All language subtitles for A Slightly Pregnant Man (1973) -- Jacques Demy revised

A SLIGHTLY PREGNANT MAN

DRIVING SCHOOL

Stay on the right.

Stay on the right, Miss Janvier.
The right.

Just try to be relaxed.

The red light, the brakes first,
the clutch...

You're gonna kill them!

There you are.

You see, you killed the engine.

Always remember to take your foot
off the clutch pedal.

I've told you a dozen times
this morning, haven't I?

Relax your grip
on the steering wheel.

- It won't go away.
- How am I supposed to steer then?

Let's be serious now.

It's green.

Now you may pull ahead.

Look at that!
They start crossing when it turns green.

Stupid pedestrians!

Let up on the clutch slowly.

We'll make a right turn.

Stop for the woman.

Watch out!

She has the right-of-way, Miss Janvier.

You know that.
Now pull ahead slowly.

- The turn signal.
- It's on.

It's blinking for a left turn.
You're turning right!

Apply the clutch, otherwise you'll ki...
The clutch!

Oh, I told you.

You killed it again.

Miss Janvier,

you're discouraging.

You don't listen.
That's the trouble!

I do listen!

But it's too much for me to do.

Turn signals, shifting, breaking,

use the clutch...

You'll have to continue
with our lessons.

You won't pass the test
if you don't work harder.

You'll simply have to make
more progress.

Tomorrow at 5:00, all right?

Yes, Mr. Mazetti.

And stop crying.
That doesn't do you any good.

No, Mr. Mazetti.

- Good bye, Mr. Mazetti.
- See you tomorrow.

- Afternoon, Miss Janvier.
- Good afternoon.

Hey, the pickup's new transmission...

- Busted.
- Oh, shit.

Tell me.

Right in the middle of an intersection,

when the traffic's at its worst.

Bang. She breaks down.

The shift's stuck,
she won't budge.

She won't turn over,
won't back up, nothing.

And Mr. Mantique is supposed
to have his road test next week.

I'm out of luck.

We'll rent you a pickup
in the meantime.

See, we'll have that license
for you yet.

We can catch up tomorrow.

- Let's say 3:00?
- Sure, fine.

- See you then.
- Good bye.

You okay?

No, I have a headache.

It keeps pounding,

like a herd of wild horses.

You even look bad.

- You think so?
- You're pale.

- Really?
- You're white, or more yellow.

We'll go over to Paul's
and have a drink.

Take a couple of aspirin.

No, I'm too busy.
I have Martin at 6:00.

Come on,
you've got 20 minutes yet.

- Okay.
- There you go.

You're fine.

Hello. No, it's Soumain.

Just a minute.

Hey, it's Irène.

Hello, dear.

I hope you haven't forgotten that we're
taking Lucas to the movies tonight.

Oh, I have a headache.

He'll be furious.
Take something for it.

It's not my fault.
It keeps pounding away.

No one said it was.
Don't make us suffer for it.

I'd better go.
My customer just arrived.

I'll see you about 7:30 at home.

Do you love me?

You tell me the same thing
every night.

Good afternoon, madam.

Hello, Irène.

Are there no parking places
in the neighborhood at all?

I drove around for half an hour
before I found one.

- Won't you sit down?
- Thank you.

Sarah, will you take care
of madam's coat, please?

Have you ever seen
such a dreadful mess?

- Really?
- Like it that way?

It's a little dry, that's all,
like straw.

Janine, will you make up
a lemon rinse to follow the shampoo?

- How about a little trim?
- Do you think so?

Just the sides.
Pardon me.

Let's see.
That looks super, swept back like that.

- It looks younger.
- Yes!

- What do I owe you?
- Sarah, a trim and...

- A wash and set.
- That comes to 88 francs.

- Here.
- Thank you.

88, 90 and 10 makes 100.

Thanks.

- Good bye.
- Good bye, madam.

- Afternoon, Irène.
- Afternoon, Clarissa. How are things?

Bad. How can anything
go well these days?

And if it could go well,
where would it go?

Sarah, Madam St. Claire
is here for you.

Now then, I think if we shorten the sides
and comb it back...

- That's not a bad idea.
- This way.

Would you like anything to read?

- You wouldn't have the new "Vogue"?
- Sure.

- Look who's here.
- Hi, Lucas.

- Hello, Mom.
- Hello, darling.

- Hello, Lucas.
- I got a tooth that wiggles.

Let's see.
It doesn't look loose to me.

Is the movie still on tonight?

No. Father's got a headache.

It's time you did your homework.

That spoils the whole thing.
Make him take some aspirin.

There's always another night.

- Sure, like what about tonight?
- Look, Lucas, you heard me.

Time for homework.
Go wash your hands and face.

Okay, okay.

If my tooth comes out
I'll put it under my pillow.

Of course, dear.

I'm surprised. Does Lucas
still believe in tooth fairies?

Yes. He believes in the Tooth Fairy,
Santa Claus, the whole bit!

That's ridiculous,
filling his head with that stuff.

Absolutely ridiculous.

You're damn right there.

Why any boy would believe
in all that trash about fairies,

Santa Claus and Mother Goose
or God...

He'll never learn to tell truth
from fiction.

As far as Santa and the Fairy goes,
but for God, no.

There's no doubt that God exists.

That's the best I've heard all day.

- Did you hear that, Irène?
- I believe in it all.

I'd like it all to be true.

You'd swallow it all?

I haven't quite grown up yet.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- You're very welcome.

I sold three
in the last two months.

Yeah, big deal.

- It's expensive for what it is.
- That's what they all say.

But once you've got one,
you watch it.

- Helps to educate the masses.
- The masses sure could use it.

They're too smart
for the boob tube though.

I'm not complaining,
but you sold me a lemon.

Always fading out.

Let me have a look at it.
All it needs is regulating.

That's one of the best brands.

You know, I think
you ought to try a color set.

Say, Mazetti, my goddaughter
wants to learn how to drive.

- How old?
- 18.

Give me a quickie.
Good afternoon, fellas.

- Hi, Sonny.
- How's the new show?

Great. They gave me four comps
for tonight.

- Wanna go?
- I wish I could.

I've got to go to my brother's.
Anybody good?

Every night's good.
Tonight is Mareille Mathieu.

- You want them?
- No, I have a headache.

Hey, come.
You'll feel better tonight.

Well, tell me if you want them
or not.

'Cause if you don't,
there's always somebody who does.

- I'll have the same thing.
- Same for me too.

I wish it were Saturday night.

If it was Saturday night,
you couldn't get them. Here.

- Well, let me have three.
- Okay.

You wanna play me
for the next round?

Just a second.
Game's on me.

You've just come from
a successful concert tour in the U.S.

- Did you enjoy it?
- I loved it.

I can't imagine
a warmer welcome.

It's a pity I couldn't see
more of the country.

Leave it! It'll fall out soon enough.

I don't want to swallow it.

I'll be there for two weeks.

And I must say, the show
is such a success that I love being back.

Tell me something about
your new show.

Such a pretty face.
It's Ramona Martinez.

What do you mean?
That's Mireille Mathieu.

Old Ramona Martinez is an actress,
not a singer.

Really? Clear that away.

- I have to set the table.
- I'm not finished.

- Your parents will be here.
- They're a pain in the neck.

And you're a spoiled brat.

Loudmouthed, little monster.

- Good evening, madam.
- Good evening, sir.

You might, at least, say hello.

I've got a tooth coming out.

Oh, not yet.
Just keep on wiggling it.

Don't go.
I get a lousy picture on the TV.

Leboeuf will fix it.
Now turn it off.

It's not good for your eyes.

When you're 60,
you'll have to wear glasses.

I hear there's no movie tonight.

We're going to see Mireille Mathieu
at the Bobino.

- Great. You lose your headache?
- No, but it's better.

- I hope you finished your homework.
- Don't worry, I will.

There. See you tomorrow.

