Original subtitles

Good evening.

Is something bothering Daddy?

He's just preparing to do his taxes.

Yikes and gadzooks.

And here we go.

Look what the IRS is doing to Daddy.

First it is poor Willie Nelson...

...Who brings us-- Brings us so much joy...

...And amasses a fortune. They take it away.

Next they set their sights on Redd Foxx.

They drive him to Royal Family...

...And you know he wasn't gonna live long after that.

Well, it always comes in threes.

And which American idol do they turn to next?

Al Bundy.

Well, I'll never star on Royal Family.

Wouldn't mind doing an episode or two of Growing Pains or something...

...But I don't wanna be on ABC.

Now, take it easy, Dad.

Look at the size of this bill.

They're trying to take away everything I've earned over 20 years.

- Oh, no, Al. - Yes.

Forty-four dollars.

You try to get just a little bit ahead and then...

Daddy, is there something that we can do to help?

Well, get part-time jobs and help Dad out.

No, seriously, Al.

What can we do?

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you just give the government the bird and not pay the taxes.

Kelly, you can't cheat the government.

Pretty soon they'll tack on interest and penalty payments...

...And before you know it, in a few years this will be 50, 60 bucks.

Then you got the monkey on your back for the rest of your life.

Forty-four dollars.

They could take the house.

Great. Then we'd still owe $30.

Why, it's Steve.

- Steve Rhoades. - Don't shout.

Just shut the door.

Open the door. I'm on the run, you nitwits.

- But he said to shut it. - What do we do now?

Don't know.

I don't know, it's like he wants two things.

Well, I was gonna ask what's new...

...But obviously you've all gone to college since I left town.

I left town years ago.

- Left Marcie, became a forest ranger. - He went to Yosemite.

- Oh, that's right. - That's where he went.

- Sit down. - Yeah, forest ranging.

That was the life.

Just me and the wind, roaming free where no man goes.

Wow, it must have been a pretty strong wind.

- So... - Steve.

Steve, what are you doing here?

I brought this.

Back, jackals, you can't eat this.

This is a genuine double-breasted...

...Speckle-ruffed, weenie canyon hawk.

This hawk is as rare to this country as soap is to you people.

They were going to take it to a lab.

Well, someone had to stop them.

Someone with courage, with conviction and real American guts.

So I bribed a Boy Scout to climb up and get it for me.

It cost me a quarter, but I wasn't the one who broke my leg...

...Falling out of the tree.

So here I stand, the proud ecowarrior.

And I must say, I feel the hero.

Gee, Steve, you're leading a darned interesting life.

It's too bad Alfalfa's dead...

...Because he would have made a good you in the movie of your life.

Well, to be honest, there is another reason I came back.

Well, I never considered that $50 a loan, Steve.

Not that, you imbecile.

I came to re-claim my wife.

Steve, I think there's something that you should--

Peg, the man has traveled many a mile.

Let's not keep him from the bosom of his woman...

...Wherever it may be.

Thanks. But, you know, it's funny, my key doesn't seem to work in the door.

Oh, here. Try one of ours.

Let's see, the Murphys, the Mullens, the Levins.

- Here. - Oh, good.

Now, don't tell Marcie.

I wanna surprise her.

Okay.

You might want to cover the children's ears.

There may be some noises youngsters shouldn't hear.

We're counting on it.

Marcie...

...Daddy's home.

I guess I'll wake her like I used to.

You're letting your hair grow long again.

Feels just like silk.

Thanks. I conditioned it tonight.

That's good. You know, with your texture--

- What are you doing? - Intruder!

- Marcie! - Steve!

You getting all this, Bud?

Wow, look at them running around.

Hey, how come I can't see anything?

I got him, you guys. Over here.

- How dare you? - It's an outrage!

This is an outrage!

Hey, where'd that little guy come from?

It's Marcie.

No! No!

Oh, God, Al, look at the mayhem and carnage you caused.

You know, every now and then I really love you.

He's your husband?

Were you hurt so bad when I divorced you that you'd marry this?

Whoa, the desperation.

This is the mighty Steve?

The one you used to throw in my face?

The one who wasn't much to look at, but at least he's got a job?

You know, you gigolos make me sick.

You think because a man divorces his wife...

...You can move right in and marry her?

Well, I'm back.

So you can just pack up your hair and profile...

...And find another heartbroken...

...Discarded middle-aged woman to marry...

...And leave us decent folk to our happy home.

Pardon me, Yogi.

You're not wanted here. Marcie's got a real man now.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

Well, according to my watch, it's 10:22.

When I was married to her, we were never sleeping at 10:22.

She's just resting.

She's been on the Tilt-A-Whirl since six p.m.

- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Ever taken her in the kitchen? - On and off the table.

- Front yard, baby? - Firehouse.

- Dairy Queen. - U-Lube It.

- In a homeless person's shopping cart. - Really?

- How do you keep it from rolling? I-- - You see the wheels--

Excuse me!

Gentlemen, but I have something I'd like to say here.

Ta-ta, little nose.

- I knew she'd come crawling back. - Crawling?

To you?

"Ha-ha," I say. I wouldn't crawl to you...

...If I had a date with Mel Gibson, and you had the last diaphragm on Earth.

Me neither.

Despite what you think, you are not God's gift to women.

Oh, yeah? Tell that to the burly Earth First! babes...

