All language subtitles for Once Upon a Girl (1976)

Like.

It's great for the cotton, but lousy for
the human beings.

Why, it's so bad, it can turn your juicy
fruit to dust.

Oh, Sandy Flush!

Oh, now, here's an interesting little
news item. A very strange old lady has

been apprehended in the heart of our
fair community.

And she claims to be the original real
mother... the goose. Now ain't that a

cracker?

And according to Sheriff Jobob, that old
pervert was telling some of the low

-downest stories you ever heard.

Well, let's not judge that poor old
weirdo until she gets one of our...

key witness.

Will the key witness please step inside?

Coming! Coming!

Oh, my!

Raise your right hand.

Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, nothing but the truth,

so I forgot?

We do.

We do. Of course we do.

State your name for the record.

Mother Goose. Mother who?

Mother Goose.

I'll be damned.

You're a witness, Wilbur.

You claim your name is Mother Goose.

That's right, sweetie pie.

May I call you Miss Goose? No, call me
Mother.

Now you are the one true Mother Goose.

You're fucking right I am.

Oh, by gracious, you must have used your
heater.

Because it certainly is warm.

Judgey-wudgy, a little present for you.

This court don't accept bribes. Well, I
was only trying to make a little yoke.

Proceed, little boy.

All right then, mother.

Now, Femmine, fair tale, truthfully,
been charged with disturbing

feats.

Unlawful assembly.

And murdering.

Murdering our most valued children's
moralistic teachings.

Now, you were present.

You were there as guest speaker this
Sunday.

Now, would you tell us why and what

transformed?

Well, yes. You see, I was there to tell
them about... the way things truly

happen. In the old days, I was forced to
tell the accounts of Little Red Riding

Hood, Cinderella, Jack and the
Beanstalk, for instance, the way certain

chauvinist big-shot kings wanted them
told.

Well, you know, from the man's point of
view.

Well, if I hadn't set those stories down
the way they wanted to hear them,

it would have been my... The old
chopping block, you know?

Yeah. So, I finally decided that I had
to set things right. And

now is the time.

How do you mean, now?

Well, I guess I'd better start at the
fucking beginning.

There was a little girl named
Cinderella.

who slept in the haystack with Jack and
the Beanster. No, that's the wrong

story.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting with
Little Miss Muff... No, Jack and the

Beanster. Oh, well.

Once upon a time... And this, kids, is

the real tale of Jack and the Bean...
Jack and the Beanstalk.

Where is that little crumb snatcher?
Jack?

Oh, Jack.

Come out, Jack.

Oh, he's a good boy. Always into
something. Curious and studious.

Always trying to improve his mind.

Hello, Duncan.

What are you doing up that tree?

Can't you see you're studying nature?

Thank you.

way, you dirty old despot. Oh, boy, that
milkmaid almost closed out the act that

time, Froggy.

I'm so thirsty, fear makes one's mouth
very dry.

Hey, look over there.

It's old Bossy, my favorite watering
hole.

Now, wait a minute, Baby Cake. Your
mother told you not to molest that...

She don't give but a little milk anyway.

I want you to take her to the village
and sell her to the highest bidder. And

take this lily pad pervert with you.

I told you so. I

told you so.

Oh, how the heck, heck, hamster, you old
transvestite.

I'm going to write you out of my next
mother.

Sorry.

Halt ye forthwith!

Who are you?

Can ye not tell?

Hast thou not heard of Dopey, Sneezy,
Grumpy, Lumpy, Bumpy, and Rumpy?

Hark! I am thy eighth dwarf.

Want to trade thy cow for some dirty
pictures?

I've got some of Snow White around thy
house ye would not believe.

Or how about a little Miss Muffet
sitting on her tuffet?

Or how about Little Red Riding Hood and
the wolf?

Granny, too.

And don't forget those perennial
favorites.

sleeping beauty, thy fairy princess and
handsome prince.

Listen,

you little lech, I'm not trading my
bossy for any old bunch of kinky

pictures.