There's soup,
cold chicken and cheese.

- Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Until then.

Weird! I didn't even knock.

- Good evening.
- Good night.

- Hello, Ginou.
- Hello, Marco. Irène's not back?

She'll be here soon.
We're going to the Bobino.

You see, I told you.

I knew we should stop
on the way to the beauty parlor.

- It's not my fault.
- I know, of course not.

There she is!

- Hello, Ginou.
- Hello, dear.

- This is Jean-Paul, an old friend.
- Hello.

We stopped by
to drop something off.

What?

Look. I just perfected
my herbal beauty mask.

You'll see, it's wonderful.

If Marco wears it,
he'll have unisex appeal.

- We don't want you to miss the theater...
- What theater?

- First I've heard of it.
- Compliments of the Bobino.

- That's great.
- You'll be late. So long.

Did you notice the way
I made up my eyelid?

- Oh.
- Phosphorus. Glows at night.

It's perfectly ghoulish.

Keeps the wolves away.

Nice to see the two of you again.
Ciao, Marco.

- So long, sweetie.
- I'll see you to the door.

- Good night.
- Good bye.

- Oh, my sweet.
- Oh, my topolina.

- What is that again?
- It's a small rat.

- You think I'm a rat?
- Darling, it's romantic in Italian.

That's what you say.

- Love me?
- No one but you.

So we're going to the theater?
Got rid of your headache?

No, but I will.

I wish I knew what it was.
I've been woozy all afternoon.

It began in a traffic jam.

Oh, chicken again.

It's your liver.
Does it hurt when I push there?

No, but you're not strong enough
to really hurt me.

Can't be the liver then.

Lucas, come to the table.
We're gonna miss the first half.

- More?
- Yes.

"Our heart is young,
our songs are new."

"Our voices are sung
in a style of blue."

"And here she is, Mireille Mathieu!"

Whoopie!

Stop moving so.
What's wrong?

Excuse me.

I'm not feeling too good.

- Where's he going?
- He's coming right back.

I just couldn't keep supper down.

- Did you lose it?
- Yeah, but I don't feel better.

- What did papa say?
- Nothing, sweetheart.

I'm sorry.
I really feel miserable.

I'll go home.
You stay with Lucas.

I wouldn't think of it.
We'll go together.

We have to go.

- It's not over.
- I know. Papa doesn't feel well.

- Let's go.
- But it's not finished.

You heard me. Let's go!

- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night, Mom.

We ought to go again.

- Of course.
- Even if we have to pay for the tickets.

- Yes, I promise.
- You're crying?

I'm not crying, little man.
Sweet dreams.

- Good night, Mommy.
- Good night.

But what's wrong?

- Nothing at all.
- But there is.

You're crying.

Honey, what's the trouble?

I don't know what I'd do...

if I lost you.

But what could happen to me?

I don't know what, but

there's always something
that ruins everything.

Always when you least expect it.

You know Mrs. Robain's husband?

One night he had a headache,
and the next morning he was dead!

Don't be dramatic.
There's nothing wrong.

Actually, I'm feeling
much better now.

I had a touch of indigestion.
I just couldn't keep the damn chicken down.

But I ate everything you ate
and it didn't make me sick!

Something's wrong.
You ought to see a doctor.

I'm not seeing a doctor
for indigestion.

I wish you would,
just to please me, darling.

Delavigne's a good doctor.
Tomorrow I'll make an appointment.

No, tomorrow I'm busy all day.

You're not nice.

You won't even do me one favor.

Okay, I'll go then.

But it's a damn shame
to waste money like that on a silly quack!

Besides, once those witch doctors
get their hands on you,

you're stuck with them!

Mr. Mazetti?

Sit down, won't you, please?

I haven't had the pleasure
of meeting you,

but Irène has been
one of my patients for years.

- You aren't married.
- No. Well, yes and no.

Yes or no?

Well, I was married once.

Irène is more or less
my fiancée.

In other words, we live together.

So you have no children.

Yes, we do.
We have a little son.

I was still married
when I started going with Irène...

The usual story.

And how old is this boy?

Eight years old.

He's eight. Now, what exactly
is the trouble, Mr. de Mazetti?

Mr. Mazetti.
It's without the "de".

No problem. So...

Now, what's it all about?

Something's wrong.
I don't feel good.

I have a headache
and I feel dizzy.

And...

Dizziness...

recurrent headaches...

Well, then why don't we
have a look?

Get undressed, will you?

The top?

- What top?
- Take off my shirt?

Yes, take off your shirt.

Now, sit down.

Last night, for example,
I felt like a wet noodle.

A wet noodle?
Open your mouth.

Say, "ahh."

Cough a little.

The tongue looks
sound and healthy.

Eyes are clear and bright.

Will you lie down now?

Roll up your undershirt.

You never know...

You can always be sure
it'll happen when you least expect it.

- A headache and...
- Now, now.

The blood pressure was normal.

Also normal.

It's as sound
as money in the bank.

- Loosen your belt.
- My trousers' belt?

Of course.

Aren't we putting a bit
of a pot on there?

You should keep trim.

You need exercise at your age.

- What is your age?
- 41.

Tennis, golf, riding.
Whatever you like.

- What sort of work do you do?
- I'm a driving instructor.

I have my own school.

- And you sit all day long?
- Yes.

- That's fatal.
- Fatal?

Don't move.

That's rather unusual.

What did you eat last night?

What did I have?
Some chicken.

- Fried?
- Yes, fried chicken.

Just don't move, please.

- Do you have problems sexually?
- Sexually? No.

I don't think so.

You don't think so.

Don't move, please.

It seems most unusual.

- You're frightening me, Doctor.
- Breathe deeply.

- Keep breathing.
- Is something serious?

Once again.

Well, you may get dressed now.

Doctor, it's not for me I'm worried.

It's for my wife and the boy.

If something happened to me,
she'd be alone with the youngster.

- Doesn't she work?
- Yes.

- You needn't worry then.
- Yes.

You know, Doctor,

I'd much rather
you told me the truth.

- Is it serious?
- No, it's not a bit serious.

It's unusual.

In fact, you're not suffering
from an illness. It's rather...

How can I put this?

I assure you,
I'd feel better knowing everything.

It's most peculiar.

You're... swollen.

You're blossoming.

As though you were
expecting a baby.

Pardon?

It's true.
You're blossoming.

Like a fourth month pregnancy.

Well...

Well, that's not serious.

No, not serious at all.

But it could be disconcerting
to a man.

Yes, I suppose.
But I'm okay, outside of that?

Outside of that,
you couldn't be in better form.

I would like you to consult
a friend of mine, a gynecologist.

A gynecolo...

Yes, I know it's a word
you men seldom use,

but you'll get used to it.

But it can't be true!
You've got to be joking!

It's not certain.
I'm just raising the issue.

Let's not jump to conclusions.
Yes, I know.

You'll spend only one hour
of your time and you'll know for sure.

Hello, Gérard.
This is Delavigne.

- How's the old orgasm?
- Just fine, thanks.

I'm calling about a patient
whose case is rather curious.

How can I help?

- I'd like you to examine him.
- Is it urgent?

- Yes, indeed.
- Nine?

Nine in the morning?
I'll see.

Is tomorrow at 9:00 okay?

I think so.
I'm sure I can arrange it.

Chaumont, 9:00 will be fine.

- How many months?
- How many months?

Four, I suppose.

Well, haven't you asked?

When was her last period?
She ought to know that.

Believe me, this case
is exceptional.

The man's a friend of a patient
who was...

Mr. Chaumont's a tremendously busy man.
We're lucky he can see you so soon.

I'd like to place you on a strict diet
which you must begin immediately.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we welcome as our guest on "Talk Show"

the leading lady of "The Other Woman,"

the new play
by Samuel Goldenstein.

Is that better?

That's no good.
It still flips around.

And the other woman... Martinez
is again cast in the role of...

Now how is it?

