Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,555
As God is my witness...
2
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:31,525
...I will never drive anyone in
this family anyplace ever again.
3
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,427
All I get from you are complaints.
4
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:37,131
I think you kids are nuts.
I didn't think it was scary.
5
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,544
Get some glasses, Dad.
6
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,615
For the thousandth time,
I do not need glasses.
7
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,350
You're overreacting. Ask anyone.
8
00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,452
Fine. Buck?
9
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,496
I'm telling you,
I do not need glasses.
10
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:12,299
My vision was checked
in the fourth grade and it's perfect.
11
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,902
Then how come you missed that big sign?
12
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:18,005
One sign. "Bridge and Zere Street."
13
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:21,408
No, that was "bridge ends here," Dad.
14
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,613
Daddy, I have never been
so scared in my life.
15
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,047
I thought I was gonna die.
16
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:29,850
Worse than that, I thought
I was gonna die with my family.
17
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,886
How uncool is that?
18
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:34,054
We didn't go all the way into the river.
19
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,091
Close enough to hear the fish hacking.
20
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:40,694
Come on, Daddy, why don't you just
break down and get some glasses.
21
00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:44,932
I mean, what are you afraid of? All it
says is that you're blind and old.
22
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,501
Dad's not old.
23
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,104
I mean, he can still do everything
he used to.
24
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,572
See him sitting there?
25
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:55,509
Just like when we were babies.
Way to go, Dad.
26
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478
And it never occurred to anyone here...
27
00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:00,781
...That I read "bridge ends here"
just fine and floored it anyway?
28
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:05,619
Now, I'm going to prove my prowess
by reading TV Guide.
29
00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:13,627
"TV Guide ."
30
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,465
There. Any more doubters?
31
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:19,767
Who's on the cover?
32
00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:27,374
Raymond Burr.
33
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,911
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
34
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:36,884
Raymond Burr, Delta Burke.
35
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,853
Tell me I'm the first one
to make that mistake.
36
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,823
- Well...
- Yeah.
37
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:46,961
Now, where's my remote control?
38
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,502
Glasses, eh?
39
00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:01,375
What the hell's wrong with this thing now?
40
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:08,215
You know, it doesn't seem right
making fun of Dad without Mom.
41
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:12,219
Well, she was in a food coma when
we left, so she should be awake soon.
42
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,922
I'm hungry.
43
00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:17,257
Yep, right on time.
44
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:21,228
Well, I guess it's time
for a trip on down to Cake and Cow.
45
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:26,500
Damn remote. Kids, get me
some batteries while you're out.
46
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,171
Hey, is...
47
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,911
Is--? Is Al busy?
48
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,648
He's been spending a lot of time
thinking about...
49
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,850
...Man's ultimate place in the universe.
50
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,461
He must be on a break.
51
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,997
Hi, Al. I'm sorry to bother you.
52
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,566
I thought maybe we'd catch
a ball game or something.
53
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,769
I'm not allowed to watch sports at home.
54
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,805
Marcie feels it's a bad influence
on the fetus.
55
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:08,075
- What's she watching?
- Chippendales video.
56
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:14,682
There we go, sports.
Good old American entertainment.
57
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,884
The problem with women
is they'll watch anything.
58
00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:18,385
- Yeah.
- We're more selective.
59
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,220
- Right. Who's playing?
- I don't know.
60
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,156
All right.
61
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:26,560
We'll be right back with our Cuban
Little League game of the week.
62
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,029
This could be good.
63
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,432
And don't forget to order
our sports bloopers...
64
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:34,902
...That weren't funny enough to make
it on the 20 other tapes we sell.
65
00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:37,604
And now let's have our sports quiz
for the day.
66
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,974
And the first caller with
the correct answer wins $100.
67
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:44,078
A hundred bucks?
Hey, Al, you know a lot about sports.
68
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:48,816
Maybe you could win the hundred
and buy yourself a newer Dodge.
