Original subtitles

This war has definitely lost its allure.

My "sediments" exactly.

If we didn't have such a terrific union here,

I'd put in my two-week notice.

But I'm too weak.

My dogs only barked this bad

once before, back in the cavalry.

I got blottoed and did the Charleston with a Shetland pony.

Colonel, don't tempt me. I'm so hungry,

I could eat a horse-- saddle, rider and all.

Which is undoubtedly better than what's awaiting us now

in the Mess Tent--

ptomaine au gratin.

Take heart, famished friends.

I brought in after-surgery snacks.

-Actual edibles from Peg. -Ah, brownies! Dibs! Dibs!

And homemade fruit cocktail for our peach of a colonel.

Ah, sweet cubes of delight.

♪ At last I've found you

What else? Pralines!

Ah, pralines!

The South's only contribution to civilization.

-Don't be shy, Charles.

Hey, Charles, beware the perils of praline.

-Brilliant, Doctor. -Dagnabit!

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

What's next, whoopee cushions on the wheelchairs?

The true cruelty of this lame jest

is that there are no pralines.

-Did you--

All right. Who left the dead minnows in my pocket?

They were alive when I put them there. You've killed them!

-Et tu, Winchester? -Go ahead and laugh, guys.

There are plenty of minnows in the sea.

-A Houlihan never forgets. -"Et three," Margaret?

-What's going on here? -'Tis the season to be silly, Colonel.

-April one-eth is at hand. -Bushwa!

My Farmer's Almanac says it's still March.

Oh, but Colonel, I mean,

the festive spirit of April Fool

can scarcely be contained within a mere 24-hour period.

And there are only a few joking days left.

Okay, okay.

But just include me out. "Understandez" vous?

Colonel, how could you even think it?

-Your persona is truly hallowed. -And don't you forget it.

Besides which, I've seen 'em all.

Okay, Sparky, I got it.

Ah, the early bird colonel gets the words.

TWX for you, sir.

-Surgeon General's Office, 8th Army. -Thank you.

Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks

being perpetrated around here.

Good morning, Padre. Or should I say "Padress"?

Colonel, there's no humor in this.

While I was showering, somebody stole my robe and left me this...

this... house frock!

Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest.

Klinger, how would you like to get the last rites... and a few lefts?

Holster thy knuckles, Padre. This, too, shall pass.

It better.

-Oh, shut up!

Now that Gorgeous George is gone, can we get back to--

Holy hemostat!

-We're in for it now. -For what, sir?

Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker, lord high executioner

of the surgeon general's office,

is coming to observe our medical setup.

Observe doesn't sound too scary.

This fella can observe you to smithereens.

From what I hear, he's a fire and brimstone doctor

with a three-second fuse.

A stickler's stickler.

Quotes army medical regs by memory

especially the part on courts-martial.

Uh, sir, about that three-day pass I just decided to ask for.

Nix on passes.

This is an A-1, four-alarm,

red, white and blue alert.

Allah be praised I was too stupid to get into med school.

Yeah, well, you got enough smarts to shape up these files.

He's gonna examine everything from "A" to "Z" and then some.

And medical supplies.

Order everything you can order, including order forms.

But, sir, I'm already drowning in paperwork.

Well, hold onto your honker and tread water if you have to,

just do it!

KLINGER: Let's go! Let's go!

-Mayday! Mayday! -Hey.

Big meeting in the colonel's office. Everybody up.

Somebody kill that man, quietly.

I got a million other things to do.

Come on. Let's go. Let's get up.

All right. But only long enough to push your ears together.

Klinger, did you see anybody else lurking around here earlier?

No. Oh, yeah! I think I saw Major Houlihan leaving. Why?

Because there's something besides my foot in my boot.

And from the size of the lumps, I'd say it was oatmeal.

Word is, this Tucker hombre

is tougher than beef jerky and harder to swallow.

We're talking about a man who picks his teeth with a rusty nail.

So, for the sake of me and my eagles

which I worked so hard to get

there will be no, I repeat, nada in the way of larks

antics or shenanigans while he's here.

-Got it? -Got it.

Loud and-or clear, sir.

-Pierce? -Thanks for the room service, Margaret.

I always did like breakfast in boot.

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

-Don't worry about me, sir. -I owe you one.

Wait a minute. Pierce, are you "deef"?

I'm giving your hijinks the heave-ho, post haste.

I'm the boss here! I can do that!

-I heard you, Colonel. -And?

And I'll follow your instructions to the letter.

Fine, fine. I knew you wouldn't let your revered leader down.

But just in case, check your joy buzzers at the door.

