Original subtitles

[silence]

There is an ancient legend,

some say over a thousand years old,

about a foreign child, an orphan,

who was lost and without direction.

The legend says his feet will fly,

and he will overcome many enemies to find his true home,

his true family,

and eventually his true love.

[baby coos]

This is the legend of the Dancing Ninja.

Hi, son.

[flies buzzing]

- Papa-san. - Hmm?

Why is business better at all the other shops?

Very bad location. No street traffic.

- Take delivery to Mr. Shi. - Yes, Papa-san.

The legend says this child will be an outsider,

one who is not accepted by his peers.

But deep inside,

within the recesses of his very soul...

Here you are, Mr. Shi, your fish and cake.

...there is a destiny that must be fulfilled.

[crowd gasps]

♪♪

[crowd gasps]

♪♪

[applause, cheers]

Push harder!

You will never be ninja!

Hard! Faster!

Good power.

Kimi, very nice.

[yelling]

Set. Hai!

Set. Hai!

No.

Set.

Hai!

Whoa!

Impossible.

Thank you, Ikki.

See you later, Mr. Shi.

Are you ready? [echoes]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Sometimes you need a friend ♪

Let's learn a new step!

♪ Sometimes you need more than that ♪

♪ I would like to see you again ♪

♪ I've been waiting for you to come back ♪

♪ I know you can ♪

♪ I think you can do your dance ♪

♪ I think this might be our romance ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance So come and shake your pants ♪

Wow! Was that really your best?

♪ More, more, more ♪

Hi-ya!

You are getting worse and worse.

Sabu, I really want to be a ninja.

Ikki, one does not want to become a ninja.

One either is or is not a ninja,

and you are not a ninja.

Ooh, I'm so disappointed!

You can do better!

♪ Ola ola, hey ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh Ola ola, hey hey ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh Ola ola, hey ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh Ola ola ♪

♪ You'll be good ♪

♪ Keep on trying and you will shine ♪

♪ I really know that you could ♪

♪ And maybe one day you will be mine ♪

♪ I know you can ♪

♪ I think you can do your dance ♪

♪ I think this might be our romance ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪

Let's step it up a notch!

♪ Get out on the floor if you really want some more ♪

♪ More, more, more Yeah, we can lock the room ♪

♪ We can make it through ♪

I've never seen anything like this!

♪ Uh oh, ola ola, hey Ola ola ♪

♪ Uh oh, ola ola Hey hey ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh ola ola, hey ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh ola ola ♪

Ready?

Ready?

Begin!

You ready?

You win.

♪ Yeah, we can lock the room ♪

♪ We can make it cool So come and make it groove ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh ola ola, hey ♪

♪ Ola ola, uh oh ola ola, hey hey ♪

Perfect!

- Okay, Mama-san, nice pose. - Okay.

This video will sell good.

Ikki-san, where are you going?

To go see Sabu to tell him I have mastered the dance!

Okay, okay.

Okay, come on now, we finish video.

Yeah, baby, arch your back, lick your lips.

I've heard there is a legend.

Ha. What legend?

The Legend of the Dancing Ninja.

He studies hard and becomes so disciplined

that he saves the world.

[laughs] You are a na ve child.

That is ridiculous! It is a fable.

But that's not what the other ninjas say.

And if it is true, I have to be him.

[scoffs]

The ninjas of legend are cold and hard,

but the insides burn like fire.

A boiling core of repressed chi ignites their abilities.

You show no signs of what a dancing ninja can do.

Can you do this?

Ugh!

Ah.

Whoa!

That was a cool hip move, Sabu.

Cool hip?

Mm-hmm.

When you learn that, come see me.

But, Sabu, it sounds to me

like you just admitted there is a Dancing Ninja.

It sounds to me, Ikki,

like you are getting on my nerves!

You will see, Sabu.

I will train hard, and I will show you.

[clears throat]

It is not for me to say, Sabu,

but I think you treat him in an unusual way.

Really?

Do not question my training methods.

Did you just say, "training method"?

Stand!

Everyone stand!

Two hours!

Do not move!

And someone clean up that rice!

But do not move!

♪♪

Sabu, you asked for me?

- I'm not your Sabu. - Oh, sorry.

Yes, Ikki,

I asked you here to return these videos to your mother

before she stick me with late charge.

Also...

I've sensed that you are troubled,

and I decided that this one time only

I will give advice, in an unofficial capacity, of course.

Thank you, Sabu.

- That's very kind of you. - [coughs]

I mean, that is very kind of you, not my Sabu.

