Original subtitles

Jesus, what am I?

Where are you?

What do you mean? I've been waiting here for like an hour.

I don't believe you sometimes.

Excuse me.

Would you mind if I join you?

I'm just about to go, actually.

Anything you see here for the price of a drink?

That bad, is it? I was doing all right, you know.

Not great, but okay.

Close to good.

But by the time my car got to this hotel, I knew I was well and truly

fucked.

Do you like games?

Normally, yes.

See, I'd like to toast my financial nadir.

Now, there's seven glasses of champagne in the bottle.

You buy the bottle, and if you can work out how I was rapidly decapitalised

tonight within seven questions, you can keep anything that you see here.

Well, obviously, I'm going to go for the car.

Whatever you like.

But I'm serious.

Every time I answer no...

I get a glass of champagne.

And that's it? That's it.

I keep on drinking until you get it. And if you do get it before seven, you get a

car and whatever's left in the bottle.

Have you got somewhere better to be?

Okay, fire away.

But I can only answer in the affirmative or the negative.

She was your woman.

She owned you.

You were late.

She decided to bail and cash you in.

No, to you.

You're projecting.

While I appreciate the vividness... Or, someone borrowed your car, and you've

just discovered it parked outside this hotel, bumper decorated with blood and

hair. No sob inquiries allowed, I'm afraid.

Who's your...

Was your business partner.

But it's still my accountant.

You can be a sick puppy when you put your mind to it.

So come on.

Put your mind to it.

Look, come on, I need some help.

What line of business were you in?

It's irrelevant.

But I'm no pimp.

Remember, always follow the money.

Okay.

Coming here tonight, you find your business partner's been playing away.

He's selling you down the road.

Too mundane.

I preferred it when your imagination was slamming it.

Time for Mr. Six.

Doesn't go off.

No fireworks.

Jesus.

Even I'm not that evil.

Besides which, insurance burnouts never pay.

But you think hard while I pour myself one more for the road.

You were wrong.

It has to do with property.

But then I think everything does.

Excuse me.

I have to take a slash.

No more tickets, is there?

Out of the standing room.

Just come on.

No more.

No, no.

Come on.

Settle. Come back tomorrow.

Boys.

Hey, hey.

Right

on the

big buddy.

He's mad.

I'm joking.

Who's that?

So what are you going to do then?

to be at London Square.

Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, a photograph, everyone. All right. Take a photo.

All right.

Right,

you all are going to have to really make it easy.

All right. Come in. All right.

All right.

Make it easy.

Come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Thank you.

Are you Ileana Douglas?

Yeah, I am. I can't believe this. I'm your biggest fan.

Thanks. Are you coming back on Six Feet Under?

No. Oh, why not? You were the best thing on that show.

Congratulations on your Emmy.

I didn't... The nomination.

Oh, thanks.

I loved you on Action.

Why did they cancel that?

I don't know.

Do you think they're going to bring that one back?

I don't think so.

Oh, grace of my heart.

That was like my favorite movie. My boyfriend and I went there on our first

date. I saved the ticket. You want to see?

Look.

What was the name of that movie you did with Kevin Bacon?

Stir of Echoes.

He hypnotizes you in it or something.

Stir of Echoes.

Anyway, I just want to thank you for all the work that you've done and all the

joy that you've given me over the years.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Paper or plastic?

Paper. Paper.

Sorry.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Oh, my God.

Ileana Douglas?

Yeah, that's me.

Did you hear what I just said? Ileana Douglas. I just saw her at the

supermarket.

I think she's working at this place.

Jesus, we should shop here more often. I mean, next thing you know, Mel Gibson's

going to be here.

That would have been a lot better.

Hey, Miss Douglas.

Miss Douglas, what was the name of that movie with you and Kevin Bacon?

My Steven says it was Stir of Echoes.

You're late again.

Get out. I don't want to see you anymore.

This bagging is not working out.

I'm going to show you the peer system.

When there's a price check, use a price check.

When there's a cleanup, use a cleanup.

Or spill?

No improvisation there, please.

