All language subtitles for Bio Dome 1996--

Over the last few years,
mankind has been witness

to a continual parade
of environmental disasters,

leaving many searching for a ray of hope
in an already bleak landscape.

This is it, isn't it? Oh, jeez.

Look at this. Look at this!
And it's mine.

The place is the Arizona desert.

A team of scientists and investors,
led by Dr Noah Faulkner,

has come together to create
the first space station on Earth,

a self-contained world,
a pure environment,

unspoiled, unpolluted, a world
that no longer exists outside.

This Earth Day, Dr Faulkner and four
carefully chosen, qualified scientists

will seal themselves inside,
their mission to sustain life for one year

while living in harmony with nature.

Welcome to Bio-Dome! Congratulations,
Bio-Dome Five, and good luck!

On your steady shoulders rest the hopes
and dreams of the scientific community,

and perhaps the very survival
of the human race.

OK, ready?

Paper covers rock! You lose, Buckwheat!

Sorry, you're gonna
have to assume the position.

Cos I'm the king,
and you're the peasant.

I win, you lose!

- OK, you ready?
- Copy that, Squirly Control.

- Stubby!
- Squirly!

Should've been harder.

Perfect.

Hi, Mo-Mo!
Porky! Thanks for coming over!

Hey, Budly.

- You guys ready to go?
- See, that's the thing. Uh...

You know we're meant to go with you
to this thing in the park?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Don't mimic me.
- Don't mimic me.

Listen, we can't go.
Doyle had a bad accident.

- What?!
- I'll show you.

- Look at his wrist. It's quivering.
- My God! What happened?

- I'm no doctor, but I think he's braindead.
- Yeah. And?

Um... Well, in tribute
to Earth Day, right,

Doyle was up on the couch
trying to take down the mahimahi,

and set it free.

Free mahimahi! Free mahimahi!
if you will, and then kaboom!

Gravity snatched the poor little boy,
and he fell down like a rag doll.

This wouldn't be one of your
convenient accidents, would it?

Monique, look. You call a huge welt
in the guy's head an accident?

I can't make that up. See?

- Huh?
- Please let me out, Mommy.

Or at least slide
another pancake under the door.

Oh, my poor Doyly. I'll nurse you.

OK, let's play nurse.

- I smell a scam.
- No, it's Doyle. He's got a quivery colon.

Damn it, but you guys promised
to help us pick up trash today.

Yeah. Earth Day's all about
saving the environment.

You're thinking too globally.
You have to act locally.

We need to stay here and help Doyle
merge on the road to recovery.

All right, Bud. You win - again.

Win?! This isn't a contest, Monique.
It's not a game here.

Come on. Give me a kiss.

Come on. It's not my fault
his brain cramped up.

You little dick!

Brain cramp my butt! The only thing
that hit Doyle's head is this book!

I can't believe you'd crack Doyle's skull
just to get out of this!

You don't understand.
The book fell on him. I mean...

- He fell on the book. They collided.
- Bullshit!

It is just like you to try to weasel out
of your responsibilities on Earth Day.

This is "Hands Across America"
all over again!

- I had arthritis.
- Farm Aid?

- I had fleas.
- The Save the Whales rally?

- Salt water makes Doyle bloat?
- You guys are pathetic.

Thanks for coming, Mo... Mo.

- Face it. We are dating primates.
- They're getting better.

They're taking yoga.
And you're the one who keeps raving

about how flexible Bud is getting.

There is something about a man
who can lick his own back.

- We just have to be patient.
- Freeing the mahimahi?

What kind of mind
thinks up crap like that?

- They should be taught a lesson.
- They should be punished.

This is Uncle Fred,
from the Carolina School of Bartending...

What are you doing? Grab it. Eat it!

The opportunities available
to bartenders today...

The one with the corn!

Mm! You like it.

Good one.

Johnson residence, Bud MacIntosh here.

That's my name.
Ask me once, I say the same.

Hey, Budweezer.

The girls.

Hey, Mo-Mo.
How's the sanitation detail going, huh?

It's great, but we're gonna split.

These guys from Arizona Tech
are taking us to a kegger at Vasquez Lake.

What?! You met men?
Of the male persuasion?

Oh, and they're on the swim team.

- Please hold.
- What's goin' on? What?

Monique, Doyle and I
just talked it over,

and we decided you cannot go to that
kegger party with the swimmers, OK?

- What are you talkin' about?
- Hold on, guys. We're coming.

Whatever, Bud.

Doyle, our girls have been seduced
by breaststrokers.

They bought it!

- Swimmers!
- Uh-huh.

Do you know how many diseases
there are in pools?

- Especially after we swim in them.
- I know.

I can't believe this! Shaved-down
pool Nazis oiling up our women, man!

And swimming with them
in an Olympic-size toilet.

You ever see
the bathing suits they wear?

Grape smugglers.

Can you believe those girls?

I mean, it's not like we're
not into saving the environment.

All's I know is,
I'm not gonna lose my beloved

to some steroid-friendly,
web-footed, porpoise-prissy punk!

Don't worry about it, though. I think
when they see we've gotten off the couch,

- they're gonna go into seizures.
- You think?

Total.

Mm. Check out that mall, man.

Woah. Must be the grand opening.

Bio-Dome.

- Think that means it goes both ways?
- I don't know, but we do!

Um... I don't think there's a kegger
at Vasquez Lake, Doyle.

We've been had, Squirly.

Makes you proud knowing we got
such crafty girlfriends, though.

- We're lucky guys.
- Mm-hm. That's for sure.

- Vasquez Lake?
- More like Vasquez Craphole.

- There used to be fish here, remember?
- Yes, I do, Doyle.

A long time ago,
when we were kids, right?

Leave Bud alone, Mom.

I'm teaching Bud how to
hold his breath underwater.

Much better, Bud.
Now let's try for three minutes.

- Those were the days.
- Yeah, I'll say.

Hey! Don't leave that there, Stub.

- Free refills with proof of purchase seal.
- Nice call.

Tribal!

- I gotta take a piss.
- Can you cork it?

- Negatory.
- OK. Let's go at the mall.

- Welcome to Bio-Dome!
- Welcome to the future!

Welcome to the place
I'm going to drain my lizard.

Viva Las Bio-Dome!

Viva Las Bio-Dome!

After all our careful planning,

the many years of meticulous research
and experimentation,

our dream is finally at hand.

Viva Las Bio-Dome!

Viva Las Bio-Dome!

Rip Van Tinkle-fest.

...Dr Noah Faulkner.

Thank you. Thank you.
We stand today at the bridge to a future

where man and the ecosystem
can live in harmony,

and make it possible for us not only
to balance our own fragile planet,

but one day to sustain life
on new worlds far, far away.

You have entrusted us
with an awesome responsibility.

Huh, swift, swift, huh, swift, swift...

- Ho! Ho!
- Whoa! Whoa!

- How can I help you fellas?
- Is it OK if he goes and pees in your mall?

It didn't occur to him to go at the lake
and he can't cork it.

- Back off, punks.
- Sir, yes, sir!

Loosen up, bacon boy. Just wanna go in
and take a pee, and then we gotta go.

- Yo, word up with that, G!
- You girls wanna get physical?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Exhale, Stubbs.
- I kill you.

Whoa! A little demonite...

Exhale, Stubbs. Go! Sorry about this.

Please, I would like
to introduce my team:

Miss Olivia Biggs, our geologist.

Mr TC Romulus, our entomologist.

Miss Petra Von Kant, our oceanographer.

