Original subtitles

Two down, bottom of the 9th,

American Legion Championships,

tie game.

The Toledo Tires need a run.

"Spikes" Klinger comes to the plate.

Was this before your unassisted triple play?

Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt, all right?

The count's three and two. I get my pitch.

I lace a screechin' liner into left center.

I know, I know! A homer to win the game!

No, it wasn't a homer, wise guy.

It was a stand-up triple.

-Then I stole home.

KLINGER: Ha ha, yourself.

Now she can pitch on my team any day.

I will buy you drink, Joe?

No, no. I mean, you will buy me drink.

Well, well. What do we have here?

We have me.

I am looking for funny time.

Okay, Joe?

Park it here, toots. Come on.

Thank you very much.

Oksun Li, is that you?

Oh, Corporal Klinger.

Yeah. What are you doing here?

Beat it, Klinger. She's mine!

Take it easy, Crosetti. She's just a kid.

She don't look like no kid to me, do you, sweetie?

Hey, Crosetti, leave her alone, will ya?

She's not what you think. She's our laundry girl.

Terrific! She can do my shirts too.

I'm tellin' you. Lay off, Crosetti!

This is gonna be fun.

I haven't made oatmeal outta anybody in three days.

Bye-bye, Klinger.

Let that be a lesson to ya, Crosetti!

Come on. Let's get outta here.

The bum doesn't know how lucky I am.

Why you do that? Now they will not like me.

Oksun Li, what are you doing here?

I did nothing. You stopped me.

You bet I stopped you!

I'm not gonna let you ruin your life!

But I have to get money, Klinger.

What's the matter?

Doesn't the laundry job pay enough?

No. Too many of us doing laundry.

Not enough shirts to go around.

Well, I'm not gonna let you hang around bars!

I'm your friend.

You need money, come to me.

And I'll try to get the guys to throw

some more underwear your way.

-Mother! -Oh.

Mother say I have disgraced her.

Uh, don't worry, Mrs. Li.

She didn't do anything. I stopped her.

This? Oh, no. No, you got it all wrong.

See, this is gift, a present.

-Uh-oh. Oh!

Oksun Li, talk to her!

Tell her she's after the wrong guy!

-Ooh, ooh. -OKSUN: Umma!

Go hit Crosetti, he won't feel it.

And for God's sake, don't tell him I sent ya!

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

All personnel, places, please,

for the hospital number.

I'm saved! Ooh!

Look, Oksun, I gotta go. Ouch!

Okay. Mama, it was nice meeting you.

-We gotta do it again sometime.

POTTER: It's about time you showed up.

We got wounded here.

KLINGER: I know, sir. I was almost one of 'em.

-BJ: How ya doin', pal? -MAN: Hurts like hell, doc.

BJ: Ah, you're lucky. A lot of these guys can't feel anything.

Let's get him to X-ray!

-Leave me alone. -Okay.

-Leave me alone! -Don't fight me.

-You're hurt. -What's the matter?

He's got a belly wound, going into shock,

and he won't let me get near him.

All right, let me try my roadside manner.

Hi there. Pierce is the name,

but you can call me Doctor.

How am I doin', Doc?

I'm not gonna be able to tell

unless I look at your gut.

-What's your name? -Eddie Hastings.

Okay, Eddie Hastings, I promise not to tickle.

WOMAN: Major Houlihan, over here, please!

Go ahead, Margaret. I can handle him.

Fine, Doctor.

Believe me, nothing in there will surprise me.

-Hastings, you surprise me. -It's my money belt, sir.

You didn't have to do that. We would've billed ya later.

I have to keep it with me.

Look. I gotta get it off.

You're hit right under your savings account.

Don't worry. I only steal hubcaps, okay?

-I'll take that as a yes.

Hey, Doc, do me a favor, will you?

What? Litter!

Will you make sure that money gets to my folks

if I don't make it? They could use it.

Get this guy into O.R., fast!

Hold it!

I'm not goin' anywhere till I get that promise.

All right, just calm down. Take it easy, all right?

-Do I have your word on it? -Yeah, all right, I'll do what you want.

-Okay. -Get him inside, fast!

