Original subtitles

KLINGER: Look out!

Great Caesar's salad, Klinger.

What are you doing up at 3:00 in the a.m.?

Couldn't sleep, sir. The heat, sir.

That's one I can buy.

Must be extra tropical for you,

totin' around that permanent vicuna coat.

Perhaps you'd care to explain

the fallout from the Motorola plant.

I took the P.A. system apart, sir.

What in blazes for? We need that contraption.

I know that full well, my bleary-eyed boss.

I figured the middle of the night

would be the perfect time to get some off-the-job training

for my new mail order course.

In what? Office demolition?

No, sir. Electronics.

Someday this little shoot-out's going to end.

And when this Johnny comes marching home,

it'll be with a screwdriver in his hand.

-You gonna fix radios? -No, sir. Television.

The wave of the future,

which, thanks to good old Yankee know-how,

will mean busted sets by the millions.

And Max Klinger will be there to reap

the whirlwind of outrageous repair prices.

Mark this, Marconi.

When reveille blows, this system better be workin'

or you'll be spending the rest of this war on the roof

screaming messages at the top of your furry lungs.

No problem, sir.

Come daybreak, it'll be back together P.A.ing like a kitten.

May I ask what you're doing up at this hour?

Same thing I've been doing for the last three nights, not sleepin'.

This heat's enough to melt the spots off a pinto.

I was headin' to my office to get a sleepin' pill.

Wouldn't it be easier if you just kept 'em by your bed?

Exactly why I don't.

It's too ready a temptation anytime the Z's don't come right away.

-They're only for emergencies. -Is there one now, sir?

Well, look around, lad.

This whole camp is down with a case of the sweltering grumpies.

And if its commander doesn't get a few winks soon,

-he's not gonna be worth a hill of limas. -Mmm.

I don't believe this.

How many times are you gonna read that letter from Peg?

What difference does it make to you?

I was finally almost asleep.

Luckily, you turned the light on again

so I could watch myself wake up.

I'm sorry. I'm not sleepy.

So we have to stay up all night playing "turkey in the oven."

I lie here roasting,

and you keep turning on the light to see if I'm done.

Very funny.

You still don't want to tell me what's in the letter.

-It's none of your business. -Okay. You want to keep me in the dark? Fine.

Do it in the dark. Charles and I would like to get some sleep.

Okay. Okay.

Where's Charles?

State of Massachusetts, debentures, uh--

interest income, 1949.

The Winchester Enterprises.

Mallet repair, Cape Cod Polo Club.

That'd be entertainment-- Ah, medical.

Oh, Major Winchester.

I see you couldn't sleep either.

-Hot enough for you? -Father.

My, my, that's quite an array.

May one ask what you're doing at this late hour?

These are my financial and tax records for the past three years.

Since it is impossible to sleep in this Oriental oven,

I'm utilizing these large tables to, uh, sort it all out.

Oh. Is that what wealthy people do

instead of counting sheep?

Hardly.

My father has just rushed this monetary memorabilia,

because I'm the only person who can decipher it properly

apart from our trusted family accountant.

Why on earth isn't he doing it?

Because, as of last Tuesday,

our C.P.A. is a certified public enemy

having been incarcerated on five counts of fraud,

two counts of embezzlement,

and countless counts concerning accounts for which he cannot...

account.

My word. How awful.

What is awful is that the Internal Revenue Service is suddenly quite curious

about the internal revenue of the Winchesters and the Emersons,

and their vast financial... enterprises.

Well, looks like you've set quite a task for yourself.

-Mmm. -Anything I can do to help?

No, thank you.

I alone must bear the brunt of this numerical nightmare.

Nonsense. The very least I can do is dash off to the kitchen,

and fix us a nice frosty pitcher of lemonade.

-Oh, great. -My, my.

You seem to have a lot of friends in Switzerland.

Yeah.

Good night, sir. I hope the pill works.

I can feel it starting already.

Usually one of these puts my lights out but good.

"Buenas notches."

-Hawk? -Hmm?

You really want to know what's bothering me in that letter?

-Can it be told in the dark? -Yeah, sure.

-All right, what's the problem, Beej?

Peg says the gutters have to be cleaned out.

-Yeah, and? -That's it.

Wait a minute. Let me see if I've got this clear.

You're talking about gutters,

those things that stick out from the end of the roof,

and the rain goes in them,

and they need to be cleaned out, right?