It's still lousy.

There are lines
coming through it.

You almost have it.

It's perfect, huh?
Yes, it's perfect.

I can make it better.

You've done very well for yourself...

That's good.
That's very good.

Mireille Mathieu doesn't look
like Ramona Martinez.

Hello, Pop!
Look! My tooth came out!

I can't make it work better.

Get a color TV
and pay for it on time.

It's a bad time.
The car still isn't paid for.

Maybe later.
Want something to drink?

How late is it? I don't have time.
Maybe tomorrow.

How much will it be?

It won't be anything.
See you tomorrow.

Thanks.

See you tomorrow.

What did you buy?

Hey, strawberries!

Strawberries in this season?
You're the last of the big-time spenders.

- I saw them and couldn't resist.
- Hey, what's this?

A book. Now turn that off
and do your homework.

Your mother will be here soon
and you won't be ready for supper.

Yes?

Your dinner's in the oven.
I'm going. Good bye.

Thank you. Good night.

My tooth came out, Mom.
I put it under my pillow.

Let's see. Smile.

Poor dear.
Is your father home yet?

He's in the bedroom.

My sweet, how did it go?

- Don't tell me you feel worse.
- No, I'm fine. I was reading.

Tell me what she said.
It wasn't serious?

No, it wasn't.

You sure?
You're positive?

Yes, sure. Like I said,
it's nothing serious.

- It's just a bother.
- A bother?

More or less.
I've got to watch it, that's all.

- You've got to watch what?
- You know, everything.

Oh, no. Chicken again.

She's one of the nicest women,
but she hasn't got much imagination.

Let's go, Lucas.
Wash your hands and face.

Then come to the table.

So what did Delavigne say?

Well, I'm in the best of health,
good spirits and so on.

You know she's a very good doctor.

She saved mother's life
when she loaned us some money once.

But I told you that, didn't I?

I feel better.
You don't know what a day I've had.

I was in a foul mood all day,
imagining the worst. You know me.

- I suppose so.
- What's that?

That is a medical dictionary.
I bought it on the way home.

Is that what you
were reading before?

I was looking at the life of a microbe.
It's interesting.

It's true. Everyone talks about microbes.
What do they really know?

- Since when does that interest you?
- Well...

What do you take me for?
A moron?

No, my darling.

Don't cry, my sweet.

- You know very well...
- I don't know a thing!

You're not telling me the truth!

You wanna spare me.
I don't wanna be spared!

I'm stronger than you think!

Don't cry! Please don't.

Bastard!
You're making Mom cry!

I'm only crying
because Papa's sick.

That's why I'm so upset.
Now, run along, sweetheart.

- Papa is a nice man.
- I'm hungry.

You begin.
We won't take long.

Marco, my love,
tell me the truth.

- The truth, please.
- Don't be so upset.

It's nothing serious that I've got.

Now look!

I couldn't be very sick.

- Honestly?
- But what did I tell you?

- Don't worry!
- Okay, I won't.

There.

You realize, if anything ever
happened to you, you know what I'd do?

I'd die.

To face struggling alone,
living alone...

It would be too much.

I'd turn on the gas
and throw myself out of the window!

- I would!
- Yes, I know you would.

Aren't you hungry?

Yeah.

- You wanna eat?
- Yes. Come on.

Strawberries! You angel.

What luck to find them in February.
Must have cost a fortune!

They're marvelous.

When I was pregnant with Lucas,
I remember wanting strawberries.

- What's wrong? Are you in pain?
- My back hurts.

It's nothing.

You sit too much.

You've lost muscle tone.
We need more exercise.

Or doing more sports
like riding or tennis.

You and Soumain should go swimming
on Sunday instead of the races.

I swear she left the salt out.

The doctor told me
I ought to cut down on the salt.

Poor baby.

- Mom, I finished.
- Time for bed.

Go wash up and brush your teeth.

Will you help me with my boots?

I hope the Tooth Fairy
remembers to come get my tooth.

You know she never forgets.

You need to be sleeping, though.

You don't suppose the Fairy
looks like my mom?

- What makes you say that?
- You're the Tooth Fairy.

Me? I'm going to bed right now
because I'm exhausted.

I'll find out.
I won't sleep till she's come.

That's the end of that.
He no longer believes in fairy tales.

When little boys grow up
they're bored with that sort of thing.

You know what we need?
Another child.

- It's too bad you don't want one.
- I never said that.

I merely meant
we have all the time in the world.

Look at this little tooth.

I've never seen anything
quite so cute.

Besides the doctor,
how was the rest of your day?

So-so. It took all day
to get the pickup truck repaired.

- I told you it broke down.
- What?

The pickup truck broke down
when we needed it most.

- Soumain was upset.
- It couldn't have been his fault.

No, it kept him from teaching.

You might have asked me
how my day was.

Okay, how was it?

I have three new clients.

If the salon were a little bigger,

I'd be able to do more than twice
the business we do now.

You know what?
I think Janine is going to be quitting.

- Really?
- Yes.

From the looks of it,
she's going to have a child.

She didn't mention pregnancy,
but you get that impression.

Between women,
we just kind of know that thing.

Sorry to annoy you.

No, darling,
it's just that I'm awfully tired.

I guess there's always another time.
Want the light out?

Yes.

You worry too much.

Besides, the doctor said
it was nothing serious.

Yes, I know, I know.

Hey, you know,
you're putting on weight.

You'll have to go on a diet, huh?

Good morning, sweetheart.

It's 8:00.

Wake up, dear.

Morning, Mom.

Look, Mom! The Tooth Fairy
left one franc for my tooth.

That's pretty cheap for a fairy.
What do I buy with one franc?

A franc's a lot of money
for the Tooth Fairy.

Put your shoes on.

- Your coffee is ready.
- Coming.

Hurry up, sweetheart.
It'll get cold.

- It's too hot
- Blow on it then.

It's half past.
Your first lesson's at quarter to 9:00.

- No.
- Okay.

I canceled the first two students.
I'll see them later.

Have something else.
Some toast, at least.

I'll be late.
So long, Mom.

So long, baby.

Good bye, Pop.

Good bye, sweetie.

I've got to see a specialist.

Specialist?
Why didn't you say so?

- I'm going with you.
- No, no...

- It's true then.
- What's true?

It's more serious than I imagined.

A specialist.

You wouldn't have
told me that either, would you?

Yes, I would have told you.

- What kind of a specialist?
- A specialist.

A specialist in common illnesses.

You're very funny.

I know you think I'm stupid,
but I'm not that stupid.

That's a good one.
"A specialist in common illnesses."

Really...

Marco, what's wrong?
You're pale!

Would you stop the car, dear?

- Your turn signal, jerk!
- Go to hell, big mouth!

Marco, Marco, my love.

- Tell me the truth.
- I feel dizzy.

Weak as a baby.

Marco, tell me what's wrong,
no matter what.

I have to know.

Tell me the facts.
Is it awfully bad?

I...

I'm-I'm pregnant.

- Well, Professor?
- It's four months under way!

- Marvelous!
- She's coming to.

- I'd forgotten her.
- The shock was too much for her.

Oh, Irène.

My sweet.

- Bastard!
- My little...

- Keep away from me!
- Calm yourself.

He's been cheating on me.
I trusted him!

- That's that!
- Doctor, explain it to her!

Keep away from me, you hear?

- You're unbearable.
- To the contrary...

I'd like to cut his throat!

Imagine him doing that to me!
It's repulsive!

Repulsive is a bit strong.

What do you mean?
It's revolting!

Professor feels that things
we find abnormal now

may be normal in the future, right?

- Absolutely.
- What's going on?

Listen to the professor!

- So it's true?
- It certainly is.

Your husband is pregnant.

Pregnant? But by whom?

By you, dear lady!

Oh, no, you're wrong there.
Not by me.

I know I'm naive,
but I'm not an idiot.

I've already had a child with him,
so I know what it means.

