Original subtitles

Tell you what, mate. On it has.

Thanks.

You having a party?

Nothing to do with me.

Eddie took the booking.

Reckons it's worth ten grand.

Denny boy.

Bit us off.

So this is how it is now?

Well, they got the settlement to the judge before I realized what I'd signed.

It's all in the courts now.

So until you sort it out, they're just... Here.

They're here.

All the time.

I'm going to try and brighten the place up a bit.

There's no drab in here.

Hello.

Go on then, who's dead?

Actually, I just came to say hello.

Okay, a bit weird.

I just thought recently maybe you haven't been yourself.

Whatever gave you that idea?

You know, if you ever need to speak to anyone... Didn't know you cared.

I don't.

I meant Jesus.

Come on, Eddie, let's dance.

Come on.

I'm just saying, I know how hard it must be.

There's anything I can do.

Do you know anyone that can have a man killed?

That's not funny.

I'm joking.

I'd do it myself.

¿Qué haces?

Oh, hi.

Didn't see you there. I was just reading this book.

¿Por qué me hablas en inglés?

I am meeting Angela in a bar around the corner, so I am just practicing talking

in English.

But please don't ask me about Angela. I can't tell you anything.

Okay.

She's a dental assistant from Coventry.

Big city in the UK.

She has a boyfriend, but she's thinking of leaving him.

Por ti.

No, no, no, no, no.

She's on holiday. It wouldn't last.

Although I suppose we could soon.

You like her, Jesus?

She's okay.

I met her in a bar last night and we had, um, you know... You

know?

Yes. Full text.

So now you're going to see her again and you think you might impress her if she

sees you reading a book by... Jeffrey Archer.

He is the Lord.

A Lord, I think.

A Lord.

A Lord.

Well, good luck with that.

Then... Then... Dennis.

Dennis.

I need a plug for the karaoke machine.

Did you take the batteries out of the remote?

Needs a musk, my friend.

I've decided the time is nigh for me to write my autobiography.

Chapter One.

I was born in a gypsy camp just outside of Northampton, sometime in the late

50s.

Eddie, where shall I put this cake?

Er, we'll just stick it on a bar for now.

So whose party is this?

I've told you.

Tell me again.

Just a few associates of mine.

Friends? Good people.

Oh, well, that's obviously bollocks, cos none of your associates are good people,

and you don't have any friends.

You know, cynicism will send you to an early grave.

Eddie knows these people, Dennis.

They're big drinkers.

Well, you better hope so, or I'll kick them out and open up.

So what is it, our birthday?

No, my beautiful darling, it's just a little leaving party for an old friend.

Of course, I'd never mined uranium before.

I was 15 years old.

Well, I was tall for my age.

And they never sweat the small stuff in Kazakhstan.

Why are you doing this just now?

I've received fair warning from the Reaper, my friend.

I've got to think about my legacy.

What are you, ill?

Me? I'm in peak physical condition.

But today I've witnessed something deeply disturbing.

A black dog walked backwards across my path.

Death is near.

Is that what that means?

Black dog.

Black shook.

The beats beat.

Backwards dog.

What's dog backwards?

God. God is retreating. Making space for death to choose a soul, my friend.

You sure it didn't just have worms or something?

With that it was.

So you think that death is coming for you? I didn't say that.

Could be any one of us.

But he will come.

By midnight.

Well,

as long as he buys a drink.

Okay, my darlings, I'm going to love you and leave you.

You're going out?

Just meeting up with the girls.

The girls? You've been in Benidorm a week.

You know I always make friends wherever I go.

No, no, no.

You want half the pub, you can do half the work.

Dennis? We've got a do on.

I'll get you an apron.

Stop. Please.

Stop it.

I'm sorry, darling.

Right.

They are here.

Now, who here would like to see a little magic trick?

Here we go.

I have here an honest-to-goodness one-euro coin.

