh-uh.
Okay, that's enough.
781
00:30:36,134 --> 00:30:37,624
Don't make me call
the Guinness Book.
782
00:30:37,701 --> 00:30:39,602
But what about
the best game of all?
783
00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:41,969
Come on, guys.
784
00:30:42,105 --> 00:30:43,130
Candy Land?
785
00:30:43,208 --> 00:30:44,971
- No.
- Don't know it.
786
00:30:45,076 --> 00:30:46,542
No? I got you.
787
00:30:46,611 --> 00:30:48,271
Whoo! In your face. Candy Land.
788
00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:50,108
That was the most fun
I had as a kid.
789
00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:52,479
I remember I picked the card
with the ice-cream bar on it.
790
00:30:52,549 --> 00:30:54,107
I was like...
791
00:30:54,184 --> 00:30:55,516
We have a winner! Whoo!
792
00:30:55,586 --> 00:30:56,554
Yeah, whatever.
793
00:30:56,621 --> 00:30:57,747
But still, it's Water Wiggle
794
00:30:57,821 --> 00:30:59,186
that you should
be thinking about.
795
00:30:59,257 --> 00:31:01,487
Steady, Chicken Little.
796
00:31:06,631 --> 00:31:08,326
Oh.
797
00:31:14,806 --> 00:31:15,567
Oh, my God.
798
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,307
What's up? You like that?!
799
00:31:26,984 --> 00:31:31,479
Yeah! What happened, bitch? Huh?
800
00:31:34,325 --> 00:31:37,885
Damn, that Water Wiggle thing
is like a Stephen King movie.
801
00:31:37,961 --> 00:31:39,554
It's supposed to be a toy?
802
00:31:39,631 --> 00:31:42,326
Anyway, okay, so, this
is a Water Wiggle.
803
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,095
Any other toys
you want to show me?
804
00:31:51,174 --> 00:31:53,200
Oh, my gosh.
805
00:31:53,278 --> 00:31:54,711
Look at all this shizzit.
806
00:31:54,778 --> 00:31:56,769
What's shizzit?
807
00:31:56,847 --> 00:31:58,076
It's a secret way to swear.
808
00:31:58,148 --> 00:32:00,083
Again, learn from me,
I'll learn from you.
809
00:32:00,151 --> 00:32:04,053
These were all our toys
from when we were kids.
810
00:32:04,122 --> 00:32:05,088
Yeah.
811
00:32:05,155 --> 00:32:07,556
Seems like only yesterday.
812
00:32:07,625 --> 00:32:11,220
Wow, we sure did have
a lot of shizzit.
813
00:32:12,163 --> 00:32:13,460
Farm-a-Iong.
814
00:32:13,530 --> 00:32:17,398
The rooster crows
his morning crow.
815
00:32:17,468 --> 00:32:18,695
And the horse whinnies
816
00:32:18,769 --> 00:32:20,294
- For its rider.
- Boring.
817
00:32:20,371 --> 00:32:22,338
Let me guess...
the cow says "moo"
818
00:32:22,406 --> 00:32:23,874
and the duck says "quack."
819
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,932
You need to update this thing.
820
00:32:26,076 --> 00:32:27,703
How about
"The sprinkler says..."
821
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:31,844
Yeah. And a motorcycle goes...
822
00:32:36,854 --> 00:32:41,483
And the jet ski... similar
to the motorcycle, not the same.
823
00:32:48,199 --> 00:32:49,461
See, it bogs out a little bit
824
00:32:49,534 --> 00:32:51,297
'cause you got water
in the carb. Hmm?
825
00:32:53,237 --> 00:32:55,603
Sally's looking at me like,
"You're an idiot."
826
00:32:55,673 --> 00:32:58,699
Well, get in line, sister,
because my ex-girlfriend says,
827
00:32:58,776 --> 00:32:59,834
"You're a loser,"
828
00:32:59,911 --> 00:33:02,038
and the casting director says,
"You're washed up,"
829
00:33:02,113 --> 00:33:03,910
and my mom says,
"You're an embarrassment,"
830
00:33:04,048 --> 00:33:06,073
and the guy in the street says,
"You suck,"
831
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,778
and I said, "No, you suck,"
and he says, "You suck, dude,"
832
00:33:08,853 --> 00:33:10,080
and I go, "No, you suck,"
833
00:33:10,153 --> 00:33:12,212
and he goes,
"You know you suck," and I go...
834
00:33:15,425 --> 00:33:18,826
The rooster crows.
The rooster crows.
835
00:33:18,895 --> 00:33:21,261
What else you got?
836
00:33:21,332 --> 00:33:23,925
Could you pass the potatoes,
please?
837
00:33:24,001 --> 00:33:26,561
Popeye, no.
838
00:33:26,636 --> 00:33:29,333
Go.
839
00:33:29,406 --> 00:33:31,636
Oh, hey, Mom, where's
my field hockey jersey?
840
00:33:31,709 --> 00:33:33,142
I couldn't find it.
841
00:33:33,211 --> 00:33:36,907
Hmm. I washed it and folded it
and put it in your drawer.
842
00:33:36,980 --> 00:33:39,039
No wonder you couldn't find it.
843
00:33:39,116 --> 00:33:40,413
Hey, Stranger Danger,
I got to ask,
844
00:33:40,484 --> 00:33:41,576
what's with the gloves?
845
00:33:41,652 --> 00:33:43,118
It's kind of freaking me out.
846
00:33:43,186 --> 00:33:45,347
Uh, sanitary reasons. Shh.
847
00:33:45,423 --> 00:33:47,117
Anyway, you guys,
848
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:48,384
I don't want to stop you...
keep going.
849
00:33:48,459 --> 00:33:49,448
Talk, talk, talk.
850
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:50,686
I love all this normal crap.
851
00:33:50,761 --> 00:33:51,819
"Crap?"
852
00:33:51,895 --> 00:33:54,160
Stuff. Normal stuff.
853
00:33:54,231 --> 00:33:55,563
Hey, where's George?
854
00:33:55,633 --> 00:33:57,259
I want a little Dad action.
855
00:33:57,335 --> 00:33:59,496
He's hardly ever at dinner.
856
00:33:59,569 --> 00:34:02,266
Sally, Jane called.
857
00:34:02,339 --> 00:34:03,772
She wants you to call her back.
858
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:05,775
Who's this Jason boy
she's got a crush on?
859
00:34:05,843 --> 00:34:07,777
Oh, just some boy,
but Heather Bolan
860
00:34:07,845 --> 00:34:09,903
is totally stealing him
away from her.
861
00:34:09,981 --> 00:34:11,471
Why?
862
00:34:11,548 --> 00:34:12,516
Because she can.
863
00:34:12,583 --> 00:34:14,244
She's the most beautiful girl
in the school,
864
00:34:14,318 --> 00:34:15,545
and whatever she wants,
she gets.
865
00:34:15,619 --> 00:34:17,746
Heather Bolan
has an older brother.
866
00:34:17,822 --> 00:34:19,152
He's a real jerk.
867
00:34:19,222 --> 00:34:21,123
He totally picks on Sam.
868
00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:23,820
It seems like everybody
at school does.
869
00:34:24,996 --> 00:34:26,657
There's my phone.
Shh. Two seconds.
870
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:27,697
Go for Dickie.
871
00:34:27,764 --> 00:34:28,789
Hey, Dickie.
872
00:34:28,865 --> 00:34:29,833
Hey, Sidney.
873
00:34:29,900 --> 00:34:32,699
I just got back
from Rob Reiner's office.
874
00:34:32,769 --> 00:34:34,168
Guess who was there?
875
00:34:34,237 --> 00:34:35,295
Sean Penn.
876
00:34:35,373 --> 00:34:36,931
No, not Sean Penn!
877
00:34:37,074 --> 00:34:40,135
Not Sean Penn! Damn!
878
00:34:40,210 --> 00:34:41,802
Oh, Dickie,
don't worry about it.
879
00:34:41,878 --> 00:34:44,541
I struck up a friendship
with Rob's security people.
880
00:34:44,614 --> 00:34:46,081
I really feel
we're moving forward.
881
00:34:46,150 --> 00:34:48,175
Yes! And this studying-up-
on-being-a-kid thing
882
00:34:48,251 --> 00:34:49,275
is going great.
883
00:34:49,353 --> 00:34:50,876
Get me in there,
884
00:34:50,954 --> 00:34:52,855
I'll nail that part
like Jesus the Carpenter.
885
00:34:52,923 --> 00:34:56,324
All right,
I'll see you later, buddy.
886
00:34:56,393 --> 00:34:57,724
Heh-heh! Whoo!
887
00:34:57,795 --> 00:34:59,353
Oh, sorry.
888
00:34:59,429 --> 00:35:00,896
I get a little excited.
889
00:35:01,032 --> 00:35:02,862
I'm gonna go drain the main
vein, how about that?
890
00:35:04,501 --> 00:35:08,097
I mean, I go pee pee now.
891
00:35:19,152 --> 00:35:20,313
It's so crazy.
892
00:35:20,387 --> 00:35:21,786
The Water Wiggle thing
was a joke.
893
00:35:21,856 --> 00:35:23,880
He destroyed this toy
that pissed him off.
894
00:35:23,958 --> 00:35:25,789
It's like he was
totally out of control.
895
00:35:25,860 --> 00:35:27,349
Mom, you've got to listen to me.
896
00:35:27,427 --> 00:35:28,985
We don't want him
around anymore.
897
00:35:29,063 --> 00:35:30,360
Can't you make him go away?
898
00:35:30,431 --> 00:35:31,420
I'd like to,
899
00:35:31,498 --> 00:35:33,329
but your father made
this deal with him.
900
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:34,731
Wait, I got it.
901
00:35:34,802 --> 00:35:36,894
Let's pretend that staying
in our tree house out back
902
00:35:36,971 --> 00:35:38,768
is good for his project.
903
00:35:38,838 --> 00:35:41,000
Yeah. But, Sam, the tree house
is pretty old and crappy.
904
00:35:41,108 --> 00:35:42,199
So is he.
905
00:35:42,275 --> 00:35:44,766
We want him out of our house,
don't we?
906
00:35:44,844 --> 00:35:46,335
Don't we?
907
00:35:48,148 --> 00:35:49,137
Hey.
908
00:35:49,215 --> 00:35:50,273
You know what, Dickie?
909
00:35:50,351 --> 00:35:51,784
We came up with a great idea.
910
00:35:51,851 --> 00:35:54,286
Maybe you should stay
out back in the tree house.
911
00:35:54,355 --> 00:35:55,719
Sam, that's a great idea.
912
00:35:55,789 --> 00:35:57,983
A real kid would do that,
wouldn't he?
913
00:35:58,057 --> 00:35:59,355
Yeah. Yeah, that might be fun.
914
00:35:59,425 --> 00:36:00,757
All right.
915
00:36:22,750 --> 00:36:24,478
I wonder what
he's doing up there.
916
00:36:24,552 --> 00:36:27,282
Who cares, just so Stranger
Danger's out of our house.
917
00:36:27,353 --> 00:36:29,583
But still.
918
00:36:29,657 --> 00:36:31,556
Yeah.
919
00:36:31,625 --> 00:36:33,353
It actually looks pretty cool.
920
00:36:33,427 --> 00:36:35,690
Is that a disco ball?
921
00:36:35,762 --> 00:36:36,820
Woo!
922
00:36:36,896 --> 00:36:40,355
See, maybe we should
peek our heads in.
923
00:36:41,835 --> 00:36:44,201
Okay, let me do the talking.
924
00:36:49,175 --> 00:36:50,871
Uh, may I help you?
925
00:36:50,945 --> 00:36:54,277
Was I being too loud
in my tree house?
926
00:36:54,347 --> 00:36:55,280
Um...
927
00:36:55,349 --> 00:36:56,976
Well, we just wanted to know
928
00:36:57,050 --> 00:36:58,244
if we could come up.
929
00:36:58,318 --> 00:36:59,286
"Can we come up?"
930
00:36:59,353 --> 00:37:00,547
All right, you can come up
931
00:37:00,621 --> 00:37:02,588
for a little bit,
see what you're missing.
932
00:37:09,630 --> 00:37:11,893
Well, you really fixed
this place up, didn't you?
933
00:37:11,965 --> 00:37:12,954
Oh, yeah, I did.
934
00:37:13,099 --> 00:37:15,226
Put a little lipstick
on this pig.
935
00:37:15,302 --> 00:37:17,827
But I'm confused,
'cause you like it now,
936
00:37:17,905 --> 00:37:20,965
and I thought the tree
house was a drag.
937
00:37:21,074 --> 00:37:24,909
If I took a poll,
people would say it sucked.
938
00:37:24,978 --> 00:37:26,240
But maybe I'm wrong.
939
00:37:26,313 --> 00:37:28,543
Maybe I'm stupid,
maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.
940
00:37:28,615 --> 00:37:30,742
It is kind of cool now.
941
00:37:30,818 --> 00:37:32,751
Oh, it's cool now.
942
00:37:32,820 --> 00:37:33,786
You hear that?
943
00:37:33,853 --> 00:37:35,115
It's kind of cool now.
944
00:37:35,188 --> 00:37:36,985
Let's go.
945
00:37:37,090 --> 00:37:38,353
Wait.
946
00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:40,393
Don't leave.
You guys can stay.
947
00:37:40,460 --> 00:37:43,452
What do you want to do?
948
00:37:46,233 --> 00:37:47,699
And so the hook hand
949
00:37:47,768 --> 00:37:50,099
was hanging there
on the car door.
950
00:37:52,139 --> 00:37:54,936
Ooh, that was intense.
951
00:37:55,009 --> 00:37:56,704
Okay, now it's my turn.
952
00:37:56,777 --> 00:37:58,972
All right.
953
00:38:00,347 --> 00:38:05,306
This is the story of the witch
of Cloverfield Central School.
954
00:38:07,186 --> 00:38:11,817
Once upon a time,
there was this witch in school.
955
00:38:11,891 --> 00:38:16,829
She was a very, very bad witch.
956
00:38:16,896 --> 00:38:19,262
Ha, ha.
957
00:38:19,333 --> 00:38:21,061
All the boys liked her,
958
00:38:21,135 --> 00:38:24,764
because they didn't know
what a bad witch she was.
959
00:38:24,838 --> 00:38:28,204
Sally,
does this witch have a name?
960
00:38:28,275 --> 00:38:30,766
Mm...
No, not really.
961
00:38:30,844 --> 00:38:32,436
Just a witch.
962
00:38:32,512 --> 00:38:36,449
Right, and Sally,
what does this witch look like?
963
00:38:36,516 --> 00:38:38,711
Okay, she dresses very nice,
964
00:38:38,786 --> 00:38:41,253
'cause her dad
has a lot of money.
965
00:38:41,322 --> 00:38:45,224
Really hot capris,
super tight Zootopia tops.
966
00:38:45,291 --> 00:38:46,952
I don't think this is a witch.
967
00:38:47,027 --> 00:38:49,655
I think it's Heather Bolan.
968
00:38:49,730 --> 00:38:51,960
What? That's crazy.
969
00:38:52,032 --> 00:38:53,965
Okay, it's Heather Bolan.
970
00:38:55,501 --> 00:38:56,867
Oh, you know what, Sally?
971
00:38:56,936 --> 00:38:59,405
I don't like her
and I've never even met her.
972
00:38:59,472 --> 00:39:01,873
Anyone who bugs you
can't be good.
973
00:39:01,942 --> 00:39:03,876
Now it's my turn.
974
00:39:03,943 --> 00:39:09,210
My story is called "The Day
the Sitcom Got Canceled."
975
00:39:11,617 --> 00:39:16,612
The sky, she was stormy
that night.
976
00:39:16,690 --> 00:39:18,954
Suddenly, the phone rang.
977
00:39:28,668 --> 00:39:30,603
The little boy's mother
picked it up.
978
00:39:30,670 --> 00:39:32,262
"Hello?"
979
00:39:32,338 --> 00:39:35,706
The evil producer on
the other end said,
980
00:39:35,775 --> 00:39:37,675
"The ratings have hit
a six-year low."
981
00:39:40,481 --> 00:39:41,606
It gets scarier.