Up till then he was perfectly normal,
at least that's what I thought.

Don't belittle me.
Please, you're being unfair.

You needn't worry, madam.
Your husband is perfectly constituted.

- And I doubt if he's homosexual.
- Dr. Delavigne, please.

We know very well that
homosexuals can't have children.

It requires a man and a woman.

Actually, in your case,
the sexual norms were inverted.

The roles were transferred.

- They've all gone mad!
- Yes, but look...

There's a baby in there
I'm going to give birth to.

Won't you sit down?

The reaction of madam will be
considered normal, sad to say.

The happy event is bound
to cause a lot of sensation.

During the 12th century,

a Mongolian writer

recorded cases of pregnant men
in his remarkable work,

"A Voyage to the Occident."

The phenomena occurring
is perfectly comprehensible.

I've just concluded a research profile

which I will present before
the International Congress of Medicine.

You've no idea
how well you embody the theory

I put in my report,

warning of the enormous risk we take

in destroying the natural,
hormonal balance in the body.

Absolutely electrifying!
Excuse me, Professor.

The world today
is removed from reality.

Modern man is incapable
of surviving by his own instinct.

I doubt if you can name
your own worst enemy, the food you eat,

our daily dose of chemical swill,
which we absorb without any complaint.

The absorption of
this unnatural material every day

in the last analysis leads to
a complete transformation of our organisms.

Hence the flap over chickens
fed with hormones.

- My God.
- In the last 10 years,

I've observed subtle transformations
occurring

among my male patients

and their wives.

We now know that
a surplus of certain hormones

affects the virility of the male.

A decrease in body hair
takes place.

The chest grows breasts,
the voice rises in pitch,

a man's aggressiveness
is toned down.

He becomes more sensitive,

even hypersensitive.

From there,
it's but a small step...

to conception.

And we've just taken that step.

Isn't it fascinating?

You are the first victim

or the first triumph
of a revolutionary social transformation.

Millions of men, the world over,
will experience

the joys of bearing children.

And you think...

You think that chickens are responsible
for this transformation?

Of course, we don't.

It's merely one of a host of factors
the world of science doesn't understand.

We don't know whether the wonder drugs
have certain side effects, do we?

Perhaps there is some common food
on the market,

some product which would further
this fecundity of the male.

- A sort of counter-contraceptive pill.
- Oh, my poor baby.

We'll continue our salt-free diet,
as prescribed by Dr. Delavigne.

Reduce, if not stop smoking
for the time being.

No alcohol and no violent sports,
naturally.

You've got to stop
going to the races.

Is that all?

You're not diseased.
You're only pregnant.

Come see every month.

I'd like to follow
your progress myself.

Excuse my outburst,
but I don't think I've ever been...

- So surprised.
- Well, yes, surprised.

It was so unexpected that...

I probably don't know the first thing,
but shouldn't we have X-rays?

No, it's far too dangerous
for the child.

We'll wait until after the seventh month.

If my mother gets wind of this...

It's better if we don't
talk about this for the moment.

You may safely announce
the happy news.

With your permission, I'd be honored
to propose your case

to the International Congress
of Medicine.

I may be superstitious,
but we shouldn't talk about it.

Both of us are in business.
You know how people gossip.

Professor knows best, though.

It's difficult to keep silent
when such a momentous event occurs.

- Isn't it?
- Your case will interest

the world of science most passionately.

We face a complete revolution
in the nature of our species.

A new society on the face of the earth.

It's an event without precedent.
This calls for a press conference.

Now, what's that?

You ever see that?
They're all over town.

- It means no entry.
- Well, what do you know?

No entry.

What's this?

A motorbike.

Did I sound like a motorbike?
It means a train crossing.

Forget it.

You've got to learn
that stuff by heart because...

the examiner goes by the book.

- You don't take liberties with that.
- Good afternoon.

Is Mr. Mazetti in?

I'll be with you in a minute.

That's the rule book.

Memorize it.
Have your wife help you.

Don't come back
until you know every word of it, okay?

Yeah, sure, Soumain.

- Good bye and good luck.
- Good bye, sir.

Do your best.

- Madam?
- Miss.

The well-known Ramona Martinez,

now appearing at
The Montparnasse,

a new work
by Goldenstein, in fact.

"The Other Woman" is the title
of the play.

I wish to learn how to drive.

Mr. Mazetti is not here.

But I can make an appointment for you.
Truck drivers are more my line.

Morning or afternoon?

Late morning or early afternoon.

Before lunch, even.
That works better for me.

Marco, for you.

Ramona Martinez.

I am the other woman
of Goldenstein.

You know... that new work of his.

I have an appointment
with you tomorrow, all right?

- At what time?
- Noon.

- See you tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.

I will love it.
I love all the simple things in life.

You know her?

I saw her on TV.
She's in a play across the street.

Did you see the sawbones?

- Yeah.
- Did he think anything was wrong?

Nope. Nothing special.

You're overworked, aren't you?

I think we should close up shop
for a couple of weeks

to get some skiing in.

There isn't going to be
anymore skiing from now on,

not for a while.

Did the doc forbid it?

Yes. Active sports are out.

- Then there is something wrong.
- Of course there is.

- Serious?
- Unusual.

Don't try. You'll never guess.

- Your heart.
- No.

- You can tell me.
- But you won't believe me.

Marco, out with it!

I'm pregnant.

I thought men weren't supposed
to get in trouble.

Something new.

- You been foolin' around?
- You want a punch in the nose?

- It's because of the food.
- What the hell you been eating?

Chicken, but it's more than that.

It's what you eat in general.

Your food is full of crap
and the next thing you know,

you're as big as a balloon.

It can happen to anybody,
even you.

That's ruined my appetite.

I'm giving up food from now on.

How did Irène take it?

When she found out,
she was surprised, like anybody.

For now, she's used to it.

I think she's even glad.

Anyhow, she wanted another one.

The worst is gonna be
when you tell the boys.

If you don't make a big deal,
no one will know.

I only told you
because we work together.

Besides, I'm supposed to quit working
when I'm in the seventh month.

When will that be?

Three months.

Now this one is chic.
It's got flair.

I sold one in red
to one of your classmates.

- No.
- No? It comes in other colors.

- Green? It's more striking.
- Yes, it is.

It's cute. And it suits you.

- May I show Bob?
- Yes.

- Come have a look, hon.
- That ain't my thing.

Come on.
Tell me what you think.

Meet Irène.
My boyfriend Bob.

Hello, sir.

Pardon me, sir.
May I see your paper a second?

- Would you like a magazine?
- What?

Oh, no. It was that paper
I wanted.

Here. It's all yours.

- There's nothin' in it.
- Thanks.

Who says there's nothing.
There's always the news.

Hey, kid. Get a move on.

Bobby, just a sec, will you?

- I'll take it.
- You're gonna love it.

Besides it's washable.

- How much is it?
- It's 150 francs.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

- Good bye
- Good bye.

We're all dry now.

I wouldn't put up with a man like him
for three minutes.

You heard the way
he spoke to her?

The poor child.
Stuck with that.

How do you like that?

It says, "Man to give birth to child,
says Professor Chaumont de Latour."

Now I've heard everything.
Not that I'm complaining.

Turnabout's fair play.

Read the rest.
It's interesting.

"This phenomenon
is somewhat surprising."

No kidding!

"But there's no doubt
it's becoming a common thing."

"The man who is expecting a child
is Mr. Marco Mazetti of Paris."

"Scheduled to speak to
the International Congress of Medicine,"

"Professor Chaumont de Latour
will explain his theory"

"of hormonal imbalance
in the modern world."

"He believes we are about to see a complete
transformation of the human species,"

"but also of our society."

"The fault lies with certain miracle drugs
which have crept into our daily diet"

"in alarming quantities."

It's really a bit much.

Mazetti? Irène, it can't be...

- It must be someone else.
- No, that's who it is.