It is no problem, not my student.

Now, what troubles you?

I do not know who I am.

That is simple.

You are a poor orphan boy.

You survived a terrible shipwreck,

washed upon the shore.

Your Papa-san find you, crying baby,

take you home, you live your life.

Tragic, I know, but get over it.

Return videos.

But, Sabu, this is why I have nightmares.

It is close to overdue time.

Your mother don't even give ninja a break! Go!

Ah, hello!

Mmm!

You look so... tasty.

I like that.

Now I know the big difference.

I'm the only one

that doesn't know anything about myself at all.

Ikki.

Come here.

Listen to me.

Finding your true self

comes from the enlightenment of knowing a woman.

You must release the burning chi inside you.

It grows stronger every day.

You can feel it.

I do not understand.

Just ask your parents. I'm sure they do.

But my parents are just simple shop owners,

other than their instructional DVD business.

Which are very good, by the way.

Thank you.

But they know nothing of ninja training.

Ikki, find a woman, become a man.

Only then can you know who you really are.

Oh, Ikki.

I pay late charge on this one. Go.

Mmm. "Seven Habits of Highly Successful Geishas."

Well... [spanks]

I teach you nine. [laughs]

You must release the burning chi inside you.

Only then can you know who you really are.

[clattering]

My parents' video business.

I'm out of control.

Look what you've done.

I do not want to cause any trouble.

I told you. I do not want any trouble.

You know what? I don't like people messing with my clothes.

Please!

I don't want to fight!

♪♪

♪ Hey, yo It's about to go down ♪

♪ And you and I know I could take these clowns ♪

♪ I'll fight the fight day and night ♪

♪ You wanna bring it on Just what I like ♪

♪ So check what you see if you wanna step to me ♪

♪ I'm that guy who got that chi I drop it like it's hot ♪

♪ You want another taste of what I got, homeboy ♪

♪ Uh, you must be loco ♪

♪ You wanna step to my ninja flow ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Yeah, ninja fight I got your ninja fight ♪

♪ You want a ninja fight I got your ninja fight ♪

♪ I got your ninja fight I got your ninja fight ♪

♪ You want a ninja fight I got your ninja fight ♪

♪♪ [continues]

♪ Ninja fight I got your ninja fight ♪

♪ You want a ninja fight I got your ninja fight ♪

Damn!

You're like a ninja master or something.

Maybe I am.

Have you ever heard of the Legend of the Dancing Ninja?

No.

Well, it's an interesting legend.

It foretells of a ninja who dances, of course,

and then he fights and...

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

We're sorry for starting beef with you.

Teach us your cool moves.

Please?

♪ Dance with you I wanna dance good for you ♪

♪ Dance with you I wanna dance good for you ♪

♪ Let the music explode ♪

♪ When we walk in the door ♪

♪ Now it's time to move ♪

♪ So get on the floor ♪

♪ Get on the floor ♪

♪ Get on the floor ♪

♪ Get on the floor ♪

♪ Get on the floor ♪

♪ Get on the floor ♪

Press in, press out.

Feel the burn. Good.

Press out.

Okay, three...

two...

...one more!

Okay.

Very good.

Your ninja abilities grow with each repetition.

Soon you'll be ready for full power machine.

Go. Join the others.

Adoring fans loved him

as an international movie star all through the '90s.

It may be a few years since iconic figure Ansel LaDouche

starred in a movie,

and some say his career is behind him,

but this master of the martial arts

has turned entrepreneur.

Rumor is he will be the face of the about-to-launch

24-Hour Fighting Channel,

and from there, an entirely new series of movies.

So while some say "washed up," we're not so sure.

This is Heidi Holdem for Entertainment Hollywood.

W-W-Washed up?

Did she say I was washed up?

She's a dick.

I hate this place.

If I didn't have to get those plans,

I'd never set foot in this rat hole again.

It's a pit.

Let's just get that scroll and get out.

Okay, step three.

Right lever tension. [grunts]

- Left lever stretch. - [groans]

Master, you've done this for me so often.

Now it's my turn to help you stretch.

[groans] I don't want your help.

Oh, don't be that way.

What you've done for me

has turned my life into a mega empire!

[groans]

What I taught you was sacred.

You have taken it and turned yourself into a mockery.

You are a disgrace.

I am loved by millions.

[chuckles]

Maybe in your own mind, LaDouche.

But in the real world, you are despised.

I am not despised!

I am feared!

[sighs]

You need me!

I need nothing from you.

You want to live?

Get out now, LaDouche, while I still allow it.