Oh, well, would you trade thy tongue for
me?

Yuck. Ooh, that's disgusting.

Very well. Would you trade for a...
Genuine gypsy princess.

Hey, kid. How you like to try these kind
of teats?

Watch out, Jack.

It's a trick.

It's my trick, so butt out.

Yeah.

I think we have ideas.

Jack let into them. They was a whole lot
softer and squishier than old Bossy's

others. But they didn't write at first,
here to give up much dang milk.

And that little old gypsy gal, she
learned right then and there what suck

was all about.

Is that cow going to miss you?

That gypsy started fumbling with little
Jack's fly and finally pulled out the

stingiest little prick you ever seen.

Then she started fiddling with the
little pickle till it started to grow.

couldn't get her hand around it.

You try to fuck up deal, kid.

Then she grabbed ahold of Jack's cock
and steered that big bat into her

steaming pussy.

Ooh, little Jack's...

I got some sad news for you, kid.

You ain't never going to find pussy what
can live with your big prick.

You're going to fuck them all dead.

Gypsy think maybe you had the right
thing going with that old cow.

But she ain't in the family no more.

So, tell you what, kid.

I got soft spot.

I will give you three magic beans also,
besides screw.

And you plant them, and you got one big
surprise.

You won't be no big surprise when Ma
sees what I traded B-B-B-Bossy for.

She'll cream me.

Well, Mother... Men can do.

Jim went, you little brat.

None go. I can't believe it. I can't
believe it. You traded our cow for a few

measly beans.

Nobody is that dumb. I'll show you what
you can do with your beans.

Now go to your room and get out of my
sight.

Okay.

cow just to suck on that gypsy's tits.

Remember those tits, Froggy?

Wow. Those were the softest things I
ever had.

And the nipples.

Oh, boy.

That warm, wet, fuzzy little pussy.

Oh, shit.

I get horny just thinking about her
again.

Wow!

them beans created

Inside. Why don't you crawl under the
door, dummy?

Okay, okay, don't nag me.

I thought I heard you playing harp. I
couldn't figure out why I was getting

so... so hot and horny.

Oh, and who do we have here?

Hiya, ma'am. I mean, big lady.

Oh, as I live and breathe, it's a little
bitty boy baby.

Gracious sakes alive.

Aren't you a pretty little thing?

Oh. Oh, my.

What a squirmy little rascal you are.

Oh.

I, I, I am, boy, am I sure powerful,
thirsty big lady.

Well, maybe this will help.

Now, don't that beat all. He's turning
on his famous sock.

What's that big hussy going to do with
Jack?

Quickly, little boy, lest he find you
and eat you alive.

See thy whole feet.

I home from golf and as happy as a
warthog in heat.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Where my little harp?

Play, little harp.

I going to hump the hostess like she
never been humped before.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Looks like there was no place to hide
but in that giant pussy.

Cousin, nobody wants to be ate alive.

Oh, it must be powerful hot in there.

It must make a fella terrible thirsty.

Look at that crazy kid.

He thinks he's sucking on another
nipple.

Husband, come quick. I need you.

If I fall from, I going to diddle my
sweet wifey come.

I going to drive my eight iron into her
head trap.

I'm coming.

Oh,

I come.

I came.

It's a pure miracle that Jack never
drowned in there.

But lucky for him, that big old cock
pulled out of the cave and the tide

started going out with it. And little
Jack, he got caught up in the undertow

and come a swooshing out of the
giantess's cunt.

Like a fresh-born baby.

That giant, he sees Jack a-sputterin'
and a-flailin' and...

And he was struck

plumb dumb.

By God, this one-five... wife I got in
it. One

big buck and he give me fine baby boy
like

that. Already with clothes on.

What other wife do that?

That's the wrong story.

Oh, dear.

Judge.

Judge.

I just can't seem to make this thing
work anymore.

Caroline, honey, don't you worry. You
just listen to the story.

$100, Roy.

$200, Roy.