I'm going to show you this right now.

Okay.

In here?

Right here. Just quiet, please.

All right.

Price check.

It's a little dull, Mr.

Babaramla. I can...

Price check.

Price check.

Price check.

Darryl Hannah, can you please see Mr.

Baba Rumla?

Darryl Hannah, please see Mr.

Baba Rumla.

May often go wrong Let them hear your voice You'll find that rhythm and

song Make the world rejoice Make life go with a swing

Laugh at trouble and sing Tra la la la la la la la Count your blessings

and smile While you're playing your part Keep a song in your heart

Tra la la la la la la la

Count your blessings and smile.

Sing low, sing high.

Isn't it grand beating the band?

Who wants to die?

Oh, what a happy life.

Show them what you can do.

Make a hullabaloo. Attention shoppers. Count your blessings and smile. Let me

tell you, there is a catch of spill going on. in aisle 5 that looks like

something out of a Brian De Palma movie. You might want to check that out.

Shop safely, though. Okay?

No improvisation here, please.

This is not Hollywood. This is my store. Please.

Try it. Okay, okay.

My boss is away at traffic school, so I'm going to be doing a little showcase

in aisle 2.

Thanks a lot. Shop safely.

I'm going straight to hell for this.

Replacing Ina.

That's not a can of chili. That's my vagina.

Thanks a lot. You guys have been great.

Hey.

Thank you, Sarah Silverman.

Well, it's a pleasure to be here.

I'd rather be on a film set. If this goes well, I'm hoping to move up to

aisle five.

I'd like to do my impression of a sound man telling a joke.

So this Irishman walks into a bar and he says to the bartender, wait a minute,

holding on a plane?

Holding? Holding?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor to introduce a good friend of mine who has

stopped by to support me. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Goldblum. Eliana. Hey,

Jeff. I thought I recognized your voice.

Hi. Hi. What are you up to?

I'm shopping.

You're so funny, Jeff.

No, no. I'm shopping. I'm making a cake.

Calls for chocolate pudding. But I left you a message. You said you'd stop by.

Jeff, what kind of cake?

I thought you were kidding about that.

No, no, I'm working here now. Jeff, you are?

Yeah. Jeff. What? What kind of a cake?

Are these friends of yours? Hello. These are my fans. Oh.

All three of them.

Congratulations. But anyway, look, you're here now. You're working here.

Jeff. What?

Un petit peu.

Un petit peu. Yeah, no, I thought you were kidding about that. You're working

here?

Really? Good for you.

Benefits, I guess.

Well, I get a lot of stale bread.

But other than that, hey, listen, you know what? You're here.

Why don't we do something together? I've always wanted to work with you.

No, no, no. I don't want to be in the show. Oh, come on. I've got all these

great things. I've got Spoon River.

I've got... I love Spoon River. You have that here?

Please. Please.

Please, Jeff. Please.

Oh, please.

What's going on here in my store? This is not a street fair. Get out with all

your friends right now.

Get out everybody from here. Take all your friends.

Oh, Mr. Jeff Goldblum in my store.

You're my favorite actor.

Oh, God bless you. I see all your movie with dinosaur.

Oh, such a fan.

Are you Nepali?

You just look like my cousin, Dr.

Raja Gopalan.

His name is Dr. Raja Gopalan.

Oh, really?

Yes, yes.

I'm sure that's him. Please, please, continue with your work.

Well, we're just, no, no, I'm just shopping here, really. She's working and

doing a great job.

Please continue, otherwise I'll cut my arm from the shame, my own arm in shame.

Please, please continue, please.

Okay. All right.

All right.

You're too kind. Thank you.

Look, this is a really tough day for me.

Maybe you want to go for a walk?

I mean, until it's the time you usually come home.

No. If you want somebody to go for a walk, why don't you go out?

Well, you know, Jeff, I don't understand. It just doesn't seem to be

very motivated, you know? I mean, am I crying here?

Should I be?

Am I annoyed with you?

Discover it organically.

You don't have to decide any of that. Let's read it through. See what the

words do to you.