Then you come with me.

Together with this machine, we can conquer the world!

No. This is not a toy

or a trinket to be sold on Hollywood Boulevard.

This is a dangerous machine

and cannot be trusted with the likes of you.

I would rather stick a needle in my eye than help you.

This exercise is done!

[shouts]

Oh, shit.

Wah... huh!

Huh!

[chuckles] Your powers are weak.

Just like old times, huh?

[yelling]

Ohhh...

Oh, you're pretty.

[gunshot]

Really?

A gun?

I hope you don't mind me taking these.

[chuckles]

[coughs] Actually, I do mind.

A lot.

[groans]

Excuse me. I am sorry.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, we should celebrate, huh?

- Oh, yes. - Sushi?

Sake.

Okay, this is not good.

[banging on door]

Sabu, it is I, Ikki-san.

I must speak with you.

Uh, Ikki, go away.

Did you say come in?

No!

Sabu, Sabu!

Sabu!

I can't find you, Sabu!

[scoffs] I--

- Sabu, where are you? - Oh, my God.

Sabu.

You are bleeding.

No, I'm not.

Go away!

Holy Shinto, Sabu. We need to get you a doctor.

[coughs]

Oh, my Sabu!

I am not your Sabu. Now go away.

Who did this to you? Tell me.

I will find him, and I will kill him.

You cannot avenge my death

because you are no match for LaDouche.

[gasps] LaDouche?

Your evil student who's made a mockery of us in America?

No, it's not him. Did I say LaDouche?

No, I'm delirious. Oh! Oh, I see dead people!

It's a sign. It's clear to me.

You had to die for me to fulfill my destiny.

Ikki, did it ever occur to you

that not everything is about you?

No, Sabu, I don't think so.

I will go to America where LaDouche lives,

and I will avenge your death.

[clears throat]

I'm not dead yet.

After you die, of course.

Okay, well, kill me.

Oh, no, Sabu, I could not do that.

Oh, come on.

[groaning]

[thunder rumbling]

I will avenge your death, Sabu!

I will! I will! I will! I will!

I'm not your Sabu. And stop hitting me.

[thunderclap]

[crying]

[thunderclap]

Ikki, I have packed your bento box for your trip.

And...

Oh!

In case you finally get lucky.

Mama-san, please. People will see.

I have little money, but here, take this.

Go see my friend.

He will give you a place to stay.

If he don't remember, give him this gift.

Thank you, Papa-san.

Take care, my son.

Oh, my baby.

- Take care! - Goodbye.

Goodbye, my family.

Bye-bye.

- Okay. - [whimpering]

15 guys would be no problem.

[clears throat]

Sabu.

Kimi, welcome.

I am so sorry you have passed on to the other world.

Thank you. Me, too.

Although it does have its perks.

Hello, girls! Ahh...

Ah, Kimi, I am concerned about Ikki and you.

You've been one of my most loyal and faithful students.

Now I must call on you again.

You must go to America and watch over Ikki

as you would your own brother.

Okay.

Yes.

Okay, go.

Hey, girls! Hello!

- One second. Whoa! - [laughter]

Did you know that I am a ninja master?

Wow...

Die, loser.

Hah!

Loser!

Eat me!

Crystal!

I'm feeling a little light in the biceps.

Oh, that's good juice!

What's next?

I like it.

Honorable Miss, please give my card to Mr. Pall.

He's a dear friend of my Papa-san

and will provide me with a place to stay.

I'm sorry, but the only cards we accept are plastic.

Is Mr. Pall your father?

Yes, it just so happens he is.

Really?

Papa-san say if problem,

I should present Mr. Pall with this gift.

Is there a problem?

I'll take care of this personally.

[bell dings]

♪♪

Hey.

- Hello. - Hi.

You're amazing. You taught me how to be a ninja.

- What? - On the dance machine.

You taught me how to be a ninja.

Wow...

Watch.

[chuckles] Nice.

Now you go. I'll follow.

♪♪ [continues]

Back off, man.

Come on.

I do not want to cause any trouble.

[laughing]

Let me put it to you straight.

You will never be the face of my channel.

You're over.

We've, uh...

made another decision.

Garland, you're kidding me.

[laughs]

Who the hell wants to see that?

You need me.

I will...

[hisses]

make this channel.

You know, there's rumors about you, Ansel,

that you're off your freaking nut.

Now we've had our little meeting.

It's time for you to leave.

No, it's time for you to leave.

This is my office.

This is my channel.

[laughs]

And this is my universe!

You see?

