Original subtitles

Dennis Dyer was the best bloody groundsman

this club has ever known,

and it was my privilege to have known him since 1992,

a time when I played the best rugby of my life.

WOMAN CLEARS HER THROAT

But today is not about that.

He leaves behind Sue.

This has knocked her for six.

I mean, you would be, wouldn't you? Drowning. Oof.

Horrible way to go.

Poor, poor dab.

Does he do many funerals, your dad?

Great, isn't he? Why are you doing that?

Open flames next to wicker. I'm a firefighter.

I can't have that.

But today is not all sad. Amongst Dennis's possessions,

Sue has unearthed home video footage

of the 1993 District Cup final

against Trefaldwyn.

Boo!

A game in which, I'm sure everyone remembers,

I scored the winning try.

Now, Rachel has set it all up for us

so we can watch it in tribute to Dennis.

MOURNERS MURMUR

Come on, Rach. HE CHUCKLES

In your own time, love.

She was here. I'll go look for her now.

What a game it was.

And what a triumph.

Still talked about to this day.

Terry, maybe talk more about Dennis

and less about yourself.

I'm just trying to lighten things up. It's not all about death!

DOOR FLIES OPEN

She's dead!

Rachel!

She's dead!

What do you mean, she's dead? She's dead.

Rachel Jenkins.

The best bloody chairperson this club has ever had.

Cause of death looks to be blunt-force trauma.

The trophy found near the body is likely the weapon.

Never held a trophy before. Always wanted one.

Josh Daniels, Back of the Year.

Is that like Rear of the Year?

Back's a rugby position.

I take a you're not a fan. Oh, no.

I'll miss these deep and meaningfuls when you're gone.

Please, no emotional goodbyes.

Anyway, I'll only be gone a year.

Mm. Just need to get this wrapped up by Friday.

Ooh...

Hello!

Laptop adaptor.

Fits with the story. She'd gone to get her laptop.

No sign of it anywhere, though.

Looks like she brought her drink with her.

Hmm. Rum and Coke. Ah, I like her style.

Reckon we'd have got on. PHONE CHIMES

Eeh... Clarke's here.

Good luck with that.

Sir! Looking sharp.

New shirt?

Mallowan.

Who's our victim, then? Rachel Jenkins, 42,

club chairwoman.

Went to get her laptop, whacked over the head.

No sign of the laptop near her body or in her office.

So, she disturbs a thief,

they whack her over the head and then leg it.

I don't know.

Seems a bit violent.

Why not just push her? Something feels off.

Yeah, well, I don't want feelings, Mallowan.

I want evidence -

ideally before you leave me high and dry.

Sir, you're being petulant. OK. I am put out.

You're my protegee. I groomed you.

Can't say that, sir.

Planted my seed in you.

Definitely can't say that, sir.

Chaudhry,

loyal, faithful Chaudhry,

what have you got for me, lovely boy?

Uh, that's the husband, Dale Jenkins,

over there. He's in shock.

I don't think we'll get much sense out of him yet.

How'd you get on with CCTV? Not good. All the cameras

except the one on the entrance

have been down the last few weeks.

Sue Dyer, the woman whose husband the service was for,

she said she thinks she might have clicked on it,

but they make it all very confusing,

and my Dennis used to...

Edited highlights is fine.

Got it.

Can I go yet? Josh Daniels.

Have you made a statement? No, but I'm late for the gym.

I need to hit my training window. I've already fuelled.

Oh, well, if you've already fuelled... No!

Chaudhry, take Mr Daniels' statement, please. This way.

There's no way this was a robbery.

Someone low enough to rob a memorial service

has the nerve to kill someone

and leaves the phone, rings and purse?

A characterful analysis.

How far you've come under my tutelage.

Now, if this is to be our last case...

Now, I've got you a little present.

Oh.

Cinema membership,

so you can watch a film every week.

Keep our film nights going on FaceTime

and gets you out the house.

Oh, it'll be nice for me.

Stop me losing me marbles!

I'm not 90, you know! But thank you very much.

