Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

Alright alright so,

Sam's lunch came today.

He ordered a chicken Caesar salad.

We have his Caesar salad. We took the chicken out,

and we're going to replace it

with dog food before he gets here,

and see if he notices.

Alright, let's add some dog food.

Hey Sam, here's your salad.

Oh, thanks. You're not eatin' nothing?

Nah, I didn't order anything.

I'll just watch you eat lunch.

Look at us, just two guys hangin' out and havin' lunch.

I mean one guy's havin' lunch, I'm not,

I'm not eatin' nothin'.

You just like watchin' me eat lunch, huh?

Yeah, I like watching you eat lunch.

Look at this salad. I'm eatin' healthy.

Yeah, I'm proud of you.

Oh, oh, what's that in the salad?

Is that chicken?

It's chicken, yeah.

It looks a little... dry.

It is a little dry.

That's weird. The menu said

it was supposed to be... moist.

The menu said it was supposed to be moist?

Yeah, it said it was supposed to be moist!

What are you laughing about?

Why are you laughing?

April Fools, [bleep] face!

Am I eating [bleep] dog food?

Is this a joke? What the [bleep]?

Fuck this shit, fuck this shit.

Fuck this shit, fuck...

...this shit

Fuck this shit.

Fuck this shit.

Louie! You left the dog outside again.

I know I did!

I'm bringing him in!

Don't bring that goddamn dog...

...back in this goddamn house!

He's gonna get eaten by coyotes.

Do you want to have a funeral for our dog?

I'm bringing the dog back in.

Are you really,

really gonna put that dog outside right now, Louie?

Chas?

Stop! You better not bring

that dog back in here!

Dude, what is going on?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm-I'm fine.

Oh.

Do I-Do I not seem okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, I, I know I look,

like, fucked up, but...

No, no, you look,

you look fine.

I mean I'm, I'm not on drugs or anything.

Okay... um, that's, that's good!

You're just freaked out because you've never seen me

- with my hair this short. - Oh, yeah.

Maybe.

What's going on? Why are you here?

Just wanted to see you.

I hope that's okay.

Where'd you park?

I took the train.

Yeah, they don't trust me with the car.

- Do you live here alone? - Oh, you know what?

I live with my friend, um... Robbie.

Oh, oh, Robbie... a male friend.

Are you two like, um--

He's at his girlfriend's house right now.

Do you usually take the knife out when he's away?

No. I thought that someone was trying to break in earlier!

Oh.

That's fucked up.

Yeah.

I-I don't know, I was like probably just seeing shit,

to be honest.

Byproduct of the kind bud.

Yeah...

Well, uh, good thing you got that outta the way

before I showed up.

I-I didn't know that you were showing up---

Hey, I'm fucking with you.

Don't worry about it.

You are still so skinny.

You're still cool and you wear glasses.

- Well, I still hate contacts... - And I still hate contact, so.

Well, you hugged me, so.

Oh, man...

Oh, God...

You should've seen me after my first big panic attack.

Oh, God.

They put me on Lexapro, which increased my appetite,

so, I gained like, like twenty pounds.

But I looked, um... I looked great!

Yeah, thick even.

So, you're not on Lexapro now?

No, I'm-I'm not on anything anymore.

That's good.

Right? That's good?

Yeah, it's good.

So... you... how'd you know---

- So do you like... Sorry. - Sorry.

No, you-you go.

Just like, um... you know about my current situation, right?

My mom told me, like, a basic summary.

Well, allow me to give you the full Wiki article.

Which are basically summaries.

Wow.

Always busting my chops,

even when I'm trying to be real with you.

No, I'm... I'm so sorry, I'm just--

Hey, I'm fucking with you.

Relax.

Yeah, the anxiety started spring semester

of my junior year.

I was on my way to this restaurant that I liked

near school called the, um,

The Kicking Crab.

Cool name.

Yeah, you would like that name.

What?

What?

Like what do you mean?

I mean, like, you would like that name,

like, it's a goofy name.

- The fuck is wrong with you? - Sorry, I don't know why...

Please, go on.

It's okay.

Um.

Anyway,

I'm on my way to The Kicking Crab.

I was driving...

and I put on the car radio

and "Carry the Zero" by Built to Spill came on.

Which made me think of you,

which made me start crying.

And while I was crying,

I started thinking about crying.

And then I thought about that thought...

and all the thoughts I was having.

I was thinking about thinking.

There's a word for that... um...

"Metacognition" I think is... is what they call it?

Yeah.

And I was so unfocused on driving that I, uh,

crashed into a big sign in front of the restaurant

shaped like a crab.

I could've died!

But, um... but I'm fine now.

I mean, I wasn't fine for, like,

a really long time after that.

I started, um...

getting into some heavy shit to kind of, like,

shut my brain off.

But uh...

But yeah, I think I'm fine now.

So, you-you think it's gonna stick this time?

This time? What do you mean?

Didn't you just get out of rehab...

again?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Um...

yeah.

Yeah, it was a real positive experience.

Um.

And yeah, I think it'll stick this time.

But sometimes you, um...

can't anticipate the bend in the river.

Is that like something they say there?

Yeah, no, I, I think I read that somewhere.

Huckleberry Finn, maybe...?

Hey, well, if you ever need to talk to me about anything,

I'm here.

I am talking to you...

right now.

No, yeah, I know, I like...

but just, you know, if um...

if you need anything.

What do you need?

You know, like, uh...

why are you here?

So, like, um, part of my recovery...

- Mm-hmm. - ...is that I have to make

amends with people I wronged while I was using.

And honestly, I wasn't really sure if you'd wanna see me

so I, um, got your address from Grace.

You could've just texted me.

I wasn't sure if you'd respond.

And I felt like I, I owed it to you to make amends

face to face.

You don't owe me anything.

What do you mean?

The last time that I saw you...

was before you started using.

Oh my God.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Yeah, right.

Right, right.

Fuck.

Fuck.

It's been a while, huh?

Yeah, I mean, like...

if anyone should be making amends, it...

it should be me, right?

No.

No, you don't have to do that again.

Been there, done that.

So how have you been?

I hear you're dating a guy named Robbie?

♪ I see you... ♪

♪ Checkin' out my bod, I'm Ichabod Crane ♪

♪ Driving all of Sleepy Hollow insane ♪

♪ The other men are more or less the same ♪

♪ But me, cherie, you know I can't be tamed ♪

♪ I'm Ichabod Crane ♪

♪ Yes, that is my name ♪

And then I think I should do a big wink.

- A big what? - A big goofy wink.

Like this.

You know, like, I think I'm hot stuff.

'Cuz the dude is a dink,

and the bigger the wink, the bigger the dink,

or so I've been told,

by you.

I've never said that to you.

Yeah, you have!

- Haley, back me up here. - Yeah, it's true.

You say it like, all the time.

It's not true.

And don't do the wink. It's too over the top.

Starting again, no stopping.

Over the top? It's good!

- From the top! - Oh my God,

you're obsessed with tops.

"From the top! Over the top!"

"Take off your top!"

Uh--

Hey, man, she said it, not me.

You two are the same to me.

It's true.

Ew, no it isn't!

Okay, fuck you!

Hey!

Alright. From the top-.

♪ I see you ♪

♪ Checkin' out my bod I'm Ichabod Crane ♪

♪ Driving all of Sleepy Hollow insane ♪

I saw that.

