Original subtitles

Blabberball: Wo-pah!

Earth gets a surprise galactic bitch slap

on Opening Game Day in the Capital City of Lartha!

As usual, your wise and powerful leader,

Lord Crayzar, was prepared!

After the Rad Warz ripped Earth a new one,

He created The Game to unite humanity!

And now He's saving us again,

this time uniting the teams of The Game

and fearlessly leading the charge of Team Earth

along with the mighty Ballmastr

to meet the mysterious alien threat head-on

in his newest creation --

Cosmic Super Fortress Gold Diamond!

Let's go live to Earth's orbit,

where the battle for humanity will be decided!

Fear not!

Lord Crayzar will guide the Terra Defense Force to victory!

All hail Lord Crayzar!

♪♪

♪♪

♪ 'Splosions flash 'cross time and space ♪

♪ Final battle, human race ♪

♪ Only together we hope to survive ♪

♪ Cosmic answers that we seek ♪

♪ Rose's magic mystery ♪

♪ Love and power transform space and time ♪

♪ Against all odds we send our champion to fight ♪

♪ Let's roll the dice ♪

♪ Impossible, but roll the dice ♪

♪ Impossible, but roll the dice ♪

♪ Gold Diamond ♪

♪ Crayzar's magic is our guide ♪

♪ Gold Diamond ♪

♪ Planet Earth will be the prize ♪

♪ Gold Diamond ♪

♪ Gold Diamond ♪

♪ Spinning flora harmonize ♪

♪ New powers are synchronized ♪

♪ Witness our hero as he is reborn ♪

♪ Spinning like the Catherine wheel ♪

♪ Rip through stars and hardened steel ♪

♪ Oh, our champion is real ♪

♪ So real ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Ouch!

Oh.

[ Gasps ]

[ Explosion ]

♪♪

[ All gasp ] Fear not, my partisans!

Nothing rivals the greatness

of Cosmic Super Fortress Gold Diamond!

Babyball: This giant ugly-ass flying head's making me wonder

what the hell we're doing up here!

Trust in Crayzar, Babyball! He always has a plan!

I'm ready to go AWOL and frag Captain Crayzar on the way out!

Gaz: Why don't you two get back here first,

then we can discuss fragging the captain?

Wow! The first non-moronic idea I've heard all day!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Alarm blaring ] They attached something to the ship!

[ Explosion ]

[ Gasps ]

If you wanna get to them,

you're gonna have to go through us!

I suppose it's too late to declare myself

a conscientious objector?

Both: Fission Fists!

♪♪

Pinball Wizard!

♪♪

Ha-ha!

[ Grunts ] Aah!

[ Grunting ]

Aah! [ All gasp ]

Oh! Gah!

Who are these guys?

After years of searching,

I've finally located the elusive Gold Saytar!

You two know each other?!

Don't you recognize me, Crayzar?

It is I, Tyetaynus the Conqueror...

your brother!

Awkward!

Let this be a day of reckoning

as I deliver you to the Almighty Saytar,

where you will be judged

and held accountable for your crimes!

[ All gasp ]

Take the ball, as well. It intrigues me.

I'm not intriguing! I'm dull!

Very, very boring!

Aaaaah!

This is my most trusted lieutenant, Hell Bastard.

You are in his charge while I deliberate your fate.

I suggest you submit to him...

unconditionally.

Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into!

Come on up to outer space.

We'll save the Earth, have a few laughs!

Oh! Poison gas! Hold your breath!

We're all gonna die.

[ Screaming ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Chattering ]

Ah! Ah!

Hail Great King and Almighty Father of all Saytar,

Demon Saytar!

I did what no other could!

I deliver to you the traitor, Crayzar!

[ All murmuring ]

Hi, Dad. Crayzar!

You were honored with a task of great import --

to obtain the Cosmo Diary!

And there have been no tidings for millennia!

Space is so vast. And boring!

[ All gasp ]

You continue to disappoint me, Crayzar.

Uh, will somebody explain what's going on here?

[ Thunder crashes ] Aah!

What is this squeaking trifle?

The so called champions

of this pathetic world they call Earth!

Proof of the perverse obsessions of Crayzar!

This ball is his ultimate weapon.

It joins with the loins of the Earth child to create a warrior!

A ball? Champions of Earth?

This charlatan created an army of playthings

to worship him as a god!

Crayzar! What have I told you

about diddling with lower life-forms!

Just a hobby, Dad. A silly game!

[ All gasp ] Silly game?

While we are burdened with the fate of the universe,

Crayzar cavorts with sub-races!

Who you calling a sub-race, short stack!

And all at the expense of his mission --

obtaining the Cosmo Diary!

The Cosmo Diary is Cosmo Boomer nonsense!

-Heretic! -Cynic!

-Rake! -Traitor!

The Cosmo Diary is a sacred artifact

containing the secrets of the universe!

Ancient knowledge and wisdom

are granted to those who wield this holy relic.

For eons we had no need of it, as none threatened our power.

But now, mysterious dark forces have entered our universe.

We call them Necro Mammoth.

