Original subtitles

After what I've been through today, he'll see you now,

and there's no telling what he'll do.

-Who? Your husband? -Yes.

How many times have I told you

what I've been through this past year?

My life isn't my own. He suspects us constantly.

The mere mention of your name, and he--

-he raves like a madman. -Oh, what a shame.

The current lunacy must be quite a strain on you. Pathetic.

Paul, this is no time to joke. Please--

-How much of this can a man take? -Huh?

We must have seen this picture 12 times in the past month.

RITA HAYWORTH: I've arranged everything...

It's a recurring nightmare with popcorn.

Shh!

Everything I've done.

You are so completely bewildered.

I opened in a play tonight,you know.

Of course. How was it?

A smash. It went like a house afire.

-And you? -At my best.

-I'm so glad. -Thank you.

B.J.: I'll see you in town tomorrow morning at 10:00.

Why, you dirty little liar!

Paul! You're mad!

Ah, you'll see me again tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow

or ever again as long as you live.

Do you know what it's like

to look in the eyes of a woman while she's lying? Ha ha ha!

Forgive me. I should be more tolerant of liars.

I have been one myself so often.

All right, children! That does it!

Switch on those lights!

You two baboons spoiled a swell movie.

No, we didn't. It's been here so long, it spoiled by itself.

Yeah!

I've seen better film forming in my soup!

Yeah? Well, I happen to think

this is a fine piece of celluloid.

As a matter of fact,

it's my and Mildred's favorite.

Mildred loves Charles Boyer.

This is a war, you know!

Be grateful that we got a talkie!

We are! But don't you think

we deserve a little decent entertainment?

God knows everything else around here stinks.

-Right? -Right!

Like the lousy mail service!

Okay! Okay!

That's enough!

Well, now, it looks like we're not the only malcontents in this tent.

New movies, new movies.

New movies! New movies!

New movies! New movies! New movies! New movies!

MAN : Attention! Attention! Attention, all personnel.

-Incoming wounded. Report to O.R. on the double.

-Sorry, folks. That's it for the movie.

HAWKEYE: Nothing ever changes.

Same old love stories in the mess tent.

Same old horror stories in here.

Some double feature. Hemostat.

Aha. Finis. Cut for me, please, will you?

Good. Lieutenant, would you close the skin for me?

I want to get at the hand.

Right. You did a beautiful job on his leg, Doctor.

Ah. You are indeed a perceptive woman. Thank you.

Margaret, I shall need another nurse here, please.

Yes, I'm gonna handle it, doctor.

Having some trouble over there, Winchester?

Au contraire,Colonel.

Thanks to an incomparable display

of surgical prestidigitation,

this lad will still have two legs to stand on

when he gives me the ovation I so richly deserve.

Ah, the immortal words

of Elizabeth Barrett Winchester:

How do I love me? Let me count the ways.

Yowsa, yowsa. Once again from the Arrogance Ballroom,

you've just heard Satchmo Winchester blowing his own horn.

Ha ha ha ha. Spew on, supercilious twits.

This lad was a mélange of mortar fragments,

an airtight candidate for amputation.

But an arterial graft here, a bit of tendon repair there,

and this boy shall soon be walking home.

How about the hand, doctor?

Well, there's slight damage

to the flexor tendon and the neurovascular bundle.

Winchester, you've got a silo full of smug,

but you sure know which end of a scalpel is up.

That kid doesn't know how lucky he is.

He was unconscious the whole time the movie was playing.

Yeah, well, he's not out of the woods yet.

He's still got 30 or 40 more chances to see it.

Yeah, but thanks to Charles,

he'll be able to walk out on it.

Okay, that tears it!

I'm fed up with your silly jokes

about the movies, the food,

and everything else under my command.

So since you two wisenheimers are such experts

on what's wrong around here, report to my office at 0700.

-Why? -What for?

You two have just volunteered

to be our morale officers.

This little best seller

is the 100-10 Field Service Regulations Manual.

A thriller from contents to appendix.

Thanks, but we'll wait for the movie.

Now, you need only concern yourselves

with section VI,

from which I quote:

"Administration within a command

provides certain services which strengthen morale.

These are called morale services."

Hence the name.

Ah, that wit and humor

warms the cockles of this old ticker, boys.

Morale here is lower than a gopher's basement.

But quicker than that,

I expect to see this whole post

doing huzzahs and handsprings.

Any questions? Fine.

Don't forget-- I want to see everybody smiling!

Smiling!

Top of the morning, bringers of mirth and good cheer.

I offer you the heartfelt congratulations

of the entire company clerical staff.

Now, if you'll just sign here, I'll be on my way.