-Klinger! -KLINGER: Yo!

Take good care of this.

-Probably his life savings. -You got it.

Now we just gotta save his life.

-Hey, Beej! -BJ: Yeah.

Come on, we got a real rush order here,

a definite four-hander. Come on.

POTTER: I don't like the sound of that quiet over there.

-What's goin' on? -Spleen's ruptured

and his liver looks like an open zipper.

BJ: Look at that bowel.

They couldn't have done more damage if they had a map.

Blood pressure's dropping, doctors.

Give him another unit.

Come on, Eddie, hang in there.

BJ: Do we have time to reconstruct, Margaret?

-HAWKEYE: Huh? -MARGARET: Pressure's down to 70 over 40.

Pulse rapid and irregular, doctors.

Can't you pump any faster?

Start another unit with a larger needle.

We'd need a garden hose.

-Did you try a second line in? -Four CCs, fast.

I've lost the pulse, doctor.

I'm gonna pump his chest. Come on.

BJ: I'll ventilate him.

We've lost him, Doctors.

I didn't hear that.

It's over, Hawk.

-BJ: Hawk, it's over!

MARGARET: We did everything we could.

I know, I know.

When are we gonna find a cure for the common war?

Come on, troops. Let's grab a cup of coffee.

We saved 22 boys today.

The only action Eddie Hastings should've been in

was with a cheerleader

in the backseat of his father's Buick.

What was he doin' here? What are we all doin' here?

A question for which there is no clear answer, Hunnicutt.

I'd recommend a stiff drink, some shut-eye--

come out sluggin' tomorrow.

You'll just have to put that boy out of your mind.

Yeah. There's plenty more where he came from.

Excuse me, sirs. We gotta talk for a minute.

The kid with the money belt, Hastings?

-I heard he didn't make it. -No.

Too bad.

-He had a lot to live for. -They all do.

Well, Hastings had a little more.

His money belt was all shot up, right?

So I decided to put his cash in my little file box.

-But it wouldn't fit. -Look at that.

There must be three--four thousand dollars here.

8,873 simoleans.

-This stuff's worth a fortune!

No wonder he was so worried

about sending that to his parents.

Let me see that wampum.

They're paying enlisted men more than I thought.

It's all U.S. currency.

Every bill's got a president.

What's he doin' with real money?

The army I'm in, you get paid in military scrip.

That's right. Anybody with greenbacks around here

probably got 'em under the table.

Me thinks something's rotten in the state of Ouijongbu.

My guess is we're lookin' at

a fistful of ill-gotten gains.

Nah, there must be some other explanation.

That kid was so clean he squeaked.

No matter. We better lock up this bonanza for safekeeping.

Klinger, let's go.

Mind if I fondle it for a little while, sir?

-In the safe, Klinger. -In the safe, Colonel. Yeah.

How can he be so sure? How do we know that kid

didn't win it playing poker or shooting craps?

Hawk, we play a lotta poker. All our pots together

wouldn't add up to that much, and it's all cash.

Gentlemen, it occurs to me

that were I curious about Corporal Hastings,

I would make inquiry of his comrades-in-arms,

who are now recuperating in our own post-operative ward.

You must be absolutely exhausted, Charles.

You're making sense.

Klinger!

-I must talk to you. -I have to make a call,

but I'm glad you washed your face.

You must listen. Mother is very angry at you.

Yes, I know. Somewhere out there,

there's a broom with my name on it.

This is not for joking, Klinger.

I told her you did not shame me,

but she will not listen.

She seek revenge. You are in danger.

Don't worry.

I'll talk to her, turn on the charm.

I have a way with older women.

Ooh! Madame, it's against the rules

to fold, spindle or perforate military personnel!

-Whoa! Whoa!

Couldn't we go back to the broom?

How about a vacuum cleaner?

Colonel, would you mind dropping everything

and coming out here fast?

What the hell is going--

Put that thing down, lady! This is no hayride!

Now, what in the name of Beelzebub is goin' on here?

-Sir, it's all a mistake.

I'm clean as a whistle. See--

Hold it down!

That's more like it.

Klinger, this lady seems a little cranky.