And Miss Mimi Simkins,
our agriculturalist.

I can't do it here.
Tiny Elvis has stage fright.

Just think of the water. Just...
Come on, just let it go. Hurry.

I can't do it here.

Hey, come on. Give me your smoke.

With the cutting of this ribbon, a new era
in science and technology begins.

- What are you doing?
- Watch.

Over there on the grassy knoll!
Assassins! Assassins!

- Holy Kennedy!
- A little secret...

Section two, code three. 10-4.

- What kind of mall is this?
- There's no stores, or food courts,

or toiletries.

There's gotta be a toiletry
around here somewhere.

Now look at all the vegetation
for your fertilisation.

Well, it seems as if someone
was a little eager to celebrate!

God bless you. I know how you feel.

I've been waiting for this moment
for a long time.

Give me the scissors.

Warning. Warning.

Warning. Toxins being introduced
in the rain forest.

Homeostasis is at 99. 1%.

- Here we go.
- See you in a year.

Good luck!

- Are you OK?
- Mm. Pulled a nad.

Let's get out of this Jurassic Mall,

find the girls, and take care of
what we need to take care of.

Look! Look!

- Get them out of there!
- Oh, my God.

Um, Doyle...

- I don't think this is a mall.
- Get them out of there!

- You gotta be kidding me!
- My bug!

Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch!

Here we go. Here we go.

Mr Leaky, has there been some kind
of security breach? Who are these men?

Has the Bio-Dome been contaminated?

No, no. Ladies and gentlemen,
surprise, surprise.

We are pleased to announce the arrival
of our two special scientists.

- Beam me up, Stubby.
- Jim! He's a Vulcan!

This pre-planned addition
to Team Bio-Dome

is intended to simulate the Chaos Theory
as we encounter it in nature.

We'll have plenty more information on this
a little later on and I'll get back to you,

but as you see,
right now we have work to do.

Work to do!

Who could be stupid enough
to think Bio-Dome was a mall?

Bud MacIntosh and Doyle Johnson.

Generation-X road kill
on the superhighway of progress.

They're not terrorists,
they're college students from Tucson.

They really did think it was a mall.

- Get them out now!
- The doors are sealed for one year.

I can't open the doors. If I do, the integrity
of all the scientific data is compromised.

Everything depends
on the precise time frame of one year!

Screw the time frame!
I have $100 million invested in this,

and I don't intend to lose it
because two twits from Tucson

can't tell a mall toilet
from a damned rain forest!

Squirl, break the ice.

- Excuse me, Miss. Are you tired?
- I beg your pardon.

- Are you tired?
- No. Why?

Cos you've been running
through my mind all day.

Excuse me, Miss.

If you were a yoghurt, would you be
fruit at the bottom, or stirred?

This is your problem. Fix it.

- Then they have to stay.
- All our preparation was for five people.

Adding two more
will throw the system off balance.

Then the system... will adapt.

- Did it hurt?
- Did what hurt?

When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?

Bud! Doyle! Hello!

I'm Dr Noah Faulkner. You may recognise
me from my Bio-Dome films on television.

Are you the guy with the spray-on hair?

Anyway, as I'm sure you already know,

you have stumbled
into an exciting new world.

Tell me, have you ever
dreamt of being famous?

When I was a kid I wanted to be a rock
star cos I could do this with my finger.

But as I got older I realised
that the corporate rock world sucked.

And besides, you only knew one song.

Iron Man, Iron Man,
does whatever an iron can

- Pancake-flat, like a glove...
- Hold it!

That's "Spider-Man".
Black Sabbath did "Iron Man".

Oh, come on!
What, do you think you're so... smart?

Do you think
you're some rocket scientist?

- Yes.
- Sorry.

What do you boys want out of life?

To die and come back as a leotard.

Well...

I may be able to offer you
a springboard to that future.

- We would like you to stay with us.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, man.

You guys aren't one of those
freaky clans, are you?

Dancing naked, you want us
to take off our clothes,

- and feed us some weird punch?
- No.

Damn! We almost had it.
It was this close.

Boys, this is where you'll be staying,
and I want you to feel right at home.

Wah, wah, wah

We'd be obliged if we could get
some nice cushy beds with magic fingers.

Like the ones at the mall that
the big tourists lie in for free.

They just plop down,
the little kids are around them.

"Daddy, look at the little thing!"
And it just rolls...

Ow! Ow! I have a sciatic!

- Actually, we have no extra beds.
- Can we just get our own mattress?

- Sorry, no.
- Here, guys.

- Petra and I can live without this stuff.
- I know it's not much.

Hey, have you ever been
with a squirrel and a stub?

For the pillow.

You lose the pillow! For the blanket.

You lose the blanket!

For fun.

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep either.

Let's go find us some beds.

Get out of here!

Wake up! Smell the coffee.

Good morning, and congratulations, all.
We have survived night one.

Congratulations, Doyle!

And the best thing is,
homeostasis was maintained all night.

No!

No!

It is bad enough that for the next year
I must share my air, food and water

with these... Neanderthals.

But I will not share
my tools of hygiene!

Relax! It's sanitised.
I dunked it in Olivia's Scope.

- Simian!
- Dick!

Look, you guys are the ones
that wanted us to stay.

Think back. "Springboard into the future".
We didn't prepare for this voyage.

We need clean teeth too, all right?
His teeth... Look.

You are absolutely right.

You should be brought up to speed.
It is time for a tour.

Boys. Boys! From here you can see
all the regions of the Bio-Dome:

The rain forest, the tropical lagoon,
the farm, and the great desert.

Every effort was made
to duplicate them precisely,

and all of this is your home now.

But remember, the survival of this system
is dependent upon homeostasis.

That means a balance
within an enclosed system itself.

Faulkner?

Could we get some binoculars?

Let's make a rule:

Everything that you did at home,
you're forbidden to do here.

Everything?

Shave poochie-poochie.

Shave poochie-poochie.

- Everything.
- OK.

- All right.
- Don't move.

- I'll be right back.
- I got a wicked itch on my nads.

Don't move!

Bud, I got a wicked itch on my nads.

Faulkner said don't move.

I can't take it any more!
I can't take it any more!

Well, I guess this means
we're our own tour guides.

All right. Now, everybody,
do not feed the animals, stay together,

and no flash photography.

Remember, at Bio-Dome we're dependent
on balancing homos within the system.

OK. Now, everybody stay with the group.
Follow me. This way.

Jerk! You shouldn't have hit me so hard.

No, wait. Come here, come here.

- Hey! There's no knob here!
- Oh, God. Here we go.

Olivia, what's with this door?
It's not opening.

Of course it won't open.
It won't open again for an entire year.

Nothing comes in, nothing goes out.
Not even air.

It would take a Sherman tank
to open that door.

- Hmm... So what you're saying is...
- You can't get out.

- We're stuck here.
- For 12 months.

- That's right.
- 12 months?

- 52 weeks.
- Yes!

Three hundred and eighty-five days?!

Yes. Yes. Yes!

So what you're really trying to say is?

Stubby Squirly tribal!

I'm a Sherman tank!

Sherman tank!

Doyle, Doyle, Doyle of the jungle

Friend to you and me

Watch out for that tree!

Bom bom bom-bom-bom... Where'd you go?

Where did you come from?

My mom and the authorities are still
trying to figure that out, but hey.

- D'you know there's a jungle in here?
- Yes, I do.

Well, whoever thought of putting a jungle
in Arizona is a pretty smart guy.

Woah! Barbarella!