-What's this? -Field Service Regulations

section 6, number 84, paragraph 8-- "Leaves of Absence.

"Morale officers may grant leaves of absence

in accordance with the policy prescribed by"--

This is for two weeks.

I can't get to Toledo overnight.

Sign on the dotted line. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Prince.

Sorry, knave. We're not travel agents.

W-Well, how about three days?

Toledo-- a whirlwind tour.

I thought you gave up this disappearing act.

This dismal, rotten place has reached a new high in low.

Look at this withering shell of a man.

I need to relax and unwind.

Company clerking is hell.

You're just doctors.

You don't know the meaning of pressure.

-Oh, very good. -Bravo!

You see, Klinger,

it's just that kind of unashamed con artistry

that has made you an indispensable cog

in the new Pierce-Hunnicutt happiness machine.

Man can resist only so much flattery.

Good. Now, the first thing we need from you is a suggestion box.

-Make a box? -Yeah.

Any idiot can do that.

You want a bigger challenge? Find us some better movies.

That should be easy, considering the fact

that the best one we've seen in months

is The Field Pack-- Your Canvas Buddy.

Ah! The morale officers. Let's talk morale.

"Army and air force exchanges

"directly affect soldier welfare and morale

by supplying items of comfort and necessity."

Paragraph 86, section C, U.S. Army Field Manual.

We're in trouble, Hawk, It's manual warfare.

My nurses would love a supply of cosmetics.

Here's the list. I'd like it filled immediately, please.

Happy to be of service, Major.

Here you are, Beej.

-There you are, Klinger. -What is this?

You guys are really great morale officers.

"Klinger, put up a suggestion box."

"Klinger, get Gone With the Wind."

"Klinger, go to the drugstore." Pardon me.

-Where are you going? -To build a suggestion box.

I got a doozy to stick in it.

I'm warning you two. I want those cosmetics,

so don't just leave it up to that desert dunce!

Private Sheridan?

Private Sheridan? Hello.

I'm Dr. Winchester. We met yesterday,

but I doubt that you will recall it.

You were quite unconscious.

Where am I?

You're at the 4077th MASH.

-Oh. -You're quite a lucky lad.

You and mortar had a rather intense disagreement.

Nine times out of 10 with a wound like that, the leg would be lost,

but, uh, you caught me on a good day.

You won't be doing the Lindy overnight,

but with proper care, that leg will be 100%.

Why is there a bandage on my hand? What's wrong with it?

When you consider that boys come through here every day

and lose their sight, limbs, even their lives--

What happened to my hand?

Well, you have some nerve and tendon damage.

Fortunately, there will be only slightly diminished use of three fingers.

They'll look perfectly normal.

What do you mean, slightly diminished?

There will be a certain loss of dexterity.

For how long?

Afraid it'll be permanent.

-Oh, my God. -But your leg will be fine--

I don't care about my leg.

Damn it.

I don't understand.

My legs are nothing.

These are my life. I play the piano.

I'm a concert pianist.

A pianist?

Well, any helpful suggestions?

Well, this one is interesting, but I'm afraid

burning down the entire camp would be impractical.

First Annual Naked Day shows promise.

We're working on that.

I see. Oh.

Uh, how did your Simon Says tournament turn out?

Oh, great. B.J. won. I came in second.

Nobody else showed up.

Evening, Captains Heckle and Jeckle.

I'd have been here sooner,

but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.

Well, after just two days, what did you expect? Miracles?

I expected a big goose egg,

but you two haven't even done that good.

These folks expected a lot from you.

And getting let down is worse

than having no hope in the first place.

Oh, now, Colonel,

I don't think it's as bad as all that.

Right! Everything is under control.

Listen, you two. Where are the cosmetics I asked for?

My nurses are human beings, you know?

They have needs. But you don't seem to care.

Who cares about a bunch of nurses powdering their noses?

When are we gonna get those new movies you promised, huh?

-Yeah! -Where are they?

Patience, everybody. Patience.

At this very moment,

an emissary is tracking down one of Hollywood's finest.

-Oh, yeah. -Sure.

Here comes Mr. Show Business now. Any luck, Shobe?

So far, the only nibble

is a movie called Terror in the Tiny Town.

It's a Western with an all-midget cast.

Oh, great. What do we do, show it on a pillowcase?

With selected tall subjects.

I'm serious. It's a real movie.

You guys stink.

Who wants to see a shrimp cowboy?

-Yeah! -That's right.

You want a morale problem? What about mine?

-The food in this place is disgusting, right? -ALL: Right!

-Well, I don't cook it, right? -Right!

But who has to stand over this slop every day

and listen to everybody's gripes and dumb jokes about it?

