Original subtitles

Gonna be a busy day, guys.

The way they're lined up out there,

you'd think we were having a fire sale.

Too bad it's not a going-out-of-business sale.

Excuse me for being late, boys.

I had to roll out the red rug

for three Korean medics.

-Local fellas. -Locals, eh?

No doubt all distinguished alums of Voodoo U.

I hope they are. They'd be just the guys

to shrink that swelled head.

Be the perfect match for your narrow mind.

Perhaps I could make them feel more at ease

by putting a bone through my nose.

Just lower the nose, Winchester.

Their style may lean a bit heavy on the roots and berries,

but they're part of the brotherhood.

They're here to take a gander at our surgical technique,

and I'm sending 'em over to your table.

-Me? But--But-- -The but stops here, Major.

These fellas want to see the chest cavity,

and you're our man in thoracics.

Not to mention you've logged some teaching time.

Wait a minute. Don't I have a say in this?

I am chief surgeon, and I fancy myself a pretty good chest man.

Okay, you decide, Pierce. Who gets to be tour guide?

Well, since Charles has already expressed a deep reluctance--

-Yes. -He does.

You swine.

Okay, Winchester. That narrows it down

to get in there and ring that school bell.

-Okey-dokey? -Colonel, I--

Say okey-dokey, Major.

Okey-dokey.

CHARLES: Now, my diminutive voyeurs,

this is the patient

without whom medicine would be just theory.

This is the patient's chest.

Or, in a more scientific parlance,

the front of the back.

If there is no belly button

in the immediate vicinity,

you've committed a rather serious faux pas.

Careful, Winchester. Don't add insult to surgery.

Now, Colonel, that's just part of his bed-snide manner.

Isn't it clever the way Charles can come into an alien country

and alienate everyone?

More retraction on top, Margaret, please.

Yes, doctor.

We have now reached the point in the procedure

where you gentlemen probably burn incense,

dance round the patient,

chanting supplications to the gods.

Is something the matter?

We have never performed surgery.

-I beg your pardon? -We are Buddhists.

Our religion forbids us

-to cut into any living being. -Uh-huh.

Never before have we seen the inside of a human body.

Yes, it is fascinating, isn't it?

The heart beating,

blood coursing through the large arteries,

returning through the veins.

The lungs moving back and forth.

All part of a large design

that humbles our meager imaginations.

Though some imaginations are more meager than others.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I get up at 5:00 in the morning,

and then by midnight I'm a wreck.

I look to the Lord for strength,

but after sessions like this,

I also look to the cook for strong coffee.

Salutations, sleepy sawbones.

You were already in the O.R. when these arrived,

so I saved them for an evening pick-me-up.

Hey, it's from my dad.

I hope he remembered my allowance.

Here's one from my distaff side.

Feels like a five-pager.

Four for me!

Probably thank-you notes from that barbershop quartet.

If you'll excuse me, neither wind nor rain nor sleet

shall keep me from my appointed bed.

Uh-oh. Looks like Mildred is thinking

of refurbishing the chaise "lounge" again.

She knows I've got no flair for this.

Margaret, you're a woman. Which one do you like?

Oh.

Are there any other swatches in there, sir?

Uh, maybe the flowers.

I'd hate sitting on little butterflies.

I don't believe this.

Dad forget the allowance?

He sent me this magazine clipping.

There's a Dr. Hyram R. Ledbetter

in Minneapolis

who's doing X-rays for Selective Service.

He makes five dollars an X-ray.

He's averaging $2,000 a day.

Just from X-rays?

And there's a guy in Baltimore

who makes up to 3,000 a day.

What a revolting development that is.

It does have its drawbacks.

He says, and I quote,

"I've been working terribly long hours every day.

"I've had to give up my private patients

and even my golf game."

He sure must be teed off.

I know a cozy place where he can put his putter.

Calm down, Pierce. Now that these quacks have made the news,

the army won't put up with those shenanigans for long.

I read on. "When queried,

"the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee said,

'Of course, the government will get a lot of that back in income taxes'."

Big surprise. Uncle Sam always turns the other check.

I'm over here knocking myself out

30 or 40 hours a day, nine days a week,

and these guys are back home getting rich.

