Original subtitles

[alarm ringing]

[♪♪ "Bitch It's Me" playing]

[alarm stops]

♪♪ Baby, I'm good I'm making money in the hood ♪♪

♪♪ I wrote every song Like I knew I would ♪♪

♪♪ Gir,l bounce, bounce Get down and bounce ♪♪

-Hi, Barbara. -Morning.

♪♪ That’s right, bitch I built the city ♪♪

♪♪ Better watch your mouth '‘‘Cause I’m feeling Kinda petty ♪♪

♪♪ Girl, bounce, bounce Get down and bounce ♪♪

♪♪ Doing what I please So I make it count ♪♪

-[coworker] Morning, team. -Mary,

I did that scan on the Kellogg's deck for you.

I caught a few errors on slide three

and I attempted a fun little dissolve effect at the end.

[sighs] Thank you. You're the best, Anton.

[chuckles] Oh, stop. Continue.

[alarm rings]

♪♪ Is it her? Is it him? Bitch it's me ♪♪

And these are record numbers.

-Well done, Anton. -Very impressive.

-[alarm rings] -Bye, Carl.

[♪♪ song continues]

-Oh, midnight oil, huh? -Burning it.

New Daily comes out in five hours.

-I belong to the Church of Barbaro. -[chuckles] See you tomorrow.

[alarm rings]

-[coworker] Thank you, Anton. -Of course.

-[alarm rings] -[chuckles]

♪♪ Bitch, bitch, it's me ♪♪

We've had a bit of feedback on the UX side for the ad-supported tiers,

-but I think the design pitches will help. -Agreed.

[Serena] We're pleased with the results, and we want to roll this out

across all the verticals, so stay tuned.

Really nice work, Serena.

Great job, queen!

[Barbara] So impressive!

-Cunt alert. -[people gasp]

[gasps]

[Anton clears throat]

What did you say?

[♪♪ "Bad Advice" playing]

♪♪ I need some bad advice ♪♪

♪♪ Stay up tonight ♪♪

♪♪ We'll make it out alive ♪♪

[♪♪ song ends]

You said the C-word in a work meeting?

I don't know.

I was tired, and I was texting you guys, and I-I-I slipped up.

-And I never slip up at work. -Okay, who cares?

I mean, I probably say "cunt,"

-like, five times a day. What? -[groans] Could we not say it, please?

Not say "cunt"?

Ah, Yes! [groans] Guys, it is an awful word.

-[Issa] Paul Baker. -Please, I am the son of a mother.

But, Anton, you probably meant it in like a fun, casual Drag Race way.

-Yeah. -I mean, your coworkers know you.

-I'm sure they get it. -[Anton] No, they know

a very specific version of me, okay?

You guys don't get what it's like in a corporate environment.

-They don't take well to cunt. -[groans]

Sorry.

And I was on track to get my own office this year.

I was going to get a partial view of Bryant Park.

It's fine, they'll forget about it in like a day or two.

-And plus, Anton, you hate your job. -[Issa] True.

That's true. You're like always complaining about it.

Yeah, obviously I hate my job, okay, but I-I was doing well there.

And it afforded me a beautiful lifestyle

where I could get drunk and buy pashminas online.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm also dreading work this week.

Vladi has me working at the Manhattan location tomorrow.

-Oh, that sucks. -[Issa gasps] I'm sorry.

-Why? What's wrong with that? -Oh, you don't know?

-[Billie] No. -[Issa] Girl.

Look, look, it's insane.

Hey, man, would you rather do a dare of our choosing or chug a gallon of milk?

[robot voice] "Milk or Dare."

Oh, my God!

Oh, why did you choose milk? Why'd you choose milk?

I don't know.

Yeah, Paul Baker has "man on the street" face.

-"Man on the street" face? -[Paul] Yeah.

Every time I'm in Manhattan, something like this happens to me.

-Every time? -[Paul] Yeah,

something about me just reads very approachable to these people.

[exhales] Damn my kind eyes and open heart.

-[gasps] -[Issa] What?

Carol from HR just put a meeting

on my calendar on Friday, and she's an actual cu--

[groans]

[sighs] Well, that's it. I've lost my job.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with these people?

Don't they get that language evolves,

like how "bitch" used to be for dogs,

and then it was for rude women, and now it's for cool women.

No, most of my coworkers are like 50, Issa.