$300, Roy.

$999.99, Roy.

But, Your Honor, I don't have $999.

Just make it three $1 Havana cigars.

Now, you hush up, Roy. The bench wants
to hear more.

Proceed.

Mother? Yes, Your Honor.

You see, my mother... He used to sell
maternity gowns, and they called her the

biggest motherfucker in the world.

Anyway, if you really want to hear a
good story, let me tell you... All

right, I'd like to request recess.

All right, see, just when she was
getting to the good part.

The shit that Cinderella went through.

Well, she got on her broom, and... No,
that's the wrong one again.

Let's see.

Cinderella is the story of a little girl
who rode her broom...

Now,

there once lived in the village of
Pax... a prosperous widowed merchant

named Fortunato and his beautiful
daughter named Eleanor Amor.

Fortunato was a kind and generous man
and a good father to Eleanor Amor.

But alas, Fortunato had one weakness, an
eye for the ladies.

There were the shapely maidens in his
employ.

Lascivious smiles readily returned.

Then pinched buttocks and squeezed
bosoms. And finally, quick favors

happily granted a wealthy master.

But living in the village was an evil
woman named Morta.

She was a wretched hag who wanted
Fortunato for his money.

She tried everything to get his
attention.

But nothing would work.

Until she became furious with rage by
Fortunato's rejections.

Morta fashioned a wicked scheme to share
in Fortunato's wealth.

I will put a spell on him with a magic
potion.

And I'll get the from the Wicked Witch
of the Whang.

Come in, dearie.

Come in.

That's right, dearie. This way.

Come on.

I thought this used to...

Oh,

it is, honey, it is.

Oh, but you got to keep up with times,
Torch.

Oh, what can I do for you?

How about this little item?

It's old battery all right.

in the way of a love potion.

Love potion? I can see why you might
want one.

Oh, shut up. You demented old dropout.

Together for a party.

No. No, no.

I want a potion to make Fortunato fall
in love with me.

What's this?

Chopped liver?

All right, dearie. How about this, girl?

And when he woke, she seemed to him a
beauteous, lustful nymph, so richly

adorned that Fortunato swooned in
anguish.

They made passionate love.

I'm longing to care for you and your
darling daughter, Fortunato.

They were married the next day.

I married the most exotic beauty in the
world.

And Eleonora will be happy with her new
home life and her two nice sisters.

However, the spell didn't last long.

Very soon, Fortunato discovered the true
nature of his blitz.

I...

He went half crazed to a faraway country
and never returned.

Morta was furious. She was now deprived
of the riches she had aimed to possess.

I have half a mind to put the little
monster out into the street.

But maybe, maybe I can put her to better
use.

Now Eleonora was made to wait upon her
stepmother and stepsisters, hand and

foot. Do all the housework while her
stepsisters looked on and laughed.

Do all the gardening and never to utter
complaints.

Little Eleonora did all this with never
a protest.

For she was a sweet child in the purest
sense.

Her nice clothes were taken away from
her.

Instead... She was given rags in the
corner of the fireplace in which to

sleep.

Even her lovely name was changed, for
they started calling her Cinderella.

For seven years did Cinderella toil
without complaint while her

stepsisters lazed or played games.

Then, one day, while Cinderella was
outdoors working in the garden, a troop

of noblemen happened by.

Cinderella was astonished when the
youthful leader reined his proud horse

and elegantly doffed his cap.

A good day to you, miss.

Cinderella could not speak.

So overcome was she with a pounding of
her breath.

must be going, your highness.

Your highness?

That was the prince.

The prince returned to the castle and
presented himself to the king and queen.

Your majesty, I am sad to report that I
have not been able to find a fair

princess that I would, should, could, or
in any sense of the word, would marry.

That's very sad indeed.

I've got to get you married and
screwing. to ensure a line of

succession. Oh, dear.

Oh, sorry.

There is but one solution to the
quandary.

We must have a ball.

Or maybe two.

And every eligible maiden in the land
will come and dance with the prince.

