Original subtitles

(light choir music)

- There's something I need to tell you.

Rach, there's something I need to tell you.

Rach, there's something I need to tell you.

(crowd lightly chattering)

(light guitar music)

- [Rach] Hey, Connor.

- Hey.

- Sorry, sorry.

- I thought maybe you bailed.

- No, no, I'm sorry.

Me and my housemates, we had little fat Labrador puppy,

that he shat, in the room, everything.

- Yeah, I hate the way he does that.

- I cut my finger on my tea bag

and then I didn't have any band-aid.

Anyway it's good to see you.

(light guitar music)

- I actually have something pretty cool

I wanted to show you. - Where were you on Friday?

- Isn't today Friday?

- Last Friday.

- Right.

- I had birthday drinks.

I was really hoping you'd come to that.

- Yeah, yeah that wasn't my fault.

- No, it's fine.

Don't worry about it, it's fine, you're busy.

- No, it's not busy, but I was actually waiting because--

- Hey, what is that, you look nice.

You've got hair gel.

- Mousse.

- Mousse.

- To be precise, a mousse gel combination.

- Can I touch it?

It looks crispy.

- Yeah, you can touch me, it.

- Touch you?

- Gross, why would you?

- No, I mean I don't wanna ruin it.

- I don't wanna ruin it either

because we have been friends for so long and--

- Your hair.

I don't wanna ruin your hair.

- Right, yeah.

Makes more sense.

I am really sorry that I didn't come to your birthday.

- It's okay.

- Rach, there's something I--

- Can I take your order, guys?

- Oh, sorry I haven't even looked at the menu.

- Yeah, me neither.

- You've been here for an hour.

- An hour?

- No I haven't.

- You didn't think to look at the menu?

At all?

You were just staring at her chair the whole time?

- What's wrong with my chair?

- Nothing.

- He was really just,

- Yeah it kind of does feel a little bit wobbly.

- Does it? - Yeah.

- Is it wobbly? - Yeah.

- Your chair seems fine.

- Do you wanna swap?

- What? - We'll swap.

'Cause if it's wobbly it's not safe

and I just think it'll be better if we swap.

- No, but sure, if that'll make you feel better.

- Excuse me.

- Thank you.

Sorry.

- Give you guys a few more minutes?

- Yes please, thank you.

(light guitar music)

It is wobbly.

- Are you okay, Connor?

- Why?

(phone chiming)

- It's just, I haven't seen you in like three weeks

then you invite me out to lunch and it's just the two of us

and you've put mousse in your hair

and I think you've attempted to trim your beard.

- I got you a birthday present.

- Really?

- Okay, so you remember the first time we met?

- Yeah.

- And we were in second year astronomy

and we were talking about the meteor crash in Tunguska.

- No, that's not where we met.

- What do you mean?

- We met at Paula's party in Blackwood, didn't we?

- Um, well...

- It doesn't matter, that's fine.

Astronomy, Tunguska, sorry, yes, I remember.

- Yeah, well we were talking about the unexplained explosion

that happened in Siberia in 1908.

(phone chiming)

And I was saying that there was no way

that anything from space could have survived that impact.

But you were very sure that maybe it did.

- Yeah I'm pretty sure it didn't.

- You were saying that you always wanted

too see for yourself, something amazing.

- Yeah.

- Well, the internet is a magical place.

(phone chiming)

- Sorry.

My phone, sorry, one second.

I'll just get that.

I promise it'll be just a second.

Jack from work.

You remember Jack?

It's nothing but he's been texting me a bit.

(crashing)

Oh my God, Connor, are you okay?

Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Is that my birthday present?

- Surprise.

- Is it a rock?

- That is a piece of Siberian meteorite

that I got off the internet.

I don't think it's real but

still maybe I could get you something

that reminded you of how we met.

Well, at least of how I like to remember us meeting.

You and I, astronomy

arguing about magic and astronomy.

- Connor.

Why did you get me this?

- Because it's your birthday.

Happy birthday.

Do you like it?

- Well, Connor, it's

(chair scraping)

What was that?

- The chair's pretty flimsy.

(gasping)

Huh, what?

Oh my god!

- Oh fuck.

- Oh my god, oh my god.

Oh no, let me down!

(screaming)

(crowd chattering)

Oh, Connor!

- [Connor] Does anyone here speak Russian?

- Russian?

- I think I got some of the weird floating

space rock on your chair.

- The real, the what?

- Have you got like a big ladder?

- No.

Hello, fire department?

- What the actually shit is going on?

- I'll get some cushions.

- No, I'm not gonna jump.

- It's not that far.

- Come up me then.

- I could catch you.

- Absolutely not, change this Connor

because just stop talking to me.

- Rach, of all the many, many ways

I thought today would end up,

I didn't think this thing would actually--

- All right buddy, just get back, man.

- No, no, it wasn't my fault.

- It's okay.

- I knew you had something funny going on with that chair.

Okay guys, just remain calm.

Yeah I called the fire department.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Hey, it's gonna be fine.

Okay I've done this before, just calm down.

(phone ringing)

- Hey Jack.

Connor.

Um, she is here.

She's occupied at the moment.

- You're being very difficult.

- I'm sorry.

What are you doing

poking me with a broom? - Will this make it easier?

- I'm up, I'm up on the roof!

- Grab a bristle.

- Actually, Jack, I'm gonna have to call you back.

- Sir, please I just told you to stay over.

- Connor.

Oh god, no.

Connor, what are you?

- [Connor] Oh no.

- Oh god!

- [Connor] Whoah.

- Catch that.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- [Connor] Not really sure what the next step

of this plan was.

- [Rach] No.

- To be honest I thought I was gonna be

the right way up.

- Yeah, ooh.

- You like your birthday present?

- It's the thought that counts.

Thank you.

- I really messed this up.

Hey.

Rach.

There's something I need to tell you.

(light choir music)

- [Woman] It's been six months.

- I just miss you, Jen.

- [Jen] This really isn't healthy.

I know you miss having a girlfriend, Max,

but we're done, over.

So just stop calling me.

♪ Eight pills on the floor bathroom open door ♪

♪ Eight pills will make them look at you ♪

♪ Send your way talking a smile ♪

♪ The longing that you couldn't hide ♪

♪ But I could see right through ♪

♪ Helpless open book ♪

♪ Still the pictures tell lies ♪

♪ Daylight night time ♪

♪ Early skyline ♪

♪ Nothing rhymes when you're blue ♪

♪ Gently anymore to you ♪

(phone ringing)

- Hi.

I'm looking for a girlfriend experience.

(knocking)

- [Woman] Max, hi, I'm Paige.

- Hey.

Come on in.

- [Paige] Thank you.

- It's nice to meet you.

- I'm your girlfriend, Max.

I'm not gonna shake your hand.

- Right.

- It's $200.

- Mhmm.

Yeah, it should all be there.

- Thank you.

And I'm gonna go into the bathroom and change.

- Great.

- Do you mind unzipping my dress for me?

- Uh huh.

- Thank you.