982
00:39:41,681 --> 00:39:43,706
"The network is in a panic."
983
00:39:45,119 --> 00:39:47,177
Yeah.
Here's where it heats up.
984
00:39:47,253 --> 00:39:49,722
They didn't
have a replacement show.
985
00:39:49,789 --> 00:39:50,653
No, no!
986
00:39:50,724 --> 00:39:52,088
Dickie!
987
00:39:52,159 --> 00:39:54,719
I know,
what are they going to do?
988
00:39:56,463 --> 00:39:58,260
What? What's wrong?
989
00:39:58,331 --> 00:39:59,128
There's something...
990
00:39:59,199 --> 00:40:01,166
Okay, I'll stop. What?
991
00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:17,344
No.
992
00:40:17,418 --> 00:40:19,681
Don't, don't.
993
00:40:19,753 --> 00:40:21,014
Get away.
994
00:40:21,088 --> 00:40:23,021
No, get off.
995
00:40:24,090 --> 00:40:25,251
He's having a nightmare.
996
00:40:25,324 --> 00:40:27,588
He's been talking in his sleep
like that for the last hour.
997
00:40:29,096 --> 00:40:30,222
Dickie?
998
00:40:30,297 --> 00:40:32,025
He's getting... Get off.
999
00:40:32,099 --> 00:40:34,465
- Don't leave me.
- Dickie, wake up.
1000
00:40:34,534 --> 00:40:36,730
No. It's on me.
1001
00:40:36,804 --> 00:40:38,327
I can't...
1002
00:40:38,405 --> 00:40:39,530
Mom?
1003
00:40:39,606 --> 00:40:41,164
What?
1004
00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:42,503
Do something.
1005
00:40:42,576 --> 00:40:44,373
No, not again.
1006
00:40:47,947 --> 00:40:51,440
Dickie, wake up.
Dickie, wake up.
1007
00:40:51,518 --> 00:40:53,213
Wake up.
1008
00:40:53,286 --> 00:40:55,380
You were having a bad dream.
1009
00:40:55,456 --> 00:40:57,389
Oh, there were these big spiders
1010
00:40:57,458 --> 00:40:59,891
and they...
they were trying to eat me
1011
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:02,326
and they jammed their legs
down my ear
1012
00:41:02,396 --> 00:41:04,125
and in my brain,
and they were...
1013
00:41:04,197 --> 00:41:05,255
Mom.
1014
00:41:05,331 --> 00:41:06,958
...guts of my head and...
1015
00:41:07,034 --> 00:41:07,931
Come on, Mom, sing it.
1016
00:41:08,001 --> 00:41:09,331
And there was so many...
1017
00:41:09,402 --> 00:41:10,893
Okay. Dickie,
1018
00:41:10,971 --> 00:41:12,369
this is what I do for my kids
1019
00:41:12,438 --> 00:41:13,996
when they're having a nightmare.
1020
00:41:14,106 --> 00:41:18,202
Hush little baby,
don't say a word
1021
00:41:18,277 --> 00:41:21,907
Mama's gonna buy you
a mockingbird
1022
00:41:21,981 --> 00:41:25,144
And if that mockingbird
don't sing
1023
00:41:25,219 --> 00:41:29,985
Mama's going to buy you
a diamond ring
1024
00:41:30,056 --> 00:41:34,721
If that diamond ring
turns brass...
1025
00:41:41,168 --> 00:41:42,192
Okay.
1026
00:41:43,269 --> 00:41:45,237
Let's go to bed.
It's okay.
1027
00:41:59,619 --> 00:42:01,952
Now, that was probably
the nicest thing
1028
00:42:02,021 --> 00:42:03,648
anyone's ever done for me.
1029
00:42:04,724 --> 00:42:06,590
You feel bad, and your mom
1030
00:42:06,659 --> 00:42:12,188
actually tries
to make you feel not bad.
1031
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:15,163
Wow.
1032
00:42:17,237 --> 00:42:19,704
By the way,
your mom's really hot.
1033
00:42:19,773 --> 00:42:21,001
- What?
- Ew!
1034
00:42:21,074 --> 00:42:23,474
What, am I wrong?
1035
00:42:23,543 --> 00:42:24,840
And what's the backyard like?
1036
00:42:24,911 --> 00:42:26,344
Has she got the G-string going
1037
00:42:26,413 --> 00:42:28,938
or them big ol' grannies
with the louvers?
1038
00:42:29,016 --> 00:42:30,505
I'm betting sweet thong.
1039
00:42:30,583 --> 00:42:31,414
- Ugh!
- Gross!
1040
00:42:31,485 --> 00:42:32,509
Yuck.
1041
00:42:32,585 --> 00:42:34,849
Come on, Sam,
pretend she's not your mom.
1042
00:42:34,922 --> 00:42:36,014
Are they real?
1043
00:42:36,088 --> 00:42:37,351
I think they're real.
1044
00:42:37,423 --> 00:42:38,914
I bumped into them the other day
1045
00:42:38,992 --> 00:42:41,255
and it was like "boing,"
and I was like "boing."
1046
00:42:41,327 --> 00:42:43,023
Dickie, she's our mom.
1047
00:42:43,096 --> 00:42:46,657
She's my mom, too,
and I'm dealing with it somehow.
1048
00:42:46,733 --> 00:42:48,791
Anyway.
1049
00:42:48,869 --> 00:42:50,530
Good night, prude people.
1050
00:42:50,603 --> 00:42:53,197
Dream the dream of prudes.
1051
00:42:53,273 --> 00:42:55,206
Prude it up.
1052
00:42:55,275 --> 00:42:58,210
Have a nice G-rated dream
full of prudiness.
1053
00:42:58,277 --> 00:43:00,268
Go to sleep, Dickie.
1054
00:43:03,382 --> 00:43:06,978
Okay, Stranger Danger,
this is a Slip 'n Slide.
1055
00:43:07,054 --> 00:43:08,918
If you master this,
1056
00:43:08,989 --> 00:43:11,219
it's the first step
to being a real kid.
1057
00:43:11,291 --> 00:43:12,690
- Great.
- Dickie,
1058
00:43:12,759 --> 00:43:13,851
there has to be water on it.
1059
00:43:15,262 --> 00:43:16,422
Oh, that's...
1060
00:43:16,496 --> 00:43:18,123
that's going to leave a mark.
1061
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:22,867
That... stings.
1062
00:43:25,572 --> 00:43:27,539
Good to go.
1063
00:43:32,244 --> 00:43:33,643
- Yeah, all right.
- He did it.
1064
00:43:33,713 --> 00:43:34,646
That was great.
1065
00:43:34,715 --> 00:43:35,909
I got something better.
1066
00:43:36,983 --> 00:43:38,110
Just water is lame.
1067
00:43:38,184 --> 00:43:40,516
This thing needs
a little Wesson-ality.
1068
00:43:40,586 --> 00:43:42,019
Dickie, are you sure about this?
1069
00:43:42,088 --> 00:43:43,715
Steady.
1070
00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:48,420
Here we go.
1071
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:54,664
Oh, shizzit!
1072
00:43:58,105 --> 00:44:00,800
Ow...!
1073
00:44:02,041 --> 00:44:03,838
Splinter.
1074
00:44:04,911 --> 00:44:07,641
That toy is
Insane in the membrane
1075
00:44:07,713 --> 00:44:08,976
Insane, got no brain.
1076
00:44:10,483 --> 00:44:13,317
I got pretty banged up out
there, but I learned some stuff.
1077
00:44:13,387 --> 00:44:15,514
Let's keep it mellow
in the future.
1078
00:44:15,588 --> 00:44:17,750
So, what do you drink,
being a kid?
1079
00:44:17,824 --> 00:44:19,655
Uh, soda, like-like root beer.
1080
00:44:19,726 --> 00:44:20,818
Well, not a wussy kid.
1081
00:44:20,893 --> 00:44:21,985
A real kid, all right?
1082
00:44:22,128 --> 00:44:24,153
You had me at the beer part,
but you lost me at root.
1083
00:44:24,231 --> 00:44:25,697
Now, let's not jump
to malt liquor,
1084
00:44:25,766 --> 00:44:26,960
but something in the middle.
1085
00:44:27,034 --> 00:44:28,501
How about real beer?
1086
00:44:28,568 --> 00:44:30,592
Whoa, lady. Easy.
1087
00:44:30,670 --> 00:44:31,603
Whoa.
1088
00:44:31,672 --> 00:44:32,764
Okay, real beer. How many?
1089
00:44:32,838 --> 00:44:33,806
Six-pack?
1090
00:44:33,873 --> 00:44:35,000
So, you're crazy?
1091
00:44:35,074 --> 00:44:36,007
A six-pack?
1092
00:44:36,076 --> 00:44:37,304
Are you a total alkie?
1093
00:44:37,376 --> 00:44:38,172
Oh, my gosh.
1094
00:44:38,244 --> 00:44:39,177
How about four?
1095
00:44:39,246 --> 00:44:40,338
One for you, one for you,
1096
00:44:40,414 --> 00:44:42,847
and two for me
'cause I'm kind of a husky kid.
1097
00:44:42,916 --> 00:44:44,507
Okay, so a six-pack.
1098
00:44:44,583 --> 00:44:45,846
You just said four.
1099
00:44:45,918 --> 00:44:48,012
Oh, the wussy's taking
the minutes of the meeting.
1100
00:44:48,088 --> 00:44:49,179
Okay, four it is.
1101
00:44:49,255 --> 00:44:50,655
I'll buy. I'll fly.
1102
00:44:51,724 --> 00:44:54,592
We have beer.
1103
00:44:54,661 --> 00:44:56,525
We're not supposed
to drink that.
1104
00:44:56,596 --> 00:44:57,688
What?
1105
00:44:57,764 --> 00:44:59,527
We're supposed to think
about drinking beer
1106
00:44:59,599 --> 00:45:01,327
one day, in the future.
1107
00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:03,766
It's like, uh, you know,
"When I get older,
1108
00:45:03,836 --> 00:45:05,827
I'm going to be allowed
to drink beer."
1109
00:45:05,905 --> 00:45:07,237
It's going too fast.
1110
00:45:07,306 --> 00:45:08,967
I knew kids
that were on TV shows
1111
00:45:09,041 --> 00:45:10,838
getting whiffed up
when they're 16.
1112
00:45:10,911 --> 00:45:12,434
"Whiffed up"?
1113
00:45:12,512 --> 00:45:14,480
Whiff, coke, toot,
lines, blast, rails,
1114
00:45:14,547 --> 00:45:16,072
nose candy, devil's dandruff,
1115
00:45:16,148 --> 00:45:17,639
power flour, sniffy jiffy,
1116
00:45:17,717 --> 00:45:18,809
booger sugar.
1117
00:45:18,885 --> 00:45:21,717
Come on, Sam, the rest
of the class is on page 52.
1118
00:45:21,788 --> 00:45:24,313
Dickie, when you're talking
to me, all I'm thinking is
1119
00:45:24,391 --> 00:45:25,824
Brick wall, waterfall
1120
00:45:25,891 --> 00:45:27,688
Dickie thinks he got it all,
but he don't
1121
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,228
And I do, so boom
with that attitude
1122
00:45:30,297 --> 00:45:31,490
Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch
1123
00:45:31,565 --> 00:45:32,998
I got something you can't touch
1124
00:45:33,065 --> 00:45:34,327
Bang, bang, choo-choo train
1125
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:35,697
Wind me up, I do my thing
1126
00:45:35,768 --> 00:45:37,259
No Reese's Pieces, 7 UP
1127
00:45:37,336 --> 00:45:39,202
Mess with me, I'll mess you up.
1128
00:45:39,271 --> 00:45:41,172
Interesting.
1129
00:45:41,240 --> 00:45:42,538
Whatever.
1130
00:45:42,608 --> 00:45:44,235
Anyway.
1131
00:45:44,311 --> 00:45:46,403
By the way, sniffy jiffy,
it's no good.
1132
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:47,309
Don't do it.
1133
00:45:47,380 --> 00:45:48,311
Let me tell you something.
1134
00:45:48,380 --> 00:45:49,677
About this putting stuff off?
1135
00:45:49,750 --> 00:45:52,344
When I was your age,
I did whatever I wanted,
1136
00:45:52,418 --> 00:45:54,215
whenever I wanted.
1137
00:45:54,286 --> 00:45:57,016
Okay, see, that might be
why you're such a mess now.
1138
00:45:57,123 --> 00:46:00,115
Oh! How dare you.
1139
00:46:00,193 --> 00:46:01,956
Anyway, check this out.
1140
00:46:02,027 --> 00:46:03,289
Look, I went ahead
1141
00:46:03,362 --> 00:46:05,956
and got you
your precious root beer.
1142
00:46:06,032 --> 00:46:08,693
Ooh, I love it.
1143
00:46:18,077 --> 00:46:20,545
A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
1144
00:46:25,284 --> 00:46:28,914
"I am Iron Man."
1145
00:46:31,056 --> 00:46:33,719
I want to bang your mother.
1146
00:46:35,561 --> 00:46:37,530
I said I want...
1147
00:46:40,967 --> 00:46:42,594
Oh...
1148
00:46:42,668 --> 00:46:45,262
By the way, thanks, you guys.
1149
00:46:45,338 --> 00:46:47,737
For what?
1150
00:46:47,807 --> 00:46:49,001
Being nice to me.
1151
00:46:49,074 --> 00:46:51,907
Knocking off
the Stranger Danger thing.
1152
00:46:51,978 --> 00:46:54,913
Well, Dickie, you're
actually a pretty cool guy.
1153
00:46:54,981 --> 00:46:58,007
I mean,
very deep down inside you.
1154
00:46:58,117 --> 00:46:59,983
I mean, really deep.
1155
00:47:00,052 --> 00:47:02,452
So deep that some people
stop looking.
1156
00:47:02,521 --> 00:47:03,784
Deeper than a well.
1157
00:47:03,856 --> 00:47:05,050
Deeper than the ocean.
1158
00:47:05,125 --> 00:47:06,956
Deeper than the Marianas Trench.
1159
00:47:07,027 --> 00:47:08,289
Deeper than a volcano.
1160
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:09,588
Deeper than a...
1161
00:47:09,663 --> 00:47:12,632
All right, I got it...
it's deep.
1162
00:47:12,699 --> 00:47:14,963
Now, shh.
1163
00:47:15,034 --> 00:47:17,298
Sleepy time.
1164
00:47:17,369 --> 00:47:21,032
Little prude sleep.
1165
00:47:23,108 --> 00:47:25,634
Insane in the membrane
1166
00:47:25,711 --> 00:47:28,271
Insane, got no brain.
1167
00:47:39,226 --> 00:47:41,159
What time did you get in
last night?
1168
00:47:41,228 --> 00:47:43,992
Would you get off my back?
1169
00:47:44,063 --> 00:47:46,327
I was out with a
salesman all night.
1170
00:47:46,398 --> 00:47:47,592
They like to drink.
1171
00:47:49,235 --> 00:47:50,327
Morning.
1172
00:47:50,402 --> 00:47:51,664
Mommy, Daddy, bro, sis.
1173
00:47:51,737 --> 00:47:52,726
Good morning.
1174
00:47:52,806 --> 00:47:53,829
Morning, Dickie.
1175
00:47:53,907 --> 00:47:55,168
Hey, Pebbles, where's Bamm-Bamm?
1176
00:47:55,242 --> 00:47:57,835
Oh! Interesting.
1177
00:47:57,911 --> 00:48:00,641
Got a little champagne
brunch for my new family.
1178
00:48:00,713 --> 00:48:02,704
How about that?
Mimosa for me posse?
1179
00:48:04,384 --> 00:48:05,543
Champagne for my real friends,
1180
00:48:05,619 --> 00:48:07,177
and I'm a real pain
to my sham friends.
1181
00:48:07,253 --> 00:48:10,280
Dickie, I'd like you to stop by
the dealership today.
1182
00:48:10,356 --> 00:48:11,449
Oh, a little father-son thing?
1183
00:48:11,523 --> 00:48:12,615
What do I say to that, Sam?
1184
00:48:12,692 --> 00:48:13,659
Give it a yea?
1185
00:48:13,726 --> 00:48:14,751
I wouldn't know.
