Original subtitles

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Tonight's movie is a don't-miss--

a captured Chinese Communist musical:

The Imperialist Running Dog and the Showgirl.

For those of you who don't speak Chinese,

there are subtitles in Korean.

I can't believe that breakfast they served this morning.

-Now don't start. -It was the first time I've ever seen

orange juice labeled "freshly killed."

Look, I had to drink it. Do I have to hear the reviews?

And I'm sure that was the same bacon

that wrote Shakespeare's plays.

Welcome home, Charles.

Pull up a gutter and fall down.

You look like you've come

for our free introductory autopsy.

Leave me alone.

You can't die on us, Charles.

You haven't given us our presents yet.

I brought you no presents.

I'd sooner pet a bubonic rat.

Come on. Nobody goes to Tokyo without buying presents.

I know. He's got 'em hidden away in his suitcase.

What'd you bring us? What'd you bring us?

Oh, sure-- bring back the empties.

-Where did those come from? -I don't know, Charles.

You were supposed to be at a medical seminar

at Tokyo General.

Probably had to do an emergency operation--

saved some chorus girl from sweating to death.

"Pink Parasol Nightclub and Bathhouse."

A fine hospital,

famous for their underwater appendectomies.

Am I to be spared nothing?

-Oh, look at this. -What? What?

A boutonniere with rice in it.

Come on, Charles. Tell us what happened.

All we know so far is that you were nowhere near a monastery.

Very well, gentlemen. May I speak confidentially?

-Absolutely. Man-to-man-to-man. -Yeah.

Fine. I would like to tell you

exactly what happened last night in Tokyo--

Yeah?

but I haven't the faintest idea.

I should have known better than to turn for help

to you insensitive dolts.

I'm sorry, Charles. We'll behave.

Don't you remember anything at all?

I attended some sort of party at the hospital

and fell victim to the insidious blandishments

of a rowdy surgical staff.

That's it? That's all you remember?

This morning, when I checked out of the hotel,

the manager sharply advised that I stay away--

in perpetuity.

-We gotta find out what happened.

Look in that other bag.

See if there's anything or anybody still in there.

Oh, look what I found.

Ah. Now we're getting someplace.

-Give me those. -Oh, no.

One picture is worth a thousand dollars.

We can get 'em developed in X-ray.

Now maybe we can find out what goes in these stockings.

We can drop them on our way to post-op. Come on, Charles.

Surely you jest.

I heard there were no casualties during my absence.

There weren't, but have we got a disease for you.

Are you mad?

I'm not getting off this cot until the ground stops moving.

-Come on, Charles. -Upsy-daisy.

Don't say upsy--

Ah, Corporal Shaw.

Spending a little time in the Good Book, are you?

Don't be embarrassed, son.

I often do the same thing myself. Let's see.

"Thy thighs are like jewels.

"Thy navel like a round goblet.

"Thy belly like a heap of wheat.

Thy two bre--"

It's called "The Song of Solomon."

Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, Solomon had a lot to sing about.

In your condition, I'd recommend

something a little less inspirational.

Okay. Thanks, Father.

Well, is there anything else I can do for you?

Could I have some water?

Let's see what your card says here.

We're almost there, Charles.

Stagger this way.

Ah, Hawkeye.

We have a request for water here.

No. Sorry, Shaw. You're gonna have to wait.

-Come on. -Corporal Shaw is the proud owner

-of a case of Korean hemorrhagic fever. -No liquid.

His kidneys have shut down-- better known as phase two.

-He never forgets a phase.

So, this is hemorrhagic fever.

First case I've ever seen.

How are you feeling, young man?

Okay, but I'd sure like something to drink.

Please don't say "drink."

You got it too, doc?

No, my pain, regret--

regrettably, is self-inflicted.

Not a pretty sight, is it?

Poor devil's the victim of bottle fatigue.

Got it during an entire night of hand-to-glass combat.

Don't worry, Shaw. No matter how rotten you feel,

you're in better shape than Major Disaster here.

