Original subtitles

Let's take a look in there. Give me the rib spreader.

-Rib spreader. -What is it? What is--

-Again? Come on with the lights!

-POTTER: Get some lanterns in here. -Ow! Margaret,

you've caught my finger in the spreader! Geez.

Great! Terrific! Just dandy!

Hey, Bonzo, the auxiliary generator is missing.

Got a distended abdomen here. I need some gastric suction.

We'll whomp up a good old-fashioned,

hand-operated Wangensteen suction.

Welcome back, son.

I think I missed you even more than I miss Mildred.

Either of you seen Radar?

Last I saw him, he was in the officers club

having a touch of the grape.

Why? What's wrong?

Plenty.

I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa.

Radar's uncle Ed passed away.

I'm goin' home, sir?

Radar, Lord knows your mother is a strong woman,

but she won't make it alone.

You ought to be there with her.

Radar, I'm very happy for you.

Yeah. I'm happy for me too.

I guess.

Gee.

I thought I lost this.

What is it?

It's my very own personal personal-type thermometer.

-Colonel Blake gave it to me,just before he-- -Aw, Radar.

You got the rest of your life to look at stuff like that.

I'm in trouble here now!

Hey, look.

It's my Purple Heart.

Hawkeye pinned this on me himself.

He even saluted me.

Hawkeye's never saluted anybody.

I think I'm already on my own.

My uncle Ed.

Gee, I got so busy,

I forgot how much I'm gonna miss him.

Look, kid, I know it's tough on ya.

Believe me, I feel as bad as you do.

But you just can't throw me to the wolves.

Klinger, look, you've got to learn

to do this stuff yourself!

Nobody helped me when I took this job.

Yeah, but you're a born clerk. I'm a born civilian.

I hate offices. I'm lousy with numbers and letters.

I get paper cuts, and I lose things.

When I was a kid, my mother pinned my bike to my sleeve.

Listen, I'm not the clerk anymore. You're the clerk.

And this is a very important job!

Everybody depends on ya for everything.

Don't you understand that?

They depend on you for the mail,

the supplies-- even the generators.

Now, look. You better pull yourself together,

or this place is gonna be one heck of a mess.

Well, my compliments to you and Dr. Wangensteen, Colonel.

This refuse collection of yours is apparently very effective.

Well, it'll do the trick for now,

but I'll be glad when we get back to the real thing.

Colonel, I'm impressed. What next?

Hamster power for the X-ray machine?

I haven't seen one of these things since nursing school.

It's working fine.

Just don't forget to flip those jugs, Hunnicutt.

You know, I'm gonna miss Radar something terrible.

There's a lot of that goin' around.

Come on, I'll buy you a cup of genuine mess tent coffee.

Good idea. That brew will stiffen anybody's upper lip.

You know, I feel a little strange

about Radar's leaving too.

Funny, in all his time here,

I've never given him a second thought.

Granted, his departure

will create something of a vacuum,

but then again-- so did his presence.

He reminds me of an old Raggedy Ann doll

I had as a kid.

I'd kick it, pull out its eyes,

yell at it, ignore it,

and then, when I lost it, I'd cry for days.

I know exactly how you felt.

I once had the same experience with a butler.

Boy, that guy really gets on my nerves.

-Wow! Hot Lips!

Well, O'Reilly,

you must be brimming with anticipation.

Back to your native "Io-way" and your American Dream--

haystacks, chawin' tobacco,

sitting around the silos,

shooting the breeze with your bovines--

Land o' Goshen, that's the life.

Yeah. I haven't thought of nothin' else

ever since Colonel Potter gave me the word.

Not a very good way to be going back home,

but at least I'll be there.

And we'll be here with no electricity.

You haven't given that much thought, have you?

That's not true, sir. Me and Klinger are workin' on it.

Mostly me. I don't mean to be a tattletale or nothin',

but Klinger stinks.

Indeed.

With that dolt in charge of acquiring a generator,

we'll be powerless forever.

Perhaps, when you get back to Io-way,

you'd think to send us some batteries.

Huh? Oh, sure.

I wouldn't let you down, sir. You'll see.

O'Reilly, your loyalty to this unit

is truly commendable.

Well, sure, sir.

That's because you guys are all swell.

You know, when you all get back home,

you're all invited to Ottumwa for a big party.

I will be counting the hours

until I hear the old dinner bell...a-clangin'.

KLINGER: Hey, Radar!

There's a guy named Alvin on the phone.

About the generator!