Oh and if you have any whipped cream,

I'm gonna need it.

- Uh huh.

(light rock music)

♪ She a sharpshooter ♪

♪ He's a lazy mind ♪

♪ She's a sharpshooter ♪

♪ He's got a raging mind ♪

- You wanna watch The Bachelor?

- Not at all, no.

- Okay well we're not watching football again

'cause you watch football all weekend long.

- I'm sorry, what?

- I'm saying, I'm always at your place

and we never get to watch my shows.

Do you not like going to my place?

Is it because of my cat?

I know Mr. Buttons can be a little picky but,

I don't know, maybe put a little effort in,

he'll warm up to you.

Some people say I look like Taylor Swift.

Do you think so?

Skinny jeans, sometimes they work on me,

sometimes they don't.

Why haven't you put the you're in a relationship

on Facebook yet?

Do you think that I should get bangs?

I just do whatever Rhianna does.

You know, with her nails and her nail art.

So then this girl was like

have you had a nose job?

And I was like uh, you can tell?

If we were a celebrity couple

our name would be Pax or Maige.

Which one do you like better?

I was like "Yeah I read, only on my iPad.

"What do you read on?"

She was like, "A book".

Sometimes I wake up and I think

what's a good new hashtag to use?

I have this idea and I am not comfortable

telling you about it yet

but I think it's gonna be huge.

What's my favorite color?

- Blue.

- Wrong.

What would you say if I told you I've had an abortion?

Twice.

(streaming)

I cannot keep plants alive.

What is that about?

It's like I wanna live by the beach

but I think I get so smoky all the time.

My mom's my best friend, you know?

That's the truth.

(flushing)

Anyway, I think I'm just gonna do a little bit of Botox

right between my eyes or something, no big deal.

- What is that?

- My mouthguard.

What, you want me to live with TMJ?

You're acting really weird.

Is everything okay?

- No, no, no, no actually,

you're supposed to be my girlfriend

and all you've done since you've been here

is yammer on about cats and your problems.

And you were wearing a mouthguard,

you were bleaching your mustache

and to top it all off, you're wearing sweats.

- They're comfortable.

- And you were eating whipped cream

right out of the can.

- Are you calling me fat?

- No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not calling you--

- Is this your ex-girlfriend?

- Yes it is.

- Why do you still have this?

Whatever, she looks like a whore.

- Okay, all right.

Are we ever gonna have sex?

- Oh my god, that's all you think about.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the only reason you're with me.

Well, joke's on you 'cause I'm on my period.

- I'm not trying to be negative.

I'm just telling it how it is.

- [Man] Come on!

- [Woman] And you don't know, how can you be so sure?

- These things never work out!

They don't, not for me.

It's destined to fail.

- Yeah.

We literally just got here.

No, she drove in with us.

Yeah.

- Is that, is that um,

- [Man] Yeah.

- (exclaiming) Yes, so exciting.

- [Man] No, dude, hey,

there's no reason to be nervous.

- I wish I could say his ex-girlfriend

was like this terrible person, but,

I don't know, she's pretty fun.

- Ex-fiancee.

- [Woman] What?

- Ex, she was his ex-fiancee.

- [Woman] (gasping) Ex-fiancee, hah.

(doorbell ringing)

(sighing)

- Hi.

Hi.

- Hi, hi.

- So how was the drive?

- It was all right.

Why, I don't know, I was pretty desperate

to go to the toilet halfway through.

I don't know, I missed the Arco

and so I just took this random exit

hoping to find another gas station and

I just ended up in a random neighborhood.

- [Woman] Yeah.

- Yeah. (chuckling) - Mhmm.

- I had to consider peeing on someone's front lawn

but it's not the best idea.

- [Woman] Mmm.

- So I just eventually got back on the freeway.

- Mhmm.

(laughing)

- You're doing great.

- Just does.

- Subtle.

- [Woman] So what do you think?

- [Woman] I don't know.

I don't know

what kind of guy he is. - Hey.

Old fashioned?

- No, sorry, I don't drink.

Sorry.

- [Man] I'll drink it.

- Cool, yeah, sorry.

- Babe, why don't you sit here

so that they can sit next to each other?

- [Man] She bopped me on the head

and dragged me back to her cave.

- Might be hard to believe but he was really hot back then.

Anyway, enough about us.

How'd you guys meet?

- Good one. - I know.

- That's good. - I know.

- I'm not very good at this.

- That's okay.

The last thing I'd want is to end up like them.

Well, good night.

- Good night.

- How'd you sleep?

- Meh, you?

- Meh.

Sorry, I'm just,

I'm an expert at sabotaging things like this and

I don't wanna do that this time.

I mean you're cute so we're here, right?

- All right, yeah.

I'm excited to being forced to get to know you.

(whirring)

- It's weird.

She hasn't fucked this up yet.

- Well, neither is he.

- What?

- And so,

would you be interested in that, maybe

and please feel free to say no.

But maybe having sex tonight?

- Yes.

Yeah.

- Okay.

(laughing)

(cricket chirping)

- Wait, wait, wait.

I haven't got a condom.

- What?

- I haven't got a condom.

I mean I do have a condom

but it's just in my room.

- Yeah.

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no don't put those on.

Don't put those on.

I dare you to go get it without putting them on, you're it.

What are you doing here?

Go to it, go!

- All right, fine.

- Go, go, go, go.

You could do it.

(laughing)

- Hope this isn't the best part.

- [Man] They say this is the worst drought

since like the 1800s.

And what are people gonna do if it doesn't rain?

And like the crops.

Part of me thinks it's pointless to even worry about.

It's like, it's inevitable, right?

And what do you think?

(laughing)

- I'm gonna get a ride with Kevin.

- Okay. - So, bye.

- Thank you.

- See ya.

- Think they'll invite us to their wedding?

- Wouldn't that be funny?

(jazzy music)

- There's no food.

- I know.

- What are we gonna eat?

- Let's go out.

- Go out?

- Why not, we never go out.

We're not trendy enough anymore.

I want to do something trendy.

- No one says trendy anymore.

- [Woman] Don't they? Says who?

- I don't know, they just don't.

It dates you.

- Well what do they say?

- [Man] They say hipster.

- You mean trendy is not trendy anymore?

- Definitely not.

- Goddamit, I'm so out of touch.

That completely proves my point.

We need to get out.

Let's go somewhere hipster?

- You can't say that.

We could go to a hipster joint.

- [Woman] I can't say that.

- Why not?

- Because I sound completely fucking ridiculous, that's why.

I want to go somewhere new, is that okay?

- [Man] It'll do.

- [Woman] Somewhere where everyone wants to go.

- Like where?

- Toast.

- Toast in Clerkenwell?

- [Woman] No, there's a new branch in King's Cross.

- So you are a hipster.

It'll be really hard to get into.

- We're always the last to go anywhere new.

I want to be the first for a change.

Then we get bragging rights.

By the time everyone else is going there,

we'll be like, oh no, we don't go there anymore.