Dismissed.

-She who laughs last-- -Yeah.

I'm gonna get her.

Pierce, you are "deef." Didn't you hear what Potter said?

All he said was no jokes while Tucker's here.

Well, Tucker's not here yet,

so how long you think it would take us to

fire Margaret out of a canon?

-That's such a good idea.

-What? What? -Uh, no more.

I don't want to get Potter in hot water.

-What? -No more.

Pierce, let's call a temporary cease prank.

Oh, so I'm on my own, huh?

No help will be forthcoming from the guy who had "Kilroy"

painted on his head while he slept.

Or the fire breathing fellow

who found Tabasco in his mouthwash.

All courtesy of Margaret the menace.

Maybe one more.

-Oh, good.

Rizzo.

Rizzo.

Wake up, Rizzo.

Why? Is it lunch time?

-Good, I could use a break. -No, no, no.

Unfortunately, some colonel's coming to look us over,

so I'll need your help in post-op.

Post-op? Great.

They got real beds over there.

Boy, nothing gets to you, does it?

Why should it?

I got a good life.

Room, board, 16 hours of sleep a day.

But this place stinks.

Hey, Klinger, you got it all wrong.

Step into my office, son.

Look, the Army is a breeze...

once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo

secret of military success.

What is it?

-Never smile. -Huh?

The Army hates to see a man grin.

It makes 'em think they've failed somehow.

But moan and groan and carry on,

they'll leave you all to your lonesome.

Long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.

-You're kidding. -If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

You can do anything you want in the Army.

Just act like you don't want to do it.

I'm livin' proof.

Hey, play your cards right,

and some day, Klinger,

all this can be yours.

-That's it. -What?

-Reverse psychology. -Huh?

-The army always does the opposite. -That's it!

If a guy wants out, he should act like he wants to stay in.

Yeah! Want out?

Is your hat on too tight?

Where else can you be a bum and get paid for it?

-I've been doing it all wrong. -Yeah.

-I'll be the world's greatest soldier. -Right.

-Make 'em think I love the Army. -Right.

Then, and only then, I'll pull the old switcheroo.

-All right! -Rizzo, you're a genius!

-I know, I know. -Listen, you stay here.

I'll get somebody else to help in post-op.

Good. And have 'em send me over a pillow, huh?

Those weasels! Oh!

Oh, this time, they've gone too far!

Just--Pierce, get up, you tent napper!

Good, Margaret. Very good.

-Where is my tent? -We pitched it somewhere.

-You crumbs! You crumbs! -Margaret!

-Where is my tent? -We gave it to a dog.

-Now it's a pup tent. -You idiot!

Ah, don't hit a pillow when it's down!

-What's going on here? -Uh--

-These crumbs stole my tent. -Now, Margaret, let's try to be accurate.

I'm the only crumb here. He's a schmo, and he's an idiot.

-No, he's the idiot, and he's the schmo. -This is disgraceful.

-Absolutely disgraceful. -You know, you're right.

They just don't make pillows the way they used to.

Please forgive our antics, sir. A bit of harmless fun.

Uh--Uh, I, uh--

I take it our, uh, feathers don't tickle your fancy.

I am Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker,

8th Army, Surgeon General's Office

here to observe your medical staff in action.

Now, who in the hell are you people?

-Actually, we're just the medical staff. -How are we doing so far?

I want to see your commanding officer immediately.

I hope he at least is a responsible professional.

What in the name of Marco Blessed Polo is going on here?

Oh. How do? Uh--

You would have to be Colonel Tucker, right?

And you would have to be Colonel Potter.

My God, Potter, what kind of place are you running here?

Don't you have one competent person here?

Colonel Tucker, sir.

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger reporting.

Aide-de-campe to top brass everywhere.

Sir, your quarters have been prepared with fresh linen,

fresh fruit and fresh air.

Also present, a record player complete

with five John Philip Sousa albums

several rum-soaked, precut Cuban cigars

and your favorite liquid refreshment, a shot and a beer.

And here, sir, is today's copy of Stars and Stripes.

Well, this is more like it.

If you're ready, sir, your tent is over there.

Fine, Corporal. I will turn in now.

And I'll see you and your people tomorrow morning, Colonel.

I am kind of sleepy myself.

-I think I'll hit the old sackeroo. -CHARLES: Capital idea.

Halt! About face!

Oh, you're a peck of pips, all right.

Despite my direct orders,

you just had to put "Be stupid" first

on your list of things to do today!

-We're very sorry, Colonel. -I'm not sorry!

-You're the jackasses who did this!

Silencio!