There's that crazy talk.

Now get it through your head.

I would use any of the other action stars

before I'd use you.

Any of them. Get it?

Big news for any of you Ansel LaDouche fans

that exist out there.

Today he was named the spokesperson

for the 24-Hour Fight Channel.

The owner, Garland Jones, had this to say.

[groaning, mumbling]

[grunts]

Thank you, Garland. I am humbled.

Check back for an exclusive interview with Mr. LaDouche

at the headquarters of LaDouche Enterprises

to get the inside story on his, some would say,

surprising comeback.

This is Heidi Holdem for Entertainment Hollywood.

That Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon flying,

I can do that in real life.

Oh, and The Matrix stuff, that was all based on me,

but they made it look simple.

It's something only a few people can do,

and I'm the only one left alive, because, you know...

- Sabu? - I'm a ninja master.

Did I tell you that? I did?

Yeah, I killed 20 men to protect the gold I had

in the mountains in Switzerland.

No, it's not easy being me

with the level of greatness I have to maintain.

Did I tell you that I was a race car driver?

Sabu, this is amazing.

I'm visiting you on the Plane of Enlightenment.

No, you are not, because you are not capable of it.

You are dreaming.

You're not here, and neither am I, okay?

- Sorry, babe. - I don't know, Sabu.

- Looks pretty real to me. - No!

The Plane of Enlightenment is not real to you.

To you, it is what I tell you it is.

And I tell you that it is all in your mind,

and you will never come back.

Wahh...

Sabu, why do tell me those things?

They don't make any sense, and I'm just confused.

You are confused because you are not a ninja. Now go.

Wait, wait. One more thing.

Sabu, if I'm not really here,

then why are you bothering to tell me to leave?

You understand what I'm saying?

I will say one thing one last time.

You are not the Dancing Ninja.

- What about LaDouche? - You can't handle LaDouche!

I don't know who that was.

Sabu, he was on the Plane of Enlightenment.

Is it possible you are wrong?

[grunts] Kimi-san...

I am not wrong. I am never wrong.

Do not question. The plan unfolds as it should.

Sabu, I need to know.

You will stand still four hours!

Do not question me!

Huh! Dead two weeks and no one listens to me.

Just help him!

Your role will become clear!

Ah, kids!

Focus on the mission. The rest will become clear.

B is good.

But I must find him first.

Focus.

Never before in the history of television

has anyone ever dared to bring the viewer

what they really desire.

LaDouche and Jones Enterprises bring you

the Fighting Channel, our 24-hour nonstop brawl

with online offshore gambling.

You will see world-class boxing,

desert combat,

bedroom brawls,

and a full hour of hot animal action.

Oh! 24 hours of blood, guts, and oozing sensuality

for your visual and gambling pleasure,

brought to you by Ansel LaDouche's

Kung Fu Ninja-ciser.

I'm getting good at this.

La-La-La-La-La... Douche.

Well, this is quite a device and quite a place.

Thank you. I designed it myself.

Really? Huh. So shall we get started?

- Roll it! - Great. Shane?

So, Ansel, let's get deep here for a second.

Tell me what makes you get up in the morning?

Alarm clock. [laughs]

You're funny. Seriously, though.

Seriously, Heidi, I just like helping people.

You know, for the last 25 years,

I've studied the mystical teachings

of a great grand master,

a man who I loved deeply,

who taught me how powerful things like giving can be.

I had no idea you were sensitive like this.

Oh, look at me. I'm tearing.

Me, too. Oh...

Ooh! And resetting.

So...

Come on, Ikki. You can do this.

Whoa!

Let me ask you a really tough question, Ansel.

Five years ago, your last film bombed.

You were shunned.

You were outcast.

You were box-office poison.

So you disappeared from the LA scene.

No more movie premieres, no more charity events,

no more weekly card games with the A-list

or B-list, for that matter.

So what was it? Emotional problems?

Insecurity?

Heidi, I'd given so much to so many.

I just needed time to recharge my batteries

to see what I had left.

Hmm. It looks like you've found quite a lot, haven't you?

Yes, I have. [laughs]

I mean, don't you just want to strut your stuff a bit,

flash your peacock feathers and say to the world,

- "Look at me. I'm a douche." - Huh?

I mean, "I'm LaDouche, and I'm here to stay."

I just want to wake up in the morning

and be the best Ansel LaDouche I can be.