You've never had an honest euro in your life. I'm placing this one-euro coin on

a table and I'm covering it with this hat.

Here's magic.

He's made his hair disappear.

What's he doing?

One of his scams, Ray.

Now, I bet any one of you good gentlemen... I can turn that coin from

heads to tails without touching that hat.

Bollocks.

Stump up or shut up.

50 notes.

I wouldn't trust you as far as right to throw you.

What's that?

I'm saying you're a decrepit old bastard, right?

Ah, yes.

Time again, my lovely.

It's all right. We're up. Save on the washing up.

Now I know why you were so keen to get your hands on this place.

It's your gateway to the Costa del Crime.

That's cynicism again.

Don't take me for a dickhead.

I've seen you putting this whole thing together on that cheap burner phone of

yours to cover your tracks.

Those men are crooks.

Dennis.

They're just businessmen.

Ray was in security, Gav made his money in car boot sales, and Ricky owns a

chain of beauty parlours.

What the shit?

Harold Shipman was a doctor?

You've filled my pub full of gangsters.

Except you haven't, there's only three of them.

Is there anyone else still to come?

Well, there you go.

Stan's here.

I suppose Stan's just an innocent hard-working bloke as well. What is he,

a cheery local ice cream man? A clown?

Do you know, I wouldn't make all this Dan Granger a clown if I were you.

Wait, wait, wait. The Dan Granger who did ten years for armed robbery?

You know him?

No. I put him away.

What are you talking about?

I was the key witness at his trial.

It was my evidence that sent him down.

What do you know?

Small world.

What does he know about me?

Nothing. I told him this was my place.

Eddie, if he recognises me, I'm a dead man walking.

He won't recognise you.

It's been 30 years.

You had that cracked tap, didn't you?

Stan, good to see you, mate. Come on in.

Sorry I'm late. I was out on the course.

No worries. No worries at all, sir.

Who's this?

This is, uh, the barman.

Denzel.

Her name's Denzel.

Like Denzel Washington?

Ah.

Nice to meet you, Denzel.

Yeah, nice place, Eddie.

Thank you, Stan. Yeah, I mean, it's not much, but it is mine, you know.

You need to go.

What?

Go on, go home. I don't need you.

It's my shift.

I'll pay for your shift. I can handle this.

No.

Don't be stupid.

Don't call me stupid. I don't want to go.

Okay, you're sacked. Get out.

What?

I'm the manager.

Eddie and Tiff are here. One of them can bid a license for you. Look, here's a

month's wages.

What's happening?

You're being sacked.

Now get out. You're trespassing.

I don't need you anymore.

What can I get you?

I'll have a larder.

Never stop worrying, do you, eh?

Kids. Oh, she's not my daughter.

I know.

We're going to need a knife.

Knife?

For the cake.

Ah, right, yeah, no problem. Knife.

Oh, come on, Denzel, you can do better than that.

There you go.

Put it down next to the cake for me, would you?

Stick it over there.

Lovely.

All ready for our big surprise, eh?

I guess Angela didn't like your book.

I felt bad for your boyfriend.

He cried a lot.

I'm sorry, Jesus.

It doesn't matter.

Do you want something to drink?

Er... OK.

Denny boy, come and join us.

I think I might be in a bit of trouble here.

It walks amongst us.

Where's this guest of honour?

Only way to see off Beelzebub.

Gentlemen, custom has it, the father of the house provides the drinks.

What's this?

A gardiente, made in the finest local bathtubs.

All right.

Well, I'll drink to that. I have but one stipulation.

You match me.

Drink for drink.

Are you with me? To our birthday.

Let's go then.

So I tell my father, I want to be a cop.

He says, Jesus, are you sure? You didn't grow up well when you were little.

You weigh less than 60 kilos.

But there you have it. I got the best grades in the police academy.

Who's laughing now?

What's your father doing?

He's the chief of police.

Ah, now I get it.

What do you get?

Nothing.

You beautiful people.