It's kind of you, but, no, I'll be fine.

It's you I'm worried about.

Are you sure you're leaving for all the right reasons?

Yeah!

Need a reset. Bit of Janie time.

Do what I want, for once.

Oh, what, you mean your famed love of surfing?

I take it by your cheery mood

you haven't heard back about the audition?

No.

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Not that I'm surprised.

Fickle bloody industry.

Make a BAFTA winner self-tape an audition

and not get back to him?

Well, maybe they're just taking their time.

Oh, trust me, if you hear nothing, it invariably means a no.

Well, bollocks to them!

I'm done with television.

Let's just concentrate on the case.

Right. I'm going to interview the husband, Dale.

Firefighter.

Couldn't get much sense out of him yesterday.

I'll come with you.

Yes. I'm rather popular with firefighters.

I had a recurring role in London's Burning

in the late '90s.

Yes, homeless arsonist Benny Prince

is a tricky character

to get into the headspace of, actually.

Hmm. I doubt they'll be bothered.

I didn't mean to.

I never mean to.

One minute it's, "Can I have a box of matches, please, Mr Patel?"

And then the next, whoosh!

Thank you. Thanks.

I really ought to get back to my consultation work.

Thank you.

Er, I'm surprised you're back in work.

Needed to take my mind off it.

Yeah?

When there's a call-out, you don't get a chance

to sit around, thinking about things.

Fingers crossed for a massive fire.

Um...

Did Rachel have any worries leading up to yesterday?

I don't know.

We didn't talk much.

My night shifts, her running the club.

I think she was more into the uniform than me. But I get it.

I'm the cliche fireman hunk.

JOHN CLEARS HIS THROAT Yeah...

Um, did Rachel have any enemies?

Oh, yeah.

Modernising the club.

Starting the women's team.

People don't like change.

Someone over there even knocked her wing mirror off the other day.

A violent reaction.

Any idea who? No.

But she wasn't very popular last week.

She cancelled the women's team tour to New Zealand.

Oh, that's very interesting.

Why?

I don't know.

I don't seem to know much about her, do I?

ALARM RINGS

HE GASPS

Was there anything else?

I've always wanted to have a go on the pole,

but it's not really an appropriate time, is it?

Don't worry.

Good luck!

God, I'm covered in flipping sand from your car.

It's bad enough being into something as banal as surfing.

At least leave the beach on the beach.

Oh, don't. I need to get it deep cleaned.

I'm trading it in for a van for Portugal.

Dad thought it would be fun for us to live out on the road.

You're going to live in a van?

Yeah, like a modern camper van. Proper bougie.

Defecating into a glorified bucket.

Oh, really bougie.

You love that car. It's just a possession, OK?

Chill out. Anyway, Dad hasn't got the best credit rating,

so I said I'd take care of the wheels.

Are you sure you've really thought all this through?

Hmm? Mm-hm.

You're giving up a lot just to make one person happy.

Well, I'm making me happy.

It's only a year.

I'm not emigrating.

They'll replace you.

A new DI at your desk. Hmm?

Sitting in your chair.

One extra-hot latte macchiato and a biscotti.

Oh, lovely touch, my dear Chaudhry. Thank you.

Any update on the missing laptop?

Nope. Nothing yet.

Of little importance anyway,

now we have a proper lead.

The glaring character inconsistencies

in Rachel's actions.

If I call you a clever little boy, will you get to the point quicker?

Thank you, Miss Mallowan.

Right, now, Rachel was a fierce advocate of the team.

And yet she cancelled the big tour to New Zealand.

Why?

The captain of the women's team, Abi Michaels,

came up in a few statements over that.

She was really annoyed with Rachel.

Unsurprisingly so, my dear Chaudhry.

A bruising volte-face from a trusted advocate of the team.

Quite the perfidious betrayal, you have to agree.

Er...

Yes. Right, I'm going to interview this Abi Michaels.

All right. I'll come with you.

I've found a plan to ingratiate my way into the rugby club.

Please tell me you're going to play.

I've never seen your legs.