♪ The other men are more or less the same ♪

♪ But me, cherie, you know I can't be tamed ♪

♪ I'm Ichabod Crane ♪

♪ Yes, that is my name ♪

♪ I'm Ichabod Crane ♪

♪ I wink so much, I'm in pain ♪

♪ I'm goin' crazy in the head ♪

♪ I'm Wink-abod Pain ♪

♪ I'm Ichabod Crane ♪

♪ I wink so much, I'm in pain ♪

♪ Ow! Ow! Ow! ♪

♪ I'm Wink-abod Pain ♪

♪ I'm gonna wink at you today ♪

♪ I wink so much, I'm in-Crane ♪

♪ I'm gonna wink at your mom ♪

♪ I'm Wink-abod Crane ♪

♪ And I'll wink at your dad ♪

♪ I wink so much, I'm in-Crane ♪

♪ I'm gonna... ♪

Come on, J.D.!

Dottie is gonna be there.

I... I'm tired, it's Thursday.

Oh, right.

It's a Thursday!

Oh, yes, that's a good point, it is a Thursday.

If Dottie is there, you know what that means?

A kind bud with the kind bud.

And I'm not talkin' Budweiser if that's what you're thinking.

Wasn't what I was thinking.

Or Air Bud if that's what you were thinking.

No.

I was actually thinking of Bud Cort.

- Who? - What the fuck?

From Harold and Maude? The movie you made me watch?

I was talking about weed, like, are you dumb?

And what do you mean we "made you watch" Harold and Maude?

You liked it, you pervert.

I can't believe you're doing this to us.

We've been talking about going to the water tower all week,

- you pervert. - I'm sorry

for pulling out, but...

Pulling out?

So you're just pulling out like a responsible boyfriend?

Okay, I'm sorry for backing out, but...

Dude, if you don't come out with us tonight,

your new nickname will be,

uh...

Take your time.

I want it to be something about his dick.

Like "Ugly Dick."

Again, take your time.

Uh...

"Needle Dick!"

That is pretty good.

J.D.!

My poor baby. Are they being mean to you?

He's actually going by "N.D." now.

"Non-Disclosure?"

"Needle Dick."

- Why would you tell her that? - You guys.

What? He pulled it out and showed it to us.

Yeah, we also just found out that pulling out

is his signature move.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

And that he doesn't wanna hang out with us

at the water tower tonight, for no good reason...

I think we should normalize "being tired" as a good reason.

I thought the reason was that it's Thursday.

What if I told you that I risked my life

acquiring Jack Daniel's for this very occasion?

For you, your namesake?

It's not my... I don't know why I'm clarifying this.

Uh, yeah, because your name is "Needle Dick."

What if I go? Will you go?

Genuinely, I just am really tired, I--

Please? How many more times are we gonna be able to do this?

I--

For me?

Come on.

I'll go for, like, an hour.

- Whoa! - What the hell?

Emilie says she'll go and then all of the sudden...

All of "a" sudden.

What the fuck. What the fuck?

No. It's all of "the" sudden.

No. It's all of "a" sudden."

No. It's all of "the" sudden!

No. It's all of "a" sudden!

- All of "the" sudden. - All of "a" sudden.

- All of "the" sudden! - All of "a" sudden.

Wait, sorry, all of "the" sudden

it's all of "a" sudden?

All of this sudden, all of that sudden.

It's, oh my God, it's wabbit season!

Oh my God, it's duck season!

- Wabbit season! - Oh my God,

- it's duck season! - Who's on first?

Who's on first!

You're listening to K.R.E.M.

Santa Mira Public Radio.

Careful driving this evening

as the fog is rolling in tonight.

We're in the heat of pixie season right now,

so, if you've yet to pick up a pixie or sip on pixie pop,

make sure to swing by Shamrock Farms

while the citrus is still with us.

As we like to say here...

What day are you leaving?

Twenty-seventh. You're the twenty-eighth?

Don't act like you didn't already know.

Yeah, okay, asshole. Right back 'atcha.

A whole day without you. What will I do?

I don't know. All the things I hold you back from doing?

Eating and taking a shit.

Yeah, who am I gonna force to be constipated from now on?

Finally gonna have time to comb your hair.

Stop it!

- God. - Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm such a pain.

Yeah.

Wait, What the fuck?

Are they really going up without us?

Do they not notice us?

Their lack of spatial awareness

is gonna make tonight go even better.

Yeah, or worse, if they can't even see two feet

in front of them when it's light out.

We'll just get Grace to get like right up in J.D.'s face

That's gonna blow it.

Our makeup isn't that good.

"Our" makeup?

It was my makeup and how dare you.

- Alright. - I'm leaving.

Wow. Look at those three.

What good kids we've raised.

I sometimes think they raised us.

Well, it's easy to think that. We did name them "Mom," "Dad",

and "Grandma", after all.

Um.

Do you think they're even talking about anything up there

or are they just like walking in complete silence?

Oh, they're definitely not talking.

I've read that complete silence is a form of intense intimacy.

I mean, look at them. They're clearly so comfortable

with each other.

Oh I bet any second now

J.D.'s gonna say some shit like,

"Uh, this walk feels longer than normal."

Yeah, then Dottie's gonna be like, "It's kinda cold out."

Oh, and then Emilie's gonna to try to break the ice with,

"Wow, everyone's really talkative tonight."

They were having too much fun up there,

I thought I'd join you two.

Yeah!

It's a nice night.

Yeah, it's kinda cold out. Wouldn't you say so, Haley?

Hey. I saw that.

- It's good. - I risked my life

getting you that, okay?

I like it. It's good.

So how are you all feeling about your little show?

I don't know how I feel about you calling it

our "little show".

I call it the "Chas Show."

I call it the "ensemble piece."

Every show we've done has been a "Chas Show."

Uh... what the fuck?

You know, people say, "Chas stole the show,"

"Chas was like, actually good."

I'm sorry, I didn't know J.D. stands for "Jealous Dude."

It's not like you're good at anything else, so...

- Wow! - Ooh!

Okay, excuse you.

Chas here is also a great yearbook co-editor

and if it wasn't for him

the Bowling Club would still be called

the "Blowing" Club.

Wait, is that real?

Yeah. I personally saved the Clubs and Activities page.

No, the... the Bowling Club.

Is that real? Do we have that at our school?

Yeah, dude. Where've you been?

Suspended.

- Right. - Honestly...

bummed I never joined Bowling Club.

Well, it's Wednesdays, which would conflict

with your Blowing Club.

How would you know what day it is?

I've never invited you.

I'm still holding out for the invite.

Probably got lost in the mail or something.

Yeah. Uh huh.

Does, uh, J.D. stand for "Joint Decliner?"

Oh, I can't smoke. I left my inhaler in the car.

That "Ichabod Crane" song is so funny.

Yeah, we know you think it's funny.

Really?

I still think I'm kind of flat.

No! You sound great.

She's talking about the song. Not your butt.

"Not your butt."

Which does remind me, by the way,

been meaning to ask you...

would you rather have a good voice or a good butt.

You've been meaning to ask me that?

- Mm-hmm. - I think I'd rather have

friends who engage me in much more stimulating conversation.

Ooh.

Oh, that's the obvious and dumb answer.