What's the squawk? Everybody knows

civilian M.D.s pack away the dineros.

Civilian, hell. These guys are getting paid

by the same army I am.

But I'm getting minimum rage.

Now, Hawkeye, I know it must be frustrating.

Frustrating? Dig into your thesaurus, Father.

Try "infuriating," "galling."

See also "inflaming."

So what are you gonna do about it?

Your heart's in the right place, but look where you are--

10,000 miles from the scene of the crime.

These weasels are getting a real big finder's fee

for sending lambs to slaughter.

They might as well stamp 'em U.S.D.A. prime.

Oh, sure. The world used to be a perfect place

until these two doctors came along and spoiled it all.

Yeah, well, somebody oughta do something.

Why do I have a queasy feeling in my gizzard?

Gentlemen, it is not necessary

to follow me into every nook and cranny in this camp.

Surely you'd be happier tucked away in your little beds.

But we have so many questions.

It would take years to ask 'em all.

Do let us hope it won't come to that.

-Is something the matter? -No, no, I'm fine.

He says you have been most kind.

He's offering to relieve your pain.

Oh, wouldn't you just know it's gone, thank God--

and, of course, Buddha.

Okay, I average seven bowel resections a week,

so that comes to 546 resections.

Type, Klinger, type. Type.

Resection: 1. Quantity: 546.

Sir, can we stop? My fingers are dead on their feet.

Klinger, your fingers can't fail me now.

This bill is going to the Surgeon General's office,

and you're the neatest typist we've got.

A sad commentary on the state of typing as we know it today.

Now, let's see. Resections--$7.00 per.

That comes to $3,822.

Wow. That's more than the gross national product of Lebanon.

All in a day's work in Minneapolis.

Captain Pierce, here are the X-rays you asked for.

All right. Good. Bring 'em over. Put 'em down here.

Put 'em right there.

They must all be pictures of fat people.

No, but they're going to a fat-cat doctor in Minneapolis.

Now he'll have before-and-after pictures

of those kids he's been sending over here.

Wait a minute. I'm not in shipping.

I'm in accounts receivable.

Thank you, Rizzo. There'll be a little something extra

in your paycheck next week.

Great! Then I can buy myself a truss.

Okay, Klinger, time for the tally, so tally-ho.

Okay, you take that, you got that. That's, uh...

Holy Cleveland!

$38,215!

And 11 cents.

Criminal Investigation takes a very dim view of this.

What do you expect from dimwits?

Jumpin' Jack Armstrong!

Pierce, you can't send a bill to the U.S. Army.

Why not? It's all the rage in Minneapolis.

Captain, this is not Minneapolis.

This is Korea, and this bill of yours

could be easily construed

as an attempt to defraud the U.S. Government.

Fraud? Captain Snyder, I'm aghast.

Every one of those charges is verified.

You're holding a documented doctor document.

Pierce, be reasonable.

My prices are very reasonable.

The going rate for an X-ray is five dollars.

I'm only charging four because of my low overhead.

Of course, during a shelling, I have no overhead.

Pierce, can't you stow these monkeyshines a mite?

This is a criminal investigation.

Actually, Colonel, your captain has nothing to be afraid of.

I can see that this is not an attempt at fraud.

It's just a case of hotheaded, self-righteous nonsense.

Don't try to sweet talk me. What are you gonna do about my bill?

That's easy.

Maybe I haven't made myself clear to you, Captain.

There are doctors back in the States

making a killing on this war.

It's a free country.

No, it's five dollars an X-ray!

You haven't seen the last of this bill.

You just keep sending it in because you'll never collect.

I'll see to that personally.

Colonel, I think we've taken care of everything.

Yeah. Everything except my queasy gizzard.

Just take his temperature in a half hour.

Now if you'll k-- kindly follow me,

Larry, Curly, Moe.

I beg your pardon, doctor, but we have been wondering

why you have been referring to us by those names.

Ah, well, you see, in my country

Larry, Curly, and Moe are revered philosophers

who have earned the deepest respect of their compatriots.

He was stupid, arrogant, and humorless,

but at least he was pigheaded.

What'd you expect him to do? Write you a check?

I could use a little help, you know?

I'm stuck for a way to collect from these deadbeats.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Quixote. May I call you Don?