Or if someone comes up to me and they say

"Have you been to the new Toast in King's Cross?"

I'll be like, "Yeah, it's okay."

Like I've been there a couple of times

and now I'm a little bit over it.

- It's not your style, you're not a hipster.

- Why can't I try?

- Because hipsters don't have to try.

- Hipsters spend all their time trying.

- It'll be full of young people designing apps.

Their facial hair will confuse you.

It'll make you feel uncomfortable and old.

- I can handle it.

- You can't.

On your head beard.

(jazzy music)

- I can take a picture of brunch and put it on Facebook

and that way everyone will know that we went

to the new Toast.

But in a non-obvious way.

- You can't do that.

- Why not?

- Because putting photos of your food on Facebook is banned.

- Really, they banned that?

- No, I banned it.

If you upload that I'll have to unfriend you.

- Damn.

Let's invite someone.

- Why?

- 'Cause we never go anywhere.

And this way they'll think that we go places all the time.

They'll think we're spontaneous

and then they'll tell everyone else.

- That we're spontaneous?

- Right, and then pretty soon

our reputation will be right back up there.

- All right, who?

What about Alice and Tom, they're always going out.

- No, they'll be at the gym.

They'll be away on a weekend in Oxford.

They're the kind of couple that know what they're doing

in December and July.

Everything about them is perfect.

The flat's perfect, the relationship's perfect,

their bodies are perfect, their diaries are perfect.

Besides, they're the one couple we know,

they'll definitely have already been to new Toast.

- They're a very impressive couple.

- They probably know the owner.

To them, it's already over.

You know when you wanted to go to Tanzania

and then Alice was like, "Guys, listen to me,

"you have to stay in the Victoria Lodge.

"It's where I always stay."

And when you wanted to go to Cambodia,

she'd been staying with

- [Both] The Prime Minister's daughter.

- So there's no point inviting them to the new Toast.

To them it'd be practically an insult.

It'll be more nuanced to invite them to McDonalds.

We need to find someone who's barely even heard of it.

I know!

I'll invite Jerry.

He's single, he won't be doing anything, he'll come.

- Jerry won't come.

- How do you know?

- Just call him, you'll see.

- No, Jerry will come, you'll see.

(jazzy music)

Hi Jerry, we're going to Toast.

You wanna come?

No, no, no, not the Clerkenwell one,

the new one in King's Cross.

The Clerkenwell one's over.

Oh you can't, that's a shame.

Oh I didn't know.

Oh of course I understand.

Okay, bye.

He can't come, he's got a new puppy.

- Told you.

- Well why can't he leave the puppy by itself?

- The puppy destroys the flat.

- But what if he has an emergency?

- It turns out his neighbor's a professional dogsitter

but he charges seven pounds an hour.

- So he can never go out?

- Only if he got a full time job to pay for the sitter

but then he'll have to work all week

just to pay for doggy daycare.

He's a prisoner in his own home.

(phone ringing)

- Oh hi, Jerry.

Oh you are going to meet us, great.

Who's looking after the dog?

Your sister, mhmm.

Oh yeah, seven pounds an hour, yeah he told me.

Hey look, will you go get a table

and I'll tell Jerry where to meet us?

So what type is it?

Shits on what?

(jazzy music)

Okay bye.

- They don't have a table.

Well they do have a table but it's an hour and a half wait.

- An hour and a half?

All I want is a bagel.

What is this place, a Michelin star fucking restaurant?

- This is the price you pay for wanting to be hip.

You've only got yourself to blame.

- (sighing) I know.

I'm starving!

- So am I.

- Let's go to old Toast.

- I thought you said it was over.

- That's just what I was going to tell people

if we went to the new one.

The thing about the old Toast

is it's for the more sophisticated bruncher.

The kind of person who's comfortable in their own skin

and isn't swayed by the superficial trendiness of new Toast.

The kind of person who doesn't care

what people think is hip.

The kind of person who is in fact truly hip.

- Is that right?

- Definitely.

- We're getting into the danger zone.

It's 12 o'clock, it's brunch rush hour.

If we'd gone straight to the old one,

we would have been okay

but we burned our bridges coming here.

We could get caught between the old and new Toast

and fall into the chasm in the middle.

- No, it's gonna be fine.

There'll be plenty of room.

No one goes to the old Toast anymore.

(jazzy music)

- What happened about Jerry?

You gonna ring him and tell him to meet us there?

- No, he's not coming.

He doesn't think the puppy's ready.

The sitter turned up and he bit him.

- Jerry bit him?

- No, the puppy bit the sitter.

You know, he'd have to take him on the tube

and he hasn't trained it

and it might see another dog and attack it, so.

- People who like animals fundamentally

are uncomfortable with people.

People disagree with you, people talk back.

People who like animals don't want

any of their opinions questioned.

And if you think about it, people who really like animals,

what animals do they like the most?

Goldfish, hamsters?

No, they like something that takes up a lot of space

but doesn't have a mind of its own like a dog.

It's like a person but it doesn't have any opinions.

A dog will completely do whatever it is you want it to do

and never answer back.

- As long as you feed it.

- [Man] Even if you don't feed it.

- What about cats, does that apply to cats?

'Cause I really like cats.

- No, the rule doesn't apply with cats

because cats don't give a fuck.

They categorically refuse to do what you want.

- Categorically.

- So they can't be substituted for people.

People never do what the fuck you want

and neither does a cat so it doesn't work.

- Beth used to have a cat that she trained to shake paws.

- Well you see what you have there

is basically someone who wanted a dog

but didn't want to put up with all the mouth dribble

and the smell and the fur.

I think Jerry's got that puppy

so he doesn't have to leave the house.

Going out, having to talk to people.

Worrying about what they think of you,

he just can't take it anymore.

Plus if he did go out,

he'd have to get back on the dating scene.

Find a girlfriend, all that girlfriend stuff,

watch movies he hates, eat food that sets off his IBS.

They'd go out for a while,

realize they have nothing in common,

then they'd break up and have to start all over again.

This is the perfect solution.

Somebody rings him up and asks him to go

to the new hip brunch place

and he says "I can't go out, it's the puppy."

The man's a genius.

- Are you sure it's Jerry you're talking about?

(jazzy music)

You get the papers, I'll get the table.

Pretty soon we'll be in brunch heaven.

(alarm beeping)

- [Man] What happened?

- An hour.

- An hour in not hip Toast?

How can you be expected to wait an hour

for somewhere that's already over?

- That's what I said.

The guy didn't seem interested.

- I've got an idea.

We could go to Marmalade.

- Marmalade?

- It's not as hip at Toast.

In fact, it's not hip at all

but if you think about it,

it's where we should have gone all along.

That would have been a truly hip choice.

- I really want to believe you.

I wanted to go somewhere new.

I wanted to go to new Toast.

I wanted to be hip.

- I know you did.

But maybe we have to admit

that we're more Marmalade than Toast kind of people.

(sighing)

(jazzy music)

- We need to find someone for Rachel.

She's such a lovely girl.

You must know someone.

