Original subtitles

WOMAN: No qualifications? MAN: No.

Why did you lose your last job?

I bent my tube.

I was a plan carrier for an architect.

I had to roll them up into this tube and...

I'm afraid we don't have anything for you here.

Unless...

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

( QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES )

Arggh!

Look, where do you want to go, lady?

We've been driving around the city now for, uh...

.$11.45.

Do you mind if I sit in the front?

Huh? I'm feeling unprotected back here.

OK. I'll pull over.

Don't stop. It's a clearway. I'll climb over.

Feeling better?

Much.

Hey, look, what's the big idea?

I want to make love to you while you're driving.

Preferably at some busy intersection.

Do you want to get me sacked? Yes.

Why? Because then I can look after you.

You're too young to be driving a taxi,

picking up strange nymphomaniacs like me.

W-What particular intersection did you have in mind?

This one.

( TYRES SCREECH )

( CAR HORNS BLARE )

( CAR HORNS CONTINUE BLARING )

( TAPPING AT WINDOW )

Hey! What are you doing in there?

( CAR HORNS CONTINUE BLARING )

Sorry. I didn't realise there was anyone here.

That's quite alright. You can clean up around me.

No, I'll come back later on. You'd best do it now.

I expect I'll be here all night.

OK, uh...

I'll, uh...I'll do your bin.

Alright.

Um...where is it?

Under the desk, I think.

( THUD!)

Is something the matter?

Uh...no, no.

I just, ah, bumped me head.

Did...did you leave, uh...

...in a hurry for work this morning?

Let me see if you've got a bump.

SONG: # Alvin, make them wave bye-bye

# Alvin, make them sing, ding-a-ling, why, oh, why

# Alvin, make them cry

# Alvin, make them laugh, hello

# Alvin, make them hot Give them a sign, no, no

# Alvin, don't let go

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you

# Try to avoid it Just resist it, now and then

# If you'd only try to understand

# Oh, there you go again

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you

# Alvin, make them wave bye-bye

# Alvin make them sing, ding-a-ling, why, oh, why

# Alvin, make them cry

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you

# Whoa-ho-ho

# Because it had to be you. #

By the way, I've got a great job for you.

Yeah? Bra salesman.

Oh, very funny.

No, mate. I'm going up north, as far away as I can get.

Plenty of women up north.

Yeah. Not as many of them.

What is it you've got?

A bloody sore back.

You know what I mean.

You're not handsome. Oh, thanks.

Nothing even memorable about you.

Now, here's me -

a loving, noble bloke that any bird would be proud to get to know.

If only she'd open her eyes and take a look at me.

But I never get to first base.

That's what hurts most.

The inequality of life.

Do you want to swap? (Chuckles)

( UPBEAT MUSIC)

Come on, Alvin!

Come on, my boyo! Faster! ( ENGINE SPLUTTERS )

Northward!

To the dead heart!

Alice!

Darwin!

( RAMBLING MUSIC)

(Alvin toots horn)

Fill her up, thanks, mate.

She's running a bit rough.

You planning on driving this thing?

What do you suggest we do with it?

Hmmph! I'd shoot the bastard.

( GURGLING SOUND ) Christ!

Look, I'd better have a look at this.

I'll push her around the back.

( MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY ON STEREO)

(Clears throat)

WOMAN: What do you want?

Oh, any chance of a cuppa?

Cup of tea?

Yeah, thanks.

Sure you wouldn't like a three-course meal?

Oysters, steak, lemon meringue pie - something like that?

Uh...no. Not just at the moment, thanks.

Just as well. We haven't got any.

Milk in your tea? Uh, yes, please.

What a heap. Even the bodywork's had it.

I suppose you had a good look just then?

Eh? When I did what I just did.

I suppose you had a real good eyeful.

What did you do when you just did it?

I bent over. That's what I did.

Like this.

Once she gets this hot, there's no telling what will happen.

See it that time?

Uh...yes.

I couldn't really miss.

Hasn't been a stiff breeze through there in six years.

(Chokes and splutters)

Tea no good?

Uh, no. It just went down the wrong way, that's all.

Oh.

What a terrible embarrassment.

And in front of a customer too.

There's the trouble. Needs a good blow out.

I'll just pull it off.

Can't have that now, can we?

I'll have to go and mend it immediately.

Excuse me.

Can you thread a needle?

Uh...yeah, I suppose so.

'Cause I'm all fingers and thumbs.

Went to see an eye doctor once.

I couldn't read the chart unless he put it right under my nose.

Could you do it for me?

(Sighs) Sure.