Your instincts are right.

I said that ain't the job.

You say, what job? I say manhood. You say, I don't think manhood is a job.

And then I say, oh, it's a job done right.

It's a tiring job.

We all acknowledge the womb.

But there's another side that's not pretty. There's a Hindu deity in India

named Kali, the god of destruction.

I've heard of her. It's a woman.

She's got a bloody sword and an appetite for decapitation. In the West, we call

her the devouring mother.

Creation, destruction in every woman.

Every man must deal with these two sides, creation and destruction.

You've got to orient a woman in such a way so as to be facing her creative

parts. You want the creative parts, the destructive parts, you want those to be

facing away towards a wall or an enemy or something.

Jeff, I missed the beginning.

He's the lawyer.

Women consume.

And they must be directed what to consume. Or they may identify you as

lunch.

Is it?

Yeah.

Proper party, is it? Music, dancing, that sort of thing?

Well, yeah, probably.

Not a dinner party then, not sitting down, not a function?

No, I don't think so.

You don't seem to know much about it.

Well, we just know the guy whose girlfriend's friend's having it.

Oh, yeah, friend of a girlfriend.

That's nice.

What about you? You working through the night?

Yeah, I expect I'll work right through.

Still, you learned loads of money tonight.

Not everything, though, is it, money?

I say, it's not everything money, is it?

No.

It's years since I've been to a party.

Especially on New Year's Eve.

I usually work during New Year's Eve.

Michael.

All right.

This is very smart.

Thank you.

This is Paul. He drove us here.

It's all right to bring him, isn't it?

Hello, Paul.

All right.

Just go through, shall I?

I'm sure Jane's going to be delighted by him.

Yeah, I thought they'd get on. So where are the actresses? This is not a cattle

market. No, I know that.

Where are the actresses?

I'm not going to keep getting mixed up in your sordid affairs. I'm just asking.

Please, try and be good tonight, yeah? Okay.

I think you need a drink.

Can I have some champagne?

Oh, thanks very much.

So, who do you know here?

Michael.

Jane's partner. Oh, yes.

How do you know him?

Oh, we've been friends for a long time.

I knew him when he was Michelle.

Thanks for the champagne.

I beg your pardon.

I'm Hannah, by the way, and that's Caroline.

Matt.

Yeah, I should have learned by now never to go out with her. Yeah?

Yeah.

Because whenever I go out with her, men always come up to me and talk about her,

like, she's so beautiful and what does your friend drink, and it's Caroline

this and Caroline that, and I'm just getting really, really sick of people

coming up to me and talking about Caroline.

I'm sure that's not always true.

Yeah, well, it is.

I'm sure there's someone...

out there waiting to meet you. It's just that you haven't met them yet.

Yeah, thanks.

Look, there's someone over there I haven't seen for a while. I might go and

catch up with them.

Nice to meet you, Hannah.

Hannah!

I think I saw its eye move.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Vegetarian? No.

Can you just move your plate away, please? And give me your hand.

What? Give me your hand.

Oh.

That's very interesting.

So, what do you do, then?

I'm a taxi driver.

Oh.

You talking to me?

Yes.

You talking to me?

Taxi driver.

Oh, my God.

What? You're going to get married three times.

Oh, yeah.

You're saying I don't know how to read poems?

No. Well, shut up, then.

Let's see how many times you're going to get married.

No. Come on, I showed you mine. No. Come on. No, you can't.

Now then,

what are you going to tempt me with?

Well, how about some of this vintage malt whiskey?

Oh, I always get a bit out of control on whiskey.

Which he is, then.

Okay. As long as you promise to make me behave myself.

Why would I want to do that?

I don't know.

Say when.

Show me that hand.

No, no, no, the other way.

Oh, my God.

What? That is so weird.

We've got the same... in exactly the same place, look.

Don't you think that's weird? Yeah, it is.

Do you believe in telepathy?

Telepathy?

I don't know.

No, no, no. I mean, I'm open to the possibility of it. It's just... Okay, so

what am I thinking now?