Take it easy. We'll see you later.

-He's a very sick young man, isn't he? -Yeah.

We got two more cases warming up in the bull pen.

Couple more days, they're gonna be in the same shape he's in.

Would it help to send them down to Seoul?

I don't think so. So far nobody's been able

to find an effective treatment anywhere.

These kids' blood vessels have weakened so much,

the trip alone might kill them.

I see. Well,

since there seems to be nothing to do but wait,

I shall seize the opportunity to get some sleep.

-Gentlemen. -Ah, nap time.

-We know just the place for it. -Oh, no, I'm going--

Attention. Attention, fellow colleagues.

Welcome to the 4077th staff meeting.

It now gives me great pleasure to introduce

our distinguished speaker for the afternoon.

Klinger, can it.

I had 'em right in the palm of my hand, sir.

I know. You were knocking 'em dead. Now shuffle off to Buffalo.

You've been a great audience. Good night, ladies and germs.

All right, everybody. Let's settle down.

-Pierce, Hunnicutt,

nice of you to bring along a cadaver.

You really do look rotten, Major.

-Uh-huh. -You think he looks bad,

you ought to see Tokyo.

Winchester, if you're through mooing,

I'll get down to brass tacks.

We're smack in the middle of our semi-annual visit

from everybody's favorite disease--

Korean hemorrhagic fever.

Major Houlihan and I have the latest poop from H.Q.

It still does not appear to be contagious.

The most likely causes seem to be small insects-- chiggers or mites.

I just love the way your nostrils flare when you talk medical.

Doctor, pay attention.

I am, I am. It might be mites.

At least they're positive they're not sure.

About the only thing they do know for sure

is that 10 to 20% of the people who get it are gonna die.

Surgeon General's office calls that figure "significant."

My choice would be "appalling."

And they've sent us a change

in the prescribed treatment of patients in phase three.

Good timing. We've got Shaw in there

warming up for phase three right now.

Just to refresh our memories, Colonel, if I may,

phase three is characterized

by abnormally high urinary output,

-delirium, sometimes coma-- -Thank you, Major.

-and severe loss of appetite-- -Thank you again, Major.

What do they want us to do for Shaw?

Well, as soon as his kidneys get back to work,

the latest word is no intravenous salt solution.

No I.V. saline?

What are we supposed to give them, hot chocolate?

Colonel, these kids are gonna be putting out huge amounts of fluids.

They're gonna be losing sodium by the pound.

I know that, Hunnicutt, along with potassium chloride

and everything but their socks.

Are you getting any of this, Winchester?

Hanging on every sock, sir.

Nonetheless, the directive is very specific.

The procedure using an I.V. solution of 5% salt

is discontinued.

Has to be. These kids can't handle it.

In many cases, fluids just fill up the lungs,

and the boys literally drown internally.

Now all we need is a cure for the cure.

According to H.Q., it's no saline.

Let the disease run its course.

So what do we do? We just stand around like dummies and do nothing?

Surely, Colonel, there is something we can do.

We are physicians, not spectators.

Colonel, does that say no saline at all?

That's right. At all.

I'd put that under the heading of overcompensation.

You know the army, Beej. A ton of prevention for an ounce of cure.

Call it what you want. I think they mean it, Pierce.

"Failure to follow the procedure in this directive

"will be treated as a court-martial offense

"and can result in automatic loss of rank and pay

and dishonorable discharge." ¿Comprende?

-Oh. -Army's going soft.

They left out the rack and thumbscrews.

Sorry, doctors. They need you in post-op.

Corporal Shaw has reached phase three.

He's putting out urine by the gallon.

I couldn't go for three days,

and now I can't stop.

Maybe I ought to sleep in the latrine.

This means I'm getting better, huh, doc?

-It sure looks that way. -Even if I'm not,

I sure like going more than not going.

Last few days I knew what it felt like to be Boulder Dam.