The Cosmo Diary holds the key

to understanding these ruinous beasts

and saving the galaxy!

Well, I've never seen one!

He treats his birthright as if it was a hardship!

He's guilty of treason and must be punished!

-Apostate! -Idler!

Crayzar!

I strip you of your powers!

Daddy, no!

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Screaming ]

I convey the judgment of your fate to your brother!

Bring Crayzar back to the fold if you can.

Otherwise, I wash my hands.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Wind howling ]

[ Gasps ] Don't look so upset, brother.

I'll return your powers.

All you have to do is prove you've learned your lesson...

by destroying Earth!

Anything! I beg you!

Please just return my powers!

Take the prisoner to a holding cell

while we move the ship into firing position!

You've been a naughty little Saytar, Crayzar.

You deserve a bit of punishment, don't you agree?

Hold on, Your Shortness! You don't wanna get rid of me.

Forget about Crayzar!

Let's focus on you!

What do you really want?

To rule the galaxy, of course!

I can work with that!

You know, on Earth I was a pretty influential, popular guy.

I can be quite useful to your agenda of galactic domination.

[ Laughs ]

You are actually correct

in the assurance of your usefulness.

I am? Uh, of course I am!

Every ruler requires the occasional diversion

of levity and mirth.

You will be my fool.

Ah!

Oh-ho-ho!

[ Chattering ]

Alright, listen up!

As acting captain, I want to say that --

This stinks! Some friend Lord Crayzar turned out to be!

The Gold Saytar has the Midas touch, alright.

Everything he touches turns to shit!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Okay, settle down!

Ya know, a day may come

when the courage of humanity fails,

when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship,

but not this day!

This day we fight!

This day we take back our ship and save Crayzar!

Ace: Save Crayzar?

Crayzar sold out humanity and is gonna destroy the Earth!

The kid's right! Screw Crayzar!

Let's bounce!

Hop in the escape pods and get outta here!

[ All cheering ]

I hate to break it to ya, but there aren't enough pods

for the entire population of the ship.

Then let's fight for the pods!

Every team for themselves!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Lord Crayzar, protector of humans!

Use your powers to save yourself!

Oh, wait. You don't have any!

[ Both laugh ]

The fate of humanity's at stake

and you're just hangin' around?

Go away. I'd love to, but, you know, I got a sweet new gig here,

hence my new look.

So what's the plan?

There's no plan.

You're Crayzar!

You always have a plan!

I'm a failure.

Well, technically you're more of a liar and a traitor,

and leading your homicidal brother to Earth's doorstep

was a pretty epic fail.

He sucks, by the way.

I was supposed to usher humanity into a new age of prosperity.

Instead I am the cause of its ruin.

You also saved a civilization that descended into chaos

and unified it by creating The Game.

You made Ballmastr!

You even helped turn Gaz Digzy

from a drunk dumpster fire of a human into a champion,

a leader even!

I had such grand plans for Gaz.

You should have seen the new secret weapon

I designed for her.

Wait, what?! Secret weapon?

I was waiting for the right moment to share it,

but it's too late now.

If there ever was a right moment, it's now!

We gotta get this thing to Gaz and let her do her thing!

It's hidden deep inside Gold Diamond.

She'll never find it.

So tell her where it is!

You pop in and out of her head all the time

with your freaky powers!

When I had powers.

I failed her.

She doesn't want my help anymore.

If anyone still believes in you, it's Gaz Digzy!

Well, she's wrong. I've failed you all.

You know how to make balls, but now it's time to grow some!

It's late in the game.

We're as far from the end zone as we can get.

A win looks impossible.

T-The fair-weather fans

are already walking to the parking lot.

But we've still got one slim chance

to throw Gaz a Hail Mary pass, so we gotta try,

because if we don't, Earth loses for good!

Like it or not, you're our leader,

so get your sorry golden ass in gear and lead!

What's the final play gonna be, Captain?

Uhh? [ Gasps ]

If we both concentrate and try to join our powers,

it might boost my telepathic signal

and break through to Gaz.

That's the spirit, Goldie!

Ha! [ All scream ]

[ Laughs ]

-[ Gasps ] -[ Groans ]

If it's about survival of the fittest,

shouldn't the reigning champs get an escape pod?

Nobody moves. That's an order.

Don't you get it, Gaz? There's no more Defense Force.

No more orders.

We should save ourselves!

It's what Crayzar did!

I'm totally down to not die.

[ Cheering ]

A captain goes down with the ship.

Crayzar never gave up on me, so I ain't giving up on him!

[ Crickets chirping ]

-Suit yourself. -Let me at 'em!

[ Groans ]

I got sober for this?

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Mutters ]

♪♪

I'm sorry, Gaz.

If the ship goes down, we go down together.

Thanks, little man.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Come on, Crayzar! Try harder!

I am trying!

This is just...weird!

It's only weird 'cause you're making it weird!

I feel funny with you down there!

Suck it up! I gotta do this with Ace all the time.

It's no use. We're just not compatible.

Sometimes it's not about being compatible.

It's about going balls deep!

[ Both screaming ]

♪♪

Crayzar: Gaz. Gaz! Crayzar?