Can you give me a clue?

It's a number between 1 and 10.

Seven.

Oh, my God.

What?

It was so seven.

Yeah.

Did you just get that really strange feeling just here?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I did.

You all right, mate?

So how did you get to be here? Who do you know?

Well, um... Andrew's really good mates with Bill. Andrew?

Andrew, he's my boyfriend. He's over there by the wall.

Oh, right.

What?

No, it's nothing.

No, what is it?

Well, why do women always do that?

Do what?

Flirt and give the impression that they're single.

Oh!

I'm sorry if I... I mean, I didn't mean to mislead you.

It's all right.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

It's a shame we didn't meet six months ago, you know? I was really desperate to

meet someone then.

Thanks.

Did you paint for Brock?

Oh yes.

Well it's not one of his best.

My father paid a lot of money for that painting.

Well he wasted it then, didn't he?

You weren't invited here, were you?

Of course I was.

You're not a friend of my father's? Oh yes I am.

We was at school together.

What does he look like?

Just like you.

Only a lot older.

Shut it.

Twit.

Really pisses me off, that bloke.

Why is that, then?

Every time we go out, he always manages to pull someone.

Do you have any idea who that girl is?

No. It's Jane's niece.

She's all right.

Nice.

Can I ask you something?

Sure. How old are you?

Guess.

Um... 32.

Very good.

Yeah? How old are you?

17. Uh-huh.

Is that a problem?

No.

Is my age a problem for you?

Age is irrelevant.

It's what's in here that counts.

I agree.

Do you?

You alright?

Yeah.

What's your friend getting up to with Leah?

Don't know.

Can you do something about it, please? It's really disturbing me.

Sorry, I've forgotten your name.

I know.

I'm Matt.

Yeah, you told me.

Sorry, what was your name?

I was Presley.

Mind if I sit down, Elvis?

No.

Hannah. Hannah. Hannah.

Okay, so what am I thinking now?

I think it might have been beginner's luck before.

Oh. Well, okay, okay, okay.

You are thinking of... a flower.

No. An apple.

No, why an apple? I don't know.

No, it doesn't matter. No, go on.

Give me a clue.

It's something I wanted to do.

Was it something you wanted to do with someone else?

Maybe. I'm just tuning in to your very particular vibes here. David, can I have

a word?

What?

Can I have a word, please?

Michael, can this wait?

No, I'm afraid it can't wait, David.

OK.

It was very close to a psychic experience there, Michael. David, do you

realise how stupid you look?

Holding hands with a 15-year-old. I'm not holding hands.

She's 17, not 15, actually.

Actually, she is 15, and you're also really showing me up.

How am I showing you up?

Jane is really embarrassed. That bloody taxi driver you invited has already

managed to insult the host's son. Michael, I'm just trying to liven the

thing up.

Yeah, well, you look pretty sleazy.

Listen to yourself. Just leave Leah alone, OK? And I think you should

apologise to Jane.

I'm not apologising to anyone.

No? No, I'm not.

Well, in that case, maybe you shouldn't stay.

You want me to go?

I think it would be better.

You... At what, 20 to 12?

You want me to go?

Yeah? What's going on?

He wants me out.

He wants you out? Yeah. Why?

Don't know.

Well, what are you going to do? I don't know what I'm going to do.

Well... I don't like this place either, so I could come with you. Yeah, no.

No, you can't.

Oh.

I just thought we, you know, had something.

Yeah, so did I, but... But what? You lied about your age.

No, I didn't.

How old are you? 17.

Well, I thought you said age was irrelevant.

Yeah, well, it mostly is, but...

But not with me.

Look, let's just take a rain check, shall we?

What's a rain check?

It means I'll probably see you again.

Yeah, well, I might not want to.

So I suppose I am creative in a way.

writer or journalist.

Right, so do you work for a magazine or...? It's a newspaper.

Oh. Yeah, please.

We're out of here, my friend.

What? Our Michael wants us out.

Why? Oh, he's just been a complete tosser.

Anyway... Look, I'm... I think I'm going to stay.

