Original subtitles

'When shake your head

'at local paper story of a crime git,

'then look again and see that he is you,

'this long-lens shifty bugger in a park.

'When every call destroys your life

'even though the phone ain't got a bloody plug.

'And when waking, wonder where you are

'and find that most of you is asking where you've gone.

'Then welcome.

'Mmm.

'You arrested for copying dogs, welcome

'in jaaaaaam.'

(Distorted) 'Jam.'

(Demonic shriek) 'Jam!'

(Distorted) 'Jam.'

(Demonic shriek) 'Jam!'

(Sinister laugh)

(Knock on door)

Come in.

Morning, Doctor.

Ah, yes. Sit down in the chair opposite my chair.

Thanks.

Tom Chaid?

- Matthew Vockersbeige. - Hm.

So.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, l'm quite sore under this arm, just here.

Right. Well, undo your shirt and let's have a look.

(Phone)

Hello?

(Matter-of-factly) Yes, l'm getting hard.

Very big and hard in my shorts.

Ah, l've come on my knee.

All right. Bye.

Erm...

Sorry about that but there's quite a good reason for it.

Now, let's have a look at you. Just lift your arm up.

Yes. Glands up there are really quite swollen.

Do you have any other symptoms?

- (Phone) - Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, l'm gliding my fist over the bulging purple head

and sticking my finger up my arse

and my cock's gone off like a spunky firework.

OK. Bye-bye.

- Doctor, l really don't... - Erm...

l'm sorry about that. l don't have much choice.

What do you mean?

We're short of cash at the health centre,

we've found this an efficient way of raising funds.

- Oh. - Let's have a look at you.

Strip down to your pants and pop onto the couch.

- (Phone) - l'll put on the headset

so that l can carry on with you.

Hello. Could you hang on a second?

Yes, just lie down.

Right. l'm staring down at my very hard prick.

lt's a fucking massive bulb...

Won't be long.

..and l'm shooting jets of thick come into your foaming twat.

Not at all, bye.

You don't seem to have any other inflammation

but l'll check for glandular fever, just in case.

But l wouldn't worry.

All right.

- Doctor? - Yes?

ls that really the only way you can raise money?

There are probably others

but it's the best one we've come up with so far.

What's the money for?

lt's for a little girl with head cancer.

- Aren't there funds for that? - You would have thought so.

- Yes. - (Phone)

(Sighing) l'm sorry, l'll have to get that.

Erm, l'll see you again when you've got the results. Bye.

Hello?

Yep, l've got a thick club of pulsing gristle.

l'm pushing it into your soft, warm gob.

You're talking dirty past the shaft.

l'm coming so hard, the spunk's flying out of your eyes.

OK. Bye.

That was for a child with head cancer?

Yes, l know. Unbelievable isn't it?

Right, then, Rosa.

- Erm, there you are. - Thank you.

- There's a fiver from last week as well. - Thank you very much.

- Rosa, can l ask you something? - Yes?

- We think you do a very good job. - Thank you.

l was just wondering if it would be easier with another hoover?

- Another one? - lt's just the one you use is very small.

Yes, very small, very good.

lt takes you two days...

hoovering all the big carpets

with this tiny little machine.

Yes, yes, very good for dust.

- Dust? - Dust is very small.

Yes, dust is very small.

A big hoover is very big, is too big for small dust. Dust is small.

l just think it would be better with a bigger hoover, Rosa.

- You don't like my work? - No, it's very good

but with a normal-sized hoover, you'd be finished in half the time.

There is something wrong with my small?

No, it's just that l can't work with this...

(Loud whirring)

..you know with that noise in the house for two days.

lt drives me mad.

- Well, l don't know. - We'll pay you the same.

l don't know.

Rosa.

Rosa, what's the matter?

Please, l must use my little hoover.

ls very good.

Look, look, all...

lf you want to, then yes

but only if you can get the job done in one day.

- Three days. - Three days?

l must have three days for to do proper job.

- Three days. - ls not possible two days no more.

Rosa...

l buy 20 of these.

What...what are these?

Brushes for the small mess.

Please, don't be cross, l do my best.

Please, l like it here very much. l work hard.

Please, is no problem for me, three days.

- l know. - Please, Mr Paul.

l do very good with the dust.

- (Sighs) Right. - Every little bloody dust.

- Three days. - Yes.

OK. OK.

- Thank you. - That's all right.

- l go now. - Yes.

Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

(Phone)

Yeah, Paul Suss. Oh, hello, hi.

Yeah, fine.

No, yeah, yeah, she's gone.

Well, er, no, no.

She's, erm, she's actually going to do three days now.

l know, l know, l know!

l got here, she had about 20 miniature brushes.

(Doorbell)

Hello?

(Muffled) 'Hello?'

- Erm, are you Maria? - (Child) Yes.

Come in.

Where's the body?

lt's just through there.

How did it happen?

Er, we had a fight.

He fell down the stairs

and banged his head on the step.

Right, listen carefully and do exactly as l say.

l need buckets, a saw, an axe if you've got one,

an electric carving knife and some rubber gloves.

Right.

Everything l cut off, you put into the bucket.

Feet first. Hold his shin.

(Knife whirring)

(Screaming)

Jesus!

- Jesus, you've killed him! - Shut up.

But he was still alive!

- Be fucking quiet! - Shit! Shit! Shit!

- (Phone) - Get the phone.

Hello?

- Who is it? - lt's one of the neighbours.

Tell them it was the boiler.

Er, it... Yeah, it's the boiler.

No, no, it was the boiler.

Yes, l'm fine, thanks.

lt was the fucking boiler. Now fuck off!

- What did you do that for? - Shut up and help me saw up the man.

