Original subtitles

'When walk to work all swig-faced,

'six months since you clowned it up

'and old friends cross the street

'and no one pays you any heed

'except...

'the dung-breathed men...

'who often now will pick you up...

'and van you to the Fens to wrestle pigs.'

(Wind instruments piping eerily)

Then welcome.

Mmm.

Ooh-heh.

Welcome.

ln jam.

- (Screeching) Jam! - Jam.

- (Metallic squealing) Jam! - Jam.

- Jam! - Jam.

Jam.

(Screaming, distorted) Jaaaaam!

(Slowed-down cow-like grunting)

(Fades)

Well, what usually happens

is he comes to the front door and he rings the bell

and l go to open the door

and l say, ''Why don't you use your key?''

And he says he's lost it

and l ask him why

and he says he's been gang raped...

you know, by a bunch of street poofs.

And then he says he's bleeding

and l say, ''Oh, my God, take your trousers off,

''let's have a look.''

So he takes his trousers off to show me...

and by then l'm...

very ready.

You know...

aching for a fuck.

(Childish chuckling)

- (Knock at door) - Come in.

- (Door opens) - Ah, morning.

- (Man) Morning. - Have a seat and sit down.

- Thank you. - Now, what seems to be the problem?

Well, l've had this headache for about two weeks now,

- er, pretty constant. - Mm-hm.

My sinuses are blocked.

- lt also goes round the back. - Right.

Erm, and l feel dizzy quite a lot.

- How are your ears? - Erm...they're OK.

Right.

And how big is your wanger?

Er... Sorry?

l'll need to look at your old chap.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, get it out. Let's have a look.

- ls it something to do with it? - Oh, yes.

Well...it's not bad.

Do you mind if l just, er...?

Ooh, hm, yes, good weight.

Erm...

Yes, good density.

ls this, erm...?

Yes. Erm, could you swing it about a bit?

What?

Swing your hips, make it slap against your thighs.

Yes, good.

Good, solid mass.

Er, double the speed.

(Slapping)

Yes...

Doctor, l-l'm not sure that this is....

(Doctor) Er, now, mine, look.

Doctor...

lt's nice but...it's not the same. Kind of more slinky.

Erm, could l stop now, please?

Oh, no, keep going. This is quite important.

Er, you understand what l'm doing here?

No.

l'm piecing together a holistic puzzle.

Oh.

Just keep that going.

Sarah, could you ask Dr Basingstoke to pop through?

Thanks.

- Can l stop now? - No. No, keep going.

Or, tell you what, jump up and down.

Wow, yes, that is powerful.

Do that too much and it'll swing right up your arse.

l can get mine to swing up my arse, look.

- Ah, Alison. - Oh, no. Not again.

Look at us. Keep going.

- Michael. - Synchronised cocks.

Michael, stop this.

- We have the same lob rate. - Michael.

- A harmony of knobs. - Michael!

- Now, stop it! - Really?

- But it's great. - No, it's not great.

l'm sorry about this. Put your things back on.

Right. ls this not necessary?

Yes. Sort of...

- Not particularly. - Oh.

You too, please, Michael.

(Alison) Pants first.

(Michael) Bloody hell.

- Right, erm, it's Nick, isn't it? - Nick Foster.

(Alison) Go next door and they'll get you another appointment.

Right.

Michael, this has got to stop.

- Has it? - Yes.

lt really has.

Yeah.

You're right.

lf you want to talk, l've always got time.

Yeah.

Thanks, Alison.

- See you later. - Yep.

- Alison? - Yes?

l've probably got three more goes at this before l get reported?

- No! - Please?

- No. - Please?

- Two. - Thanks.

(Woman) 'Very recently my landlord doubled the rent here.

'l spoke to the council and they said there's nothing l can do.'

So, erm, l've decided to lower the value of this place

to get my landlord where it hurts.

And, erm...

Vandalising it would have been too obvious

so l've been lowering the value of property throughout Kilburn,

generally.

'l've spread grease around, erm...

'l go to breakers yards and drain the car sumps

'and boil that up with water,

'make a sump oil mayonnaise

'and then smear it all over the place at night.'

And l've heard someone say,

''Nice houses in Kilburn but it's a bit greasy.''