69
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,953
No chance.
These questions are so obscure...
70
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,723
...You have to have no life
whatsoever to get the answer.
71
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,525
Who played center field
for the Chicago White Sox...
72
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,127
...In the '59 World Series?
73
00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:02,229
Jim Landis. I know that.
That's Jim Landis.
74
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,199
The number is on the bottom of your screen.
75
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:11,105
- "One-nine-oh-oh-- Five-five--"
- What's the matter, Al?
76
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,107
- Can't you see that?
- Yes, I can see it.
77
00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,442
There's too many damn numbers there.
78
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,479
Nine-five-five...
79
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,550
Hello. Jim Landis.
80
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,353
No, I'm not Jim Landis.
I'm answering the question.
81
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,888
Jim Landis.
82
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,991
What do you mean fish?
Fish didn't play center field.
83
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,694
Fish was a spin-off on Barney Miller.
84
00:06:35,129 --> 00:06:38,332
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Why would I call a fish store?
85
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,602
- I think you got the wrong number.
- No, I didn't.
86
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:45,339
I saw those numbers just as plain
as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
87
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,041
That's Fidel Castro.
88
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,178
That's an honest mistake.
89
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:54,214
Nobody's answered our question yet.
Someone should know this.
90
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,384
We're gonna flash the number one more time.
91
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:03,891
- Got it.
- Jim Landis.
92
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:07,194
Hold everything. We've got a winner.
93
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:10,330
- My name? Jefferson D'Arcy.
- That's my money.
94
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:14,334
I'm sorry, Al, you gotta be quicker.
It's a young man's world.
95
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,352
Daddy, what happened to our door?
96
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,689
A young man went through it.
97
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,197
Daddy, what are you doing?
98
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,233
What does it look like, honey?
I'm watching TV.
99
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,468
Turn it off for a second.
I wanna talk to you.
100
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,771
The sports question is about to come on.
101
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,040
This will only take a minute.
102
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,711
Now, I wanna talk to you about glasses.
103
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,613
I don't need glasses.
104
00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:03,550
No, Daddy, you do not want glasses.
And I know why.
105
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,986
You don't want glasses because you're vain.
106
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:09,323
Because you're feeling old and ugly.
107
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:15,662
You don't want to be called
a four-eyes, a geek, an owl boy...
108
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:20,267
...Professor, dorko,
Poindexter, Magoo...
109
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,303
- Let's see, what else?
- Goofus.
110
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,373
No, that's more if your ears stick out.
You know...
111
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,209
Go away.
112
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,412
I'm not done yet, Dad.
113
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:37,284
Now, let me tell you a little story about
a boy I used to date in the fourth grade.
114
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:38,919
He was very handsome.
115
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,055
A tight little butt, big blue bedroom eyes.
116
00:08:42,256 --> 00:08:44,191
This was in the fourth grade?
117
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,027
Well, he was left back a year.
118
00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:50,297
Hey, Dad, who played for the Celtics...
119
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:52,399
...Called the best sixth man in basketball?
120
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,468
- Frank Ramsey.
- Thanks, Dad.
121
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,070
Go ahead, pumpkin.
122
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,740
Anyway, this guy was great.
123
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,476
He was the most popular boy in the school.
124
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,779
- And then one day, he got glasses.
- And you liked him anyway.
125
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:09,016
God, no, I dumped him right away.
126
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:12,519
He looked like an idiot with glasses.
Everybody laughed at him.
127
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,121
Ruined his life.
128
00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:17,457
I think he ended up in an institution
or something.
129
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,461
It's a sad story, I guess.
I don't know.
130
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:29,536
- Is there a point to all this?
- Yes, there is.
131
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,472
Now, if a guy who had everything
to live for got glasses...
132
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,876
...Then there is certainly
no reason for you not to.
133
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:42,049
For to see is more important than to be.
134
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,760
You're never leaving home, are you?