Out of all your friends, there's no one

you can think of?

- Jerry?

- No, she hates dogs.

- I don't have any single friends anymore.

They're either in a relationship

or they're getting married or they're going

through a difficult split.

And if they're not in a relationship,

they've given up on dating and acquired a puppy.

What sort of guy is she looking for anyway?

- You know, a nice guy, thoughtful, interesting.

- There's Stewart, he's nice and thoughtful.

He likes helping people.

- That sounds perfect.

- Is Rachel bipolar?

- I don't think so.

- That's a shame 'cause he normally goes

for girls who are bipolar.

- No one has a tendency for girls who are bipolar.

- Stewart does.

- Oh she does get a little bit depressed sometimes.

Does that count?

- Oh, I don't think so.

Does she cut herself?

- Don't think so.

- Is she suicidal?

- Definitely not.

- Not even a little bit?

- No!

- Well it's a shame, 'cause probably won't work.

- What about Ben?

- Ben is in love.

- That's lovely.

Oh I love hearing about people who've found each other.

With who?

- The 19 year old Slovak waitress from Cafe Bohemia.

- Seriously?

- Technically they're not seeing each other.

He's ordered tea off her twice

and then he told her he was in love with her.

- And she said?

- She got a restraining order.

(sighing)

- Don't you have any normal friends?

- You said you wanted thoughtful and interesting.

Isn't she Jewish?

What about a Jewish guy?

- Oh yeah, like you know a lot of Jewish guys.

- Patrick's Jewish.

- Patrick is Irish.

- He's not Irish anymore, he's Jewish.

- Since when?

- About six months ago.

Now everything's Jewish this and Jewish that.

He keeps posting photos of himself on Facebook

at neo-Nazi rallies.

- [Woman] Doing what?

- Fighting with neo-Nazis.

He's very committed to his new identity.

- Patrick O'Driscoll doesn't sound very Jewish.

He sound Irish.

- His great grandmother's Jewish.

- That doesn't mean he's Jewish.

- He says if it means he would have ended up

in a concentration camp, then he's passed the test.

- That's not the only test.

- I said to him, "I didn't know you were Jewish."

And he pointed and said "With a face like this,

"I'm straight through those gates."

- [Woman] He doesn't look particularly Jewish.

- That's what I said, he looks Irish.

He's very enthusiastic about it.

He says if it's good enough for Hitler,

it's good enough for him.

Would you like a Jewish guy?

- No, not really.

She's had a string of bad relationships

with Jewish guys.

But she really likes Irish guys.

- That's a shame because he's not Irish anymore.

(jazzy music)

(chiming)

- [Woman] What did they say?

- They've stopped serving food.

- Motherfuckers!

God, I'm starving, what the fuck is wrong with these people?

I just want sodding brunch!

- I think we should go to Tesco, get some food

and have brunch at home.

- No, Tesco!?

No, we're meant to be going out to brunch.

This whole exercise was supposed to stand for something!

- Sometimes you have to admit defeat.

Hold your head up high and move on

or you lose your dignity.

- Is that?

Tom!

- Hi!

Didn't I just see you guys in Toast?

- Us? - Yeah.

- In Toast?

- The impossibly cool one in King's Cross.

- [Woman] Uh, not us.

- Definitely not us.

- No we can't be dealing with all that hanging around

waiting an hour for a table, no.

Haven't got the energy.

- We're over that kind of desperate behavior.

- No, I'm sure it was you.

The guy wearing that scarf

and someone wearing that coat.

Maybe you got brunch doppelgangers.

- Mhmm, could be.

- It was us.

- Yeah, I thought it was.

- We couldn't get in.

Then we tried to get into the old Toast

and we couldn't get in there either

and then we tried to go to Marmalade

and the kitchen's just shut.

- It's obviously not our scene.

We're not just hip enough.

- Plus I can't stand places like Toast.

Stuck up staff and dickhead customers.

- [Man] I thought you guys always went to places like that.

- 'Cause Alice likes them.

I like Marmalade, it's simple, it's unpretentious.

- Me too, it's comforting.

You can be who you are in Marmalade.

- Yeah.

- We were going to invite you

but we thought you'd probably be in Cambodia.

- With the Prime Minister's daughter.

- No, it's the King's niece, Tanzania.

- I didn't think there was a King in Tanzania.

- Oh, there's thousands of them.

- So how's Alice?

- We split up.

- Oh Tom, I'm so sorry

but you guys seemed so perfect for each other.

You had so much in common.

- That's what I thought.

I was wrong.

No, she likes going to galleria things.

Go to the latest brunch place.

I like staying in with the DVD.

She likes Toast, I like Marmalade.

She's hip, I'm--

- [Woman] Not hip?

- It's weird, I always thought you're more

of a Toast kind of guy.

Just shows how wrong you can be.

We always stay in.

- It's all we do.

- That's funny, she thought you were the trendy ones.

She said you were always busy.

That's why we never invited you anywhere.

- Us?

- Wow.

- Oh, you can't say trendy anymore.

It's not hip, it dates you.

- Really, who says?

Well no.

Oh, you're probably right.

I can't be dealing with all that bollocks.

I wanna be able to say what I wanna say,

eat what I wanna eat

and crap where I wanna crap

without having to worry about anyone thinks it's fashionable

or trendy or whatever.

- [Woman] I'm with you.

- Me too.

- Right, well, say hi to Alice

next time you see her.

- We're not really talking at the moment.

She got a new boyfriend.

She's seeing the new chef from The Pudding?

- [Woman] Oh Tom.

- It's all right.

She's probably better off in there.

(sighing)

Anyway, yeah, I'll see you then.

- Yeah. - See you around.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Bye, yeah we'll call you about dinner or something.

- Yeah, see you.

- Oh my god, that's really sad.

- I don't know.

- Why, what?

- Well he's probably relieved, all that going to Toast

when you're more a Marmalade kind of guy,

that stuff can mess with your head.

- I should probably ring Alice,

see how she's doing.

She's probably in Mauritius

with the Administer of Defense's cousin. (chuckling)

(jazz music)

I had a dream last night.

Chris Martin was giving away all our stuff.

- Why?

- I don't know.

First he gave away our sofa,

then our fridge then our TV to charity.

- That's a bit rich.

Why doesn't he give away his own stuff?

He can bloody afford it.

- That's what I said to him

but he just kind of smiled to himself.

I was really angry at first

but by the time he gave away everything I'd calmed down.

(jazz music)

I can't wait to make brunch.

- [Man] I'm hoping it's all right.

(crunching)

- Mmm.

- Mmm!

- Mmm.

- Delicious!

We never made it to brunch.

- This is brunch.

- If you have brunch and nobody knows about it,

is it still brunch?

- I know about it, I'm eating it.

- I wanted to be ahead of the curve just for once.

- We're riding the curve right now.

Maybe Chris Martin was trying to tell you something.

Maybe hipsters aren't really that hip after all.

- At least we have each other.

- Unless you're planning to leave me for the chef in Toast.

- I hear he makes very tasty bagels.