I can't convince an entire generation that their most offensive word

-is now a way to describe knee-high boots. -[scoffs]

Unless...

[both] Need to normalize "cunt" at work.

[both] Oh, my God.

-Do you still have that-- -Banana Republic gift card from my cousin?

-Yes, duh. Check the job boards. -Yes. Okay.

-Yeah, I'm on it. -[Issa] Okay, yes, okay. Okay!

We are a go on Operation Cunt.

[groans] I'm sorry. That's it. I'm sorry. [stammering]

I'm calling my mom and then your mom and your mom, and I'm checking in!

[groans]

[traffic noises]

-[elevator bell dings] -Okay,

so remember you're just a normal corporate girlie who wants a temp job,

and then once you're hired, you're going to casually drop the C-word.

Right. And then everyone will know that language evolves and you'll keep your job.

Yes, so if they ask if you're proficient with AI,

you're gonna say, "Oh, yeah, AI is cunt."

I can't believe you have to come in here every single day.

I can literally feel my joie de vivre slipping away.

I know, it's the worst.

-Okay, but you've got this. -I know.

Just remember, take all of your normal Issa instincts,

the things I love so much, and then do the exact opposite.

-Okay. -You got it?

What?

-There was no leadership, and I took over... -[Ron] So we outperformed

our Q2 numbers by 34%.

Oh, and exciting news, everybody.

So Serena will be running point for the Halls account.

Whoo. Yes, Serena!

Serena's been on fire ever since that new Nalgene, right?

[chuckles] You could fill an aquarium with that thing.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

It's not... It's not supposed to mean anything.

You're so small and it's-it's so-so big.

-Team, sorry to interrupt. -[Anton] Oh, look.

I would like to give a big PinDrop welcome to our newest temp, Issa!

[Issa chuckling]

Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here.

[Anton] Oh, I have a thought.

Um, should we play that fun game that we do

-with the new temps? -Right.

Um, so, Issa, we ask new hires to describe themselves in three words.

-Oh, so fun. [chuckles] -What would those be for you?

Oh, oh.

Those words, those words would have to be...

[clicks tongue] Um...

[whispering] Cunt.

Cunt.

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

Mmm, mm-mmm, mmm.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, because I am just addicted to that stuff.

-[chuckles] Am I allowed to say that here? -Yes!

[all laughing]

Oh, I think you're gonna fit in here just fine.

-I killed. [laughing] -[all laughing]

-What's up, buddy? -Mmm?

Oh, nothing. Billie's just out on her big date.

This is your coworker you set her up with?

Yeah, you could say that.

That's fun, man. Cute.

So there I was at my new gig canvassing for Green Horizon,

and with my absolute stallion of a protégé, Greg,

and I realized he's pretty but he doesn't even know it.

Plus, he's an absolute beast at snagging signatures,

AKA a go-getter, AKA...

-Billie's type. -Billie's type.

So I introduced them, and now we're on date number two.

[chuckles] Wow, that's huge.

Yeah, I figured now that I'm a relationship guy,

I can, like, focus on helping you guys find love.

I'm like whatever Cupid was.

-Like a matchmaker? -Or like a god.

-God among men. -[car door opens, closes]

Oh. They're back. Play it cool, play it cool.

-Yeah, play it cool. -You play it cool.

[Greg] He'll be okay.

They're here. Play it cool.

-Hey. -Hey!

Oh, my God, how was it?

How was it? Ah, sorry, I can't handle it. How was it?

It was...

great.

-Yeah, it was great. -It was great.

-So good. -Boom!

What did I say? Cupid.

Got a keeper! [chuckles]

-[phone buzzing] -Oh, my God. Boom.

Sorry, this is Carly. Hey, baby.

-[Carly] How'd it go? -They just got home and it was great.

-Yeah! -Oh, you did it!

I know, sorry I was freaking out before, but I'm good now.

[Carly] Good job, baby!

-So, how bad? -Oh, it fucking sucked.

-[stammers] -Oh, no.

-You can tell him. Yeah. -Oh, great. Yeah.

No, so bad. We really do not click.

-Yeah, I really did not enjoy myself. -And I didn't enjoy myself.

-No, and it's not that he's bad. -No, or that she's bad.

-It's just that we're bad together. -Right.

Sure.

Well, also you're a little bad.

-Yeah, you are too. -Yeah.