I won't interrupt.

Phase of the day.

Maybe. Mind if I join you?

Yes.

Right.

I'm not having this.

There's not a chance here now you're turning that coin over without moving

that hat.

Ooh.

Ooh.

We have a buy.

I accept your bet.

Could we clear the table, please?

What's going on?

Eddie's taking Gab's bet.

What?

All right, then.

Behold!

Well, that's that, isn't it?

Check yourself.

Heads.

Tails. And I never touched the app.

Yeah, yeah. All right, I thought we was going to do some karaoke.

Yeah, good idea. You start.

Well, Stan, I was going to do a ballad. I mean, Ricky should start. He's going

to do Dancing Queen. No, you start.

All right, Stan.

Yeah, I'll start.

Bit of a bad, innit?

Sending him up first on his tod.

This should duet with someone.

Yeah, that's a good point, Gav.

Oi, Denzel!

You can sing with Eddie.

Gee, no.

That moderate.

That's the idea, isn't it?

I'm going for a flash.

You go any bed with snakes, you know that?

Well, no, Dan, I go any bed with your wife.

I feel it in my fingers.

I feel it in my tone.

Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows.

It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go.

Big one?

Little one. Oh, that's a big one.

They called it the marriage wrecker.

CID. I mean, the hours that he worked, it's no surprise.

I did love him, though.

I still do love him.

And Carla does, I know she does.

Carla?

Our daughter.

Did he not tell you about her?

You know, you're kind of intruding.

You know, I never would have put someone like you with someone like him.

I'm not with him.

Not yet.

Ooh. Okay, I'm going.

Oh, no, where are you going? Don't go back to the pub, darling.

Why?

Well, them blokes, they're a bit, you know, touchy.

The party?

Yeah, you know.

Eddie doesn't always move in the best of circles.

I mean, Stan, he's a piece of work. He's done time.

As soon as he finds out Eddie's got this pub, he is all over him.

Books his leaving due.

Nah.

Something is going on, I reckon.

I can't see straight.

I think I need some patatas, brother.

Do you want some patatas, brother?

I'm going to get some patatas.

That's why he wanted me out.

So we go to another bar, then maybe dinner, and talk about what to do.

Call Maria. I think Dennis is in danger. The worst thing we could do is

overreact. I think everything is probably fine.

He's really fine.

Oh, my God. There's a body.

Dennis, what happened?

I was stupid.

You did it.

No, he didn't.

You didn't, did you?

No.

You know we need to call it in.

It's right.

This is a crime scene.

Can I just tell my date first?

Okay. What happened?

They made me sing.

If you really love me, come on and let it show.

Whoa.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Anyone got 50p for the meter?

Everyone stay where they are.

It's probably just a fuse I'll check.

I said stay where you are.

What was that?

I swear, don't try anything with me.

Eddie.

The snake is drained.

You were next to him, but you didn't see who killed him?

It was pitch black.

What's going on?

Eddie! Don't touch him!

Okay, Nadine, nothing to see here.

That doesn't really work in this context, Jesus.

What did you do? He didn't do anything.

You've done it, you shit! You've done it! I never thought... He said he'd kill

him.

The day that he was sacked, he pinned Eddie against the wall.

He said he'd kill him.

We have to let Dennis tell his story.

What happened after the lights came on?

Who was this?

Me. Why?

I just like the song.

No, I meant who killed Eddie.

Oh, right.

I want to put some kids in real time.

Blood's a bugger to get out.

Look, I don't know who you are or why

any of you would want to kill Eddie. It's none of my business.

But I am not cleaning up your mess.

Who says it's our mess?

You were standing next to him. You were next to the knife? All right, all right,

that's enough of that. Obviously there's been some sort of beef.

Singing blew a fuse. Someone's taking a chance to do him in with a light set.

Well, let me tell you something now. That is not okay!

Now, we've got a problem to deal with. We're going to sort it out between us.

