Original subtitles

(Echoing) 'When dreadful duty

'leads you to the place

'where you have stored it.'

(Echoing fades)

'And when you walking dog

'and call the children,

'''He won't bite,''

'then see them run,

'deranged by what you're dragging round

'and have been since you found him

'eyeless, stiff and putrid

'after seven months of,

'''Oh, l wonder where he's got to?'''

Then welcome,

mmm, who born dead through your own arse,

welcome.

ln jaaaaaam.

- Hello. - Hi.

l've just moved in, across the landing.

Er, yes.

l...wondered if you could help me with something.

Sure.

Erm...

l've got...

l mean, the reason l came over...

is...

because l think l've found a lump in my breast.

Oh.

l got...very worried.

Erm... Well, yes. Erm...

l wondered if you could feel it.

Erm...

Well, l suppose...l could.

Thanks.

Er...

l...

think l'll have to slap you.

Slap me?

l couldn't just let you touch my breast, could l?

No, suppose not.

lt's here.

Right.

Erm...

There?

- Right... - (Woman moaning softly)

ls there...anything there?

Erm...not sure.

Maybe you should...

feel it without any fabric in the way.

OK, that...that might be a good idea.

l'll have to use my fist this time.

Erm...

OK.

(Groaning)

Erm...

ls there anything there?

l...l don't think there was...actually, er...

Why don't you feel it with your mouth?

Er...OK.

lf that will help you...

l will have to report you to the police.

Why?

lt's pretty much an assault.

Perhaps l'd better leave...

Sometimes when l'm this upset,

l just have to fuck someone l've never met before.

(Gulps)

(Woman moaning softly)

Hello? Yes, police, please.

l've just been assaulted.

41 Montague Mansions.

Lizzy Locke.

Oh, hurry, please. Thank you.

Oh, dear.

You're gonna have to go immediately.

B-But you need me to feel the breasts!

There's a car on the corner of the block.

- Yes, b-but the lump? - Ooh!

You'd better be quick, you mustn't get caught.

ls something there?

Oh! Oh, get off. Get off me!

- Are you all right, madam? - Oh, very upset.

l'll have a WPC with you in a minute.

- She's... - Thank you so much.

Ooh, gosh. Oh!

Be careful!

Oh, dear.

Please don't hurt him...too much.

(! Aimee Mann: Wise Up)

! lt's not

! What you thought

! When you first

! Began it

! You got

! What you want

! You can hardly stand it, though

! But l know it's not

! Going to stop

! lt's not going to stop... !

- Night, Arthur. - And to you, Mr Micklesboro.

Could you put those in the post?

Yes, no problem.

- Wife's flu cleared up? - Well, she's not...quite...

fully, but you know, not too...

- See you tomorrow. - ..bad. Have a good eve...

(Yells)

(Thud)

(Woman) Night, Arthur.

- Night. Er... Yes... - See you at six.

(Screaming)

- (Thud) - Oh, boy.

- Good night, Arthur. - Night. Erm...

- Hello, it's... Oh! - (Yelling)

lt's Arthur on the seventh fl... Oh.

Well, there's another one.

Night, Arthur. See you tomorrow.

Er, no, l'm talking to some... Er, n..

(Yelling)

Oh, bloody God, he's gone too.

Er, l'd better stop them leaving. Hang on.

- Girlfriend trouble? - Oh, no!

Erm, no, it's Arthur. Could you just make s... Oh! Mrs...

- (Screaming) - Oh, my.

Mrs Pole has gone. Er, no. l'm on the... No!

No, it's, er...

Erm...the l-lift...

Could you stop them coming now?

Erm, hello? Are you still...? No.

- lf you could stop... - (Phone)

No. l'm just go...

Oh. Help...

Ah. Erm, help me.

Help. Help me. There's...

Er, my head is... l'm stuck in...

lf there's anybody on the landing,

c-could...

lt's very dangerous by the lift and if someone... Ah!

'My name is Graham Shive.'

l manage a small lT systems consultancy.

l'm Alison Shive

and this is our daughter, Judy.

(Graham) We've always had a strong feeling with Judy

that she's not just a little girl - she's a 45-year-old man...

trapped in the body of a little girl.

So she's had an operation

to be fitted with the penis and testicle glands

of a 45-year-old man.

Look at that.

You see, it's perfect.

We're particularly pleased with the balls.

Yeah.

l think the balls are excellent.

And you're a lot happier now, aren't you, love?

- Ta. - Ah, cheers.

Cheers.

- Good day? - Ah, stupid day.

Foam.

You missed a bit.

No, look, here.

- God. - Jesus.

Where did that come from?

l don't know!

l feel...

fantastic.

So do l.

- How long have l known you? - 15 years.

Stay like that.

Hi, boys. What are you doing, Andrew?

- Er, we were... - We were kissing.

Kissing!

- No, we were... - Come on, we'll be late.

lt starts in two minutes.

- We've found something out. - Come on!

- Helen, we... We... - Let them go.

See you. Bye, Rich.

Are you all right?