And you never will.

SHE LAUGHS

Abi Michaels?

DI Janie Mallowan, Mid Wales Police.

Yeah, I...

Yeah... I'm here to talk to you about Rachel.

I heard you were unhappy with her

after the New Zealand tour cancellation.

You found that out?

Wow!

Are you being sarcastic?

No, no, that's... that's really great detective work.

Well done.

Thanks.

Yeah. Uh, the tour.

The tour cancellation.

I was really worked up. We've raised 30 grand,

and then she suddenly pulled the plug,

and I couldn't understand why.

Did you knock off her wing mirror in revenge?

No, no, but I did kill her.

What?

Joking!

Sorry, sorry. It's a force of habit.

It keeps the morale up.

It'd be much easier if you had killed her.

I just really need to wrap this up, and I've got nothing.

Hey, hey, none of that.

Who's going to crack this case?

I am.

Who's going to crack this case?

I am.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Sorry. OK.

Oh!

"An evening with John Chapel."

Good, isn't it? Hmm.

An intimate one-man show.

Anecdotes from my storied career.

A glimpse behind the curtain.

I thought you were supposed to be helping me. I am!

HE CHUCKLES This is just a Trojan horse,

to better comprehend our suspects.

Now, if I was you, I'd speak to Sue.

She seems to be the one running things around here.

I'll introduce you.

Sue, um, the officer would love to speak with you

about... about Rachel.

Bear with me. I'm just taking down the rum.

SUE MUTTERS

Rachel was the only one who drank it.

Oh. Poor thing.

Hmm.

Shaken the whole community.

How was Rachel on the day she was murdered?

Well, there was that business with the phone call. Yeah.

What phone call? Well, that morning, in here,

she had a phone call from the accountant,

and she wanted to write something down,

but the pen that was on the bar wasn't working.

People don't put the tops back on the pens.

Dennis always said, "You're never too busy

"to put the top back on the pen."

Couldn't agree more, Sue. Yeah, yeah. So true.

But the phone call?

Rachel went to her handbag to get the pen.

I didn't know what the accountant said to her,

but she went ashen-faced.

What did the accountant say?

It was funny, actually.

I made a joke about balance sheets,

which had them howling.

You're such a nerd. Did they say why they called Rachel?

It was to query a five-grand loan the club had made

to Terry Daniels.

Very interesting.

Do you want to hear the joke?

Oh... Wh...?

The phone's dying. Bye!

Kick it over, will you?

OK.

Rubbish.

I still couldn't make Caesar's famous line sing.

Then it came to me. The word that defines him.

Crime.

The star of the sentence.

Crime.

The core of his very being.

Crime.

Crime!

Crime waits for no man.

The rest is history.

Oh, goose bumps, John. Goose bumps.

It just seems a bit silly banging on about some old show

that nobody remembers.

There's nothing wrong with having a greatest hits.

I mean, people loved you. Yeah. Men like us, John,

we were big when it mattered.

You have to make way for the younger generation some time.

I mean, let them have the floor.

Are you mad?

Come with me.

Right.

Here we are.

Oh-ho!

Now, look at these trophies, John.

All won by my Josh.

Oh, yeah. No, no, he's, uh, he's certainly done well.

Because he had his old man to look out for him.

You know, every time he said,

"Oh, Dad, I want to play football,"

I was like, "No!" Kept him at the club.

Well, the younger lot,

we have to let them make their own mistakes.

They're not capable of making decisions.

It's not their fault.

It's like all these phones, all this technology.

You know? Anyway...

That's weird.

That door's been squeaking for months. It's fine now.

Mind you, it's not the first weird thing

that's been going on around here lately.

Really? What sort of things?

Loo rolls disappearing,

strange sounds coming from the cellar.

Oh, yeah. Rachel was down there the other day.

Got the fright of her life.

What spooked you, Rachel?

Where's the light switch?

Oh...

What are you doing?! Christ on a bike!

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Damn! Oh...

What a shame.

I had been hoping for a trap door.

For my one-man show. We don't have a trap door,

because we're a rugby club.