Well, you just take it easy. You still need a lot of rest.

Gentlemen, may I recommend

that we instruct the duty nurses

to run urinary sodium levels every 30 minutes

and when that goes up, check plasma.

A surprisingly lucid idea, Charles. Congratulations.

Hey, guys, get a load of this!

I got Winchester's Tokyo pictures. They're terrific.

-Hawk? -What?

-Let's be fair. -Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Wait just-- -Ah.

Charles, do you want to look at your pictures now?

-Or do you want to sleep some more? -Mm?

What?

I can hardly wait.

That must have been some party.

It's funny, Charles. I never would have figured you

for a lampshade-on-the-head man.

Give me those, you vermin.

Good heavens.

Oh, my God.

Listen, don't feel bad, Charles.

I think you look adorable

with smiles painted on your knees.

Toulouse Lautrec must have been there.

It's all just a blur.

It must have been the sake punch.

How many did you have?

Oh, uh, two, three... bowls.

Here you are dancing with the back

of a very nicely constructed lady.

I don't think that's dancing.

It's more like he's falling and she's holding him up.

Uh-oh. The plot thickens.

The lady's back is back again-- and again.

-Ho, ho. -Unfortunately,

there aren't any pictures showing her face.

Can you blame her? She could be arrested

for contributing to the delinquency of a major.

Are you serious about this woman,

or is this just two ships who pass out in the night?

Oh. I think he's serious, Hawk. Look at that kiss.

Oh, wow! And she's got a bouquet.

Here's one where she's throwing the bouquet.

-Get away. You'll see no more of these.

Aw, come on. Charles, it's just getting interesting.

Don't worry. I got all the negatives for you guys

and for the Boston Herald.

You swine.

My future's assured--

summers in the south of France, parole for my uncle.

-He wants to go to law school. -That's nice.

Out! If you have a shred of human decency left,

you'll let me suffer in peace.

Oh, all right, Charles. We'll go.

Listen, I know things must be pretty grim for you right now,

but you just get a little rest,

and you'll have smiles on your knees in no time.

Here, look. These are Shaw's last five plasma sodiums.

First two are okay, but look at the next one.

-And the next one. -Damn. It's dropping like a stone.

He's pouring his own life away.

Do you want a calm, objective opinion?

I'm worried sick.

If he keeps putting out salt at this rate,

we could lose him.

Major Winchester.

-Major Winchester! -Huh?

I had to wake you, sir. This is really important.

Klinger, unless my pants are on fire, you are a dead man.

Major, you're in big trouble.

Oh, yeah? What sort of big trouble?

You better take this lying down, sir.

There was a call for you from Seoul, a lady.

Said she'd be here in two hours.

Oh, yeah? She have a name?

She certainly did.

Mrs. Chuck Winchester III.

All right.

We're getting nowhere.

All anybody knows for sure is hemorrhagic fever

has two H's, two R's, and no cure.

It's not all bad.

Says here under recommended treatment, "See miracle."

Unprincipled little blackmailer!

Doesn't fool me, you know, not for a moment.

Gets me blotto and then marries me--

with one beady little eye on my name

and the other on my inheritance.

Obviously a woman of double vision.

She won't get away with it, you know.

She's overlooked one small detail--

the finest lawyer in the world practices in Boston

and lives in my father's vest pocket.

Sounds comfy.

She's lying. Ha, ha. That's it.

How could I get married and not remember?

What do you mean, how? You forgot an entire Tuesday.

Probably dragged me off

to one of those sordid instant-marriage parlors

like a common sailor.

Hey, Beej, according to this Dr. Vester,

all anybody's ever tried

is increasing the concentration of the saline.

What if I'm really married?

-What am I gonna do? -Uh-oh, Dad.

Maybe it's time we had that talk with the boy.

Doctors, Colonel Potter wants you in post-op immediately.

-Shaw? -He's in shock.

Okay, Charles.

Want to take your mind off your troubles?

Come on into post-op and help out.