- Would you leave me for a bagel?

- I have all the bagels I need.

- Got a lot of that.

You know, it's a cuddle party.

We're gonna go in there smelling like alcohol.

- Well that's how you spent the last year of our marriage.

- Can we just go please?

- Yes, okay, fine.

Pass me my pajamas, okay?

I need to change.

- Fuck!

- Did you fucking forget my pajamas?

- I'm sorry!

- Oh, for Christ's sake, you had one job, Drew.

- You're gonna have to get cuddled in a business suit.

- Why can't we just go to couples counseling

like everybody else we know?

- Name one couples therapist

that hasn't been divorced like seven times.

Name one!

There are none.

We have to try this.

- You know what, I am willing to go in there

because I am not okay with the fact

that we are completely fucked.

- We're completely fucked!

- I said the word completely fucked first.

- I'm also saying that we're fucked at the same time.

- Cheese Puffs, as a snack?!

- Can we just please go?

- Everybody's gonna be covered in neon orange shmegma.

- They won't be covered in it

because we're gonna put your Purell

right by the bowl.

- Wear your sweatpants.

- Oh I'm sorry that I'm comfortable.

Let's just fucking cuddle these people.

- [Woman] To the right, and to the left again.

Yup, lots of joy.

Room full of joy.

- Knock knock.

- Oh!

Jane and Drew I presume.

We're just finishing some icebreaking exercises

so feel free to come in

and set up your nest as quickly as you can.

Okay so we're a tad behind right now

so we're gonna start to pass around the talking stick, okay?

So when you have the talking stick

please respect others with your silence, okay?

Who wants to go first?

Let's start with you.

- Hello and namaste, everyone.

I'm Perry Nanda and this is my wife and life partner Grace.

We're here to both center our heart chakras

and rekindle that bond of intimacy

before we bring a life into this world

in just a few short weeks.

- Ugh. - Namaste.

- [Woman] Lovely.

(clearing throat)

- Hello everyone.

This is Billy and I'm Wesley

and we just thought this would be a more centered way to,

an anti-pharma way to deal with

Billy's erectile dysfunction.

- You know, your openness is inspiring.

- Thank you.

- Really?

- [Wesley] Yeah sure.

- Thanks.

So we are Fred and Trish.

And after we lost Trish's mother to cancer,

we lost a little piece of ourselves, I guess, like.

(pump whirring)

- Uh, Jane, Jane, Jane.

Um, maybe just the comforter would be fine?

- Just blowing it up, keep talking, I'm listening.

- One minute, I'm sorry.

No, no, Jane, Jane, no ,no.

Really, just the comforter.

- She's got a coccyx thing.

- Yeah.

- Jane, you don't have the stick.

Fred has the stick.

Fred, could you please continue?

- So this is the one year anniversary of losing Suzanne

to a long, very courageous battle

with a type II lymphoma that just,

- Drew, Drew?

- You said the comforter.

- Yeah, not the time.

- Yeah, finish up that cancer.

- Oh, okay, I guess it's our turn.

Don't know where it's been.

Good thing I brought the Purell.

- Just start talking. - Okay.

(sighing)

I'm Jane, this is Drew.

How to say this.

- Just go.

- I cheated.

Yes I did, there it is.

I had an affair with a coworker, okay?

So just savor that in your mouth for a little second.

And this one over here

insists on acting like he just does--

- 'Cause I don't.

- He refuses to show any passion, none,

unless you count his ever changing careers

which he uses as an excuse to stay at home

and just play on his Xbox all goddamn day.

- I'm a professional gamer.

- And just hurl really passive-aggressive attacks at me

and my job, right? - Tell them what you do.

- As if working for the Department of Defense,

being a lawyer for the Department of Defense

is working for Satan.

- Yes, you're with me on this, right?

Unbelievable. - Anyway.

Where was I?

- I never asked for a divorce.

- No, Drew because you don't ask for anything.

You don't say anything, you don't talk about anything.

I'm really, I'll be honest

I'm really starting to feel just completely invisible.

I mean husbands, how many of you would notice

if your wives

wax their initials in their bush?

- [Drew] Please don't go into this.

- Okay.

- Do you ever wax?

- That's it, hey hey, give me the stick.

- You seemed real serious about a razor over there.

- Okay I have the stick.

Okay?

- It's a Comic Sans.

- You don't have the stick.

Facing your partner, legs crossed.

I want you to get as close as you can

to each other without touching.

Okay I want you to breathe in, breathe out, relax.

I want your eyes to lock into the gaze of your partner.

And I want you to communicate only with that gaze.

Nice, breathe in.

Breathe out, as you lock your eyes.

- Alison, point of order.

- All right, all right, you know what?

Right now we're using our quiet voices.

- Uh huh yeah.

What are we supposed to be communicating?

- [Alison] You communicate whatever you want.

- Okay, what does it look like he's communicating right now?

- I don't know.

- Do you see that?

- I see nothing.

- He hates my fucking face.

- I do not.

- Yes you do.

- Alison, that's not what I was communicating.

If I wanted to say that,

I would look more like this.

- Okay, do you see what he's doing?

- You know what, you know what's great about this?

You're communicating, even if it's not what you want to hear

so all we have to do is get to that next level.

We do it without speaking.

- You cheated.

- Can I have the talking stick?

- [Alison] You cannot.

- Just for a second. - No.

Okay, to keep loosening up our cuddle muscles

I want us to move into a four way hug.

- Oh god.

- [Alison] So feel free to leave your partner

and share your energy with the room.

It's okay, yup.

I'll share your energy. - Did you wanna?

Were you, is that a,

were you trying to let me know?

- Would you like to come up here?

- Am I in your way?

- [Alison] Find your four way hug partners.

Embrace your partner.

- Oh you guys, before you lock it up.

- We're pretty locked up, actually.

- How about everybody down here,

is everybody good right now?

- Now, I want everyone to breathe out

everything that's keeping you from complete

and total relaxation.

Remember that we're all learning how to be intimate again.

So anything that does not serve your spirit

and your mind and your body, just push it out.

- Ugh.

- Oh, oh can you hear that?

That's someone reconnecting with their pleasure center.

- Oof.

- Ooh.

- Uh huh, because our reptile brains

are programmed for intimacy.

It's society that cuts us away from our roots.

- Ooh.

- Yes.

- Oh no. - Oh my.

- Oh no.

- Oh that's nice, that's nice.

Yeah, yeah, let it out.

Breathe it out.

- Ooh!

- [Drew] Ooh woo woo!

- Oooh yeah, oh no.

- Okay well you know,

we wanna stay clear of the sexual side of things.

This is just relaxation.

- Brrr!

- Yes, that's great you guys. (clapping)

Okay, I think we did it.

I think you've all earned a snack

before we get into our freeform cuddle exercises, okay?

- [Woman] For seven years

and I haven't even met her parents.

- It's okay.

I mean you just focus on your relationship.

- He's met my parents.

Several times.

- You don't wanna meet her parents.

Meeting in-laws is,

she's doing you a favor.