And you shouldn't be down here.

Of course. I'm so sorry.

Oh.

Should this be lying around? It's...

Anybody could find it. We've had a rodent problem.

Rachel was meant to lock it away.

Now, then, John Chapel, let's get you above ground.

Of course.

Elis, man, get in his face.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall!

You received a loan of £5,000 from the club.

That is a lot of pounds.

What was it for? That was to turn the back bar

into the Terry Daniels Lounge.

A very classy space where you could come in, have a pint with me,

maybe get a selfie, or talk about that try in '93.

Yeah. Rachel wasn't happy.

The accountants called,

and according to Sue, she went ashen-faced.

Rachel didn't have a problem with the loan.

Anyway, I was going to pay it back through my business.

I run Daniels butcher's in town.

Ah, Joshy boy.

Come here. Hey. Hey.

Nice handbag. It's a cross-body bag, Dad.

I'm pulling your chain. Hey, he's hard as nails, this one.

He's going right to the top, just like his old man.

I'd better go. I'm helping train the women's team.

Ah! No, no good, boy.

You're back in the gym. Double session.

We got to work on the muscle

round your shoulder... I'm training...

Shush, now, boy. I just...

Fine. I'll go hit the weights. I just...

I just want to check something out in the clubhouse first.

Right, good boy.

I've got to head in as well. I, uh, forgot my pen.

All right. Well, make sure you put the top on,

because Sue'll go spare. Oh, yeah.

Elis, take his legs, man!

You can't run without legs!

CLEARS HER THROAT

Sorry, I was, um... I was just...

Wanted to see where it happened?

Yeah. Yeah.

It must have been a shock, the murder.

Yeah. It's not nice to lose anyone.

But the best thing me and the boys can do right now

is to keep our heads down and focus on getting

a great result at the weekend for Rachel.

A lot of these have got your name on.

Yeah, but, you know, it's not about one man,

it's about the team.

And I'd be nothing without those boys.

Hmm. Yeah. Have you had media training, Josh?

Yeah, yeah. How'd you know?

Just a hunch.

Yeah. Do you enjoy rugby?

Well, me and my dad worked really hard

to get me where I am, so... Yeah. Just because your dad

wants you to do something doesn't mean that you should.

Yeah, OK, but it's not that simple.

See, because these are my key years.

I can't waste them. This is a big deal!

Sorry, sorry.

I didn't... I didn't mean to, um...

..to do that.

No, it's all right.

Sometimes when we're angry, we take it out on things.

Yeah. Yeah, like a car wing mirror.

How... how'd you know? I'm a detective, Josh.

It's my job to know these things.

Nah. Total guess.

But why did you do it? I was angry at Rachel.

Cancelling the women's tour was out of order.

And I know my dad thinks they're a joke,

but they're actually really good, you know?

Rachel was always sticking her beak in.

So you taught her a lesson.

But I didn't kill her.

Seriously, this is a long season ahead,

and me and the boys are going to do everything we can

to get to the top of that table.

Can I go? Yeah.

Oh, one last question. Where'd you get your bag?

I really like it. It's unisex.

Why are people still having a go at me about it?

Quite the temper under the bland surface

of our young star. Hmm.

Now, Terry has to be lying.

We only have his word that Rachel knew about the loan.

What did you dig up at the club? What?

Are you even listening?

I'm planning my running order.

Hey!

"An evening with John Chapel.

"Behind the mask. Caesar Q&A.

"Brian Blessed Heathrow anecdote..."

Distracted, John Chapel.

All right, all right. This is important.

My agent has suggested a regional tour.

Nordic River Cruises champing at the bit

to sponsor, evidently.

Oh, sounds like a cry for help.

This will be a chance to lift the veil

on the alchemy of producing high culture.

With your Brian Blessed Heathrow anecdote.

Stop the bloody plane!

Sorry.

Pardon me.

HORN TOOTS

Oh. What is that?

Just taking her for a test drive.

She's perfect.

I thought you were getting a bougie camper van.