We're dealing with the U.S. Army,

the people who sent us to war to make peace.

They're not gonna pay you.

And they're gonna take the money they don't pay you

and send it to that guy in Minneapolis.

And he's gonna invest it in new X-ray equipment.

-Get the picture? -I don't care.

I'm gonna get some satisfaction out of this.

I'm going to exact my pound of flesh.

Okay. But I hope the funny farm has a meat counter.

Oh, is that so, doctor?

Well, I'm sure you won't mind

if I get a second opinion.

Uh, hello! Excuse me.

I'm conducting a man-in-the-ward interview.

If a patient won't pay you for services rendered,

-how do you collect? -Ah, Pierce,

-still at odds with the American way?

Yeah, I'm fed up with the system

of checks and imbalances.

Dr. Wu says he will take a chicken.

I beg your pardon?

We often accept farm animal in payment.

Gentlemen, it is very, very risky

to accept personal chicks.

-Chickens!

That's it! That's it!

Quid pro quo. To wit, to woo.

No, wrong Wu. But thank you. Thank you!

Merciful God!

What? What is it? Your back again?

No, I'm picking radishes.

Yes, it's my back, you dunderhead!

I've thrown it out again. Get me out of here.

Okay, Charles. Here we go.

Slow please.

Usually he's a pain in everybody else's back.

-Don't you dare!

Excuse me, Major. Dr. Wu would be most happy

to relieve your pain.

No. No. Keep your roots and herbs to yourselves,

you--you gardeners.

Get me to my tent. And lock it!

Rizzo! Rizzo! Rizzo!

Could you hold it down?

There are people trying to work.

-Rizzo. -Oh, my gosh. It's night.

Could you hold it down?

There are people trying to sleep.

You are in charge of this motor pool, are you not?

-I are, sir. -Then would you be so kind

as to stand down from that jeep.

Yes, sir. Standing down, sir.

Thank you very much, Sergeant. There's your receipt.

Hey, how come you're taking my jeep?

Because you don't have any chickens.

And there he was, sir, with this wild look in his eyes

sort of like a vampire or something.

Then he ran off with my jeep.

Great Gatsby! That's incredible.

Please don't bust me, sir.

It took ten years for me to make sergeant--

five years the first time, six years the second.

It's Pierce I'm gonna bust, not you.

Oh, you're a wise, kind man, sir. Uh-oh.

Klinger said you wanted to see me, Colonel.

-What's up? -My dander.

-Oh, right. -He beat it out of me, Captain.

-Rizzo, dismissed. -Oh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Bless you, sir, and all your loved ones.

-I can explain. -No, you can't!

But give it your best shot.

That jeep is partial compensation

for services rendered.

However, the government still owes me $36,005.

Do you use this desk much?

Pierce, I hate to break the news to you,

but this is a military post,

not your neighborhood surplus store.

That jeep is U.S. Army property,

lock, stock, and distributor cap.

Okay, don't worry. If there's an emergency, you can use it.

-Just remember it's mine. -Uh-huh.

You know, I could give you a direct order

to return that jeep.

It wouldn't do any good, Colonel.

I'd just take something else,

like the mess tent.

This is my way to protest,

and I am not giving in.

You're like an unbroken colt, and all I can do

is give you rein till you wear yourself out.

-Okay, for now, keep the jeep. -Keep it?

Having a toy to play with might just save you

from permanently bunking in the loony bin.

-Thank you. -However,

you have pushed me to the limit, soldier boy,

and if so much as one thumbtack turns up missing,

I will be Sherman and you will be Georgia.

Does this mean I can't have the desk?

There, there, Major.

-A compress of nice moist heat,

and you'll be up and whistling "Dixie" in no time.

Major! Major, first of all,

I would sooner hoist a piano than whistle "Dixie."

And secondly, I repeat, only rest will cure my back.

Extended rest and solitude.

Major, you're in luck.

I know an old Lebanese back fixer-upper.

Good. Then try it on an old Lebanese.

First you make a poultice

of olive oil and pomegranate seeds.

My God, Klinger,

I'm a human being, not a casserole.

Major, I hear you have a bad back.

What's your cure, pray? Laying on of hands?

In a way, yes. I'll just pick you up

and physically jerk that old spine in place.