135
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,930
I don't think so.
136
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,600
We have a winner.
137
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,703
The answer to our quiz was Frank Ramsey.
138
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,306
Congratulations today's winner,
Bud Bundy.
139
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:18,719
Well, let's go out
and get old Dad some glasses.
140
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,153
What for?
141
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:24,124
So I can see the expression
on your face when I'm choking you.
142
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,308
- I can't.
- No, you do have to.
143
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,143
I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
144
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:48,582
Relax, Dad. You know,
plenty of cool guys wear glasses.
145
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,184
I'm Wally.
146
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,926
Please don't want me, I'm married.
147
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,130
Good, then there's hope for my brother.
148
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,566
Now, Daddy, show him your prescription.
149
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:16,910
Can you see me?
150
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,079
Just give me some glasses.
151
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:21,381
Of course, sir.
152
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:27,087
You just go through our veritable
myriad of hip and trendy frames.
153
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:31,224
Mine, for instance,
are from our Casanova line.
154
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:37,230
You know, I get more chicks
than my friend who's a dry cleaner.
155
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,769
Kids, listen. I need some help
picking out my frames.
156
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:46,173
I'm afraid I may not know
what cool is anymore.
157
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,742
You lie.
158
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:54,815
I mean, the shirt, the pants and those shoes.
159
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,751
Now surely, those are no accident.
160
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:02,956
No, no, on clothes I'm confident,
but I need help with the glasses.
161
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,025
See, I'm counting on you guys to help me...
162
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,461
...Pick out something cool yet understated.
163
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,063
Count on us, big guy.
164
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,925
Buck...
165
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,864
...May I present the man
with the goo-goo-googly eyes...
166
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,233
...Specs Bundy.
167
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:03,910
I can't believe how cool
I look, eh, kids?
168
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,214
Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel?
169
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,350
This is how the young Redenbachers must feel.
170
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,119
Hey kids, watch this.
171
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,121
TV Guide, s'il vous plaît.
172
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:23,763
There he is, big as life,
Raymond Burr.
173
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:26,366
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
174
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,737
Delta Burke, Raymond Burr,
city of Seattle. What's the difference?
175
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,041
Now, who wants to take a ride
with Daddy in the car...
176
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,178
...And read some billboards
from very long distance?
177
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:42,382
Wow, you mean a chance to cruise
in the dad-mobile?
178
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,551
Listen, Dad, if we pick up on some chicks...
179
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:50,023
...Will you put your sunglasses on
and say, "You is one fine woman"?
180
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:55,128
Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy, but only if
we can cruise by some of my friends...
181
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,664
...And you stick out your teeth
like a horse and go:
182
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,600
"Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad."
183
00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:11,244
So you're suddenly ashamed
to be seen with old Dad, huh?
184
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,613
Well, I wouldn't say suddenly.
185
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,017
You know, you people reek.
186
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:20,987
What's bothering you is not that
I have glasses, but that I'm happy.
187
00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:22,956
Well, get ready for a life of misery...
188
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:26,459
...Because I shall continue to be happy
with my new twenty-twenty vision.
189
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,828
Now, I'm about to go out...
190
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:32,999
...And partake of some of the beauty
which our fair city affords us.
191
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:37,470
If you need me,
I'll be at the nudie bar.
192
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,281
Yeah, babe, well, I guess old Grandmaster B...
193
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,784
...Can fit you into his schedule.
194
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,890
Let's see, how's Friday at nine?
195
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,592
Well, ten's okay too.
196
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,595
Well, look, it doesn't have to be Friday.
197
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,668
Well, then it's settled.
I'll call you again.
198
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,537
Well--
199
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,041
Well, do you have any idea when
hell is supposed to freeze over?
200
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,944
Hello?
201
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,751
There, there, Cross-dresser B.
202
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:31,658
Real close, Kel. It's Grandmaster B.
203
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:35,295
I didn't mean to insult you,
Grandpappy B...