- What are you doin', making smoothies?
- No.

Nature is about miracles, Bud.

A goat is a miracle.

A carrot is a miracle.

And you're a miracle too, Petri.

What's up, Doc?

Why are you putting him
in the rice paddy?

Tilapia are an integral part
of our food supply.

- They eat the algae then fertilise the rice.
- So then these... tipatilia,

they're goin' unh-unh on the rice?

"Unh-unh"?

- I mean crappin' on the rice.
- Well, in crude layman's terms, yes.

Does Uncle Ben know about this?

So, um... Hey, I know yoga. Look.

Do it like that. And sometimes
I can lick my back, too. Watch.

Petra!

The tide monitor needs attention.

When I really stretch, I can...

- Thank you.
- Hey, wait! Don't go anywhere.

Maybe I'll show you
some other manoeuvres later.

- Ow! God, my sciatic.
- Squirly, Squirly! You gotta come quick.

You gotta come see this.

- Your sciatic? It's bad?
- Hit it!

Ohh! You should have seen
what she did with a carrot!

Russell, there's beer cans in the trash in
the kitchen, in the trash in the bathroom,

and in the trash in the basement.

- What does that say?
- We're out of beer?

Mom, please tell your love slave

that if he's not part of the solution,
he's part of the problem.

The only problem I have
is that I've run out of Depends.

Russell, there is a bathroom
right around the corner.

I cannot go to the bathroom.
I hurt my bladder rollerblading.

Hey, look at that. There's that guy Bob
I chased out of here the other day.

Bud?!

Earth Day to Earth Day.

- That's a long time to be locked away...
- They're on TV!

- Can you believe it?!
- ... this is Joachim West reporting.

I told you we were into nurturing
Mother Earth, but you didn't believe us.

Now you guys are thinking locally,
and we're acting globally!

- Just get out of there.
- We can't.

We signed up. We're part of the few.

- Part of the problem!
- It's an important biological experiment.

- You'll ruin everything.
- Maybe you're not aware of it,

but we're a vital part
of the homeosystem.

Don't you think your couch
is having withdrawals?

So what are we supposed to do?
Wait a year for you guys to get out?

Mo-Mo and Porkchop, there comes
a time in life when we must sacrifice

what is most dear to us
for the greater good of saving the world,

and now is that time.

- Is that how you really feel?
- No. This is how I really feel.

Budly! There's people around.

I know. I miss you.

I'm proud of you.

So I guess this is goodbye.

I guess.

Attention. Dinner is served.

Well... We gotta go. Bye.

Bye.

Day one in the books.

Cheers, mate.

- What's with this Kibble?
- Are you guys trying to poison us?

- You don't like soy casserole?
- It tastes like it came out of Romulus.

Maybe it did.

Soy is our principal source of protein.
You'll learn to love it.

Could you at least make it taste
like chicken? A bouillon base, paprika...

Spice it up a little? Otherwise
I'm gonna shrivel up like a supermodel.

- I am so fat!
- No, you're not.

- Nobody likes me.
- You're beautiful.

- People didn't like me in high school.
- Everybody loves you.

Oh, thank you! You're so sweet, Naomi.

Avez-vous une cigarette?

Squirly, are you asleep, man?

Squirl!

Are you sleepin'?

- What'd you have to hit me for?
- I can't sleep.

Oh...

Hey, just think back
to those sleepovers we used to have.

If you think back,
then maybe you'll be able to sleep.

- OK.
- OK.

What's up, buddy? Cos I'm the weasel.

OK, my turn.

Peanut butter and jelly with bacon.
That's easy.

Good call, man! Keep on cruisin'.
Keep on goin'.

Keep on goin' down the line.

Mixed green salad with 1000...
blue cheese dressing.

Rad, dude! That was fully major.
Your beaker always knows, buddy.

Keep on cruisin'. Come on, buddy.
It's OK. Keep on cruisin'.

Wait. It's over here now.

Yo, Mone. Check it out. Your friends
Bob and Darryl are gettin' tail.

- Assholes!
- If I were you, Mone,

I'd go out and hump for the next year.

If I were you, Russ,

I'd have my mouth full of shotgun
with my toe on the trigger.

It's frightening how much you want me.

Stubby! "Thriving on Chaos"!

Those'll sell better
than Iron Maiden merch.

Let's hope so. I just want
you gentlemen to remember

how important you are
to this whole experiment.

Feel free to contribute. You are
an integral part of the Bio-Dome system.

Um... Since you put it that way,

we were thinking of you producing
maybe environmental condoms,

so when you... rip the packet,
it's automatic sap lubrication.

No chalk on the bark. And then
when you're pollinating your flower...

Slide, slide, slipperty-slide.
Just smooth.

- Right in.
- And the Bud and Doyle action figures.

- Action figures.
- Anatomically correct, of course.

And last but not least,
1-900-SQUIRLY-STUB.

Watch this.

- Hi, I'm Doyle.
- And I'm Bud.

And when we're not out
saving the environment,

we're thinking of you, naked,
thigh-deep in tofu.

You likey, Leaky?

Our home is the Garden of Eden!

More like the Garden of Boredom,
and I'm chairman of the bored.

Come on, Stub. We can have our own fun.

Remember the time the Magnavox
went out? What did we do?

Fly, Mary Poppins!
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Can we do it again, Squirly?

- Those were the days.
- Cheer up, buckaroo.

Just cos we're stuck in a bubble
doesn't mean we can't cause any trouble.

We're the everlasting force

of Squirly!

Stubby!

You ready? Hut one, hut two,
hut, hut, hike!

- Let me through!
- No!

- Come on, let me through.
- No!

- Neon Deion!
- No fair!

- No fair! Personal foul!
- You want some of me?

I told you
you shouldn't have had some of me.

Squirly!

Fish on the play!

My proposal
is that we plant these seeds.

And I know you're thinkin'
"Illegal! Illegal!"

But the value of purple sticky punge
goes way beyond just tokin' it.

- Ain't that right, Professor Johnson?
- That's correct, Professor MacIntosh.

Purple sticky punge, or hemp,
is an excellent source of paper.

�It makes a fine rope.

It can even make
a contaminant-free fuel.

But the greatest value to us Bio-Domers
is its rapid rate of photosyninthesis,

which means more oxygen for everyone.

On three... Three!

Cannonball!

- There you go, Mr Bloom.
- Thanks, girls.

Tell Bud and Doyle
I'm writin' a song about them, OK?

Cool!

- Mone!
- Oh, God.

Check it out. This is the event
you've been waiting for.

The Annual at Arizona Tech, a three-day
blowout to benefit the rain forest.

There's gonna be, like, seminars
and lectures, and kegs and dudes galore.

- Monique, we cannot go to this.
- Why not, pray tell?

- Do the names Bud and Doyle ring a bell?
- A year's a long time to wait.

- Do you know how old we'll be in a year?
- Old.

- Real old. - As in not spring chickens,
over the hill...

OK, OK, OK!

Plus, did you see the pictures
of the chicks they're in there with?

- They're hot.
- So? I trust Doyle.

Listen, I love Bud
just as much as you love Doyle.

But we gotta start thinking
about ourselves. They are.

Oh... OK.

- Now, pay attention, Soave Bolla.
- You're king, I'm peasant.

Good afternoon, Petri dish.

May-may.

Perhaps you'd like to join us
for a little apéritif on the ridge.

Allow me to present...
Chateau Squirly Stub.