We'll go to the marathon.

I think I am going to stay.

Come on.

No, I'm... I'm going to leave it here.

Yeah? Yeah.

Okay.

See you later.

David. Yeah?

Have a... Happy New Year.

And you.

Paul.

Hi, how are you doing?

We're out of here, mate.

I'm already out of here, mate.

No, we've got to go. We've been kicked out.

I've got the backy.

Wacky backy.

We can go somewhere else.

Can't drive.

Can't drive now.

You sure?

Absolutely.

I'm here for the duration, mate.

Cat shit in the kitchen.

Well, if you lock him in, he's... I don't!

Cat shit in the bathroom. I don't worry about that.

Well, if you lift the window up a bit, we're ready, pass and go.

I'm just saying.

Clean it up, Julianne. There's the lock.

Don't bite your nails.

You want one?

Not for me.

Hey, what's for dinner?

Bangs.

Yeah, I'm okay.

I started my new duties today.

Yeah, it's definitely a good move.

I've taken over some of Phil Smith's duties. Ellery says he's not really in

tune with the department.

Doesn't have the effective people skills.

People skills?

Yes.

He's not very good with people.

People skills is the ability to deal with people.

It's different at work, Mum.

I'm better at work.

What's different?

Phil was very peeved at my promotion today.

He displayed, I think, the poor people skills that

caused his demotion in the first place.

No one in the division even liked him.

No.

No one was at all surprised when he was taken off the conference kit.

Well, except... except he, then.

He was surprised, all right.

Not anyone else?

Work is a social thing. You've got to fit in. You've got to work together. Not

rub everyone up the wrong way.

Oh, how about you, mister?

I'm sorry she locked you in again. She's in a real spin lately.

She isn't a real funk at the moment.

Oh, she takes it out on us, mister.

On us.

You know, and it is ever since she stopped work, I'm sure...

something to dedicate yourself to. You need something to work for, something to

work on. What's on?

Not you cats, of course, silly. We people.

See, cats, we're all happy, all just stretched out, cleaning away, but we

people, we all end up being thorough.

It's what I, we want.

So you stretch us out and we get, we get all in a funk.

We just don't know what to do with ourselves.

Bang. Five minutes in.

I've got mashed potatoes for us with our sausages.

And a zucchini each.

Not for you, but for your funny old cat.

There's no vegetables for you, Mr. Pussy Boots.

Yeah.

You have one new message received today.

Which one? My fucking wife. What do you mean, which one?

All right.

All right.

Maybe she'll help me God.

Don't bullshit me. Just let me talk to her.

Then where the fuck is she then?

No, she's definitely not home.

I don't know where the fuck she is. That's why I'm calling you.

Fucking genius.

All right.

All right. All right. I'm sorry.

Don't.

Mary, what do you mean he thought I was over there?

He called looking for you over there.

I swear to God, I'm going to kill him, Mary. I just, I called him on his stupid

cell phone. I told him. What, you spoke to him?

No, I didn't speak to him. I left him a message on his voicemail.

What did you say?

I told him that this is it, that it's over.

Yeah. Jimmy.

Vincent. Yeah.

What? I'm sleeping here. What's going on? You all right?

Listen, what day is it?

Oh, don't start with me. I'm sleeping here now. Well, I'm not kidding around,

so wake up, God damn it. I'm in trouble here.

It's Saturday.

It's early fucking Saturday morning.

Saturday, are you sure?

Vincent, what the hell's the matter with you?

Yes, I'm sure.

I thought, you know, maybe we lost the day there.

What happened last night?

Well, for one thing, you were pretty fucked up. Yeah, no kidding. I know I

was fucked up, but what happened?

Well, the last I remember, you were blowing some guy on top of the bar.

This isn't funny.

You fuck.

Cover left.

No. What, again?

Hold on while I alert the media, huh? This time it's different.

All right, all right. All right, calm down. Listen to me. She's gone.

Yeah? Did she take the kids?

Yeah, she took the kids.

Fucking bitch.

Hey, don't say that.