1186
00:48:14,827 --> 00:48:16,351
He never asked me
to go to work with him.
1187
00:48:16,429 --> 00:48:18,590
All right, mark you
down as no help.
1188
00:48:18,664 --> 00:48:20,155
Sally, over to you? Yea?
1189
00:48:20,233 --> 00:48:22,963
Yeah, a "yay" will cover it.
1190
00:48:23,068 --> 00:48:24,626
Yay!
1191
00:48:24,704 --> 00:48:26,967
So head up there
around, what, 12:00-ish?
1192
00:48:27,039 --> 00:48:28,132
All right. Heh-heh.
1193
00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:29,800
Hey, and you... push
me in a stroller.
1194
00:48:29,876 --> 00:48:31,434
I want to get a feel
for that thing.
1195
00:48:31,510 --> 00:48:33,273
What?
1196
00:48:33,346 --> 00:48:34,210
Ah-dah-dah.
1197
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:35,213
Daddy!
1198
00:48:35,282 --> 00:48:36,543
Mommy's balking.
1199
00:48:36,615 --> 00:48:38,481
She doesn't understand...
1200
00:48:38,550 --> 00:48:41,213
I'm up against the likes
of Mr. Sean Penn here.
1201
00:48:41,288 --> 00:48:43,222
Grace, let's try
and make this work.
1202
00:48:43,289 --> 00:48:44,985
Yes, let's try to make it work.
1203
00:48:45,057 --> 00:48:46,992
Thanks, Daddy.
Whoo!
1204
00:48:47,092 --> 00:48:49,617
Whoo, whoopie!
1205
00:48:49,695 --> 00:48:51,960
This feels a little odd.
1206
00:48:52,032 --> 00:48:53,829
Dude, I'm the one
in the stroller.
1207
00:48:53,900 --> 00:48:55,423
Did you just call me "dude"?
1208
00:48:55,501 --> 00:48:57,594
I mean, "Mommy!"
1209
00:48:57,670 --> 00:48:59,831
It's hard to get my head
around that word.
1210
00:48:59,905 --> 00:49:01,271
You know, my actual mother
1211
00:49:01,340 --> 00:49:03,434
wanted me to call her
by her first name.
1212
00:49:03,510 --> 00:49:05,204
And you're, like,
way too beautiful
1213
00:49:05,277 --> 00:49:06,369
to be a mom.
1214
00:49:06,445 --> 00:49:08,106
I mean, you obviously are
a mother, so...
1215
00:49:08,181 --> 00:49:11,775
I'm wrong, but maybe you're not
as beautiful as I think you are.
1216
00:49:11,851 --> 00:49:12,943
Wow, let me sift
1217
00:49:13,052 --> 00:49:15,282
through that to find
the nugget of compliment.
1218
00:49:15,355 --> 00:49:16,617
Sift away, sifty.
1219
00:49:16,690 --> 00:49:18,351
You realize, don't you,
that this whole idea
1220
00:49:18,425 --> 00:49:19,550
is without a doubt
1221
00:49:19,626 --> 00:49:22,322
the most ridiculous endeavor
ever attempted.
1222
00:49:22,394 --> 00:49:23,657
Oh, Grace?
1223
00:49:23,730 --> 00:49:24,958
Hi-hi, Mrs. Gertrude.
1224
00:49:25,030 --> 00:49:26,896
You know, your tree
is dropping leaves
1225
00:49:26,967 --> 00:49:28,059
on our property again.
1226
00:49:28,134 --> 00:49:29,260
Oh, I'm really sorry.
1227
00:49:29,335 --> 00:49:30,393
It's just that I...
1228
00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:31,800
It's getting to be a nuisance,
1229
00:49:31,871 --> 00:49:33,599
and we're trying
to be good neighbors,
1230
00:49:33,672 --> 00:49:34,934
but you're really
making it hard.
1231
00:49:36,009 --> 00:49:38,476
Oh, who do we have here?
1232
00:49:38,545 --> 00:49:40,307
Aren't you a little
big for a stroller?
1233
00:49:41,547 --> 00:49:42,981
Aren't you a little big
for a sidewalk?
1234
00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:46,711
I mean, good God,
hide the wicker furniture.
1235
00:49:46,786 --> 00:49:48,583
Whoo! This ass means business.
1236
00:49:48,655 --> 00:49:50,282
Folks, this is not a drill.
1237
00:49:50,356 --> 00:49:51,983
China, I'm sorry
about the tremors,
1238
00:49:52,057 --> 00:49:53,490
but this lady needs her mail.
1239
00:49:53,559 --> 00:49:54,492
What, cat got your tongue,
1240
00:49:54,561 --> 00:49:55,652
or do you eat that
for breakfast, too?
1241
00:49:57,896 --> 00:50:02,163
And you keep your filthy dog
Popeye out of our yard, too,
1242
00:50:02,235 --> 00:50:04,168
you horrid neighbor!
1243
00:50:04,237 --> 00:50:06,329
Ca-coon, ca-coon, ca-coon.
1244
00:50:07,740 --> 00:50:09,003
Dickie, you were
very rude to her.
1245
00:50:09,074 --> 00:50:10,632
Well, and she was
straight-up with you?
1246
00:50:10,710 --> 00:50:11,802
Come on, Grace,
1247
00:50:11,878 --> 00:50:13,606
you got to learn to
stand up for yourself.
1248
00:50:13,679 --> 00:50:15,579
But to be honest,
1249
00:50:15,648 --> 00:50:17,114
I kind of liked standing
up for you just then.
1250
00:50:17,182 --> 00:50:18,114
Well, it...
1251
00:50:18,184 --> 00:50:21,675
I will say,
in a way, it was nice.
1252
00:50:21,755 --> 00:50:23,016
I'm not used to it.
1253
00:50:23,155 --> 00:50:25,920
Hey! You're that guy
from the TV show.
1254
00:50:27,559 --> 00:50:28,856
The washed-up actor freak.
1255
00:50:28,927 --> 00:50:29,860
Can I get a picture?
1256
00:50:29,929 --> 00:50:31,190
You know what?
1257
00:50:31,264 --> 00:50:32,992
You put it that way,
you sure can.
1258
00:50:33,065 --> 00:50:33,998
Look at this.
1259
00:50:34,067 --> 00:50:35,090
Smile.
1260
00:50:36,369 --> 00:50:37,358
Zoom. Nice.
1261
00:50:37,436 --> 00:50:39,268
Ah. There you go, Cap'n.
1262
00:50:39,338 --> 00:50:41,204
Memories are forever.
1263
00:50:41,273 --> 00:50:42,865
Hey, make doubles.
1264
00:50:42,942 --> 00:50:44,034
Unbelievable.
1265
00:50:44,110 --> 00:50:45,371
No, look, I'm sorry, all right?
1266
00:50:45,445 --> 00:50:47,378
Look, I'm new at this, too.
1267
00:50:47,447 --> 00:50:48,539
I need your help.
1268
00:50:48,614 --> 00:50:49,639
Well, I'll tell you
this much...
1269
00:50:49,715 --> 00:50:51,411
you're going to have
to disguise yourself somehow.
1270
00:50:51,483 --> 00:50:53,041
Wait, wait, wait,
what do you mean?
1271
00:50:53,186 --> 00:50:54,050
Like, dye your hair.
1272
00:50:54,186 --> 00:50:55,778
Anything, so people
don't recognize you
1273
00:50:55,855 --> 00:50:57,822
and make you forget
you're trying to be a kid.
1274
00:50:57,891 --> 00:50:59,050
That's a great idea.
1275
00:50:59,192 --> 00:51:01,989
Oh, not only is she sexy,
she's a smart mommy!
1276
00:51:02,128 --> 00:51:05,824
Why did that compliment
almost make me puke?
1277
00:51:05,898 --> 00:51:07,695
What'd I say?
1278
00:51:08,902 --> 00:51:10,494
That was nice.
1279
00:51:10,570 --> 00:51:13,164
So, this Indian's sitting
by the side of the road.
1280
00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:14,831
He's selling clay pots.
1281
00:51:14,907 --> 00:51:16,670
Now a tourist is
looking 'em over.
1282
00:51:16,742 --> 00:51:18,108
He says, "Hey,
1283
00:51:18,177 --> 00:51:20,009
"you're selling this pot
for five dollars.
1284
00:51:20,112 --> 00:51:22,603
You got the same exact pot
over there for ten dollars."
1285
00:51:22,681 --> 00:51:24,809
And the Indian says,
1286
00:51:24,884 --> 00:51:28,012
"Some people like to spend
five dollars;
1287
00:51:28,121 --> 00:51:30,351
other people like to spend
ten dollars."
1288
00:51:31,590 --> 00:51:33,855
Ah, I got a better joke.
1289
00:51:33,927 --> 00:51:35,554
Two gay monkeys
go to Istanbul...
1290
00:51:35,628 --> 00:51:36,719
Dickie, it's not a joke,
1291
00:51:36,795 --> 00:51:38,661
it's a philosophy of life:
money.
1292
00:51:38,731 --> 00:51:39,663
Oh...
1293
00:51:39,731 --> 00:51:41,028
Making money... isn't money
1294
00:51:41,134 --> 00:51:43,295
what your little comeback thing
is all about?
1295
00:51:43,369 --> 00:51:44,460
Actually, no, it's...
1296
00:51:44,536 --> 00:51:46,835
I'll be honest with you, Dickie.
1297
00:51:46,905 --> 00:51:49,032
I've been married for 14 years
to the same woman,
1298
00:51:49,108 --> 00:51:50,302
and we got a couple of kids.
1299
00:51:50,376 --> 00:51:51,467
They seem like nice kids.
1300
00:51:51,543 --> 00:51:53,842
I don't know, I don't spend
a lot of time with them.
1301
00:51:53,913 --> 00:51:56,710
I'm not really much
of a kid person.
1302
00:51:56,782 --> 00:51:59,342
Man, I'm on a treadmill, Dickie.
1303
00:51:59,418 --> 00:52:00,407
I look around,
1304
00:52:00,487 --> 00:52:03,650
I see everybody else
is having all the fun.
1305
00:52:03,722 --> 00:52:06,987
Just when I think
I can't take it anymore,
1306
00:52:07,059 --> 00:52:08,822
you fall into my lap.
1307
00:52:08,894 --> 00:52:10,920
You're my answer, Dickie.
1308
00:52:10,996 --> 00:52:13,329
You're the thing
that's gonna make me happy.
1309
00:52:16,068 --> 00:52:19,266
I'm not into dudes, if that's
what you're ramping up to.
1310
00:52:19,338 --> 00:52:21,670
Like, I don't.
I did. I don't anymore.
1311
00:52:21,740 --> 00:52:23,003
All I'm saying is,
1312
00:52:23,108 --> 00:52:26,840
you get what you want
out of my family...
1313
00:52:26,913 --> 00:52:29,143
let me get something out of you.
1314
00:52:29,248 --> 00:52:30,681
Star maps here.
1315
00:52:30,750 --> 00:52:32,684
Maps to the stars' homes.
1316
00:52:32,751 --> 00:52:34,686
God bless you, sir.
1317
00:52:34,753 --> 00:52:36,380
Thanks.
1318
00:52:38,257 --> 00:52:40,521
Hey, Rob Reiner's
not on this map.
1319
00:52:40,592 --> 00:52:43,494
God bless you, sir.
1320
00:52:46,766 --> 00:52:47,858
Ah...
1321
00:53:00,380 --> 00:53:02,472
Mm, hey.
1322
00:53:03,983 --> 00:53:05,472
Oh, what time is it?
1323
00:53:05,552 --> 00:53:07,918
3:20. Oh, I gotta go
meet the kids.
1324
00:53:10,722 --> 00:53:12,485
Look at little Sammy,
the sissy.
1325
00:53:12,559 --> 00:53:14,652
Come on, you guys,
just leave him alone.
1326
00:53:14,726 --> 00:53:15,818
Ah!
1327
00:53:15,894 --> 00:53:18,728
His wittle sister
has to stand up for him.
1328
00:53:18,797 --> 00:53:20,663
What a little wussy Sam is.
1329
00:53:20,733 --> 00:53:22,166
Why can't you just
leave me alone?
1330
00:53:22,235 --> 00:53:23,166
What'd I ever do to you?
1331
00:53:24,737 --> 00:53:28,228
Sammy, the sissy,
acting all prissy.
1332
00:53:28,307 --> 00:53:31,141
Sammy the sissy, acting
all prissy.
1333
00:53:31,210 --> 00:53:32,472
Sammy the sissy,
acting all prissy.
1334
00:53:32,545 --> 00:53:33,739
Guys, he's minding
his own business.
1335
00:53:33,813 --> 00:53:34,710
Sammy, the...
1336
00:53:34,780 --> 00:53:36,976
- Why don't you?
- Sam, Sally, what's up?
1337
00:53:37,050 --> 00:53:38,914
Dickie, is that you?
1338
00:53:38,985 --> 00:53:40,543
Holy crap on toast!
1339
00:53:40,619 --> 00:53:41,813
Look at this freak!
1340
00:53:41,887 --> 00:53:45,186
Figures he'd be
with Sam Finney, huh, Sammy?
1341
00:53:45,257 --> 00:53:46,519
Let's get out of here.
1342
00:53:46,592 --> 00:53:48,184
Leave him alone, you creeps!
1343
00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,454
What did you call us,
you little bitch?
1344
00:53:49,528 --> 00:53:51,759
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just
said the wrong thing
1345
00:53:51,831 --> 00:53:52,956
to the wrong little girl, Cap'n.
1346
00:53:53,032 --> 00:53:54,498
What does she weigh, 20?
1347
00:53:54,567 --> 00:53:56,329
What do you weigh, 2,000?
1348
00:53:56,402 --> 00:53:58,199
You want to pick on her?
Why not pick on me?
1349
00:53:58,271 --> 00:54:00,364
You bastards want to go
toe-to-toe with me?
1350
00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:02,271
I'll go Water Wiggle
on your ass.
1351
00:54:02,342 --> 00:54:03,103
Huh?
1352
00:54:03,175 --> 00:54:04,403
"Huh? Wha?
1353
00:54:04,476 --> 00:54:06,637
I don't understand words.
I'm a dumb-dumb."
1354
00:54:06,713 --> 00:54:09,443
Is that red hair, or did someone
light a fart off your mouth?
1355
00:54:09,514 --> 00:54:10,777
- Hey!
- Hey?
1356
00:54:10,849 --> 00:54:11,873
Don't you mean oink?
1357
00:54:11,951 --> 00:54:13,748
Little Piggy, shouldn't you
run off to the market?
1358
00:54:14,887 --> 00:54:15,818
Oink, oink.
1359
00:54:15,887 --> 00:54:16,820
That was crazy.
1360
00:54:16,889 --> 00:54:19,516
Now the crowd's
turning on you, and that sucks.
1361
00:54:19,592 --> 00:54:21,492
Tell you what.
Listen.
1362
00:54:21,561 --> 00:54:23,552
Red, tub o' goo,
freak of nature,
1363
00:54:23,630 --> 00:54:26,326
why don't you guys run home,
pee your pants,
1364
00:54:26,398 --> 00:54:27,331
cry your eyes out,
1365
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,367
spank each other's
chubby, little butts,
1366
00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:31,130
get up, have an Eggo,
1367
00:54:31,204 --> 00:54:33,001
run back here, and
we'll do it all again?
1368
00:54:33,106 --> 00:54:34,539
'Cause I like working out
1369
00:54:34,606 --> 00:54:35,539
on you puke-stained,
little punching bags.
1370
00:54:35,608 --> 00:54:36,938
A-choo!
1371
00:54:37,010 --> 00:54:38,534
Now beat it.
1372
00:54:38,610 --> 00:54:39,599
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1373
00:54:39,679 --> 00:54:41,476
- Get out of my way!
- Sam Finney's
1374
00:54:41,547 --> 00:54:43,242
way cooler than any of you
will ever be.
1375
00:54:43,315 --> 00:54:44,873
What a joke.
1376
00:54:44,951 --> 00:54:47,385
Oh, yeah!
1377
00:54:47,452 --> 00:54:49,682
Mom, you should have seen
Dickie back there.