♪ I can't stop this feeling ♪

♪ Deep inside of me ♪

♪ Girl, you just don't realize ♪

♪ What you do to me ♪

♪ When you hold me in your arms so tight ♪

♪ You let me know everything's all right ♪

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Hooked on a feeling ♪

♪ And I'm high on believing ♪

♪ That you're in love with me ♪

♪ Ooga shaga Ooga ooga ooga shaga ♪

♪ Ooga ooga ♪

- Aaah! - ♪ Lips as sweet as candy ♪

♪ Your taste is on my mind ♪

♪ Girl, you got me thirsty ♪

♪ For another cup of wine ♪

♪ Got a bug from you, girl ♪

♪ But I don't need no cure ♪

♪ I'll just stay affected ♪

♪ If I can't be sure ♪

♪ All the good love ♪

♪ When we're all alone ♪

♪ Keep it up, girl ♪

♪ Yeah, you turn me on ♪

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Hooked on a feeling ♪

♪ And I'm high on believing ♪

♪ That you're in love with me ♪

[laughs]

Boss!

Business first.

Whoa! Where do you think you're going?

I have to avenge my Sabu's death.

I don't need this crap tonight, all right? Get out of here.

No, I won't.

Yes, you will.

No, I won't.

Yes, you will!

Whoa!

- Whoo! - [laughter]

[laughter]

There's that dude from somewhere in Asia.

Get the boss out of here.

- Get down! - Oh, sh--

You are Kimi from the dojo.

Yes, I am, and Sabu sent me.

Sabu? Did he say anything about my being the Dancing Ninja?

Eh...

No, he didn't.

Perhaps you are and perhaps you are not,

but right now you must fight like him.

Yes, I will.

♪♪ [swing]

Nice scarf.

I'll lead.

Wow.

What the hell's going on?

Ow.

Ikki, we have to get out of here. Let's go.

Who is this guy?

Later. Let's go.

Move! Move!

- [applauding, whistling] - Whoo!

They definitely sent him from the dojo.

You're sure?

I recognized him. He's good.

He had some crazy dance fighting moves.

What?

What?

What did you just say?

Crazy dance fighting moves?

- Oh! It's him. - Who?

The Dancing Ninja. Ohh!

I can't get him out of my brain!

There's something I never told anyone,

something that happened to me when I was nine.

[thunder rumbling]

Ready to read your fortune, little boy?

Mommy, I don't want to do this.

Oh, don't worry, darling.

I'm sure your fortune's going to be fabulous.

Oh!

What does that mean?

You're going to live a long and fruitful life

with lots of happiness and laughter.

[thunder rumbles]

What's that?

Death.

Oh, well, I think we should be going.

Wait.

One more.

Oh!

The worst part is...

she left her a tip.

Find him. Get him.

Kill him.

I don't care how you do it.

Just get it done.

This is where I've been staying.

I know.

Wait. Sabu sent you to protect me?

Yes, he did.

He doesn't believe in me.

He never saw you like I saw you tonight.

You thought I was good?

You were great.

Well, should we go inside?

Yes, I would like that.

I will get you your own room.

It's okay. One will do.

Really?

Yes. One is fine.

[elevator dings]

♪ I've got the feeling ♪

♪ That you kinda maybe sorta maybe want me, too ♪

♪ 'Cause we kick ass together ♪

♪ And I'm thinking you feel the same way I do ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I can almost see it in your eyes, I think ♪

♪ And I think I know what you're saying ♪

♪ 'Cause my fire's burnin' down below ♪

♪ Like the strings of the air guitar I'm playing ♪

♪ Wah wah wah wah ♪

♪ Tell me that you like that ♪

♪ Do you honestly possibly like that ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I can be your ninja boy ♪

♪ And you should be my ninja girl ♪

♪ There ain't nothing ♪

♪ Probably nothing ♪

♪ That could come between us in this whole world ♪

♪ Oh, I could be your ninja man ♪

♪ If I could figure out just who I am ♪

♪ Incognito ♪

♪ On the down low ♪

♪ You'll never see me comin' like I'll never see you comin' ♪

♪ My ninja girl ♪

♪ My ninja girl ♪

♪ My ninja girl ♪

Um, Ikki?

♪ Na-na-na-na-ninja girl ♪

Ikki, are you okay?

Yes, I am fine.

Come on.

Welcome.

Please follow instruction very closely.

First, you must dim lights.

Very important to set mood for happiness pleasure.

Then soft romantic music for her ears' delight.

♪♪ [loud rock]

[tuning]

♪♪ [soft rock]

The flame of a candle will show her that you burn for her.

Ow.

What can you find around you that might smell good?

Fragrance is essential for the happy lovemaking session.