(Sighs)

Hey, you look lovely when you do that.

What?

Go all cross-eyed.

MAN: Mae!

Hey, Mae!

Quick. If he sees us like this, he'll kill us.

Mae?

You there, Mae?

Slipped out for a while.

Well, well...

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

(Rooster crows)

They don't build these places very good.

A truck's only got to go past and they all fall down.

( TRUCK RUMBLES PAST)

(Chuckles)

Well, sometimes they do.

Well, it's, uh...

It's been very nice meeting you

but I think perhaps I'd better be going.

Oh, off you go, and it was nice meeting you.

Oh, oh. Don't bother paying for the tea.

Ah, there you are.

( CAR HORN SOUNDS )

Who's this?

(Blows raspberry and laughs)

WOMEN: Yay!

Come on, Alvin. Come on!

(Women giggle)

What is this?

It's a women's cricket team.

It's the Luther Hall Old Girls.

You don't look very old.

They don't act very old, you mean.

But they did leave. Only last year.

We're going to Muffington

for our annual belt-up, beer-up grudge match.

What school are you playing?

We're not playing girls. It's the men.

(Women giggle)

I can't look them in the face.

That's not where you're supposed to look at them.

Oh, very funny.

The whole bloody cricket team.

Couple of poofters here, mate.

Well, if you're not feeling up to it,

there's always your old mate.

Yeah? Yeah.

If you've got any merchandise to spare,

I'd only be too happy to take it off your hands.

( KNOCK AT DOOCR )

I'll see you in two minutes. Room 108.

First one coming up, mate. Thanks, Alvin.

You're a real mate.

Best of luck.

Entre, mon cheri.

( KNOCK AT DOOCR )

It's only me. Can I come in for a minute?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I can't sleep tonight.

I get the jitters the night before a match.

The jitters? Nerves.

Nerves. (Laughs nervously)

Um, look, excuse me for a minute. I've gotta make a quick phone call.

( PHONE RINGS )

ALVIN: Well, how'd you go?

Like a white tornado!

Can you, er, handle another one? Give us time to catch my breath.

Number two's already here. Can you or can't you?

Send her over.

Um, look, I was thinking... ( KNOCK AT DOOR )

Who's that?

I dunno.

See you in two minutes.

Room 108.

( KNOCK AT DOOCR )

Entre, mon cherie!

Now, look, I don't wanna be a wet blanket...

( KNOCK AT DOOR ) Who the hell's that?

WOMAN: Mr Purple. It's Meredith!

Meredith?

Ah, Mr Purple, I know it's awfully late,

I mean, knocking you up like this

but I felt I should warn you about the...

A-about the...

...girls. Oh, the girls.

Yes, well, you know what it's like

when a group of high-spirited young girls

get away from the restraints of home.

It turns their heads.

Yeah, I s'pose it does. You must be the...

Yes. I'm their team captain and their chaperone.

Oh. Must be quite a handful.

I mean, to look after that many girls must be quite, er...

Ah, excuse me for a minute. I've just gotta make a quick telephone call.

Oh! (Coughs loudly) "

( PHONE RINGS )

ALVIN: How'd you go, me boy? Quite a change of pace.

Think you can handle another one?

It's a bloody traffic jam in here! Oh! No!

Come on! What's wrong with you?

Honestly, I don't think I could raise it!

Look, mate, this one is right up your alley.

OK. Send her over.

( KNOCK AT DOOCR )

Who's that?

I dunno.

I'll see you in a couple of minutes - room 108.

( KNOCK AT DOOCR )

Entre, mon cherie.

Oh, oh, darls. This is all so...so unexpected!

What the hell?!

Hang about! Ah, uh, uh!

Oh, don't be like that!

Oh! Oh!!

Meanie!

Well, Mr Purple, I really was very worried...

(Squeaks)

Ahem.

You have a lot of explaining to do, my young lady!

Hal If it comes to that, how do you happen to be here?

On (Giggles)

MEREDITH: I'll have you know it's my business to be...

You really know how to help out a mate!

What do you mean? Thanks, Alvin.

Thanks a million! “Right up my alley”!

GIRL: Come on, Luther Hall!

(CHEERS)

( APPLAUSE )

ALL: Hip-hip hooray!!!

Ah, Luther Hall, thanks, mate. (Sniggers)

$40...$2,000. You could lose the hall!

Thanks. Here, what about you, mate?

50 to 1, the women. No, thanks.

He's mad enough for both of us. (Chuckles)

( CHEERING AND APPLAUSE )

Come on, Luther Hall!

Now, no bodyline when you're playing the ladies!