1378
00:54:49,755 --> 00:54:50,688
It was awesome!
1379
00:54:50,757 --> 00:54:51,882
He totally nailed these kids.
1380
00:54:51,958 --> 00:54:53,686
It was a verbal beating,
a carpet bombing.
1381
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:54,692
Actually, Dickie,
1382
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:56,422
I can't believe what
you did to your hair.
1383
00:54:56,496 --> 00:54:57,427
What? Oh...
1384
00:54:58,498 --> 00:54:59,657
No wonder
everyone was staring at me.
1385
00:54:59,731 --> 00:55:01,063
What a weirdo.
1386
00:55:01,134 --> 00:55:03,260
Dickie, it was great
how you tore into those guys.
1387
00:55:03,335 --> 00:55:05,235
I'm not impressed
that Dickie insulted
1388
00:55:05,304 --> 00:55:06,567
a bunch of your friends.
1389
00:55:06,639 --> 00:55:07,764
Well, they're
not really friends.
1390
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:09,137
Yeah, you should have seen
these guys.
1391
00:55:09,208 --> 00:55:10,697
I mean, I hope
they never come back.
1392
00:55:10,777 --> 00:55:11,766
They're losers.
1393
00:55:11,844 --> 00:55:13,367
Just-just, Mom, relax.
1394
00:55:14,646 --> 00:55:15,909
Relax?
1395
00:55:15,981 --> 00:55:17,244
Wrong attitude with a mom,
buddy.
1396
00:55:17,317 --> 00:55:18,409
You got to keep it light,
1397
00:55:18,483 --> 00:55:19,974
- And, you know, deferential.
- Oh!
1398
00:55:20,085 --> 00:55:21,313
Look, you guys, before pizza,
1399
00:55:21,387 --> 00:55:22,945
I've got to swing by
this interview.
1400
00:55:23,021 --> 00:55:24,215
It'll just take a few minutes.
1401
00:55:24,289 --> 00:55:25,847
They just want to meet
the voice from the phone.
1402
00:55:25,925 --> 00:55:27,688
You got an interview?
For what?
1403
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:28,885
An interior design job.
1404
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:31,224
They looked at my drawings,
and they liked them.
1405
00:55:31,297 --> 00:55:32,228
Mom, that's great!
1406
00:55:32,297 --> 00:55:33,230
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
1407
00:55:33,298 --> 00:55:35,096
That is some cool shizzit.
1408
00:55:35,168 --> 00:55:36,601
What did you just say?
1409
00:55:36,668 --> 00:55:37,829
Shizzit.
1410
00:55:37,903 --> 00:55:39,132
It's a Dickie word.
1411
00:55:39,204 --> 00:55:41,172
Dickie, after my interview,
1412
00:55:41,239 --> 00:55:43,367
you and I are going to have
a serious talk.
1413
00:55:43,443 --> 00:55:46,240
Mom, I...
Dickie will be fine.
1414
00:55:46,311 --> 00:55:48,143
Yeah, he may have
a few rough edges,
1415
00:55:48,213 --> 00:55:49,909
but we'll file 'em down for him.
1416
00:55:49,981 --> 00:55:52,177
Ah, see, Mommy?
It's all gonna work out.
1417
00:55:52,251 --> 00:55:53,342
Oh, boy.
1418
00:55:53,418 --> 00:55:54,646
I don't know this
part of town at all.
1419
00:55:54,721 --> 00:55:56,688
My first interview,
and I'm going to blow it
1420
00:55:56,755 --> 00:55:58,188
because I can't find the house.
1421
00:55:58,257 --> 00:55:59,985
Turn it, turn it!
1422
00:56:00,059 --> 00:56:01,423
Oh, no, do you believe this?
1423
00:56:01,494 --> 00:56:02,791
God, I'm really
going to be late.
1424
00:56:02,862 --> 00:56:04,385
You know what?
Dickie to the rescue.
1425
00:56:04,463 --> 00:56:05,521
I've got an idea.
1426
00:56:05,597 --> 00:56:06,963
Let me see that address.
1427
00:56:10,702 --> 00:56:11,965
9-1-1, what's your emergency?
1428
00:56:12,038 --> 00:56:13,733
Oh, my God, there's a fire
1429
00:56:13,806 --> 00:56:16,797
at the McHenry house,
368 North Hobart Street!
1430
00:56:16,876 --> 00:56:18,137
Hurry!
1431
00:56:24,050 --> 00:56:25,483
Follow those fire trucks.
1432
00:56:25,550 --> 00:56:26,744
Come on, Mommy.
1433
00:56:26,818 --> 00:56:29,219
Unbelievable.
1434
00:56:32,592 --> 00:56:34,115
You think a false alarm
is funny?
1435
00:56:34,193 --> 00:56:35,592
You think it's okay
to phone in a fire?!
1436
00:56:35,661 --> 00:56:36,592
Well, it's called
1437
00:56:36,661 --> 00:56:38,094
being aggressive towards
your career, you know?
1438
00:56:38,164 --> 00:56:39,425
You want something,
you gotta work at it.
1439
00:56:39,498 --> 00:56:40,590
That's day-one stuff.
1440
00:56:40,666 --> 00:56:42,565
You know what, no matter
how much you want something,
1441
00:56:42,635 --> 00:56:43,896
you don't trample others
to get it,
1442
00:56:43,969 --> 00:56:45,869
and you certainly
don't break the law.
1443
00:56:45,938 --> 00:56:47,905
You've been nothing
but a disruptive influence,
1444
00:56:47,974 --> 00:56:48,963
ever since you got here.
1445
00:56:49,041 --> 00:56:50,769
Well, I'm learning,
and that's the point,
1446
00:56:50,842 --> 00:56:51,969
but don't kick me out.
1447
00:56:52,043 --> 00:56:56,173
I got nowhere else to go.
I got nowhere else to go!
1448
00:56:56,248 --> 00:56:57,840
Why does that sound familiar?
1449
00:56:57,916 --> 00:56:59,179
It's from An Officer
and a Gentleman.
1450
00:56:59,251 --> 00:57:00,275
That's what Richard Gere said.
1451
00:57:00,353 --> 00:57:01,445
See? I'm a good actor.
1452
00:57:01,521 --> 00:57:02,688
That's it! Out!
1453
00:57:02,755 --> 00:57:04,052
I want you out right now!
1454
00:57:04,123 --> 00:57:06,181
I don't care what arrangement
you have with my husband.
1455
00:57:06,259 --> 00:57:07,385
I won't tolerate
this anymore!
1456
00:57:07,460 --> 00:57:08,391
No, come on.
1457
00:57:08,460 --> 00:57:09,621
- Dickie, no...!
- Please!
1458
00:57:09,695 --> 00:57:11,628
- No! Oh!
- Listen...
1459
00:57:15,201 --> 00:57:16,293
Oh, no!
1460
00:57:16,369 --> 00:57:18,632
Dickie! Ah!
1461
00:57:33,952 --> 00:57:36,478
- Go! Go! Go, now! I mean it!
- Hey, ow!
1462
00:57:36,556 --> 00:57:39,150
You don't understand,
I know I'm screwed up.
1463
00:57:39,224 --> 00:57:40,385
I have no center.
1464
00:57:40,460 --> 00:57:41,858
I'm completely lost.
1465
00:57:41,927 --> 00:57:44,760
Look at me, I'm a massive
failure as a human being.
1466
00:57:44,831 --> 00:57:46,422
I wear gloves 24 hours a day.
1467
00:57:46,498 --> 00:57:49,467
Why? Because I'm afraid
to physically touch anything
1468
00:57:49,534 --> 00:57:50,797
or anyone.
1469
00:57:50,869 --> 00:57:53,304
I don't want people
to look in my eyes
1470
00:57:53,371 --> 00:57:55,840
'cause they'll realize
there's nothing there.
1471
00:57:55,907 --> 00:57:58,432
I'm a complete and total mess.
1472
00:57:58,510 --> 00:58:00,445
Grace, do you think
you could take
1473
00:58:00,512 --> 00:58:02,572
your little dysfunctional
family fight inside?
1474
00:58:02,648 --> 00:58:04,512
We don't need to see
your dirty laundry.
1475
00:58:04,583 --> 00:58:06,050
Mrs. Gertrude, please, okay?
1476
00:58:06,117 --> 00:58:07,550
Just blow it out your ass!
1477
00:58:07,619 --> 00:58:09,746
This is between me
and my family.
1478
00:58:11,090 --> 00:58:12,181
Well!
1479
00:58:12,257 --> 00:58:13,657
- Mom, that was awesome!
- Mom, that was awesome!
1480
00:58:13,726 --> 00:58:15,956
Wait a second.
1481
00:58:16,027 --> 00:58:17,791
Why did you say that?
1482
00:58:17,864 --> 00:58:20,423
Is that because I told you
to stand up for yourself?
1483
00:58:20,500 --> 00:58:22,297
It is.
See, Grace?
1484
00:58:22,367 --> 00:58:23,800
I-I'm not totally useless.
1485
00:58:23,869 --> 00:58:25,632
Dickie, this whole thing
is just crazy.
1486
00:58:25,704 --> 00:58:27,501
I mean, you can't just
observe a family
1487
00:58:27,572 --> 00:58:28,505
and learn how to be.
1488
00:58:28,574 --> 00:58:30,701
You know, it's not like
monkey-see, monkey-do.
1489
00:58:30,775 --> 00:58:31,673
It's more than that.
1490
00:58:31,744 --> 00:58:34,713
You don't understand.
I'm desperate.
1491
00:58:34,780 --> 00:58:37,077
If I become a star again,
everyone will come back.
1492
00:58:37,148 --> 00:58:38,980
My mom will come home,
just like before.
1493
00:58:39,085 --> 00:58:41,349
Dickie, it's not supposed
to work that way.
1494
00:58:41,420 --> 00:58:45,378
I know, but can I hope
for anything different?
1495
00:58:49,561 --> 00:58:51,188
Grace, please.
1496
00:58:53,465 --> 00:58:54,432
I need this part.
1497
00:58:54,500 --> 00:58:55,489
I need it so bad,
1498
00:58:55,568 --> 00:58:58,161
that I don't know
if I can go on without it.
1499
00:58:58,237 --> 00:59:00,568
Hey, Mom?
1500
00:59:00,639 --> 00:59:03,938
Maybe we could give Dickie
just one last chance?
1501
00:59:04,043 --> 00:59:05,601
Yeah, Mom.
1502
00:59:05,677 --> 00:59:07,474
He could do better.
1503
00:59:07,547 --> 00:59:09,139
I mean, if we help.
1504
00:59:12,018 --> 00:59:13,610
What's Popeye got in his mouth?
1505
00:59:13,686 --> 00:59:15,380
My gosh, it's a dead rabbit.
1506
00:59:15,454 --> 00:59:16,385
Oh, my God.
1507
00:59:16,454 --> 00:59:17,887
It's the Gertrudes' pet rabbit.
1508
00:59:17,956 --> 00:59:19,891
Popeye killed their pet rabbit.
1509
00:59:19,958 --> 00:59:21,949
Popeye bad dog!
1510
00:59:22,027 --> 00:59:23,119
What are we going to do?
1511
00:59:23,195 --> 00:59:24,320
Oh, God. Oh, God.
1512
00:59:24,396 --> 00:59:25,329
Popeye must have gotten
1513
00:59:25,398 --> 00:59:26,592
into the backyard cage
and killed him.
1514
00:59:26,666 --> 00:59:28,099
God, they're already
mad at us.
1515
00:59:28,166 --> 00:59:29,827
Now we're in all kinds
of trouble.
1516
00:59:29,902 --> 00:59:31,630
Wait a second.
1517
00:59:31,704 --> 00:59:33,068
We can fix this.
1518
00:59:33,139 --> 00:59:34,538
Rub-a-dub-dub,
bunny in the tub.
1519
00:59:34,606 --> 00:59:36,074
Do you think
we should shampoo it?
1520
00:59:36,141 --> 00:59:38,702
Do you have any "Gee, Your Dead
Rabbit Smells Terrific"?
1521
00:59:38,777 --> 00:59:39,903
Oh.
1522
00:59:39,978 --> 00:59:41,139
No, but I have V05.
1523
00:59:41,213 --> 00:59:43,646
We'll put in
some leave-in conditioner
1524
00:59:43,715 --> 00:59:44,648
and a protein pack.
1525
00:59:44,717 --> 00:59:46,150
This thing will look
good as new
1526
00:59:46,217 --> 00:59:47,844
except for the being dead part.
1527
00:59:47,920 --> 00:59:48,887
Stop it.
1528
00:59:48,954 --> 00:59:50,353
I think we better start
to blow-dry it soon.
1529
00:59:50,422 --> 00:59:51,548
Then I'm going
to go get a brush.
1530
00:59:51,623 --> 00:59:52,556
Hurry.
1531
00:59:52,625 --> 00:59:53,556
Okay, tell you what.
1532
00:59:53,626 --> 00:59:54,684
I'll put it back in the cage
1533
00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:57,228
all clean and when
the Gertrudes come home,
1534
00:59:57,295 --> 00:59:58,786
they open the cage
1535
00:59:58,864 --> 01:00:01,628
and they think it dies
of natural causes.
1536
01:00:01,701 --> 01:00:02,998
It's the perfect plan.
1537
01:00:03,135 --> 01:00:06,297
You guys, the Gertrudes...
I think they're coming home.
1538
01:00:06,371 --> 01:00:07,634
All right, let's go.
Okay, okay, dry it.
1539
01:00:07,706 --> 01:00:08,639
Here, here.
1540
01:00:08,708 --> 01:00:09,639
Here we go.
1541
01:00:09,708 --> 01:00:10,800
Dry it, dry it, dry it.
1542
01:00:28,994 --> 01:00:31,429
Okay, it's back in the cage.
1543
01:00:31,496 --> 01:00:33,021
We're totally off the hook.
1544
01:00:33,132 --> 01:00:35,190
Hey, what's in the cage?
1545
01:00:35,266 --> 01:00:36,255
It's Peter! Oh, no!
1546
01:00:36,335 --> 01:00:38,030
Devil rabbit.
1547
01:00:38,137 --> 01:00:39,661
Devil rabbit, devil rabbit!
1548
01:00:39,739 --> 01:00:42,673
Mr. And Mrs. Gertrude,
what's wrong?
1549
01:00:42,742 --> 01:00:43,902
Our pet bunny died two days ago.
1550
01:00:43,976 --> 01:00:45,135
We buried it over there.
1551
01:00:45,210 --> 01:00:47,235
And now he's back in the cage!
1552
01:00:47,313 --> 01:00:49,041
Oh, Satan taunts us!
1553
01:00:49,148 --> 01:00:50,045
Oh, devil rabbit!
1554
01:00:50,181 --> 01:00:52,047
That is a sign from hell!
1555
01:00:52,150 --> 01:00:53,846
It means move out of that house.
1556
01:00:53,918 --> 01:00:55,351
Move!
1557
01:00:55,420 --> 01:00:56,648
Spirits of rabbits.
1558
01:00:56,722 --> 01:00:58,313
Devil rabbit!
Devil rabbit!
1559
01:00:58,391 --> 01:01:00,324
Woo! Get out!
1560
01:01:03,996 --> 01:01:05,690
There they go.
They're moving out.
1561
01:01:05,764 --> 01:01:07,630
Devil rabbit!
1562
01:01:07,699 --> 01:01:09,132
Devil rabbit.
1563
01:01:14,639 --> 01:01:16,197
That was fun.
1564
01:01:16,275 --> 01:01:18,606
So, can I stay?
1565
01:01:25,251 --> 01:01:27,811
So those three bullies
don't bug you anymore?
1566
01:01:27,887 --> 01:01:29,353
I knew it, they're morons.
1567
01:01:30,422 --> 01:01:31,822
Hey, what do you call
this hairstyle again?
1568
01:01:31,891 --> 01:01:32,822
The Tiger-Do.
1569
01:01:32,891 --> 01:01:34,826
Looks cool, right, Sam?
1570
01:01:34,893 --> 01:01:35,655
Yeah, man.
1571
01:01:35,728 --> 01:01:36,853
Bitchin' cool style, man.
1572
01:01:36,929 --> 01:01:37,860
I love it.