Bright and early the next day, royal
couriers fled to the far corners of the

kingdom and nailed up notices to
announce the royal ball.

beautiful gowns, then surely his
highness cannot do anything else but

choose one of us.

Surely, surely.

But of course, my sweet darlings.

May I not attend the ball too,
stepmother dear, if only for a little

while? Don't be a silly ass, Cinderella.

Thou hast so much work to do, thou wilt
be too tired.

Be thine.

Thou wilt have nothing to wear.

Morta bought the most beautiful silk she
could buy, and she and her daughters

made two gowns, one for Anastasia and
one for Anathema. Oh,

I'm so proud of you two.

You look so delicious.

I'd marry you myself.

As for you, dear...

Here's some silken finery to adorn
thyself with.

With these words, Morta dangled two
small pieces of cloth, leftovers

from the dresses, in front of
Cinderella's face and let them fall to

the floor at her feet.

Cinderella buried her face in her hands
and sobbed softly.

Came the night of the ball. The
stepsisters scrubbed themselves clean,

while Cinderella brought one bucket of
water after another.

When they had finally departed,
Cinderella sat by the open window,

staring dreamily at the distant royal
castle.

She was all the while sewing up the bits
of pretty cloth Morta had given her.

I will go to the ball. No matter what
happens, I must see the prince again.

I do hope the prince finds me
attractive.

Oh, how I wish I had a beautiful gown
like the other girls.

In the meantime, the prince had a dismal
time of it.

He danced in turn with all the eligible
maidens, while the king became more and

more impatient.

This is all for nothing.

I see no love light appear in the
prince's eyes.

In fact, I think that this is the
dumbest collection of broads I've ever

laid my eyes on.

Oh, dear. Oh, sorry.

Cinderella was so spent from getting her
sisters ready for the ball that she had

fallen into an exhausted sleep.

Suddenly, Cindy was awakened by a
blinding flash.

An old but friendly witch appeared who
smiled at Cindy.

Who are you?

I am thy godmother, my dear child. Yes,
aren't I?

Now, I'm here to see to it that you go
to the ball tonight and have a prince.

I mean, go to the prince and have a
ball. I mean, I hope that you meet the

prince again tonight.

But thou shalt do exactly as I tell
thee. And don't be the least bit

surprised.

Oh, yes, yes. How wonderful.

Now, let's see.

What's the first thing I do? I take my
little wand and then I... Oh.

Oh, yes, of course. It's the beautiful
pumpkin gown.

Huh?

Oh, good heavens.

Please get me out of this.

Gosh, I'm sorry, dear. You know, it's
been such a long time. Let me think now.

I must, if I come in, it will click out
the cap. Oh, let me think, think, think,

think.

Oh, don't worry.

Oh, my.

Let me try plan 12.

That wasn't it.

Don't I? Yes, I do. Oh, gosh, if you
knew what I went through.

I know, I know, but please get me out of
this thing.

Oh, yes, good heavens, it's getting
early. I mean, it's getting late.

Your dress.

Aha. Now, let's see. Your dress is taken
care of. Now, the next thing is... Is

how do I get there? The next thing is
how do you... I just said that, Cindy.

Ah, let me see now. First, we need some
horses. Yes, horses. Aha.

Have you got any mice?

I can turn them into mice.

Oh, no time for joking. Now, let me
think. What should I do? No, that won't

work. I could try that. Oh, gosh, that's
silly. I know that would never... Wait.

Oh, gosh. Well, just don't worry about
anything. I mean, for me, it's just a

piece of cake.

With these words, a huge cake appeared.

Oh, good Lord.

Which floated about two feet from the
ground.

Cinderella had completely disappeared.

The cake made sputtering noises as it
started to move towards the door.

The door opened all by itself, and the
cake sailed into the starry night.

The clock now told eleven.

The cake, as if it had a mind of its
own, floated towards the castle.

If these girls cannot get the prince
interested, maybe they can stuff

themselves with something else.