Oh!

No, but really, that's, um...

that's a... that's a great question.

I guess I'd rather have

a good butt with a good voice.

Now that is a great answer.

Please explain.

Well.

You see, I, uh...

I fart all the time.

Can you believe it? And the sounds are not pleasant.

But, if I farted, and the sounds were good...

I don't know, I think that some people might think

that that's pretty cool.

It might resonate.

Yeah, that is pretty cool.

Hey, can we hear an example of how your farts currently sound?

Oh, no, no. You're putting me on the spot.

We didn't talk about this before the interview.

Please? If you won't do it for me,

do it for the listeners.

Okay.

Oh, dude, J.D., my man!

Hey, I was supposed to fart, not you.

That's so funny.

I don't know how you guys do that shit.

Like the acting and whatnot.

Like,

I just cringe imagining myself being in a play,

pretending to be somebody else.

Yeah,

that's 'cuz you're too cool,

you're too real.

Yeah.

And I think that...

I couldn't concentrate

'cuz being around all those theater kids and they're so...

hot.

I think my eyes might wander.

Wow. What was in that joint?

That was a really funny thing to say.

Thank you. Yeah.

I cannot even imagine

what the bowling team members must look like.

Dude, being suspended as you so horny for everyone.

Yeah, "being suspended," that's it.

Yeah, dude, easy with that shit 'cuz horniness is bad news.

Have you guys heard that story about that one high school guy?

He was, like, so horny for this one girl.

He let her convince him to come up here,

to this hill, on a Thursday

even though he was really tired and he just wanted to go

to sleep.

Is that the whole story?

Pretty good.

- Haley. - What?

It's just a story.

You guys haven't heard that story?

Yes, we all know and love that story, but...

have you heard the one about the Princess?

Oh, no one wants to hear Princess story

right now, you freak.

Do you not know the Princess story?

About the water tower ghost?

at these... here... water towers?

Is that a real thing?

Well, no, it's not a real thing, but...

it's a real story!

Yeah. What the fuck? That's obviously what I meant--

Haley, how have you never heard the story?

We've been coming here for years.

I haven't heard it.

- I have. - You have?

Yeah! Or... no. Maybe?

I don't know... is it weird if I know it?

Tell it, Em. It's a good yarn.

It's a good yawn, more likely.

The hell?

I'm saying it's gonna suck, dude.

You just don't wanna shit your fucking pants.

Oh! Okay. Yeah. Right.

Emilie, tell the story.

So, you guys know Ralph Morrison

and Bob Hotard and that group of guys?

- No. - Yes, you do.

When they were our age,

back in the seventies, they used to come up here to drink.

Oh, yeah. Total jocks.

Just like us.

And on a night like tonight, no less.

And one night...

...they brought a Ouija board up here.

Oh, fuck.

Now, the validity of this story is obviously questionable

because they were wasted

and obviously because

there's a ghost involved.

Spirits and... ¡spirits!

Booze and... boo's.

Come on, man! It's funny!

"Booze and spirits..."

Anyway, after playing

with the board for a while--

Can you speed it up?

- She just started. - That's what I'm saying.

Maybe if you stopped interrupting.

That was the first time I interrupted.

God, J.D., I'm so sorry about him.

Please continue.

J.D., always drunk on his juice and high on his bullshit.

I... I'm not high.

I can't smoke, my inhaler's in the car--

So, eventually

they started talking to a spirit that called herself...

the Princess.

Princess of what?

Who's to say?

Of the water tower.

Maybe.

Whoooooo knows?

Okay, J.D.'s right. Let's speed this up a little bit.

Sorry.

So they asked her all sorts of questions,

but she just kept saying

through the board that she wanted to make one of them

her prince.

No matter what question they asked,

her response was the same...

"Will you be my prince?"

Everyone thought it was Bob Hotard just fucking with them

so they stopped playing and kept drinking.

- Bob Hotard? - Bob Hotard!

I know you know him.

Later, Bob Hotard

walked over to that hillside to pee

and mid-stream

he looked up

and saw the silhouette of a little girl

slowly descending down the hillside towards him.

As she got closer, she stuck out her hand

and whispered something he couldn't quite make out.

And then,

finally, when she was just a few

- feet away-- - And he's, sorry...

this Bob Hotard guy, he's still pissing?

- Yes. - Built to spill.

All he could see was that she was wearing a white dress

stained red with blood

and long black hair covering her face.

He freaked out and ran back to the rest of the guys

to tell them that there was someone there.

They still thought Bob Hotard was fucking with them

until...

suddenly...

right behind Bob...

the girl reappeared and shouted

with blood and pus coming out of her mouth...

"I am the princess,

who will be my prince?"

And then...

they all ran away and never came back here

to drink again.

Wow.

Well it definitely didn't stop them from drinking in general,

just knowing Bob Hotdog as well as I do.

Yeah, he's a straight chiller.

So, what do you think, J.D.?

Isn't that the scariest fucking shit you've ever heard?

Yeah, I'm fucking wrecked.

Princess?

We have good prince material here by the name of J.D.!

Okay, that... stop.

Whoa.

That was the wind.

Oh, so that was just you farting again?

- That's so funny, Haley. - No, it was like

a really funny thing to say.

This is a really funny group.

It's a lot of fun behind the scenes...

...between the takes!

Shut up.

"Between the takes."

Thanks.

I'll be honest, the game plays like shit,

but the world is so novel, the characters are so novel,

the music is incredible and it's challenging,

like in a fun way where you have to balance

your class schedule with your social calendar,

while trying to accomplish side quests

so you can level up and uncover secrets.

And, what's more,

you do also have to sleep in the game

uh, so that presents its own

set of time management challenges.

Time to break the seal.

The seal's real.

its own set of setup time management challenges.

Oh, you wanted to keep talking about it?

Yeah.

The-the game right?

- What game? - Bully.

- Who? - "Balling?"

"Balling."

Bully.

- "Balling." - "Ballin'!"

- That one? - I don't know...

You've never played basketball before?

I never played basketball.

- Yeah. We know. - That's shocking.

Do you guys all play basketball?

Yeah, we're in a league together.

We play Skins and Shirts.

Skins and Shirts on Sundays.

What does that mean?

It's where I take my shirt off and...

And I take off my skin.

Hey, hey you guys, you guys, you guys,

hey hey hey,

I think somebody is coming down the hill, L.O.L.

The Princess?

No, I'm serious, I think it's the cops.

We gotta clear outta here.

Whoa, dude, Dottie, my dude,

is that shit Indica or Sativa?

It was oregano.

Oh! Then the cops won't bust us

'cuz the Jack Daniel's is actually water

with a little bit of dye in it.

Ha, ha.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Who... who is that?

Hello?

Hello. Can we help you?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Is that blood?

Wait, where is your inhaler?

Car... car... car...

Do you need our help?

Are you alone?

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Round and round the rugged rocks,

the ragged rascal ran.

Round and round the rugged rocks,

the ragged rascal ran.

Round and round the rugged rocks, the ragged rascal ran.

Round and round the rugged rocks,

the ragged rascal ran.

Round and round the rugged rocks,

the ragged rascal ran.

Round and round the rugged rocks,

the ragged rascal ran.

Now make your face as small as you can.

Now make your face as big as you can!

Now make your face as small as you can.

Now make your face as big as you can!