- Yeah, but what the..? - Don't argue, just chop him up!

(Squelching)

(Whirring)

(Doorbell)

Answer it and tell them to go away.

- (Man) Everything all right, sir? - Yes, erm, the boiler.

- Can l come in for a moment? - Well, there's...

Er, there's been an accident.

- He killed the man. - What?

- What was that? - He killed the man.

- You... - ls that right, sir?

l hired her to...

l hired you to sort this out!

- You'd better come with me. - You fucked it up!

l am only six.

- You said you could sort this out. - l did try.

- You said you'd done this before! - l am only six.

l am.

Six years and three months.

! Chopped-up man

! Chopped-up man

! Chopped-up man, chopped-up man

! Chopped-up man, chopped-up man... !

- Good morning, sir. - Morning.

- Morning, Mr Ventham. - Morning.

He'll be with you shortly. lf you'd like to take a seat?

(Ventham) Right. Thank you.

Mr Ventham's waiting.

How was your knee operation?

l didn't have a knee operation.

Right. Good, good.

(Puffing and muttering)

(Phone)

OK. Thanks.

He's ready for you now, Mr Ventham.

Right. Thank you.

Erm, was it the ankle?

No.

- Ah, Mr Ventham. - Morning.

Good morning, sir.

How can l help you?

Erm, my chin's been getting rather hot lately.

Right.

l could arrange for a delivery of chin coolant sachets.

Erm, would you prefer them jaw-mounted or tie-mounted?

Erm, tie.

Right. A wise choice, if l may say so, sir.

ln the meantime, l suggest that you lick your chin

and stand on a tall building in a stiff breeze.

- All right, sir? - Yes, thank you.

- Anything else, sir? - No, thank you.

- Shall l put that on account? - Yes please.

Certainly, sir.

Well, thank you.

- Goodbye, sir. - Yes, goodbye.

Good luck, sir.

- (Receptionist) Bye, Mr Ventham. - Yes, erm,

about the operation...

Yes?

- Erm, goodbye. - Bye.

- Goodbye, sir. - Goodbye.

l can get you the key to a tall building if you want, sir?

- Thank you. - Not at all.

- Goodbye, sir. - Goodbye.

(Man) Hello!

Come in, Barry.

- Hello, Barry. - Hello.

How are you feeling?

- Not too good, really. - A bit tired.

l've just brought you a little something.

That's very nice, you shouldn't have.

Thanks, Barry. Sit down.

lt's very big.

lt's nothing.

Made it myself.

l thought it'd come in handy for burying the old, you know...

Well...

Don't they use coffins when they're that small?

No, you just take it away.

l thought l should take an interest, seeing as...

Barry.

Seeing as what?

Seeing as, er...

What?

Well, seeing as it was mine.

(Man) Just get out.

Right.

Yeah.

Listen, Russ, it was just a one-off.

That's what you said, wasn't it?

Yeah.

You know, l don't think l could afford that much again anyway.

! Did you give the world some love today, babe?

! Did you give the world some love today, babe?

(Both screaming in pain)

(Hooting)

(Slow monotone) 'l've, erm,

'always been quite a lonely sort of person.

'l find it hard to start conversations with people.

'l just imagine they'll find me boring.

'But of course, people never find you boring if they need help.

'So l've started to make people need help.'

- (Driver) Excuse me. - Yes?

- Could you help me? - What's the matter?

- l'm stuck. - Sorry?

My hand is stuck on the door.

- Stuck? - Yeah.

l think someone's put superglue on it or something.

Oh, dear. l'm Lucy Tiseman.

Right. Could you call the fire brigade?

Oh, yes, yes.

And you are?

Molly Padly.

- Molly Padly. - Yes.

- Hello. - Hi.

l've found bikes are quite easy to bring down at night,

with a wire.

They don't know what's hit them.

Here's one.

(Lucy, laughing) Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Are you all...all right?

- Hurts, my leg. - Are you OK?

lt's my leg. (Groaning)

What's your name?

- Robert Caesar. - Lucy Tiseman, how do you do?

Could you get me some help, please?

- Oh, yes, you'll need that. - Thanks.

Do you like grapes?

What?

l could bring you some grapes in hospital.

l've changed tactic recently.

l'm observing people at their houses,

so l can work out a reason for paying them a visit.

(Lucy, quietly) ! Bye-bye, mm-mm, bye-bye !

(Lucy humming quietly)

Bye!

(Lucy humming)

(Doorbell)

(Woman) Hello. (Lucy) Hello. Mrs Ferris?

- Yes. - May l come in?

(Mrs Ferris) Yes.

(Lucy humming)

(Lucy) l'm afraid it's about Paul.

What?

We've been informed

he drowned this morning in his canoe.

(Gasping sob)

l'm very sorry, Mrs Ferris.

(Sobbing)

Must be quite a shock.

lt's very sad.

(Sobs) Oh.

l have actually got...

two tickets

to see Cats tonight.

Perhaps you'd like to see Cats with me?

Cats?

Shall l, erm, pick you up in a taxi?

- (Knocking) - lt's probably the police at the door.

l think he's here about this man l've electrocuted last week.

l told him l'd done it deliberately

to prolong the conversation.

We had an exciting chat but l don't know if it was a good idea.

(Pounding at door)

(Lucy giggling)

(Door opening)

(Man) Good evening, Miss Tiseman.

Peter Lusp from ClD. l've got a few questions l'd like to ask.

lt might take a little while so probably best if we pop down to the station.

(Lucy) Have you caught me? (Lusp) Come on.

(Giggling maniacally)

(Lusp) Get in the car, we'll go down the station

and have a chat, all right?