-Who? -Me! Well, I've had it!

If you don't like the swill here, talk to the cook!

-Where's the cook? -Eating at Rosie's!

ALL : Kill the cook. Kill the cook! Kill the cook!

See what you've done? Father, you'd better talk to them.

-Not without a whip and a chair. -I don't blame you.

This place is a cat's whisker from loco.

-I'll take care of this.

Okay, hold it. Hold it down! Hold it down, everybody!

I was hoping we could keep this a secret,

but I guess now's the time to tell you.

My associate and I have been planning

a big surprise dinner party for tomorrow night.

Oh, yeah? What kind of a party?

That's the surprise. But I guarantee you

it will be spectacularly unforgettable.

Well it better be! It better be!

What kind of a lamebrain scheme are you two hatching?

Oh-ho, Colonel, that would spoil the surprise.

Let's go, Beej.

This I gotta see.

Don't forget, unforgettable.

You don't have a thing in mind, do you?

Even less than that.

David?

-What time is it? -It's very late.

David, I'm sorry to awaken you,

but I feel that we need to talk.

Doctor, we have talked.

How many times do you need to come here?

I've told you I don't blame you for what happened,

but that doesn't give me my hand back.

Whether you blame me or not makes no difference.

It's you, David. You see no future for yourself, and that gnaws at me.

Your concern is admirable,

but there must be better ways for you to spend your time

because I don't give a damn.

You have a very special gift.

Had, doctor. Had.

I'm very tired. Good night.

You know, you're being much too harsh on yourself.

You mustn't think that you failed.

But I have.

The boy's a graduate of Juilliard.

He just embarked on a promising career.

I reach out to him,

but no matter what I do, I cannot get through.

That's not your fault.

Oh, isn't it?

We both know that there are other doctors here

more able to show compassion, provide comfort.

I have no magic words.

I work my wonders on flesh and bone.

I perform no miracle surgery on the soul.

That's-- That's your department.

Major,

I know how difficult it was for you to come here.

It's obvious that you care a great deal.

Of course I care.

Then you must not give up.

There's no one here

with a greater love or-or knowledge of music.

And that's the key. You must show him

that his musical career is not over.

You can't let him waste that precious talent that God has given him.

Thank you, Father.

Big surprise dinner party.

Spectacularly unforgettable.

Did you ever consider renting your mouth out

to the motor pool as a garage?

Beej, if we don't come up with something soon,

we're gonna be modeling the latest

in tar-and-feather wear.

Let's attack this rationally.

I'd rather attack you irrationally.

Come on. Think back. You remember

some special dinner party you once went to?

Sure. Lucia Murphy's 14th birthday.

We played spin the bottle and sent out for Chinese food.

Now, there's a nice touch of home.

Dinner just like Mao used to make.

Hawk, admit it. No matter what kind

of spectacular food we come up with,

as soon as it hits those tin trays

on those crummy tables in that rotten tent,

it's still gonna be a mess.

So we won't have it in the tent.

What can we eat outside?

-Dirt. -No! A picnic!

We'll have a cookout.

Wait a minute. Wait a--W-W-Wait!

I just got a great idea

that will save us from a lifetime of death.

You're gonna take us all out for American food.

Close, but wrong.

We'll bring America here. We'll have a beach party.

Big fire, blankets, singing.

Huge boiling kettle full of lobsters, crabs, clams, whatever they've got.

Hawkeye,

I don't see a whole lot of lifeguards around here.

Yeah, well you would if this was Inchon.

And where's there sea, there's gotta be seafood, Mama.

Hah! What do you think? What do you think?

Does that sound fantastic?

That really sounds stupid.

But is it possible?

Of course. The stupid is always possible.

Great. Can you leave right away?

Me? You want me to drive halfway across Korea

on treacherous roads over hostile terrain?

I don't want my Purple Heart to read

"He gave his life for crabs."

Klinger, the future of the whole camp depends on this.

-Not to mention our lives. -Aha!

Your wanting me in the driver's seat

certainly puts me in the driver's seat

for, say, a three-day pass?

-Thief! -"Thief" is such an ugly word.

Shall we say "entrepreneur"? Sign here, Prince.

I'll fill in the date after I decide on one.

This is blackmail, and I won't stand for it.

Klinger, Colonel Potter tells me

you're going down to Seoul for him.

Son of a gun. Now that you mention it--

You were planning on going to Seoul the whole time!

It's only an inch from Inchon.

You sneak! You stole three days from us.

"Stole" is such an ugly word.

Shall we say "creatively acquired"?

Klinger, this is a list of pieces of music.

The military library in Seoul

should have at least some of them.