Yeah. Damn it!

Well, I can certainly understand your anguish.

That's grounds for a hardship discharge if I ever heard one.

Please, feel free to wake me again any time.

Like if she runs out of dental floss.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

What the hell do you care about my problems anyway?

-You gotta be kidding.

You're up half the night blinding me over gutters?

-And--

Let's go, Beej. I think we got a customer.

Welcome to our all-night drive-in.

Hope whoever you brought in is in better shape

than what you brought him in.

He got hit on night patrol,

and it's taken us four hours to get him here.

Stupid engine kept boiling over.

His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle,

and I think a couple of pieces are missing.

This damn heat and the delay have got him very dehydrated.

-Get him inside right away. -More fluid. Pump it in as fast as it'll go.

Kellye, we gotta operate right now.

-Go wake up Major Houlihan and tell her to bring a friend. -Right.

Our best shot is to patch him up quick,

-and get him off to a nice cool hospital. -HAWKEYE: Yeah.

-Anything I can do to help, sirs? -Yeah. Get on the phone.

Tell I-Corps to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.

The Colonel's the only one who can authorize that.

-So? Get him to authorize it. -Yes, sir.

And as soon as you do that,

get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.

Get Joanne. I'll take the other spot. I can't sleep anyway.

-Oh, isn't this heat terrible? -That's just the half of it.

It's given me a prize-winning case of prickly heat

all over my butt.

I've never itched so much in my life.

The more I sweat, the worse it gets.

Have you put any camphor menthol on it?

With all the cases we've had around here

the past few days, we're out.

I'd kill for just one bottle.

I'll tell the doctors you're on your way.

Oh, Kellye, Kellye, whatever you do,

don't whisper a word about this to either of them.

If those two clowns knew I had a rash on my rear,

I'd never hear the end of it.

-Yes. -So to speak.

Oh, boy, look at him. Just like a baby.

Why me?

Oh, kind and weary chieftain,

I hate to be a pill-pooper, sir,

but you have to get up, sir.

-Sir? -Wha-- What? Who's there?

Uh, Captain Pierce, he made me do it, sir.

Oh! Good morning.

Uh, it's not exactly morning yet, sir.

-Uh, you're needed on the phone. -The phone?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, this is not going to be a piece of baklava.

It's very easy, sir. You just need to order a chopper for the morning.

Did you put the cat out, Mildred?

I-Corps? Great. This is MASH 4077.

Hold on for Colonel Potter.

-Order for the morning. -Hello, room service?

Send up a couple of poached eggs, a bowl of prunes--

Sir, a helicopter. Order a helicopter.

No, thanks. I'm not that hungry.

Send us a helicopter.

Send us a helicopter.

First thing in the morning.

First thing in the--

-Morning. -Morning.

You got that? Terrific.

Perfect, sir. I'll take you back to bed now.

Sir?

You did just fine, sir.

Don't forget the porch light, dear.

HAWKEYE: They said, "Join the army and see the world."

So, here I am in Korea, removing Chinese metal

from an American soldier in a Turkish bath.

-How are you doing, giggles? -How should I be doing?

Ah, you'll have to excuse Andy Grump, ladies.

He can't get his mind out of the gutter.

All I know is if I was home,

I'd be up there right now cleaning out that gutter.

HAWKEYE: You got a bad case of heat frustration.

Margaret, how's the saline doin'?

Uh, fine, Doctor.

-Fine. -Can anybody loan me a five-year deodorant pad?

Sure. It doesn't mean anything to you.

But I know Peg, and she's gonna be up there

-trying to clean 'em out herself. -So what? Retractor.

So, she'll use the ladder in the garage,

and I left without telling her the third rung was broken,

and she'll fall and break her neck.

Oh, so that's it. What are you worried about?

She'll see it and she call a neighbor for help.

Oh, that'd be just great. You wanna know about our neighbors?

-No. -On the one side, there's Eddie Hoffman

who's bagged most of the time.

If he got on a ladder, he'd fall right off on his face,

and then get up and slap a million dollar lawsuit on me.

-Clamp. -Or Peg could ask our other neighbor,

Old Man Wallerstein. He's maybe 83.

-Clamp. -He'd be only too happy to

-go up and have a heart attack. -Butterfly net.

And there was the summer of '39.

Oh. I think that was the hottest.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm forgetting '46.

That was a real scorcher indeed.

Do you recall which one was hotter?