1573
01:01:37,929 --> 01:01:39,192
What's this one,
the porcupine? Oh, oh.
1574
01:01:40,266 --> 01:01:41,664
So, what do you want
to do today, Dickie?
1575
01:01:41,733 --> 01:01:44,032
First up, teach me
how to ride a bike.
1576
01:01:44,103 --> 01:01:45,034
Yeah!
1577
01:01:45,137 --> 01:01:47,605
I'm pedaling.
I think I got it.
1578
01:01:47,672 --> 01:01:48,697
Let him go.
1579
01:01:48,773 --> 01:01:51,038
Go. Go. Go. Go.
1580
01:01:51,110 --> 01:01:52,134
Go for it!
1581
01:01:52,210 --> 01:01:53,472
I'm doing it.
1582
01:01:56,047 --> 01:01:57,173
Dickie, are you okay?
1583
01:01:57,248 --> 01:01:59,012
Ow!
1584
01:01:59,085 --> 01:02:00,882
Who put that truck there?
1585
01:02:00,952 --> 01:02:01,976
Are you all right?
1586
01:02:02,088 --> 01:02:03,349
Oh, wow.
1587
01:02:03,422 --> 01:02:06,755
Oh. I'm seeing birds and bells
and beautiful girls.
1588
01:02:06,826 --> 01:02:09,226
Sam, front and center
on the double.
1589
01:02:09,295 --> 01:02:11,092
We're just moving in
to this house.
1590
01:02:11,163 --> 01:02:12,652
Oh, well, we got a new neighbor.
1591
01:02:12,731 --> 01:02:14,199
What do you think of that, Sam?
1592
01:02:15,934 --> 01:02:17,994
Sam, you want to say hello
to the new neighbor?
1593
01:02:18,137 --> 01:02:20,001
Hello.
1594
01:02:20,106 --> 01:02:21,869
Hi.
1595
01:02:21,940 --> 01:02:23,373
He had you at hello, didn't he?
1596
01:02:23,442 --> 01:02:25,239
Listen, these guys
are teaching me
1597
01:02:25,311 --> 01:02:27,005
how to ride a bike.
You want to come with?
1598
01:02:27,079 --> 01:02:28,103
- Sure.
- All right, let's go.
1599
01:02:28,179 --> 01:02:29,875
Yeah!
1600
01:02:29,949 --> 01:02:31,677
Whoa!
1601
01:02:33,719 --> 01:02:34,844
Ow.
1602
01:02:51,637 --> 01:02:52,797
Oh-oh.
1603
01:02:52,871 --> 01:02:53,998
Whoa.
1604
01:02:54,072 --> 01:02:56,132
Did you ever have such a bad
wipe-out you don't even feel it?
1605
01:02:57,275 --> 01:02:58,800
That wasn't one of them.
1606
01:03:02,380 --> 01:03:03,347
Here you go, guys.
1607
01:03:03,414 --> 01:03:04,347
Thanks, Mrs. Finney.
1608
01:03:04,416 --> 01:03:05,347
Thanks a lot.
1609
01:03:05,416 --> 01:03:06,884
You okay?
1610
01:03:06,952 --> 01:03:08,282
I munched it out there.
1611
01:03:08,353 --> 01:03:09,342
You're all right.
1612
01:03:09,420 --> 01:03:10,911
So you're really
going to help me?
1613
01:03:10,989 --> 01:03:12,617
Yes, of course
I'm going to help you.
1614
01:03:12,690 --> 01:03:15,922
If someone doesn't step in soon,
you might kill yourself.
1615
01:03:15,994 --> 01:03:16,927
Look, Dickie, you've
1616
01:03:16,996 --> 01:03:18,554
been going about
this thing all wrong.
1617
01:03:18,630 --> 01:03:20,655
You know, there's no rhyme
or reason to your plan.
1618
01:03:20,733 --> 01:03:22,791
You're like a chicken running
around with its head cut off.
1619
01:03:22,867 --> 01:03:23,994
I am.
1620
01:03:24,103 --> 01:03:26,094
A chicken with his head chopped
off, that's a good analogy.
1621
01:03:26,172 --> 01:03:27,264
Stop it.
1622
01:03:27,338 --> 01:03:28,271
Okay,
1623
01:03:28,340 --> 01:03:29,431
but if you want my help,
1624
01:03:29,507 --> 01:03:31,304
you play by my rules
and my rules only.
1625
01:03:31,376 --> 01:03:33,277
Okay?
So first, the gloves.
1626
01:03:33,344 --> 01:03:34,972
Off they go.
1627
01:03:35,047 --> 01:03:36,309
Wait a minute.
1628
01:03:36,382 --> 01:03:37,440
Dickie, for this to work,
1629
01:03:37,516 --> 01:03:39,313
we've got to almost reboot you,
like a human computer.
1630
01:03:39,385 --> 01:03:41,284
Not the gloves,
anything but the gloves.
1631
01:03:41,353 --> 01:03:42,284
Okay, well.
1632
01:03:42,353 --> 01:03:43,514
Okay, okay.
1633
01:03:44,923 --> 01:03:45,981
But I just want you to know
1634
01:03:46,057 --> 01:03:47,855
that this is like me asking you
to take your top off.
1635
01:03:47,927 --> 01:03:49,360
Which is crazy, right?
1636
01:03:49,427 --> 01:03:50,793
Dickie.
1637
01:03:50,862 --> 01:03:52,262
Right.
1638
01:03:57,235 --> 01:03:58,793
Oh, air... Ow.
1639
01:04:01,072 --> 01:04:02,505
I don't like it.
1640
01:04:02,574 --> 01:04:03,940
Happy?
1641
01:04:04,009 --> 01:04:05,306
Yes. See?
1642
01:04:05,376 --> 01:04:06,809
Grace?
1643
01:04:06,878 --> 01:04:08,972
There are men in stilts
plastering in there.
1644
01:04:09,081 --> 01:04:11,208
Is this part
of your interior design thing?
1645
01:04:11,282 --> 01:04:13,273
No, George, it was damaged
from the water bed accident.
1646
01:04:14,820 --> 01:04:16,684
Dickie what the hell
did you do to your hair?
1647
01:04:16,755 --> 01:04:19,382
Oh. I dyed it.
1648
01:04:19,458 --> 01:04:20,789
It no come out so good.
1649
01:04:20,860 --> 01:04:21,849
Look, it was my idea, okay?
1650
01:04:21,927 --> 01:04:22,985
People were recognizing him
1651
01:04:23,061 --> 01:04:24,858
and he was being distracted
from his project.
1652
01:04:24,929 --> 01:04:27,193
He was going to do a commercial
for me, Grace.
1653
01:04:27,266 --> 01:04:29,826
George, he's already paying you
a lot of money
1654
01:04:29,902 --> 01:04:31,199
to be here,
isn't that enough?
1655
01:04:31,269 --> 01:04:33,295
I had a lot of plans for him.
1656
01:04:33,371 --> 01:04:34,532
He's a human being, okay?
1657
01:04:34,606 --> 01:04:36,632
He's not just some product
for you to use.
1658
01:04:36,708 --> 01:04:38,266
All right.
1659
01:04:38,344 --> 01:04:42,371
Wow, I feel like you have
completely undermined me here.
1660
01:04:42,447 --> 01:04:44,574
I'm going out.
1661
01:04:48,721 --> 01:04:50,483
Oh, boy.
1662
01:04:56,829 --> 01:04:58,387
What?
1663
01:04:58,463 --> 01:05:01,193
That was, like, the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
1664
01:05:01,266 --> 01:05:03,257
What is?
1665
01:05:03,335 --> 01:05:04,893
That I'm not some product.
1666
01:05:04,969 --> 01:05:08,097
Wow.
1667
01:05:08,172 --> 01:05:11,403
Then, as Hallmark cards go,
you'd be easy to please.
1668
01:05:15,481 --> 01:05:19,416
Listen, I... I'm sorry
George is mad at you.
1669
01:05:19,485 --> 01:05:20,509
Is that because of me?
1670
01:05:20,585 --> 01:05:21,985
No, but that's good.
1671
01:05:22,054 --> 01:05:24,954
You're starting to think
like a real kid.
1672
01:05:25,023 --> 01:05:27,891
Kids always think it's their
fault when parents split up.
1673
01:05:27,960 --> 01:05:31,157
Is that what's going to
happen to you and George?
1674
01:05:38,704 --> 01:05:40,603
I don't know.
1675
01:05:42,373 --> 01:05:44,637
You know, I do
everything I can think of
1676
01:05:44,710 --> 01:05:46,643
to keep it together
for the kids.
1677
01:05:47,612 --> 01:05:49,672
I'm a mom first, but...
1678
01:05:49,748 --> 01:05:53,012
George makes me feel so guilty
for even wanting a career,
1679
01:05:53,085 --> 01:05:55,451
you know, like it makes me
less of a mom.
1680
01:05:55,521 --> 01:05:58,512
Well, I got news for you.
1681
01:05:58,590 --> 01:06:01,422
They don't even write TV
moms as good as you are.
1682
01:06:02,927 --> 01:06:04,896
Well now, we're even.
1683
01:06:04,963 --> 01:06:07,956
Because that's the nicest
compliment I've ever heard.
1684
01:06:12,570 --> 01:06:15,768
You know, we probably should
dye your hair back.
1685
01:06:15,840 --> 01:06:17,467
Yeah.
1686
01:06:17,543 --> 01:06:19,237
Well, since you're going
to be here a while,
1687
01:06:19,311 --> 01:06:21,074
I think I should read
this script.
1688
01:06:21,146 --> 01:06:23,137
See what it is
you want so badly.
1689
01:06:23,215 --> 01:06:24,681
Please do.
1690
01:06:24,750 --> 01:06:27,184
Maybe you can make
some sense of it.
1691
01:06:28,253 --> 01:06:29,344
No, no, no, no, no.
1692
01:06:30,789 --> 01:06:32,255
I don't know what to do.
1693
01:06:32,324 --> 01:06:33,847
No gloves.
1694
01:06:33,925 --> 01:06:36,291
Don't need 'em.
1695
01:06:37,563 --> 01:06:38,860
Dickie, you promised
to help me
1696
01:06:38,931 --> 01:06:39,989
with my pep squad tryouts.
1697
01:06:40,132 --> 01:06:41,155
Oh, I will.
1698
01:06:41,233 --> 01:06:42,893
That pep squad spot's
got your name all over it.
1699
01:06:42,967 --> 01:06:45,800
Did I ever tell you I was a
backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?
1700
01:06:45,871 --> 01:06:46,860
No way.
1701
01:06:46,938 --> 01:06:48,599
Oh, yeah, I owe him a call.
1702
01:06:58,217 --> 01:06:59,012
Boom.
1703
01:07:25,376 --> 01:07:26,934
We're right on time.
1704
01:07:27,012 --> 01:07:28,309
- Are you sure?
- Yep, yep.
1705
01:07:29,380 --> 01:07:30,608
All right.
Here we go.
1706
01:07:30,681 --> 01:07:32,081
You got the words down?
1707
01:07:32,150 --> 01:07:33,277
I think so, yeah.
1708
01:07:33,351 --> 01:07:34,751
I think you do, too.
1709
01:07:34,820 --> 01:07:35,878
I drew this up last night.
1710
01:07:35,954 --> 01:07:37,148
These are your dance steps.
1711
01:07:38,724 --> 01:07:41,351
Okay, girls, come on, let's go.
1712
01:07:41,427 --> 01:07:42,985
It's time to start.
1713
01:07:43,061 --> 01:07:46,259
Our first contestant
is Heather Bolan.
1714
01:07:46,331 --> 01:07:49,231
Hey, Stallions,
I got a message for you.
1715
01:07:49,300 --> 01:07:51,894
And it goes like this.
1716
01:07:53,639 --> 01:07:54,936
Oh
1717
01:07:56,474 --> 01:07:57,099
I, I
1718
01:07:57,175 --> 01:07:58,768
I
1719
01:08:03,215 --> 01:08:05,706
I wanna be bad with you, baby
1720
01:08:05,784 --> 01:08:06,842
I, I...
1721
01:08:06,918 --> 01:08:08,215
I, I
1722
01:08:08,286 --> 01:08:12,552
I wanna be bad with you, baby
1723
01:08:13,724 --> 01:08:14,782
Do you
1724
01:08:14,860 --> 01:08:17,488
Understand what I need from you?
1725
01:08:17,563 --> 01:08:20,930
Just let me be the girl
to show you, you
1726
01:08:20,998 --> 01:08:23,432
Everything that she can be
is everything that I can be
1727
01:08:23,502 --> 01:08:24,594
I wanna be
1728
01:08:24,670 --> 01:08:25,728
My turn
1729
01:08:25,804 --> 01:08:28,398
Let me let you know that I can
1730
01:08:28,474 --> 01:08:30,135
Promise that I won't do that
1731
01:08:30,208 --> 01:08:33,975
So, boy, I-I wanna be bad
1732
01:08:34,046 --> 01:08:36,070
You make bad feel so good
1733
01:08:36,148 --> 01:08:38,707
I'm losing all my cool
1734
01:08:38,783 --> 01:08:41,877
I'm about to break the rules
1735
01:08:41,953 --> 01:08:44,649
I, I wanna be bad.
1736
01:08:45,990 --> 01:08:46,957
Thank you.
1737
01:08:51,963 --> 01:08:53,328
Slut.
1738
01:08:55,033 --> 01:08:57,934
Our next contestant,
Sally Finney.
1739
01:08:59,371 --> 01:09:01,463
Have fun.
Just have fun, okay?
1740
01:09:01,539 --> 01:09:02,597
You're good.
You know it.
1741
01:09:19,224 --> 01:09:20,953
It is the night
1742
01:09:21,092 --> 01:09:22,287
My body's weak
1743
01:09:23,162 --> 01:09:24,958
I'm on the run
1744
01:09:25,096 --> 01:09:26,154
No time to sleep
1745
01:09:26,230 --> 01:09:29,097
I've got to ride
1746
01:09:29,167 --> 01:09:31,193
Ride like the wind
1747
01:09:31,270 --> 01:09:32,532
To be free again
1748
01:09:35,439 --> 01:09:37,670
And I've got
such a long way to go
1749
01:09:37,743 --> 01:09:39,711
Such a long way to go
1750
01:09:39,778 --> 01:09:42,712
To make it to the border
of Mexico
1751
01:09:42,780 --> 01:09:44,372
So I'll ride
1752
01:09:44,448 --> 01:09:46,439
Like the wind
1753
01:09:46,518 --> 01:09:47,677
Ride like the wind
1754
01:09:49,887 --> 01:09:51,047
Gonna ride like the wind.
1755
01:10:08,606 --> 01:10:10,369
Oh, that was great!
1756
01:10:15,213 --> 01:10:16,908
Yeah!
1757
01:10:16,981 --> 01:10:18,346
That was perfect.
1758
01:10:18,417 --> 01:10:19,815
Sally, I'm so proud of you.
1759
01:10:19,885 --> 01:10:20,851
Yippee!
1760
01:10:26,190 --> 01:10:28,454
Oh, good morning, everybody.
1761
01:10:28,527 --> 01:10:29,926
Ooh, I had a rough night.
1762
01:10:29,994 --> 01:10:31,019
First time I tried
1763
01:10:31,095 --> 01:10:33,587
sleeping without my gloves on
in ten years.
1764
01:10:33,664 --> 01:10:35,394
Insane in the membrane.
1765
01:10:35,466 --> 01:10:36,865
Hey, Dickie, okay.
1766
01:10:36,935 --> 01:10:38,960
I saw Barbie outside and
I started talking to her,
1767
01:10:39,037 --> 01:10:41,198
but I got all tongue-tied
and I wasn't making sense.
1768
01:10:41,273 --> 01:10:42,239
I know.
1769
01:10:42,306 --> 01:10:45,743
It sounded like you said,
"I love meat loaf."
1770
01:10:45,810 --> 01:10:47,744
Oh, so you could understand
that part.
1771
01:10:47,813 --> 01:10:50,007
All right, I think that's going
to need a little work, buddy.
1772
01:10:50,082 --> 01:10:51,344
Nothing against
meat loaf though.