- It's Marco.
- It's not possible! Your boyfriend?

It's true.

That's utterly wild!

How long have you known?

It was just officially confirmed today.

But for over a month
Marco hasn't been too well,

so I imagined the worst,
and it was that.

But I'm so happy for you.

It's quite marvelous.

If my husband could have a child...
I've never been able to have one.

- Things will never be the same now.
- What will it change?

I don't know. Everything?

As soon as men begin having children,
they'll have the pill too.

Then they'll have to legalize abortion.

I wonder if the Pope
will change his position on abortion

now that it affects him.

Darling, the Pope should abstain.

- Can I see the paper?
- Sure.

How about Marco?
Do you think he'll keep it?

Of course he will.
At least, I think.

We haven't talked about it.
But I'm very happy.

- That enough body for you?
- Yes.

- Shall I trim your bangs?
- No, it's perfect.

You like it?

At least they'll have something
to fuss about, crybabies that they are.

It's funny.

That's what I thought.
He began putting weight on.

Everyone does, sooner or later.

I had a talk with him yesterday.
But he didn't mention it.

But there's no mistake.
You see?

"Mazetti, driving instructor."

But there could be another one in Paris.
They didn't print his address.

Can you imagine installing antennas
when you're knocked up?

Crawling on a roof
with a belly like this.

Why should you be different?
We keep working.

On the streets, maybe.
Not on the roof.

If you don't mind,
you're being vulgar.

- Monique.
- Here's something I don't understand.

How is it possible?
Something's got to cause it.

It can't be because Italians
are any different.

Hey, do you think Soumain's responsible?

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Wanna play pinball?
- No, I don't have time.

- Is it true what we hear?
- What?

Is it you or not in the paper?

- Why, sure it's me.
- Hello, Marco.

- Hello.
- You mean, it's true?

Yes, it's true.

You're not going to make
a big deal of it?

- No, but we can talk about it.
- You don't read about it every day.

- Hey, you want that game?
- What will you be drinking?

- A beer for me.
- Same thing?

No, no beer.
A glass of water.

This is my goddaughter Monique.

- How do you do? - Are you
the one that wants to learn to drive?

- Yeah, but I don't think I will.
- You see? It's not very obvious.

I want to believe it,
but it's beyond belief.

You know what Chaumont says?
"It's only the beginning."

- Beginning of what?
- You didn't read the article?

- No.
- The world's turned upside-down.

Now I could be stuck with a kid.
Any one of us.

- And not even know why.
- It won't affect me. I'm too old.

And I don't like chicken.

Nobody knows for sure
that chickens are to blame.

Have you felt it move yet?

No, but according to what
Chaumont told me,

it should happen soon.

- You must feel weird as hell.
- Not any weirder than any woman.

And we don't complain.

Say... don't forget Ramona.

I won't be able to take her today.
I won't get back before 4:00.

- Where are you going?
- To pick up the truck.

If I'm a little late,
keep Miss Janvier calm.

- Okay.
- So long, fellas.

- Ciao, Marco.
- Good bye.

You can tell,
when you look carefully.

He never walked that way before.

Tell us Soumain,
you wouldn't be the father, would you?

- He didn't want to.
- Good old Soumain!

- See you this afternoon.
- So long.

Hurry it up.
I'll get a table for us.

I'm coming.

You know, Irène...

I should warn you...
I have to quit working soon.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, you too, huh?

I suspected as much.

Yes?

When will you leave?

I'm not sure.

Perhaps I could stay
another month or two.

But I'm telling you now
so you can find someone else.

Yes, I understand.

I'll really miss you, Janine.

I will too, believe me.

See you later then. Bye.

So long, dear.

- Hello, Mr. Mazetti.
- Hello, Janine.

- Did you read the article?
- Yes.

- It's awkward.
- Why do you say that?

They'll find out sooner or later.

Do you feel all right?
You're acting funny.

- On the contrary, I'm fine.
- Should we have lunch?

- Would you mind giving me a shampoo?
- Right now?

Yeah.

Sure. If you want.

Sit down there.

It's about time
we discussed the situation.

- Is that too cold?
- No, it's fine.

What situation?

Our situation.

You know they're gossiping about it.

Of course they are.
We can't help that.

I guess we can't.

But I was thinking...

because now that
I'm in this condition,

I figured, you should decide.

What do you mean?
Decide what?

About marriage.

It'd be the best for the kid
if we legalize the situation.

Really?

I don't mind.

It's fine with me, if you insist.

Oh, yes.

- Your wife?
- What about my wife?

We're divorced.
She does what she wants, so do I.

And so do you.

Don't forget, you got me pregnant.
Don't think you can run out on me!

- Hello, Maria.
- Did you come for lunch?

No, I was in the neighborhood.
I thought we'd have a talk.

Look at you.
You put on weight.

That's precisely why I'm here.

I'm... I wanted you to know that...

I'm getting married.

One marriage wasn't enough for you?

The trouble is, Maria,
I have to get married.

- I'm pregnant.
- You're what?

- Yes, I am.
- Can't you ever be serious?

You'd think you'd be serious
just this once.

You can't talk of marriage
without being funny, can you?

Pregnant, are you?

If the girl wants to get married,
marry her.

But will you leave me alone?
I can't stomach your humor.

As if there were anything humorous
about pregnancy.

You ruined one marriage
with your silly jokes.

What's the point
of ruining another one?

- Another loudmouthed customer?
- No, no.

He's my ex husband.
He's out of his skull.

Takes himself for the Virgin Mary.

- Mom, may I leave the table?
- Yes, you may.

Put your pajamas on.

I wanna watch television.

No, it's too late.

Oh, don't grumble.

By the way,
have you mentioned it to Lucas?

No, I mean, not yet.

- I don't know where to begin.
- We can't keep it secret for long.

He's liable to start asking
annoying questions.

Annoying for who?

- I don't know.
- Who's asking annoying questions?

Nobody, dear.

Sit down, darling.

Well, your mom and dad
have a great big surprise for you.

You're going to have
a baby brother or sister.

You got to be pregnant first.

I'm not going to be, sweetie,
because this time

it's papa that's having the baby.

Won't that be nice?

I couldn't care less
if it's him or you.

But you always said
it's the women who have kids.

Yes, but...

Before that was how things worked.
But now, everything's changed.

On account of women's lib?

No, not really.

The men decided to help out women.

Then you had to give
the seed to Father.

Well...

we're not sure if that's how
it happened.

- Has the system changed now?
- Sort of.

Yes, now go to bed, Lucas.

- Night, Pop.
- Good night, rabbit.

I wouldn't mind a little sister.

Girl or boy,
it doesn't really matter.

Good night, Mom.

My pants won't button up anymore.

- Look.
- Let's see.

Why, you're an incredible
five months.

You're going to be enormous.
You don't suppose it'll be twins?

I don't know what to do.

You'll just have to have bigger
tailor-made trousers.

And wear suspenders, obviously.

It makes me feel funny, you know.

- Of course, I'm not used to it.
- Well, me neither.

Pull ahead. Slowly, slowly.

There. That's it.

Now, this is very important.

If anyone's crossing the street,
you turn and look.

Your arm goes up there.
Keep looking.

That way.

Put it in gear.

Let out the clutch.
No! Don't race the engine!

Switch it off.
Turn off the ignition.

I'll show you. Change places.

- Miss Janvier, can you help me?
- Yes.

Push it there.

It just won't go back any further.

Marco!

Telephone.

Will you excuse me?

Will you finish Miss Janvier's
lesson for her?

To make everything worse,
I can't get behind the wheel now.

- You pushed the seat back?
- It won't go back any further.

I've got a backache too.
If this keeps up, I'll have to quit.

- Who is it?
- Didn't ask.

Hello.

This is Prenatif Incorporated.
Our director would like to speak to you.

I've placed your call.
Mr. Mazetti, on line three.

