Original subtitles

When dancing, lost in techno trance...

(! Pounding techno)

..arms flailing, gawky Bez.

'Then find you snagged on frowns

'and slowly it dawns,

'you're jazzing to the bleep tone of a life-support machine

'that marks the steady fading

'of your day-old baby daughter.

(Echoing) 'And when midnight sirens lead to blue-flash road mash,

'stretchers, covered heads

'and slippy red macadam

'and find you creeping 'neath the blankets

'to snuggle close a mangle bird,

'hoping soon you too will be freezer-drawered...'

Then welcome.

Mmm...

uu chemotherapy wig.

Welcome.

ln jam.

(Distorted) Jam.

(Pitch lowered) Jam.

(Piercingly distorted) Jam.

(Extremely distorted) Jam.

(Very slow, mechanised) Jaaaaaam.

lt's about Ryan.

Oh. ln trouble, is he?

Well, he isn't, it's more...

Martin.

Martin?

l've got into a bit of a mess, Max.

Mess?

And we felt because you are Ryan's godfather...

you could help.

(Max) Right.

Take my place for a bit.

''Take your place''?

You see, Ryan met this guy Dave at the pub.

We had...pretty strong suspicions about Dave.

He's a bit, er...

You know.

Oh.

And we really didn't want Ryan going that way.

Oh, no.

So, er, l went to the pub and met Dave

to take his mind off of Ryan.

Mm-hm.

Um, ended up...having to...

Yeah?

..bend over for him.

''Bend over''?

(Woman) ln bed. Bend over in bed.

(Martin) Keep him away from Ryan.

Oh.

lt's been going on for six months now.

More than three times a day at weekends.

l need a break, Max.

lf you could take over for me, just for a couple of weeks.

(Exhales)

lf you drink quite a lot, it's not so bad.

And he gives you this sniffing stuff

which, er, makes it easier.

Well...l really don't know.

(Woman) l've been doing my bit too, Max.

- You? - Making sure about Ryan...

and ladies.

(Martin) Anne's been going to bed with Ryan

disguised as a younger lady.

(Anne) He doesn't know it's me.

l wear a crop top and we meet in the dark.

He thinks l'm a prostitute.

Oh, my...

(Anne) Only l know it's me.

Can you help, Max?

Er...

Er, well...

l guess, er...

(Martin, sighing) Thanks, Max. (Anne) Yeah, thanks, Max.

lf you come upstairs l'll...

l'll show you some of the things he does.

Oh.

(Slow, distorted) 'The day Kilroy

'lost his mind.

'Mind.

(Breaking up) 'Mind.'

'Take care of each other.

(Looping) 'Take care of each other. Take care of each other.

'Take care of each other. Take care of each other.

(Echoing) 'Take care of each other. Take care of each other.

(Warping) 'Take care of each other. Take care of each other.'

Thanks.

Thank you, nurse.

How is that? Yes.

l'm sorry, there's no easy way to say this

but your condition really is very serious.

What?

You won't have realised this at the moment but you're in a coma.

- A coma? - Yes.

(Doctor) 'l first diagnosed symptomless coma three years ago

'and since then the number of cases has been steadily increasing.'

- l haven't even got a headache. - Very characteristic of the early stages.

'Obviously parents have a lot of difficulty

'coming to terms with symptomless coma.'

(Muffled) l think l'd like to get out, mum.

You what, love?

l want to get out, mum.

He's asking us to leave him alone. They get very tired.

- He doesn't want to get out? - No, he wants us to go.

- Dad? - Yes, son?

l think we better go before he gets upset.

Couldn't we just...?

He's likely to become a fool to himself.

Dad?

All right. We best go, then. Take care.

- (Muffled groaning) - Bye, love.

See you soon.

- (Muffled grunting) - Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Nurse, could you double the benzodiazepine, please?

(Doctor) 'To watch a patient...'

(Monitor) '..back of your neck.'

(Doctor) '..in a state of unavoidable decline...

'runs against every instinct l have.

'When the dreadful day comes

'l try and make things as easy as possible for the family.

'Even then their hopes can be very unrealistic.'

- Bye-bye. - (Moaning)

Oh, did he feel that?

No, he didn't. l'm afraid it was just a reaction.

But he moved. l'm sure he felt something.

lf he felt anything,

it would only have been excruciating pain.

'Sadly, there's no likelihood of a cure in the foreseeable future.

'l hope that one day there will be a cure

'but until that day,

'many more young people are going to die.

'And l'll have to do this job

'again...and again...

'and again.'

Day before yesterday l picked me car up from the garage.

Geezer says, ''Over there, mate.''

And l look - l cannot bloody believe it.

The car is only four foot long!

l said, ''What's this?'' He goes, ''lt's your car.''

''What do you mean it's my fucking car?''

''lt was like that when you brought it in.''

l said, ''Don't fuck me about, how did l drive that? lt's only 2'6'' tall!''

He goes, ''You must've put on some weight.''

Then the manager comes out - ''What the fuck's goin' on?''

l said, ''l paid for this.'' He goes, ''What's wrong with it?''

''What do you fucking mean? Look at the size of it!

''lt's only about four fucking foot long! What've you done?!''

He says, ''That's how it came in.

''l remember it cos l used to have one meself.''

''A fucking four-foot Vauxhall? Oh fucking yes(!)''

l said, ''ls that what l have to drive away?''

And he said, ''lt's your car, take it or leave it, it's up to you.''

So l had to fucking squeeze into it, didn't l?

Fucking knees round me ears in this four-fucking-foot car

that's only 2'6'' tall!

l mean, what am l? Fucking Noddy?!