Camper van? John!

They're for tourists.

Part-timers who are buying into the aspirational lifestyle

pumped into them by the colour supplements.

Nah, this is where we get real.

It certainly looks very real.

It's perfect, Dad. Thought we'd pick her up

tomorrow night and then drive straight to the ferry.

If it makes it.

It won't just pack in when the mood takes it...

having promised to take you to an arts festival?

Ah, sorry again about that, John. Events beyond my control.

So you want to take her for a spin?

Oh, so much,

but I've got a very busy investigation on the go.

Can't you get somebody else to do that?

There aren't many officers

as skilled and qualified as Janie.

It's important, delivering justice.

We need these forces.

Karma is a massive force.

Sometimes the world rights its own wrongs, John.

Hey. Catch you later. Have you got

a first-edition Dylan Thomas tucked away...? No.

No, just keeping it. All right.

Bye, Dad!

Right, back to the case. Uh, do we need to?

Couldn't we just sit in the lotus position

and let karma solve it?

PHONE RINGS

Chaudhry?

I've been going through the one working camera

on the rugby club CCTV.

And you ID'd our killer?

No, but a few days

before the murder, Rachel's on camera

kissing one of the players.

Not pecking, either. Tongues and everything.

Yeah, yeah. Who?

Grab a ball bag.

Why didn't you tell me you were sleeping with Rachel?

Whoa! You uncovered that?!

You are, like, seriously, one hell of a cop.

You must feel amazing. Good job.

Can you stop being so positive

when I'm trying to be all serious?

It's hard enough when you tell me this is called a ball bag.

Sorry.

It was only a little fling.

I felt bad doing that to Dale.

Plus, Rachel was too full-on, proper controlling, like,

so I ended it a few days ago.

And how'd she take it?

Really badly.

That's why she cancelled the tour.

It's back on now, though.

She dies, and you get what you want.

Ah, you walked me right into that one.

You're like Columbo on speed.

Look, I know it looks bad,

but no rugby tour's worth killing for.

Is there anything else you haven't been telling me?

If I find out you've been holding anything back...

Well, the day before she died.

I did hear Rachel shouting at Sue in her office.

What about her?

Her cleaning, which is mad.

Have you seen Sue with a mop?

Rachel was all, "This isn't acceptable.

"This club needs to be clean."

Sue has been off lately. Hmm.

Sue-spicious.

There was this rugby initiation,

and Terry just got a new guy

to drink the top shelf. Hmm?

You know, every spirit in the bar mixed in a pint glass.

Sue lost it, told everyone to get out.

Oh, my God.

I just got Sue-spicious.

Yeah. That is brilliant.

It's so good. Thanks.

If Dale did know about the affair,

then he has to be prime suspect.

It's a massive motive.

Fighting for his marriage?

No, no, I think he'd already given up on that.

Perhaps he knew about it subconsciously.

Mind you, I can't see his subconscious slipping out

and murdering Rachel.

Interesting idea for a film, though.

Maybe, Chapel. Oh, yes. The Killer Id.

No. Crap.

We're back to where we started.

No, the affair tells us a lot about Rachel's true character.

Cancelling the tour shows that she was willing

to abuse her power

for petty reasons. KNOCK ON DOOR

It's open.

What's going on?

You two haven't shacked up again, have you?

No... Only once!

I was at a low ebb.

'Sake, Mum!

We agreed not to talk about that.

No, Yvonne's here because we want to talk about you leaving.

We think you're making a mistake.

Oh, do we?

IN WELSH

You were supposed to back me up here.

I did.

Mum, can you can you put the kettle on, please?

I can't believe you'd do that, roping my mum in.

I don't want you doing anything you might regret.

Look at everything you've built.

Your career, your flat.

You said my flat was rubbish. Yes, but I don't want to

see you throwing it all away for some childish fantasy.

Telling yourself that the surfboard and some clapped-out van

will make up for decades of fatherly neglect.

Well, maybe I'm being childish.

So what?

I never got the chance to be a child with my dad.

I never thought I would.