1773
01:10:51,416 --> 01:10:53,179
All right, why don't you
tots run off to school?
1774
01:10:53,252 --> 01:10:54,412
I'm going to grab
a cup of java.
1775
01:10:54,485 --> 01:10:55,417
Bye, Dickie.
1776
01:10:55,487 --> 01:10:56,418
Bye, Dickie.
1777
01:10:56,488 --> 01:10:57,454
Bye.
1778
01:10:57,521 --> 01:10:59,216
Ooh, morning.
1779
01:10:59,291 --> 01:11:00,222
Morning.
1780
01:11:00,292 --> 01:11:01,452
Never needed this stuff more.
1781
01:11:01,525 --> 01:11:02,890
No. No coffee.
1782
01:11:02,961 --> 01:11:03,893
Kids don't drink coffee.
1783
01:11:03,962 --> 01:11:04,929
What? That's crazy.
1784
01:11:04,997 --> 01:11:05,929
Juice.
1785
01:11:05,997 --> 01:11:07,430
No, coffee in the morning.
1786
01:11:07,498 --> 01:11:09,399
Shh. Dickie, I got to talk
to you about this script.
1787
01:11:09,467 --> 01:11:11,993
I know why you want to do
this movie so much.
1788
01:11:12,069 --> 01:11:14,630
I read it last night.
It's wonderful.
1789
01:11:14,706 --> 01:11:16,002
Really?
1790
01:11:16,073 --> 01:11:17,701
Please, can you
explain it to me?
1791
01:11:17,775 --> 01:11:19,801
Okay, Mr. Blake
1792
01:11:19,877 --> 01:11:22,311
discovers that heaven
is in his own backyard.
1793
01:11:22,381 --> 01:11:23,313
Oh, wait.
1794
01:11:23,381 --> 01:11:24,780
That's... I didn't
get that part.
1795
01:11:24,850 --> 01:11:26,112
Like heaven, like real heaven?
1796
01:11:26,184 --> 01:11:28,152
Yes, he's this billionaire,
1797
01:11:28,220 --> 01:11:29,653
and he buys
this mysterious plot of land
1798
01:11:29,720 --> 01:11:31,484
and he wants to build
the biggest house
1799
01:11:31,555 --> 01:11:32,488
of all time on it.
1800
01:11:32,556 --> 01:11:33,751
To be admired
by the whole world.
1801
01:11:33,824 --> 01:11:35,689
Right on.
Well, that sounds like me.
1802
01:11:35,761 --> 01:11:37,023
They should just
give me that part.
1803
01:11:37,162 --> 01:11:38,823
Here's the problem.
1804
01:11:38,896 --> 01:11:41,832
The bigger he builds
this giant house,
1805
01:11:41,899 --> 01:11:45,063
the smaller heaven becomes
in his backyard.
1806
01:11:46,371 --> 01:11:47,302
Hmm.
1807
01:11:47,372 --> 01:11:48,634
But he still has
a big house, right?
1808
01:11:48,707 --> 01:11:50,230
Have you ever seen MTV Cribs?
1809
01:11:50,309 --> 01:11:51,502
Tommy Lee has a sex room.
1810
01:11:51,576 --> 01:11:53,668
And how come all the
rappers have a video
1811
01:11:53,744 --> 01:11:55,042
of Scarface going all the time?
1812
01:11:55,113 --> 01:11:57,411
Yeah, okay, meanwhile,
1813
01:11:57,481 --> 01:12:01,509
there's this woman, Esmerelda,
she's Mr. Blake's housekeeper,
1814
01:12:01,586 --> 01:12:03,985
and he falls madly
in love with her, right?
1815
01:12:04,055 --> 01:12:05,079
And then she dies.
1816
01:12:06,158 --> 01:12:08,387
Wait.
She die-dies?
1817
01:12:08,460 --> 01:12:10,359
I thought
this was a happy movie.
1818
01:12:10,429 --> 01:12:11,760
Oh, it is.
1819
01:12:11,829 --> 01:12:14,423
Esmerelda goes to heaven...
you see,
1820
01:12:14,498 --> 01:12:16,091
so by discovering true love,
1821
01:12:16,167 --> 01:12:19,194
Mr. Blake's able to see
the heaven in his own backyard...
1822
01:12:19,270 --> 01:12:21,101
the heaven that was
always there,
1823
01:12:21,172 --> 01:12:22,833
only he couldn't see it...
1824
01:12:22,908 --> 01:12:25,274
so he tears down
this enormous house,
1825
01:12:25,344 --> 01:12:27,641
and he lives in his own backyard
in a little shack...
1826
01:12:27,712 --> 01:12:31,113
and it's all
to be near Esmerelda.
1827
01:12:31,182 --> 01:12:32,615
Do you see, Dickie?
1828
01:12:32,684 --> 01:12:34,981
Do you see
what that story means?
1829
01:12:36,854 --> 01:12:38,117
I don't. No.
1830
01:12:38,189 --> 01:12:39,713
I don't understand any of it.
1831
01:12:41,460 --> 01:12:42,791
- Now, come on.
- No!
1832
01:12:42,860 --> 01:12:44,158
No coffee.
1833
01:12:44,229 --> 01:12:46,128
Here, have a nice bowl
of cereal instead.
1834
01:12:46,198 --> 01:12:47,289
Cereal?
1835
01:12:47,365 --> 01:12:49,197
I've been drinking coffee
since I was three.
1836
01:12:49,266 --> 01:12:50,198
I need a pick-me-up.
1837
01:12:50,268 --> 01:12:51,859
Too bad.
1838
01:12:51,936 --> 01:12:54,302
Fine, cereal it is.
1839
01:12:54,372 --> 01:12:56,500
Oh, my gosh,
there's a prize inside.
1840
01:12:59,144 --> 01:13:00,440
There's a prize...
1841
01:13:02,980 --> 01:13:04,073
Hey, you guys!
1842
01:13:04,149 --> 01:13:05,707
- Hey, Dickie.
- Hey, Dickie.
1843
01:13:05,783 --> 01:13:06,944
What do we have planned next?
1844
01:13:07,018 --> 01:13:08,747
Oh, your Mom's got a lot
of stuff planned.
1845
01:13:08,819 --> 01:13:09,979
- Yeah.
- Like what?
1846
01:13:10,055 --> 01:13:10,987
Like what?
1847
01:13:11,088 --> 01:13:13,113
You're crazy.
1848
01:13:14,158 --> 01:13:15,216
Whoa.
1849
01:13:15,292 --> 01:13:17,193
Hello, Dickie.
1850
01:13:17,261 --> 01:13:19,354
I've missed you.
1851
01:13:19,430 --> 01:13:21,591
So, this guy
totally kidnapped me
1852
01:13:21,666 --> 01:13:22,997
when I was hitchhiking
that day,
1853
01:13:23,100 --> 01:13:25,432
and he was totally weird
with, like, this great haircut,
1854
01:13:25,503 --> 01:13:28,166
so I was actually fooled
into thinking that he was okay,
1855
01:13:28,239 --> 01:13:30,002
you know?
1856
01:13:30,074 --> 01:13:31,006
So I finally escaped,
1857
01:13:31,143 --> 01:13:32,701
and I went back
to Dickie's apartment,
1858
01:13:32,778 --> 01:13:35,109
and Dickie was gone,
and I was, like,
1859
01:13:35,180 --> 01:13:38,444
"Well, I have got
to see my Dickie."
1860
01:13:38,516 --> 01:13:40,006
Um, right.
1861
01:13:40,118 --> 01:13:41,585
Uh, I...
1862
01:13:41,653 --> 01:13:43,449
I'm doing this thing here,
Cyndi, and...
1863
01:13:43,521 --> 01:13:45,216
I just don't know
1864
01:13:45,289 --> 01:13:46,518
if it's a great idea
if you're around,
1865
01:13:46,591 --> 01:13:50,425
only because I'm trying
to focus on the plan.
1866
01:13:50,494 --> 01:13:52,962
Um, I'm thinking if we, uh,
up your rent
1867
01:13:53,030 --> 01:13:55,761
a little bit, there's
really no reason why
1868
01:13:55,833 --> 01:13:57,596
Cyndi can't stay in the den.
1869
01:13:57,668 --> 01:13:58,363
What?
1870
01:13:58,436 --> 01:14:00,802
Oh, Dickie, thank you.
1871
01:14:00,872 --> 01:14:02,805
Thank you.
1872
01:14:02,873 --> 01:14:04,603
Oh, baby.
1873
01:14:04,676 --> 01:14:06,439
Wha... George?
1874
01:14:08,180 --> 01:14:10,978
Baby, I have saved up
a sexual experience
1875
01:14:11,048 --> 01:14:12,573
of a lifetime for you,
1876
01:14:12,650 --> 01:14:16,417
but first, let's loosen things
up a bit,
1877
01:14:16,488 --> 01:14:18,421
light some candles,
1878
01:14:18,489 --> 01:14:20,423
drink some champagne.
1879
01:14:20,492 --> 01:14:22,960
- Okay.
- Okay.
1880
01:14:23,028 --> 01:14:24,256
Do it.
1881
01:14:24,328 --> 01:14:25,591
Oh, me, yeah.
1882
01:14:41,179 --> 01:14:44,113
Get out of here, gross dog.
1883
01:14:55,894 --> 01:14:58,863
- Hmm-mm-mm!
- Hmm-mm-mm!
1884
01:14:58,930 --> 01:15:01,398
Taittinger, the finest bubbly.
1885
01:15:01,466 --> 01:15:02,626
Do you like that painting?
1886
01:15:02,701 --> 01:15:03,497
Huh?
1887
01:15:05,002 --> 01:15:06,095
Ow!
1888
01:15:06,171 --> 01:15:08,139
Oh... whoo, got ya.
1889
01:15:08,206 --> 01:15:09,969
Got away from me.
1890
01:15:10,108 --> 01:15:12,132
Ooh, this baby is wound up.
1891
01:15:12,210 --> 01:15:13,734
Incoming!
1892
01:15:13,811 --> 01:15:14,801
Ow.
1893
01:15:17,481 --> 01:15:18,948
You're fine, you're fine.
1894
01:15:19,984 --> 01:15:21,953
No blood. Cheers.
1895
01:15:25,155 --> 01:15:27,420
- Nice.
- Yuck.
1896
01:15:27,492 --> 01:15:31,257
So... relax, let me tell you
about this family.
1897
01:15:31,328 --> 01:15:33,421
Oh... I'm having a good time.
1898
01:15:33,497 --> 01:15:35,261
They are great.
1899
01:15:35,332 --> 01:15:37,095
Well, George, he's the dad.
1900
01:15:37,167 --> 01:15:40,432
He's a little... off,
but Sam... he's a great kid.
1901
01:15:40,505 --> 01:15:41,563
He... he's funny.
1902
01:15:41,640 --> 01:15:42,936
He doesn't know
how great he is,
1903
01:15:43,007 --> 01:15:44,942
because he's always
getting bullied at school,
1904
01:15:45,010 --> 01:15:46,944
and it took away
all his confidence.
1905
01:15:47,011 --> 01:15:48,604
He has a crush
on this girl next door,
1906
01:15:48,680 --> 01:15:50,271
and I'm helping him
with that, but...
1907
01:15:50,347 --> 01:15:52,282
uh, you probably don't want
to hear all this.
1908
01:15:52,350 --> 01:15:54,944
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
1909
01:15:55,020 --> 01:15:57,113
And Sally is cute,
and smart, and funny,
1910
01:15:57,188 --> 01:15:58,951
and just the other day
I was telling her...
1911
01:15:59,024 --> 01:16:01,219
Yeah? Wow, that's
really interesting,
1912
01:16:01,292 --> 01:16:03,886
um, but that Grace...
she's a real looker...
1913
01:16:03,962 --> 01:16:06,225
in her own way... I guess.
1914
01:16:06,297 --> 01:16:08,731
Grace... Wow, I...
1915
01:16:08,800 --> 01:16:10,734
Mom? I never thought
of her like that.
1916
01:16:10,801 --> 01:16:12,394
That's funny.
1917
01:16:12,470 --> 01:16:14,734
Yeah, right, like
you hadn't noticed?
1918
01:16:14,805 --> 01:16:16,398
Come on, and you
think I didn't notice
1919
01:16:16,474 --> 01:16:18,237
that George is hot?
1920
01:16:18,310 --> 01:16:20,073
You haven't changed, Dickie.
1921
01:16:20,145 --> 01:16:21,942
You just think you have.
1922
01:16:25,649 --> 01:16:27,743
So, are we going to do
this sex or not,
1923
01:16:27,819 --> 01:16:29,787
because I kind of want
to get it over with.
1924
01:16:30,822 --> 01:16:32,255
Maybe we shouldn't, you know?
1925
01:16:32,323 --> 01:16:34,224
Maybe-maybe it's not
a good idea tonight.
1926
01:16:35,292 --> 01:16:37,386
Wait, y-you're turning me down?
1927
01:16:37,462 --> 01:16:40,090
Unbelievable.
1928
01:16:40,164 --> 01:16:43,430
These yokels
are really getting to you.
1929
01:16:43,501 --> 01:16:45,264
Okay, well,
if we're not doing it,
1930
01:16:45,337 --> 01:16:47,134
will you at least
put out the damn candles?
1931
01:16:48,872 --> 01:16:51,000
Oh, not this one.
It smells great.
1932
01:16:51,141 --> 01:16:52,268
This is sandalwood vanilla.
1933
01:16:52,344 --> 01:16:53,310
You'd love that.
1934
01:16:53,377 --> 01:16:54,002
Ooh!
1935
01:16:54,145 --> 01:16:55,305
Oh! Oh!
1936
01:16:55,380 --> 01:16:57,244
- Oh, oh!
- Oh, my God.
1937
01:16:57,314 --> 01:16:58,942
I'm on fire, you idiot!
1938
01:16:59,016 --> 01:17:00,041
I'm sorry.
1939
01:17:03,454 --> 01:17:04,921
Hey, pal.
1940
01:17:08,126 --> 01:17:09,717
Up-bu-bu-bup, excuse me.
1941
01:17:09,793 --> 01:17:12,057
I thought I told you
not to bother our customers.
1942
01:17:12,130 --> 01:17:13,289
Hey, pal, I'm harmless.
1943
01:17:13,364 --> 01:17:15,560
I just want to talk to Robbie
for, like, ten seconds.
1944
01:17:15,634 --> 01:17:17,225
Jerry, Asto,
get rid of this guy.
1945
01:17:17,301 --> 01:17:18,326
Beat it, pal.
1946
01:17:18,403 --> 01:17:19,734
Let's go.
1947
01:17:19,804 --> 01:17:21,100
Oh, it's him!
It's Rob!
1948
01:17:21,171 --> 01:17:22,399
Hey, how you doing?
Nice to see you.
1949
01:17:22,474 --> 01:17:23,770
Always a pleasure.
Love your car.
1950
01:17:23,841 --> 01:17:24,967
Oh, yeah, we have,
uh, global warming...
1951
01:17:25,042 --> 01:17:25,975
I understand.
1952
01:17:26,043 --> 01:17:28,774
Hey, Rob, it's me,
Sidney Wernick.
1953
01:17:28,846 --> 01:17:30,404
Rob?
1954
01:17:30,481 --> 01:17:31,573
Oh, he's getting away.
1955
01:17:31,649 --> 01:17:33,743
Robbie! Rob!
1956
01:17:33,818 --> 01:17:35,182
It's me, Sidney Wernick.
1957
01:17:35,252 --> 01:17:36,913
I'm Dickie Roberts' agent.
1958
01:17:36,988 --> 01:17:38,353
Give me five seconds.
1959
01:17:39,724 --> 01:17:40,782
Yep, she's a cutie.
1960
01:17:40,859 --> 01:17:42,587
I'll give you that.
1961
01:17:42,661 --> 01:17:45,255
A girl that pretty
is never going to like me.
1962
01:17:45,329 --> 01:17:48,265
Come on, have you seen
Ric Ocasek from The Cars?
1963
01:17:48,332 --> 01:17:49,925
That guy's rough.
1964
01:17:50,001 --> 01:17:51,092
You're way ahead of him.
