Original subtitles

Ah.

-Major? -Klinger, go away.

I've tried that. They keep bringing me back.

-Where's Tonto? -Klinger.

Where'd you get the eyeshades?

Firing squad surplus.

Perhaps you'd like to borrow them

when I have you shot.

Shoot the hand that feeds you booze?

You didn't.

You did!

Napoleon brandy.

That's what you paid for. That's what you got.

Ah! Napoleon,

had you given more of this to Josephine,

she might have stayed home nights.

Here. I have--

I have protected this from the domestic swill.

-It would have...

...bruised the crystal.

Ha. Profound apologies for ever doubting

that you would actually procure this nectar.

-Where'd you get it? -Don't ask.

Klinger, I've underestimated you.

You may be a boob,

but you have the cunning of a mongoose.

Thank you, I think.

Go ahead. Have a snort.

One does not snort cognac, Klinger.

One entices cognac.

First, one warms it.

Then one lures the scent to the waiting nostrils.

One urges it to insinuate its fumes

through the joyous olfactory passages.

I get the feeling we're not talkin' boilermakers here.

Klinger, at this moment,

I envy you your nose.

Oh, yeah? In that case, uh,

can I have some?

Klinger, when one receives a new divan,

one does not invite the delivery boy

to repose upon it.

Suffice it to way that you have earned my eternal gratitude,

and admiration.

B.J.: As you were, men.

Hey, is that real brandy, Charles?

Napoleon brandy.

Can I have some? I'm a little short right now.

None for me, Charles. It offends my palate,

not to mention my "copalate."

Besides, what's brandy without cherry syrup?

Rave on, witless drones.

Nothing can mitigate the rapture of this moment.

Sounds good, Beej. Get out the Howdy Doody glasses.

Don't bother.

Not so much as a dram for either of you.

MAN : Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Come early and get a good table.

Not now. Not now.

The ravages of war, Winchester.

Keep a stiff upper nose, Chuck.

Pre-op, stat.

-Shrapnel.

Her vital signs are stable, but she's terrified.

-M.S., a quarter. -Yeah, yeah. Good. Okay.

As soon as that takes effect, we'll operate.

Look at this. A civilian.

The war's still a big hit in the suburbs.

Put him down right here.

-Okay, okay, okay.

-NURSE: Get two units of blood! -MAN: Two whole units!

She will live, yes?

She's taken some shell fragments.

There's a lot of that going around.

I think she'll be all right.

I'm Lieutenant Hung Lee Park,

and this woman is my prisoner.

We've got something in common.

I'm Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

and this woman is my patient.

She's an enemy guerrilla.

Good. I'll frisk her for bananas.

Do not be fooled by her civilian clothing, Captain.

She's a member of the Communist underground

and as dedicated to killing as any uniformed soldier.

She could be Lizzie Borden for all I care.

My job is to make sure she stays alive.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got a lot of other dangerous victims to look at.

All right, we can move him now. Corpsman!

Margaret Houlihan, as I live and breathe heavily.

Is that so? Scully!

Finally figured out a way to get back to see you.

-Stepped in front of a speeding bullet. -Pierce.

-Hey, that's-that's, uh-- -Scully. Scully.

-Yeah, yeah. -What do you say, Doc?

Well, the bleeding's stopped.

Luckily you have a self-sealing belly button.

You were in a lot worse shape

the first time we met over at Rosie's.

Yeah. That's a night I'll never remember.

I do. We were under adjoining tables.

Could we talk about parties later and get him into surgery?

Surgery-- that's where they go.

I keep sending them to the laundry.

Hunnicutt!

Hey, Margaret, relax. He's gonna be all right.

-Hey. Scully. -B.J.

Told you that rotgut would put a hole in your stomach.

You know, you're right.

From now on, I'm payin' the extra nickel for the good stuff.

He's in agony. He just won't admit it.

I don't know what's in your belly, pal, but we'll dig into it.

You'd better take him, Beej. I'm gonna work on that woman over there.

Hey, hey! Wait a second! Wait a minute!

This isn't a cafeteria.

You don't just help yourself to a patient.

-If you want something to go, take these guys. -Call them off.

I need a couple of corpsmen over here.

Find somebody else to dance with. Her card is filled.

You're very pushy. You'd have a great career gate-crashing.

I have the authority to question this woman.

-All right. What's your hurry?

Lady, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Pre-op, and don't stop for lights.