Okay, then why the second date?

I wanted to give it my best shot

'cause, you know, Samir, he's technically my supervisor

and I just do not want to look for another job right now.

And he's been so excited and, you know, invested.

-Yeah. -You know, he totally misled me about you.

-You're not funny at all. -I'm not funny!

-Mmm. -And you don't ask any questions about me.

It's like you're not curious about my life.

I'm not curious about your life. Give me something to be curious about.

-Ha! I don't want to. -But maybe we're overthinking this.

I mean, he can probably handle it, right?

Oh, and then our kids will be the exact same age.

Boom!

-It's a lot of booms. -A lot of booms.

So what, you just didn't say it?

-Not yet, no. -[Anton] Can you believe that?

She's just fully working at my company now.

She sat through six meetings while I'm out here, like, fighting for my life.

Okay, it's not my fault that I have a knack for making denks, Anton.

"Denks"?

The word is "decks," Issa.

What?

Well, that makes no sense.

Anyway, you're not there to make "denks."

You're there to flood the zone with cunt!

He assigned me a lot of denks.

I can't picture you in an office, Iss.

-Me neither. -[Issa] Me neither!

But then I just did what Anton said.

I followed none of my natural instincts, and now they love me. [chuckles]

And if I said that word, like, they would just look at me

totally differently, like, the way they look at you.

That's the whole point.

I just think it's a lot of effort for a job that you hate, Anton.

Think of my pashminas!

Okay, me becoming an esteemed member of the company will actually make it

all the more powerful when I eventually do say the word.

Okay, great.

In a month or two.

I don't have a month or two, Issa.

My HR meeting's on Friday, okay? I need someone to say it.

[exhales]

I'm going to have to hire an actor off Backstage.com.

-I'm gonna have to watch tapes. -[phone buzzes]

I'm gonna be late for work.

-Same. -Same.

-No. -[Issa] That could have been cute.

That could be a cute thing we both did.

-Have a nice day. -[Issa] You can't be mad at me.

-Have fun at work. -[Samir] Bye.

Love you.

God, I need a job.

-Oh, fuck. -[interviewer] How's it going today?

I'm sorry, man. I got to get to work.

Hey, what's your name, and what's your message of positivity for the world?

My name is Paul Baker.

That's p... That's beautiful. Uh...

Okay, if I had one thing to say--

Psych! Paul Baker, we just looked up every female member of your family.

You have 30 seconds to rank them or we're going to tell them that you died.

Fuck!

-Uh, my aunt Carrie Baker. -[dings]

-My other aunt Susan Baker. -[dings]

Do I have to keep going?

-Yeah. -Okay. I guess my grandma then.

-Mom's side or Dad's side? -Mom's side.

The C-word is so not a big deal, right? Like you say it.

Oh, yeah. Like all the time.

With me and my friends, it's like the most normal word in the world.

Exactly, okay.

So maybe you could just, like, tell the others it's a thing.

Oh, no.

No, dude. I'm not trying to get fired.

-Lily. -No, you said it at work, dude.

-You're basically a leper now. -Remember when I came to your improv show?

Remember when I suggested the Great Wall of China like you told me to?

You swore you would never speak about that.

-Well, I'm speaking of it now, okay? -No!

Even I know it's "yes and". You said no a hundred times.

You're not taking away my pickleball. No.

[Serena] Hey, do you want to join our dodgeball league?

We have a big match against accounts receivable on Sunday.

Uh-uh, I don't know. If they can dodge balls as well as Ron dodges emails,

then we might be in a little bit of trouble.

[laughing]

-I'm in, Serena! I'm very in. [chuckles] -[Serena] Yay!

-[Issa] Putting it in my cal. -[Anton] Hi, Ron. Hi, Mary.

-Um... -[Ron clears throat]

[Issa clears throat]

-You're avoiding me. -What? No, no, I'm not.

[whispers] I just don't want people to know how close we are.

For the plan.

[scoffs] Okay, well, either way, I don't need you anymore.

-What? -I'm bringing in backup.

What does that mean?

Today the word will be spoken, and all you have to do is laugh.

That's it. Just act like it's not a big deal, okay?

-Okay. Great. Easy. Easy. -Can you do that?

-I got you. -Let's get started, guys.

Got a lot on the agenda today.

Um, Mary, can you give us the update for the Holbrook account...