Meredith can handle the balls, no worries!

(All laugh uproariously)

Now, don't poke, honey, don't poke!

(All laugh)

Howzat! ( WOMEN GROAN )

Not exactly a good omen.

( WOMEN GROAN )

Howzat!

( MEN LAUGH )

My advice, man, is hang on to your crease!

(Men laugh)

( CROWD MOANS )

Howzat!

Looks like we've done our dough, boy.

( YOBBOS LAUGH DERISIVELY)

Howzat! Hey, hey!

( WOMEN MOAN, APPLAUSE )

MAN: Cop the wog sheila!

Doing anything tonight, hairy legs? (Men laugh)

Now, I'll give you odds on that little number!

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

WOMAN: Come on, Luther Hall!

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

Oh! She can put her bat under my bed any time she likes!

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

( CROWD ROARS )

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

We should never have given the bitches the vote!

(All murmur agreement)

(Mimics girl) Great innings, Dulcie!

Let's get out of here, quick smart!

There's something funny about those sheilas.

How do you mean? Have you had a good look at 'em?

You made a killing.

$40 at 50 to 1. Two grand.

That's funny! When she made that bet with me, she was a bloke.

She was a bloke? Hey! She's a bloke!

Come on! OK!

( JAUNTY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS )

( MOB YELLS ABUSE )

( ROULETTE WHEEL RATTLES )

CROUPIER: No more bets, thank you.

( BALL CLATTERS TO AHALT)

CROUPIER: It's a black four. Low and even. Black four.

Place your bets, please.

MAN: 10 on red, please.

MAN: Three on the reds.

CROUPIER: Fifteen on passe.

100 on manque. Last bets please.

No more bets.

( BALL CLATTERS )

CROUPIER: And it's a black 35, ladies and gentleman.

High and odd, a black 35.

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentleman.

No more bets, thank you.

( BALL ROLLS AND CLATTERS)

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentleman.

CROUPIER: 100 on pairs.

100 on in pairs.

CROUPIER: No more bets, thank you. No more bets.

( BALL RATTLES TO AHALT)

CROUPIER: It's a black 31. High and odd, black 31.

(Sighs)

Oh, well, easy come... BOTH: ..easy go.

Two grand doesn't go very far. Not in this game, mate.

(American gangster accent) Join me for a drink, gentlemen.

On me, uh, naturally.

Come in, gentleman, come in. Make yourselves at home.

Come on, come in! Grab a seat, come on!

Drink, gentlemen, what will you have?

Champagne?

Come on, Jake, you heard the gentleman, champagne.

What are you celebrating, huh?

Ah, being broke again.

( CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS )

Hey, you look kinda...familiar to me.

Where before have I seen that face, huh?

(Girly American accent) Wow! He's the spitting image of you, Ballsy!

Yeah! Yeah! (Giggles)

Yeah? (Girls giggle)

The name is Balls, Balls McGee.

This is Harry and this is Jake -

Harry is my Australian partner and these are...

...these are the Patterson sisters - the Happiness Girls!

Hi! Hi.

Hi!

Er, I'm, um, Alvin Purple and this is Spike Dooley.

Anyway, gentlemen, make yourselves right at home.

1, myself, am gonna watch television.

'Skippy' the bush kangaroo.

JAKE: Not on for another 10 minutes, yet, boss.

I'm wanna see Skippy! I'm gonna sit here till Skippy comes on!

Now, go turn it on.

Ah, what...what do you think of Australia, Mr McGee?

The last frontier, Mr Pikeman. The last frontier!

We got...we got a saying in the States -

er, “Go west, young man.”

Well, you see, Mr Pikeman, I was born in the Bronx.

From there I went west to West 22nd Street,

from there, west to Kansas City,

and from there to LA.

Now, I ask you, Mr Pikeman,

where else in the world is there to go west to?

Huh? Australia?

Right on the button, Mr Dooley!

Right on the button!

Australia, the land of Skippy!

The bush kangaroo, huh?

Er, what line of business are you in?

Ah, that would be telling, Mr Pikeman.

Suffice it to say that I have, er, interests -

worldwide interests.

(Mobsters and molls laugh)

I take care of a lot of people

and I take care of myself, huh?

(Mobsters and molls laugh)

( LONG COO-EE WHISTLE ON TELEVISION)

(Skippy chatters) Hey, Boss, it's coming on now.

What? Skippy, Boss.

( SKIPPY THEME SONG PLAYS )

(Sings) # Skippy, Skippy

# Skippy the bush kangaroo! # All together now!

(Mobsters and molls sing along) # Skippy, Skippy

# Skippy, our friend ever true. #

That Skippy's got heart!