It's a bit plucky, a bit fruity perhaps,

but it'll satisfy your palate,
especially with a big piece of pork.

So that's what happened
to our fruit harvest?

You're incorrigible.

- I think they're into us.
- In a huge way.

Mini tribal.

- Marco!
- Cholo!

- Marco!
- Cholo!

Look. Biodegradable pineapple.

Olivia, Romuli. Why don't you guys
join us for a little soak?

That's not for bathing.
This is the artificial rain generator.

Whoo! It just got a little warmer.

- There's nothing artificial about that.
- A little acid rain.

They dominate a number of pivotal
processes occurring in the soil,

and that's what makes this so exciting.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here are Bud and Doyle.

Doyle! What's the hot gossip
on the inside?

I can't make any comment at this time,

but all I know is, if I see one more
massive orgy, I'm movin' to Tibet.

And Faulkner? Quit hogging the KY!

Thirty-one,

forty-two, sixty-nine,

seventy-four...

A hundred... a thousand!

Here I come!

Rombo! You gotta hide me.

Not in here! You'll upset my bugs.

Look out! It's...

May I help you?

- What are these guys?
- Well...

They're two of the rarest
lepidoptera in the world.

Leppard?
Didn't their drummer lose an arm?

No. They're butterflies
from the Brazilian rain forest.

So are you tryin'
to get 'em to start porking?

Actually, yes. In nature, the chances
of these two finding each other,

or porking ,

are very remote.

We hope to breed thousands here.

Easy, Rombo.

- Got ya!
- You gotta take me first!

Mothra! Come back, Mothra!
Please come back, Mothra!

Lepidoptera!

- Monique, should we be doing this?
- Yes!

Jen, we are not doing anything wrong.
Besides, it's to save the rain forest.

- Denise.
- Roach.

One word: Raid.

Hey, man.

She thinks she's cool cos she hangs out
with Bud and Doyle's girlfriends.

- She digs me, though.
- Are those Bud and Doyle's girlfriends?

- Yeah.
- Put that back.

Excuse me. Are you guys
done with those beers?

Thanks, but we're having
too much fun sober.

We were just going around
trying to collect empties and recycle 'em.

- Oh! Well, here, take this.
- Take mine.

- There's a lot of waste at these parties.
- That's awfully noble of you.

It's just what we're compelled to do.

We're having a fête to save the rain forest.
If you guys'd like to show your support...

- It's not gonna be like this, is it?
- Not at all.

- It's gonna be decent.
- It's at the quad.

OK, we'll be there.
We'll see you tomorrow. Thanks.

Noah, it's been a nonstop moronathon,

and I did not dedicate my life to science
to baby-sit a couple of baboons.

They eat like savages. At the rate
they're going, we'll run out of foodstuffs.

They're going to ruin everything.

Sliced it!

Damn it, Billy.
Damn it, damn it, damn it.

How am I supposed to hit a double birdie
with my bogey billy with a shower iron?!

You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends!

- Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.
- Come on, Billy.

Anatomically correct.

Are you sure this flypaper's gonna work?

Positive. It's really sticky. My dad
used it to line my playpen all the time.

So you must have been stuck
in this position a lot.

Help, Daddy! Please, get me down!
I wet my Huggies! Nobody loves me!

OK! I'll shut up!

CD-ROM! You gotta come with us quick.
We got a big surprise for ya.

You've been diagnosed with Ebola,
and you're about to bleed out?

No... Doyle's got a boner
and he wants to put it in your ear.

No, there's a really big surprise.
We want you to come with us, please.

If it's about Faulkner's third nipple,
don't bother. I know that.

- Faulkner's got three nipples?
- Yeah.

- Cool. Come on.
- Come on, let's go. Hurry.

Rommy, we felt pretty awful
when we let all your bugs out.

We promised we wouldn't get a wink
of sleep until we brought back every bug.

You mean you found my bugs?

Look!

- Giant flypaper!
- I think we got all the little 'squitos,

but there's still
a couple flapping right there.

No! The horror! The pain!

Come on!

We're sorry!

What I wouldn't do
for just a Big Mac right now.

Dude! Don't even say that word.

Two all-beef patties, special sauce,
lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, boy!

On a sesame-seed bun.

Bladder buster, no ice...

- Breakfast burrito.
- I can't take it any more!

I gotta get outta here.

We should just relax a little before
Chaulkner chills out, don't you think?

What's he gonna do? Expel us?

You're right, Stub. You're right.
We own this place.

- The whole world!
- The whole world.

Hey. OK, turn into a table.

Uppity-up. OK, you're pretty steady
on all fours. Get me up.

Right down here.

- Are you sure?
- Look, I can tell it.

My beak has got a hunch,
like a Doberman pinscher.

OK, the coast is clear.

Stop... OK. Come down.

- This is it. Open it up.
- Are you sure?

- Bring it down.
- All right.

Come on. Be careful.

This is the one. I know
there's food in there. I can feel it.

I can feel the aroma.

- Ohh!
- Hey, Squirl?

If we blow up,
it's been nice knowin' you, OK?

OK. Open it.

Right?

Didn't I tell you? Huh?
Who's the master? Who's the king?

- Squirly!
- Who's the shrewdest?

Let's eat!

We have Chippies, we have Chippies,
we got lots of stuff to eat

- Is that laughing gas?
- No way.

Turn it on.

Let me try it, let me try it. Let go.

Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet.
Oh, I'm slutty! Oh, I'm slutty!

I don't feel anything. You?

Me neither. You?

Nothin'.

It's raining, it's pouring,
the old man is snoring

I gotta have Spam.
I feel like a duck-billed platypus.

Goin' halves?

Perfect... Squirly!

Anything?

I didn't feel anything. Nothing!

Nitrous oxide? Are you crazy?

What the hell is going on here?!

- The desert? But we'll starve.
- Not necessarily.

It is life on a taut tensile line, but
the desert is an integral part of nature.

Unbelievable. So this is how
it's gonna be? Vamos. Get outta here.

You guys go your thing,
and we go, go, go our thing?

Yes. The idea being that
while we are here, you are there.

Like we even want to hang with you guys
anyways any more, OK?

We're gonna go start our own Bio-Dome.

One with a dome within a dome.
So don't come knockin' on our door!

D'you understand?
All we need are two helpers.

So, girls, come with us, cos as you know,
girls are an integral part of nature too.

Come on.

We still got each other, Squirl.

You won't have to eat any more
of that food. Don't worry.

- Petri... Romu...
- Girls, don't do this.

Girls? I can't see you.

- I'm so hungry.
- We gotta get outta here.

We gotta get outta here.

Bud? I don't wanna have to eat you.

I don't want you to eat me either.

Squirl, the Grim Reaper
is breathing down our necks.

It's not lookin' too good.

There's something I have to
get off my chest before we die.

Remember that really cute little teeny tiny
turtle you had when we were growin' up

that disappeared and they put
your kitty-cat to sleep for eating him?

What really happened was
that I stepped on him

then flushed him down the toilet
and let the cat take the rap.

- Frisky?
- He went down like a champ, Squirl.

Remember your uncle divorced your aunt
for sleeping with that flamingo dancer?

Her children disowned her,
the church shunned her,

she started a drinking binge?

That flamingo dancer's outfit
he found was mine.

My mom was trying to make me
take lessons to impress the neighbours.

So I took the outfit, I hid it in
Aunt Flo's bedroom, I said I got mugged.

Aunt Flo's insane now.

Yeah, but she has her independence.