Where's that cake I ordered?

What the hell is going on around here?

now, dear. Sorry.

Now, there's a neat trick from the
kitchen.

We have a very clever cook, dear.

At exactly a quarter to twelve, the huge
cake landed on the table, just when the

unhappy prince was dancing by.

You better drop it now, your highness,
my son.

It looks like a pretty good piece of
cheesecake there on the table. The

prince didn't need prodding. He indeed
dropped his partner.

who fell with a heavy thud on the palace
floor.

Then it happened.

The cake opened up, and out came
Cinderella, while the prince and

everyone else looked on in utter
amazement.

Her dress, made from the scraps of her
stepsister's gowns, miraculously clung

to her perfect body.

Now the prince seemed to float also

Then

suddenly the clock struck 12

Find her again. For days did the
handsome, hung-up prince mope around the

castle, hoping for Cindy's return.

If ever I find her again, I'm going to
crown her my princess.

But when that proved in vain, he decided
that he would go out and find her.

I don't even know her name or where she
lives.

All I know is that she's a virgin. A
lovely, unspoiled, delicate virgin.

After six weeks and more than 14,000
stops, he still hasn't found one virgin.

Most maidens profess to be.

I have tried and tested every girl who
said she was a virgin.

But then one day, when he was just about
ready to give up.

I feel that I've been here before.

That house. This garden.

Your Highness,

I thought you would never come.

Madam, if I told you how often I have
come in the past six weeks... Oh,

Your Highness.

I deeply regret Your Highness's wasted
efforts, sir.

All the while, my two lovely,
talented...

So his daughters were ready for the
picking, I might add.

I seek but one, madam, but produce them
if you must.

Here they are, your highness.

Two of the most lovely virgins in the
land.

Your Highness?

Oh, a mere scullery maid, Your Highness.

An ill-kept wretch who lives among the
cinders.

Were you at the ball?

Yes, Your Highness.

Then another miracle happened. The
prince touched Cindy's shoulder.

Spark flew. Her dress fell from her
shoulders and crumpled to the floor.

I knew I would recognize you when I saw
you again.

Marta and her daughters...

stared in envious disbelief when the
prince gathered Cinderella in his arms

and kissed her passionately. I want to
make you my princess.

We shall now withdraw into the garden
and no one is invited.

And that was only fair.

When a prince decides to make a
princess, then that's nobody's business

but the princess.

I don't think so, my sweet.

When they finally left, it was almost
dark.

They can keep your clothes.

They can make dresses out of them for
those two ugly stepsisters of yours.

You're right, darling. I don't think I'm
going to have much use for clothes for

quite a while yet.

And so they rode off into the sunset.

And they lived happily ever after.

ever after.

Well, now, didn't that end nice?

Fairy tales always end like that, don't
they?

Bullshit!

You ought to know why they ended like
that.

Because they were afraid to tell the
truth.

Do you want to see what happily ever
after was really like?

Okay, I'll show you happily ever after.

This is what it was like 20 years into
that beautiful sunset.

The kingdom continued to slide into
bankruptcy because the prince couldn't

get out of bed long enough to run it
properly.

Cinderella started popping kids out of
her belly like biscuits from an

oversexed oven until her figure was
shot.

Morta and the stepsisters ran out of
money and had to move into the castle

because that was the easiest way to
support them.

The prince took to fooling around with
the local talent and got crabs.

The stepsisters kept complaining.

The kids kept crying.

Morta nagged and bitched. The prince
bitched and itched. And Cinderella grew

old before her time.

That, kiddies, is what lived happily
ever after was really like.

What you need is a little drink.

I just think you're something else.

Ooh, give me your hand.

Morning, Michael.

Morning, Michael.

Come on.

Come on.

Sis, I'm hearing another story.

Well, Judge, if you insist.

Let's take the case now. That little
fart head jacking the beanstalk.

It seems that he was having an affair
with Jack Spratt and his wife, who at

one time found Mary Mary quite contra...
Oh, no.