Make no mistake about it, Mr Purseman,

they cannot keep that little fella down.

Hey, hey, Jake, more champagne for Mr Purseman and Mr Dooley.

Harry!

Put that gun away!

We're about to drink a toast to the little furry fella!

Here, I'll give you a hand.

Ohh! Gently, Alvin. Be careful.

I was just checking it, boss.

(Mimics) Just checking it, boss.

( CORK POPS ) Arghh!

( GUNSHOT)

W-W-What did you wanna do that for?

( SKIPPY THEME MUSIC )

Are you OK, boss? MOLL: Ballsy!

Does it look like I'm OK, you punk?

No!

(Moll cries)

To think that I went and bought it in the...

...the land of Skippy the...

...b-bush kangaroo.

(Moll sobs)

( SKIPPY THEME SONG )

(Sings along weakly) # Skippy, Skipp...y... #

SONG: # Skippy the bush kangaroo

# Skippy, Skippy (Molls all cry)

# Skippy, our friend ever true. #

( RAGTIME MUSIC)

( MUSIC CONTINUES )

Da...Happiness...Girls...

Nah!

(Coughs)

Da...Happiness...Goils.

Da...Happiness...Goils!

That's good...that's good.

Seen this?

That's the little creep up in 301, isn't it?

That's right.

Hey...isn't that him? Yeah!

How am I doing? Don't ask, just keep going.

Don't know how he could walk like this without dislocating both hips.

Hiya, Ballsy.

Er...hi, hi.

Remember the deal Fingers proposed to you last night?

Er...yeah.

Well, I can better it. Yeah?

Provided the Weevils don't get into the act.

D-da Weevils?!

Am I not getting through to you, Ballsy?

Well, it's not exactly that, it's just that I don't really see

how the Weevils can get in on the act.

Aha! (Laughs)

Now I read you, now I read you!

You are thinking of the Hatchet?

Er...that's the one I had in mind.

The Hatchet is no dumb bum, Ballsy, but is that his pitch?

He sat on the Gas House Boys... but he's never leant on the Weevils.

There's always the foist time.

Good thinking, Ballsy.

I'll get back to you.

But remember...whatever Fingers can offer, I can do better!

I'll never forget what you said the first time you got off the plane

from the good old US of A.

“In the protection racket, what you need...is...”

Come on, Ballsy! “Is...?" (Mouths words)

Protection! Yes!

(Laughs) You never said a truer word!

The locals are still trying to absorb it.

I'll see you later.

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentlemen.

Ah...red, nine.

That's placed.

100 on pair.

No more bets.

And it's a red nine.

Red nine's the winner.

You've got a good PR machine, McGee.

Saw a picture of you in the paper this morning.

Said you were here to look us over.

You don't wanna believe everything you read in the newspapers, Fingers.

Yes. I'd have put it the other way around.

I thought it was us who was looking you over.

Hey...I wouldn't talk to McGee like that, Fingers.

What's the matter? Don't you feel yourself?

Never in public.

Very funny, fat boy.

Keep that up and I'll reduce you to a quivering pulp.

Promises, promises.

Cool it, Jake! Cool it!

Er...er...l don't, er, believe, Fingers, that I've had the pleasure

of, er, um, meeting with the lady.

Oh...Boobs la Touche.

Balls, this is Boobs.

Boobs...this is Balls.

I am very happy to meet you.

CROUPIER: Place your bets, please, ladies and gentlemen. 10 on red 30.

Just keep your eye on the wheel, McGee.

I can see you want my relationship with Miss la Touche

to be strictly business, Fingers.

Don't bite off more than you can chew.

It might interfere with your mastication.

Oh, I think I can pull it off, Fingers.

I said 'mastication'.

No more bets.

(High-pitched voice) Listen here, Fingers.

If he goes, I go! Got that?!

What ARE you talking about, Dwart?!

You know very well what I'm talking about!

You won't find me too easy to replace.

I'm sure it'd be impossible. There couldn't be two of you.

There's hardly enough to go around as it is.

I've got a message for you, Fingers.

Yes, keep away from knobbly little gnomes.

Can't somebody stub him in an ashtray?

Listen here, Fingers...

Oh, run along, you boring little person.

Ooh!

(French accent) Oh, Fingers, that was very cruel. He has got feelings.

Well, only tiny feelings. (Laughs)

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentlemen.

All bets down, please.

$20 on red 32.

You realise, McGee,

that if you intend to operate in the Southern Hemisphere

it's me you have to deal with.

