Original subtitles

"Ballmastrz."

♪♪

Whoa!

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams in slow motion ]

Aah!

[ Laughs ]

Aah!

Duleena: Nobody believed me, but I called it!

Preggo!

She put a lot of bad things in her body.

I hope the baby is healthy.

I'm thinking more like a flipper baby territory,

you know what I mean? No offense, Flip.

I hope it is a flipper baby!

I'll be the perfect role model-slash-uncle-slash-sensei

to the cutest little bastard love child ever!

You can all bite me!

Aah!

Showtime!

I just flew in from Ulsa Guerin and, boy, are my arms tired.

Humdinger!

[ All scream ]

[ Belches ] What a dog I got.

He found out we both look alike, so he killed himself.

There's tiny mutant baby head sticking out of my stomach,

and it's talking!

That is no baby, and this is a job for Flip Champion!

The most taboo sexually-transmitted disease

known to the Consortium, contracted

and spread by engaging in only the most vile,

disgusting sexual acts imaginable!

Scientific name, blatio verruca morbis.

Street slang, the blab because its tiny,

repulsive mutant baby head won't stop blabbing!

But it's no match for the purity-injecting

cleansing power of my naval needle!

Behold, Umbilicus!

I mean, they've got a point.

I'd double-bag it before going near that thing.

Double-bag it!

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."

I went over, nobody was home!

Hee-haw!

Oh, great, another mouth to feed.

Yeah, yeah, yowza!

I'm so ugly, my mommy used to feed me with a slingshot!

Hoo-ah!

Mommy, mommy! I want my mommy!

Oh, this is horrible!

Oh, gee, you think?

Yes. Don't you guys remember what tomorrow is?

All: No!

Gaz has a live holotube interview with Obah Wexley.

The Obah Wexley?

Ooh, I love Obah!

Obah has the number one talk show on the holotube.

When she gets behind a team, great things happen!

Don't fuck it up, Gaz!

It's only our biggest PR moment of the season.

I ain't going anywhere with wise-cracking wart in my belly.

Your mama is so fat, her belly button

gets home 15 minutes before she does!

[ Laughs ] Somebody stop me!

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Doctor: Well, Ms. Digzy,

it seems you've been treated at our clinic before.

Previous medical conditions include

herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia...

What can I say, doc?

I had a wild rookie season. ...hepatitis A, B, and C...

Ah, these things happen. ...D through K...

Okay, that, I can explain.

...P through V through X, Y, and Z.

Rash X23, AKA the filthy drip.

Is this really necessary?

And finally,

now you've contracted blatio verruca morbis,

AKA the blab!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

All: Whoa!

Crayzar is here to save the day!

C-Man, you here to help me ditch this little bastard?

But of course.

So, you're going to laser this sucker off?

Topical ointment? Or is it pills?

I like pills.

I'm not here to get rid of it.

I'm here to tell you how to get rid of it.

All: Aw!

There is a rare and powerful root, okidirae erasio,

that grows atop the rugged Mountain of Scark!

If you can acquire the root and feed it to the blab,

the virus will shrivel up and die, curing Gaz!

[ Moans ]

That's it? Easy peasy.

Yeah, but wait for the catch because with this guy,

there's always a catch.

However, it is protected by supernatural guardians

sworn to defend the root from thieving outsiders.

Sounds like a job for Ballmaster!

Risk my neck on Scark for a skank?

Uh, no, thank you. Don't be a coward!

Think of the team for a change.

Huh?

If anyone finds out Gaz has the blab,

they might think we're all infected.

That would prevent us from getting any sweet, sweet action!

Cock blocked by a blabbering boil, ah!

The Scark for the skank!

That's the spirit.

Blab: Me-ow!

Hey, I went to look for a used car

and found my wife's dress in the backseat.

Hey-o!

♪ Oh, Danny Boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are

Ah, shut up!

Man, that root can't get here fast enough.

Maybe if we keep it busy eating, it'll stop talking.

Yeah! Stuff its face!

So you morons want to feed this thing caffeine and sugar?

Ah, where are those two?

Whoa. Finally.

What took you so long?

Hey, Scark is no Sunday stroll in the park, okay?

Ace: It was a treacherous landscape

guarded by many fearsome enemies.