That's not right at all.

Oh.

Once upon a time, there was a pretty
golden-haired maiden named Little

Red Riding Hood.

who lived in a pretty little cottage on
the edge of a deep wood.

Now, everyone agreed that Little Red
Riding Hood was the sweetest, most

enchanting little girl they had ever
known.

So dainty and polite and well-mannered
to everyone she chanced to meet.

Small wonder that the whole village
loved Pretty Little Red Riding Hood.

and I overslept.

Oh, dear.

I have to get ready.

I've never been to a wedding before and
I have such a long way to travel through

the forest.

Oh, help me, you two.

the wedding now.

And you better get cracking, Lambie Pie,
or you'll be late and screw up this

whole story.

Oh, my goodness, Mother Goose. Don't be
so pushy.

I'm going.

I'm going.

And off she went to the wedding in the
little chapel in the Green Dell.

Tippity-tap, tippity-tap went her dainty
feet. Russell swish, Russell swish went

her lace petticoats. Bounce, bouncy
bounce went her bouncy ripe young

breasts.

Oh, dear. I pray I shall not be late for
the wedding.

There be a gullible young wench if ever
I seed one.

Aha!

Whither goest thou on my path?

I but hasten to a wedding in the little
chapel in the green dell.

Suddenly a cool chill crept over Red as
she perceived a swelling bulge.

in the bold hunter's crotch.

Please let me pass, lest I be late.

Canst thou pay the price of passage,
lovely lass, here?

Oh, I have not a farthing upon my
person. Then you must trade.

Trade? I have nothing to trade.

It will cost ye kisses.

Kisses? Yes, kisses.

Agreed? Yes.

I suppose that's a fair trade.

Gain shot through Red as he seated
himself squarely in her nest.

Deeper, harder, faster, fiercer grew the
hunter's assault until, at length, he

stiffened like an arrow and...

Through

eyes watery with tears, Red saw

the trees spinning wildly.

Well,

I guess I'm okay.

In fact, I feel kind of good in a
strange sort of way.

the little chapel in the green dell.

Kind sir, may I please pass?

Thou shalt pay the price of passage
then, sweet miss.

Oh, please, I have not a shilling upon
my person.

Screw thy shilling.

Thy lush young body are trade for thy
fair, saith I.

Whereupon he thrust the fearful maiden
hard upon an oaken tree.

and planted the hot length of his unit
firmly into the girl's naked belly.

Thus embraced, Red was soon

partaking in the frenzy with mounting
excitement.

writhing until suddenly the second
hunter siphoned like a spear and threw

his weight into an almighty final
thrust.

Through the rosy afterglow of a second
full-bloom orgasm within minutes, Red

perceived the hunter's once ponderous
prick's sash shrinking to lifelessness.

Ah,

oh, t'was a right amiable fuckethness.

Thy fiery count will stir pleasing
memories.

Please, if it pleases you, proceed to
yonder wedding.

where I was going.

Are you all right?

Well, I betasen to a wedding in the
little chapel.

Please let me pass.

Well, I suppose I must pay passage, but
I have no coin upon me.

Well, thou fuck me in fair trade, if I
be to thy liking.

No coin?

The other hunters allowed me to pay
passage in this manner.

I will pay my debts, lest that I be late
to the wedding.

And with that, she grabbed two handfuls,
and her body began to tingle with a hot

flush of anticipation.

The poor overwrought girl parted her
thighs and steered the hunter in the

right direction.

struck quite dumb with dismay she didn't
understand.

She tried closing her eyes but the trees
didn't spin or change colors.

Sir, I think you gave me very cheap
passage. You should charge more for the

use of your path.

The wedding.

Oh, my goodness, the wedding.

What's this?

A troll bridge?

I sure hope this doesn't mean I'll have
to pay.

Okay, bitch.

And just where do you think you're
going?

I hasten to the wedding in the little
chapel in the green dell in the deep

woods.