As big as you can!

Now make your face as small as you can.

Now make your face as big as you can!

As big as you can.

Big.

As big as you... Big!

You think I'll look like this when I'm older?

If you still have me doing your makeup, you will.

And...

she was covered in blood.

Did you call the cops to report a missing kid?

What would they have done? It was a ghost.

We would've sounded insane.

- Sounds fake. - J.D. saw her too!

I saw her, but... I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

You had a freakin' asthma attack over it.

That could've been secondhand smoke.

No it couldn't have.

An actual asthma attack? Are you okay?

Yeah. I left my inhaler in my car.

J.D.'s new catchphrase.

You weren't okay.

You almost fuckin' died, dude.

Yeah, and you were like...

speaking in tongues.

Guys.

What?

It's true.

He was speaking in tongues.

The Headless Horseman doesn't exist.

Shh. Do you hear that?

Oh, I'm not falling for your tricks.

No, I'm quite serious.

I hear something.

Is that...? No. It can't be.

It's the Headless Horseman!

Oh, God!

Where's Chas?

Are you still thinking about, um...

what was her name?

The Little Queen?

Princess? Yes, of course I am. Are you not?

Do you think we should have stuck around

and gotten to know her better?

I think we should have reported a missing kid.

I think we still should report a missing kid.

I know you're supposed to wait forty-eight hours to do it,

that feels wrong, but still, it's...

who knows how long she was out there before we got there.

Look, I'm gonna step away for a second,

but feel free to keep talking, okay?

♪ All of my life ♪

♪ I've had bad dreams about you ♪

♪ Now here tonight ♪

♪ I hear the sound of horseshoes ♪

Chas!

♪ As the blood streams from my wound ♪

♪ I'm seeing the light ♪

♪ The closer I get to you, I ♪

♪ Scream ♪

Sorry... the last scene's coming up.

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

Shh. Stop. Stop.

Sorry, sorry.

You killed him!

You chopped his head clean off.

Please, Mr. Horseman, sir, I beg of you,

show pity on me.

I will not!

♪ Because I am the Headless Horseman ♪

How are you singing without a head?

♪ And I will show no remorse when ♪

♪ I cut off all the heads of men, women, and chil... ♪

♪ I'll see you tomorrow ♪

♪ You pretty ghost ♪

♪ Light the room on fire ♪

♪ All the doors closed ♪

♪ Overtake me, bake me, ♪

♪ Make me roast ♪

♪ Whoever finds me ♪

♪ Will find the scene morose ♪

♪ And have you had ♪

♪ Enough of me today ♪

♪ If not today ♪

♪ A lifetime, anyway ♪

♪ A flicker in ♪

♪ The light that might be you ♪

♪ I quiver from the sight ♪

♪ Despite knowing ♪

♪ It can't be true ♪

♪ I'll see you tomorrow ♪

♪ You pretty ghost ♪

♪ Tell me something ♪

♪ Hauntingly apropos ♪

♪ When you kill me ♪

♪ Chill me to the bone ♪

♪ And engrave my ♪

♪ Final words in stone ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ You pretty ghost ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ You pretty ghost ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ You pretty ghost ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

- Really? - Gustavo Dudamel.

With white hair?

With white hair. When he's old.

I don't think he has white hair.

- Does he? - Nah, and he never will.

- Wow. - He's perfect.

Grace, where were you last night?

That's a weird thing to ask my kid sister.

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I can't believe

you didn't realize it was me.

Wait... wait, what was you?

- That's not funny, Chas. - That was you?

My kid sister's been a ghost this whole time?

I'm sorry!

Hey, don't apologize to him, apologize to me!

Way to completely blow it, Grace.

Mom and dad should've named you Graceless.

And scene!

So are you, uh, seeing anyone?

I meet with a therapist three times a week.

Um, I meant are you, like, seeing anyone

relationship-wise?

Unless you and your therapist are you doing, like, a little

"physical therapy" on the side.

Like... me and my therapist are having sex?

- Uh-huh. - No, that's not happening.

That is great.

It's great that you're getting all the help that you need--

Not supposed to be involved with anyone.

Oh. For how long?

Just like a year or some shit.

Longer, if possible.

So do you wanna like, go for...

a drive or anything? Or, like, go anywhere?

No, I'm, I'm cool here.

Okay.

Do you want anything from the kitchen?

Do you have any beer?

Is that like...

is that, is that okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine.

Oh.

Booze was never my problem.

I'm not on any meds, so, it's okay.

Oh.

Yeah. Okay.

Kitchen's down the hall to the left, ha ha.

Oh, great.

Thank you. Ha ha!

So, um... you're staying at your parents' place?

Yeah, I'm supposed to.

Grace is there too right now.

And they're doing okay?

Grace must be, like, finishing up college now, right?

I left without telling them.

They don't know where I am right now.

Just can't stand being there anymore.

I hate, um... I hate being watched all the time.

Just makes everything worse.

So...

So, but, like,

you don't have anything with you.

Are, like, all of your meds back home, or...?

I told you I'm off of them.

Yeah, I don't need them.

Hey, hey please don't tell my family that I'm here.

Yeah, no, I'm,

I'm like, I was literally just checking.

I would literally never tell them that you were here.

Do not worry.

Yeah, no, I'll be gone in no time.

I've got some, um...

I've got some people up north

who are gonna help me out.

I just needed to stop along the way.

- So, uh... - People up north? Like...

- Alaska? - No, no, north from here.

Yeah, yeah, they're... they're good people.

How do you plan on getting north from here?

Uh, someone's meeting me here tomorrow morning.

Hm.

Oh, yeah.

Um, yeah, so can I, um...

like, spend the night?

You can stay as long as you need to.

It's just one night.

And don't worry, I didn't give them your exact address.

Why would I need to worry about that?

I'm just... I'm saying you don't need to.

Thanks, Hales.

You don't need to thank me for anything.

- My baby boy. - My little friend.

- You are so skinny. - You are so awesome

and cool and you wear glasses.

- Weird. - What? "Weird?" Fuck this.

Grace!

- Hi! - Hi!

Oh, my God.

You look so good.

Thank you! You look so good.

- We need to catch up, dude. - Definitely.

You're good there, right?

Hey!

So, uh, you still talking to Kelly?

It's Kelly, right?

Yeah. Kelly. With a "K."

And no, I haven't, no.

Right. She made, uh, cat noises, right?

She meowed a lot?

Again, yeah, I'm not... I'm not talking to her...

No, it would be hard to communicate with that.

I am, uh, talking to Sandra though.

Jesus Christ.

How many people are you talking to?

I don't know.

What, you want me to go through the whole list?

Oof. Actually, with my reading list for the break,

I don't think I can handle your scroll of names.

Whatever. You don't even believe me.

I so do!

- No you don't. - You would never lie to me.

My darling boy.

Stop fucking with my hair!

Well, what about you? Are you still seeing, uh...

what's his name? Mel?

Desmond?

What?

- Mel? - Where did I get Mel from?

Uh, no, I am not seeing Desmond anymore,

or anyone named Mel, ever.

Hey. Hey, some of the greatest guys in the world

are named Mel, okay? Brooks. Blanc.

- Gibson. - Oh! Oh!

Do you know about Emilie's new boyfriend?

Yeah, I... I know she has one.

Why, is he here?