- Jane just told me she doesn't really like kids, you know?

She thinks they're like little people.

- We all have our problems, that's why we're here.

- Yeah.

Sorry about your dick.

- Drew, could I speak with you in private please?

- Sure.

- Some of the other cuddlers have been suggesting

that you've been making them feel uncomfortable,

that you've been manifesting some palpable negative energy

towards each other.

- Oh well, I mean,

- That. - Okay, we have issues

but so do they.

- Yeah.

- I mean nobody comes here because they want to.

- There's a lot of people that come here

without having to, Jane.

- If I could say this,

I feel like we're doing a pretty good job

of keeping our personal stuff on the DL.

- What I need from you is for you to stay here.

I want you to breathe.

I want you to find your calm place.

And then I want you to return only when you're ready

to connect and communicate with respect for everyone.

- So here's what we'll do.

We'll be aware of it.

We're gonna be

reflecting on it. - You reflect on it.

- And then we're gonna move forward.

- Okay, all right.

It's time to start the second half

of our cuddle journey this afternoon

where we begin by expressing what we learned so far.

Dakota, would you like to go first?

- You know what, I'll tell you what I've learned.

I've learned that one of you cuddlers

has been talking smack about Drew and me behind our backs.

- [Drew] Yeah, who said shit about us?

- Jane, sweetheart, you do not have the stick.

- Okay, fine, then give me the talking stick please.

- No.

- You're not even talking, give me the talking stick.

- I have the talking stick

and it is not your turn!

- No. - Dakota, don't be a dick,

just give my wife the talking stick.

- [Jane] Yeah, Dakota.

- Give her the talking stick.

- No, no, no man, no.

- Give it to her!

(gasping)

- That stick was blessed!

You will apologize now from a place of sincerity

so we can continue with this afternoon!

- Now, nobody is apologizing for anything.

- Yeah, my wife does not apologize.

- Okay you know what,

I'm sorry.

There, you like that?

Here's your moment 'cause you were right.

Drew and I are horrible, insufferable,

self-centered, judgemental people.

But, newsflash, so is everybody else here.

And just like everybody else,

we deserve the same treatment

which is to just, I don't know,

just be acknowledged!

That's all I want!

It's all I want, starting with you, Drew.

I hate myself, okay?

I hate myself.

I hate myself for betraying you.

I hate myself for betraying us.

I felt like I had to do something to get your attention.

'Cause I love you.

- Look I mean, yeah.

You fucked up.

You fucked up our lives

and then I fucked them up too because I shut you out.

You know, I did, I shut you out

because I wanted to hurt you

in the same way that you hurt me.

And that's so fucking dumb.

You can't live like that, that's not a marriage.

What's that gonna do for us?

We could do that for the rest of our lives.

I don't wanna do that.

(crunching)

I don't wanna be here with these people.

I wanna be home with you because I love you too.

I don't think this cuddle party's gonna help us though.

So let's get the fuck out of here.

- [Jane] Yeah let's get the fuck out of here.

- That's my blanket.

- Don't forget my air mattress.

- This is mine.

(choking)

- Oh my god, babe.

Breathe.

Oh my god, someone help him.

- I'm a nurse.

Okay, okay, he's choking.

I'm a nurse, no problem.

Let's get him on his side.

Put him on his side, I'm gonna administer the Heimlich.

- Somebody call 911!

- Just need to clear the airway.

- Don't cuddle him, man.

- I'm administering the Heimlich.

(zipping)

(siren sounding in distance) (somber music)

- I don't know what to say, I mean.

- I don't know what to say.

- I feel,

I mean I feel terrible.

I will say this.

Everything apart from that,

worked, right?

Even I feel,

- It did.

- I feel like it did, right?

- It did, it worked.

I mean for us.

- I think so. - It did.

I didn't,

- I was very surprised.

- Did not expect that, no.

Do you wanna,

I mean shouldn't we,

like do we go home and,

do you wanna go home and cuddle?

I mean cuddle?

- Do you wanna cuddle me?

- Do you wanna cuddle me?

- No? - I feel like no.

- You are hostile towards my boots!

- You don't appreciate my sense of humor!

- They are boots!

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

(slamming)

- You did not!

(kooky music)

- Good fucking luck finding someone

as kickass as me.

- That's right.

- [Woman] You know what, Court?

- Hmm.

- I'm actually real sad for him, you know?

- Good for you.

- 'Cause he is just gonna live this like

super lonely, just regrets all over the place

and I am in the line for awesome town.

Nothing but awesome.

- Yes.

You have cheesecake in your hair.

- Are you serious? - Mhmm.

For two days now.

- Oh my god.

I'm sorry.

- Oh honey, this hasn't been treated yet.

- This is you, man.

This is you.

All right.

(groaning)

(sighing)

Right, let's do it, let's do this.

Starts with me.

Yes!

Whoo!

(heaving)

- Nick?

Hey, what's up man?

How's the missus?

See you at the top?

(kooky music)

- Okay Brad, so this one just came on the market.

If you wanna take a look.

- It's so angular.

I hate it.

Write this down.

I need an infinity driveway.

I need a library with books already in it.

I want something like Victorian

but also like mid 19th century.

I'm allergic to carpet.

Does it come with an American flag?

I don't do traditional.

I don't do mid-century Mediterranean.

I don't do contemporary.

I don't do blue!

I don't do picket fences.

A horse stable would be nice.

This literally makes my eyes hurt.

Is that a free-standing mailbox?

Ugh, why are you doing this to me?

How many texts did I send you?

- I don't know, like 34.

- No, 35 ,coz I just sent you one that says you're fired.

(screaming)

- I feel happy.

I feel really happy.

I feel like, ah!

This smells amazing, what is this, coconut?

- [Nick] That's orange cream.

- [Patient] Orange cream, where'd you get that?

- [Nick] Costco.

- I feel like I'm like,

like I'm a human joy bomb, you know?

Like being in this relationship,

I just feel so good.

I feel so good, my knees are literally weak.

The stuff with my mom,

couldn't care less anymore.

I have not had a single suicidal thought in months.

I used to feel like I was being crushed by this weight

but now I'm just free, I feel great.

I feel so happy!

It's because of love, love!

Love!

Oh my god.

- Okay, bye bye.

(kooky music)

- You sure you don't need anything else?

Any tea, sparkling water, hot cocoa?

- He's fine, honey, don't treat him like a child, he's fine.

- Okay.

- Actually, hot cocoa,

that sounds good, I'd like it if you have it

with like a little hot milk.

- Really?

That takes like five minutes to make.

- What are you doing?

- Well it just takes a long time.

- You offered him a hot cocoa,

now you don't wanna make it? - Well I didn't

really think about it.

Do you really want that?

- [Man] He just said he wants it.

You offered it to him. - I don't know.

Well I offered it.

- Make him a hot cocoa. - He goes to sleep on,

- It's not a big deal.

- I don't think he really has thought it through.

- Don't, please don't do this. - Are you sure you want that?