Sorry to interrupt.

I, uh-- I have a lunch order for Barbara.

-Oh, that's me. Thanks. -You brought Samir?

-[shushes] -Thank you.

Wow, Barbara, that Harvest Salad is looking cunt.

[all gasping]

Laugh.

Issa, just laugh, please. What are you doing?

How dare you?

[all gasping]

What are you doing?

You cannot talk like that here in this house of business.

-Yeah. -[Issa] This is not the docks.

So you get out of here and you scram,

scram out of here!

I just have like 20 more salads.

We don't want your lettuce, sailor boy!

You leave and scram and have a good day out there.

-Are you okay? -I'm okay.

That was very brave, Issa.

Yeah, you really stood up for us.

Guys, we are PinDrop Digital Advertising!

-Yeah! -Yes, we are!

-God, I love my work family! -[all cheering]

-Yes! -Yes!

[chanting] PinDrop! PinDrop!

[all chanting] PinDrop!

PinDrop!

PinDrop!

PinDrop! PinDrop!

PinDrop!

Okay, and so this is the kitchen, and now we're heading to the living room.

-It's got a couch. -Nice. Couches are my shit.

-[whispers] Hey, what is happening? -I don't know.

-Uh, show you upstairs. -Whose house is this?

Samir's parents. It's a whole thing...

-Is that the guy? -I don't know.

Oh, how'd it go?

Well, I called a Harvest Salad "cunt" and got slapped in the mouth.

So it's a Mad Libs series of events.

[Billie] Totally.

[Samir] Whoa.

Well, well, well, a little lunch date?

I mean, it's clear skies towards date six.

So, at that point we're exclusive?

Actually, Samir, uh, Greg is here because

we want to talk to you about something.

-Okay. -[Billie] Greg, want to sit?

What's going on?

-There's no easy way to say this, uh... -[Greg] Yeah.

Greg and I have decided that we are not going to be seeing each other anymore.

What?

No.

No, come on. What? No, this is a joke.

This is like when people joke about stuff--

We know it feels really big to set people up.

-Yeah. -But this time it just didn't work out.

Nope.

-No? -Nuh-uh.

I'm not letting you guys quit on each other.

-Okay, Samir, we're not a fit. -[Greg] Right.

-We're not a fit. -It's just a chemistry thing.

Can't argue with chemistry.

-It's nature. -It's science.

[Samir sighs] Hmm.

-Chemistry? -[both] Mm-hmm.

-Then I can actually help with that. -No.

Okay, so you're gonna want to make sure that you're kissing on the neck,

just like...

-Samir. -See, even that.

I'm gonna need you to stop.

And are you guys doing ear stuff?

-Samir. -A chew, a nibble, a little tongue flick.

It's an androgynous zone. Did you know that?

-Erogenous. -Yes.

-That's not what you said. -Okay, you know what?

I have a book about this. Give me two seconds.

[Billie] Samir.

[Samir] Going to fix this right up.

[Billie sighs]

[sighs] Okay, well, that's it.

We're gonna have to get married and raise kids.

And we're going to be buried next to each other.

Well, actually, I want to be cremated. It's better for the environment.

Greg. I don't fucking care.

-[woman] Excuse me? -[yelps]

Can you help me, young man?

Ah. Yes.

Yeah, hi, sorry, how can I help you?

Good, 'cause you're on Gay Granny's Trivia Crashout!

Fuck. Sorry, I'm late for work. I gotta run.

-Fill in the blank. -Okay.

Jimmy Carter was...

-President? -[buzzes]

Closeted homo in my opinion. Next question.

If Ronald Reagan had longer feet, would that have changed anything?

[chimes]

[Issa] Anton, could you please come in here?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[scoffs]

-Hi. -Is this your office?

Oh, no. They just said I could post up here till Todd gets back from Taipei.

-Of course they did. -Please sit.

-So, I have my HR meeting in ten minutes. -I saw, yeah.

And you completely abandoned me, for what?

To work in digital ad sales?

We do a lot more here than digital ad sales, Anton.

Oh, my God, Issa!

I'm sorry it turned out this way, Anton.

I really am, but, you know, it is not my fault

that I actually connect with this place.

-Oh, you connect? -I do.

I know it sounds crazy, but I actually like work.

[scoffs] Mm-hmm.

Anton, do you know how many things I've tried

to get the voice in my head to be quiet?