Yeah. Michael Keikhofer.

- That's a made up name. - It's real, I swear.

He's from Orange County.

Oh, right.

Yeah, the Orange County Keikhofers.

Are those, like, a real thing? Are they well-known?

Are you new here?

Sorry, I honestly couldn't tell if you were joking.

Well,

anyway,

I think it's awesome that Emilie's marrying

into the Orange County Keikhofers.

I don't know. I don't think it's that awesome.

I mean, aren't they happy?

They seem kind of happy online.

Are you new here?

Yeah, okay.

But, I mean, do you know for a fact

that they're, like, not happy?

Well, have you seen their performative pictures together?

They look like siblings.

Hey, some people are into that.

I mean, have you heard of porn?

- They look like... - It's all over the Internet.

...ashamed to be touching each other.

Step-sibling porn is like the number one looked up...

and I'm not saying I...

- but there's clearly a demand. - Are you looking up

- pictures of them? - No, I'm looking up porn

because I'm trying to prove a point.

I was thinking

that maybe we could give him a proper greeting.

I have some ideas.

Come on, man.

What?

Let's just... let's not do anything.

Emilie is happy.

- Online! - No.

She texts me every once in a while.

Oh, because that's more reliable.

Let's just not do any of that dumb shit.

It's exhausting. And I kind of just want to chill.

"Dumb shit?"

Dude, I could use a night of just hanging out

without any, like, sinister motives behind it,

- you know? - I...

Okay.

You are such a sweetie.

- College has just changed you. - I'm gonna kill you.

What exactly am I messing up here?

It's a very specific thing that I'm going for.

Oh.

This stupid fucking ad, I just want my porn!

"Bullied after school, and maybe too quiet at dinner time?

'Baby, what's wrong?'

'You just don't get ti!'

Your child might be suffering from adolescent depression,

some form of ADHD,

and might eventually have suicidal thoughts

It's time you took their life into your own hands.

- We, at medical..." - You son of a bitch,

you've still got it.

Fuck fuck fuck, shit shit shit.

I--

Mmm.

Oh, shit.

Fuck. I am sorry.

I can't.

I just can't.

Shit. I.

I wish I could, but, fuck. Fuck.

Good lord, J.D.

Do you kiss your beautiful mother here with that mouth?

Oh, look at you two.

We missed you around here.

- Oh, Rowena, I love ya. - Rowena, I love ya.

- Oh, stop. - No, it's true.

So, we are here to kidnap your son.

Yep. Sorry, J.D.

Get in the car and nobody gets hurt.

As you can see, we have so much family stuff going on.

And I've been drinking.

We're literally doing nothing.

Go hang out with your friends.

You've been sitting here staring at the wall

since we finished dinner.

And you opened that beer hours ago.

Dude, your mom seemed pissed.

For you to bail like that during what was obviously

a family night.

Yeah, that was fucked up, man.

Oh my fucking God, yes.

Oh, man. Buckle up there, John, uh.

We're driving.

But seriously, buckle up.

Hey. Is that an open container?

Dude, do you know much time I can do for that?

Me, your buddy Chas, in jail.

It's evil. No, it's sinister.

I expected a lot more from you, Johnny Depp.

It's almost showtime, folks!

Yeah, yeah, Emilie's told me so much!

It's nice to finally meet you.

I feel like I already know you guys.

Babe, I hope you've called your loved ones

because they're kidnapping us.

- Oh, is this... that? - Yeah.

I hope your girlfriend told you

that I take this very seriously.

I have a gun.

Oh, is this one of these, uh,

live telecast musicals with the stunt casting?

Yeah, Mike helped construct some of the sets

and he wanted to watch it.

Feel free to sit and join us or...

Hmm. Oh. Oh!

Oh, you're serious?

Does J.D. stand for "Just Dookie'd?"

Oh, my gosh! This is on right now!

You think we can just stream it later?

What do you mean?

We've been talking about watching this all day.

Well, I can't help the timing. I mean...

Just give us a second.

Gonna be more than a second

to convince me not to watch this.

♪ I'll see you tomorrow, you pretty ghost ♪

J.D.! Please! Help me!

Tell my mom... I hate her!

What is she even doing with him?

Like, what kinda contest did he win?

Oh. Yeah.

She looks good, though, right?

I mean, like, it's not just some

romantic nostalgia high school shit.

She looks great.

Like, what if I made a move on her tonight?

Would that be messed up?

I don't... maybe... yeah, I don't know.

- Hi! - Hi, hi, hi!

Oh my God, sorry, we have to be quiet.

It took me hours to put the baby down.

Dude, you "put the baby down?"

You killed your own baby and it took you hours?

Dude, it's a baby!

I meant "get him down."

- Also... - Ow, it's tender.

You didn't tell me you had a baby.

Oh, no... is it mine?

Oh, really? Are you gonna do this shit every single time?

Yeah, every time you have a baby I will.

How is my little dude Roland doing?

He's the best little dude in the world.

He is.

I'll be the judge of that. Let me see him.

- Chas! - No, he is asleep.

I just still can't believe you didn't tell me you had a kid.

- Shut up. - What? It's unexpected

from you of all people.

- Chas. - I hate you.

Look, it would be, like, ideal if you could come out tonight.

It might be your last chance to meet Emilie's

current boyfriend.

Hales, come on.

I thought you didn't like him.

I mean, yeah, Dottie, you gotta meet this freak.

I want to. I'm sorry.

The surprise really disagrees with me these days.

- Fuck. I'm sorry, I gotta-- - Please do not apologize,

or I'm going to call the cops.

Fucking baby.

Married with a kid at twenty-one. Total gutterball.

She seems happy.

Online.

Seems like a good mom keeping Roland away from you.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a Roland. Not in my crew.

Oh, wow, J.D.'s "Mr. Popular" in college.

Can we not talk about this?

His list of guys is insane.

I know there's been a couple of guys.

I didn't know about a whole list!

I know his whole list.

And you think I have a long list.

I never said that.

So there's Julian.

That last like five seconds.

And Donald.

He lasted like five seconds.

"He lasted like five seconds."

And... Michael?

Uh... not you.

I know.

Is that everyone?

- Mel. - Mel!

There it is.

I knew it came from somewhere.

What?

Oh, it's just a conversation

- you weren't a part of. - Oh, okay.

Uh... am I missing anyone?

No, yeah, uh... there's been a lot.

Uh, hey Michael. You know, we thought

that J.D. here had a thing for Emilie

back in high school

before he came out of the old proverbial closet.

But he, um... probably had a thing for me the whole time.

It turned out that Chas was the one

who had a thing for Emilie instead.

- Dude, the fuck? - What? It's true.

So, uh, J.D., uh, sleeping around so much,

is that just, like, uh, a result of, like, uh,

coming from, like, a repressed small town community,

from that to, like, a, like a liberal,

liberal arts college?

Uh, I, uh, uh, I, that goes without,

uh, uh, saying, uh, uh, uh.

Meanwhile, I can't get a dick to save my wife.

"To save... to save my wife."

What are you talking about? What about, uh... um...

Oh, you don't have Mel to fall back on this time.

Oh! Desmond! Right?

That is right, Emilie.

Good job cyberstalking me.

Desmond. That's right.

Yeah, we um... we went out for a little,

but we never slept together. Isn't that interesting?