I'd like to operate on both hemispheres, Fingers.

I'm warning you, McGee.

It's my territory.

Alright, gentlemen. Can we leave it there and get down to business?

Well, gentlemen, now that we have warmed our veins

with a little spirited competition,

shall we remind ourselves of why we are here?

One - a casino, presumably impregnable.

Two - a safe containing $2 million, give or take $100,000.

Gentlemen...

...what an invitation, hmm?

If we don't rise to the challenge and crack it,

then no criminal in the Southern Hemisphere

will be able to hold his head up again.

Nor anything else, for that matter.

Oh, really!

What are you doing there, you miserable little microbe?!

I've got a right to be here. I'm still working for you!

Not on this job, you're not.

This is big-time, Dwart, and you're strictly small-time.

Fingers, that was very unkind.

He has his uses.

Yes, possibly sitting in somebody's front garden

on a concrete toadstool.

Up!

Well, now, where were we?

Oh, yes. The plan.

At exactly 4:00am the alarms will be cut,

and the electronic eye will cease to operate.

And the guards?

I've arranged that they're... taken care of.

Who checked it out? The Hatchet.

How come he's not here now?

Well, now...how shall I put this?

He, ah, became a little...difficult.

So?

So we had to send him on a long holiday.

An extended vacation.

Er...the thing that bothers me, Fingers,

is how come you wanna cut us in on the action?

I need men.

What about using one of your own boys?

I mean, I know the Hatchet is out...

Yeah...what about Loopy Snieder and the Weevils?

For that matter, what about Dwart?

I know he's only three feet high, but you used him before.

Well, I'll tell you.

I want to get a foot in with the multinationals.

That's why I chose you, McGee.

Good thinkin', Fingers, good thinkin'.

There may be a lot of things wrong with America,

but it's still the best place in the world to sell out to.

Am I right?

It's a deal!

Well, gentlemen, I suggest you check your watches.

It is now 9:00pm.

We will all assemble in the cabaret room

in time for the 2:00am floor show.

In the meantime...

...I suggest you...take it easy.

(Murmurs softly) # Skippy

# Skippy

# Skippy the... #

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, baby...

Shouldn't we be getting some rest?

Don't you find this restful?

Yeah, of course, it's just that we've got a long night ahead of us.

Maybe we should get some shut-eye.

My eyes are closed.

You might find me a bit disappointing.

I may not measure up to Mr McGee's standard.

Why not?

Well...people are different. They come in different shapes and sizes...

I know! That's what makes life fun.

What, the differences?

No, the shapes and sizes.

What?!

It's my turn.

What are you doing here?

Well...1 just thought it'd be nice.

W-What the hell's going on?

Huh?

Look, I-I find your, er...

...your behaviour perfectly, er...

...outrageous.

Well, I don't think it's any worse

than what you're gonna be doing tonight.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean breaking into someone's safe in the middle of the night.

Well, that's breaking and entering, isn't it?

Is it?

I don't think you can pull it off like Ballsy could.

Yeah, I'm beginning to have my doubts too.

Come on...come on, let's try.

No.

What? I said no.

What if I won't take no for an answer?

Nancy...

...have pity on me!

What have I ever done to you?

Look, I'm forced at gunpoint to front up as Balls

so that you and the others can inherit the Balls McGee empire.

Yeah!

But do I have to inherit his domestic arrangements as well?

(American gangster accent) I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere, babe.

I haven't got the stomach, let alone the rest of the anatomy,

to handle it.

(Sobs)

What's wrong?

Why am I so different?

Well...you're not different.

You were nice to Cindy and Mandy.

Oh, Jesus!

(Continues sobbing)

Oh, don't, Nancy...don't.

Here we go again.

You've gotta admit, he must have something.

Ah, he doesn't look any great shakes to me.

( KNOCK AT DOOCR )

Who is it?

It's the house detective.

I'd like to speak to Mr McGee.

Er...just a minute, I'll go and get him.

You...Harry.

Quick! Get dressed.

(Coughs)

Ah, so you're Mr McGee?

(American gangster accent) Er, that's right, yeah.

Sorry to disturb you at this late hour, Mr McGee,

but there are two matters that I'd like to clear up.

A gun was reported to have gone off in this suite last night...

...and also one of our guests, a Mr Purple,

has unaccountably disappeared.

Er, Mr Purple, huh?

Well, as I understand it, he was last seen in your company, sir.

Er...er...

W-w-well, let me set, er, your mind at, er, rest, er, sir.

Mr Purple is, er, currently in the bathroom and, er,

as for that gunshot that you heard that was, er...