Why don't I just leave you the keys, help yourself to your toy steed? No, no,

you don't.

You're going to help me.

I can't help you. Of course you can.

Little picture of you behind the bar. You used to be a copper, didn't you?

Someone's committed a crime, Denzel.

You can help us solve it.

Honestly, I was just a traffic cop.

I can't help you unless any of you deserve a speeding ticket.

But seriously, we take care of him.

I'll cover your slate, your square with a house. As far as I'm concerned, you

were never here.

But that's not justice, is it?

See, I believe if you do wrong by your fellow man, then you need to pay for it.

Only then can you be square with the house.

All right.

If I work this out, my word is final. Your word is final.

You can be judge and jury, and I'll be executioner.

That's enough!

Shut up!

I'm sick of people taking liberties!

I don't know what happened here, but really, did it matter?

Because you're all sick of thieves and I'm the only witness.

I'm pretty sure if I find out who did this, I'm not getting out of here alive

anyway. Oh, no, no, no, no, my friend. You misunderstood.

See, the only way you're getting out of here alive is if you find out who did

this.

What did he say?

Denzel's going to find out who stabbed Eddie and Stan's going to kill him.

Oh, right.

Probably should get another round doing it anyway, eh?

I said they were dodgy.

So did you serve it?

You worked out who killed Eddie?

Of course you did.

You did, right?

Right.

These two are me and Eddie.

This is Ray, Ricky, Stan, and... him.

Gav. I'm Gav O'Grady, the car boot king.

Which one's me?

The tomato juice.

But tomatoes give me gas.

Everything gives you gas, Ray. You pretty much breathe out your arse.

Better than talking out of it.

Look, you don't have to drink it. It's just a demonstration.

Hold up, hold up. Who's the ginger beer?

You are. What you trying to say, eh? Eh?

I'm not ginger beer, Mike. We're the ginger beer. Well, why am I the ginger

beer? If the shoe fits.

Right, right. Me and Eddie are the apple juice.

Ray is the lemonade.

Ricky's the ginger beer, Stan's the tonic, and what's his name's the tomato

juice. You're doing this on purpose.

Now, this is where you're aware before the lights went out. I just need to

remember the order of what happened.

I need a pint.

Right.

Before the lights went out...

Ray said, I'm going for a slash.

Gav was shining the laser pen on Eddie.

Then the lights went out and Eddie said, Anyone got 50p for the meter?

And then what?

That's right.

Ricky said, Everyone stay where they are.

But the sound, the sound was...

Coming from further away.

And I said... That was probably just a fusel check.

I said, stay where you are!

All the while, the laser pen is still on Eddie, still alive.

What was that?

And then... What's that sound?

I swear, don't try anything with me.

And you're all back in your seats.

Hurry up, Kojak.

Actually, if we're talking TV detectives, this is much more of a

Columbo kind of a case.

You're the expert, are you?

No.

But I know one.

Can we get a move on?

Here we go.

Oh, come on, enlighten us. Who killed Eddie?

You all did.

Oh, is that so?

Yes, that is so.

You see, it can't just have been a fuse that went. That would have only shorted

some of the power.

To cut everything off, someone had to hit the main breaker in the fuse box in

the back room. That could only have been Ray.

Ray never went to the toilet. He used his walking stick to trip the breaker

above the back door.

But then he dropped his stick.

Ricky is further away when he said... Everyone stay where they are.

Because he's getting the knife.

Picking it up, using the pocket square that was in his jacket before the lights

went off but was missing after they came back on again.

But he doesn't use the knife, he gives it to Stan.

But before Stan takes it, he puts his golf glove on.

Then he comes up to the front and sticks the knife in Eddie.

And he knows exactly where Eddie is in the dark because Gav's kept a laser pen

on throughout the whole thing.

And you know all that, do you?

It's the only theory that makes sense.

See, I know where Gav was because the laser pen didn't move.