The senior inspecting officer

from the whole Far East medical command

comes in here at full boil

so you jokers have to turn up the heat.

Guarantees we'll all be wearing his boot prints tomorrow

no matter how spiffy we carry on!

Thank you all very much!

Good grief, Margaret.

Where in the name of Carrie's corset is your tent?

POTTER: Well, Colonel, didn't take long for you

to get a chance to see our people in action.

TUCKER: I saw them in action last night, Colonel.

-Carry on. -KLINGER: Good morning, sir.

Sorry you were out of your tent

before I could serve your breakfast.

However, I did leave the figures for this week's wounded,

a map I drew up of the camp,

and discount coupons for the Officers Club on your bed.

Which I made. With hospital corners. Sir.

BJ: Klinger, you're groveling without a license.

TUCKER: You foul balls could take a lesson from this fine trooper.

KLINGER: I'd blush, sir, but I don't have the time.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

MARGARET: Sir, I'm really sorry about what happened last night.

TUCKER: As well you should be, Major.

CHARLES: Ah-ha. Voila.

Nice work, Charles.

For a foul ball, you sure know your way around the old chest cavity.

Thank you, Hunnicutt.

Yes, it was rather exceptional work.

-Would you agree, Colonel? -What do you want, a medal?

Hey, he just saved this kid's life.

Isn't that the general idea here, Doctor?

HAWKEYE: What's the matter, Colonel?

Get up on the wrong side of the world this morning?

You concentrate on your patient.

Try to give him the same attention

you give your pillow fights.

POTTER: Colonel, I'll admit

we've got a full rack of eight balls here,

but when it comes to cutting, these people are the real McCoy.

I should hope so. I assume they've all been to medical school.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I should give the good doctors a round of applause

for doing their jobs.

Hear, hear, Doctors. Hear, hear.

Here we are, sir. Our post-operative unit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, sir,

I must fill out daily reports and deliver mail.

Oh, my stars!

I've been meaning to lube and oil the colonel's jeep.

Permission to lube and oil, sir.

Permission granted.

-That man's a jewel. -There he is, our very own ray of sunstroke.

Notice how his sneer lights up the room?

Well, what do you expect from him

after the impression we made last night?

-Are you tired, Captain? -As a matter of fact, I am.

I was up very early performing surgery.

You were also up very late performing idiocy.

Lieutenant, is there an order for an I.V. after this one?

-No, sir. But Captain Pierce-- -I'll handle this, Lieutenant.

Thank you. Can I help, Colonel?

Just having a little look-see, Doctor. That's all.

This is my patient. You have any questions, ask me.

Why, Doctor, you don't have anything to hide, do you?

Only my outrage. You know, you really are a sanctimonious--

Hawk, no, let me--

Colonel, I really must voice my resentment concerning your attitude.

No, you mustn't. What you really must do is keep your mouth shut.

-I beg your-- -Sir, we all know

that you're really just trying to do a very difficult job--

-Don't patronize me, Major. -I was trying to support you.

-I hardly need the support of a woman. - Wh--

I've had it up to here with all you people.

I'm gonna go clear my throat with a shot and a beer.

Uh, Colonel, I wonder if we could have

a four-letter word with you outside the hospital zone?

Fine. I'm a reasonable man.

-No fists, no fists. -Save your hands, Pierce. Use a rock.

Tell you what, Colonel. I'll make a deal with you.

We'll stop breaking pillows, and you stop breaking our butts.

-How about it? -I don't make deals.

-Then how about just acting human? -Better watch it, Captain.

Yeah. Be careful, Hunnicutt. It's against protocol

to inform a superior officer that he is inferior.

This man would have to work his way up to inferior.

Get this: I'm gonna shape this place up

and I can't think of a better way to start

than barring all of you from medical service.

Golly gee, boys and girls, are we in Dutch.

The colonel's gonna make us stand in a corner of Korea.

And go to bed without supper.

For which, Colonel, I shall be eternally grateful.

Yeah.

You people think you're very funny, don't you?

Well, I've had it with you screwballs.

As of right now you're all on report

for gross insubordination

conduct unbecoming officers,

and anything else I can think of.

I can't believe that.

You better believe it, Major.

If I have my way, you'll all be court-martialed.

And since I'm the man who makes those decisions,

I always get my way.

Let me see you laugh that one off, gang.

Klinger, I want you to find me a cop--

At your service, sir.

What the hell's going on here?

Well, I'm doing the daily reports,

Colonel Potter's correspondence--

I'm not talking about that.

How could I be so stupid, sir?

You're worried about your lube job.

