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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,555 As God is my witness... 2 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:31,525 ...I will never drive anyone in this family anyplace ever again. 3 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,427 All I get from you are complaints. 4 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:37,131 I think you kids are nuts. I didn't think it was scary. 5 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,544 Get some glasses, Dad. 6 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,615 For the thousandth time, I do not need glasses. 7 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,350 You're overreacting. Ask anyone. 8 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,452 Fine. Buck? 9 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,496 I'm telling you, I do not need glasses. 10 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:12,299 My vision was checked in the fourth grade and it's perfect. 11 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,902 Then how come you missed that big sign? 12 00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:18,005 One sign. "Bridge and Zere Street." 13 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:21,408 No, that was "bridge ends here," Dad. 14 00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,613 Daddy, I have never been so scared in my life. 15 00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,047 I thought I was gonna die. 16 00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:29,850 Worse than that, I thought I was gonna die with my family. 17 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,886 How uncool is that? 18 00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:34,054 We didn't go all the way into the river. 19 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,091 Close enough to hear the fish hacking. 20 00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:40,694 Come on, Daddy, why don't you just break down and get some glasses. 21 00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:44,932 I mean, what are you afraid of? All it says is that you're blind and old. 22 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,501 Dad's not old. 23 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,104 I mean, he can still do everything he used to. 24 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,572 See him sitting there? 25 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:55,509 Just like when we were babies. Way to go, Dad. 26 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478 And it never occurred to anyone here... 27 00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:00,781 ...That I read "bridge ends here" just fine and floored it anyway? 28 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:05,619 Now, I'm going to prove my prowess by reading TV Guide. 29 00:03:11,926 --> 00:03:13,627 "TV Guide ." 30 00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,465 There. Any more doubters? 31 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:19,767 Who's on the cover? 32 00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:27,374 Raymond Burr. 33 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,911 It's Delta Burke, Dad. 34 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:36,884 Raymond Burr, Delta Burke. 35 00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,853 Tell me I'm the first one to make that mistake. 36 00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,823 - Well... - Yeah. 37 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:46,961 Now, where's my remote control? 38 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,502 Glasses, eh? 39 00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:01,375 What the hell's wrong with this thing now? 40 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:08,215 You know, it doesn't seem right making fun of Dad without Mom. 41 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:12,219 Well, she was in a food coma when we left, so she should be awake soon. 42 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,922 I'm hungry. 43 00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:17,257 Yep, right on time. 44 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:21,228 Well, I guess it's time for a trip on down to Cake and Cow. 45 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:26,500 Damn remote. Kids, get me some batteries while you're out. 46 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,171 Hey, is... 47 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,911 Is--? Is Al busy? 48 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,648 He's been spending a lot of time thinking about... 49 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,850 ...Man's ultimate place in the universe. 50 00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,461 He must be on a break. 51 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,997 Hi, Al. I'm sorry to bother you. 52 00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,566 I thought maybe we'd catch a ball game or something. 53 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,769 I'm not allowed to watch sports at home. 54 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,805 Marcie feels it's a bad influence on the fetus. 55 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:08,075 - What's she watching? - Chippendales video. 56 00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:14,682 There we go, sports. Good old American entertainment. 57 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,884 The problem with women is they'll watch anything. 58 00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:18,385 - Yeah. - We're more selective. 59 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,220 - Right. Who's playing? - I don't know. 60 00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:22,156 All right. 61 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:26,560 We'll be right back with our Cuban Little League game of the week. 62 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,029 This could be good. 63 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,432 And don't forget to order our sports bloopers... 64 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:34,902 ...That weren't funny enough to make it on the 20 other tapes we sell. 65 00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:37,604 And now let's have our sports quiz for the day. 66 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,974 And the first caller with the correct answer wins $100. 67 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:44,078 A hundred bucks? Hey, Al, you know a lot about sports. 68 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:48,816 Maybe you could win the hundred and buy yourself a newer Dodge. 