Unlike you, my dad is actually here for me.

Why can't you just accept that instead of being jealous?

Jealous?

I just don't like seeing you trying to be someone else.

I want you to be you, Janie.

He wants you to be him.

Well, maybe that's better than nothing.

HE GROANS

I tried.

You look at a low ebb.

No, we shouldn't.

No. You're right. I'd better check she's OK.

Hello, Josh. Are you a fan of Caesar?

What's Caesar?

Ah, yeah. No, I suppose you're a bit young, aren't you? Um...

Think Luther, but in 1950s York.

What's Luther?

Never mind, Josh. Never mind.

Hello, Josh bach. OK?

He's a nice boy.

Yeah. He's got a temper on him, mind.

No?

The other day, Rachel called him into her office

and told him that his season was over.

He'd had an injury, see?

And Josh bach, well, he was stamping and he stormed out.

Hmm...

What you doing there now?

I can't make this thing work.

SIGHS

Oh, didn't quite mean to do that.

Ah...

I take it that that's Dennis. Yes, that's him.

Why is there a jar of Nescafe in the background?

He always used to take his Nescafe on his holidays.

And that's us in Sorrento.

Instant coffee to Italy? Good God.

Oh...

Oh! Oh, that's us in Thailand.

Aw. And that's where he...

How did it happen, Sue?

Scuba diving.

I don't really want to talk about it.

Hmm.

Cause of death blunt-force trauma to the head.

Murder weapon? Definitely the trophy.

Waiting on possible DNA.

One thing, though.

The victim had a couple of liquid stains

on her top. Sent it off for testing,

and it came back as ethanol and caffeine,

likely from the rum and Coke,

but also sodium fluoroacetate.

I love it when you sound like a toothpaste advert.

What's that? Found in rat poison.

Someone laced her drink.

None in her blood sample, though,

so she was killed before she could drink it.

Oh, now, before you go... Hmm?

I got you a little something.

Leaving present. Said you always wanted one, so...

Aw... "Janie Mallowan.

"Cup of the Year"? It's supposed to say Cop.

Friggin' autocorrect.

Oh, mate! Ah, now...

Let it happen. All right.

Aww...

I didn't even nick anything. Oh, of course not. Yeah.

I usually carry eight watches around myself

in case the other seven stop working.

Hopefully Forensics will turn up something

on the weapon. The husband's now got a pretty big motive.

Still no laptop. Yeah, well,

come back to me when you've got something concrete.

Makes me wonder if you're just phoning it in,

because you know you're not going to be here next week.

Sir!

Right, eight watches,

two wallets and one laptop with a Cwm Gwynfael RFC sticker.

Let me see that laptop.

This is Rachel's laptop.

Where did you steal this?

That one's not nicked. But the rest is like, off the record.

But I found the laptop in the bins

at the back of Daniels butcher's.

How's that for concrete, sir?

Terry, did you mean to kill her?

I didn't kill her!

Then what happened?

I just wanted to look at her laptop.

There was a video on it for the memorial.

The District Cup final. I...

I wanted to watch my try.

That's where I know you from!

My old man still talks about that try.

Yeah, well, on the morning of the memorial, right,

well, I-I watched it. I'd never seen it before. And...

..it was just a try.

Nothing spectacular.

But I'd talked it up to people for so long,

well, I couldn't let them see it, so I took the laptop.

I was going to put it back after the service,

but when they found Rachel dead, well, I...

I just panicked.

How did you take the laptop without anybody seeing?

Ah, now, see. Now, right, that was impressive.

Right? I got it tucked under my arm, then quick as a flash,

I'm out the back of the door,

but I've still got to get to my car, and there's this bloke,

and he wants to say hello to me, like, you know?

So I give him the eyes, drop my shoulder,

change of pace, bosh, passed him like a rat up a drainpipe.

When it gets to my ability, right, see...

Thank you for coming.

What are you going to surprise me with this time?

My nan? No.

I may have slightly overstepped the mark.

Well, you're a grown woman.

You should be free to go wherever you like.

I'm sorry.

