Original subtitles

'When surface from a four-day crash,

'bluebottle gobbed, and hear the children calling...'

(Children chanting)

'..and rise to find they've roped your guts,

'so fall, you jessie.

'They crown you King Cantaloupe

'and gob you up a synapse bomb.

'So now, you hooting bletherskate,

'not clocking you've been prammed

'to serenade the door of your ex-wife...

'where pierced on glares of ice

'you fold to weeping topple.

'Then find you've wandered back to school

'and frit the squabs

'and now here comes a teacher with a copper.'

Then welcome.

Mmm.

Ooh, fuss, fuss, fuss, fuss.

Welcome.

ln jaaaaaam.

Right.

How do l say your name again?

- Martin. - Martin.

OK.

Can l look at your tongue?

(Woman) Yes.

Do you get cold fingertips?

Mm.

Yes. Sometimes.

l'll just take your pulse.

(Gasps)

Your...

spleen is damp.

Oh.

Have you had acupuncture before?

No.

(Woman) 'lt's very important for patients to relax fully

'before l start the treatment.'

Otherwise it can be a bit distressing.

- (Grunts) - OK, Martin,

if you'd like to put your wrists down by your side.

- What...what are you doing? - You might feel a little tap.

Yeah, but, you... (Grunts, gasps)

'The nails l use

'are between nine and 14 inches long

'and half an inch thick.'

Can you move your head at all, Martin?

Don't want to try.

'The nails must go at least two inches into the table

'otherwise the patient will slide off.'

(Grunting)

You might feel a little uncomfortable, Martin,

because you're taking the weight of your body on the nails.

Now, pushing down on the wrist nails

will take the weight off your ribs and head.

Now, l'm going to leave you

and come back in about half an hour.

(Whimpering)

'l think the treatment is very successful.'

(Groaning)

'l've never had a patient come back.

'You do have difficulty

'getting some of them to leave under their own steam.

'We just have to put them out the back.'

They've normally gone in the morning.

Yeah.

- (Knock at door) - Come in.

(Woman) Doctor?

Hilary Chivers?

No, l jumped the queue. l needed to ask you about this.

Did you really prescribe my daughter half a kilo of heroin?

Hm.

l'm sorry, l can't see a thing.

lt'll probably take me a day or two to recover my eyesight,

so could you pop back on Thursday?

Well, can't you...?

Thursday morning? We can book you a proper appointment.

- Right. - Good.

Sarah, l've just blinded myself.

Could you cancel the rest of my appointments?

Thanks. Um...

l'll probably need someone to lead me out to my car.

OK.

l just don't think we can stretch to 280,000.

What was your maximum?

(Man) 240.

He is prepared to accept an offer.

Of 240?

Well, he'll take 250.

But there would have to be an arrangement.

Arrangement?

Yeah.

What sort of arrangement?

A...

sex arrangement.

He'd want sex in return for dropping the price.

12 times before the exchange of contracts.

Linus...

- 12 times? - No.

- lt's our only chance. - l can't have sex with him.

- No, not really. - lt's a fantastic house.

- Wouldn't you mind me...? - Of course l'd mind but...

lt's the only way to get the house.

(Sighs)

Would he accept six times?

Has she had any children?

Have you had any children?

One.

Ask her if it caused any damage.

Did it cause much damage?

Not really, no.

That's good.

He would accept seven penetrations

four oral sessions and one of...

- Bagpiping. - Bagpiping.

What's bagpiping?

lt's where he puts himself in your armpit.

Quite a good mouth, yes.

Hm?

Mr Lulch could do the oral sessions.

Me? l-l don't think...

Then yes, we'll do it.

l mean, are you sure you'd be all right with eight?

l mean, even if l'm sharing...

Yeah.

- l think we need more time... - lt's fine.

- No, we... - lt's OK.

Shall l give him a call?

Mm.

Hello, Mr Gardine? Hester Twunt from Bovril's...

(Grunting, gasping)

(Muffled groans)

Well, l must say, you have both been very accommodating so far.

(Exhales)

ls there any chance we can leave it at 1 1 sessions?

(Tuts) And miss today's session?

Mm.

l was so looking forward to today's session.

And there is another factor to do with the house.

Oh?

Um, it's just since the last session...

l have actually had an offer of �300,000.

You know we can't pay more than 250.

Perhaps we'd better extend the arrangement then.

To...nine more sessions?

(Linus) Nine?

Or l could sell to the other party.

Does the sex have to be with us?

Can we get someone else in?

- Louise. - Louise?

She's very attractive

and she wouldn't mind what you do so much.

She's as attractive as you?