Fucking Noddy?!

'l realised shortly after my 46th birthday

'that l wasn't going to get a wife

'and, erm, l'd messed up a couple of chances earlier on in my life.'

So l decided, erm, l'd marry myself. l'd do it alone.

(Vicar) He has declared his marriage

by the giving and receiving of a ring.

l therefore proclaim him...husband.

'lt was really lovely. lt was very nice.'

Here you go - watch out!

lt was...memorable.

Sometimes, er, l meet a woman or a...a young girl

l find l get along with well

or might meet and go out sometimes or meet them at work

and sometimes l think, ''Oh, l could've married her.''

But, um...

l'm...l'm really very happy.

(! Ambient soundtrack)

(Man) 'Um, it's a niche business.

'We specialise in providing thick people

'for jobs that they're particularly good at.'

Arguments. Thick people are very good at winning arguments

because they're too thick to realise that they've lost.

(Woman) l've come to pick up a black Lexus.

Right.

'Rowena's particularly thick.

'She's one of our top earners

'and she's very good with officials.

'She fails to grasp anything,

'least of all that she's being thick.'

So it's not your car, madam?

No, l'm picking it up for Mr Hunter.

l'm not Mr Hunter.

(Tapping on keyboard)

OK. lf you fill that form in for me

and that'll be �165, please.

lt's worth more than that. lt's worth about �12,000.

No, �165 is the fine you have to pay.

l don't see why l should pay �165

when Mr Hunter's already paid �12,000.

No, you're not... l know Mr Hunter owns the car

but it was parked in a restricted area.

Right.

- Do you know what a restricted area is? - No.

lt's an area where there are parking meters, right?

Do you know what parking meters are?

Yes, l know what a parking meters are.

Right. Your Mr Hunter's parking meter was over time.

He hasn't got a parking meter.

- The one he was at. - He was at a meeting.

But his car was at a parking meter and he didn't put enough money in it.

He puts his money in the car.

He should've put it in the parking meter.

No, he puts it in a tray.

l'm saying he didn't put enough money in the parking meter.

And l just said he puts his money in the car.

Not the car - l'm talking about the parking meter, all right?

- What? - He didn't put enough money in.

lt's not a parking meter, it's a car!

l know it's a fucking car, you stupid woman!

- For Christ's sake...! - (Man, unclear)

(lndistinct)

All right, madam, you can take the car. Off you go, it's yours.

- l can take the car? - Yes.

- Hm. Thank you very much. - Right.

You didn't have to shout at me like that.

Yeah, could you leave, please?

(Rowena) 'Do you do car washes at all?'

(Official) 'Go away.'

(Rowena) 'Just it's got quite dusty.'

(Man) 'He'd been standing there for a good ten minutes,

'just staring straight ahead of him.'

Then suddenly he swung his leg over the parapet and, er...

dropped off.

He hit the ground very hard,

lay there stunned for a second and then...

dragged himself to his feet and went back inside.

About 30 seconds he reappeared again,

hurled himself off headfirst,

landed on his chin.

Got up again, staggered about, went inside...

came out again onto the balcony, dived off...

and did it again and again...

and again - he just kept on going.

'l couldn't hear anything though the window was open until...'

The wind must have changed

and l could tell that he was sobbing in quite a wretched way

and after about 20 jumps

there must have been 15 people just staring at him.

Nobody was raising a finger. Didn't seem appropriate, really.

He seemed locked into a very private act.

Towards the end they had to help him inside

because he was quite badly broken up.

l don't think he couldn't have made it up the stairs by himself.

Then after about 40 jumps...

he just...didn't get up any more.

Apparently somebody asked him what he was doing and he...

he said he wanted to jump 40 times off a first-floor balcony

rather than off the top of a tall building

in case he decided to change his mind at any point.

But clearly he didn't.

(! Minnie Ripperton: Loving You)

! La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

! La-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la

! Dooten-dooten-do-doo

! Ahh-ahh ahh-ah-ahh

! La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

! La-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la

! Dooten-dooten-do-doo

! Ahh-ahh ahh-ah-ahh

! La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

! La-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la

! Dooten-dooten-do-doo

! Ahh-ahh ahh-ah-ahh !

(Couple arguing)

Lucy, Lucy, look, l've done a stupid thing, OK?

Bloody right you have!

Honestly, it was nothing!

- Oh, fuck off, Simon! - Look, l love you.

l bet you said the same to her.

- l don't give a fuck about her! - Expect me to believe that?!

lt was the spur of the moment. lt meant nothing!

Nothing?! Oh...

l didn't even know her name, for God's sake!

So how come Lana saw you snogging on the pavement?

- She said that? - Yes.

That's bollocks, Lucy! Cos my hand was over her mouth!

- So? - So...

l didn't even get one kiss off the woman.

Because l was bloody raping her.

(Simon) See?

- Really? - l'd never even met her before.

l was out of there as soon as l'd done it.

l'm not gonna see her again, am l?

- Promise? - What am l, some kind of nut?

- Oh! - Come here!

(Lucy) Sorry. l'm sorry.

(Lucy) Sorry.

(Knock at door)

(Slow, stretched) Come in.

Ahh, good morning. Do come in.

- Have a seat. - Thanks.

So, what seems to be the trouble?

lt's my leg.

Um...

lt's really painful.

Just there.

Hm. Right.

Does that hurt?

That's your leg.

(Doctor) Yes.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

lt's much nicer than yours.

Could you leave me alone now, please?

This isn't right, you know.

l know.

(Stretched, pitched down) Bye.