Remember the great fire of 1979
that supposedly started in your garage

when that chipmunk ingested fertiliser
then fell onto a can of kerosene,

instantly turning him into a fluffy
little Molotov cocktail that set ablaze,

levelling the whole neighbourhood
west of Newton's hardware store?

You started that fire?

No. But that was pretty cool, huh?

- Noah?
- Can we talk to you?

Yes.

We're concerned about Bud and Doyle.
We think they've been there long enough.

- Do you?
- Yes. We can't just leave them there.

- They can't survive.
- It would be murder.

No... It's progress.

We're culling the herd.

They are a symbol of everything
that is wrong with this world.

They don't care. They don't matter.

Doyle? There's a tasty dactyl.

Got him, Squirl.

I wanna eat you.

I wanna eat it with the frog leg.

Squirl, wait! Wait!

A key!

No way.

Parking tickets?!

No!

- What am I gonna do?!
- After all we've done...

- Oh, my... A boot!
- I can't believe it!

I can't believe they would put a boot
on a Bio-Dome scientist's car!

It's not like we didn't try
and help the ecological system.

Aw, don't cry, Doyle. It's OK.

Come on. We'll get you some food.
A little bladder buster?

Hey, coach! Pizza!

Stop, stop, stop!

Here are the pizzas. The bladder buster's
free cos I couldn't find the damn place.

Russell?!

- Bob!
- How'd you get a job?

- Fucking President Clinton.
- You had sex with President Clinton?

That's really cool.
So, how's my juicy treat?

She and that other bimbo,
they picked up two guys at Arizona Tech.

They're having a party
to save the environment.

- You owe me $57.50, plus a tip.
- What does "in the flesh" mean?

I don't know, but I think
it has something to do with tassels.

- You gotta take us to this party!
- Right now!

I got pies to deliver.
Get off the goddamn car!

Russell!

Can you believe this? The whole
ATU campus is probably being overrun

by some touchy-feely
save-the-environment mania,

- and guess who's right in the middle of it?
- Our chicks.

They're probably swapping Mark Spitz
with those grape smugglers!

No preppy blowhard steals my chick
without a fight. First Frisky, now this.

- All I know is, someone's goin' down!
- Hey, hey! Put the gun away, Stub.

Put the gun away. Evil's not a good thing
right now. Just relax. Exhale.

All we gotta do, bro,
is out-party the partyers.

Bring the mountain to Mohammed.

Throw a bigger, badder bash
than any college would ever allow,

show the girls that we care
about the environment too.

- Do we?
- No.

Where are we gonna throw this party?

Viva Las Bio-Dome!

- Cornucopy-A, Roach here.
- Roach! It's me, Bud.

Thanks for blowin' me off
on my birthday, nature boy.

I guess now you're Mr Scientist you don't
have time for your bourgeois friends.

Don't bourgeois-shwourgeois me, OK?
We've been stuck in a bubble.

You gotta do me a favour. Remember last
year when we had that freaked-out festival

and I made you my little buddy and you
went and passed out... Give me the drink!

...and I made you pass out fliers?

I need you to do the same thing,
but this time... Whoo!

OK.

OK, everybody turn!

Can someone explain how drinking beer
and playing Hacky Sack

- can help improve the environment?
- It's all about raising consciousness.

You just can't stand up
and preach about it.

Let me, uh,
open up your chakras, Monique.

- No, thanks, Siddhartha.
- The fifth need is to save some trees

We just wanna save some trees

Don't say we didn't save
some friggin' trees

Party at Bio-Dome? All right, let's go!

Bud and Doyle are having
a party at the Bio-Dome?

- That's crazy. What are they thinking?
- How?

- Wait a minute. What about our party?
- I'm going to Bio-Dome.

Thanks for the back rub.

Maybe they're having a lecture
in the parking lot.

Wouldn't it be cool
if they had those huge TV setups

- so we could see what's going on inside?
- Mm-hm.

- Moths?
- Noctuidae principalis.

- We don't have them here.
- Something is happening.

All hell is breaking loose.

And her money's green

She's a tease like a social disease

But she's still so close to my reach

If I call, if I call at all

Any time at all

Any time at all

Any time at all

Any time at all

Jackknife!

Are you guys in a band?

We're the Bio-Dome Five.

Which one's Tito?

- He's a whore
- Do anything for money

He's a whore...

There is no law now.

- He's a whore
- And the stories I could tell...

Look out!

- Oh, my God!
- They're going inside?

- I'm a whore
- Do anything for money

- I'm a whore
- So the story goes

Monique. Jen.

- Buena notte.
- Where are they?

- Bud and Doyle?
- No.

- Here you are. Half-price.
- Yeah, right!

Fine! Be that way, snivellers!

Oh my...

This can't be.

En garde!

- What are you doing?!
- We're partying.

You're thrashing this place,
you phonies!

You're thrashing the place,
you phonies! So?

- Don't you care about the environment?
- No. We just wanna get laid.

Hell, I'd strangle a dolphin
to get into her pants.

Bud and Doyle! Bud and Doyle!

Hey, everybody! Welcome to the party!

- I could get used to this, Squirly.
- It was just a matter of time.

Monique, Jen! Welcome to paradise!

Ladies! So good of you to come. Join us!

My queen, this is your kingdom.
And now we're all acting globally!

Bud! Bud, stop this.

- Stop what?
- This!

Doyle, this place is being destroyed!

We thought you guys wanted
a big environmental party.

You assholes!
Don't you care about anything?

Bud, you're killing the Bio-Dome.

- Monique.
- Jen.

You shouldn't be doing this.
This is our mess.

Yeah, this is our problem.

Don't touch me!

Stop! Come on, you guys!
You're making us feel worse.

- Good.
- Do you even realise what you've done?

You're scum.

Do you know how embarrassed I am
that I even know you?

- We're sorry.
- We didn't think.

- That's the problem. You never think.
- About anything.

Wait. Monique, stop.

- Could we call you later?
- Bud, this isn't a joke.

I never wanna see you again.

- Jen?
- I don't know you.

I'm Doyle Johnson. You've seen me naked!

Faulkner's gone. He disappeared.

All we found were these.

They look like they've been chewed
through by a rat.

First rat to desert a sinking ship.

Romulus.
I should have left you in charge.

Well... maybe not.

Mr Leaky, the damage is devastating.

The toxins are way off the scale, and the
pH is acidic enough to digest a battery.

It took years to build this world,

and you geniuses
took only one month to destroy it!

God couldn't work at such a fast pace.

I haven't seen devastation
of this magnitude

since the Great Chipmunk Fire of '79.

Go home! It's over.

We made Vasquez Lake.

- We've gotta fix it.
- We gotta.

- Where are you guys headed?
- Out.

Wait. You can't leave.

- We're gonna need your help.
- For what?

- To clean this place up.
- There's no point in staying.

- The ecosystem is dead.
- It's not. It's just thrashed.

The aim was life in a sealed environment
without contact from the outside world.

The entire experiment
has been compromised.

Wait!

Screw the experiment!

No one leaves!

Now, listen. We're taking over this dome.
And you guys are gonna help us fix it.

Do you have any idea how impossible
it would be to make this place habitable?

Impossible's my nom de plum.

You guys have spent your whole lives
trying to make the world a better place.

Well, here's your chance.
Only it's not perfect.

It's like it is out there.

Come on, guys.
We gotta save the Bio-Dome.

I've never quit anything in my whole life
except Chinese calligraphy,

my thesis "Tuna And You:
The Early Years", kangaroo anatomy,

toe photography,
booger sculpture, masturbation...

