Original subtitles

Dear Uncle Abdul...

Sorry it's been so long since I've written you...

but I have a new job here.

I've been busier than a one-armed paperhanger.

-Get it?

But seriously, right now there's a cease-fire, so--

We got wounded.

Huh? What are you talkin' about?

How'd anybody get wounded?

A bunch of our boys on a routine patrol

accidentally runs into a bunch of their boys doin' the same thing.

And everybody feels obliged to start pullin' triggers.

-Klinger, take a memo. -Okay, but I won't sit on your lap.

To all Unit Commanders, Korean Theater, both sides.

Dear Dummies: A cease-fire means that firing ceases.

Won't work, Hawk.

Cease-fire only works in a war.

This is a police action.

You can take it from me, boys and girls,

this is a war.

It's my third, and, God willing, my last.

A war by any other name would smell just as rotten.

This little set-to is different, though.

Seems like the reasons we're here aren't as clear.

Quite true, Colonel. There's no feeling of unity,

no brave slogans to rally around,

like, uh, "Remember Pearl Harbor."

Exactly, Padre. In the last fracas,

people seemed to care.

We were all fighting it together.

And in W.W.I,

people went around singing ♪ Over there, over there

That's what this war needs-- its own song. Let's see.

♪ How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm ♪

♪ After they've seen Pusan

Sounds familiar, but not bad, Pierce.

Not bad? It's terrific.

And who could forget

♪ Mademoiselle from Panmunjom, Ouijongbu ♪

Pretty good giggle, Hunnicutt.

You really can come up with 'em once in a while.

Oh, you're just laughing at him 'cause underneath that mask

he's got on a funny nose and mustache.

Can the correspondence, Klinger.

-But, sir, I'm-- -No buts. Let's skedaddle.

Sophie's at her best just after breakfast.

I'll be back, Unc. Make yourself at home.

There is nothing more grand, more classically military

than the equestrian officer.

What could be more noble

than the soldier astride his trusty steed?

I really hate this, sir.

I feel stupid dressed up like a colonel.

Tough patooties.

You didn't use to mind

dressing up like a colonel's wife!

Now straighten up! Throw out that chin!

My chin is out, sir.

Then suck in that nose.

Arch that back!

Remember, this is a self-portrait.

That's me you're being.

I'll fill in my own hard-bitten but lovable face later.

-Something funny?

It's just a letter from my dad.

Ah. More racy tidbits from Crabapple Cove?

He mentions a terrific old joke. Always used to kill me.

That good, huh?

Possibly the funniest clean joke of all time.

Well, are you just gonna sit there hogging all the guffaw,

or do I get to hear it too?

All right. Okay, but don't blame me

if you fall off that stool laughing and break your klavey.

Just tell me the joke. I'll worry about my own klavey.

Okay, here it is. Here it is.

This guy owns a circus, see?

And one day he's in there, uh, checkin' out the big top,

and this scrawny little guy walks in-- walks in the door.

He walks over to the boss, and he says,

"Are you the boss here?"

Guy says, "Yeah. What do you want?"

He says, "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act."

The guy says, "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is."

So this little guy goes over to the center pole,

and he starts climbing up the pole.

And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up.

He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top.

And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath,

and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms.

And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top!

He goes all the way around the place.

He goes around the center pole. Pshew!

He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes.

Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Then he gets all the way up,

and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground.

Ahhhh! Flapping his arms like mad.

And he lands right next to the boss.

And he says, "Well, what do ya think?"

The boss says, "That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

Ha ha ha.

Get it?

Bird imitations.

Yeah, I get it. It's cute.

Cute? You give the world's funniest joke a smirk and a cute?

That's like saying Ava Gardner has pleasant features.

Hawk, I'm sorry. I didn't think it was all that funny.

Certainly nothing to write Korea about.

What is the matter with you?

When I tell that joke, I get screams.

Well, I hate to smirk and run, but I'm due in post-op.

See you later, Uncle Miltie.

You wouldn't know a good joke if it leaped up

and bit you on the funny bone!

Father, you're a pretty funny guy, as priests go.

Did you hear that fantastic joke I just told?

I did notice you jumping about quite a bit,

but, uh, I see a great deal of that here.

Frankly, I wasn't paying much attention.

This guy owns a circus, see?

Uh, Hawkeye, uh,

my mind is kind of occupied with something else just now.

-Could it wait? -Yeah, sure, I guess so. What are you doing?

After our little discussion in O .R., I--

I took it upon myself to write a Korean War song.