...well, that was a real laugh.

Er, that was nothing more than a champagne cork going off.

Er, pop!

Well, could I see Mr Purple?

Er...

...well, I'd go and get him, er, except for the fact that he is, er,

engaged in matters of a very, um, er, personal nature.

I'll wait.

(Normal voice) Er, what can I do for you?

Um...has anyone ever told you that you bear a...

...a strange resemblance to Mr McGee?

Er, yeah. Everyone says that. Er, don't they, Jake?

Yeah, boss. I mean, sure, Alvin.

Where is Mr McGee? (Calls) Er, Mr McGee?!

Maybe I better go in and, er, bring him out.

(Gangster voice) Oh, sorry, sir. I'm just taking a bath.

A bath?

Ballsy's a very impulsive man, Detective.

When he gets an urge to do something, he just does it.

Anywhere.

Er, you'll have to excuse Mr McGee.

He's, er, in the bath.

With one of the ladies.

Oh, he is, eh?

What do you want to see him for?

Er, well, I-1...I don't rightly know.

I, er...l feel that I would like to see you and Mr McGee

in the, er, same room... at the same time.

Well, er...just a peek.

He's in a rather, er, intimate situation at the moment,

if you, er...understand what I mean?

Eh?

Shh!

Half his luck.

What would you say if I asked you into a bath like that?

Well, I'd say you'd be stiff, Detective.

We've gotta get rid of that body!

Right. Spike, give him a hand.

Make it snappy. We've gotta be in the cabaret in 10 minutes.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS)

(Sings) # See the magic on my wall

# From the movies and amusement halls

# I've got an Edward G. and a Monroe still

# Dreaming is cheap and I've had my fill

# Come the day when the time is right

# Using feelings, born of sound and sight

# I'm an actor but I've got no part

# Don't need no lines 'cause they're right here in my heart

# And it's all in the way that they use my face

# Finding a friend who can take my place

# All in the way that they use my face

# And I see myself...

# ..on the shelf some day

# It's been a while Still no role to play

# City streets and lonely bars that crowd my day

# Thoughts of fantasy and love supreme

# Riding on a charger with a movie queen

# Phoned my lady but there's no-one there

# Dressing up and sitting round and going nowhere

# Lost her to a writer of some TV show... #

(German accent) I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, Ballsy...

...but I got it on the grapevine the Hatchet is after you.

W-Who told you dat?

I'm sorry, Ballsy, I cannot reveal my sources,

but don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm glad you like it.

Is there no escape?

This is your last chance, Fingers.

Will I never be rid of you, you tedious little gnome?

I won't ask you again.

Do you swear it?

Ohh!

Always overacting.

# Cross the street and buy a magazine... #

Look, how reliable is dat, er, Loopy Snieder?

He'll give you the inside dope on everybody, McGee.

In fact, he is the inside dope.

He used to be in an asylum.

I-1-I'm relieved to hear dat, er, Fingers.

# Dress me and direct me and I could look just the same

# As a man that swims a river, who alone can win the war

# There's a million of us hoping that you'll open one small door

# And it's all in the way that they use my face

# Finding a friend who can take my place

# It's all in the way that they use my face

# And I see myself...

# ..on the shelf

# And it's all in the way that they use my face

# Finding a friend who can take my place

# It's all in the way that they use my face

# And I see myself...

# ..on the shelf

# And it's all in the way that they use my face

# All in the way that they use my face

# It's all in the way All in the way they use my face

# All in the way All in the way that they use my face

# All in the way. # ( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

We leave at the end of the magician's act.

Shit.

What's happened? The magician's cabinet.

(Whispers) What's the matter? That's where we stuck Balls's body.

What are you two carrying on about?

Nothing that won't keep, Fingers.

Not so sure of that. Pretty much on the nose now.

MAGICIAN: Ladies and gentlemen, for this disappearing act

I shall need a volunteer from the audience.

Whilst I can guarantee your safety,

remember, nobody comes out of the disappearing cabinet

exactly the same as they went into it.

It will be a magical experience that will change your life.

Perhaps, er, you, sir, would, er, care to assist us

in an exhibition of the mystic arts?

Um, no, thank you, no.

Oh, surely the great McGee isn't chickening out.

Oh, well, no... it's just, er, not my style.

I'm sure our American friend will be only too happy to assist you.

( APPLAUSE AND CHEERING )

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to witness

is one of the greatest disappearing acts ever performed in public.

First performed by the famed Houdini,

it has puzzled audiences all over the world

for over half a century.

The essence of what is about to happen is its simplicity.