OK. Well, seeing as I'm free to go where I like,

can I come in and have a biscuit?

Please.

I wish it was Terry,

then I could get this wrapped up by tonight,

but I don't know.

Are you still going tonight? Mm.

You're not going before my show, are you?

Are these your props?

Oh, my God! Is that Caesar's badge?

Yes. I'm just sorting out some relevant props

for the show, and updating my inventory.

I made my own version of this.

Used to use it to arrest Mum.

God, I was uncool.

Right, now we can't discount Josh.

Rachel tried to end his season because of his injury.

It's hardly a reason to kill someone.

You dig up anything else at the club?

Well, Sue's done something worse than murder.

She took instant coffee to Italy.

The home of the espresso.

Snob.

No, but there is something off about Sue.

Her husband dies, yet she barely mentions him.

Now that doesn't scan.

Ah! Excuse me?

That's Caesar's cherished fountain pen.

It's not Caesar's.

It's from the Christmas special, A Dusting Of Death.

They just look the same. Is it?

That's it.

The pen.

They look the same.

I think we need to put on a show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are about to witness a rare event.

For the first time in my decorated career,

I, Charles Caesar, require assistance.

Mid Wales Police Detective Inspector Janie Mallowan.

APPLAUSE

Good evening, everybody!

Sorry, I don't know why I said it like that.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, Caesar.

Sorry. Miss Mallowan and I

have pooled our not insignificant mental faculties

to bring to justice the killer of Mrs Rachel Jenkins.

Rachel wasn't good at keeping secrets.

And she'd discovered a sizeable one,

hadn't she... Sue?

What business is it of yours?

Good question, Sue.

House lights, please.

AUDIENCE MURMURS

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm afraid I have been misleading you.

I've been helping the police

in an official capacity to uncover a myriad of secrets

in this club.

Strange goings-on.

Missing loo rolls,

phantom rodents.

The door that didn't squeak.

Someone oiled the door during the night.

Someone who has been living in the cellar.

Chaudhry!

Ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Dyer.

GASPS

You stupid man.

The number of times I told you

to oil that thing when you were alive,

and now you go and do it when you're meant to be dead.

But I was bored down there.

I'd done all my sudokus.

The pair of you faked Dennis's death

for the life insurance money.

It was the mysterious broken CCTV that gave you away.

That and your holiday photos.

No, not that. No, no.

Yes! HE LAUGHS

It was the instant coffee that struck me.

Not just as an act of extreme philistinism,

but because it was so out of character.

Someone who takes instant coffee on holiday

to the Mediterranean

doesn't do something as intrepid as scuba diving.

But your plan of deception worked until...

Rachel went down to change a barrel,

and she saw you. SCREAMS

I pretended to be a ghost,

but she saw straight through it.

You both knew that she wouldn't keep the secret for long.

So you decided to kill her.

And you nearly did.

But Rachel didn't drink the poisoned rum.

That's why you lost it

when Terry suggested someone drink the top shelf,

because you had already laced the bottle

only Rachel drank from with rat poison.

What a load of rubbish.

And, as you say, she didn't drink it.

I wouldn't be so smug about that.

You're both still going down for it.

So why was Rachel killed, then?

It all centred on a phone call from the accountant.

I already explained about that. She was fine with the loan!

It wasn't what was said on the phone call.

Rachel went to get a pen from her handbag,

only she picked up the wrong one

and opened up a bag that looked just like a woman's handbag.

It looks nothing like a handbag. It's dead masculine.

It does look a bit feminine, to be fair.

She didn't find a pen,

but she did find your secret stash, Josh.

Steroids.

The pressure from your father to bulk up

after coming back from injury.

Your career at a crossroads.

You leaned on illegal help.

It wasn't Sue Abi heard Rachel shouting at.

"This club has to be clean."

It was you.

She was going to report you.

Not just your season over. Your career.

Everything.

This... this is rubbish.

Josh wouldn't dope!

And he's not a killer!

Things came to a head the day of the memorial.

You saw the woman that was going to ruin everything

on her own.