You did? Really? Well, let me hear it.

Well, I've only just started.

And I've never done this sort of thing before.

Well, all right, all right. I'll--

I'll play you what I've got so far.

It's sort of a love song.

Oh.

♪ Oh, my dear

♪ I can't wait to see ya

♪ But I'm here in South Korea ♪

♪ The picture you sent was quite an eyeful ♪

♪ I've taped it to my trusty rifle ♪

-What do you think? -Well--

It's no "Halls of Montezuma," is it?

No, but it rhymes a lot.

-You know what they say

about people who sit by themselves and giggle in the middle of a war.

Forgive the chortling

and grab a seat, Pierce.

You're a man who fancies a good joke.

Well, I heard me a doozy this morning.

And every time I think about it,

I start up again--

busting my slats.

Well, come on, Colonel. Spill it.

I wanna get a laugh out of something besides what's on my tray.

Okay, here goes. There's this fell-- this fellow, see?

-Yeah.

-Is lunch that funny?

The colonel is about to regale me with a joke.

Sit down, Klinger. I can regale two for the price of one.

Anyway, there's this fellow who owns a circus.

And one day, he's checkin' out the big top.

And this scrawny little guy comes in

who wants to join the circus.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, sure, you must've heard it too.

So did I. B.J. told me. Funny joke!

Well, he hit me with it a while ago in post-op.

I can just see that little guy flappin' around the big top.

Poor guy. "That's all you do?"

BOTH: "Bird imitations?"

The way he tells it kills me.

With the--

Ahhhhhhh!

And he pulls out of the dive at the last possible minute,

flaps to a stop, and says, "Well, how'd you like it?"

And the circus boss says,

"That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

That's wonderful, yes?

-Funny! -Thanks.

Quite right, Pierce. He doth sometimes show a spark of wit.

-Wit my joke, he doth. -Your joke?

You created that wondrous anecdote?

Well, no, but I have the Korean rights to it.

Ahhh. Aha!

And you resent Hunnicutt

basking in the glow of your spotlight, eh?

Well, I'm sure you'll settle it like children.

Excuse me. I have pressing business.

"So what'd you think of it?"

"That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

Hi, there! Remember me, your gag writer?

Hawk, it's only a joke.

Only a joke? I tell it to you,

and you look at me like I read you the obituaries.

The next thing I know, you're gettin' big laughs all over camp,

telling the same joke.

Well, it's not exactly the same joke.

-I tell it better. -Huh.

Some people can tell a joke, and some can't.

Are you tryin' to tell me you tell jokes better than I do?

-Maybe it's the funny mustache. -Uh, doctors,

if I can just interrupt this important medical consultation--

Yeah. I never say no to anybody with his own infantry support.

-Who-- Who's your friend? -Says his name is Eddie.

He just walked in off the line.

-He's a little confused. -Uh-huh.

-Hi, Eddie. -Hi.

-What can we do for ya? -Is Hank here?

-Who? -Hank's his buddy.

I'm supposed to go wherever he goes. Is he here?

Uh, I don't--I don't know, Eddie. You, Beej?

I don't know, either. What makes you think he'd be here?

Well, he got shot.

Well, we get a lot of that here.

MAN: Hey, Eddie, is that you?

Dave.

I'm--I'm tryin' to find Hank. You seen him?

Yeah. He's right over there in the last bunk.

He's got hit pretty bad.

Well, is he okay?

Doc?

-Yeah. -How's Hank?

You talkin' about Corporal Fleming?

-That's him. -Well, he's still unconscious,

but he's gonna be fine. You remember, Hawk?

He's the kid who got all the shrapnel in his neck.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He lost a lot of blood, but he'll be all right.

I'm gonna go sit with him, okay?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Hey, soldier, is that kid all right?

Eddie? Well, sure.

He's just a little slow. You know.

What do you mean slow?

He's just not too bright.

Uh, back in Basic, Hank was the squad leader,

and they sorta made him responsible for Eddie.

He helped him on tests and kept him outta trouble.

That sort of thing.

Wait a minute. You tryin' to say

this Eddie has some sort of mental problem?

No. No, Eddie's okay.

He's just not as smart as some people.

What the hell is a kid like that doing in combat?

Maybe there were no openings on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Does your C.O. know about this?

Oh, sure. Everybody does.

Most of us sorta look out for Eddie.

And he's a pretty good soldier.

When Hank got hit, Eddie took care of his wound,

picked him up and carried him back to Battalion Aid.

I guess he must've just followed the litter jeep down here.