Well, maybe not masturbation. But give
me a break. It's the only thing I'm good at.

You are very good at it, Stub.
Very good.

So come on! Who's a quitter?

In five seconds, I'm gonna swallow
this key, so if you wanna leave,

you'd better do it now.

Count it, Squirl.

One...

two...

I'll do it.

...three...

four...

Wait, wait, wait. I don't wanna get
locked in. Just wait one second, please.

Let me get outta here. Open the door.

Thank you, Bob.
Nice to see you again, Darryl.

Last chance.

Five.

- Dick!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! You did it!
- We're all gonna die!

Grouse mate for life,
year after year after year.

They travel thousands of miles
to reunite and mate.

- We were watching that.
- I'll put it back.

I wanna see if the sniper
killed the clown.

If we slow it down, we can see
the bullets enter and exit Buttercup.

- Eeuw!
- Gross!

Back, and to the left.

Back, and to the left.

A clown...

Elsewhere, the infamous Bio-Dome
is back in the news.

A standoff has developed
between scientists still inside

and project investors.

Our Joachim West is live at the scene.

The scientists are refusing to leave
the world they destroyed.

- Bud and Doyle, I love you!
- A standoff?

There's Mr Leaky,
the project's principal investor.

I studied chemistry in Sweden!

All I can say right now
is that we're still negotiating.

We're trying to keep them aware of the
dangerously low level of oxygen inside.

That's all for now.

Homeostasis is 1% of normal.

Animal life will terminate in 14 days.

- 14 days. That's almost two weeks.
- I don't see how it can be done.

Plant life must be revived
in order to produce oxygen for survival.

Bingo! Revive plant life!

Now the plants will get that island tan.
Photosynthesise, planties.

Hopefully it'll also produce what
Doyle and I call "the beer-can effect".

Heat inside stimulates condensation,
like the outside of a cold brew.

That should increase the moisture
inside here and bring on a downpour.

It'll work. All we gotta do
is filter the air.

Light bulb!

Makin' a filter, makin' a filter

Makin' a filter

Don't worry, Stub. Olivia said
we could just use wet bedsheets.

- What about all these butts?
- At least you collected 'em.

Do you know how many laws you've broken?

How many?

Bud? Doyle?
Where's the key to the back door?

- Doyle's got it.
- Thank God!

- Doyle, give me the key.
- Give the man the key.

- Are you sure?
- Give him the key.

OK.

Push!

He needs a cup of Joe to let it flow!

Leaky!

- Reach on up in there and get it!
- But make sure you take off your watch!

No, I was the last one out. And Bob,
the last words he said to me were

If I go, man, you take the torch.
You save the planet. And I'm, like, wild.

- Excuse me.
- Monique!

- I see Mom let you off your leash.
- Make way.

Bud and Doyle refuse to speak
to anyone but you.

You would be doing the world
and posterity a great favour

if you could convince them both
to give up this foolish quest.

Hi, guys.

So...

So when are you guys gonna come out?

Earth Day. You guys still mad at us?

- Is that what this is all about?
- This isn't one of our pranks, Monique.

- We're for real.
- You're really for real?

- We think about you guys all the time.
- We miss you, too.

You've come a long way, Bud.

Thanks. That really helped a lot.

I've used this technique
in many siege situations.

It's pure torture.
This'll definitely drive them out.

You're the expert.

We can dance if we want to

We can leave your friends behind

Cos your friends don't dance
and if they don't dance...

Good boy, Billy. Good boy.

Romulus! Your popalopedos are porking!

- Excellent tree bark, y'all.
- Mm. Tastes just like chicken.

Here you go, friend.

48 per cent of normal! Whoo!

It's really like I have
two sons, Doyle and Bud.

And you can act real rude and totally
removed and I can act like an imbecile...

I have one from L'Institut de Nature
in Strasbourg.

They want Bud and Doyle
to stockpile their sperm bank.

Bladder Buster want the boys to endorse
their new drink, the Colonic Cannon.

You're not gonna believe
who this one's from, Mr Leaky.

"Viva Las Bio-Dome".

Take the right leg, throw it up, push it
to your chest, and then bam, behind there.

...we could grow
a whole new crop of tomatoes.

Trick or treat!

What? You don't have any candy?

Oh, look at you! Look at you!

And what's your little name?

Purple sticky punge .

You're gonna make someone really happy.

Checkin' Santa's list
to see who's been naughty or nice!

Bud and Doyle! Bud and Doyle!

Happy New Year!

We can dance, we can dance

Everybody's takin' the chance

With the safety dance...

Crunchy soy patty...
with lactose-free cheese?

I need a few minutes. I need a fuse...

Ionised chlorophyll dilineate
with red dye number two?

Yeah! Keep going!

- Senseless vandalism.
- Do you think it's really Faulkner?

Whoever was in this closet
knew what they were looking for.

I'll tell him we're sorry
and that we'll try to make up for it.

We should get him back here involved.
We could use another genius.

- I don't think that's a very good idea.
- If he wanted to talk, he'd come to us.

What do you think
he's been doing all this time?

I am God.

I'm God.

No... I am God.

I am God.

All is quiet as the Domers
spend their last days inside,

trying to reach homeostasis.
This is Joachim West reporting.

- It's gonna be a blast.
- A three-day rally to boycott fur.

- Start with the fur on your back, homos.
- Sapiens!

That was good.

No... I am God.

Homeostasis is at 98%.

We're close.
It's gonna come down to the wire.

Only ten hours left.

- If only we had another day.
- Or another 24 hours.

- Ladies.
- Hey, guys.

We just, um... wanted to say
thanks for everything.

We thought you were brain-damaged
or something, but we were wrong.

- You're very special.
- You mean, like,

special like riding on
a little yellow bus to school special?

Very special.

And I've been thinking
about that yoghurt thing.

Fruit at the bottom,
waiting to be stirred.

I know a guy who's tough but sweet

He's so fine he can't be beat

He's got everything that I desire

Sets the summer sun on fire...

Wait. I have a girlfriend.

I want candy

Doyle! Doyle!

I want candy

Doyle!

Excuse me, please.

We're sorry. It's just... we have girlfriends
outside the dome. But you are just...

- Good night, Squirly.
- Good night, Doyle.

Wait... wait...

That might have been the smartest
or the dumbest thing we've ever done.

Probably both.

What's that? That noise?

- What?
- Do you hear that?

- What is it?
- I don't know.

Wow! Check out
Faulkner's secret-hatch action.

- Cool.
- Yeah. How James Bond-ish.

Hurry up.

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Hurry up.

Come on, Stub.

What is that?

Ahoy, Noah!

- Matey!
- Oh... Hi.

- You don't look so good.
- You're lookin' kinda grizzly.

I... I have a lovely sack of coconuts

that I've altered in a small way,

and I wondered, would you be
kind enough to hold them for me?

- OK.
- Sure.

- Where you been, man?
- We missed ya.

Smelly.

In case you've been wondering,
we have been kicking some serious ass

on the homeostasis front.

This place is almost back to normal.
So what are the coconuts for?

Piña coladas?

I'm rigging some pyrotechnics
for the door-opening ceremony tomorrow,

which I feel is essential for
the culmination of this whole process.

Let me... please.

I don't think he liked the way
you played with his coconuts.

When the doors open, I don't anticipate
any problems. Just let them come out.

Boys, isn't it amazing
how clear everything gets sometimes?

Haven't you felt that? That moment when
everything is proportionally correct?