Yes.

- She's my sister. - You could have 12 sessions.

- We can't offer...! - You want another nine with that?

What's the catch?

She's a bit uncomplicated.

She would be happy to go through with this?

(Mrs Lulch) Well, it wouldn't... lt might not matter.

- Wouldn't it? - Linus is her legal guardian.

Oh.

12 times with your sister.

Who has a legal guardian.

Would you knock another �10,000 off for 25 sessions?

25 sessions?

Yeah, l suppose so.

(Gasping excitedly)

Hello, Louise.

- (Linus) She's been fed. - Oh.

Glad to see she's got your mouth, Linus.

- Say goodbye, Louise. - Bye-bye.

(Both) Bye.

Oh, Louise...

look what l've found.

Well, the idea...was to get the guy

to hand over the money in the till

by threatening him with an axe.

The only trouble was the day l went in with the axe

wasn't the same day

as the day l made the threatening gestures.

So even though l said l would chop him up,

he found it pretty easy to ignore me.

Must be about six months ago l...

moved out of the house and started living outside.

'The idea came from a book l was reading, l think.

'Can't be, er, quite sure about that but...'

lf you think about it we don't need central heating,

big kitchens, rugs, huge beds.

lt's all nonsense.

We don't need them but they're jolly nice.

They're useless really.

'l can sleep anywhere l want now,

'l can sleep under a hedge or in the tractor shed.'

(Woman) 'lt does worry me when it's awfully cold.'

Cattle. Bedding down with the cattle, that keeps you warm.

At least then you get a little bit of heat.

l do worry when l know Anthony's out in the open

on a particularly bleak night.

Rain, sleet...

There's a lot of food in the kitchen garden,

some stuff round the bins.

A blackbird flew into the greenhouse the other day and l picked him off.

He didn't taste too great, l must say.

- We're having lamb tonight. - Sometimes l fight the cats for food.

Richard's bringing Helen for supper.

The dog's pretty loyal.

We blocked off that draught. lt's awfully snug now.

(Anthony) 'l do occasionally find myself

'staring in through the drawing-room window rather wistfully

'and looking at the cosy scene there, the big fire.'

(Woman) 'Yes.'

(Anthony) 'And the family, all together.'

(Woman) 'You cut a pretty sorry sight out there.'

l think all l'd have to do is walk in through the front door

and l could have a nice hot bath and a big plate of eggs...

- Some tea. - Mm.

Why don't you come in tonight, darling?

Can't indulge that thought, it's dangerously persuasive.

Just for an hour or so.

l think that's the main problem actually,

living with that contradiction.

'Er, the only comfort is that

'l don't suppose l'll have to live with it quite so long.'

l imagine being picked off by a sharp frost in the winter.

That's probably true.

But l suppose if l did go inside, l, er...

wouldn't have to live with it at all really.

l never lock up at night, you know.

Just doesn't bear thinking about.

(Anthony) 'And you should lock up.'

(! Ambient soundtrack)

Did you mention to Jill how much Ted liked his Lego?

He's made a great spaceship.

Yeah.

She was worried it might be a bit old for him.

(Man) Well, he is pretty bright for a seven-year-old.

Mm.

lncidentally, did he come home from school today?

No.

No, he didn't.

Should've been home about six hours ago, shouldn't he?

Yeah.

Do you think we should call someone?

Nah.

(Yawning) He probably decided to stay overnight at the school.

Hello? Hi, it's Sue Jails here.

Just calling about Ted in primary three.

Just wondered if he's been standing outside the school for a couple of weeks.

Oh, right.

She saw a bloke pick him up.

Yeah.

Did the man have a car?

Yeah.

Good, it was horribly rainy.

(Phone)

Hello.

Speaking.

Oh, have you? Right.

They've found a body, love.

(Woman) Oh!

Yah. Um...

They want us to go over and identify him.

(Tuts) Can't they bring him round?

Yeah, we're just sort of, um, doing something at the moment.

Um, how about bunging him in a cab?

- Mm. All right. - What about his glasses?

Oh, yeah. ls he wearing blue plastic-framed glasses?

Make him look rather studious?

Oh, well, l'm pretty sure that's him.

That's good enough for us, yeah.

OK. Thanks a lot. Cheers.

So what's that, love?

We've got to bury him ourselves.

Did they say what had happened?

Sounds like he was buggered quite a lot and then strangled.

That's a bit much.

Apparently it was that bloody Mike Holland that did it.

l'll have a word with him when l see him.

Yeah. You can tell him l'm pretty pissed off as well.

Mike Holland.

Well, l've always thought he was a bit of a twit.

Mm.