Actually, sir, it's very amusing.

Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?

This is Mrs. Li. She thinks I was playin' footsies

with her daughter here.

-This child? -Yes, sir.

Gimme that fork.

Ooh! Uh, sir, believe me, it's not the truth.

It's a terrible misunderstanding.

You're swarthy, aren't you?

Hot-blooded and all that?

Don't worry, ma'am. I'll check this whole thing out.

Little lady, you take your mother

and her salad fork home.

Yes, sir.

I understand perfectly.

I've got a daughter of my own,

and if he ever laid a hand on her,

I'd have him baled and stacked in a flash.

-Ooh!

Thank you, sir.

Klinger, you better make peace with that lady

before she serves you up as a hairy shish kebab.

Hello. I'm your friendly

neighborhood scrap-metal collector.

I'd like to thank you

for this morning's generous contribution.

-BJ: Hey, Hawk? -Yeah?

Some people here I'd like you to meet.

Don't run off. I'll be right back.

-Yeah? -Corporals Dolan and Vitello.

They're from Eddie Hastings's outfit.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, we've known him since Basic.

Yeah, what about him?

I'm afraid it's bad news. He didn't make it.

Oh, yeah? Who got him, their side or ours?

Look, maybe I didn't make myself clear. Hastings is dead.

Doc, if you're lookin' for somebody to cry over him,

you came to the wrong guys.

-He's got no friends here. -What did he ever do to you?

That crud was the world's biggest thief.

You name it, he was into it.

Crooked gambling, black market, loan sharkin'--

At 100 percent interest.

Word was out that if you didn't pay him back,

he had a couple of Korean buddies

who'd rearrange your kneecaps for you.

He'd steal his own mother's shoes

if he thought he could make a buck on 'em.

Are you sure about this?

That kid's face was straight off a Norman Rockwell cover.

Maybe that was his cover.

Doc, you see, back there in Basic,

Eddie was just like he looked. He was okay.

Then he started hangin' around

with some of the real crumbs in the outfit.

And he learned fast.

Next thing you know, he was stealin' everybody blind.

Thanks, guys. You get some rest now.

DOLAN: See ya, doc.

I wonder if Normal Rockwell ever did a most wanted poster.

Yeah, thank you, Major.

Criminal Investigation Division says Hastings has no record,

no current warrants or complaints against him.

So far, that's the nicest thing

we've heard about the boy.

I guess they never talked to his two ex-buddies in post-op.

Well, you gotta admit,

if Eddie was a crook, he was pretty good at it.

So all that money goes

to the proper authorities down at "I" Corps.

"I" Corps? All they'll do with it is gold plate their brass.

I say we put it in the company fund.

Then we'll have a company fund.

Wait a minute, I think you're forgetting something.

I promised to send that money to Eddie's parents.

Now let's be careful, Pierce.

If anything turns up later, that could be a mistake.

Yeah, but what do we really know about him?

So far it's all hearsay.

All right, it's overwhelming hearsay.

Pierce, there's no legal way

a corporal could make those kind of garbanzos.

Look, Hastings was a little shifty.

So what?

The fact is he told me his parents needed the money,

and I promised to send it to them.

Now I say let them have it.

It's small compensation for a dead son.

If it's a choice between "I" Corps

and that kid's parents, there's no contest.

Okay, Klinger,

make out a money order and send it to his folks.

-Yes, sir. -Thank you.

It's an awful lot of money, Pierce.

A letter of explanation should go along with it.

Yeah, I know.

A very delicately phrased letter, I would say.

I hope you're good at tap-dancing around the truth.

I'll just sign it "Yours truly, Fred Astaire."

This is impossible! What do I say to these people?

"Enclosed please find almost $9,000 and a pack of lies"?

Pierce, I can understand why that letter is

so difficult for you to write.

It requires taste, tact, and sensitivity.

You have all but three of those qualities.

How do I explain the huge bank roll?

Eddie had a really good paper route, Asia.

Then there was the lemonade stand

at the corner of 38th and parallel.

He made a killing in the market.

The black one.

I was doing better alone.

We got a problem!

Uh, sorry, Mrs. Patton. George isn't here.