Press menu for next lesson.

Are you coming out?

I'm going to meditate.

Good idea.

Maybe she's shy.

Maybe I should meet her on the Plane of Enlightenment.

Nabu, I know you're there.

May I?

Thank you.

Kimi-san, what's going on here?

Ikki, what are you doing here?

It is not important what I'm doing here.

What is he doing here?

I thought you and me...

W-Wait. You-- You're seeing him?

- Yes. - No.

Stop!

Stop, Nabu!

- Stop fighting! - Let go!

[screams]

♪♪ [soft rock continues]

♪♪

[music stops]

I'm sorry, Ikki, if I misled you.

I'm sorry.

Um, I-- It was just a misunderstanding.

I-I gotta go.

Yeah.

Ikki, don't go.

I need to avenge Sabu's death, Kimi-san.

I do not know what I'm doing here.

I have a plan. Let's go see LaDouche's enemy.

He will convince the police.

No, Kimi-san. Sabu was wrong to send you.

It's my legend.

I'll be fine on my own.

Aah!

The Dancing Ninja grows stronger.

Okay, I get it.

You're on a mission,

and you're a super good ninja hider.

Whatever.

Who are you taking to?

Ninja girl.

What can I do for you, kid?

We share a common enemy.

LaDouche?

LaDouche.

He killed my Sabu.

Why come to me?

I'm from somewhere in Asia.

Who the hell's gonna believe me?

Good point.

Whoa. You were a boxer?

I was a pretty good fighter in my day.

Why, kid?

You fan of boxing?

My father.

Wait, wait.

Son.

Son.

- Son. Oh, my God. - Daddy.

Son.

Daddy-san!

Daddy-san.

It was my fault you were lost at sea.

I was on a fighting tour.

I thought a boat ride and a massage...

It was only supposed to be a three-hour tour.

Then the typhoon hit.

We searched for you, but...

[sighs]

I'm sorry, Ikki.

I failed you.

Daddy-san, to a ninja,

the past is only a ripple in the pond.

You do not need to blame yourself.

But crazy Ansel LaDouche?

Look, I don't want you dealing with him.

He's one dangerous, messed-up dude.

Yes, he is.

But now we have each other, and we can take him together.

Oh, son.

Now I have a Papa-san and a Dad.

That sounds really good to hear, Ikki.

It feels good to say.

Damn good, I bet.

- Hell, yeah! Damn good! - [laughs]

You okay, Ikki?

Dancing Ninja?

More like Dancing Nerd. [laughs]

Put Jones in the car.

Get up! Get up!

You and LaDouche are out of your freaking minds!

Okay.

Mmm!

Hey!

LaDouche is gonna be sorry! I can tell you that!

Here is how it's gonna go, ninja girl.

When your dancing nerd friend wakes up,

you can tell him if he is a good little boy

and takes his ass back to somewhere in Asia,

then after the premiere,

I will let his Papa go.

Good thing we bugged his office, huh, Boss?

[engines start]

I owe this to you, buddy.

Where? Where can I find him? I've looked everywhere.

Where am I supposed to find him?

What skill do I have? You know what I mean?

I got punched by a girl.

That's just... lame.

You know what? Maybe Sabu is right.

Maybe this legend is just a fable.

I mean, I can't be the Dancing Ninja.

Oh, hello.

Here.

You finish that.

I gotta check something out.

♪ Can't you see it's slowly killing me ♪

♪ Your love is like poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪ I should've let it go ♪

♪ But there's no antidote ♪

♪ Your love is like poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪ Your love is like poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪ I should've let it go ♪

♪ But there is no antidote ♪

♪ Your love is like poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪ Can't you see it's slowly killing me ♪

♪ Your love is like poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪ I should've let it go ♪

♪ But there's no antidote ♪

♪ Your love is like poison ♪

♪ Poison ♪

♪♪

♪ Your love is like a poison ♪

♪ Gotta get your number ♪

♪♪

♪ Gotta get your number ♪

♪ Your love is like a poison ♪

[laughs]

So, tell me about your son.

There's nothing to tell.

There's nothing to tell,

other than he was lost at sea,

grew up somewhere in Asia,

has the same Sabu as me,

and now is here in America to avenge his death.

Right.

Other than that...

Tell me something.

Is he the Dancing Ninja?

Did he look like the Dancing Ninja back there?

I don't know. One minute, he's an excellent fighter.

The next minute, he sucks!

I don't know what to tell you, LaDouche!

How can I possibly trust you?

One minute we make a deal,

and now you're keeping secrets from me.