Our volunteer will enter the empty cabinet,

the door will be closed upon him

and, from a distance of three paces,

I will utter the magic spell that will cause his body to vanish.

Don't worry, sir.

Although your body will vanish from inside the cabinet,

you will experience no physical discomfort whatever

and we will return you as soon as possible.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as this act requires the utmost in concentration

from both myself and our volunteer,

I must ask that you all remain absolutely silent.

You are ready, sir?

Naturally. ( DRUM ROLL )

(Audience laughs)

(Audience laughs)

Abracadabra! Sim sala bim!

Ladies and gentlemen, a mystic spell has been uttered

and, as you will see, our volunteer has vanished.

( CYMBAL CRASHES) (Audience gasps)

Jesus.

That's blown it.

Hah...ah...

.ladies and gentlemen,

um, the Great Maldini, at this, the moment of his greatest triumph,

feels absolutely weak,

the very universal energy drained from his veins.

As you can see, this man is clinically dead.

(Audience mutters)

If there were time,

the Great Maldini would ask you to come up, all of you, one...a-a-all,

and...and feel his pulse 'cause there's not a drop of vein.

But it's not an experience for the faint of heart.

So instead he will put him into the cabinet

and with a "sim' and a 'bim...sala' close the doors

and...completely, without a moment of hesitation or delay,

restore him to life before our very eyes.

Abracadabra. ( DRUM ROLL)

( CYMBAL CRASHES) (Audience gasps)

(Audience applauds and cheers)

And a big hand for the Great Maldini's magic feat.

Ohh! I thought I'd lost you, McGee.

Well, gentlemen, shall we be moving on? Hmm?

Well, we've had the entree, shall we now try the main course?

I must slip into my working jewellery.

FINGERS: Ohh! Cut yourself shaving? (Mumbles angrily)

( MUTED BEEPING )

The electronic eye's still on.

I thought it had been taken care of! So did I. Somebody's goofed.

I'll blast it. What?! Are you out of your mind?

Well? What do we do now, McGee?

( MUTED BEEPING QUICKENS )

( SINISTER MUSIC )

( BEEPING STOPS )

I've got to hand it to you, McGee. First that act upstairs, now this.

Tell me, how do you do it?

Er, an old pro never gives away any secrets, er, Fingers.

48.. left...

...25...right...

...and 21.. left...

I don't understand it!

It's just not my day.

That's the combination.

Over to you, McGee.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Cop that, you boring big people!

Please, Dwart, don't shoot me.

I've always liked you very much.

You're only saying that.

No, really. Here let me show you.

Let me out! Let me out of here!

You've done it again, McGee. Open this door!

Beautifully executed. Come on! Let me out!

A classic...doublecross. Let me out!

Come on! Let me out of here!

Open this door!

( SINISTER MUSIC )

It's the bloody Hatchet! Let's get out of here!

Hey? What are we gonna do?! Let's split up.

We'll go in the car of Balls. Alright.

Meet at the airport at 9:00.

That was close.

If you'd warned me the Hatchet was after us...

Loopy warned you. That is crazy.

He and the Weevils are going to kill you.

What the hell for?

Because you made the deal with Fingers.

Oh, no. Don't worry.

They won't find us here.

( ROMANTIC MUSIC)

SONG: # I won't ask I don't need no reason why

# Could be a throw of dice or a spaceship in the sky

# My poor old head's so full of you and I need you by my side

# I'd almost say tomorrow, “Come on, baby, just let it ride”

# Sweet stranger, make me sing and make me smile

# Sweet stranger, let me make it all worthwhile

# Sweet stranger, knowing there ain't no end

# Come on, baby, let me be your friend

# Taking it easy, make it easy

# One more time

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Sweet stranger, make me sing and make me smile

# Sweet stranger, let me make it all worthwhile

# Sweet stranger, knowing there ain't no end

# Come on, let me be your friend

# Taking it easy, make it easy

# One more time. #

What will we, er, do for the next couple of hours?

Very simple.

( ROMANTIC MUSIC)

You know that time at the roulette table?

I knew you could not be Balls McGee.

Why didn't you say something?

I couldn't really put my finger on it.

And you think you can now?

I know I can.

And I will.

( BIRDSONG )

( MILITARY-STYLE DRUMMING )

( SOMBRE, DIGNIFIED MUSIC )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE CONTINUES )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE STOPS )

(Gasps)

Let's get out of here!

( CAR ENGINE STARTS )

( RAPID MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

Shit!

Huh!

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE CONTINUES )

(Laughs maniacally)

Shit!