'Erm...

'lt's pretty easy to break into hospital bins

'and...steal bags full of used dressings.

'lt makes an area read rather badly

'if it's covered in pussy rags - very demoralising.'

Probably the best thing l've done...

is, erm, l've got a sausage griddle, outside the tube station,

and l fry turds on it.

'l think it must be working

'because l've been threatened with eviction.'

And either way l would win

because either the houses drop in value

or l move out of the area anyway.

So...l can't lose.

- (Man) Mr Riley? - Yeah.

- l've come about the TV. - Yeah, right. Come in.

Thank you. Brand-new one, is it?

- Yes. - But not working?

Oh, it's working but it's full of lizards.

- Lizards? - Yeah. Have a look.

- Man's come to fix the telly, love. - About time, it's a bloody mess.

lt'll need a replacement.

- Hm...no. - No?

(Repairman) Seems to be set up properly.

But what about the lizards?

lt's a, er, it's a good picture.

l'm not having a TV pouring lizards into my house.

Well, you see, they're not really anything to do with me.

Yes, they are. lt's a brand-new television,

it's not supposed to have lizards in it.

Well, you see, it doesn't say anything about lizards.

Of course it bloody doesn't, they're not meant to be there.

- What about the cable company? - (Woman) lt's nothing to do with them!

- Have you checked? - No, we haven't!

Well, l do suggest you check with them

and maybe they'll be able to help you.

Are you telling me the cable company's sending us lizards?

Maybe, yes.

- (Woman) What? - Down the wire.

By mistake. Down the wire, the-the lizards...

Now, hang on. Look, mate, it's quite simple.

You sold us the telly, you delivered it yesterday, you set it up

and the first time we use it, it starts pouring lizards.

So you come up with a solution.

- Sweep them up. - Sweep them up?

- Yes. - (Woman) You sweep them up!

- No, you sweep them up. - What?

They're not really anything to do with me.

ls that all you can say, ''nothing to do with me''? ls that it?

- Wipers? - What?

Wipe them off the screen with windscreen wipers.

- This is fucking ridiculous! - No need to swear.

l can fucking swear in my house if l want to!

- No need for that. - What will your head office say?

- Yeah! - That you did it.

- What was that? - They'd say you did it.

- You what? - Why'd you fill it with lizards?

They started coming out as soon as you'd set it up.

- You filled your telly with lizards. - Right.

l'm gonna get you fucking sacked. What's your name?

- lt's Mr Lizard. - Stop fucking me about.

- Fucking nincompoop. - Come on, what is it?

Mr Lizard.

What's your boss's name?

- Another Mr Lizard. - Stop it! Fucking stop it!

He's Mr Lizar-d.

(Mr Riley) Stop it!

Where you going? Get back there and fix that TV!

- Where are you going? - Lizard, lizard.

Get back in there and do that telly!

(Shouting) You can't leave! A telly doesn't have lizards!

- (Screaming) You come here! - Come on.

- l told him! He wouldn't listen! - Come on.

(Ranting)

- Come on, come on. - (Screaming)

(Shouting) What's wrong with it?

- Shh! - The television...

- Stop it! - (Screaming hysterically)

(Sobbing) ..television...

- Stop it! - (Sobbing)

How much were you thinking of?

Well, 12o/o.

lf l give you 12o/o, l have to do that for everyone.

Hm. lt's just that l've put in a lot of extra time, you know.

At weekends and...evenings.

Every week for the past four months.

What if l give you...5o/o?

5o/o.

And l'll get Louise in here

and you can watch me wrestle her to the ground

and sit on her head.

Eh?

And then fart on it?

What?

- You'd fart on Louise's head? - Yes.

lt's the best l can offer you.

All right?

Yeah, OK.

Right. Louise, could you pop through for a second?

- 'Certainly, do you want a coffee?' - No, thank you.

Right, Louise, you know Andrew.

Hi, An...

Keep still or l'll break your neck.

- l can't breathe! - Hang on, keep still.

- (Farts) - Ahh!

- Ahh! - l'm sorry, l'll explain.

What are you doing?

Can you just go? Please. l will explain. Sorry.

You'd better go too, please.

Right. Thanks.

(lnaudible)

(Cash register beeping)

(Cashier) Bye.