Hello, this is Scipion Lemeu,

director of Prenatif Incorporated,

ready-to-wear
for the expectant mother.

I haven't had the pleasure
of meeting you, sir,

but I'm looking forward to that.

What do you wanna meet me for?

B-Because...
What shall I say?

Your position is of potential interest
to our company.

We've just had a chat
with Professor Chaumont

and we're planning a new campaign

which will deal with a subject
that you're familiar with,

since it concerns...
What shall I say...

masculine maternity.

That's paternity.

Let's say maternal paternity,
if you prefer.

We hope to have
your opinions and suggestions,

and we naturally would expect
to have exclusive rights.

In return for which
we're willing to...

Your agent can handle
the business end.

Do you think tomorrow is convenient?

Tomorrow around 2:00?

All right. Prenatif.

Yes, fine.

Good bye.

Hello. Irène's Coiffure Salon.

Hello, dear. It's me.

Can you get away tomorrow at 2:00?

At 2:00 tomorrow?

No, I'm booked
for a wash and set.

Cancel. This is important.

But how important, dear?

Not over the phone.
I'll explain later.

I want you to keep in mind
the clientele to which we're catering.

There will be an enormous difference
from this day on.

We've always had to aim
our campaign at women.

We'll start by creating a department
of masculine ready-to-wear

and immediately begin designing
a collection for men.

A garment that's ample but retains
a practical nature as pregnancy advances

that would appeal
to a factory worker, for example.

We might come up with
an adjustable outfit, like this.

Suitable during the fifth to ninth months.

We could consider an office smock
in cotton twill.

Loose in the middle and closed
at the collar with a large button.

Sailor's trousers with a drop front are
stunning for the average man on the street.

Tell us what you think.

Well, it all sounds good to me.

But then, Marco's the one to...

I-I don't know.

I suppose what a fellow
looks for in clothes is comfort.

That's it. Clothes for comfort!

Mr. Mazetti knew what we wanted...
clothes for comfort!

Isn't that a catchy phrase?

"Prenatif presents clothes for comfort."

- Got that, Solange?
- It's perfect, sir.

- I'm sure we'll find better.
- Always room for improvement.

We need a complete line
adapted to the various seasons,

to the various activities
one takes part in.

For example, when it's snowing
out of doors,

a harmonious ensemble
of blue and gray velvet.

In springtime, for golfing,
youthful and aesthetic,

we'll combine a light alpaca

with a tough synthetic.

Later on, a summer print.
Something for the beach.

Informal, inexpensive Bermudas

are within every man's reach.

The autumn, in Paris...

For the evening's gala.

I should think a velvet cape

over an eye-catching brocade.

Before we can launch
this unprecedented campaign,

we must be assured
of your closest collaboration, Mr. Mazetti.

Uh, I'd be happy to.

But you'll have to explain
how I can be of help to you.

It's so simple, Mr. Mazetti.

You represent the future...
tomorrow's man.

We're hoping to implant your image
in the public mind

in conjunction with our name.

It's publicity you want.

We want nothing but the best.

Question of prestige.

You'll do the odd television appearance,

one or two publicity photos
and so on.

Yes, but I can't stop working.

I have my school, the students.

But once you've signed the contract
which we've proposed,

you'll be very well rewarded
for your services.

Oh, well,
that would make a difference.

Do you mind if I ask
what you're proposing?

Of course not.

Gentlemen, you may go now.

Lamarie, stay here, will you?

Solange, you'll find a provisional contract
under "Mazetti."

Come a little closer, please,
won't you?

What would you think
if Prenatif would completely assume

all expenses which you will incur

with the child, beginning today,
and including the birth

to the age of 10 years?

Is that all?

It's a decade, madam.

We have also provided for
a sort of remuneration.

Renewable every year,
if our campaign to win over the public

has the success we hope for.

How much?

10,000 francs.

That's per month.

That includes a vacation?

If you wish.

- Now, look, darling...
- I just wanted to know.

You'd be foolish to refuse.

No, no! I accept!

Yes!

Solange, will you add the clause
madam suggested.

- A month's annual vacation at our expense.
- Yes, sir.

It's been a real pleasure.

- Congratulations.
- We're so happy for you, madam.

It emphasizes his shape too much.

- No, it's cut beautifully.
- Shouldn't you lower that?

Don't make me laugh.
You men are such amateurs.

- You sound as if you've had experience.
- I've had seven children.

- All in perfect health.
- Are you ready there?

Yes, any time you are.
Thank you, madam.

This way, Mr. Mazetti.

MEN FOR YOU
PRENATIF IS READY FOR EVERYTHING

Hold it!

Don't move.

Smile.

Which generally constitutes
the final phase of the first cycle.

And as you can see
for yourselves,

by the ninth month, the fetus
normally takes the correct position...

the head down.

Throughout the entire term,

the pregnancy continues to follow
its usual course.

It is, and I emphasize,

the slowest of transformations
in our species.

"What about the delivery?"
you may well ask.

The delivery, indeed.

The word is obsolete,

as we will presently see.

Before clarifying this delicate issue,

and for the purpose of converting the
unconverted, if there still be among us,

I should like to present my patient
and my friend as well,

Mr. Marco Mazetti.

MARCO MAZETTI PRESENTED

AT THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS
OF MEDICINE

MARCO MAZETTI
TO BE A MOTHER

A HAPPY EVENT AWAITS

THE POSSIBLE CHILD
OF A MAN

MARCO MAZETTI
YESTERDAY AT THE CONGRESS...

The event of the week.

The man of the week, perhaps,
not only in France,

but the entire world,

is talking about, you guessed it,
Mr. Marco Mazetti.

We are fortunate to have with us tonight,
not only the amazing Mr. Mazetti,

his fiancée, Irène de Fontenoy,

Dr. Delavigne,
general practitioner,

Dr. Chaumont de Latour,
Professor of Gynecology

at the University of Paris,

the Reverend Petit of Nuys,

and Ferdinand de Labue,

Director of the new
Neuropathological Institute.

Mr. Mazetti, you certainly are
a unique phenomenon.

You are expecting a child.

I'd like to ask you one thing...

would you tell us
just how it feels to be pregnant, sir?

Well, I'd say
that when a man's pregnant,

he feels like any expectant mother.

- Do you feel like a different man?
- No, no.

And I believe Professor Chaumont
explained it

when he said it was natural.

He said it's a natural occurrence.

Your case is somewhat exceptional,
judging from the newspapers.

The "New York Times" named you
in this morning's headline.

I'll translate. "Marco Mazetti,
the most important event"

"since man walked on the moon."

Yes.

But I'm not exceptional at all.

Professor Chaumont
has a scientific theory on it.

Professor?

Yes, I firmly believe,
considering myself an expert,

that throughout the world...
in Rome, Louisville, who knows...

there soon will be cases of totally normal
men who are going to become pregnant.

- Yes, indeed.
- You agree with that, sir.

Quite. A report in this month's
"Scholarly Psychiatry"

as Professor Chaumont m-mentions,

a ver-er-eritable revolution in
the hu-hu-human race.

It's obvious that there's a revolution
on the way.

You hear about it, talk about it,
wonder when it will happen.

Well, here we are.

And it will change the world.

You'd better believe,
the whole world!

Evolution, or revolution,

in man, as in animal.

- We'll see a new type of man.
- At long last.

The man will have
new responsibilities to face.

- Similar to snails.
- No. Snails haven't a thing to do with it!

Pastor?

The Church is skeptical of such...

I thought you were a believer?
I'm surprised you're skeptical.

Believe what you want,
but I know it.

But it's your business to believe.
Why don't you?

- I didn't mean that...
- Just a moment!

Let me cite you an example.
The many women who've become pregnant

that wouldn't believe it could happen.

"Anything but that! It's quite impossible.
My husband's out of town."

"He's in New York, or Chicago."

Chicago's the usual excuse
for such miracles.

I think we're straying
from our subject.