204
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:37,764
...But I do have something
that might cheer you up.
205
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,434
You make customer of the week
at the free clinic again?
206
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,975
You're quite a jester, Bell-ringer B.
207
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,213
Anyhow, I was doing a little research--
208
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:56,683
Well, actually I was talking to
the girls about how ugly you are.
209
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,952
--And it came to light that Mother Nature...
210
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,755
...Has yet to play its cruelest joke on you.
211
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:04,691
Now, we knew, way back when,
when you were a baby...
212
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,161
...That you'd be like Dad
and be bald when you're 20.
213
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:09,829
But guess what.
214
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:13,800
Odds are you'll be blind
and need glasses too.
215
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,403
Now, just so you're not surprised
when this happens...
216
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:20,140
...We worked up a little
computer composite of you at 30.
217
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:30,517
You know, Kel,
I'd draw a picture of you at 25...
218
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,420
...But I don't have
a large enough piece of paper.
219
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,929
Thank God, Dad's home. That should
end the cruelty in this house.
220
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:45,532
How's it going, bottles?
221
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,970
You know, kids, eyesight is a curse.
222
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:53,206
You can see everything.
223
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:58,411
My car, for instance. Have you ever
noticed how ugly Daddy's car is?
224
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,648
Well, you gotta catch it on the right day.
225
00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:04,250
You know, the sun glinting off the rust...
226
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:08,354
...The cloth that you use as a gas cap
flapping gently in the wind...
227
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,658
...As it's being proudly towed
towards its destination.
228
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,696
Yeah, well, try to explain my job.
229
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,364
Now let me tell you something...
230
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,601
...People who work putting shoes
on fat women who wear dresses...
231
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,337
...Should not have twenty-twenty vision.
232
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,111
I saw things on human legs today...
233
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,882
...That would have put a white flag
in Schwarzkopf's hand.
234
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,620
- And you know the worst part?
- You actually saw your paycheck?
235
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:47,894
Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back,
because it just can't be right.
236
00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:50,830
Anyhow, every day at 3:00...
237
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,299
...I see this girl that works
at the aerobics shop.
238
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,602
You know, she flirts with me,
I flirt with her.
239
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:58,004
It's nothing, but it gets
you through the day.
240
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:02,242
Anyway, I always thought she was
pretty, but today I saw her...
241
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,511
...And she's 40.
242
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,915
I mean, 40. I mean, she's old.
243
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,850
But Dad, you're over 40.
244
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:14,053
Yeah, but I'm a guy,
so it's totally different, I mean...
245
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:21,027
No, I mean, I can't believe it.
She's not a girl. She's a woman.
246
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:23,129
Well, did she like your new glasses?
247
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:26,299
Well, what the hell do I care
what a 40-year-old woman thinks?
248
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,336
Then I come home.
249
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:34,707
Home? I mean, look at this place.
250
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:38,778
Look at that furniture, look--
Look at that table.
251
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,751
What the hell is this?
252
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,258
That-- That's Mom, Dad.
253
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:55,295
Oh, this is just too much.
254
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,635
And look at me.
255
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:06,906
I got wrinkles.
Now, I never saw those before.
256
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,876
What happened to the top of my head?
257
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:17,550
I'm an old man.
258
00:20:17,951 --> 00:20:20,753
My life is really over.
259
00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:25,251
There.
260
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:28,154
I feel better already.
261
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:30,757
Al Bundy's back.
262
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:38,765
Where's my remote control?
263
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,308
You know, kids, this is a lesson.
264
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,411
Now, I may not see too well.
265
00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:55,415
I may kill a few people on the streets
and occasionally drive into a river...
266
00:21:55,782 --> 00:21:58,384
...But it's better than looking stupid.
267
00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:00,053
You know something?
268
00:22:00,219 --> 00:22:02,588
I feel younger already.
269
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:12,398
I didn't think there was this much
action on Designing Women.
21620
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.