Gladly. Might as well help save one life.

Mine's certainly over.

How long has he been like this?

Couple of minutes. Came on him pretty quick.

-Still losing fluids? -By the gallon.

What do the lab reports say about his sodium level?

Let's talk about it outside. Those boys on the aisle

don't need to know about the coming attractions.

Look at this.

120? What do you think, Colonel?

I think if his sodium drops another ten points, he's had it.

Colonel, we gotta do something to replace it, and fast.

Can't chance it, Hunnicutt.

According to the directive, any saline could kill him.

Wait a minute. Listen.

-Beej, you remember the Vester article? -Yeah.

He said the treatment has always been

high-saline concentrates--

-up to 5%. -Right.

I use less salt in popcorn.

-And nobody's ever used low concentrates. -Yeah.

Why don't we try isotonic saline-- less than 1%?

Same sodium content as blood plasma. Shaw can handle that.

Let's run this by one more time.

If we try this idea and it fails,

that boy could die and we'd be criminally liable.

On the other hand, if we don't do anything,

we know he's gonna die.

And we've got two other boys in there

who are gonna be in the same shape any time now.

I say we have no choice. Go ahead.

Okay. Thanks, Colonel.

-Margaret? -I'll prepare the I.V.

Lots of them. Just a pinch of salt.

Now who in San Juan Hill is that?

Uh, I have a feeling this may be for you, Chuck.

You remember-- the wife of the party?

What are you boys talking about?

It's an acquaintance of mine, Colonel.

She's here for a short visit.

Well, excuse me for not observing the amenities.

I've got to get inside.

If she wants to stay the night,

you can put her in the V.I.P. tent.

She won't be staying.

Suit yourself.

But you're out of your mind.

Chuck!

Chuck, here I am.

Oh, please, no.

Look, Chuck, we can handle Shaw.

Why don't you go meet the missus?

If we have any problems, we'll call you.

And if you have any problems, call us.

-Go. Go.

Hello.

Oh. I guess you didn't expect to see me again so soon.

Your visit is somewhat of a surprise, yes.

I had to go to a meeting in Seoul,

and I knew you were stationed near Seoul,

so I just hitched a ride.

Could we talk somewhere a little more private?

Hmm. You read my mind.

-Oh, charming. -Yeah.

Now then, dear lady,

as you can imagine,

I am somewhat taken aback by your presence here.

You're angry with me.

Well, not exactly.

I don't blame you. I don't blame you.

I know when we said good-bye,

you didn't expect me to show up the very next day.

I am surprised, yes.

Well, you did invite me, you know.

I did?

It wasn't invited, really.

It was more like...

"Come live with me and be my love

and we will all the pleasures prove."

Good heavens. That is me.

How could a girl resist a line like that, hmm?

Yeah. How indeed?

-How indeed? -Especially from a man

with chip dip on his head

and cute little smiles painted on his kneecaps?

Yes, I did let my hair down...as it were.

As it were.

Well, I was swept up in the joy of the evening.

Who could forget our jolly excursion

into the Pink Parasol Nightclub and Baths?

Wasn't that place wild?

Don't I know it.

You looked so funny

dancing with that Japanese chef,

singing ♪ If you knew sushi like I know sushi ♪

I'm known for my seafaring songs.

-Oh, no. You sing wonderfully. -No.

No, you do. If it hadn't been for your "Oh Promise Me,"

the wedding wouldn't have been any fun at all.

Ah! The wedding. Yes.

Let's, uh, talk about the wedding.

All right.

Was that in the Parasol Baths as well?

Oh, no, you big lug. At the party.

Remember, you got up on the-- You don't remember!

Well, it was such a full evening.

There are certain little gaps in my memory.

I can't be expected to remember every detail. Please go on.

-The whole thing was your idea from the beginning.

-It was? -Yes!

You kept walking around saying,

"I can't keep my hands off this angel.

Somebody marry us before it's too late."

Mako Nakamura married us just to shut you up.