You saw your chance to end it.

I didn't want to let you down, Dad.

I did it! It was me. No, Dad...

No... Stop.

It... it was me. OK?

The results came back from the lab an hour ago.

His DNA is on the weapon.

Yeah, but that's mine.

No, no, no. We are blood. We've got the same DNA.

I killed her, please. Josh Daniels,

I'm arresting you for the murder of Rachel Jenkins.

You do not have to say anything,

but it may harm your defence if you do not mention

when questioned something that you...

Don't say anything, son, OK?

I... I'll sort it all out.

Just heard on the radio. Well done, I suppose.

That you off, then? Yeah, yeah.

Well, at least I'll be out your hair now, sir.

Look...

I'm sorry, Mallowan.

I've been childish.

Truth is... I'm going to miss you.

Oh... We all are.

Chaudhury's a mess.

It's only for a year, sir.

Right, I... A good cop,

Mallowan, is like a tree.

Your trunk.

That's your nuts and bolts, procedures, paperwork.

But you also need your branches.

I don't mean branches, as in, like, police station branches,

I mean... Sir, you're going to have to

put this in a text. I've got to go.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ah. Yeah.

Well, I was going to suggest a celebratory Bourbon

back at mine, but, um...

I suppose you've got to go. Yeah.

Well, here's your coat. Oh.

Um...

..I'm not really sure what to say.

Just want to thank you for everything.

I'm going to miss you, John Chapel.

I'm going to miss you, too,

Janie Mallowan.

Yeah. Go on.

I'll send you a postcard. Yeah.

Actually, I'll just call you.

Postcards are a pain in the arse.

Bye. Bye.

Fish and chips, eh? Mmm.

Just like we used to, yeah?

We did this, like, twice over the course of ten years,

what with you not being here.

Well, this is the start of a new chapter.

I was thinking, I could sneak a few jazz fags into the van

now you're no longer PC Plod.

Had a really good result today.

Got a murder and insurance fraud wrapped up.

Good. Well done. Well done, Janie.

You never take an interest in my work.

Sorry.

I am trying, love. We'll have all the time in the world

for you to fill me in when we're away.

I'm not going. What?

To Portugal.

What do you mean?

I want to stay. I love it here.

I love my job.

I know what will happen if I go to Portugal.

You'll let me down.

Oh, come on! You will.

Because if we're not doing exactly what you want to do,

you will let me down, and I don't deserve it.

Well, I didn't think I was going to win Dad of the Year,

but I didn't realise I was this bad.

Don't sulk.

I love you...

..but I know who I am now.

DI Mallowan.

A damn good detective.

I'm going to be fine.

Be honest. It's because you hate sand, isn't it?

It's 15% the sand thing, yeah.

THEY LAUGH

CAT MEOWS

It's just me and you now, mate.

There you are.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You didn't go.

Had reports of some uneaten Bourbons,

so I thought I should investigate.

Plus, I couldn't leave you on your own.

It's only been a few hours.

You've already broken out the grief jazz

and the shepherd's pie for one.

Hmm.

One and a half, actually,

Alan likes the topping.

And champagne!

Glad to be rid of me, are you?

No, no!

No. Actually, I've been celebrating.

Yeah, I just got off the phone with my agent

about the Netflix job. Yeah.

I got the part. Oh, my God, John Chapel, that's amazing!

Yeah, it looks like I'm going to be in Toronto for a couple of months.

Ah!

That's far.

I know. Yeah.

Well, we'll be all right. We can FaceTime.

And, um... I've got some holiday.

I could come visit. Oh, Canada.

Toronto's in Canada, isn't it?

Famously so. Yeah. Well, no, I'd like that. Hmm.

If I come, can I be in it?

Cor blimey, Mr Shakespeare!

It's not an Australian production.

That was a damn good Cockney accent.

No, no, you need to lengthen your diphthongs.

And the less said about your glottal stops, the better.

If you're going to insult me,

can you at least pour me a glass of champagne first?

Talk about a bad host!

CONVERSATION FADES