Mr. Mazetti, there are a few questions
of interest to the female

as well as male viewers.

How about your physical condition?

Oh, it's fine. Fine. Just fine.

Are you on any special diet,
or restrictions?

I've gone on a salt-free diet

and I was also told to stop smoking.

But as it happened,

I couldn't bear the taste
of my first morning cigarette,

so I stopped.

Well, gentlemen, if you're seeking
a simple way to drop the smoking habit,

you've got it.

Now to Irène de Fontenoy.

We'd like to hear from her
as our time is running out.

- What do you think of the situation?
- Me? I'm very happy.

It's wonderful because
I'll marry Marco,

and we both adore children.

I had our first baby
and I'm glad Marco will have the second.

It's only fair,
with both of us working all day.

What work do you do?

I'm a hairdresser in a salon called
"Irène's" at 89 Avenue Du Benne.

Nothing wrong with free publicity.
Now you know where to go, girls.

What is your opinion
of the movement?

- Of what movement?
- Of the Women's Liberation Movement.

Everyone in the beauty parlor
has discussed it,

and we all agree.

The whole point is,
man's finally the equal of woman.

We can both do the same things.
That's very comforting.

I thoroughly agree with you.

You believe that the problem
is one of equality?

Exactly the word.

And from a woman's standpoint,
we'd be better understood.

And I know from experience,
Marco is much more tender to me.

I'd like to ask a question
of general interest.

I wonder if men in this new condition

will find that it bars them
from certain careers,

like men in the military.

Bu-but why should it?
I-I'm sure it won't.

Has the bearing of children
ever closed careers to women? No!

The mi-military
will give maternity leaves

to their so-soldiers.

That's all.

There's no more time
for discussion of our knowledge

of conception.

Whatever we have missed will have
to be explained in another interview.

Professor, perhaps you'd be good enough
to close with a word about contraception.

With pleasure.

All of the contraception techniques
currently employed are useless.

We're back to the root
of the problem

and we'll have to develop
another pill now.

As well as swallow it.

Thank you, Professor. This ends
our up close and personal discussion.

Tune in next week
for "The Event of the Week."

Thank you, Mr. Mazetti.

Of course.

- This was very nice.
- Really?

The color was very pretty.

No matter where you look,
it's him again.

Open any page and there he is,
complete with gory details.

Weren't you watching television
last evening?

I haven't got television.
If I had, I wouldn't have watched it.

You should have
because Irène was fantastic.

Not only that,
but your hair was beautifully done.

It's the same.

It's more than the way you looked.
What you had to say was what mattered.

And what did you say?

- I don't remember.
- I do. I can recall every word.

It was all about men.

It was?

I hear you're abandoning your clients.

We were thinking about getting
a bigger shop.

We're still looking.
You want a little spray?

A little. You'll find yourself
with a lot more work because of this.

It's bad enough now!

- I know.
- It's not possible!

- Shall I answer it?
- I'll go.

It's liable to be for Marco.
Excuse me.

Hello, is that you?

We can't go on this way.

The phone hasn't stopped.
Did you talk to Soumain?

Yes. I had to do
a commercial for television.

You've got to get organized.
I'm not a secretary.

I don't have time.

I know, dear.
But I'm as busy as you are.

Who called?

"Playboy." For their Playboy of the Month,
with a special issue on you.

Will that be with you or what?

What do I have to do with them?
You're the one they're interested in.

- Did "Elle" call?
- I'm afraid not. We have time.

Let's see. Yes, the publishers
who want to put out a manual

for other guys about pregnancy.

And "Male Sex Appeal" called too.

What did they want?
Oh, where is it?

They want your life story,
but I said you'd call back.

Is that all?

What do you mean?

"Newsweek" comes at 2:00 today,
and the Professor's at 3:00

for your seven-month checkup, and...

What? Darling,
there's too much noise here.

Janine, madam should be dry now.
Would you switch her off? Thanks.

Sorry, what were you saying?

I found a terrific place for rent.

The man will show it to us
around 4:00.

That's great. It's a date.
See you later.

When did Chaumont say he could...
Hello?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, Mr. Mazetti.

- Did you get her?
- Sure.

I'll never get to them all.
Every hour on the hour.

They're all after you.

Say, if you want a chauffeur,
I'm available.

Absolutely fascinating.

No playwright could invent
a more touching plot, could he?

The husband, great with child,
in front of the fireplace, knitting.

And the wife, upon her tractor,
toiling in the field.

What do you think of the idea?

You'd knock 'em in the aisle.

The old man learns to knit baby crap
and housewife stuff like that,

while the old lady does a valve job
on her faithful John Deere.

It's a serious work of art, Soumain.

Not amateurish vaudeville.

A dream come true
for the solitary soul.

Solitary, my foot!

See the news?
You're about to have company, friends.

Where was it that I read about it?

There it is.
"New danger. Overpopulation."

If everyone's breeding,
it'll double the population overnight.

That wasn't it.
What was it?

There it is.
Listen to this.

"We have just heard
of a second case of pregnancy in a male."

"A major general has contracted
all the symptoms described"

"by Professor Chaumont."

That's it.

No, I think it's got to me.

Here we are.

Oh, excuse me.

- What's the matter?
- I think it's my stomach.

- A stomachache.
- He told me this morning he's pregnant.

What's wrong?
Sick or something?

I don't know.

It's going around.
My gut sure hurts.

The fact is, there are 30 cases today
in France alone,

a great many more
throughout the world.

If the predictions
of Professor Chaumont are correct,

the population of France
is going to double in three years.

It's our duty
to face facts head on,

to see the problem demographically,
sociologically,

and morally.

We can't let the government
fool with the health of the public.

It's too easy to hide our heads in the sand
as soon as there's trouble.

Why not be the first
to make a step forward?

I propose a series of child care centers
be brought into being,

to expand health insurance
from the cradle to the grave,

to offer a better life in the future
to our children,

to our parents
and our senior citizens.

The only word is "magnificent."

You're the one who said it. You won't
find anything like it for the price.

And that is a fact.

Don't you think
it's exactly what we need?

Wouldn't it be ideal, a waiting room
with your office there and plenty of space.

And the back part is all my salon.

It's huge. Just huge.

I can fit in at least 10 chairs there,

five on each side

and the same amount of dryers here.

It will be great.

Hello?

Is the baby ready?

No? It's not ready.

Pardon me.

Hello?

That's right, sir.
It's still for sale, yes.

Yes, the chance of a lifetime.

Very good, sir.

I just saw the apartment upstairs.
It has three bedrooms.

Yes. We have an appointment.
Sorry, we have to go.

You realize that apartment is ideal.

Especially if you have any kids.

- Do you have any kids?
- One and there's one on the way.

My compliments.
I never would have guessed.

I'm not pregnant.
My husband is.

Ah, is that so?
I was noticing your...

- So you're Mr. Mazetti?
- Yes.

My compliments, sir.

I'm sorry if the smoke
made you uncomfortable.

No, not at all.

It's a real pleasure
just to show the place to you.

- We'll have to think it over.
- We'll let you know.

Not too long.
Never think for too long.

An unusual property like this
never stays long on the market.

It's a total success,
my dear man.

Everyone in France is talking.

The eyes of the world
are upon you.

Madam.

I hope we're not making
a mountain out of this.

It's without precedent.
It represents 20 years of research.

This way.

The Science Academy
has shown an intense interest

in the documents
I've placed at their disposal.

Within a week, there have been
innumerable cases reported.

A suburb of Sydney, Australia.

Atlanta, Indianapolis,

even a case in the Philippines,
reported this morning by telex.

- The world is moving.
- The world may move, but the baby doesn't.

What do you mean?

Well, she's right.

It's what worries us.

Irène seems to think that, by now,
I should feel the baby kicking.

What exactly do you feel?

What sort of things?

I have visions of horrible things.

- You're anxious.
- Yes, something like that.