-Come on. -NURSE: I need some blood.

Bingo. That Scully's a real veteran.

He even trained his spleen to duck.

Have a look, Margaret?

I'll take your word for it.

Afraid you'll discover some hidden flaw?

Go ahead, Margaret, peek. I'm sure he'd look at yours.

-Thank you, no. -You won't be disappointed, Margaret.

He's got an adorable liver.

And his onions aren't bad, either.

I must say, that-- that man out there seems very menacing.

Padre, when you're totin' a gun

and a couple of hand grenades,

it's a little hard to look lovable.

Will you look at this?

There's less iron in Pittsburgh.

Why is that lieutenant in such a hurry to question her anyway?

Is he afraid she'll rust?

You'll feel a twinge now and then,

but that's to be expected.

-Yeah. I'm feelin' one now. -Oh.

My wound's bothering me a little too.

-Welcome back, Scully. -Thanks, Margaret.

It's good to see you again.

-I'll come back after I finish my rounds. -Okay.

Hi, there. Anybody here from out of town?

Ah, a lady from New Jersey.

Wonderful. For being such a good sport,

you've won yourself an all-expense-paid week

here in the recovery room of the Hotel MASH.

Well, if it isn't the Good Humor man.

Uh, Lieutenant, I'm not much on military jargon,

but, from one army officer to another-- am-scray.

She's awake. I wish to ask but a few simple questions.

-Where is the harm? -Oh, I'm sorry.

The public nuisance hour has just ended.

Why don't you come back in about six months?

Doctor, you seem to have a rather strange sense of right and wrong.

I will tell you once more.

This woman is an enemy guerrilla.

-Oh. Shh, shh, shh! Quiet.

-Will you get the hell outta here! -Very well.

I have sentries posted outside to prevent her escape.

All right, I'll see your sentries and raise you a nurse.

Major, if Lieutenant Park or any of his Parkettes

set one hobnailed toe inside that door, just call me.

Yes, Doctor.

Shh. It's okay.

That guy Park is one tough cookie.

You know him?

A little. It's a small war.

Can you believe that guy?

I've never tried that hard to get a girl.

-Doesn't he think she's a guerrilla? -I don't care what he thinks.

All I want to do is heal her wounds.

You might be wasting your time, Hawkeye.

Whether she's a guerrilla or not, from what I hear,

if he gets hold of her,

he won't let up till he's got what he wants.

-You mean torture? -Well, he starts with torture.

Then to take your mind off the pain, he kills you.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Not this time. Not with my patient.

Guerrilla or no, that lady has some of my best knitting in her

and I'm not gonna let Park unravel it.

You boys may be in over your heads here.

Has it occurred to you that this lady could very well be

what Park says she is?

Sure. So do we turn her over to some guy who just wants to kill her?

What the hell are we doing, nursing her back to death?

Well, look who's run out of patience and wants one of mine.

Sorry, you'll just have to wait

'til we get the woman back on her feet before you break her legs.

Pierce.

No matter what you may think of me, Captain,

I have no reason to lie to you.

That woman is our enemy, and she is dangerous.

She's dangerous?

Right now, she doesn't have the strength

to stick her tongue out at somebody.

Colonel, as commanding officer here,

you know I cannot be denied

my right to question that woman.

Nobody's denying you anything, Lieutenant.

You're just jumping the gun a bit.

We want to give the lady a chance to recover. That's all.

You're a doctor.

Your concern for an individual life

is admirable but impractical.

War, gentlemen, is like chess.

Loss of a single pawn is insignificant.

All that matters is winning the game.

Yeah, but in chess, you just capture a pawn.

You don't take it into a room and beat a confession out of it.

Uh, your chess analogy is most interesting, Lieutenant.

-Do you play? -Not often enough, Major.

Worthy opponents are scarce here.

Indeed.

I fancy myself an accomplished player.

I think you might find me capable of testing your mettle.

-Perhaps we might have a game. -I don't believe this.

Winchester, you're actually gonna play games with this guy?

Don't be gauche, Hunnicutt.

The man is a professional soldier. He's doing his job.

A game of chess might be a distraction

from the folly in which we are all engaged.

-Lieutenant. -I shall be pleased to play, Major.

My stay is indefinite.

-HAWKEYE: Colonel, come on. -Okay, okay.

Klinger, get on the horn to G2.