Well, talk to him. You're the company clerk now. Come on!

Well, okay, Mr. O'Reilly.

But on your way home,

I hope you have to sit next to a sweaty fat guy

who brought his own salami.

See the kind of coping I gotta put up with?

B.J.: Hey, Radar.

-Huh? -Can you give me a hand here?

Yes, sir.

Oh, gee, your "hoosenwagon" broke down.

No problem. I happen to be a certified hoosenwagon repairman.

Just keep that above the level of that jar.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, sir. If you don't mind my sayin' so

that whatchamacallit looks pretty breakdownable.

They don't make these Wangensteens the way they used to.

I think that's got it.

If we don't get some power around here soon,

it's gonna be lights out for everything.

Yeah. Uh, sir, as long as your whatchamadoodle is working,

I think I'd better take a call.

Sure.

Hey, Klinger. Don't hang up!

Alvin, all I want is a lousy backup generator.

Aw, come on! I've already offered you everything,

plus a couple of things I don't got!

That's it. There's no more.

You're crazy! Where in Korea

am I gonna get a frozen custard machine?

BOTH: What's a frozen custard machine?

Hey, listen. We need that generator.

It gets pretty dark around here at night, you know.

-Uh-oh. -Oh, no.

Alvin! Forget the generator.

Just send me all the jeeps and trucks you got.

Yes, that's right! You heard me.

Send them now. We got wounded.

Come on, Klinger. It's gonna get dark P.D.Q.

-RADAR: Okay. Hold it right there.

That's it. Get your lights on the patients, fellas.

Jack. Jack, will you get the lead out?

This isn't a Sunday social, you know.

Come on! Let's get a little light in here. Come on.

All right, hold it. Hold it right there. Is that better, sir?

Perfecto. Radar, if they gave

the Congressional Medal of Honor for smarts,

by gum, you'd have one.

Thank you, sir. I'm just doin' my former job.

Stroke of genius. I can actually see where I'm cutting.

Well, lookee here. There's your medal.

You just might have saved this boy's life.

Looks fine. Let's start sewing. Catgut.

Radar, if you're not

a certifiable, fur-lined, 24-carat hero,

I'll kiss your tootsies at the commandant's picnic.

Keep it up, folks. Thanks to Corporal O'Reilly,

we're gonna make it through this night.

-HAWKEYE: I hope so

'cause the Auto Club can't keep coming over here

to jump-start our operating room.

What a curious turn in my medical career--

from the operating theater at Boston General

to the drive-in theater at Ouijongbu.

Clamp! Ow!

Who goes to bed

and dreams up this horror every night?

Somebody ought to tell him

to lay off the anchovy pizzas before sack time.

This is some place, our little hospital

on the banks of the River Styx.

Easy to find. Just follow Calamity Lane

to the giant parking lot.

Wounds healed while you wait. Am I ranting? I hope so.

You know, my ranting gets raves.

I brought sponges for sponging.

And now,

from the "wish I were in his shoes" department

Corporal Radar

"I can see the old homestead from here" O'Reilly.

Tell me how it feels. Are you excited?

Have you packed your things twice already?

Gonna get a window seat on the plane?

All of me is green with envy,

especially my finger, which is gangrene.

You've got it.

God, my finger hurts.

I thought I'd seen it all.

I've cut in caves, huts, and trenches.

I've sewn enough intestine

to stretch from here to the Mayo Clinic.

But never in all my years have I had a session like that.

And without your brainstorm, we'd never have made it.

Just comes with experience, sir.

I don't even know how long we were out there.

Ten hours and 24 minutes.

I guess you've filled out the report.

It's on your desk, already signed by you.

Listen, son. After the camp gets 40 or 50 winks,

we'll all be gathering in the mess tent

for your shove-off soiree.

Uh, that's not necessarily necessary, sir.

It damn well is. You deserve it.

No.

I mean, on account of I've decided to stay.

What?

You been nippin' at this hooch?

Colonel, if I left now,

you'd be up a tree without a paddle.

Been there many times before, son.

Don't let that stop ya.

Colonel, I can fix it

so my mom can manage without me.

But the 4077 is different.

You saw what just happened out there.

A lot of lives depend on me doin' my job,

and I'm the only one around here who can.

Radar, I appreciate your...loyalty,

but you're making a big mistake.

You've done your duty.

Now, I don't care how bad things get.

I want your keister on that plane

the day after tomorrow.

Sir, with all due respect to your colonel-ness,

you can't order me to go.

Boy, you're not usin' your head.

Think it over.