What? Really?

You didn't tell me that.

Yeah.

But, um... don't feel too bad.

Look at Michael and Emilie.

They're able to make it work.

Emilie's told me enough about you to know you're joking,

but, I mean, we've had sex, to be clear.

Is that what you call what we do?

Well, no, I actually call it making love.

I know, Mikey. I love you.

Did, um... Emilie also tell you

that I find sex to be vulgar and shameful?

You should be disgusted with yourself

for including my friend here

in your act of shame.

Okay.

Although, I guess it doesn't really matter anyway,

seeing as we are all going to Hell.

Speaking of...

who here wants to play with the Devil?

Honestly?

Kinda down.

I'm kind of cool just kicking it

- and talking. - Chassy! C'mon!

Yeah, come on, Chassy.

Alright. In the shed?

- Perfect. - Perfect.

- Sure. - And then I say something,

We're talking about playing with Ouija boards.

Last time we talked to a really nice demon

named Hilgore who needed our help escaping from Hell.

We were useless.

He's still there, as far as we know.

Anyone heard from Hilgore?

- I have not heard from Hilgore. - I still think about him.

Well, Hilgore wasn't really giving us much to work with.

But maybe if, if Michael had been there...

you seem like the kind of guy who'd be good

at helping out a demon.

Is that a fair thing to say here, Michael?

I don't know. I've never played with a Ouija board.

Oh, word? Well, it's a lot of fun.

Yeah, it seems like a barrel of laughs.

Come on. Did you not hear what I said?

A demon named Hilgore.

That doesn't sound fun to you?

Also, it's not meant to be a barrel of laughs.

Okay? It's meant to be taken very, very seriously.

I mean, like...

Ouija boards are like...

a Hasbro game for little kids.

No, actually, it's for adults and it's pronounced

"wee wee" board.

"Wee wee" board.

Michael, it'll change the way that you look at everything.

That is so true.

You know, I didn't even believe in spirits

until I found the board.

Or until the board found me.

- Isn't it also-- - Or until we found each other.

Isn't it also true that you're actually

just subconsciously moving it yourself?

Last time we played, we talked to an angel that told us

that Chas and Emilie are soulmates.

And, in another life,

I was a goblin named Lord Tittyfuck.

I don't have the board here, though.

I think the last time we played it was at Dottie's place.

Oh, fuck. Right.

I mean, I don't mind waking up Roland again.

That's, like, the worst idea.

We should just go buy a new one.

Dude, if we visit Dottie a second time,

she's gonna have to come out with us.

- It's part of the rules. - Let's just leave her alone.

- Come on. - Don't you want

our friend to have fun for just one night?

- Dude... - Shut the fuck up

with that shit, dude. She's, like,

the happiest I've ever seen her.

Yeah, she's doing really great.

I guess everyone's okay with our friend being trapped

for the rest of her fucking life.

- Hales, stop, I'll stop, sorry. - It's fine, dude,

I'm going to the bathroom. Just chill.

Well, what do you think of the space here, Mikey?

It's pretty big, right?

You know, J.D. is always saying how big he likes it.

J.D., come on.

Whoa, doggie.

You finished your first? You should really lie down.

I was thinking about doing that but then I decided

to kill myself instead,

if you could point me to the butter knives.

God, you shouldn't joke about things like that.

My cousin is lactose intolerant.

Oh.

So, um...

are you actually gonna go get a Ouija board?

Dude, we need to go get a Ouija board.

Meaning that you and Chas want to use it

to pull a prank on Michael?

No.

I wanna pull a prank on Michael.

Oh, wow, going solo.

Well, I mean,

now you know about it, so I guess you're a part of it.

I guess I'm honored

You, uh... got any intel on Michael?

Just all I can find on Facebook

are his stupid parents' names

and where he went to high school.

It's like...

it's like we don't need a board...

we got a ghost right here!

Which was meant to be a bad joke.

My non-reaction was meant to be funny.

But the thing is, you always give me a non-reaction.

I think something's wrong with you.

You ever smiled in your life?

It's hard for me to imagine you having a thriving social life

in college with this attitude.

College is actually going really well for me.

Oh, I could not tell by looking at you.

You, on the other hand, look...

exhausted.

College has aged you.

Yeah, I know, right?

It's like, kind of fucked up.

It is because I haven't been sleeping.

Like, I literally cannot sleep at all.

I've been getting sleep paralysis.

I get it like once a week.

And when I get it,

it's the shadow man in the doorway,

just peering in at me.

Seems fake.

It's not fake.

It rules. It's like entering another dimension.

It's like...

I love my weekly visits from the shadow man.

That doesn't happen to me 'cuz I sleep really well.

Hm.

I said stop it!

Jesus Christ.

Sounds like the former rage-aholic frat boy

is coming out.

So glad he's here tonight.

And Emilie worked so hard reforming him.

Emilie's not what reformed him.

What do you know, Joe DiMaggio?

When he and Emilie started dating,

she told me some things that

explain a lot.

It's actually really tragic.

J.D., listen to me, look...

don't take for granted that I'm letting you in on my top

secret scheming, like, it's, just...

not even Chas knows about this.

So what you tell me,

it's strictly confidential, we have like a sacred bond,

it's like, fun, right...

He got in a really bad car accident.

Oh my God, is he brain damaged?

God. Well that makes things a lot less fun.

Why would you tell me that?

He hit a car that had three people in it,

and he was the only survivor.

What the fuck?

Why didn't I fucking see anything about that?

More, come on, where...

where did it happen? When?

Orange County. 2020.

His parents got a really good lawyer that was able to put

the blame on the other car and got the case dismissed.

Uh Michael, I didn't mean to, uh...

hurt your feelings, uh...

So, are you guys just...

hangin' out?

- Shootin' the shit. - Straight chillin', dude.

Yeah. Alright.

I'll see you out there.

The cap.

Wow, Michael, no beer for your girlfriend?

The dude's been through a lot. I don't think we need

to bring up his violent past tonight.

Dude, yeah, I know, that is like...

- Yeah. - I have my limits.

We should totally still get a Ouija board, though.

I am not going to pretend

to communicate with one of the victims

of his vehicular manslaughter I swear.

Like, seriously.

No, seriously, it's fine.

I'll just watch the car.

From what?

I...

He does have a nice butt.

It looks like your butt.

- Hey. - It's a good butt!

It's a good butt. What can I say?

He's a good dad in this book.

I love this... love "Everywhere,"

- what is it called? - "Everywhere."

You know these things work, right?

Bullshit.

Why'd you even come then, "Needle Dick?"

"Needle Dick!"

That's a throwback.

I'm serious.

Few years ago, I used to use one of these every week.

Talked to a demon named Seth, and, uh...

...come here.

He used to fuck the shit outta me.

THE HOLY DEATH

Gotta get the plastic off the portal to another world.

You're so funny!

Do you have quarters?

Oh! Yeah, uh...

- Oh! I do. - Do you have four?

Yeah.

I don't remember needing quarters.

Is that a new thing?

One time, Chas and Haley put quarters

in every corner, then asked the board to move them

and when they finished playing, the quarters had disappeared.

Um, what the fuck?

Sorry, I just told him about that.

It's a good story!

God, for a second I thought you were possessed by like...

- a ghost. - I thought you were possessed

by the "Princess" herself!