Lady, I've heard that same old shitty
line so many times in this story, it

just makes me sick to my stomach.

So listen, sister, I gotta set you
straight.

This is my bridge.

My bridge.

And you can't cross without paying some
kind of passage.

Nothing's free, you know.

a cat on pussy nip.

So then what?

Well, there's always some kind of sex.

Say, how about a frozen daiquiri?

Haven't seen any bold hunters and tight
tights roaming around the woods, have

you? Well, as a matter of fact, I've
already paid passage to at least two, so

there must be some more.

Well, if that's the case, I'll make a
deal with you.

Now, I'll let you cross my bridge.

If you find me one of those bold ones.

Oh, but I haven't the time.

I'm late for the wedding already.

Oh, then just forget it. Doesn't make
any difference anyway.

I just can't take it anymore.

Nowadays, you know, a troll's life is
for shit.

Got any Valium?

think you got problems, huh?

Hmm. Just look at my creek. The water's
been rising so high, there's no more

muck or slime to slosh around in.

And this clean living could kill a
troll.

Haven't eaten a gruff goat in a month.

And to top it off, this used to be a
cozy little duplex bridge when Cyril and

I lived here together for years.

Until last week, he ran off with some
damn trag.

A trag?

A troll in drag. A troll in... drag, you
dumb twit.

Well, I'm sure sorry to hear about
Cyril.

Oh, I guess I just didn't smell bad
enough for it. Well, this is all very

sad, but I must get to the wedding
because... Yes, yes, yes, well, life has

dealt me a troll blow.

There it was, the little chapel in the
green dell.

But the wedding ceremony was fully
underway when Red got to the chapel.

We are gathered here today to join this
young couple in the vows of holy

matrimony.

Do you, Adam, take this young...

farthing to be your... Do you want to
marry this girl today?

And if you... And young lady, will you
obey everything this young man might ask

you to do? What God has put together,
let no man put asunder. If there's

anybody in this place that knows why
these two young foolish idiots shouldn't

be joined together, would you please say
so now or forever hold your peace?

Hello!

Red stood at the doorway of the chapel,
innocent of her nakedness. But not

everyone at the wedding was as innocent
as our heroine. The groom was so moved

by this vision that he could no longer
control the beast in him.

Red couldn't figure why anyone was
acting so strangely.

until she saw the groom's giant cock.

Oh, now I understand.

I must pay the price of admission to go
to the wedding.

And with that revelation, she proceeded
to pay in the only currency she had to

trade.

May I kiss the groom?

I, uh, well... Red made history then and
there.

What she did set fair precedent for
wedding kisses.

Oh, my God, Red.

Couldn't thou not wait till after the
wedding?

Must learn to be tolerant and
understanding of unforeseen developments

along life's pathway.

Down this quickly, my child.

There, there. Don't we feel better now,
my child?

His holy heel, though.

And again did the bride doubt it,
getting more stupefied by the minute.

A little red is red riding.

My sweetest best friend.

With these words, she pulled the ribbon
of her bodice so that her voluptuous

left breast felt almost naturally...

directly into the friar's waiting,
hungry mouth.

My sweetest and best

friend is God damn cheap cunt.

No, no, no.

Moral, moral tone.

Meanwhile, it was becoming increasingly
clear that Red had... started something

that could only get out of hand.

And soon it did.

While the friar was feasting lustily, a
kindred brother appeared on the bride's

neglected side.

Hot flashes started to parade through
her body, and more so because a third

brother had lifted up her dress and had
started nibbling between her thighs.

It was a good thing she did, too,
because in short order, the lovely,

forsaken virgin bride was having a
banger party.

And no one

needed a second invitation.

Clothes flew up in the air and dropped
to the ground in quick succession.

realized that this wedding party could
as easily become a participating sport.

By and by, the little chapel in the
green dell in the deep

woods was a fucking circus.

Red Riding Hood had taxed her
Goldilocks. No, well, in truth, the

pretty girl lost count of how many times
she came on time. But then...

Oh, haha!