69 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,953 No chance. These questions are so obscure... 70 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,723 ...You have to have no life whatsoever to get the answer. 71 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,525 Who played center field for the Chicago White Sox... 72 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,127 ...In the '59 World Series? 73 00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:02,229 Jim Landis. I know that. That's Jim Landis. 74 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,199 The number is on the bottom of your screen. 75 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:11,105 - "One-nine-oh-oh-- Five-five--" - What's the matter, Al? 76 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,107 - Can't you see that? - Yes, I can see it. 77 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,442 There's too many damn numbers there. 78 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,479 Nine-five-five... 79 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,550 Hello. Jim Landis. 80 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,353 No, I'm not Jim Landis. I'm answering the question. 81 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,888 Jim Landis. 82 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,991 What do you mean fish? Fish didn't play center field. 83 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,694 Fish was a spin-off on Barney Miller. 84 00:06:35,129 --> 00:06:38,332 Oh, that's ridiculous. Why would I call a fish store? 85 00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,602 - I think you got the wrong number. - No, I didn't. 86 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:45,339 I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV. 87 00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,041 That's Fidel Castro. 88 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,178 That's an honest mistake. 89 00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:54,214 Nobody's answered our question yet. Someone should know this. 90 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,384 We're gonna flash the number one more time. 91 00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:03,891 - Got it. - Jim Landis. 92 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:07,194 Hold everything. We've got a winner. 93 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:10,330 - My name? Jefferson D'Arcy. - That's my money. 94 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:14,334 I'm sorry, Al, you gotta be quicker. It's a young man's world. 95 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,352 Daddy, what happened to our door? 96 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,689 A young man went through it. 97 00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,197 Daddy, what are you doing? 98 00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,233 What does it look like, honey? I'm watching TV. 99 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,468 Turn it off for a second. I wanna talk to you. 100 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,771 The sports question is about to come on. 101 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,040 This will only take a minute. 102 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,711 Now, I wanna talk to you about glasses. 103 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,613 I don't need glasses. 104 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:03,550 No, Daddy, you do not want glasses. And I know why. 105 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,986 You don't want glasses because you're vain. 106 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:09,323 Because you're feeling old and ugly. 107 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:15,662 You don't want to be called a four-eyes, a geek, an owl boy... 108 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:20,267 ...Professor, dorko, Poindexter, Magoo... 109 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,303 - Let's see, what else? - Goofus. 110 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,373 No, that's more if your ears stick out. You know... 111 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:29,209 Go away. 112 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,412 I'm not done yet, Dad. 113 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:37,284 Now, let me tell you a little story about a boy I used to date in the fourth grade. 114 00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:38,919 He was very handsome. 115 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,055 A tight little butt, big blue bedroom eyes. 116 00:08:42,256 --> 00:08:44,191 This was in the fourth grade? 117 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,027 Well, he was left back a year. 118 00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:50,297 Hey, Dad, who played for the Celtics... 119 00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:52,399 ...Called the best sixth man in basketball? 120 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,468 - Frank Ramsey. - Thanks, Dad. 121 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,070 Go ahead, pumpkin. 122 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,740 Anyway, this guy was great. 123 00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,476 He was the most popular boy in the school. 124 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,779 - And then one day, he got glasses. - And you liked him anyway. 125 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:09,016 God, no, I dumped him right away. 126 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:12,519 He looked like an idiot with glasses. Everybody laughed at him. 127 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,121 Ruined his life. 128 00:09:14,288 --> 00:09:17,457 I think he ended up in an institution or something. 129 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,461 It's a sad story, I guess. I don't know. 130 00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:29,536 - Is there a point to all this? - Yes, there is. 131 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,472 Now, if a guy who had everything to live for got glasses... 132 00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,876 ...Then there is certainly no reason for you not to. 133 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:42,049 For to see is more important than to be. 134 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,760 You're never leaving home, are you? 135 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,930 I don't think so. 136 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,600 We have a winner. 137 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,703 The answer to our quiz was Frank Ramsey. 