Mako Nakamura? Ha ha.

What was he, one of those tawdry backstreet Marrying Sams?

No, actually. A highly respected bartender

at the hotel where we had the party.

A bartender performed the ceremony?

It was a toss-up between him and the doorman,

but the doorman was busy hailing a rickshaw.

We weren't--

We aren't a-a-actually--

No!

Well. Well.

In that event, you wouldn't mind

answering an extremely personal question.

Of course not.

What is your name?

How's he doing?

No sign of fluid in his lungs.

What did you find out in the lab?

So far so good. His sodium is beginning to move up.

-You think we're on to something here? -I don't know.

What we're doing is so simple.

So was the wheel.

I hear that's catching on pretty well.

If there was only something we could stitch or rebuild--

a piece of something we could take out.

This is agony.

It's a strange feeling, isn't it?

Inside this kid's body there are microscopic armies

fighting a war bigger than Korea.

And we can't even get in it.

-And then-- Wait.

Then you walked up to the winning sumo wrestler

and said, "Get into some shorts, tubbo.

There are ladies present."

Why, the sight of those two gargantuan bottoms locked in mortal combat

is hardly as culturally uplifting as, say, The Mikado.

Maybe not, but if that man had understood English,

I'd now be known as the Widow Winchester.

On only one other occasion in my life

did I even approach that level of inebriation.

-And when was that? -That was the night after

I graduated from Harvard med school.

I distinctly remember

attempting to swim the Charles River in cap and gown,

reasoning that, since it was named after me,

-it was my river. -Well, of course.

Did you get married then too?

No. Got pneumonia.

How come you remember that

and you don't remember me?

Donna, my dear,

I'm scarcely likely to make that mistake again.

I'm simply grateful that,

even in a moment of total inebriation,

I had the sense and good taste to propose to you.

You give the longest compliments I've ever heard.

Then let me be more succinct.

-Morning, Hunnicutt. -Mmm?

Can't fool me. If it's morning, where's the sun?

Not up yet-- kind of like Pierce there.

I'm up. I'm just laying here

having a dream. It's terrible.

I'm going over Niagara Falls in a specimen bottle.

How's Corporal Shaw?

Any change yet, Beej?

Well, he's stable.

Lab report shows his sodium rising nicely, thank you.

Attaboy, Shaw. Hang in there, son.

We'll take over here. Why don't you two get some rest?

What a terrific idea--

sleeping without getting up every hour.

Here, Margaret, take the chair.

It's got smaller lumps than the bed.

Come on, Hawk. Let's see if we can find home.

I'm wide awake. I'll probably toss and turn

for two, maybe three minutes.

Hey, doc.

Did you say something? Say you said something.

What do I have to do to get something to eat around here?

He's hungry! He's hungry!

Hey, that's not so bad, huh?

There's one war with a happy ending.

We are gathered here in conclave met--

Thank you. For two reasons.

One, to celebrate Corporal Shaw's first night out.

And B,

to officially dissolve the ersatz marriage

of Mr. and Mrs. Chuck Winchester.

Cuddles. Cuddles. Cuddles.

-Father-- -Ah.

I realize that this ceremony will not be in line

with the basic tenets of your religion--

I-- I didn't know t-tennis was a religion.

No ecclesiastical conflict, Hawkeye.

The bartender who married them was a Druid.

Father, if you'll just get ready to play

"So Long, It's Been Good To Know You."

Is the flower girl ready?

Absolutely-- a bouquet of Four Roses.

And now, to perform the ceremony

The "irreverend" J.B. Honeydew.

-Thank you, everyone.

-Hit it, Father. -All right.

-Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III,

take this lovely if gullible young woman

as your unlawful unwedded unwife?

-I undo.

And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester III,

take this pickled amnesiac

as your unlawful unwedded unhubby?

I undo too.

Then, by the power invested in me

by the state of intoxication,

I hereby pronounce you man and woman.

-Ah! -You may now ignore the bride.