Eddie's fine...

as long as he stays with Hank.

That's gonna be kinda tough.

Day after tomorrow, Hank goes home.

Klinger, where is my footlocker?

I suppose in your tent.

I have just come from my tent.

What I have in there can no longer be called a footlocker,

because you cannot call something a locker if it doesn't lock!

What I have in there is a foot-opener!

And some disgusting deviant in this camp has done just that!

Opened it! Violated my personal, private, intimate belongings!

The major wouldn't be imagining things, would she?

Klinger, I know violating when I see it.

Now I requested a new footlocker.

I wanna know why I haven't got it yet.

-They turned ya down. -Turned me down!

Major, I told you it was a long shot.

I-Corps says they'll only replace a footlocker

if it's damaged in combat.

That's ridiculous! This is a hospital unit.

What kind of combat do we see here?

Well, I don't make the rules. I just live by 'em.

It's the good old American sense of fair play.

Don't give me that garbage, you clown!

What am I supposed to do with my personal belongings?

I got a hope chest I'm not using anymore.

How would you like to find yourself stuffed inside it?

Klinger, the time has come.

Oh, sorry, Major. I didn't know you were here.

What the hell are you supposed to be?

This happens to be the finest

in autumn hunting attire from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Well, you look like an overgrown bagpipe.

Thank you.

Major Houlihan and I were just winding things up.

Excellent. I have the rest of the day off.

Sorry, ma'am, but duty calls.

This is a business matter of the utmost importance.

What about my footlocker?

I am sorry about that, but my hands are tied.

To the hunt, Major!

Hi, doc.

Am I gonna be okay?

Well, I wouldn't do any heavy yodeling for a while,

but other than that, you're fine.

Great.

Uh, let me see. Anything else?

Um, oh, yeah. Yeah.

We're gonna send you down to an evac hospital today.

You're headin' home.

-What?

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah.

-Thanks. -Thank you.

I love telling people that.

I just wish they didn't have to get shot to hear me say it.

By the way, you got a visitor.

Rise and shine. Time for roll call.

Huh?

Eddie? Is that you?

Hank.

Hi, Hank. You all right?

Yeah.

Eddie wrapped a field bandage on your wound

and carried you down to Battalion Aid.

Probably saved you from bleeding to death.

-Hey, Eddie, thanks, buddy. -That's okay.

I told you, didn't I?

You're gettin' to be a hell of a soldier.

Yeah, well...

it'll sure be good when you're better

and we're together again.

Eddie, listen--

Doc, I'd like to take care of this myself, okay?

Yeah.

Major, we've been out here for three hours,

and you haven't shot one lousy pigeon.

Quail, you Lavatch.

What do you say we just forget about the 20 bucks?

You don't pay me anything if we go home right now.

Now? Empty-handed?

Klinger, ever since my trusty shotgun arrived,

I have been waiting for this chance.

And if you were a proper bird-flusher,

we would now be back in camp

with a covey of delicious fowl.

Don't blame me. I'm flushin' my face off.

You're the one who missed twice.

Missed? Missed?

If you recall, you tripped and jostled my arm.

You clumsy clot. Now keep a sharp lookout.

Try this one, Abdul.

Remember yesterday I was a colonel's body?

Well, today I'm a major's bird dog.

Silence, Kling--

Klinger, look ahead there, in that clearing.

It is indeed our quarry.

Good boy.

Okay. I'll flush the little bugger.

-Then can we go home? -I promise you.

If I bag one bird, you will be off the hook.

Now, big fella.

Tally ho! Yoiks!

Eureka!

Holy Toledo!

Either that bird hit a land mine,

or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon.

I don't care what you say. I'm getting outta here!

Maj--Major!

Major!

I kinda wish you weren't leavin'.

We've been together a long time.

You ain't kiddin', pal.

It's a good thing too.

If we hadn't been together when I got clomped,

I might not have made it.

I'm scared.

I ain't never been alone before.

You know me--dummy.

You're not a dummy.

You're good. You're tough.

You got nothin' to be scared of.

Besides,you ain't gonna be alone.

From now on, you and me are buddies.

We worked it all out, didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

Then don't sweat it, or I'll come back over here

and knock you around.

Can I write you?

You better.

We got room for one more.

Anybody else with tickets for the bus tour?

I'm ready to go, doc.

-Thanks. -Don't mention it.

All part of the Fun Fiesta package here at Camp Patchemup.

And don't worry about Eddie. He's gonna be okay.

I'm glad to hear that.

I just hope all the Eddies over here

have buddies like you.