Talk to Major, uh, what's-his-name,

the loud, fat one with hair growing out his ears.

See what you can find out about the procedure

for evacuating nonmilitary indigenous personnel

to another U.S. hospital.

Okay, boys. That's the best I can do.

-Radar, it's me, Klinger. -Of course it's you.

Who else would be this good at lousing up a person's R&R?

Hey, you're lucky I found you at all.

The hotel desk clerk didn't want to tell me where you were.

That's because I told 'em not to refer any calls that weren't life or death.

It is! If you don't help me out of this, Potter will kill me.

That probably wouldn't stop you from calling.

Hey, I'm trying to have fun here.

Yeah, the lady who answered the phone

said "Suzy's Pink Pagoda."

Nothin' like that back in Ottumwa, huh, kid?

Yeah, well, uh, come on, Klinger. What do you want?

I got a lot of unwinding to do.

Radar, it's getting worse here.

You've only been gone a week and I'm already a month behind,

and the Colonel just told me to call G2 and talk to some major.

I'm ready for you now.

Uh, yeah. Uh, let's make it in the Red Room tonight.

That was Suzy, Klinger.

She's wearing a slinky blue dress,

just like the one you wear to roll call.

Forget about Suzy! What about this major?

-Uh, yeah, what's his name? -That's why I'm calling you.

The Colonel couldn't remember his name,

just said some loud, fat guy with the hair growing out of his ears.

Oh, that's Roshalski.

Unless his hair is red, then it's Pernell.

Great. That narrows it down to two.

Uh, gotta go. Suzy's waiting.

Listen, don't screw up my files.

Uh, no thanks, I don't need a menu tonight.

I'll just have the fish again.

You think they could, uh, cook it this time?

Psst! Hey, nurse. Come over here. I need you.

What is it? Are you in pain?

No. I feel great. That's why I need you.

What are you doing? Stop.

I'm makin' a tent. You wanna come in?

Scully. I'm on duty.

Okay. What time do you get off?

I'll pick you up in my cot, and we'll go for a spin.

You just relax now. You've gotta save your strength.

I've been savin' it all day. I'd like to spend a little.

Scully.

Look, I know you're on duty.

You're an angel of mercy, right?

Okay, angel, show me some mercy.

Scully, I have a ward full of casualties.

Let 'em get their own dates.

S-Scully-- What are you doing?

MARGARET: May I have my hand back, please? I'm gonna pull rank on you.

Oh, my God. Corpsman! Corpsman!

Now, Major, don't get in a tizzy.

Nobody's blaming you.

I let myself be distracted for only a moment

and the next thing I knew-- there she was on the floor.

The only question is why the hell was she out of bed anyway?

Probably delirious, looking for help.

It's more likely she was trying to leave

before she had to talk to Lieutenant "Truth or Consequences."

Look. We have to get that woman out of here.

Just knowing Park is here is driving her nuts.

G2 is as stubborn as a mule on this, Hunnicutt.

They say any interference from us

will be a breach of army protocol.

-Protocol? -Come on.

It's a matter of courtesy to the Korean military.

Courtesy? Oh, pardonnez-moi.

How could we be so rude to somebody

nice enough to invite us to their war?

Emily Post will never forgive us.

Shoot from the left. Stab from the right.

How to ravage a countryside with taste and style.

Always stand when a grenade enters the room.

Our hands are tied, boys.

-G2 has made a decision. -What does G2 know?

-There's gotta be somebody else. -The provo marshal.

-I talked to him. -The chief of that special security section--

-Bart what's-his-name. -Wilson.

He was with the provo marshal when I called.

MacArthur, Dorothy Kilgallen, Walter Winchell--

there's gotta be somebody.

Nobody. There's nothing else we can do.

As soon as she's well enough,

we have to turn her over to Lieutenant Park.

Now you'll just have to live with that.

I can live with it. I don't think she can.

Put your little foot right out.

Shake it all about.

And that's how you do the Varsity Drag.

-Look at that.

She walks better than we do comin' home from Rosie's.

Of course, but she was only shot. We're usually bombed.

Uh, I'd recommend a U-turn there.

You don't want to go out there. That's an inhospitable zone.

Uh, look at that?

Terrific. Now that's walking.

Don't let it get around.

A speedy recovery could be bad for her health.

Well.

No wonder he's winning, Charles.

He's got more pieces than you.

Stick to a game that you can play, Hunnicutt,

like tetherball.