138 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,306 Congratulations today's winner, Bud Bundy. 139 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:18,719 Well, let's go out and get old Dad some glasses. 140 00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,153 What for? 141 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:24,124 So I can see the expression on your face when I'm choking you. 142 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,308 - I can't. - No, you do have to. 143 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,143 I don't wanna be a Poindexter. 144 00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:48,582 Relax, Dad. You know, plenty of cool guys wear glasses. 145 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,184 I'm Wally. 146 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,926 Please don't want me, I'm married. 147 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,130 Good, then there's hope for my brother. 148 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,566 Now, Daddy, show him your prescription. 149 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:16,910 Can you see me? 150 00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,079 Just give me some glasses. 151 00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:21,381 Of course, sir. 152 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:27,087 You just go through our veritable myriad of hip and trendy frames. 153 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:31,224 Mine, for instance, are from our Casanova line. 154 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:37,230 You know, I get more chicks than my friend who's a dry cleaner. 155 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,769 Kids, listen. I need some help picking out my frames. 156 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:46,173 I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore. 157 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,742 You lie. 158 00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:54,815 I mean, the shirt, the pants and those shoes. 159 00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,751 Now surely, those are no accident. 160 00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:02,956 No, no, on clothes I'm confident, but I need help with the glasses. 161 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,025 See, I'm counting on you guys to help me... 162 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,461 ...Pick out something cool yet understated. 163 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,063 Count on us, big guy. 164 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:44,925 Buck... 165 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,864 ...May I present the man with the goo-goo-googly eyes... 166 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,233 ...Specs Bundy. 167 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:03,910 I can't believe how cool I look, eh, kids? 168 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,214 Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel? 169 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,350 This is how the young Redenbachers must feel. 170 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,119 Hey kids, watch this. 171 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,121 TV Guide, s'il vous plaît. 172 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:23,763 There he is, big as life, Raymond Burr. 173 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:26,366 It's Delta Burke, Dad. 174 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,737 Delta Burke, Raymond Burr, city of Seattle. What's the difference? 175 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,041 Now, who wants to take a ride with Daddy in the car... 176 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,178 ...And read some billboards from very long distance? 177 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:42,382 Wow, you mean a chance to cruise in the dad-mobile? 178 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,551 Listen, Dad, if we pick up on some chicks... 179 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:50,023 ...Will you put your sunglasses on and say, "You is one fine woman"? 180 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:55,128 Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy, but only if we can cruise by some of my friends... 181 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,664 ...And you stick out your teeth like a horse and go: 182 00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,600 "Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad." 183 00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:11,244 So you're suddenly ashamed to be seen with old Dad, huh? 184 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,613 Well, I wouldn't say suddenly. 185 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,017 You know, you people reek. 186 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:20,987 What's bothering you is not that I have glasses, but that I'm happy. 187 00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:22,956 Well, get ready for a life of misery... 188 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:26,459 ...Because I shall continue to be happy with my new twenty-twenty vision. 189 00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,828 Now, I'm about to go out... 190 00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:32,999 ...And partake of some of the beauty which our fair city affords us. 191 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:37,470 If you need me, I'll be at the nudie bar. 192 00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:48,281 Yeah, babe, well, I guess old Grandmaster B... 193 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,784 ...Can fit you into his schedule. 194 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,890 Let's see, how's Friday at nine? 195 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,592 Well, ten's okay too. 196 00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,595 Well, look, it doesn't have to be Friday. 197 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,668 Well, then it's settled. I'll call you again. 198 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,537 Well-- 199 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,041 Well, do you have any idea when hell is supposed to freeze over? 200 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,944 Hello? 201 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,751 There, there, Cross-dresser B. 202 00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:31,658 Real close, Kel. It's Grandmaster B. 203 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:35,295 I didn't mean to insult you, Grandpappy B... 204 00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:37,764 ...But I do have something that might cheer you up. 205 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,434 You make customer of the week at the free clinic again? 