Hm?

Yeah.

So, what can l do for you?

They said we should come in for that spot thing.

Yeah, l think it's a wheat allergy.

Yeah. We just want something for it.

lt's certainly not an ailment. You're gonna have a baby.

W-What are you talking about?

There. lt's in there.

Can't you just give her an injection? Get rid of the spot.

lt's not a spot.

The lump is caused by a baby.

(Man) How's a baby get in there?

lt... You put it in.

No, l did not.

No, but when you have sex, that makes a baby.

lt doesn't! lt just makes a bit of foam.

Look, l can show you. When your penis goes...

Hey! We don't want to see your sick little pictures.

Spending all day drawing them rubbing yourself up.

Look, there really is a baby in there.

- All right, how's it breathe, then? - lt doesn't.

lt don't breathe! What is it? Dead, then, is it?

lt gets its oxygen through a cord.

(Laughing) Oh, it's electric, now!

lt's a fucking light bulb.

This may seem very strange

but you are going to have a baby and l should examine you.

Yeah, right.

- You just want a feel of my twit. -Really, l...

You're talking rubbish so you can feel her twit.

Of course l don't want to. l need to examine her for the sake of the baby.

There ain't no baby. lt's my stomach!

Look, it's not in your stomach.

- You just said it was! - No, l said it was in there.

She doesn't even know what a stomach is!

lt's a womb and there's a baby in there.

lf there's a baby, how come it's not crying?

- They don't cry when... - Babies don't cry?

Babies don't cry! Listen to you.

You're not a doctor, you're a wanker.

Yeah! You're not a doctor, you're a wanker!

OK, all right, it's not a baby, it's a spot. Yes, l'm sorry.

l'll prescribe you one litre of spot cream.

Put a handful on your belly three times a day

and come back if it doesn't go away.

Thank you, Doctor.

You could be reported for trying to muck around in her squishy.

Please.

(Woman) lt better be a spot,

not another one of them screaming red rabbit things.

l think...really...

she ought to be put to sleep.

Right.

Straightaway.

Could l make love to her first?

Or maybe after you've given the injection, just while she's slipping away?

l don't think so, really.

No.

lt was something l promised her when she was a puppy.

Well, l don't think l could allow that

without reporting it.

ls that right?

Yes.

OK.

Well, just the usual injection, then.

You know, l'm pretty sure she would have consented.

Perhaps you'd like to hold her while l...

No, l don't think so.

OK.

l'll just watch you do it with my trousers down.

Right.

(Radio chatter)

(! Mr Mo: Mah Na Mah Na)

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-de-de

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be

! Be-de-be, be-de-be, be-de-be-de-be doo-doo-doo-da

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-de-de

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be

! Be-de-be, be-de-be, be-de-be-de-be doo-doo-doo-da !

Mah na mah na na, mah na na na, mah na na na.

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-de-de !

(Saxophone honks)

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-de-de

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be

- (Saxophone) - ! Mah na mah na

- (Saxophone) - ! De-de-be-de-be

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-de-de

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be !

(Saxophone honks)

! Mah na mah na ! De-de-be-de-be... !

(Moaning)

Push your balls up my nose.

(Straining)

(Woman mumbling)

(Man) Whack my bonobo.

- (Smack) - Oh, yeah!

Whack my bonobo.

- (Groaning) - Come on, whack my bonobo.

(Moaning)

(Woman) Cluck on my gladys.

- (Man cackling) - (Woman) Ooh!

Cluck on my gladys.

(Man cackling)

(Woman) More feeble granddad.

(Man continues cackling)

More feeble granddad.

(More cackling)

(Woman) lntroduce me to Gladstein.

- (Man) Hello! - How do you do?

Very well, thank you.

(Woman) How do you do?

- Very well, thank you. - (Both groaning)

(Woman) Aah.

- (Woman) Shit your leg off. - Yeah?

- Shit your leg off. - Really?

Yeah.

Shit your leg off.

(Straining)

- (Both groaning) - (Squelching)

(Thud)

(Woman) Oh, my God!

(Both straining)

(Man) Oh. Oh, God! (Woman) Oh, God. Oh, God.

Make your spunk come out green.

God, l love it when your spunk comes out green.

Yeah, get it green.

- (Slapping) - Come on, l want it green.

Come on!

l want it green. Come on. l want it green!

(Man straining)

Green! l want it green.

Make it come out...green.

- l wanted it green! - (Wheezing) l can't...

l wanted it green.

- l can't. - l wanted it green...

- l can't make it... - l wanted it green.

(Man, gasping) Oh...my leg.

What am l gonna do with my leg?

(Knock at door)

(Slowly) Come in.

- Morning. - Ah, yes.

Plank your lipids.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

lt's the bed-wetting thing.

Oliver's still got a bit of trouble with it.

Right.

Well, as l said, it won't go away overnight

but it will go away in the end,

l promise you.

ln the meantime, just remember,

there are many worse things

than wetting yourself.

After all, it's not a disease.

(Dripping)

Right.

(Squelching)

Ciao.