That's how I am now. Anyway, boys,
keep your eye on the clock.

When it hits zero,
you will like what you see.

- Adieu!
- Adieu!

And off he goes.

- Into the wild blue.
- Come on.

OK.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- A cluster.

- Coconut.
- Hey, you know, he's not such a bad guy.

- For a grizzly guy.
- Yeah. He's just, like, a little...

- He's, like... misunderstood.
- Exactly.

- We bring out the best in people.
- And people bring out the best in us.

I mean, look at us right now.
Who'd ever have thought?

Look! Right.

Here. Go long.

Stubby going long!

Oh! Oh! Oh! You OK, Stub?

That was no ordinary coconut.

- We rigged tons of those things.
- They could level this place!

- Help! Let us out of here!
- There's a bomb in here! Open the door!

Hey, what's going on? What's going on?!

Don't worry.

You can't do that!
It cost $2,000 a sheet!

- Damn bionic glass!
- What are we gonna do?!

- We gotta stop that mother Faulkner!
- Stubby!

Squirly!

You boys come back!
It's too dangerous back there!

Remote link activated, Doctor.

My creation, I know thee not.

But go gently into the maelstrom.

Freeze!

Roshambo for the dome, Doc?
You feel lucky?

Well, yeah, I think I do.

On three. One, two, three.

- Paper?
- Don't feel bad.

I would have done it anyway.

- No!
- Give me the detonator.

What is the magic word?

Destruct sequence activated.

- Destruct sequence activated.
- There has to be a magic word.

The magic word's on three.

Three!

You cut him off through the tunnel.
I'm gonna go get his maelstrom.

I got ya now, Faulkner! Come on, baby!

I'm comin' for ya! I'm comin' for ya!

Wheels! So that's how
that rat's been gettin' around.

When I get you, I'm gonna...

Slow down!

- I'm going back in!
- I'm going with you.

I'm going... to worry about you guys
while you're in there.

- Come on!
- Just kidding.

When I see you, I'm gonna...
When I get you, I'm gonna...

Will you finish a complete thought?!

Got it! I got it!

You idiot!

I got it!

Hang on, Squirl!

Get him, Squirl!

You're choking me!

- Give it to me! Give me the detonator!
- No!

- I'm coming, Squirl!
- Give me the detonator!

Assume the position!

Warning. Detonation in five... four...

three... two... one...

Destruct sequence deactivated.

Homeostasis restored to 100%.

- Happy Earth Day.
- What's happening?

We did it!

That was the stupidest thing
we've ever done.

But sometimes stupid can be pretty cool.

- Bud!
- Doyle!

Hey! We did it! We stopped Faulkner!

I like you.

God, Romulus!
Easy with the tongue action.

Yeah! Whoo!

- Those poor folks! They must be toast.
- Remember your training.

- Where's Faulkner?
- Let's go arrest him!

I underestimated you fellas. Interested in
a permanent job at Bio-Dome? Big bucks.

You guys are my heroes.

- Bye, Doyle.
- Bye, Mimi.

- Bye-bye. We'll miss you.
- Well, Petri dish, what can I say?

How about "goodbye"?
You can save the world from your couch.

Bye.

- I'm so proud of you, Doyle.
- I'm proud of me too.

- You should be.
- Love you.

We definitely learnt a few things.
For one, we definitely have to listen to...

- Your girlfriends.
- Yes, but most importantly Mother Nature.

- Uh-oh.
- What's wrong, sweetie?

I think Mother Nature's
callin' me again, Squirl.

- Can you cork it?
- Negatory.

- There's no place to go out here.
- Hey, what about that factory?

- I don't think so, Bud.
- Trust me, OK? We're celebrities.

- Squirly!
- Stubby!

Drive up!

Anybody seen Faulkner?

- No sign of him over here.
- How could he have gotten out?

- He's not here. I don't see him.
- Check the lagoon.

- He's not here.
- He must've gone through the back door.

Where'd he get the key?

S-S-S-S A-A-A-A F-F-F-F
E- E-E-E T-T-T-T Y-Y-Y-Y

Safety dance

We can dance if we want to,
we can leave your friends behind

Cos your friends don't dance
and if they don't dance

Well they're no friends of mine

I say, we can go where we want to,
a place that they will never find

And we can act like we come
from out of this world

Leave the real one far behind

And we can dance

We can dance if we want to,
we can leave your friends behind

Cos your friends don't dance
and if they don't dance

Well they're no friends of mine

I say, we can go where we want to,
a place that they will never find

And we can act like we come
from out of this world

Leave the real one far behind

And we can dance

We can go when we want to,
the night is young and so am I

And we can dress real neat
from our hats to our feet

And surprise 'em with the victory cry

I say, we can act if we want to

If we don't nobody will

And you can act real rude and totally
removed and I can act like an imbecile

I say, we can dance, we can dance,
everything's under control

We can dance, we can dance,
doin' it from pole to pole

We can dance, we can dance,
everybody look at your hands

We can dance, we can dance,
everybody's takin' the chance

Safety dance

Oh the safety dance

Yes the safety dance

S-S-S-S A-A-A-A F-F-F-F
E- E-E-E T-T-T-T Y-Y-Y-Y

Look, Sissy...

Let's just say I know, alright?

And not say...
-What do we not say?

What about?

I want to know...

Everyone here wants to know,
you want to know, Stella May?

-You may regret it in the end.
-Oh, bullshit.

I may enjoy your lies.

Okay, it's your funeral.

It was one of those chance meeting,
you know?

One of those faces from the past

that jumped out from memory.

I was working in this bar,

every night I get up
on my little perch

next to the juke and
sing the records.

Remember, like we use to?

The record turns and
you move your mouth

into your phoney microphone
and pretend you are Eydie Gorme.

? Fan out your arms ?

? When he comes home to you ?

? I'm warning you ?

Well?

Then one night, I was looking
over the crowd

from my perch and...

floating ovre a cloud of
cigarette smoke

was his face.

I will never forget
that face.

You want me to go on?

No you can got on,
and pretend all you want,

you don't know the
crap from christmas.

We'll see.

Well...

He sure gave me the once over
while I mouth...

His eyes went straight to my boobs,

like the first time we
encountered each other.

He came over to me and
said he loved my voice.

Sounds like, guess who?

Eydie Gorme.

He invited me to join him for a drink,

Which I did.

Bourbon with water,
isn't it, Sissy?

He bought me another and another

and finally he began
this wow full tale

about the wife he left behind,
the little woman...

Shut up, he did not.
-Know what?

Finish telling what she know what.

Sissy...

I told you
not to marry him.

He never loved you.
-He worshiped me.

He said that I had...

the largest pair of melons in the
whole state of Texas.

He told you that, didn't he?
Joe, he told me he loved me.

He said it was ahum...
repulsive to him, it disgusted him.

I didn't want anybody to know this.

Sissy...

what are you talking about,
girl?

Look at me.

Sissy...

Mona, I begged them not to take them,

but they it would...spread.

-It would...
-Sissy!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

You should have told us before.

What do you want me to do,

Juanita, come in here
and rip open my blouse

and say, "Look everbody, no tits".

That would be cute, wouldn't it?

I was...

scared to death to tell anybody,

especially Lester T.

He loved them so much!

Every night, he would come
home and fall asleep on them.

That's silly?

He was a wonderful lover.

Every night, two or three
times we make love.

After the operation,
it whittle down.

Of course I was
prepared for that.

I use to cry all the time,
because I knew...

I knew one day he would
not love me no more,

and of course
that day came

and he left.