You know you're making me do this, don't you?

Do what?

Dead!

Deader!

Deadest!

When the premiere is over,

you'll have no choice to make a deal with me

because every action star in the world will be dead...

but moi.

Moi?

It's French for "me."

I don't speak French.

C'est la vie!

Who knew LA was so big?

I can't find him anywhere.

Oh, let me help.

Um...

I will change my clothes.

Right. I'll meditate.

Maybe I can find him that way.

Damn it, Ikki, concentrate.

If you can't stop yourself from being a peeping Tom-san,

you're never gonna find your father. Focus.

What? What's the matter?

Kimi-san, you've asked me to trust you,

and now I'm gonna have to ask you to trust me.

Of course. What is it?

The only way that I'll find my father

is if I become the Dancing Ninja.

Sabu said truth only comes when you know a woman.

You know. So, um...

Should I?

Kimi-san, I can see my father!

Keep going.

I know where they are. Let's go.

Oh.

All set, Boss.

He's coming.

The Dancing Ninja grows stronger.

Are you sure you're just not being paranoid?

Why do you think I'm being paranoid?

You keep saying, "The Dancing Ninja grows stronger,"

like once an hour.

The Dancing Ninja grows stronger.

The Dancing Ninja grows stronger.

The Dancing Ninja grows stronger.

Really?

I hadn't noticed.

Let's go.

Unbelievable.

Oh! And just for fun,

that's like the game Taboo.

You say the magic words and boom!

So I wouldn't try and give away my plan away.

Words can--

- Ah, you-- - Get away from me.

Mm!

Bunch of morons.

[crowd cheering]

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to the premiere of the one and only 24-Hour Fighting Channel.

[cheering]

Let me introduce our special guests tonight,

my good friends, Jet Li, Jean Claude Van Damme,

and Mr. Steven Seagal, ladies and gentlemen!

[cheering]

There.

Dad!

Don't say anything. I'm booby trapped.

You say the wrong word, boom.

- But... - No!

- Well, let me-- - No, no! Don't touch anything.

Don't say anything, Ikki. Just listen to me.

You have to stop... L...

L?

La...

La... Oh! Uh...

Yeah.

Yeah, good. Good, good, good.

Yeah.

- Right. - Yeah!

Tonight at the "blank."

- The blank? - I got this one.

Okay.

Come on. Yeah, yeah.

- Yes! - Wow!

You're really good at this, Kimi.

So, listen, tonight at the blank of the Fighting Channel,

there are bombs, but not at the blank.

At the get-together after the blank.

- The get-together? - Yes.

After the blank.

Right, where the ac--

Where the celebrities are.

Ah! Ah, yes, yes, yes. So, so...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Hmm? - Yeah.

Is going to kill the celebrities...

at the get-together after the...

- Yes! - Yes!

Wow! This is fun!

But we should probably go.

Son, good luck.

I wish I could be there with you.

- I love you-- - Don't touch me!

Okay, okay. I love you! Let's go.

Man, I gotta pee.

You should have listened, Dancing Ninja.

[laughs]

They've got him.

Fantastic!

And the after-party?

The timers are set.

Perfect.

And now, the name, the face,

and the living soul of the 24-Hour Fighting Channel,

ladies and gentlemen...

Go, LaDouche!

...the ultimate Ansel LaDouche!

[cheering]

Ohhh... hah!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

And welcome to all of our viewers at home.

Don't forget to log onto our website:

www.betfight.com.

And remember, gamble responsibly.

Tonight is a very historical event,

and I could give a historical speech.

But it's not about me tonight, unfortunately.

It's about one thing.

One thing only.

And what is that?

Fight!

What is that?

Fight!

All right, let's fight!

Hyah!

Come on, ladies!

I can't move.

But we have to get out of here.

How?

You're ready, Ikki. Remember what Sabu showed you.

You must use your power and your hips.

I thought you were the ninja.

I remember.

[grunts]

[sighs] It's not working.

Proceed at your own risk

when you face this feisty feline in the pick chiffon.

From Boca Raton, Babette Bombeck.

[cheering]

And her opponent,

from a trailer in Kentucky, Denise Marie.

Shut up!

[booing]

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up!

It is no use.

What are we gonna do?

Fulfill the legend.

I am ready, Ikki.

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Ohh! Ah!

No, no, no.

Kimi-san, this is not right.

You do not burn for me like I burn for you.

I'll find another way.

Wait, Ikki.

I do burn for you.

Ikki, it is you I want.