What he's trying to say is that it was a total shit show.

First, we were attacked by stone giants,

but we showed him.

Ballmasters.

Then there was a big flying serpent thing that was,

like, spitting out acid venom.

Oh, and don't forget the huge man-eating plants.

Ballmasters.

Wasn't just man-eating.

They also went for balls.

Then we had to climb all the way up the --

Did you get the motherfucking root?

-Of course. -Yes.

Give me that! Eat and die, greedy little bastard.

[ Munching ]

Gaz Digzy is so ugly, when she tried to join an ugly content,

they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy-o!

Nothing's happening.

I don't understand.

[ Laughing ]

Bravo. Bravo, Leptons. You did it.

In case you haven't noticed,

there's still a talking baby head sticking out of my gut!

Patience, Digzy.

It just needs time to digest.

We don't have time for patience.

We go live in 5 minutes!

And the show must go on!

You can do it, Leptons!

I believe in you.

Just put your best foot forward.

[ Laughs ]

What are we going to do? I can't go on like this.

This kind of shame is a career-killer, even for me!

We need a plan B.

Come on, everybody, think of something.

[ Clock ticking ]

Crayzar: Put your best foot forward.

Oh.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

[ All screaming ]

Welcome to the show!

Tonight, we have a very special guest.

She's been called many things, most of them bad,

but this season, she's led a historically helpless team

to victory in a surprising string of wins.

Here she is, Gaz Digzy!

[ Laughs ] Gaz!

Obah.

So, talk to me, sister.

After some really ugly career turbulence,

what's it like being back in the limelight with the Leptons?

Oh, Obah.

You know, it's funny that you should start there because --

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Here we go.

A public execution in slow motion.

Oh, you crazy girl.

Like I said, funny.

Funny, I drinks too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it!

Hey-o! Excuse me?

Still like a little cocktail now and then to take the edge off.

But as an athlete, doesn't it affect your performance?

My performance?

Hey, I'm so bad in bed,

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me!

Brud-da-da-da-da-da-da!

That voice -- That crude, unnatural voice.

You -- you're --

Alright. Time to come clean.

That voice wasn't me.

It was Little Gaz!

I don't know what stinks worse, Leto's plan or Leto's feet.

Put your shoe back on, moron!

Hey, want to hear a song about a tortilla?

Actually, it's more of a rap.

You like watching me throw the ball, right?

Now you get to see me throw my voice.

You used to be the bad girl of the game,

and now you're playing with puppets?

It's a way to help express my darker inner conflicts

in a safe space.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Sherwood. Sherwood, who?

Gaz Digzy "sure would" like a beer!

I didn't know you were such a comedian, Gaz.

It's good to have a hobby.

♪ She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes ♪

Little Gaz wants to show you our new dance move!

I got so much energy.

I don't know what to do with it!

Little Gaz has me off drugs and high on life!

Cut, cut. Go to commercial!

[ Static crackles ]

That plan sucked, Leto.

I looked like a raving maniac on live broadcast

to the entire Consortium!

Then, can I have my sock back? Oh.

At least no one discovered the blab.

Who cares?

Gaz destroyed the studio, and it was a train wreck!

You were the one who said really sell it!

Ah, Gaz Digzy, butt of the joke yet again.

Quiet! She's back on air.

If you're just tuning in,

you missed a first on the Obah Show.

Something just took place that was unlike anything

I've ever witnessed on live holotube.

Ah, it was -- That was...

awesome!

[ Laughs ] Gaz is clearly crazy and unstable,

but who wouldn't be after a career like hers?

If her new way to deal with stress

and fame is puppets and performance

instead of drugs and alcohol, more power to her!

I look ahead with optimism to the future of Gaz Digzy

and the Leptons!

Great job, Gaz. We did it!

Alright. Time to spill, Gaz. We got to know.

Who'd you knock boots with to catch that nasty thing?

Even if I did remember, which I don't, I wouldn't tell.

That secret follows the blab to the grave.

Ah, I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous.

Everyone hasn't met me yet!

Zing! Boom shaka!

Thank you. I'll be here all night, folks.

Ah! Ergh! [ Teeth clatter ]

♪♪

♪♪

Chirp.

Rad.