-You guys gotta hide me! -That shouldn't be too hard.

You're certainly quiet and inconspicuous.

I'm not kidding here, sir. This is serious!

Oh, Klinger, I had hoped we'd seen

the last of the buttons and bows.

You have. This is just camouflage.

A disguise. Protective cleavage, so to speak.

I'm not thinking too loud for you guys, am I?

Are you still hiding from that harmless old woman?

Harmless? She tried to hack her way through my door with an ax!

Getting in or getting out?

Oh. Oh, please.

-Let me stay here tonight. -Absolutely not.

Get out there. Let that dear old lady

have a fair chance at you.

-Please! -Okay, everybody, I give up!

I'm gonna take a walk.

Maybe I can find a nice quiet artillery barrage.

-Bye. -Well?

No.

No.

Good! That makes it unanimous.

Having trouble with your "Dear Parents" letter?

I get as far as "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hastings,"

and after that it gets tough.

Don't be so critical of yourself, Hawkeye.

After all, this isn't the ordinary letter of condolence.

Why don't you read me what you've written so far?

All right.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hastings,

"by now you've heard of the loss of your son.

"I was with him when he died,

and his last thoughts were of you."

-Not bad. -Uh-huh.

Now for the hard part.

"Nothing can make up for Eddie's loss,

"but it might comfort you to know that your son

"was an enterprising, resourceful person.

"In fact, some of his buddies commented

"that they were forever in his debt.

"Eddie's talents enabled him to accumulate

"a tidy nest egg which he wanted you to have.

"He asked me to send it to you.

"I only wish I could say more than I'm sorry.

Sincerely, Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce."

Hawkeye, I'm--I'm impressed.

-Yeah? Really? -No, I am, indeed.

You know, you would make a fine priest.

Oh, well, thanks, Father.

I don't think it would work out.

I like Sundays off.

Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.

MARGARET: Colonel, you won't be sorry you said I could come along.

POTTER: I don't recall saying you could come along, Major.

Then you won't be sorry.

I'm sure I can talk some sense into Mrs. Li.

After all, we're fellow women.

It's worth a try.

I can't get any work done

with my clerk hiding under a desk,

especially when it's mine.

Well, looks like this place has been redecorated

a couple of times by the War Department.

-Yoo-hoo.

Colonel Potter. Thank you for coming here.

When it's important, I still make house calls.

And I brought along a friend, Major Houlihan.

Oh, we've met, sir, when she picks up my laundry.

Oh, yes, lady with tiger-skin underwear.

-Why don't we go in? -Enter, please.

If you see a glint of steel, hit the deck.

-Hi, Mrs. Li. -Howdy, Mrs. Li.

How about this weather, huh?

Please, sit.

-Whoa. -What?

Ah, this couch has got a loose spring.

Mother says to state purpose.

All business. I like that.

I questioned Corporal Klinger quite extensively,

gave him third, fourth, and fifth degrees,

had him under a bare bulb,

used everything but a rubber hose.

I am convinced he did nothing to harm your little girl.

Mother says soldiers protect each other.

That's a stubborn woman.

Mother hate all soldiers.

They take my father to fight,

and now he is dead.

My brother is also soldier, and he is missing.

Fine looking family.

Oksun Li, tell your mother I'm very sorry.

I hate this war as much as she does.

Soldiers have destroyed our farm.

Americans, Chinese,

North Korean, South Korean.

Each time we rebuild,

they come back to make more war.

You're all she's got left, Oksun Li.

You've gotten to her, Margaret.

Now you can see why I brought you along.

Go ahead, talk turkey with her.

I most certainly will.

Oksun Li, tell your mother

I have the utmost respect and admiration for her

and that I'm right behind her all the way.

-What? -This woman is fighting

for the survival of her family.

Fine, but Klinger is not threatening her family.

I'm not so sure about that.

Klinger can be pretty strange, Colonel.

Major, I told you to talk turkey,

not cook Klinger's goose.

Her actions are understandable. They are heroic.

She doesn't just stand there, she fights back.

Easy, Mother.

Margaret, don't you think this lady

is getting a little bit excited?