Thank goodness this is the last of it.

Oh, how nice.

-Now you can get some rest.

Would that were possible, Father.

But first, I have to record all these stupid figures,

then make copies of it,

and then have the table cleared before morning.

-Major, you're looking quite haggard. -Thank you.

As a member of our armed forces,

surely the government would give you additional time.

Me, yes. My family, no.

Their taxes are due posthaste.

And we are trying to avoid many unhappy returns.

Oh, I don't quite follow you.

Well, you see--

Father, in sophisticated financial circles, uh,

a certain amount of give-and-take is required.

Ergo, when you take an income deduction from one source,

-there must be a concomitant give from another source. -Hmm.

I'm still not quite sure I understand.

Right. Naturally, my family and I have decided to make

full disclosure of exactly what happened.

So, we must compare notes as to exactly, heh-- what happened.

Oh, in other words, what you're trying so delicately to tell me

is the family that pays together, stays together.

HAWKEYE: Look, maybe she won't clean them at all.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. No, no, pal.

First good rain, they overflow right into the basement window well.

Zap, the whole cellar's flooded.

That's where the furnace is.

The water seeps right up and puts out the pilot light.

Don't you have a handyman or somebody you can use for odd jobs?

-Oh-ho! No, you don't. Not Carl. -Oh, well, not Carl.

Of course not. Carl. How stupid of me. What's wrong with Carl?

He's maybe 6 foot 4 and works out with weights.

Got these huge arms.

Well, that certainly is a strike against a handyman. Strength.

-How's this guy's pressure? -Fine.

Wears skintight T-shirts with the sleeves cut off.

He's better looking than Errol Flynn.

She's only human, you know.

First, it's the gutters, then he says, uh,

"Anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicutt?"

Then she says, "Well, for starters, you can call me Peg."

Some fun, huh, Joanne?

Over here, we got a guy who's losing his marbles,

and over there, a woman who's slipping on them.

Klinger! You simian dolt. What are you doing?

Almost having a heart attack.

It's not nice to sneak up on people.

Well, I didn't expect to find you awake and practicing sabotage.

Do you know anything about P.A. systems?

Only that they convey sound at a greatly increased volume

if they have not been dismantled by a cretin

who doesn't know how to put them back together again.

Hey, hey. What are you doing?

I am trolling this sea of rubbish

in search of some carbon paper.

Where is it?

You come in here and insult me,

and then expect me to let you dip into

my precious allotment of office supplies?

Klinger!

Klinger, you're absolutely right. I beg your forgiveness.

This, uh, intemperate weather has made me rather intemperate.

Klinger, I would be eternally grateful

if you could see your way clear to

allowing me to use some of your carbon paper.

That's much better. You know the old saying.

"You catch more flies with oil than you can with vinegar."

-Indubitably. -There you go, sir.

Are you mad?

These pathetic things look as though

they've been through the Calgary Stampede.

Surely you have more than this.

Quite true, my sweaty surgeon.

Without this black gold, I might as well close up shop.

The rest is in the safe.

Carbon paper in the safe. What brilliant foresight.

In only 2 million years, it will turn into diamonds.

Facetious, but erroneous.

I must protect my last two dozen sheets.

I don't need two dozen. I only need five. Open the safe.

-I'd be only too happy to accommodate you. -Wonderful.

But I can't. I don't know the combination.

Only the colonel does.

And I wouldn't wake him up if you put a hand grenade in my shorts.

You'll have to wait till morning.

I cannot wait until morning.

Yoo-hoo.

-Noble warrior? -Huh? Huh? Huh--

-Here we go.

I know the hour is late, sir,

but, I-- I am in the direst of straits.

Straight? My full house beats that.

Okay, gang, I think I got all the enemy souvenirs out of his war chest.

3.0 chromic G.I., my dear.

Thank you. Stay with the dextrose and saline in post-op.

Keep him as cool as possible till that chopper gets here.

-Chopper? -Yeah, we're evac-ing him as soon as possible.

How soon?

Sunup, I hope. Why?

No reason.

That's an excellent idea. Very good.

I don't know about you, boys and girls,

but as soon as I'm through sewing here,

I will be threading my way to the showers.

I assume they're working.

Unless, of course, the plumber has run off with Mrs. Hunnicutt.

-There we go.

Never fear, Colonel, we'll have you back in bed in an instant.

Thank you, Klinger.

- Klinger! -Oh, the bats are out tonight.