Father. No, Father,

what Major Winchester needs is moist heat.

No problem. I'll warm up the olive oil.

Major, if you'll just let me give that spine one good yank.

-No, Father. That's not the way you remedy it. -I've got it under control.

Please! Please!

Can you not all see that I am at death's doorstep?

I am a doctor! I know what's best for me!

What I need is extended rest, silence.

If you all have a shred of decency,

get the hell out of here!

-Miracle of miracles. -You're fine.

-Incredible! -Oh, good Lord. What have I done?

-Oh, my. -Easy now, Major. Just lie back down now.

I'll get the olive oil and the pomegranate seeds--

That's it. My stomach is throwing in the towel.

Meanwhile, at this very moment, kindly old Dr. Ledbetter

or as he's known in Minneapolis, Daddy Warbucks,

is undoubtedly stuffing his undoubtedly potbelly

with a bevy of gourmet delights courtesy of our government.

I'll admit, it's food for thought.

But not for eating.

"Bonus diaz," muchachos.

What's so "bonus" about it?

You have to forgive Hawkeye, Colonel.

Breakfast has us both a little down in the stomach.

You boys look a little tired, too.

Catch the late show at the drive-in, Pierce?

No. We caught the all-night show at the Swamp.

Charles was moaning in our sleep.

Damn. Word is we're getting some casualties.

We need Winchester on his feet.

Those Korean doctors keep saying they can help.

-You think they can? -Maybe.

We Westerners don't have a corner on medical knowledge,

and I'm in no position to look a gift cure in the mouth.

Not to mention the back.

Look out, Hawk. Here comes Wild Bill Snyder.

-Did you send him another wild bill? -There you are, Pierce.

Why, Captain Snyder, I hope you're not here on my account.

Good morning, Captain.

What brings you back to our humble homestead?

Colonel, we've received some more paperwork

from a certain Captain Pierce.

What a coincidence.

We have a certain Captain Pierce here.

"Acknowledge receipt, one jeep."

Colonel, are you aware

that this man has appropriated a jeep?

I wasn't aware that you were aware.

Why stop there, Pierce? Why not call Hedda Hooper?

Pierce, what gives you the right to steal U.S. property?

It's all how you look at it, Captain.

One man's theft is another man's justice.

This is the army, you 8 ball.

Justice is what Uncle Sam tells you it is.

It's not your job to question the government's actions.

Why not? I find some of their actions highly questionable.

Okay, okay. Everyone just hold on to your garters.

Now, Captain Snyder,

it appears you and Captain Pierce

may have a thing or two to discuss.

Yeah, like a court martial.

Fine. I'd love the publicity.

So why don't you two gentlemen sashay over to the office

where you can powwow in private?

And I'm sure Captain Pierce

will be reasonable and cooperative.

I wouldn't bet on that.

Then again, in case Pierce is dead set

on checking into a room with striped sunlight,

I'll try to speed Major Winchester's recovery.

At least it's just his back that's twisted, not his brain.

This way to the inquisition.

I've got to get my briefcase.

Of course. We're going to court.

You'll need your kangaroo suit.

Funny guy.

And I thought you didn't have a sense of humor.

Major, please.

This is absurd.

I'm fully capable of feeding myself.

But any little movement at all can aggravate your back.

Now come on, you silly boy. Open up.

Here comes the choo-choo.

God give me strength.

Morning, Major. Glad to see you so chipper.

Colonel, I demand

that you order Madame de Sade to desist and depart.

Major, I have tried my best to ease your pain.

I have patiently endured your snide slurs,

but you do not seem to appreciate that,

so I shall leave

before the oatmeal choo-choo has a wreck in your nose.

Thank you, Florence Nightmare!

Easy, Winchester.

We've got a way to unwrap that pretzel spine.

Sir, your optimism smacks of science fiction.

I foresee at least a week's recovery.

Incorrecto.

We're going to have you up and bunny-hopping

in a matter of minutes.

You see, these little fellers here tell me

they've got a surefire remedy for that bad back.

Surely you jest.

Look at me, Winchester. You see any teeth?

Sir, as a man of medicine, you can't suggest

that I subject my body to the ministrations of these snake charmers.