If I'm gonna go make that and spend

the extra five minutes. - Nick?

Do you want a hot cocoa?

Yes or no?

In your own brain, decide it.

- No?

- See, thank you very much.

- All right.

Night, night, bud.

- [Toy] Level one, let's have some fun.

Level two, let's learn something new!

- [Woman] Oh, okay, oh yeah!

(moaning)

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Oh my god, oh my god.

Oh my god, space alien meter maids!

(groaning)

Oh this is one of those that comes back around.

Oh yeah!

(kooky music)

- Hey, Disco Booties please.

- [Woman] So it's that kind of night.

- Yeah.

(sexy music)

What's your name?

(kooky music)

(somber French music)

(kooky music)

- Is that a sombrero?

No, as they say in Mexico, sayonara.

Let's see what else.

What, cowboy boots, no.

- What's wrong with-- - No.

It makes you look like a,

I don't know, like you wanna eat nachos or something.

Just delete it, delete it.

See, I like the instinct to have a bikini shot

but the shadow right there makes it look like

you have a penis.

That makes you look like a radical Islamist.

You should never wear burgundy.

You don't look good in baseball caps.

What are those pants?

You look like an astronaut.

No one wants to see that.

Delete that, delete that.

Delete, delete that.

Delete, delete.

Just delete it.

Gone. (chuckling)

This is the kind of thing I wanna see, okay?

I mean you gotta show guys that you're hot

but approachable, you know?

A girl who's like just as comfortable in heels

out on the town as she is at home on the couch

curled up with her guy watching a movie.

- But I'm not.

- Zip it.

I'm gonna write that down, that's good.

I'm just as comfortable.

- Not me.

- It's not about you.

- I gotta get you under a tether ball league

or something, get some action shots

to augment your profile.

Okay, oh tomorrow we gotta get a picture of you

being good with kids.

Okay but not as your profile pic

or people will think you're a baby daddy.

Can't do that.

- You need to get a pic of just your tongue like this.

- What?

- Yeah, so the girls can put it up to themselves

and see if they like, it makes sense for them.

- Are you kidding me?

- Or like do one where you do the Nick dance.

Can you put Youtubes on the profiles?

- No, he's not putting that, no.

- You should use that pic from that racist party

that we had in college.

- Oh gosh.

- Babe, you're-- - Just to be like

I got a sense of humor, I've grown, but

I'm cool like that.

- You're disgusting me right now.

- Bing bong, triple word score!

- Ugh, redhead.

No that's dangerous.

Oh, you are cute.

Yeah, and psycho, barely.

(retching)

You are not a doctor. - No.

No.

- Hey.

Good morning. - What?

No, no. - That's the one.

- Fuck no.

No.

Who does that?

What the fuck?

No, oh that was all right.

That's all right, yeah. - Oh!

Oh!

Okay.

All right then we shall. - This is my life.

- This is,

this is weirdly easy.

Mhmm.

Nice.

(flushing)

(phone ringing)

Hey mom.

(kooky music)

- First date!

- My horoscope said today

that I was gonna meet my soulmate.

- Ooh, no more nerves.

Okay, no more nerves.

(baby crying)

- Did I really not mention this?

- I have a girlfriend right now, I do.

But I plan to break up once I find the right person.

- My ex-girlfriend. - Ex-girlfriend?

- Just, yeah, and it looks like she is on a date.

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

- You like poetry?

Hell yeah, I'll answer for you.

Hell yeah you do.

Who doesn't love poetry, right?

You're a chick, right?

Actually, let me check.

You're a chick, right?

- What if you just took that sweater off?

It's a party here.

- Dogs.

- I love dogs, are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

- Cat.

- Cat, I, cats.

- Do you mind, like I'm sorry, just a second.

Come here, put it in there.

There we go.

- Oh my god.

- Now we can talk.

- How tall are you?

Just wondering.

- [Woman] Oh I'm about 5'7".

- 5'7", okay.

My current girlfriend's 5'6" so you win.

- Is he like, is he better-looking?

- Just take it off, just take it off!

- This is what's wrong with men.

- Everybody, take it off, take it off!

- No I'm just really sick of this!

- Shh, you should take it off.

- Laugh.

(laughing)

Now feel my bicep.

- You sitting here are so fricking hot.

You get me going in the right spot.

- (laughing) Kiss me, kiss me.

- [Woman] Oh, oh.

- I mean it's like I'm cooking,

I'm a boiling pot.

So take off your pants, show me what you got.

- They're not showing, are they?

- No, doesn't appear so.

- Well they're idiots.

- Uh, totally.

- Uh-huh.

- That's just 'cause we're so awesome.

- I was gonna say.

I'm Nick.

- Tea.

- Nice to meet you, Tea.

- Likewise, Nick.

(light guitar music)

(light jazzy music)

(dinging)

- Thank you.

(dinging)

- Excuse me, is this chair taken?

- Excuse me?

- Is this taken?

- Yes, it is.

- Oh, sorry.

- Sure thing.

(dinging)

- Excuse me, is this chair taken?

- Excuse me?

- Is this taken?

- No, but I'm expecting somebody in a minute.

- Oh, thanks anyways.

- Sure thing.

(bell dinging)

- Excuse me.

Is this chair taken?

- No, but I'm expecting somebody any second.

- Would you mind if I sat here

until he, she, or it comes?

- Hmm, they do seem to be pretty late.

- You never know who you might be turning down.

- Sorry, nice try though.

- Sure thing.

(bell dinging)

- Is this seat taken?

- No it's not.

- Would you mind if I sit here?

- Yes, I would.

- Oh.

(bell dinging)

- Is this chair taken?

- No it's not.

- Would you mind if I sit here?

- No, go ahead.

- Thanks.

Every place else seems to be taken.

- Mhmm.

- Oh, what's the book?

- I just wanna read in quiet if you don't mind.

- Oh, sure thing.

(bell dinging)

- Every place else seems to be taken.

- Mhmm.

- [Man] Great place for reading.

- Yes, I like it.

- [Man] What's the book?

- The Sound and the Fury.

- Oh, Hemingway.

(bell dinging)

What's the book?

- [Woman] The Sound and the Fury.

- Oh, Faulkner.

- Have you read it?

- No, actually.

I've sure read about it though.

It's supposed to be great.

- It is great.

- I hear it's great.

Waiter?

(bell dinging)

What's the book?

- The Sound and the Fury.

- Oh, Faulkner.

- Have you read it?

- I'm a Mets fan myself.

(bell dinging)

- [Woman] Have you read it?

- Yeah I read it in college.

- Where was college?

- Oral Roberts University.

(bell dinging)

- Where was college?

- (snorting) I was lying.

I never went to college.

I just like to party.

(bell dinging)

- Where was college?

- Harvard.

- Do you like Faulkner?

- I love Faulkner.

I spent a whole winter reading him once.

- I just started.

- I was so excited after reading 10 pages

that I went out and bought everything he wrote.

It was one of the greatest reading experiences of my life.

All of that psychological understanding.

Page after page of gorgeous prose,

his profound grasp of time and human existence.