Search within the heart of gold.

Join two halves, make 10!

Savage angel wings unfold, unite us all again!

Huh?

[ Both groaning ]

Well, that was some weird shit!

We can only hope the message was received and deciphered.

Wait. Deciphered?

Tell me you did not send a riddle?

Just a small one. But quite clever!

The fate of humanity is at stake,

and you couldn't just tell her where it was?

Old habits die hard.

Guard: Did someone say die?

Because it's time for Earth... to die!

Gaz: What makes you think this is it, kid?

Crayzar loves riddles, and so do I!

"Search within the heart of gold."

The whole ship is made of gold.

This is the center of the ship, so it must be the heart.

The answer's inside!

♪♪

The only information I'm gettin' from this room

is Crayzar's a narcissist and a hoarder.

"Join two halves, make 10.

Savage angel wings unfold, unite us all again."

♪♪

Gaz, the palm!

Two halves make 10!

Huh?

Attention, pathetic humans of Earth!

Prepare to witness history as I, Tyetaynus the Conqueror,

proudly rid the galaxy of your pitiful world!

We're all gonna die!

Goodbye, my sweet Leto!

It has been a long, strange trip.

Behold!

The Quietus Wave Disruptor!

[ Crowd chanting ]

What is it? A really big fucking gun!

Simply pull the trigger, Crayzar!

Tyetaynus, I think I've learned my lesson.

Why destroy Earth?

Think of all the slaves you could add to your collection.

Or hunt for sport.

What do you think I'm gonna do with your crew

after I melt turd diamond into scrap metal?

Turd diamond.

Good one, boss.

Where the hell is Gaz?!

I don't know, but if she didn't decipher my riddle,

humanity is about to join

the intergalactic endangered species list.

[ Gaz sighs ]

If we don't get past these fools

and rescue Crayzar, Earth is toast!

Gaz! Remember Star-Steeple-Moonshot?

Oh, yeah!

Here's the church, here's the steeple.

Score a goal and please the people!

[ Shouts ]

[ Both grunt ]

[ Ace laughs ]

[ Grunts ] Aah!

Whoa. Savage Angel.

Any last words for these doomed lower life-forms?

People of Earth...

I am sorry I deceived you.

I dazzled you with alien powers and a flashy backstory,

and you made me your god-emperor.

No world meant more to me than yours.

Yet your planet was wrought with chaos, hatred, and endless war.

I created The Game not to deceive you, but to unite you,

to remind you of the great spirit that burns in your hearts

and lead you to a bright new future!

No parent is perfect, but we try our best for our children

because we love them.

I love you, my children,

and the love you gave me in return became my drug,

my addiction!

He loves us! I knew it!

In the glory of that narcotic haze,

I forgot what it meant to be a leader.

It took a friend to remind me.

I don't like where this is going, Crayzar.

My brother has forgotten love.

Don't let him bully you!

Believe in the power of human unity!

Show the universe how strong

and magnificent humanity can be!

Challenge anyone who tells you different!

I could never destroy Earth!

I may not be a man, but I always have a plan,

and from now on, I will live proud and out loud

as my true human-loving self!

And I will never apologize for that!

Nothing you say matters! I'll still destroy Earth!

But first, I'll kill you!

Aaah!

Die, traitor!

[ Alarm blaring ] Sir! Unknown object approaching at high speed!

[ All screaming ]

Not bad for a lower life-form, eh?

Destroy them!

♪♪

[ Grunts, chuckles ]

[ Guards scream ]

Nice speech.

I had a little help from a friend.

Say, isn't he one of yours?

[ Laughs ]

Wow! That's an awfully big sword thingy.

Compensating for something?

Wouldn't you like to know?

♪♪

Babyball: Hey! Tight-Anus!

Oh. Bastard.

♪♪

♪♪

I have my powers...

back!

[ Laughs ]

Who's the fool now, bitch?

[ All cheering ]

Welcome back, Captain!

Let's get the hell out of here!

Fire up the main drive engines!

Just like the legendary spirit warriors of yore,

I focus the energy of my inner chakras --

Would you button it for once already? Seriously?

Shut the eff up! Are you kidding me?

[ Engine sputtering ] What now?

We need time to power up! We're outta time. Look!

[ All shout ]

♪♪

[ Beeping ]

Earth is in my sights,

and Gold Diamond is directly in the line of fire!

I'll finish you all in a single shot!

[ Laughs evilly ]

♪♪

[ Laughs evilly ]

♪♪

[ Echoing ] Crayzar!

Babyball: So that's a Necro Mammoth?

That's one ugly S.O.B.!

I thought you said they don't exist?

I don't have the answers to all the mysteries of the cosmos.

We need to find the Cosmo Diary!

Engines online!

Let us begin a new journey -- nay, an odyssey!

The search for the Cosmo Diary begins now.

Journey swift to stars unknown.

Be brave, be bold, be heroes known.

Alea Iacta Est, the die is cast.

Face future brave, let darkness pass.

Be fierce, be strong, both grow and learn.

Once Rubicon crossed, there's no return.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