I don't understand. Is there gonna be a costume party?

Oh, I hope not. I don't have a thing to wear.

Corporal, are you feeling all right?

Not really, sir. It's this desert heat.

-Even the Sphinx is sweating. -They've broken you.

The only decent soldier here. They've broken you!

This is tragic. It's tragic.

You need a long rest far away from this place.

I dearly hope you're not talking discharge, sir.

I'd sooner die.

I know it breaks your heart, soldier,

but trust me, it's the only way.

With due respect, sir...

as you can plainly see, I wasn't born yesterday.

You're talking Section Eight.

How could you shame me like that?

I'll be the laughingstock of the Nile!

You're ill, son. Deluded.

Now, you lay down over here and rest.

It's not your fault.

I know how hard you've tried to set an example here.

Of course I tried to set an example.

I am queen of Egypt.

You fought the good fight, soldier. Now you must rest.

When I leave tomorrow, you're going with me.

I'm gonna personally see that your case is expedited.

You'll be stateside in 72 hours.

Klinger, what the hell is this?

All hail mighty Caesar.

You look like a furry Claudette Colbert.

-Get up from there! -Easy, Potter.

This young trooper has finally cracked under pressure.

You mean you're buying this malarkey?

Last time, he was Snow White.

You let me worry about this young lad.

You worry about your medical staff.

I'm bringing them up on charges.

Hold on there, Colonel. Let's talk this out in my office.

There's nothing to talk about. I'm gonna hang the lot of them.

I just thought of something.

There is not one more free than someone with nothing to lose.

Catchy, but irrelevant.

Pierce, a truly rational man does not wax philosophic

when his address is about to be changed to Leavenworth.

Oh, my God. That's in Kansas.

Look, we're already getting busted for insubordination,

so why don't we go out in a blaze of glory?

-Let the crime fit the punishment. -I love it.

-Let's get that twerp. -Charles?

Pierce, that is a childish,

totally immature and petulant suggestion.

When do we nail the swine?

-Yes? Yes? -What? What?

He's coming with Potter. They just left the Mess Tent.

Good. Okay, he had dinner.

Now he's gonna get his just deserts.

I still say we should wait

until he's sleeping and glue his feet together.

I prefer more colorful action.

Perhaps something involving a cattle prod.

Nice. Nice touch.

-Okay. Come on, Rizzo. -What?

-We need the table now. -Why? Is it suppertime?

-Yeah. -Good. I could use a break.

Oh, boy, is this gonna be great!

-Oh, there's a table, Colonel. -Good.

I'll have a shot and a beer. What'll you have, Colonel?

Uh, Colonel Potter, can we see you a minute?

Uh, excuse me. Be back in a minute.

-Something's come up. -What?

-Tucker's number. -What?

-Here we are, sir. One shot of whiskey. -I ordered a shot and a beer!

-Where's my beer? -Beer's on you, Colonel.

Bull's-eye, Pierce. Excellent marksmanship.

You jackasses!

Pierce, you imbecile!

Did you know you squish when you walk?

Nobody does this to Daniel Webster Tuck--

-What is it? What's wrong? -It's his heart!

-Look out. Let me help. -You get the hell away, Pierce!

-Haven't you done enough? -Get some blankets!

-Get a cardiac kit! -Come on, man. Hang in there.

-Pierce--Pierce-- -He's saying something.

-He's asking for you. -Pierce--

-What is it? I can't hear you. -Is that you, Pierce?

-Yeah. What is it? -Just one thing.

April Fool.

What?

I gotcha, Pierce! I got all of you April fools.

-I got you, got you, got you.

I even got that hairy cuckoo.

If he thinks he's got his Section Eight, he's really crazy.

You were marvelous, Dan. A regular Lionel Barrymore.

I loved that line: "What do you want, a medal?"

It was like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Hey, you want to step outside for a little four-letter word?"

I can't believe this!

-You mean the whole-- -We set this up weeks ago.

I knew if Dan pushed you hard enough

you'd pull a stupid trick like this.

-You went for it like a school of hungry carp.

I feel the perfect fool.

Fellow jokers, we are in the presence of greatness.

-Whew! -We have been royally had.

-Have a beer. -Have a real one.

So don't feel bad, folks. You really didn't stand

a snowball's chance in Guam.

Sherm and I have been doing this for three wars now.

Of course, things didn't always work out so good.

Remember the time we slipped

the rubber hamburgers into the chow line?

Yeah. Trouble was, nobody noticed.

HAWKEYE: You guys must have been the life of the foxhole.

Come on, Colonel. I want to get home to see my mummy.

What's so funny?