I have. My place is here.

There you are.

Oh, hi, Hawkeye.

Don't "Hi, Hawkeye" me.

Go home, you little airhead!

I'm sorry. I'm not gonna do that.

Why? You're Corporal Mahatma Gandhi?

You're gonna out-endure us?

That's my unpacking you're packing.

We all wait for that day.

We dream about it. We pray for it.

We'd sacrifice a virgin to it if we could find one.

-How dare you! -I'm sorry.

There's too much around here I gotta do.

No, no, no. You're not pulling that tripe on me.

They've been holding wars long before you signed up,

and the fun'll continue long after you leave.

Let me put this as gracefully as I can:

We don't need you.

Oh, you don't, huh?

How's your generator?

Is Klinger gonna find you one?

If things got tough, and you were the one that was leavin',

-you'd be stayin'. -Don't bet on it.

I'd be out of here so fast,

my shorts would have to catch the next plane.

-Get--Ow! -Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I saw you workin' in O.R. with your hurt finger.

You'd stay.

Don't go poking your nose into my finger.

Hey, listen. I got responsibilities around here just like you.

You got responsibilities at home, you jackass!

Well, how about if I want to make up my own mind?

I'm no kid anymore, you know? I've been around.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Globetrotter.

That's right. I'm grown up now.

Why, bless my soul.

Mrs. O'Reilly's little boy is a big man now.

I guess you've outgrown all that other stuff, huh?

Ottumwa, the farm-- your mother--

Oh! Your mother!

Have you outgrown your responsibility to her?

Listen, how I take care of my mom is my business.

You said it yourself, Hawkeye.

Nobody should tell somebody else how to run their life.

First he's going, then he's staying.

Why is he staying? Because I'm an idiot.

Why don't we make everybody happy?

Let the hero stay, let the idiot go home.

4077th. What'd I do wrong now?

O'Reilly? No, he's not here.

How do I know? Probably out posing for a statue.

Yeah. What is it?

"Hondo McKee." Cute name.

I-Corps Supply.

You got a generator, and you wanna talk deal.

Oh, yeah? Listen, Hondo. Pal.

I can handle that for ya.

There's your scotch. Where's my generator?

Boy, you didn't waste any time getting here.

After I picked up the scotch, speed was of the essence.

-Oh, yeah? Where did you get it? -Don't ask.

It's the code of the desert.

The generator's at Dispatch.

-Ah-ha. -Before you go,

I'll just check out the scotch.

-Oh, yes. -Oh. Ten-hut!

-Are you McKee? -Yes, sir.

I'm Major George Van Kirk.

243rd Service and Supply.

-I'm here for my generator.

There's your requisition. I'm here in person

to make sure that that baby gets to me.

Somehow, a lot of the stuff

that we order through this place gets lost.

Sir, I-I'm surprised.

I don't know how that could be happening.

Your generator's here.

I have personally been holding it for you.

I hope so, because we're down

to using a puny backup generator,

and we had to swipe that from a MASH!

If you just come to my office, sir,

we'll process this requisition

and have you out of here in a minute.

Is that a case of scotch there, Sergeant?

Mm-hmm.

How 'bout throwin' in a bottle or three?

-Sure thing-- -I wouldn't recommend that, sir.

This stuff's been tampered with.

One sip could kill ya.

-Oh. Yeah. -Lousy Commies.

Just follow me, sir. We'll take care of that generator.

Damn well better. I've had two swiped here already!

Lousy Commies.

I've had two swiped here already.

Do I hear three?

-Yeah?

I'm from the 243rd Service and Supply

here to pick up the generator. We're in kind of a hurry!

-Requisition form? -No got!

I don't issue air without a requisition form.

Major Van Kirk just gave it to Hondo.

By the way, don't rile the major.

He knows you guys have kiped two of our generators already,

not to mention other miscellaneous door prizes.

So just roll it out fast,

or we blow the whistle on this whole scam.

I'll just check with Hondo.

Better still, go over there yourself.

Then Major Van Kirk can chew out the two of ya

and not miss a bite.

POTTER: Hot diggity dog tags, Klinger. You did it!

You got us a real-live generator!

Klinger, how'd you pull it off?

Well, it was one of those deals you got started.

I just closed it.

Well, nice goin', for sure!

Who cares how he got it?

I never look a gift generator in the mouth.

We better get this thing hooked up fast

before some sneaky devil swipes it!

Good idea, Colonel. There's crooks everywhere.

-We're back in business, Colonel.