( TYRES SQUEAL )

( TYRES SQUEAL )

(Laughs maniacally)

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

( TYRES SQUEAL )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

Damn!

( TYRES SQUEAL )

( ENGINE STOPS )

(Revs engine)

(Laughs triumphantly)

(Alvin revs engine)

(Growls and mutters)

( TYRES SQUEAL )

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

Ha ha ha!

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE )

(Laughs maniacally)

( MACHINE-GUN FIRE ) (Screams)

( TYRES SQUEAL )

( FREE-FORM JAZZ MUSIC )

I thought you'd never make it! But we did.

Not THAT sort of making it.

P.A.: Last call for passengers on TAA flight 427 to Sydney.

This flight is now ready for departure.

(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES )

( JAZZ MUSIC CONCLUDES )

Does, er, that look better?

So that's the Hatchet, eh?

Eugh.

Don't turn around now, but you see those two men with Boobs?

We've gotta get rid of them both.

What about Boobs?

Boobs too.

They were all at the robbery.

( UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC)

Hey, am I imagining it or are we being followed?

You're imagining it.

I know it must be pretty dull and ordinary, Alvin,

now you're not a stand-in gangster anymore.

I'll tell you, though - it's a good deal healthier.

(Fires machine-gun)

(Laughs)

( TYRES SQUEAL )

( GUNFIRE )

Out of the way! Jeez!

(Fires gun) (Screams)

( HORN BLARES )

( GUNSHOT)

(Groans) ( COMICAL SOUNDS )

( FUNKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Oh-oh-OHHHH!

( BRAKES SCREECH )

(Snarls)

( CLOCK CHIMES THE HOUR )

( BEEP!)

(Screams) ( HORSE NEIGHS )

(CYMBALS CRASH )

( BOING!) Watch where you're going, furry!

Sorry, mate. You want a knuckle sandwich, ya mug?

If you're making it. ( BEEP!)

You bloody great lump!

( COMICAL MUSIC)

( BOING!)

( TWANG! )

( MUSIC STOPS )

( COMICAL MUSIC RESUMES )

( BANG!)

(Fires gun)

( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

( GUNSHOT) (Groans)

You got me!

Just a fluke, lady. A damn lucky shot.

( COMICAL MUSIC)

(Fires gun)

zz Ugh! Ugh! (e22P)

Not bad, darling.

You're improving.

( COMICAL MUSIC) Arggh!

( MILITARY BUGLE MUSIC)

Hey, Hatchet!

( BOING!)

Oh, oh... Whoaaa!

( BOINNNG! )

(Weakly) Now you see the value of constant practice.

Are you comfortable, sir? Oh, yes, thanks.

Well, anything you want, just press your Hostess Call button.

I'll be at the back of the plane.

Careful, Alvin.

I wouldn't advise it, boy.

I'd hate to think what would happen

if you came up against Boobs on a dark night.

Pistols? Stilettos? Hatchets?

I mean, she'd stop at nothing.

Now, Spike, don't be awful.

You know how I feel for Alvin.

I thought that hostess was pretty attractive.

Can't you restrain yourself just this once for me, Alvin?

Alright. Ill try.

What I want now is some peace and quiet for us both.

I hope you don't find that too boring.

(Laughs maniacally)

(Continues laughing)

( MANIC LAUGHTER ECHOES )

( UPBEAT MUSIC)

SONG: # Hey, Alvin

# Though you're on your way

# Wingin' through the air

# It's a brand-new day

# Alvin, come what may

# Oh, Alvin

# How you've been through it all!

# Thieves and guns and guys and dolls

# Havin' such a ball

# Or are you bound to have a fall?

# Why?

# Why, why does it have to be you?

# I ask you, already

# Why?

# Why, why does it have to be you?

# You tried to avoid it

# Did your best not to attend

# But they wooed you and they pursued you

# And they got you in the end

# Why?

# Why, why did it have to be you?

# Alvin (Girls sing) # Alvin

# You're in love - there"s no doubt

# Can you last the distance?

# Let it all hang out?

# Ha ha - that's

# That's what it's all about

# Alvin # Alvin

# We wish you all the best

# Knowing the stock you're made of

# We know you'll stand the test

# But please

# Give it a rest

(Laughs)

# Why

# Why, why does it have to be you?

# Oh, yeah

# Jump back

# Why

# Why, why does it have to be you?

# Why?

# Why does it have to be you?

# Why couldn't it have been Big Julie?

# Or Harry the Horse?

# Or Louie the Lip?

# Why does it have to be you?

# Hey, Alvin

# Why?

# Why couldn't it have been me, already?

# Why does it have to be you? #