Did you sleep with him, Joe?

He took me to some cheap hotel
room where he was staying.

He begged and, he pleaded...

and I considered it.

But I couldn't.

I just laid back,
staring at the cracks in the ceiling,

like a road map.

Tracing the route that led me
to where I was

at that moment.

And the more miles I traveled,

the more hysterical I got.

I started laughing,
and I lost all control of myself.

I would have given anything to
see the expression on his face.

What happened then?

I stopped laughing.

Stopped? Why stop?

I would have laughed ...till I cry.

He was crying.
-Why was he crying for?

Because I was laughing.

Are you kidding me?

It good to laugh about this,
don't it?

I didn't laugh this
hard in a million year.

Everybody use to laugh at Sissy
with the watermelon boobs.

For years I had
to lug them around,

so everbody could squeeze them,
and feel them...

I doubt they give a rat's
arse about me though.

What do you think, Stell?

Well?

It isn't that fun.

Hey everybody out there in
McCarthy, Texas, guess what!?

They are rubber.
-Sissy!

Sissy...

They are rubber tits.

-Get back in here.
-I don't care anymore, Juanita.

Sissy, I'm so sorry.

I don't want your
sympathy, Mona.

Well..,

I sure pull the wool over
their eyes, didn't I?

Not real tits, just retreads.

I need a drink.
-Absolutely.

Retreads.

You my leave the
party at any time.

Do not feel you have to
remain on our account.

-I can't leave.
-Why?

Without my car?

They will return it and Jimmy Dean
at any time now, I think.

It's just...

It makes me sick to
my stomach, to think

that people can be so cruel.

Oh, God!

What's so funny now?

You are.

I am?

"It just makes...me sick to...my
stomach...just thinking

that people...are...are
can be so cruel."

I just don't understand,
what is keeping them so long.

Maybe the phone
is out of order.

There is nothing wrong
with the phone, it's gone.

I know he's gone,

I'm not blind.

So why do you think
everybody else is?

-I don't understand...
-You understand me perfectly!

He's gone, run away,
flown the coop.

Read my lips, he's gone.
-Please stop that.

He can't run away.

The boy doesn't even know
what the word "runaway" mean.

He knows nothing unless
I'm there to help him!

You know that, my God,
what do you...

He is helpless.
the boy is a child!

No, No. You know those comic books
he's always reading

they are men's magazines.

He ain't looking at Bugs Bunny,
or Porky Pig

he is looking at naked women.

No, no, nothing like that...
-Hell, he don't.

...those trashy magazines.

How did he?
-I gave them to him.

Sissy!

You pig!
You dirty filthy pig!

Put that dirty filth
hands off a...

She lied about that.

I'm wondering if you can
let go of my wrist

for 5 seconds.

Thank you.

You're sick.

You are a demented and I feel
you should be locked up.

He has nearly 20 years.
-With the mind of a 10 year-old.

No, you treat him like a child,
he is nearly 20 years-old.

Body and other else.

You lie.

Constantly, I find you
tell nothing but lies!

What about all them doctors...

You never took him
to one God damn doctor!

Not one!

Not one God damn doctor,
he told me so!

Then he is a liar too.

You're one that is lying, Mona.

The boy does not know
the truth.

I am his mother
and I know what he is.

I don't believe you.

I do not believe one thing
that you said.

I know what you're doing.

Is easy.

You trying to trick me,
that's all.

You're trying to trick me into saying...

Say what, Mona?

That he is not
son of James Dean?

How do you know?

-I was there.
-We all know.

We all know and accept it for years,
except you.

Edna Louise...

Did I not show you that beautiful...
piece of Reata

that I manage to retrieve
it from destruction?

Didn't show that?

Come on.

It is not so easily recognisable
from some I found in the past,

but maybe next year when I go,
I can a longer time.

Take this longer trip.

-They all know?
-Yes, they all know.

All these years?

Juanita, I'm asking
you this question.

Sugar...

We didn't see how
it was possible.

He being such a big
movie star and all.

Oh, I'm so embarassed,
I...I feel like such a fool.

I just want to be noticed, that's all.

Like that time when I was in "Giant"

and was chosen.

For the first time in my life,
I was chosen.

I chose you, Mona.

-I loved you.
-Hey, wait a minute.

You mean you were...

You're Jimmy Dean's fa...

Hey, Joe, you son of a bitch,
can I buy you a drink?

-Alright.
-Now you're talking, buddy.

Listen...

That storm just passed on by,
like we don't even matter.

Probably on some town
that don't even need it.

It's so sad...

It's sad.

I just know I'm starting to cry.

Come on gal, get your crap together.

Believing is so funny,
isn't it?

What you believe in,

doesn't even know you exist.

Does this really think,
I know what it is?

Not a bit.

Here Juanita,
go and take a swig.

God is not looking.

Sidney said it did.

I tried to protect him.

I even lied to God,
so he take him into heaven.

Goodbye Mona.

I hope they find
Jimmy Dean for you.

I had such a very nice time.

Thank you all for liking me
and being nice to me,

although I am not very smart.

I think you are
a very nice lady...

whatever you are,
I'm very pleased to have met you.

Thank you.

That's not it, is it?

We are going to see each other again,
will not we?

Shall we make a pact?

20 years from tonight.

Oh, that is exciting,
some thing to look forward to.

I can send postcards
to remind us.

I won't let us forget each other.

Mona?

Well, next time pick some place cooler,
for godsake.

We can have it at my house.

With all those kids running
around there is no room for you,

let alone us.

You know you give everything you got,
for one of them kids, you know it.

I wouldn't have one in the house.

Can't Merl have a baby.

What good are they for?

Merl says kid are only good with beans,
potato salad and barbecue.

I feel sorry for you.

Sorry for me?

Who the hell are you
to feel sorry for me.

-Edna Louise Johnson.
-And who the hell is that?

Someone very important
to my family and me.

We may not have a lot of money
or belong to a fancy country club,

but we are happy
with each other.

Happy?

Christ, anyone can be happy.

Look at me!

Laugh my arse off all the damn time,
about anything.

-But you're not happy.
-I'm happy God damn it!

I never could stand people who
keep saying they're going to go,

and the never do.

I wonder when it was that,

made God turned away from me like that.

I think there are so many people
in the world nowadays

it must be hard for him to
give personal attention

like he used to.

I hope you found what you
came here looking for.

Miss!

Well, Joe?

Sissy, look.

Deceiving to the eye.

That's what he was.

But it is time...
-I got an idea,

what about The McGuire Sisters get
together for one final number?

Terrific.

I don't want to,
I don't even recall them words.

Oh no, I don't even
know where I stand.

Come on, Sissy.
Come on over here and show us how again.

Alright, Joe, come on,
It's a good thing I'm here.

I remember you were
on the left hand side.

Mona, you were on the ever popular right
hand side and I was dead center.

Sissy, you're center
was never dead.

Come on, follow these bells
and swing.

-Let's be serious.
-Alright.

? Sincerely ?

? Oh, yeah, sincerely ?

? Cause I love you so dearly ?

? Please say you'll be mine ?

? Sincerely ?

? Oh, you know how I love me ?

? I'll do anything for you ?

? Please say you'll be mine ?

? Oh lord, won't you tell me why ?

? I love that guy I saw ?

? He doesn't want me... ?

? For I never, never, never, never... ?

? Oh, sincerely... ?

? Oh you know, how I love you... ?

? I'll do anything for you... ?

? Please tell me, you'll be mine... ?