Yeah, I'm not sure

I trust these newfangled gadgets, though, Hunnicutt.

-Too many moving parts.

-Now for the real heartbreaker. -What's that?

I've gotta go over to X-ray and tell the hamster he's out of work.

Boy, sir, Klinger was really something,

gettin' that generator, wasn't he?

I guess I trained him better than I thought.

I always knew he had the larceny in him.

Here, son. Kentucky sippin' whiskey.

Now, don't gulp it. It has a boomerang effect.

Smooth.

I told ya to sip it.

I did, sir.

Oh.

Listen, Radar,

I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you.

Lord knows, I've never met a soul I could depend on more.

But above all that,

you've been a damn good friend.

Well, friend, it's time we said good-bye.

Time you got on with your life.

You've come as far as you can go here.

You've earned your wings. Now you've gotta fly.

You're right, sir.

I am?

Yeah. I was gonna tell you

that I decided to go home after all.

I really liked your speech, though.

Thanks.

-I practiced all morning.

Well, I've been thinking

about how everybody here wants me to be home,

and Klinger'll get the hang of my job, sooner or later.

So it's time to go home.

It sure is, friend.

And tomorrow, we're gonna give you

one whiz-bang of a send-off.

Hello. Excuse me.

Attention out there. Would Corporal Radar O'Reilly

please report to his going-away party?

All of your friends would love to see you

while they can still see.

Bye-bye. Buy bonds.

So?

I think my tube of toothpaste opened down there.

Finally, he does his laundry.

Come on. Will you hurry up? You gotta leave in a few hours.

The nurses are warming up in the mess tent.

Oh, Hawkeye. Listen.

Before we're together with everybody, I just wanted to--

No. No. Not until I've had a couple of bowls of punch.

That way, I can cry and forget at the same time.

-Hurry. -Yeah.

Oh, no. Hawkeye! Hawkeye!

-Hawkeye. -I hear them.

Radar, there may not be time for--

I'll find ya, Hawkeye.

POTTER: Bad chest here. This one's for Winchester.

I should get Major Winchester.

Guess that's the last time--

I guess that's the last time I'll hear that.

Colonel, we've got most of them numbered.

All right. Let's get into O.R. pronto!

Well, son, I guess we can take it from here.

-Yes, sir. I guess you can.

Not exactly the way I wanted to say good-bye, Radar.

Me either, sir.

Godspeed, son.

Good-bye, Radar.

You know, you're okay.

-MAN: Klinger. -Be right there!

I'll make this short, kid. I'm not much on tearful good-byes.

Hey, listen. This is for you. Take good care of it.

That did it. I'll make you proud of me.

-Klinger. -Coming!

-So, Radar. Radar, you've been a real joy. -Father!

-God bless you. -Thank you, Father. And thank God, too.

I will. Bye.

I'll say hello to your sister the sister.

Best of luck in your bucolic endeavors, Corporal.

And the same to you too, sir.

Thank you, Walter.

-Radar! -Sir.

It's all set. Peg and Erin will meet you

-at the San Francisco Airport. -Oh, good, sir.

-Did you pack Erin's present? -For sure, sir.

All right. You tell 'em all about me.

Yes, sir. I'll do that.

That's for Peg, and that's for Erin.

I'll try to remember which is which.

MAN: Captain Hunnicutt. Over here.

Okay!

You take care of yourself, pal. So long.

Retraction, Lieutenant. Come on, retraction.

Thank you.

Hi.

I just wanted to say good-bye to you guys one more time.

And listen, I don't want you to worry about nothin'.

'Cause instead of just me,

you're gonna have everybody takin' care of you now.

I mean, except the cook.

-Hand me a suture.

B.J.: Give me a sponge.

Where are you headed?

-Ottumwa, Iowa. -Never heard of it.

Guess anywhere you live is home.

I'm ready. Let's go.

You were a good boy in there, Pierce.

You only threw one clamp and two tantrums.

Well, the finger's improved.

It's up to excruciating.

Warm night.

Think I'll take a walk and unwind.

That sounds relaxing.

I got a couple of flashlights.

You can look for mines. I'll check for snipers.

Where do you suppose he is by now?

Doesn't matter. He's away from here.

-Gonna miss that kid, you know? -Yeah.

I'm gonna name my first wife after him.

-Well, I've walked far enough. -Me too.

Let's see if the bar's open in this place.

He's probably halfway to Hawaii by now.

I don't want to think about it anymore.

-Hey, boys. -Yeah? What?

Good-bye, Radar.