1965
01:17:51,168 --> 01:17:52,761
Listen, all you got to do
is show her
1966
01:17:52,837 --> 01:17:54,202
what a cool,
funny dude you are.
1967
01:17:54,271 --> 01:17:56,604
But... I'm not good at talking
like you are.
1968
01:17:56,675 --> 01:17:58,336
Well, that's debatable.
1969
01:17:58,409 --> 01:18:00,104
Let's talk to your mom about it.
1970
01:18:00,177 --> 01:18:01,542
Maybe she has some ideas.
1971
01:18:01,613 --> 01:18:03,376
No, no. We can't talk
to a mom about this.
1972
01:18:03,448 --> 01:18:05,211
This is stuff
a dad has to help me with,
1973
01:18:05,283 --> 01:18:07,842
you know, man to man.
1974
01:18:14,792 --> 01:18:16,283
I got an idea.
1975
01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:18,225
Come here.
1976
01:18:21,466 --> 01:18:24,264
Ooh...
1977
01:18:32,210 --> 01:18:39,240
Each day through my window,
I watch her as she passes by
1978
01:18:43,087 --> 01:18:46,751
To have a girl like her
1979
01:18:46,824 --> 01:18:51,056
Is truly a dream come true
1980
01:18:52,564 --> 01:18:56,431
Out of all the fellas
in the world
1981
01:18:56,501 --> 01:19:00,994
She belongs to me
1982
01:19:02,774 --> 01:19:06,106
But it was
just my imagination
1983
01:19:08,680 --> 01:19:11,204
Running away with me
1984
01:19:13,618 --> 01:19:17,212
It was just my imagination
1985
01:19:17,287 --> 01:19:21,554
Running away with me...
1986
01:19:22,961 --> 01:19:24,792
Ho-ho, whoa, Sam!
1987
01:19:24,863 --> 01:19:25,761
Whoa-whoa!
1988
01:19:27,599 --> 01:19:28,930
Ow.
1989
01:19:31,636 --> 01:19:33,034
Uh, Barbie...
1990
01:19:37,041 --> 01:19:39,975
Uh, Barbie, I was...
I was hoping
1991
01:19:40,043 --> 01:19:42,307
you'd like to go
to a movie with me.
1992
01:19:43,814 --> 01:19:46,045
Yes, Sam, I'll go to a movie
with you.
1993
01:19:48,019 --> 01:19:49,452
Ooh...
1994
01:19:49,520 --> 01:19:50,920
Idiot!
1995
01:19:52,890 --> 01:19:53,983
Yeah, okay.
1996
01:19:54,125 --> 01:19:56,092
Yeah, hey, wait,
hold on, here he is.
1997
01:19:56,161 --> 01:19:58,220
Dickie, it's Sidney... it sounds
like something's wrong.
1998
01:19:58,296 --> 01:19:59,228
What?
1999
01:19:59,296 --> 01:20:00,729
Hey, Sidney, what's up?
2000
01:20:00,798 --> 01:20:03,666
Dickie, turn on the news.
2001
01:20:03,734 --> 01:20:05,395
Famous director Rob Reiner
was the victim
2002
01:20:05,470 --> 01:20:07,563
of a road rage incident today
in Hollywood.
2003
01:20:07,639 --> 01:20:10,436
Witnesses say that Mr. Reiner
was stopped at a red light
2004
01:20:10,507 --> 01:20:12,600
when a large angry man
pulled Mr. Reiner
2005
01:20:12,676 --> 01:20:13,974
out of his Honda Insight
2006
01:20:14,045 --> 01:20:17,310
and began beating him
for well over a minute.
2007
01:20:17,381 --> 01:20:19,282
Mr. Reiner was rushed
to a nearby hospital,
2008
01:20:19,350 --> 01:20:21,011
his only dazed words being,
2009
01:20:21,085 --> 01:20:24,815
"I have no idea what I did
to make that man so angry."
2010
01:20:26,190 --> 01:20:29,024
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
2011
01:20:29,092 --> 01:20:30,617
Dickie, I got you an audition.
2012
01:20:30,694 --> 01:20:33,027
You got me that audition?
How?
2013
01:20:33,163 --> 01:20:37,463
Well, it's a long story,
but it's tomorrow at 3:00.
2014
01:20:37,534 --> 01:20:39,798
Tomorrow at 3:00?
I-I-I'm... I'll never be ready.
2015
01:20:39,871 --> 01:20:41,304
Well, you got to be ready,
2016
01:20:41,372 --> 01:20:42,963
because the audition's
at the hospital,
2017
01:20:43,041 --> 01:20:45,167
and then Rob's going under
for an operation.
2018
01:20:45,243 --> 01:20:46,641
What, an operation?
2019
01:20:46,711 --> 01:20:49,042
Well, anyway, long story short,
2020
01:20:49,180 --> 01:20:53,047
Rob needs a kidney,
and I'm giving him one of mine.
2021
01:20:53,184 --> 01:20:55,152
We swapped...
2022
01:20:55,220 --> 01:20:57,381
a kidney for an audition.
2023
01:20:57,454 --> 01:20:59,979
You'd better get that job!
2024
01:21:01,658 --> 01:21:02,751
Holy crap.
2025
01:21:02,827 --> 01:21:03,885
It's tomorrow.
2026
01:21:03,962 --> 01:21:05,759
I'm not ready.
2027
01:21:05,829 --> 01:21:07,764
Wait.
2028
01:21:07,832 --> 01:21:10,130
I've got an idea.
2029
01:21:10,201 --> 01:21:11,690
Okay, here we go.
2030
01:21:11,769 --> 01:21:13,100
You're going to be ready,
Dickie.
2031
01:21:13,171 --> 01:21:14,103
This is the big one.
2032
01:21:14,171 --> 01:21:15,264
It's Christmas morning.
2033
01:21:15,340 --> 01:21:16,931
You're waking up excited.
2034
01:21:17,007 --> 01:21:19,442
You think you heard reindeer
on the roof, okay?
2035
01:21:19,510 --> 01:21:21,704
All right, I'll be
down in a second.
2036
01:21:21,779 --> 01:21:25,010
Mom, this was such a good idea
to help Dickie.
2037
01:21:25,149 --> 01:21:27,140
Do you think he could pretend
it's Christmas even though
2038
01:21:27,217 --> 01:21:28,947
- It's not for a while?
- Sure, he can,
2039
01:21:29,020 --> 01:21:31,954
and if coming down the stairs
and seeing his first red bicycle
2040
01:21:32,023 --> 01:21:34,457
helps him with his acting
somehow, then...
2041
01:21:34,524 --> 01:21:36,082
huh?
2042
01:21:37,362 --> 01:21:39,261
He really is special, isn't he?
2043
01:21:39,329 --> 01:21:41,024
Who would've thought?
2044
01:21:41,099 --> 01:21:43,293
Yeah, I mean how is it possible
that Stranger Danger
2045
01:21:43,368 --> 01:21:45,029
turned out to be so cool?
2046
01:21:45,103 --> 01:21:46,592
Hey, where's Cyndi?
2047
01:21:46,671 --> 01:21:48,036
I thought she would've
helped him with this.
2048
01:21:48,105 --> 01:21:49,538
Slut.
2049
01:21:53,610 --> 01:21:55,670
Here I come.
2050
01:22:07,324 --> 01:22:09,588
Wow, a bicycle.
2051
01:22:33,350 --> 01:22:35,444
You guys...
2052
01:22:35,520 --> 01:22:38,784
that was... that was great
of you to do this for me.
2053
01:22:38,855 --> 01:22:41,654
Thanks for being so cool
to put this together, but...
2054
01:22:41,725 --> 01:22:43,626
But what?
2055
01:22:43,694 --> 01:22:48,631
but... I guess it's true
you can never go home again.
2056
01:22:48,699 --> 01:22:51,134
I mean, I missed out
on the real thing,
2057
01:22:51,202 --> 01:22:53,636
and I don't... I don't think
I'll ever get it back.
2058
01:22:53,704 --> 01:22:57,037
Well, maybe you didn't get
something back.
2059
01:22:57,175 --> 01:22:59,666
Maybe you got something
you never had.
2060
01:22:59,743 --> 01:23:01,109
Dickie...
2061
01:23:03,146 --> 01:23:06,082
...you've been so good
with my family.
2062
01:23:06,149 --> 01:23:07,777
You've been so good to me.
2063
01:23:07,851 --> 01:23:09,752
You're so different
than the angry, weird guy
2064
01:23:09,820 --> 01:23:12,756
who landed on our doorstep
a month ago.
2065
01:23:12,823 --> 01:23:15,155
You're a joy to have around...
2066
01:23:15,225 --> 01:23:18,662
so... as a present
2067
01:23:18,729 --> 01:23:21,460
for all that you've
done to help us.
2068
01:23:24,502 --> 01:23:27,265
This isn't part
of your experiment.
2069
01:23:27,337 --> 01:23:29,328
I got this gift for you.
2070
01:23:39,850 --> 01:23:42,444
Candy Land.
2071
01:23:42,520 --> 01:23:44,646
You remembered?
2072
01:23:46,189 --> 01:23:47,520
That's what moms do.
2073
01:23:55,132 --> 01:23:58,193
You grew up, Dickie Roberts.
2074
01:24:11,314 --> 01:24:13,373
That's so unfair!
2075
01:24:21,259 --> 01:24:23,750
I'm really sorry that
you're here, Mr. Reiner.
2076
01:24:23,828 --> 01:24:25,796
Thanks, but why are you sorry?
2077
01:24:25,863 --> 01:24:28,729
It's not like you had anything
to do with that guy going nuts.
2078
01:24:29,867 --> 01:24:31,300
All right.
2079
01:24:31,368 --> 01:24:32,529
Okay.
2080
01:24:32,603 --> 01:24:33,934
You ready to read?
2081
01:24:34,005 --> 01:24:36,029
We-we don't have much time here.
2082
01:24:40,278 --> 01:24:42,802
I think I'm ready.
2083
01:24:42,880 --> 01:24:44,404
Woo! I got the part!
2084
01:24:44,481 --> 01:24:46,109
Yeah. Woo.
2085
01:24:46,184 --> 01:24:48,118
I got it, baby!
2086
01:24:48,185 --> 01:24:50,154
Come here, doggy.
2087
01:24:50,220 --> 01:24:51,949
I got...
2088
01:24:52,023 --> 01:24:53,990
Congratulations.
2089
01:24:56,359 --> 01:24:57,690
Is it hot out here?
2090
01:24:57,761 --> 01:25:01,220
- Oh.
- Oh.
2091
01:25:01,298 --> 01:25:03,596
I got it.
2092
01:25:03,667 --> 01:25:05,601
You guys, I got it.
2093
01:25:05,670 --> 01:25:07,661
Where is everybody?
2094
01:25:07,738 --> 01:25:09,296
You guys, are you kidding me?
2095
01:25:09,372 --> 01:25:11,932
I got it. It worked.
2096
01:25:12,009 --> 01:25:13,408
Where are you?
2097
01:25:14,479 --> 01:25:15,639
There you are.
2098
01:25:15,712 --> 01:25:16,805
I got the part!
2099
01:25:16,881 --> 01:25:17,904
Oh!
2100
01:25:17,981 --> 01:25:19,643
That's wonderful.
2101
01:25:19,716 --> 01:25:22,412
Something's wrong.
2102
01:25:26,023 --> 01:25:27,990
Oh, George and Cyndi?
2103
01:25:28,059 --> 01:25:30,356
George and Cyndi?
2104
01:25:30,427 --> 01:25:32,658
They ran off together?
2105
01:25:33,730 --> 01:25:35,858
So we're going
to film in Hawaii.
2106
01:25:35,932 --> 01:25:38,595
I'm going to be there,
like, six months.
2107
01:25:38,668 --> 01:25:42,127
I sacrificed
so much to get this.
2108
01:25:42,206 --> 01:25:44,640
Sidney gave up his kidney.
2109
01:25:44,708 --> 01:25:46,438
I'll send you guys some money.
2110
01:25:46,511 --> 01:25:48,001
No. No, Dickie.
2111
01:25:48,112 --> 01:25:50,103
Please, don't worry about us.
2112
01:25:50,180 --> 01:25:51,546
You're not responsible for us.
2113
01:25:51,615 --> 01:25:53,015
I'm not?
2114
01:25:53,083 --> 01:25:54,608
I sometimes feel like I am.
I mean...
2115
01:25:54,685 --> 01:25:55,777
George didn't just
2116
01:25:55,853 --> 01:25:57,787
suddenly lose his head,
you know?
2117
01:25:57,854 --> 01:26:01,188
Something like this was going
to happen sooner or later.
2118
01:26:01,259 --> 01:26:03,318
Dickie, it's not your fault.
2119
01:26:03,394 --> 01:26:05,623
It's his fault.
2120
01:26:07,097 --> 01:26:09,658
Did she take the rest
of your money?
2121
01:26:12,136 --> 01:26:14,069
Yeah.
2122
01:26:14,137 --> 01:26:16,105
Yeah, but I don't care,
you know?
2123
01:26:18,442 --> 01:26:20,376
It was never about the money.
2124
01:26:20,444 --> 01:26:23,072
It was about something more
than that.
2125
01:26:25,815 --> 01:26:28,341
And now you have that, right?
2126
01:26:29,819 --> 01:26:31,480
Yeah.
2127
01:26:31,555 --> 01:26:33,751
I have everything
I always wanted.
2128
01:26:38,162 --> 01:26:40,153
And I have you to thank.
2129
01:26:40,230 --> 01:26:41,926
Dickie.
2130
01:26:45,136 --> 01:26:47,729
Go find your happiness.
2131
01:26:47,805 --> 01:26:49,773
Wherever that takes you.
2132
01:27:11,862 --> 01:27:12,760
Dickie, Dickie...
2133
01:27:12,829 --> 01:27:14,229
It'll just take one
minute of your time.
2134
01:27:14,297 --> 01:27:16,265
What does it feel like to be
living the Hollywood dream?
2135
01:27:16,333 --> 01:27:17,528
Dickie, over here.
2136
01:27:17,601 --> 01:27:19,159
We want to interview
the comeback kid
2137
01:27:19,237 --> 01:27:20,168
for Hollywood Scene.
2138
01:27:20,238 --> 01:27:21,500
Sally, come on.
2139
01:27:21,572 --> 01:27:22,970
Dickie,
2140
01:27:23,106 --> 01:27:24,768
Jann Carl,
from Entertainment Tonight.
2141
01:27:24,841 --> 01:27:26,742
Look, we want
to do an exclusive interview.
2142
01:27:26,810 --> 01:27:27,800
It's an amazing story.
2143
01:27:27,877 --> 01:27:29,310
You have climbed your way back.
2144
01:28:10,020 --> 01:28:11,248
Folks, it looks like
2145
01:28:11,322 --> 01:28:12,880
we'll be departing here
on time today.
2146
01:28:12,957 --> 01:28:15,118
We anticipate a smooth trip
to the Hawaiian islands,
2147
01:28:15,192 --> 01:28:17,126
and we appreciate you flying
with us here
2148
01:28:17,194 --> 01:28:18,957
on Christmas Eve. Ho, Ho, Ho.
2149
01:28:19,063 --> 01:28:21,462
Sit back, relax
and enjoy your trip.
2150
01:28:21,532 --> 01:28:22,623
So,
2151
01:28:22,699 --> 01:28:25,635
did you want coffee,
tea... or me?
2152
01:28:26,936 --> 01:28:28,336
Oh, Brittany, you are wicked.
2153
01:28:28,405 --> 01:28:29,930
Mr. Roberts can't join
the mile-high club.
2154
01:28:30,006 --> 01:28:30,939
We're still on the ground.
2155
01:28:31,007 --> 01:28:31,975
Thanks anyway, ladies.
2156
01:28:32,042 --> 01:28:33,510
I'm just going
to study my lines.
2157
01:28:33,577 --> 01:28:35,875
Oh yeah, we heard about
the movie and the director.
2158
01:28:35,945 --> 01:28:36,935
You're a huge star.
2159
01:28:37,014 --> 01:28:38,981
So tell us...
what's the movie about?
2160
01:28:39,050 --> 01:28:40,311
- We are huge fans.
- Huge.
2161
01:28:40,384 --> 01:28:41,975
Huge. Seriously huge fans.