That's normal.

The seventh month, of course,

if your pregnancy
were the classic kind,

you'd feel the little tiger
going wild.

Sit down.

Remember, in your case,
we're crossing unknown territory.

- It's more dangerous?
- More dangerous, no.

But we know so little.

A woman gives birth
after nine months, but a man...

- You don't think it could take 10 months?
- Or 10 years!

I should hope not.

We ought to have a look.
We'll take a few X-rays.

- But won't it harm...
- You needn't worry.

I'd say it's gonna be a girl.

- Do you think so?
- Or I'm badly mistaken.

Now, then. In there.

Undress, please.

Try not to be nervous, madam.

You must appear calm
and confident.

I'd like to, only...
You see, Marco's not the same.

Under normal circumstances
he's sweet.

And now he's so capricious.

A curious condition, madam.

Like women,
men have their problems,

their difficulties.

Now then, sit down.

Relax a bit.

And please, don't worry.

Now...

let's have a look.

- How's your appetite?
- Excellent. I eat a lot.

I'm always hungry.

Careful, though.
Don't overdo it.

I know most people think eating huge
quantities of food is good for the child,

but that's nonsense.

Turn over, would you please?

Do you sleep well?

Very well. I sleep a lot too.

That's good.

Now then,
hold your breath, please.

Just for a few seconds.

Fine. Breath normally.

You may get dressed.

Thank you.

What is it? Are you cold?

No. I think he moved!

Of course he moved.

Quite normal.
You probably haven't paid attention.

We men are much less attentive
to physical discomforts.

A woman notices the smallest signs.

She reacts at the first twitch.

They're more sensitive.

I'd feel a lot better
if only I weren't so worried.

I'm afraid of giving birth
to a monster.

Once I dreamt it was a rooster.
Another time, it was a fish.

But please don't mention it to her.
She'll be worried.

Is there a man alive in today's world

who can go through a day
without fear?

The man who gives birth
will be a better man for it,

because he will have understood
what it means to create.

Well, Doctor, how is he?

In perfect shape,
growing by leaps and bounds.

- Not too much?
- No more than what's proper.

Well, here we are.

Good.

If you come back tomorrow at 11:00,
I'll have the results of the X-rays.

- Don't worry anymore.
- I'll try not to.

- Good bye.
- Good bye, madam.

Good bye, Mr. Mazetti.

I thought we'd have them both
in one place.

Hairdressing salon on one side,
driving school on the other.

"Drive our way.
It's enough to curl your hair!"

Might work!

It's different.

You'll see. It's fabulous.

The middle is my waiting room.

It will be, if ever...

Knock on wood.

Where was I?

Yes, I want the whole salon in blue.

And we'll have music
and we'll offer manicures.

Fine, only I wanna know
where I come in.

We go on together, as always.
We may have to hire another teacher.

All the way.

You saw what Prenatif sent us
with the crib?

- For free?
- You bet.

Hey, that must mean
it's time for the commercials.

- Yes, sir...
- Look!

- It's too pale.
- Don't touch it.

It's fine like that.

Prenatif makes life easier
till the baby comes.

Yes, sir, life is easier with Prenatif.

There.

Is that all?

You thought it was bad?
Was something wrong with me?

No, you were terrific,
but there wasn't much of you.

I'm just getting started.

Have you ever thought about changing
your profession?

You could go on television,
after all.

You're sort of a star
in your own field.

It's funny, but I feel
like smoking tonight.

I haven't felt like smoking for months.

Oh, no, sweetheart,
it's very bad for the baby.

And Chaumont even forbid you to.

Let's go. Time for bed.

Look, the hairdresser
and driving school.

Let's go. Time for bed.

You know, Miss Janvier
flunked her driving test again.

But she'll never pass.

I've been making it
with old Ramona.

- You're a fast worker.
- What did Soumain say?

He was whispering.

It's not for children.

Who could it be at this hour?

Can I bring her to the wedding?

Of course.

Oh, Ginou!

Excuse me, dear.
We're not staying.

Come in anyhow.

- Evening, Marco.
- Hello, Ginou. How are you?

- Just fine.
- You know Soumain? He works with Marco.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.

That's Rudolph.
He goes to Beaux-Arts.

- How do you do?
- Hi, Ginou.

- Hello, big boy.
- What are you doing? It's time for bed.

It's incredible, what happened to him.

Who'd ever believe it?
Oh, here. I brought you something.

A baby's romper and some booties.

It's adorable, isn't it?

It comes to a point.

- That means it's a boy.
- The professor says it's a girl.

As if he knows.
They're always wrong.

- Something else.
- I really am impressed.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

When Ginou told me you were a friend,
I wanted to meet you.

- It's Rudolph's secret dream.
- I suppose it would be.

A guy like me eats it up. It's wild,
to feel yourself becoming one of the girls.

- No, not a bit.
- I'd bet you'd like to change sex.

None of us is perfect,
are we now?

- May I touch it?
- If you wish.

That's crazy. I love babies.

Let's get moving
or we'll miss the first act.

We're going to see
"The Other Woman."

I've got to be on my way too.
I'll go with you.

I use the artist's entrance.
I know one of the actresses.

Roman Martinez.
We'll see you.

- So long.
- Good night, Marco.

- I'll see you to the door.
- Tell us...

Is it true you're getting married?
You see? They're gonna get married!

I'd say best wishes,
but you two are happy already.

She's right, sweetie.
We are happy already.

What do you mean, "nothing"?

Nothing.

"Nothing" what?

You are normal,
perfectly normal, alas.

But...

What you're trying to say is...
I'm not pregnant?

Look for yourself.

But that!
Tell me, what do you call that?

Is that from pumpkin seeds?

I refuse to commit myself for the moment.
It's clear there's no baby.

- Maybe you mixed-up the X-rays?
- I'm afraid not.

But that's awful.
It's not possible.

It was an error.

To err is human and regrettable.

What will everyone think of us,
with the commercials and all?

Look, there!
What's that object?

- Your small intestine.
- But I put on all this weight.

Oh, my good man.

A lot of women's pregnancies
are false,

due to cysts or nerves,
nature's caprices

which are unexplained
in terms of science.

Well... I'll get you back in shape.

You'll have to follow
an extremely strict diet.

Avoid starchy foods
like potatoes, bread, pasta.

Especially pasta.

You'll remain on a salt-free diet.

Within a short time, you'll be rid
of that annoying, unsightly weight.

They'll really laugh at us now.
The village idiots, we are.

Wait till my ladies get started.

Let's not paint it so black.

You're deeply disappointed,
but you're not alone.

20 years of research,
down the drain.

A theory, stillborn.

Bu-But those others!

A suburb of Sydney and Moscow!

The Caribbean!

Mass psychosis, probably.

What do we do now,
for heaven's sake?

Maybe among those cases
there'll be one or two? No?

No hope anymore.

And Ginou and her boyfriend
brought us the cutest...

booties.

- Doctor, we're up to our necks in it.
- I know.

We're all up to our necks in it.

THE PREGNANT MAN
WAS A HOAX

You saw it?

Sure, but what do you care?

Since Chaumont was wrong
from the very beginning,

he's probably wrong
about this as well.

- You think so?
- Of course.

It's obvious.

Aren't you ready yet?
You're gonna be late.

Of course I'm ready.
Shall we go?

Don't stuff yourself with cake, dear.

- Don't you think it's pretty?
- Very pretty.

It's divine.
You look ravishing.

Let's go.

- Marco, what's eating you?
- Nothing, sweetheart.

It's the papers.

- What do the papers have to say?
- No, it's nothing.

"Oh, for the want
of a horse you need."

- It's nobody's fault.
- What is it, Irène?

Irène, what's the matter, dear?

Sit down, sweetheart.
What is it?

- Is something wrong?
- No.

- Then what is it?
- No, darling.

I think I'm pregnant.

THE PREGNANT MAN
WAS A HOAX