She may be a ball breaker, but she's a good mother.

Listen, get over here. All right, she'll be back.

Jimmy, the house is fucking empty.

Look, Vincent, she can't take your kids.

No. No.

It's empty.

Everything. The furniture.

The clothes.

She took fucking everything.

You're shitting me.

No, I'm not.

Now get over here.

All right.

All right.

I'm on my way.

Jimmy, listen.

Pick up a six-pack on the way, okay? I'm dying over here.

Vincent, you think that's a good idea?

Don't start with me. Not now.

How? You blacked out last night. This is not too cool. Yeah, I gotta hear this

shit from you.

Look, you know what? I don't care if you don't think it's a good idea. Just bring

me some fucking beer. I'm just saying maybe you got a problem.

You think so?

Well, you know what? I know I got a fucking problem, but I don't give a

shit. I don't give a shit.

Bring the fucking beer.

I'm on the way.

Jimmy.

What? What?

Nothing. Just get over here, all right?

Hello? Anybody here?

Who the hell are you?

I'm just here to look at the apartment.

What do you mean look at the apartment? This is my apartment.

I live here.

Sorry, mister.

I didn't know.

What, is she renting out the apartment right from under my feet?

Please.

Please don't hurt me.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Did Carol send you here?

I don't know any Carol. I don't know anything.

I'm just going to leave now, okay?

Listen, I didn't know I was bleeding. I forgot.

I hate this fucking city.

If you want the apartment that bad, you can have it. I give up. I'm going to go

to Jersey. Take it easy, will you?

This is just a misunderstanding, that's all.

Hey, you got a light?

I've been dying for a cigarette all fucking day.

Crazy or what?

What, are you leaving already?

Come on, this place ain't so bad.

You know what?

You're right.

It's not that bad.

Fuck you.

Keeping this apartment.

I love the view.

Oh, that's better.

Yeah. Feel better now, right?

That's good. I like a girl with a little spunk.

The name's Angela, and I'm a woman.

Yeah, whatever.

Stop calling me Mr., will you? You're making me feel old.

I know for a fact there's no view out that window.

I don't know what you see, but I call this a view.

I've lived here nine years.

And every morning I have my coffee and my cigarette and I look at that fucking

brick wall and I say to myself, someday I'm going to have my coffee with a view.

Every day I say this, Angela.

So don't tell me there's a view out that window.

And this is my apartment.

I live here.

It's mine.

So why don't you take your shit and go elsewhere and leave me alone?

I don't think so.

And there ain't no wall there, mister.

Vincent, you in there?

What are you talking about?

Oh, hi, Carol. How are you?

Where's Vincent?

He's not home. What do you want?

Vincent's not there? He just called me up. He said, come over and bring some

beer.

Vincent told you to bring that over here? Yeah, he said you weren't here.

Yeah, he said I wasn't here. Yeah, why, that would make it okay if I wasn't

here?

I don't know.

Jimmy, are you out of your mind?

I got my kids inside.

Look, I'm going to tell you right now.

You got two seconds.

If you don't tell me, I swear to God I will kill you before I fucking kill him.

Where is he?

Huh?

He's on his...

Where is he?

Where is he, Jimmy?

I thought he was in here. You're a little fucking liar.

You're a little liar. Do me a favor.

Don't come here no more.

Okay? You're a little fucking troublemaker.

This isn't my apartment.

Who's that out there?

Oh, that's my wife and my best friend.

And who exactly are you?

I'm your next door neighbor.

You know, mister, you're really messed up.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go home.

When?

Does that finish the bill?

Thank you.

Excuse me, lady.

Excuse me. This is for kids, not for you.

Please step out, please. Can I... I can't ride a little? Please, ma'am.

Okay. One more time, step out.

All right, all right.

You understand?

Okay. This is for kids, all right. Well, I just thought... Can I wait? Please.

Can I wait till the ride is... Please, ma'am. Please.

Oh, Jesus. Please.

You can go on out. All right, all right, all right. All right, all right. I'll go

peacefully. Thank you.

Have a good one.

Thank you.