2162
01:28:42,118 --> 01:28:43,108
- Sick.
- We love your work.
2163
01:28:43,186 --> 01:28:44,279
I mean, but normal.
2164
01:28:44,354 --> 01:28:45,548
Totally normal.
2165
01:28:45,622 --> 01:28:46,988
It's about this guy, Mr. Blake.
2166
01:28:47,091 --> 01:28:49,490
And in the movie, he wants
to build the biggest house
2167
01:28:49,560 --> 01:28:50,993
in the whole world,
because he thinks
2168
01:28:51,095 --> 01:28:52,391
it will make him happy,
but it doesn't.
2169
01:28:52,462 --> 01:28:53,395
It doesn't?
2170
01:28:53,463 --> 01:28:55,091
Big houses make me horny.
2171
01:28:55,166 --> 01:28:56,292
Me, too.
2172
01:28:56,367 --> 01:28:58,130
Well, he used
to think the same way,
2173
01:28:58,202 --> 01:28:59,498
but then he falls in love.
2174
01:28:59,569 --> 01:29:00,695
Is she a flight attendant?
2175
01:29:00,770 --> 01:29:02,500
Does she get to live
in that big house?
2176
01:29:02,573 --> 01:29:03,869
'Cause I met this producer...
2177
01:29:03,940 --> 01:29:05,601
No, no, no. Listen, listen.
2178
01:29:05,676 --> 01:29:08,645
He finds love, and he realizes
that love is everything.
2179
01:29:08,712 --> 01:29:10,646
Not the biggest house
in the world,
2180
01:29:10,715 --> 01:29:12,649
not being a billionaire.
2181
01:29:12,716 --> 01:29:15,583
He finds out what he wanted
wasn't what he needed,
2182
01:29:15,653 --> 01:29:18,679
and what he needed was
in his own backyard.
2183
01:29:20,890 --> 01:29:24,759
It was right there
in his own backyard.
2184
01:29:30,501 --> 01:29:31,432
I didn't have the money
2185
01:29:31,502 --> 01:29:32,832
for real presents
this year, okay?
2186
01:29:32,903 --> 01:29:34,962
So, Sam, if what I got you is
not what you really wanted,
2187
01:29:35,072 --> 01:29:36,561
or you're disappointed,
we can return it.
2188
01:29:36,640 --> 01:29:38,608
And Sally, the same goes
for you, all right?
2189
01:29:38,676 --> 01:29:39,938
Whoa.
2190
01:29:40,010 --> 01:29:42,979
Whoa. Look at all this stuff.
2191
01:29:43,079 --> 01:29:44,377
Where did all this come from?
2192
01:29:46,884 --> 01:29:47,872
Dickie!
2193
01:29:47,952 --> 01:29:48,940
Dickie, you're here.
2194
01:29:49,019 --> 01:29:51,510
What are you doing here?
2195
01:29:51,588 --> 01:29:52,520
I can't believe it.
2196
01:29:52,590 --> 01:29:53,578
- Hey.
- Merry Christmas.
2197
01:29:53,657 --> 01:29:55,283
Dickie, what
about your movie?
2198
01:29:55,359 --> 01:29:57,690
Well, sometimes in Hollywood
if you say no,
2199
01:29:57,761 --> 01:29:59,559
it only makes them
want you more.
2200
01:29:59,630 --> 01:30:01,689
So you're staying, Dickie?
2201
01:30:01,765 --> 01:30:03,791
If your Mom's okay with it,
I'd like room and board
2202
01:30:03,868 --> 01:30:05,233
for quite a while.
2203
01:30:09,006 --> 01:30:11,304
Oh.
2204
01:30:11,375 --> 01:30:13,865
Okay!
2205
01:30:13,944 --> 01:30:16,377
And so Dickie Roberts'
dreams did come true,
2206
01:30:16,447 --> 01:30:18,381
but in a way he never
could have imagined.
2207
01:30:18,448 --> 01:30:21,975
He created a sitcom
based on his exploits,
2208
01:30:22,051 --> 01:30:23,985
and, with Leif Garrett starring
as the Dickie character,
2209
01:30:24,054 --> 01:30:26,113
the show quickly climbed
into the top ten,
2210
01:30:26,189 --> 01:30:27,622
winning four Emmys.
2211
01:30:27,690 --> 01:30:29,954
Here's Dickie and his agent,
Sidney Wernick.
2212
01:30:30,027 --> 01:30:31,721
I may have to pee
every 45 minutes,
2213
01:30:31,796 --> 01:30:33,922
but at least I get to pee
in a gold toilet.
2214
01:30:33,997 --> 01:30:35,488
Dickie didn't forget
his friends,
2215
01:30:35,565 --> 01:30:38,659
and they enjoy a weekly spot
on the popular sitcom.
2216
01:30:38,735 --> 01:30:40,600
With Grace in charge
of set design,
2217
01:30:40,671 --> 01:30:41,899
Sam writing jokes,
2218
01:30:41,971 --> 01:30:44,565
and Sally becoming the youngest
choreographer in TV,
2219
01:30:44,641 --> 01:30:47,235
Dickie keeps the show
a real family affair.
2220
01:30:47,310 --> 01:30:49,506
Brick wall, waterfall,
Danny thinks
2221
01:30:49,579 --> 01:30:51,046
he's got it all, but he don't.
2222
01:30:51,148 --> 01:30:52,239
And we do.
2223
01:30:52,315 --> 01:30:53,543
So boom with that attitude.
2224
01:30:53,617 --> 01:30:55,015
A Reese's Pieces, 7 UP.
2225
01:30:55,085 --> 01:30:56,746
Mess with us, we mess you up.
2226
01:30:56,820 --> 01:30:58,448
And cut. So good.
2227
01:31:01,192 --> 01:31:04,161
They're driving me crazy.
2228
01:31:04,228 --> 01:31:05,319
As for George and Cyndi,
2229
01:31:05,395 --> 01:31:07,386
their ill-fated romance
didn't quite work out.
2230
01:31:07,465 --> 01:31:10,365
Would you make yourself useful
and get me a drink?
2231
01:31:14,171 --> 01:31:15,797
How about some champagne?
2232
01:31:15,872 --> 01:31:16,805
Whatever.
2233
01:31:20,010 --> 01:31:22,842
The bottle impact led
to a case of walking amnesia,
2234
01:31:22,912 --> 01:31:25,176
and George was last seen
hitchhiking into the desert
2235
01:31:25,248 --> 01:31:26,476
to find himself.
2236
01:31:30,854 --> 01:31:34,256
Cyndi, soon after,
begged Dickie for a job.
2237
01:31:34,324 --> 01:31:36,384
He gave her a guest part
on his show,
2238
01:31:36,460 --> 01:31:38,724
on the episode titled
"Cyndi Gets Poison Oak."
2239
01:31:40,730 --> 01:31:43,291
Its success led to a spin-off
for Cyndi called,
2240
01:31:43,367 --> 01:31:46,199
The Bitch Who Didn't Know
She Was a Bitch.
2241
01:31:46,270 --> 01:31:48,738
As for Dickie Roberts,
millions of Americans tuned in
2242
01:31:48,805 --> 01:31:50,534
to the sitcom's wedding show
2243
01:31:50,608 --> 01:31:53,372
which reflected Dickie's
real-life marriage
2244
01:31:53,444 --> 01:31:55,377
to the love of his life, Grace.
2245
01:31:55,445 --> 01:31:56,810
The old saying goes,
2246
01:31:56,881 --> 01:31:58,905
"There's no business
like show business,"
2247
01:31:58,983 --> 01:32:01,850
but as the incredible saga
of "Dickie Roberts,
2248
01:32:01,918 --> 01:32:04,944
Former Child Star," shows us,
the more apt saying is,
2249
01:32:05,021 --> 01:32:07,182
"There's no love
like real love."
2250
01:32:07,257 --> 01:32:09,783
This has been the story
of Dickie Roberts:
2251
01:32:09,859 --> 01:32:11,760
The E! True Hollywood Story.
2252
01:32:26,010 --> 01:32:31,003
Former child stars
are people, too
2253
01:32:31,114 --> 01:32:36,814
They're the same as you,
and you and you
2254
01:32:36,886 --> 01:32:40,287
So we ask
this simple question
2255
01:32:40,356 --> 01:32:45,020
How can it be
that you occasionally
2256
01:32:45,128 --> 01:32:48,462
Don't respect their dignity?
2257
01:32:48,532 --> 01:32:52,127
'Cause as they make their way
through life
2258
01:32:52,202 --> 01:32:55,194
Long after
the spotlight's faded
2259
01:32:55,271 --> 01:32:57,536
There are things
some of you do
2260
01:32:57,608 --> 01:33:01,703
That make them want
to be sedated
2261
01:33:01,779 --> 01:33:04,212
We loved being child stars
2262
01:33:04,280 --> 01:33:07,681
On your television
2263
01:33:07,751 --> 01:33:09,582
But please stop giving us crap
2264
01:33:09,653 --> 01:33:14,680
Or we'll have
a head-on collision
2265
01:33:14,757 --> 01:33:20,662
Thank you for letting me
in your living rooms
2266
01:33:20,730 --> 01:33:25,930
To entertain you before bed
2267
01:33:26,002 --> 01:33:30,530
But if one more person
calls me Marcia
2268
01:33:30,608 --> 01:33:33,805
I'll bust his fucking head
2269
01:33:33,877 --> 01:33:38,939
She's very grateful,
just like she said
2270
01:33:39,015 --> 01:33:42,007
But please don't call her Marcia
2271
01:33:42,152 --> 01:33:44,779
Or she'll bust
your freaking head
2272
01:33:44,854 --> 01:33:47,345
Yeah, I'd rather be called
Marcia then Screech.
2273
01:33:47,423 --> 01:33:53,020
So I'm sitting alone
in Arby's
2274
01:33:53,096 --> 01:33:58,125
I get questions
that make me see red
2275
01:33:58,202 --> 01:33:59,463
Hey, Eddie?
2276
01:33:59,536 --> 01:34:01,560
Where's Herman Munster?
2277
01:34:01,639 --> 01:34:04,971
Well, pal, for ten years,
he's been dead
2278
01:34:05,074 --> 01:34:07,235
They ask, "Hey, Lucy,
where's J.R.?"
2279
01:34:07,310 --> 01:34:09,108
Come on, y'all, be realistic.
2280
01:34:09,179 --> 01:34:11,113
One more "Hey, Joanie,
where's Chachi,"
2281
01:34:11,180 --> 01:34:12,375
and I'll go ballistic.
2282
01:34:12,448 --> 01:34:15,315
Our costars
are not on our speed dial
2283
01:34:15,386 --> 01:34:17,149
So please don't ask
2284
01:34:17,220 --> 01:34:20,212
Or we'll take that phone
and shove it
2285
01:34:20,289 --> 01:34:24,488
Right up your dumb fat ass
2286
01:34:24,560 --> 01:34:27,086
No, we don't ride
in fancy limos
2287
01:34:27,163 --> 01:34:30,395
Private jets,
they're not for us
2288
01:34:30,466 --> 01:34:33,333
So you may see us driving Neons
2289
01:34:33,404 --> 01:34:35,997
Or riding the Greyhound bus
2290
01:34:36,105 --> 01:34:39,269
Yeah, we live
just like all of you
2291
01:34:39,342 --> 01:34:41,970
So don't call us losers
2292
01:34:42,046 --> 01:34:44,310
Or we'll punch you
with so many rights
2293
01:34:44,381 --> 01:34:46,780
You'll be begging for lefts
2294
01:34:46,850 --> 01:34:51,047
And beggars
can't be choosers
2295
01:35:02,599 --> 01:35:07,729
I was on Teen Beat
with Michael Jackson
2296
01:35:07,805 --> 01:35:11,570
Now he's bigger, I suppose
2297
01:35:11,641 --> 01:35:13,576
Yeah, yeah
2298
01:35:13,644 --> 01:35:17,511
Though he may be
a multi-zillionaire
2299
01:35:17,581 --> 01:35:20,948
At least I still have my nose
2300
01:35:21,018 --> 01:35:23,077
At least we're not crazy
2301
01:35:23,153 --> 01:35:25,985
We don't sleep with chimpanzees
2302
01:35:26,090 --> 01:35:28,614
We don't bleach our skin
2303
01:35:28,692 --> 01:35:31,286
Or dangle babies from balconies
2304
01:35:31,360 --> 01:35:36,957
We loved being child stars
on your television
2305
01:35:37,033 --> 01:35:39,365
But misbehave and
we'll bust your head
2306
01:35:39,435 --> 01:35:41,631
Gee, Wally,
was it something they said?
2307
01:35:41,704 --> 01:35:45,765
Child stars
on your television
2308
01:35:45,842 --> 01:35:47,673
Most of us have nothing
to lose
2309
01:35:47,744 --> 01:35:50,407
So we'll put your butt
on the 5:00 news
2310
01:35:50,480 --> 01:35:54,314
Child stars
on your television
2311
01:35:54,384 --> 01:35:56,443
We don't know karate,
but we do know crazy
2312
01:35:56,520 --> 01:35:58,953
We'll beat you so bad,
your future will be hazy
2313
01:35:59,021 --> 01:36:02,890
Child stars
on your television
2314
01:36:02,960 --> 01:36:04,951
Don't ever say,
"Didn't you used to be...?"
2315
01:36:05,028 --> 01:36:07,552
Or I'll put your head
through a vintage TV
2316
01:36:07,631 --> 01:36:11,396
Child stars on your television
2317
01:36:11,467 --> 01:36:13,458
Eight rehabs isn't enough
2318
01:36:13,537 --> 01:36:16,061
But I've done and seen
the most killer stuff
2319
01:36:16,140 --> 01:36:19,974
Child stars
on your television
2320
01:36:20,042 --> 01:36:22,068
You want an autograph
but I'ma tell you this
2321
01:36:22,145 --> 01:36:24,511
Don't ask a brother
when he's taking a piss
2322
01:36:24,581 --> 01:36:28,483
Child stars
on your television
2323
01:36:28,551 --> 01:36:30,679
You can dance like me,
you can dance like Mickey
2324
01:36:30,753 --> 01:36:34,655
I'll hurt you real bad,
you can take it from Kenickie
2325
01:36:34,725 --> 01:36:37,284
Now of course
we've been kidding
2326
01:36:37,360 --> 01:36:39,521
This has all been in fun
2327
01:36:39,595 --> 01:36:46,001
We're happy you still love us,
after our shows have gone
2328
01:36:46,103 --> 01:36:50,005
But please just follow
our simple rules
2329
01:36:50,073 --> 01:36:52,302
Or we'll beat you
like rented mules.
2330
01:36:55,279 --> 01:37:00,774
We loved being child stars
on your television
2331
01:37:00,850 --> 01:37:04,947
Child stars
2332
01:37:05,055 --> 01:37:05,953
Child stars.
2333
01:37:47,163 --> 01:37:49,324
All right you guys,
thanks for coming.
2334
01:37:49,399 --> 01:37:50,457
Let's skedoodle.
2335
01:37:50,533 --> 01:37:52,091
All right,
that's seriously the end.
2336
01:37:52,168 --> 01:37:53,363
People in the back, beat it.
2337
01:37:53,436 --> 01:37:54,734
We know you left your popcorn.
2338
01:37:54,805 --> 01:37:56,238
That's fine.
Someone will get it.
2339
01:37:56,305 --> 01:37:58,569
And quit pretending like
you're reading the credits.
2340
01:37:58,641 --> 01:37:59,573
They're so small,
2341
01:37:59,643 --> 01:38:01,109
and we're pushing them by
so fast.
2342
01:38:01,177 --> 01:38:02,940
We don't even know
who these people are.
2343
01:38:03,046 --> 01:38:04,137
It's some contract thing.
2344
01:38:05,314 --> 01:38:06,304
Who was that?
2345
01:38:06,382 --> 01:38:08,145
Was that one of you guys,
or was that me?
2346
01:38:08,217 --> 01:38:09,275
That was me.
2347
01:38:09,353 --> 01:38:10,614
Got a little bite in it.
2348
01:38:10,686 --> 01:38:13,154
Come on, that's funny.
162064
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