(Man) Give me all the money in the till.

Give me all the money in the till.

l've got a gun in my stomach

and if you don't give me the money, l'll shoot you.

Next, please.

l mean it.

Right.

(Gunman) Shit!

(Muttering)

(! Mellow instrumental track)

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Morning, Mr Ventham. - Morning.

Erm, can l go straight in, please?

- No. - Oh, dear.

He's running just a bit behind.

But if you'd like to take a seat, l'll hurry him up for you.

Right, thank you.

Mr Ventham's waiting.

OK, thanks.

(Grunting)

(Falls silent)

Sorry.

lt's all right.

Do you mind if l carry on?

- No. - Right. Thank you.

(Grunting)

(Phone rings)

OK.

Thanks.

- He's ready for you now. - Right, thank you.

- Ah, Mr Ventham. - Morning.

Good morning, sir.

How can l help you?

Erm, l'm not sure where l put my wallet.

- Right. - Couldn't find it this morning.

Do you remember where you last had it?

- No. - l see.

Erm...

Well, have you looked in the kitchen?

- No. - Hm.

Well...look in there

or in the bathroom.

Right. Kitchen or bathroom.

Hm. We often put our wallets down in a silly place at night.

Yes.

- Probably on one of the surfaces. - Right.

- Anything else, sir? - No, thank you.

Right. Shall l put that on account?

- Yes, please. - Of course.

Help yourself to a shoe wire if you like, sir.

Fits either shoe.

- Very discreet. - Hm, yes.

Much better than the old wooden shoe wires, sir.

Good.

- (Knock at door) - Good. Well, goodbye, sir.

Yes, goodbye.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

- Goodbye, Mr Ventham. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye, sir. - Goodbye.

- A lovely shoe wire, sir. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, most people wouldn't know, sir.

Oh... Yes.

- Goodbye, sir. - Yes, goodbye.

Er, l'd just like to say to...

whoever took him...

we don't know who you are...

Or why you...

But he's only four years old.

So if you're watching...

- (! Tinny music) - ! Please bring him back

! Please, just bring him back

! He's still our little angel and we love him very much

! So if he's still alive

! Please, just bring our little Billy back !

Thank you.

(Applause)

(Man) 'The playgroup phoned up

'and said they'd found her eating a dead bird.'

(Woman) 'All feathers in her mouth.'

(2nd woman) 'We got a phone call one day

'saying she'd wandered into a police station

'with her pockets full of heroin.'

The competition to get into the best schools is pretty intense

and you have to use whatever methods you can.

(Woman) And to be certain that Alex gets in,

we're having to ensure that a lot of the opposition don't.

Just a bit worried about a little boy who lives in Furle Street.

Andrew Pearce.

We saw him incinerating a live crow.

Could have been a squirrel, it was a bit charred.

'l do have some pictures, actually. My husband has a lens.'

l think l've seen him driving a car as well.

'He's three.'

(Man) 'lt's often best to go directly for the kids.'

Getting them drunk's pretty effective.

- Hi, Marina. - Hello, Daniel.

- l've brought Marcus home. - Marcus!

- He was on the green. l think he's drunk. - (Man) Who is it?

lt's Marcus, he's drunk!

Yeah, he had some empty beer cans with him.

What on earth's going on?

He stinks of beer!

Oh, he had this with him as well.

Er, there's a couple of smoked ones in there.

Well, if there's anything l can do...

- Thanks, Daniel. - You know my number.

Thanks very much.

'lt would be better if we didn't have to do this

'but it's not our fault there aren't enough places.'

These work.

Puts a serious blot on a child's reputation.

You know what you've got to say? ''More porn now''.

More porn now.

l reckon we've eliminated about 20 kids so far

and, erm...

we're mopping up the rest by making them obsessed with pornography.

Now say, ''l want porn. l want porn.''

l want porn. l want porn.

Really hit that when you say it. ''l want porn!''

- l want porn! - Good girl. Well done.

l think we pretty much guaranteed our Alex a place

when we cut off his little finger.

lf they don't give him a place now...

l will be fucking livid.

(Echoing) 'Livid. Livid. Livid.

'Livid. Livid. Livid.

(Fading) 'Livid...'