The smells of the earth.

What do you think?

- I think it's pretty boring.

(bell dinging)

- What's the book?

- The Sound of the Fury.

- Oh, Faulkner.

- Do you like Faulkner?

- I love Faulkner.

- He's incredible.

- I spent the whole winter reading him once.

- I was so excited after 10 pages,

I went out and bought everything else he wrote.

- All that incredible psychological understanding.

- And the prose is so gorgeous.

- And the way he grasps the mystery of time.

- And human existence.

I can't believe I waited this long to read him.

- Well, you never know,

you might not have liked him before.

- That's true.

- You might not have been ready for him.

You have to hit these things at the right moment

or it's no good.

- That's happened to me.

- It's all in the timing.

My name is Bill, by the way.

- I'm Betty.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Yes, I thought reading Faulkner was a great experience.

- Yes.

- The Sound and the Fury.

- Hmm.

Well, onwards and upwards.

- Waiter?

(bell dinging)

You have to hit these things at the right moment

or it's no good.

- That's happened to me.

- It's all in the timing.

My name is Bill, by the way.

- I'm Betty.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Do you come in here a lot?

- Actually I'm just in town for two days from Pakistan.

- Oh, Pakistan.

(bell dinging)

Do you come in here a lot?

- Every once in a while, do you?

- Not so much anymore.

Not as much as I used to

before my nervous breakdown.

(bell dinging)

Do you come in here a lot?

- Why are you asking?

- Well, just interested.

- Are you really interested

or do you just wanna pick me up?

- No, I'm really interested.

- Why would you be interested

in whether I come here a lot?

- Just getting acquainted.

- Maybe you're only interested for the sake

of making small talk long enough

to ask me back to your place

to listen to some music,

or because you cut this great directors cut

or because you've got this terrific

unknown Django Reinhardt vinyl

only all you really wanna do is fuck

which you won't do very well,

after which you'll go into the bathroom

and pee very loudly.

And then you'll proceed to go into the kitchen,

get yourself a beer from the refrigerator

without asking me whether I'd like anything

and then you will proceed to lie back down beside me

and confess that you've got a girlfriend named Stephanie

who's been away at medical school in Belgium for a year

and that you've been involved with her off and on

in what you call a very intricate relationship

for about seven years,

neither of which interest me, mister!

- So that's a no?

(bell dinging)

Do you come in here a lot?

- Every other day, I think.

- I come in here quite a lot

and I don't remember seeing you.

- I guess we must be on different schedules.

- Missed connections.

- Yes, different time zone.

- Amazing how you can live right next door

to someone in this town and never even know it.

- I know.

- [Man] City life.

- It's crazy.

- You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

- Actually I was.

- Oh, boyfriend?

- Sort of.

- What's a sort of boyfriend?

- My husband?

(bell dinging)

- You weren't waiting for somebody

when I came in here, were you?

- Actually I was.

- Oh, boyfriend?

- Sort of.

- What's a sort of boyfriend?

- We're meeting here to break up.

- Oh, so you're available.

(bell dinging)

What's a sort of boyfriend?

- My lover, here she comes right now.

Hi.

(bell dinging)

- You weren't waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?

- No, just reading.

- Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday evening, isn't it?

Reading by yourself.

- I guess I was trying to think of it

as existentially romantic.

You know, cappuccino, great literature, summer night.

- That only works in Paris.

We could hop the late plane to Paris,

stroll down the left bank, find a cafe.

- Oh, I'm a little short on plane fare tonight.

- Darn it, so am I.

- To tell you the truth I was thinking of heading

to the movies after I finish this section.

Would you like to come along

since you can't seem to locate a waiter?

- That's a very nice offer, but,

- Uh huh, girlfriend.

- Two, actually.

One of them's pregnant and definitely.

(bell dinging)

- Girlfriend?

- No, I don't have a girlfriend.

- Oh.

- Not if you count that castrating bitch

I dumped last night.

- Ooh.

(bell dinging) Girlfriend?

- Uh sort of, sort of.

- What's a sort of girlfriend?

- My mother.

- Oh.

(bell dinging)

- I just ended a relationship, actually.

- [Woman] Oh.

- Of rather long standing.

- I'm sorry to hear it.

- It's my first night out alone in a long time

and I feel a little bit at sea

to tell you the truth.

- So you didn't stop to talk because you're a wiccan

or have some weird political affiliation?

- Nope.

Straight down the ticket Republican.

- Ugh. (bell dinging)

Straight down the ticket Democrat.

- God. (bell dinging)

- Can I tell you something about politics?

- Ugh. (bell dinging)

- I like to think of myself as a citizen of the universe.

(slapping)

(bell dinging)

I'm unaffiliated.

- That's a relief, so am I.

- I vote my beliefs.

- [Betty] Labels are not important.

- Labels are not important, exactly.

Take me for example.

So what if I had a two point,

(bell dinging) a three point,

(bell dinging) four point at college,

or that I came from Pittsburgh.

(bell dinging) Cleveland,

(bell dinging) Westchester County.

- Sure.

- I believe that a man is what he is.

(bell dinging)

A person is what he is.

(bell dinging)

A person is what they are.

- I think so too.

- So what if I admire Trotsky?

(bell dinging)

So what if I once had total body liposuction?

(bell dinging)

So what if I don't have a penis?

(bell dinging)

So what if I once spent a year in the Peace Corps?

I was acting on my conviction.

- Sure.

- You just can't hang a sign on a person.

- Absolutely.

I bet you're a Scorpio.

(bell dinging)

Listen, I was headed to the movies

after I finish this section.

Would you like to come along?

- Sounds like fun, what's playing?

- A couple of the really early Woody Allen movies.

- Oh.

- You don't like Woody Allen?

- Sure I like Woody Allen.

- But you're not crazy about Woody Allen?

- Those early ones kind of get on my nerves.

- Uh huh.

(bell dinging)

- You know, I was headed to - I was going to,

- I'm sorry.

- No, go ahead.

- I was gonna say I was headed to the movies

in a little while.

- So was I.

- The Woody Allen festival?

- Yeah, just up the street.

- Do you like his early ones?

- I think anyone who doesn't

ought to be run off the planet.

- How many times have you seen Bananas?

- 17 times.

- 22.

So are you still interested?

(light piano music)

- Do you like Entemann's Crumb Cake?

- Last night I went out at two in the morning to get one.

Did you have an Etch-a-Sketch as a child?

- Yes.

And do you like brussel sprouts?

- I think they're disgusting.

- They are disgusting.

- Do you still believe in marriage

in spite of current sentiments against it?

- Yes.

- And children?

- Three of them.

- Two girls and a boy.

- Harvard, Vasser and Brown.

- And will you love me?

- Yes.

- And cherish me forever?

- Yes.

- Do you still wanna go to the movies?

- Sure thing.

- [Both] Waiter.

- Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

- No, it's not.

- Mind if I sit here?

- No, go ahead.

- Thanks.

What's the book?

(bell dinging)

(jazz music)