♪ Don't let us go Give me one more chance ♪

♪ Before we crash and burn ♪

Ahh! Holy Shinto.

♪ Before ♪

♪ Before we crash and burn ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Before we crash and burn ♪

Ow.

[beeping]

♪♪

My hand, my hand.

[cheering]

My hair, my hair.

[screams]

Ow. Sorry.

[cheering]

Aaahhh... Unh!

[gasps]

That felt good.

Really good.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Wait your turn.

What's he doing here? You said you had him.

- We did. - No, you didn't.

- Yes, we did. - No, you didn't.

Yes, we did. But now we don't.

Obviously, you didn't, so go get him.

Oh, my God! Steven Seagal! Steve-o! You rock!

Go say hi, guys.

Get out of my way! Get out of my way!

There's got to be a quicker way to the door.

Get out of my way!

Follow me.

♪♪

Wow! It's Steven Seagal!

You're my favorite action star.

I loved you in that movie Jonathan Livingston Seagal.

Can I have your autograph?

Hi, how are you? Nice to see you tonight.

Good to see you. Good fights, huh? Okay.

All the bombs in place?

All but one. It's still in the limo.

Oh, well, that's nice,

because obviously our goal here is to blow up the limo!

It is?

No, you idiot. I'm being sarcastic.

Okay, get the bomb out of the limo. Bring it to me.

Find Crystal. Bring her to me. You think you can do that?

No way.

- What? - I was being sarcastic, too.

Just do it! Do it!

"I was sarcastic, too."

Dance time, LaDouche.

You can't stop me and save the action stars.

The bombs are in the goodie bags.

They're as good as dead. [laughs]

They go off in less than a minute.

Even the Dancing Ninja can't be in two places at once.

Make your choice.

Bombs? Uh, would you hold on a second?

You mean these bombs right here?

I searched the building,

and these were the only ones I could find.

They're yours, right?

You'll kill us both, you idiot!

Oh. Unh!

Get 'em!

♪♪

Hi-yah!

Advanced mode.

I do not know who I am.

Finding your true self

comes from the enlightenment of knowing a woman.

I've heard there is a legend.

The ninjas of legend are cold and hard,

but the inside burns like fire.

Ikki, it's you.

Is he the Dancing Ninja?

- I have to be him. - It's you.

- I have to be him. - It's you.

The legend of the Dancing Ninja.

[echoes]

[yells]

Ikki, look out!

Hello, ninja girl. May I have this dance?

Ikki, help!

That's my girlfriend.

[yells]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[grunts]

[gasps] Ikki, the bomb!

Oh! Ohh!

[screaming]

Oh...

This is gonna hurt.

[chuckles]

Now, where were we?

♪ Where you been I waited so long ♪

♪ Until today it's been the same old song ♪

♪ I've been down and I've been alone ♪

♪ Now there's something I gotta know ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪♪ [continues]

♪ Get up This is good as it gets ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ This is good as it gets ♪

♪ As good as it gets ♪

♪♪

♪♪ [continues]

Do you LaDouche?

Somewhere in Asia, a ninja was born.

But to dance or fight?

He was torn.

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Oh, let's do it ♪

♪ I play LaDouche Don't miss my name ♪

♪ I'm the richest one with the most fame ♪

♪ You employ the martial arts ♪

♪ It's hard to resist my irresistible charm ♪

♪ This crazy movie will go far ♪

♪ With Lucas Grabeel as the musical star ♪

A Dancing Ninja?

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Sweet and brave ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Who will you save ♪

Hey!

♪ Korean Kimi was her name ♪

♪ She's so hot she'll drive you insane ♪

♪ Bree Turner got legs for days ♪

♪ She's so hot she shook up her game ♪

♪ Gary Hudson, he's so cool ♪

♪ Be careful, though He a dancing fool ♪

A Dancing Ninja? A Dancing Ninja?

A Dancing Ninja? A Dancing Ninja?

What the--

A Dancing Ninja?

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Sweet and brave ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Who will you save ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

What the--

A Dancing Ninja?

♪ Patrick Gallagher as Sabu brings chi to the film ♪

♪ I like Sabu ♪

♪ Directed by Kelly the hero of the movie ♪

♪ Working with him was so groovy ♪

♪ When you exit the theater don't walk down the aisle ♪

♪ Move to the groove dancing ninja style ♪

A Dancing Ninja?

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Sweet and brave ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Who will you save ♪

♪ Dancing Ninja ♪

♪ Sweet and brave ♪

[toilet flushes]

Oh, I tell ya, that boy can sure cut a rug!

Yee-hah!