Please get them for me, will you? Thank you. Gentlemen.

That's the most fun he's been in two days.

Klinger, get back here as fast as you can.

We want a few minutes before the party

to beat the daylights out of you.

Hey! Hey, Captain Cook,

what about the big dinner party?

You better be quick, or your goose is cooked.

Yeah, you bums, you!

You guys are all talk and no food!

The natives are hungry tonight.

Listen to the pounding of those gums.

If Klinger doesn't get here soon,

we're gonna be the featured danglers at a lynching.

What do you say we go see Colonel Potter,

find out if he's heard from him?

Yeah, let's keep low.

-Maybe they won't notice us. -Yeah.

-Hey, you bums!

-Coast is clear. -Good.

There they are!

-Where are the movies? -They're getting away.

-Somebody get a rope! -Let's season 'em!

-Have we crossed into enemy territory? -I hope so.

-Where the hell is Klinger? -At last. A friendly face.

I knew this would happen.

Klinger would be back with our cosmetics by now

if you hadn't sent him off on a wild-fish chase!

You've completely destroyed the morale in this camp.

Let me know if that crowd gets out of control

so I can go out there and egg 'em on.

I take it you haven't heard from Klinger.

No, but I'm sure

we'll get a postcard from Toledo any day now.

Oh, come on, Colonel. Just 'cause he's a little late?

You call it late. I call it permanently skedaddled.

How could you three-day suckers give Klinger a blank pass?

That's like the warden asking Willie Sutton to lock up the hoosegow.

Colonel, you're just jumping to conclusions.

Well, jump on this.

He took his footlocker with him.

A year's change of duds to go with his change of scenery.

-You dopes! -You idiots!

-Klinger!

HAWKEYE: What took you so long?

Please, please.

An artiste cannot be rushed.

-There you go, sir. -Ah!

Treat this with care. It's loaded with live crabs.

Shh. I told 'em I was taking 'em to the circus.

Why'd you take your footlocker?

What's a beach party without beach?

-Give me another one of those crabs.

What a terrific idea! These crabs are delicious.

Sure are. And the best part's right here,

inside the little first baseman's mitt.

You two are lucky Klinger came through,

or you'd be skinny-dipping in that kettle.

Oh, you're right.

Underestimating Klinger's become a national pastime.

Thank you, sirs.

Hate to eat and run,

but I've got to pack for three days

and a fun-filled trip in Seoul.

Okay, I've had some fresh air.

Can we go back now?

No, not quite yet.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What are we doing here, doctor?

I don't want a drink.

Good.

Because you're not gonna get one.

What the hell is this all about?

Please, David.

-I'm sure you've heard of these. -Huh?

Pieces for the left hand. Of course I've heard of them.

What are you suggesting now?

That I make a career out of a few freak pieces

written for one hand?

Not at all. I won't make any pretense

about your physical ability to play concerts.

Not my point.

Are you familiar with the story behind the Ravel?

No, and I don't really--

It was written for an Austrian concert pianist

named Paul Wittgenstein.

He lost his right arm during the First World War.

He embarked on a long search to commission piano works

for the left hand alone.

Composer after composer turned him down,

but he refused to give up.

Finally, he found Ravel

who, like him, was willing to accept this great challenge.

Don't you see?

Your hand may be stilled,

but your gift cannot be silenced if you refuse to let it be.

Gift? You keep talking about this damn gift.

I had a gift, and I exchanged it

for some mortar fragments, remember?

Wrong. Because the gift does not lie in your hands.

I have hands, David.

Hands that can make a scalpel sing.

More than anything in my life,

I wanted to play,

but I do not have the gift.

I can play the notes,

but I cannot make the music.

You've performed Liszt,

Rachmaninoff, Chopin.

Even if you never do so again, you've already known a joy

that I will never know as long as I live.

Because the true gift is in your head

and in your heart and in your soul.

Now, you can shut it off forever,

or you can find new ways

to share your gift with the world--

through the baton, the classroom, the pen.

As to these works,

they're for you

because you and the piano will always be as one.

Ohh! Here's the hermit crab.

Ah, gentlemen.

From the sounds of this evening's revelries,

your soiree was eminently successful.

-My congratulations. -Oh, thank you.

Wow. The man is positively aglow.

We must be better at morale-ing than we thought, Hawk.

Major Giggles here wasn't even at the party,

and we cheered him up by remote control.

Hey, Beej, I got a great way to end the war.

We shell North Korea with crabs.

Ha ha! No kidding, Charles.

You missed some good food and a great time.

Thank you, gentlemen, but you need not concern yourselves.

I'm doing just fine, thank you.

Each of us must dance to his own tune.