The one from the water towers that actually just turned out

to be Chas' sister?

Wow, Emilie.

Yeah, what an insane lie to tell your current boyfriend.

You know, we actually saw a real ghost that night,

and we have never been...

the same.

I must say, that night with the Princess

was mine and Haley's grand opus in terms of pranks

that we played on our little buddy J.D.

Um, excuse me? I helped too!

It's true, no, you were instrumental.

Uh, we used your girlfriend as bait,

because, as you know, we thought that J.D.

was in love with her but it turns out

that he was really in love with me.

Still worked.

We kind of brought you in last minute, though.

J.D. and Dottie were freaked out of their minds.

J.D. started speaking in tongues

to keep the demons away.

This is so much fun! I love reliving getting bullied!

I'm sorry.

"Bullied?"

How did we bully you?

You bullied me into going out,

and the only reason you wanted me to go out

was so you could continue bullying me.

Bullied?

What are you, in fifth grade?

Dude, we didn't do shit.

You went out with us because Emilie was there,

- and so was my little butt. - Chas, come on, Stop.

You're bullying me right now.

Dude, shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry you had such a shitty night in high school.

Stop being a baby about it.

That's what you're sorry about?

I'm sorry that we provoked you to... to what?

Speak in tongues? What do you want me to say?

I don't know, man. Pick any given day in high school,

apologize, and you'll hit something.

And stop insinuating that I was, like, in love with you.

Remember how Dottie was suspended like that whole year?

Yeah, I remember you telling me about that--

I even bought you booze that night.

Yeah, booze I didn't like.

She almost didn't walk in graduation, like, barely.

That almost happened to my high school friends--

Well you didn't have to go out with your friends

and you didn't have to drink your friend's booze either.

Okay. Wow. Chas wins, like always.

J.D. plays the victim, as always.

Chas.

Sorry, Mom...

and stepdad.

As a peace offering, you wanna play first?

I will go...

if you summon Seth the fuck demon.

"The fuck demon."

The... what?

Michael, my man.

You wanna go first?

Uh... I think I'm okay.

Oh, yeah. You don't wanna miss the televised

Legally Blondemusical that's airing in a few minutes.

You know, I was only watching that because I worked on it.

No, I get it, man. It's your baby.

I think it said, "Dedicated to Michael Kinkyfer"

- at the end, didn't it? - Keikhofer.

It did! But only after it said,

"Directed by Michael Kockoffer."

Actually it's Kiekhofer.

"Directed by Michelle Kockoffered."

It's Michael Keikhofer.

Michelle Kockoffer.

Michael...

- ...Keikhofer. - Michelle.

M-- Michelle Kocks.

Hey, would you not watch it if you weren't working on it?

Oh, wait, yeah, do you, like, not like musicals?

Yeah. Is it, like, too girly for you?

You know, you are dating

the former star of our drama department.

Oh, wow.

High praise coming from the memorization queen herself.

Oh, she's still got it, by the way,

There's this, like, suicide hotline ad

that she's got memorized by heart.

She's done it a few times today.

- You should really hear it. - Please. Do not.

Oh, I won't bore you with my theatrics, Michael,

because I do know that you hate the institution of theater.

I actually really love theater.

I love musicals.

One of the first things we bonded over

was both being in high school productions

of Beauty and the Beast.

No shit. Who did you play?

- The Beast. - Oh, my God.

Do you have any pictures?

- No. - Yes.

Please don't.

Come on, it's so good.

Oh, my God.

You look like Howard Stern.

So did the director choose not to give you any makeup

because you kind of already look the part, or...?

I actually did have makeup. I just don't have

any pictures of it.

You did have makeup?

You think I looked like that in the actual show?

I'm sorry. I don't know.

I obviously didn't get to see the actual show.

Yeah, Emilie didn't have to use makeup

in our production because--

Fuck it.

Let's play this Ouija board thing here, whaddaya say?

Oh!

Emilie didn't have to use makeup in our production

because she was so beautiful, huh?

Oh, Chassy.

Why don't you two lovebirds go first?

Shut up. But okay.

Don't worry about it, dude.

She's, like, really good at connecting with spirits.

Don't worry, though. It's just Chas' subconscious.

Ha. Ha.

- Are there any... - Is there any...

Sorry.

- I'll do it. - Okay.

Are there any spirits with us tonight?

Hm. Maybe we gotta warm it up.

Are there any little freaks with us here tonight?

What the fuck? They're not gonna respond to that.

They're gonna respond to it!

Well, hi. You so did that.

No!

Okay, maybe.

Are there any spirits with us tonight?

Do you have to keep asking that?

Yeah. You have to keep asking it.

It's only polite. Okay? This is a game of manners

first and foremost.

Em, come on, you keep on moving it!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

- You're banned. - No!

- J.D., come on down. - Kill yourself.

Alright. Hales, come on down.

Super disappointed in you.

See! It's so fun!

Is the Princess here with us tonight?

Sorry.

Are there any spirits with us tonight?

My God, it just got, like, so cold in here.

Yeah, it's kind of chilly.

Hello?

Hello.

What's your name?

Krem?

Don't be rude.

Sorry.

Hi, Krem.

Krem, are you a friendly spirit?

Krem, do you live in this shed?

Where do you live?

Heaven.

Wow.

- That's really nice, Krem. - Aw.

Krem, will you move our quarters?

Will you make our quarters disappear, Krem?

Say "no," Krem. Those are my quarters.

- Shh. - I need them for laundry.

Krem, do you wanna speak to our friend Emilie?

Krem! Dude! What the hell!

"No"?

Michael.

Krem wants a word with you.

Michael, this is huge.

- Nope. - Come on, babe.

You're blowing your chance to talk to an angel

in Heaven named Krem.

Yeah, for sure.

Ask it something personal.

Nah.

Hm.

Krem...

what was the mascot at Michael's high school?

Lions?

Emilie could've told you that.

Why would I tell them that? I didn't even know that.

What are Michael's parents names?

Robert and Denise?

- You definitely told them that. - No! I didn't.

I didn't.

Okay. Board.

- What's the... - Ugh. "Board?"

Their name is Krem.

Krem.

What's the name of my cousin Stephanie's friend

Matt's ex-wife?

Huh. I guess Krem doesn't know that one.

Nice try.

Babe, I'm not doing anything.

Ashley.

Is that her name?

Not even close.

Ashley...

...Davies.

Who is that?

Uh... is there something wrong?

What are you doing?

Having a conversation with Krem.

Why are you doing this?

It's not funny.

Dude, what's wrong? Do you know an Ashley Davies?

- Babe... is this...? - Why would...

what... what the fuck?

What's going on? Who's Ashley Davies?

Yeah, seriously, what the hell?

Fuck this. Did you say something?

I didn't say anything.

Can you say something?

Can you please not do this? This is really mean.

Wait, wait, it's moving!

Gina.

Is it just guessing the name of your girlfriend's cousin's

friend or whatever?

- Stop fucking with me. - Did you tell them?

I didn't say anything.

Tell us what?

Why are you doing this?

Are you insane? I'm not doing anything.

I swear.

- I can't be around this. - It's okay! Breathe.

What's happening to him?

Baby, calm down.

Chas, this is not funny.

Dude, I don't know what this is.

I feel like I kind of missed something.