206 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,975 You're quite a jester, Bell-ringer B. 207 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,213 Anyhow, I was doing a little research-- 208 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:56,683 Well, actually I was talking to the girls about how ugly you are. 209 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,952 --And it came to light that Mother Nature... 210 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,755 ...Has yet to play its cruelest joke on you. 211 00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:04,691 Now, we knew, way back when, when you were a baby... 212 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,161 ...That you'd be like Dad and be bald when you're 20. 213 00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:09,829 But guess what. 214 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:13,800 Odds are you'll be blind and need glasses too. 215 00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,403 Now, just so you're not surprised when this happens... 216 00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:20,140 ...We worked up a little computer composite of you at 30. 217 00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:30,517 You know, Kel, I'd draw a picture of you at 25... 218 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,420 ...But I don't have a large enough piece of paper. 219 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,929 Thank God, Dad's home. That should end the cruelty in this house. 220 00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:45,532 How's it going, bottles? 221 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,970 You know, kids, eyesight is a curse. 222 00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:53,206 You can see everything. 223 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:58,411 My car, for instance. Have you ever noticed how ugly Daddy's car is? 224 00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,648 Well, you gotta catch it on the right day. 225 00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:04,250 You know, the sun glinting off the rust... 226 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:08,354 ...The cloth that you use as a gas cap flapping gently in the wind... 227 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:11,658 ...As it's being proudly towed towards its destination. 228 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,696 Yeah, well, try to explain my job. 229 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,364 Now let me tell you something... 230 00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,601 ...People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses... 231 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,337 ...Should not have twenty-twenty vision. 232 00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,111 I saw things on human legs today... 233 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,882 ...That would have put a white flag in Schwarzkopf's hand. 234 00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,620 - And you know the worst part? - You actually saw your paycheck? 235 00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:47,894 Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back, because it just can't be right. 236 00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:50,830 Anyhow, every day at 3:00... 237 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,299 ...I see this girl that works at the aerobics shop. 238 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,602 You know, she flirts with me, I flirt with her. 239 00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:58,004 It's nothing, but it gets you through the day. 240 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:02,242 Anyway, I always thought she was pretty, but today I saw her... 241 00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,511 ...And she's 40. 242 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,915 I mean, 40. I mean, she's old. 243 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,850 But Dad, you're over 40. 244 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:14,053 Yeah, but I'm a guy, so it's totally different, I mean... 245 00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:21,027 No, I mean, I can't believe it. She's not a girl. She's a woman. 246 00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:23,129 Well, did she like your new glasses? 247 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:26,299 Well, what the hell do I care what a 40-year-old woman thinks? 248 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,336 Then I come home. 249 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:34,707 Home? I mean, look at this place. 250 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:38,778 Look at that furniture, look-- Look at that table. 251 00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,751 What the hell is this? 252 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,258 That-- That's Mom, Dad. 253 00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:55,295 Oh, this is just too much. 254 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,635 And look at me. 255 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:06,906 I got wrinkles. Now, I never saw those before. 256 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,876 What happened to the top of my head? 257 00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:17,550 I'm an old man. 258 00:20:17,951 --> 00:20:20,753 My life is really over. 259 00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:25,251 There. 260 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:28,154 I feel better already. 261 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:30,757 Al Bundy's back. 262 00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:38,765 Where's my remote control? 263 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,308 You know, kids, this is a lesson. 264 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,411 Now, I may not see too well. 265 00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:55,415 I may kill a few people on the streets and occasionally drive into a river... 266 00:21:55,782 --> 00:21:58,384 ...But it's better than looking stupid. 267 00:21:58,551 --> 00:22:00,053 You know something? 268 00:22:00,219 --> 00:22:02,588 I feel younger already. 269 00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:12,398 I didn't think there was this much action on Designing Women. 21620

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