She has every right to be excited.

She feels threatened!

Well, how do you think I feel?

She's the one with all the farm implements.

Now stay calm, sir.

I am calm! Talk to her!

Yes, sir.

Mrs. Li, please excuse the Colonel.

He's a man, and you know how they are.

-She knows.

Damn it, Margaret!

Get to the point! Whose side are you on?

Colonel, there are two sides to every issue.

Yeah, and you seem to be on both of 'em!

Please! Please stop! It is all my fault.

I needed money,

and Klinger was trying to help me.

At Rosie's, he made me stop.

Well, I'm glad he did. You're a nice girl.

You shouldn't do things like that.

I know. I am ashamed.

But I know no other way to get money

so I can take my mother away from here.

Where would you go?

My mother's sister live in Pusan

where the fighting is over.

We could stay with her,

and I could find honorable work.

Colonel, isn't there something we can do?

Gee, Margaret, I--I don't know. Uh--

Oksun Li, tell your mother

we'll try to figure something out.

And while you're at it,

will you see if you can get her

to stop threatening to let the air out of Klinger?

Well, so much for Nola.

Now, let's pay a little musical call on Marie.

Every time he tickles those ivories,

an entire elephants' graveyard turns over.

Folks, the libations are on yours truly.

I am celebrating.

It's been six whole days

since anyone tried to subdivide my skull.

You look like a new man,

which beats last week when you looked like an old woman.

It's when your life is threatened

you begin to appreciate things.

The simple beauty of a leaf, a bird,

a really well turned pool cue.

The congrats go to Margaret.

She's the one who disarmed Granny the Ripper.

I'm glad Klinger's off the hook.

I just wish we could do more for the Lis.

So do I. I wanna get that family

down to Pusan as much as you do, Margaret.

Klinger, what's the latest report on the finance committee?

Well, I got the Oksun laundry service

doing everything but the enemy's socks,

and I'm working on a deal for those.

But even with passing the helmet,

we've got a long way to go.

I don't believe this!

I can't get away from these people!

First the son, now the parents.

This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at 10.

-I thought I had this settled! -Thought you had what settled?

Eddie Hastings.

I went through all that pain

and tap-dancing for nothing.

A kid who knew him here got sent home months ago

and went and told his parents

everything Eddie had been doing here.

So then I get this infuriating,

intimidating,

extremely touching letter.

Listen to this.

"Dear Doctor"--

And so on, so on--

"We don't know what happened to change Eddie,

"but something did.

"We are a simple Christian family, Dr. Pierce.

"We would rather remember Eddie the way he was.

"The money you sent us came from

"an Eddie we never knew.

You seem to be an honest, trustworthy man"--

Well, you know--

"and we are confident that you can find a way

"to use Eddie's money to help someone there

"so we are returning it to you.

Bless you, Matthew and Betty Hastings."

Who am I, the Community Chest?

What the hell am I gonna do with this?

Put that 500 bucks

in a safe place the minute you get to Pusan.

And thank you for doing business

with the Sherman Potter Travel Agency.

And the Save the Klinger Foundation.

We will always be grateful for your kindness.

Good luck, Oksun Li. We'll miss you.

And we will miss you.

It was all because of you, Klinger.

Oh, what the heck.

Did I tell you I have a way with older women?

No sweat. All you gotta do is figure out

how to spend 8,000 bucks and change.

Why fight it? It's kismet.

We'll have a giant party.

We'll buy Tokyo and have it delivered.

If you're looking for a truly noble cause,

why don't you finance a visit to this hog wallow

by the Boston Symphony Orchestra?

Terrific. "Dear Mrs. Hastings,

"your son didn't die in vain.

The Beethoven was swell. Thank you."

How about if we get China drunk

and take advantage of them?

No, no, no, Colonel Potter was right.

We gotta give it to the Red Cross.

What about the U.S.S. Hope?

What about the U.S.S.O.?

-What about the A.S.P.C.A.? -I got a whole list here!

All right! Okay! Enough!

We give it to everybody.

All right! That's it.

-Yep. -There you are.

Eddie, wherever you are,

whether you know it or not, you did good.