Thanks for everything, Eddie.

Take care of things, huh, Dave?

It's a deal.

Bye, Hank.

Hey, he's gonna be fine. How are you doing?

Oh, I'm all right. We worked it all out.

Eddie's gonna hitch a ride up to the unit and talk to the sarge.

You stick with him for a couple of days, and then I'll be back.

-Right? -Right.

Before you shove off, come to the mess tent.

You can pick up an order of cramps to go.

Specialty today is ambush stew.

It'll attack you when you least expect it.

Ambush stew.

You're funny.

-Klinger! Hold it right there! -Oh, no. Now what?

Where have you been?

Oh,just out making an ass of myself.

It's a rare gift he has.

I've had it with you, that footlocker,

and every debased pervert in this camp!

No longer is mere violating good enough.

Now we're up to stealing!

Don't take it out on me, Major.

I didn't do anything.

That has nothing to do with it!

If you were man enough to stand up to I-Corps,

the creeps in this camp wouldn't be stealing my underwear!

Probably just some secret admirer

who has difficulty expressing himself verbally.

Major, my heart bleeds, but I told you,

I-Corps won't replace a personal item

unless it's damaged in combat!

Aaah! What-- Don't-- I--

Of course, Corporal.

Oh.

Excuse me, Major Winchester.

There I was in my tent.

Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me

and fired two shots! Bang! Bang!

Without hesitation, my valiant footlocker,

flung itself in the direct line of fire,

giving its life that I might live.

So take this worthless piece of junk and get me a new one!

And make it quick, or I'll use the same technique

to replace a defective company clerk.

Thank you, Major.

And he lands right next to the big guy.

And he says, "Uh, so, what do ya think?"

And the circus guy says, "That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

-I remember that. -I don't know, Pierce.

Well, now look, I know you've seen this about a dozen times,

but I mean, who tells it better, me or B.J.?

Well, that's just it. It's hard to say. You flap pretty good.

-Uh-huh. -But Hunnicutt has a certain

lilt in his voice.

There. You see? I have lilt.

Who cares about lilt? Does Red Skelton have lilt?

Does Jackie Gleason have lilt?

This is a visual joke here.

It's moves that count, not lilt.

I must admit, Pierce,

you create the illusion of flight admirably.

There. You see what I mean?

But Hunnicutt brings

a wonderful panache to the telling.

There you have it. You can't beat lilt and panache.

Feh on panache! What do you think, Margaret?

Don't get me into this.

I think it's a stupid joke.

Nobody can fly just by going--

There must be an objective opinion around here somewhere.

-Hey, Klinger! -Yeah. What?

You seem to be a disinterested bystander.

I certainly am. Very disinterested.

We need the answer to a question

that's been plaguing man for centuries.

What is it?

Who's the funniest guy in this camp,

me or B.J.?

You interrupt an important letter

to ask me a stupid question like that?

-Uh-huh. -Yeah, tell us

once and for all, who's the funniest?

-It's no contest. -Ahhh.

Neither one of ya.

What are you talking about?

You guys don't even make the first cut.

I'm tryin' to tell my uncle

what kind of a place I work in.

Doctors, nurses, savin' lives.

I got a commanding officer

who dresses me up in his clothes

and sits me on a horse named Sophie

so he can paint his own picture.

There's a priest writing war ditties,

and a snooty major who pays me 20 bucks,

to follow him out in the woods

and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine.

And if that doesn't do it for ya,

I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage.

All you two guys do is walk around all day tellin'jokes.

What the hell's so funny about that?

See, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section 8.

There's nothing special about me.

Everybody here is crazy.

How's the war song coming, Father?

Well, I'm not sure really.

Tell me what you think.

♪ There's no one singing war songs now ♪

♪ Like people used to do

♪ No "Over There"

♪ No "Praise the Lord"

♪ No "Glory, hallelu"

♪ Perhaps at last we've asked ourselves ♪

♪ What we should have asked before ♪

♪ With the pain and death

♪ This madness brings

♪ What were we ever singing for ♪

Amen.

Wonder how Eddie's doing.

As long as he has friends like Hank and Dave,

he'll be just fine.

Think maybe you and I could learn something from them, Hawk?

We have been acting kind of stupid toward each other

the past couple of days, you know that?

With all the pressure and idiocy of this war, it's no wonder.

-Maybe we oughta call a truce. -Good idea.

Okay, no more rivalry.

No more tryin' to outdo each other all the time.

Tryin' to top each other is just silly.

You're absolutely right, pal.