...Who come out every spring looking for baby moose and loving.

They may not shave like you and I...

...But they can fill out a flannel shirt, I can tell you that.

Then why are you back?

I'll tell you why you're back.

You're back for this.

I'm blind! My eyes! My eyes!

That's right.

Read them and weep.

They answer to another man's whistle now.

That's me, right?

Just shut up and look pretty.

And you, you can tell your story walking.

- I know you don't mean that. - Oh, don't I?

- Jefferson. - Yeah.

Take me right now.

Honey...

...Mr. Bashful might be a little, you know, under the weather...

...What with the ex here and all.

Do it and do it now!

- He's looking at me. - Oh, God, you are such a baby!

All right. Just lie there.

Okay.

I get the message.

But before I walk out the door for the last time...

...What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Take this to your grave.

Now I'm blind too!

And none of you could tell me she was married?

We don't like to use the M-word in front of the children.

Open up, it's the FBI.

That could just be for me...

...Since stealing this egg is a federal offense.

Oh, and if you get any ideas, so is harboring me.

If you need me, I'll be in the basement.

Hello, Agent Mahoney, FBI.

Have you seen this man?

Have you seen this egg?

They're known to be in the area. Have you seen either of them?

Let me tell you something.

I served my country.

I played high school football.

Four touchdowns in one game.

Yet I'm not exempt from state and federal taxes.

Now, is this any way America should treat its heroes?

So you just flash that badge at some registered voter, buddy.

We're Bundys.

We hate cops.

I feel good.

Let's watch TV.

And now this news brief.

Former local man, Steven Rhoades, is being sought by authorities...

...For his theft of the egg of a nearly extinct species of hawk.

He's believed to be insane and dangerous.

If you see him, call the police immediately.

- Go chase yourself. - Hey, we--

We're Bundys.

We don't call cops.

- People call them on us. - That's right, baby.

There's a $10,000 reward for information leading to his arrest.

Now, wait a second now. Hold it now.

Hold it now. Get off me here. Careful.

Wait a second. Wait a second now!

Family...

...Have we forgotten our principles?

Is $10,000 more important to us than a friend?

- Damn right. - Get out of here.

Get back, away from the phone.

Al. This is $10,000.

Now, I know in the shoe business $10,000 is like Bigfoot.

People claim to have seen it, but no one's actually laid their hands on it.

Do you know what we could do with this money?

Doesn't matter.

Family, gather around me.

Gather around.

Now, do you know why we shouldn't turn Steve in?

Because we already have so much?

No.

We should not turn Steve in because the authorities want us to turn Steve in.

Now I say we should all form a united Bundy front against authority.

Can I get a "Whoa, united Bundy front against authority"?

Whoa, united Bundy front against authority.

The only thing that's important here...

...Is the fact that we care about Steve.

We should always-- What?

Hello, police. This is an emergency.

Hey, you canaries.

- So I see you can't be trusted. - Oh, Al, it's $10,000.

I don't care. Nobody here calls the cops while I'm still alive.

What's this?

Oh, I thought you might be thirsty, so I fixed you some nice Tang.

Tang don't smoke.

Well, Daddy, it's the new and improved smoking Tang...

...Chocked-full of vitamins and ministers.

Bottoms up, Dad.

Hi, I just came to talk to Steve.

Really?

Well, then why isn't Jefferson with you?

I thought he wouldn't leave your side with Steve hanging around.

Jefferson is a mature human being...

...Fully secure in his masculinity.

Steve, I wanna talk to you.

Marcie...

...I see you dumped the pretty wrapping for the total package.

Steve, I've got something to say.

Last night things were said in the heat of the moment...

...And I may have hurt your feelings.

- I've already forgotten that. - No, let me remind you.

Look at this and see what you'll never have again!

Peg, I'm blind. I saw it again and it's all darkness.

Well, here, honey, drink this.

That's right.

What you see is what you don't get.

So drool on, dream on, move on.

Marcie.

Oh, that's what I wanted to hear.

Oh, I knew you loved me.

Now tell me who looks the fool.

Come on, honey.

Why are you wet?

Oh, it's not what you think, it's just dog pee.

You know, I have lived here my whole life...

...And I never knew that our bush could talk.

Well, Kel, I'm sure our bushes felt the same way about you.

Well, now I know it's truly over.

The Marcie I married would never have beaten around with that bush.

But whenever I start to feel this way...

...I'm reminded of an old Ute saying.

That means when you see the tepee rocking...

...Don't come a-knocking.

But I'll tell you this:

When you look at the big picture...

...The only thing that really counts is friendship.

FBI, nobody move.

Traitors. Judases.

You turned me in. Well, I put a Ute curse on you all.

Now there's no chance of getting that reward.

Mom, I think I can help.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, you FBI guys.

We hid him out. Don't we deserve something for that?

Yes, according to the law, you do.

Cuff them, boys.

Go easy on the big guy.

He played high school football for our country.

Well, see, Daddy, now thanks to me, we're gonna get our reward.

Sweetheart, my reward was the day you were born.

Just give me--!

Hey, wait a minute.

We didn't turn him in.

Who could have done this?

And so ends another episode of Buck Bundy ...

...Environmentally correct briard.

If you should witness a crime against Mother Nature...

...Don't be afraid to call your dog.

It's not just a good idea...

...It's the law.