Get on the phone right away.

I'm really very busy right now.

I've almost got this stupid thing fixed.

I don't care what you've got. I need to reach I-Corps

in time to get some medicine on that chopper.

-So snap to it. -I'd love to help you out.

But unfortunately, there's only one person--

MARGARET: Please, sir. Please.

I'm really sorry to have to trouble you like this, sir,

but you see, I have an irritation.

-You're very kind, Major Winchester. -Oh, wonderful.

Sir, I need medicine. I-- For my--

Where I sit, I have an inflammation.

I hope you got the chopper so you could make copies of it with the carbon paper.

Swell. Sir, listen to me.

Ahh, wet water, the best kind.

Nothing like a good spritzing

after a long hard day in beautiful downtown hell.

What do you say, Beej? You starting to cool off?

Well, a little.

That's the ticket.

There's really nothin' to worry about, you know?

Peg's a big girl.

One way or another your gutters will get cleaned out,

and everything will be just fine.

-Yeah, she'll take care of it. -Sure.

Probably better than if I were there to help.

I'm sure she's becoming more self-sufficient all the time.

Yeah.

Matter of fact, by now, she probably gets along just fine without me.

I might as well just stay away altogether.

What the hell does she need me for anyway?

You are a complete and total jerk.

No wonder Peg is leaving you.

Uh, $681.78, uh, medical total--

Ah, you certainly have a way with figures, Major.

You sure there isn't anything I can do to help you?

Huh?

No. Thank you very much, Father.

-1,100-- -Eh, it's probably just as well.

I couldn't even balance a check book.

I remember one time I misplaced a decimal point.

It was supposed to be $12.97,

but what I wrote was $1,297.00.

Ah, goodness. That was back in 1941, I believe.

149-- Uh, now that you mention it, Father,

there is something you could do.

Would you mind hopping into the kitchen and making some more lemonade?

Oh, uh-huh.

My, you certainly are thirsty tonight.

This will be your fifth pitcher. I'll be right back.

Fine.

Hey, Major Winchester. What are you doin' up so early?

I have a great deal of work to do, Igor,

so if you don't mind-- Ah! How much time before breakfast?

-You still got an hour, Doc. -Phew!

Boy, I tell ya, I don't mind havin' some company for a change.

You probably don't know it, but every lousy day

I gotta get up before reveille to get this joint ready.

Whew, I'll tell you, this is about the hottest I've ever seen it here.

Hey, you look like you've been through the wringer.

And you know somethin'? You're making it extra tough on yourself.

This here fan ain't much help,

but, heck, every little bit counts.

Fan? Fan!

No!

Sir, please try to understand.

All you have to do is tell I-Corps

to put some camphor menthol shake lotion on the helicopter.

-Aha! -Medicine? Who's sick?

MARGARET : Nobody's sick, sir. I have a little rash.

POTTER : Well, I have two grandchildren myself.

Sir, please try to understand.

This is Margaret.

I have a bad case of prickly heat.

A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus.

Oh, I get it.

-A bad case of keister itch.

Well, you could call it that, sir.

I sure got to sympathize with you on that one.

POTTER: Ain't nothin' more bothersome

than a case of the old fanny fungus.

-MARGARET: -POTTER: With all this heat,

that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet.

MARGARET: Oh, really, sir. I'd rather not talk about it.

POTTER: I don't know how bad off your wazoo is,

but I'll bet it don't come close to

the rump rots I had back in the big war.

MARGARET: Sir. Sir, the chopper?

POTTER: We were pinned down near Chantilly,

and I was stuck for a whole damn night in a wet foxhole.

I'll never forget it.

No matter how many times you change your skivvies,

the fire on the old back porch just keeps burnin'.

-MARGARET: Sir, please, could you just call?

POTTER: Must be hell for you trying to set or sleep.

You sure got--

MARGARET: Wait a minute!

Is this stupid P.A. on? Klinger, you idiot!

KLINGER: Major, wait. Oh, no. Please don't!

-It took me three hours to fix that!

KLINGER : Now hear this. Now hear this.

I just want to see if you can now hear this.

-Where's that dumb helicopter you ordered? -I wish I knew.

-He'll be okay if it gets here within an hour.

-Relax, Margaret. Have a seat. -Oh, butt out.

I believe we could say the same for you.

Happy A.M., all. Nothing like a good night's sleep.

At ease, Margaret.