Doc, how is our patient?

Oh, not well at all.

These things take time, you know.

Besides, what's your hurry?

You haven't finished torturing Winchester yet.

Hunnicutt. Please?

Check, I believe.

Very good, Major.

Of course, the point of the game is checkmate.

You move so quickly.

You really should explore all the possibilities

before you...

take my piece.

One dead horsie.

Waiter!

Tea. Where is he?

Oh. I'm sorry, Lieutenant. Something for you?

- Sorry.

-♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

-♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪ Boom, boom-boom

♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom

-♪ Boom-doo--

-Sorry. -Major.

I must say, you play with a most aggressive style.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, you mean my variations on the Ruy Lopez opening?

No, although that was intriguing.

I was referring to the Winchester Gambit.

-Oh? -Drumming fingers,

bellowing for tea, squeaking chair,

-the idle humming. -Berlioz.

Oh. Of course. I should have guessed.

And all curiously effective to a degree.

Oh, it's-- it's quite unintentional, I assure you.

Do not apologize. It is part of the game.

And it could hardly interfere

with my executing moves such as... this.

-Jus-- -I have your queen.

You fell for the bait.

Unless, of course, you'd like to reconsider?

Hi, guys. It's okay.

This coat was shot years ago.

So? Cold enough for ya?

Yes. For me, it is.

It is cold enough for you?

It is stupid question.

Hey, I don't mind if he's a little surly.

Many's the night I've walked this post.

And where are the officers?

Inside where it's nice and warm,

with the broads and the booze

while us enlisted slobs

freeze our tails off pulling guard duty.

Don't matter what army you're in.

It ain't easy being a dogface.

-Dogface? -Yeah. Dogface.

He make sense to you?

Yeah. He's unhappy

because he has the face of a dog.

And the nose of a duck.

Pride of the U.S. Army.

Even gave it its own serial number.

Here. Maybe this will keep you warm.

-No drink. Lieutenant Park say. -Really?

Whenever we get guard duty,

they give us a bottle to keep warm.

I got this from a wonderful major.

It's Napoleon brandy.

Gentlemen, let us be cultured about this.

We'll get just as loaded.

Come here.

Quick. Open it.

Here. Fill this up.

Then we gotta get it warm,

or we'll miss the embrace of its vaporous pleasures.

Good for the "old factory."

See that? Huh?

Hey? Ha ha ha ha.

KLINGER: Hey, there's more to you guys than meets the eye.

-GUARDS: Ah!

Just a moment. Lieutenant? Lieutenant?

Out of my way, Captain!

Wait a minute! Wait a second! Hold on!

Wait! Just-Just wait! Wait!

There will be no more waiting, Captain.

You have demonstrated quite clearly

that this woman is ready to travel.

Yeah, but in an ambulance, not in a hearse.

You have also demonstrated with equal clarity

that you can no longer be trusted.

She is now my prisoner.

Pierce? Hunnicutt? What's going on here?

Your doctors attempted to sneak my prisoner out of here.

Fortunately, I stopped them.

Are we just gonna let them take her?

Hunnicutt, there's nothing I can do about it.

You're ripping her stitches!

She says you're a fool, and she curses you.

Oh, she does, huh?

I'm not lying, Captain. Look at her face.

She says, "You save lives of those

who kill my people and rape my land."

"I would kill you as I tried

to kill my enemy in your hospital."

"As I would kill this murderer,

I would gladly die if I could kill but one of you."

Now, if you have heard enough, Captain.

You can't wait to get at her, can you? Can you!

You have already taken enough of my time, Captain.

Can you not see that this woman's life

is more important to you than it is to her?

-I will go now. -You don't wanna be late for your killing.

You have done your job. Now I will do mine.

You son of a bitch!

So long, Jack. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together.

I understand perfectly.

You're probably seeing another casualty on the side.

-Margaret.

-You want us to see if we can get you a stretcher for two?

Pierce, you ought to wash your mind out with soap.

-Good-bye, Margaret. -Bye, Scully.

It was wonderful seeing you again.

Wonderful? It was great.

Oh, yes. Mmm.

-And thanks, guys. -Glad to do it.

-Hurry back. Next time, leave out the bullets.

You doctors did a terrific job on him.

All part of the service, Margaret.

Yeah. All we did was make sure he was ready for action.

Just too bad he had to leave before he saw any.

-Oh! -What?