It is kind of funny, though. Look at him! He's possessed!

I can't stay calm! I'm trying...

Maybe he's possessed by Krem!

Oh! Oh! it's moving again!

- See! It's not me! - Chas!

I'm not doing anything!

Bullshit, dude! I saw it move when your hand was on it!

What the fuck? No you didn't. It was moving before--

I need some fresh air, and... where's the button?!

Please calm down.

How do you get outta this thing?

I didn't, I'm not doing...

fuck you! Hales, come on, you're the one doing this.

Fuck you! I'm not!

I am breathing. I just need to find the button.

Can you just try to calm down?

Why didn't you tell me you were gonna do this?

Do what?

If you're not the one doing this,

then maybe we really are talking to something.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Fuck you.

Whatever you say. Oh! Oh! Krem's talking again.

I think this whole thing would've been funnier

if I knew what was going on.

I think you should stop.

Ooh, Diana.

Whoa, dude, is this what your performance

of the Beast looked like?

BE THERE IN 15

Lotta Chinese food in there, Hales.

I'm very worried about you.

Have you ever noticed how in movies,

whenever someone opens the fridge, there's always...

Chinese food inside?

I think it's because

it's much easier to put a Chinese food carton

inside of a fridge than, like, actual food.

You see it and you assume that there's food in it,

and so it saves the props department

from having to, like,

make actual shit

to put in Tupperware or whatever.

Allergies.

I'm allergic to cocaine!

I'm joking.

Are you okay?

Yeah, uh...

No, I'm...

Did you bring in the knife that was outside?

Didn't J.D.'s house have a painting like this?

No.

Then maybe it was someone else.

Um, you're, uh, you're thinking of me.

That's from my parents' place.

Are you fucking with me?

Are you sure that's not J.D.'s?

My parents have had that since I was little.

You and JD are friends now, huh?

We hang out sometimes.

Huh! Interesting.

When was the last time you saw him?

I don't know, I, um...

At a game night, I think. A couple weeks ago.

Games?

Hey, I love games.

Have you ever played, um...

what's it called?

Um.

Russian Remoulade?

Do you... do you mean Russian Rummy?

No, I mean Russian Remoulade.

My grandma taught me how to play this.

You never know either of your grandmas.

Then one of my grandpas taught me.

So, uh...

It's a lot like Texas Stakeout.

Have you ever played Texas Stakeout?

I've played Texas Hold'em.

I don't know what that is, but...

if you've ever played Texas Stakeout,

you would know...

that each player is dealt

five...

...and a half cards.

Now, this next part

is a lot like Goldfish.

Have you ever played Goldfish?

I have played Go Fish.

I'm losing my mind.

I don't know what the hell these games

you're talking about are.

Now listen.

I'm gonna need you to pay very specific attention.

You got it?

Yeah! Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, time is not part of the game.

Round one is very similar to Jack Black.

Have you ever played Jack Black?

No.

You gotta pull your jokers

and make them kiss.

I don't have any jokers.

That's okay.

For this next part, just, uh...

just put any card down that you want.

Very good.

As you can see, it's a lot like Pokemen.

Put down another.

It's a lot like Dos.

This game is a lot like capitalism.

Makes you think, huh?

My two grandpas taught me a lot about life

through this game.

Hey! I'm okay! Thanks!

I'll stick to the cocaine.

This game is a lot like capitalism.

Have I said that yet?

Fuck.

Fuck.

You're very good at this.

Well,

there's only one thing for me to do

when that card is drawn.

Did you play your last card yet?

Yup.

Good.

Good.

Um... good.

There's, um...

only one more thing we need to do.

- Cut the deck. - What the fuck, Chas.

What?

I didn't realize that you cared so much

about these cards.

What is wrong with you?

No, sorry. I'm sorry.

Gosh, I like...

I'm so out of it.

I'm... I'm really freaked out from when

when I thought that someone was trying to break in earlier,

and it was...

Sorry.

What?

That was me earlier trying to break in.

Huh?

I was trying to break in,

um, as, like, a bit,

but then I bailed immediately, and I just walked

around the area for like fifteen minutes and I got lost.

And that's how I ended up in your backyard.

But hey, I don't do bits anymore.

The "bit" was, um...

it was breaking into my house?

Yeah.

Good thing I didn't. You would've hacked me to bits.

So I heard that with this new

KFC twelve-piece tender meal,

they're giving away six free cookies.

See this guy?

Hey there, YouTube folks.

It's Scot from "Scot Scarfs It."

- Hey, come over here. - We made it.

We made it to the Holy Grail.

This guy eats food.

Goddamn time to get my goddamn KFC.

Here we go! Let's rock 'n roll!

C'mon, he eats chicken.

Oh, there they are.

- Lots of it. - Alright guys

take a look at these bad mamas.

See the pieces coming off here?

That's how you know it's really well made.

It is clinging to the ligaments.

Oh yeah, let's get a nice... Oh, look at that.

Oh, you can see the batter, the chicken's cooked

all the way through.

Wonderful.

Absolutely beautiful.

I gotta say, that's a... that's a solid tender

right there, my friends. That is...

definitely would recommend.

Scot would put this on the top.

Next thing we're gonna go for are these famous fries.

I remember when I was a little boy,

these things used to come in wedges.

Fries are actually pretty damn good, actually.

I had a wild dream last night.

It's kind of why I came to your place, to come see you.

This is true, it's not a bit.

Do you wanna hear it?

So I'm with you and...

we're driving along this hillside that's like,

catching on fire.

And there's a bunch of cars plummeting down it just

one after the other.

And you told me that you wanted to drive up it.

Because our house that we lived in together was there.

And I said, "Absolutely not.

I mean, the thing's like catching on fire,

the fuck is wrong with you?"

But I couldn't stop you.

So I just had to go with it.

So you started driving up the hill,

and we're like,

off-roading and, and jumping off of bumps and stuff,

and we get to the top,

and we hit an incline that makes us flip.

And so we're flipping

and crashing all the way down.

And it didn't hurt, but,

but I could feel, like, like every crash,

all the way down.

There was nothing I could do about it.

Hey, it wasn't your fault.

- It was just a dream. - Mm-hmm.

I should take off.

I shouldn't have come here.

I didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable.

Can I... can I borrow your phone?

- Look... - To tell my people up north

not to meet me here tomorrow?

Please stay.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Please stay.

Nothing to be sorry about.

But I am sorry.

I'm sorry for everything.

You have nothing to apologize for.

Yeah. Yeah I do.

Haley, seriously, stop.

I am...

I'm... I'm so sorry for everything.

You don't have anything to be sorry for.

I know you think you do, but you don't, okay?

Okay.

Say it.

What?

Say that you don't need to apologize to me.

I don't need to apologize to you.

Say it again.

I don't need to apologize to you.

But I do. I'm gonna need to apologize to you

for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry.

What happened that night wasn't your fault.

Can you say that for me?

What happened that night wasn't your fault.

Haley.

What happened that night wasn't my fault.

What happened that night wasn't your fault.

What happened that night wasn't my fault.

What happened that night was my fault.

What happened that night was not your fault.

What happened that night wasn't your fault.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.

Round and round the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran.

- Rabbit season. - Duck season.

Who's on first?

Oh, my God...

I have nothing to mess up anymore.

I'm--

Please don't hate me, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come in!