Quit your bellyaching. I've checked this out

with our own people down at Seoul.

They're familiar with it.

They guarantee you it's not gonna do you any harm.

Major, this treatment is 3,000 years old.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

We would not offer it unless we knew it would help.

Let me be succinct.

Not on your life.

Let me be succincter!

We're going to be getting in some genuine casualties, P.D.Q.

Without you, we might just lose a few of them.

Now it's your responsibility to try everything you can

to get those vertebrae vertical.

What do you say, doctor?

I say...okey-dokey.

Now you're talking my language. Wu?

Ye gods, it is voodoo!

How true. Wu,

do that voodoo that you do so well.

We call it acupuncture.

-Puncture? -It will be painless.

-We insert the needle-- -Insert?

It's hell being a hero, ain't it, Winchester?

Let's try to roll him over.

Okay, Captain, I'm tired of talking.

Here's a list of the charges against you.

Well, that seems fair enough.

I charge the government, and they charge me.

You jerk. When are you gonna learn?

Nobody, but nobody, steals one of our jeeps.

Sounds like you're talking to the wrong jerk.

Oh, no. It can't be.

-Hey! That's my jeep!

-Excuse me. I'm sorry. -You know something, Pierce?

You've got a little bit too much nerve for your own good.

Wait a minute. I didn't take your jeep.

I've got a great witness-- you.

Oh, no. You set this whole thing up

just to make me look like a fool.

No. That job's been taken.

-Look, where's my jeep? -I don't know. Honest!

You've really gone too far this time.

Aw, where's your great sense of humor?

I want my jeep, Pierce!

What are you gonna do, beat it out of me, copper?

You'd like me to do that, wouldn't you? I'm not that stupid.

I'm sorry. It was a natural mistake.

Where's my jeep?

You have a real flair for decorating.

Goes with your nostrils.

I want my jeep, Pierce. I want my jeep!

-I don't know where your damn jeep is. -Now don't--

What the hell's in there?

You seem to have kicked my patients

right in the X-rays.

Possibly you had a negative reaction.

I think I broke something.

Well, I'm glad it wasn't me.

All right. Let me take a look.

Ohh!

Dr. Wu says the treatment's completed.

Good. How do you feel, Major?

Knitted and purled.

Please stand, Major.

Come on. Upsy-daisy, Winchester.

Let's road test that sacroiliac.

Are you mad? I've just been stabbed!

-I could be crippled for life! -Up, Moby!

Easy! Easy! Easy. Easy.

-Come on now. -Easy!

It would seem I'm cured.

Like a side of pork. Well done, Dr. Wu.

Well, Winchester, it seems as though

you're about to chow down

on a three-course dinner of crow.

Willingly. I have acted shamefully.

My apologies to you and your most learned colleagues.

You are truly doctors.

Larry, Moe, Curly.

Dr. Wu say not bad for three stooges, eh?

Yeah. No.

HAWKEYE: You really ought to see a doctor about that foot.

You're a doctor. Do something. Set it.

You wouldn't trust an 8 ball like me.

Come on, Pierce. You took an oath. Now help me.

You've seen too many doctor movies.

By the way, how are you at limping?

Come on now. You know it hurts like hell.

All right, I'll tell you what.

-I'll make you a package offer. -What?

First, I'll find out who swiped your jeep,

and I'll get it back to you.

Second, I'll give back the jeep I took,

and third, I'll fix your foot.

That's more like it.

But you owe me $4.00 for the X-ray.

What? I want to see another doctor.

Boy, are you in luck. There's a convention in town

just a short hop across the compound.

You know something, Pierce?

You really stink.

I do my best.

Okay. Let's go. Four bucks.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, it's only sprained.

Nothing to kick about.

Four bucks and you tell me it's only sprained?

That's my fee for a pound of flesh.

Here's to justice, poetic and otherwise.

No, here's to you for stealing Snyder's jeep.

I thought tilting at windmills wasn't your game, Sancho?

Hey, I'm a born tilter.

Besides, I couldn't let you be stupid for both of us.

Well, in honor of that wonderful team

of Fool and Hardy, the drinks are on me.

-Hey. -Barkeep, the check.

-Two doubles. That's $1.20. -Here's four bucks.

Keep the change.