Ray was out by the toilet. There's no way he's getting over there in that

time.

What did you say?

He's saying you're the crappy old bastard, Ray.

Could have been Ricky.

Could have.

Except he's wearing some pretty pungent aftershave tonight.

He comes within a five-meter radius.

You're getting a noseful of Paco Rabanne.

It's aqua de palma.

So, yeah, I do know that.

You asked me to work out who killed Eddie. Well, there you go.

You did.

But everyone else was involved.

Bravo. The man with all the answers.

Not all the answers.

Still doesn't make sense to me.

Eddie got on everyone's hips.

Yeah, not why you'd kill him, but why you'd go through this whole pantomime to

do it. Oh, it's not no pantomime, son.

Oh, yes, it is.

Sorry.

This is a goodbye party.

You really thought I didn't know who you was, Dennis.

Yeah, funny that.

Funny how you tend to remember someone who sent you to jail for the best years

of your life, innit?

So why's Eddie dead and not me?

Why does he spend the last hour solving his murder?

After I got out of Wandsworth, I went looking for you, but you disappeared.

And Eddie tells me about this place.

Tells me all about you.

It was like a gift.

Our party just felt right.

You must be wondering when our guest of honour's arriving.

He's been here all along.

It's you, Dennis.

This is your leaving party.

And where am I going?

To jail.

You know I have to call it in.

He's not finished.

Rosa, let them do their job. You're not going to jail for this. I was there. I

saw them.

I'm sorry, kid.

They did a proper job on me.

Maybe I did need you after all.

There's still time. Tell me what happened.

What am I going to jail for?

For killing Eddie.

I'll call me an old romantic, but it just felt like poetic justice that the

last case you ever worked was the one that sent you down.

Just like you sent me down.

No, no, no. You killed Eddie. All of you killed Eddie.

Well, how could we?

We were never here.

What's this? What's happening?

You work as many jobs as we have.

You get pretty good at not leaving any evidence behind.

Dan, good to see you, mate. Come on in.

You see, no DNA.

No fingerprints.

Same again, my lovely.

Oh, it's all right, sweetheart.

Save on the washing up.

Everything we touched here comes with us.

When the old bill comes here, they'll find a knife sticking out the bloke who

stole your wife from pub, and only your prints will be on it.

There you go.

Put it down next to the cake for me, would you?

It's not just Prince that'll put you here.

I know.

Eddie only ever called us on his burner.

Witnesses. Rose, I saw you here. You got one witness to put me here. I've got 50

back in my barrel, swear blind I was with them.

Nice for your man over there, well.

He'll be lucky if he can remember his own name tomorrow. Oh, we, um, we

slipped him a little something to help him on his way.

Are you with me?

To our birthday?

It's good.

As I said,

we were never here.

That's it.

We're done.

at you, trying to work a way out of it.

I suppose you could get rid of the body, but you know, that'll only make things

worse for you.

Why don't you just shoot me?

A few weeks behind bars, and you'll wish I had.

But, I want you to suffer how I suffered.

Any case,

It's not a real gun.

And now, hey, I'm square with the house, Denzel.

I walked right into it.

Stand and thought of everything.

Do what you got to do.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

No, stop!

You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say may be taken down

against you.

Nothing, they're mine.

Looks like I might be busy for a bit.

Don't suppose you want your job back?

You'll be back tomorrow. They cannot keep you there.

Just don't let her ruin the place.

Take him outside.

If it makes a difference, I don't think you kill him.

Thanks, Jesus.

It doesn't.

Just so you know, I do not work for you. I work for Dennis. And if you try to

tell me what to do, you will regret it.

I never wanted this place, my darling. I never wanted any of this.

Why aren't you stopping me? You cannot think he did this.

I know he hasn't been in a good place recently.

And he said something about killing Eddie.

I can't just forget I know that.

I'm sorry, Rosa.

I don't want to think that Dennis did this.

But we have to be open to the fact he might.