No.

Therapy, ketamine, so many wigs,

and then I come here, and I enter this, like,

fugue state where... [chuckles] ...like,

for ten hours a day, all I care about is this.

I realized this is how you do it.

This is how you make time go by.

[exhales]

Don't you think I know that, Issa?

Well, but no, you hate your job!

-No, I don't! -Yes, you always say that!

No, I just say that at home because it's lame to be like, "I love work.

I love my job," okay?

But when I'm here, I care about it so much.

[scoffs] I love these people, okay?

I love Barbara. I love her.

I care that Mary gets her flaxseed granola in the morning.

I want so deeply for Ron to get his new monitor

so that he doesn't hurt his bad little back,

and most of all, I love, I love that it takes me

out of myself for hours at a time.

[chuckling] Isn't it amazing?

-It's transcendent! -Yeah, we are transcending self!

Yes, it's a sublime experience!

Why do you think I'm holding on to it so fucking tightly?

[panting]

I had no idea.

Well, now you know.

Just in time for me to lose it all because I made one mistake one time

that now no one can forget.

But hey, enjoy Todd's office.

[clicks tongue] The partial view of Bryant Park.

[sobbing] It's partially stunning.

[thunder rumbling]

[knocks on door]

[Billie] Oh, God.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I quit my job.

-What? -I turned in my vest.

I told Samir that I'm moving to Peoria.

We're free.

You-You did that for me?

No, I did that for us.

So we never have to see each other again.

[♪♪ romantic music plays]

[Greg moans]

God, I hate your facial hair.

-I hate your scent. -[pants]

[both moaning]

Fuck me on this table, and then I never want to see you again.

Okay.

[both moaning]

Look, Anton, you're a great member of this team, but we are concerned

about your future here in the wake of your outburst on Monday.

Hmm? Outburst?

I don't... I think there's been a mistake.

I-I was not here on Monday.

I was, um, sick.

Maybe you're mistaking me for Christine.

We have similar eyes.

Okay, listen, it gives me no joy to say this, but--

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Um...

I tried really hard to be perfect here.

But I screwed up.

I made a really bad,

really embarrassing mistake, and it was unprofessional,

and I was out of line, and I'm-I'm-I'm so sorry.

Well, we appreciate you taking responsibility.

I don't think we need to escalate this any further.

Do we all agree?

Wait, sorry, um, I get to keep my job?

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

-If there's anything else I can do-- -Sorry, Issa--

-This is a private meeting. -[Issa] I know, Barb,

but I have something to say to Anton, and I'm afraid it can't wait.

I love you.

Issa, no. No.

[bleeps]

[all gasping]

[door closes]

I think now is a good time to tell you I'm gay.

[♪♪ upbeat music plays]

So, that's how I sacrificed my job to save Anton's.

Yeah, you totally did it. All you.

And you know, honestly, I get it now.

It's true what they say. Work will set you free.

-Cheers. -Oh, no, you can't say that.

-Not cheers-ing that. Not cheers-ing that. -Why? That's Gandhi.

-[Samir] No, that's Hitler. -[Issa] What?

Actually there's this guy, Michael, that I work with.

-He's 6'1". -That's tall.

But you know what? I think my heart is still healing from Greg.

-Mmm. -Thank you though.

You're really good at this.

-Fucking Peoria. -I know, right?

-So far. Long-distance relationships, man. -Yeah.

[Paul] Anton.

Anton, I did it.

I made it through my terrible work week and I normalized the C-word.

-Two for the price of one. -Wait, what? What?

What are you talking about?

Okay.

-Boom. -What is a hill you're willing to die on?

I think you should be able to say "cunt" in the workplace.

-[Issa] Wow. -[Billie] Wow, you--

-Oh, my God. -You said it.

-You punched it, hard C. -[Paul] Uh-huh. Yep,

and it felt real bad in my mouth, but I said it.

Paul Baker, thank you.

You're welcome.

[clears throat]

Yeah. Hey, if you guys like that one, just wait till you see all the others.

-What? -All the others?

-Oh, yeah, I got busy. -[♪♪ "Wut I Gotta Fix?!" playing]

Hey, everybody. For today's very special episode,

-we are here with Paul Baker. -Hi.

-What is your favorite color? -Green.

-Favorite animal? -Monkeys.

-What's your favorite word? -Cunt.

-What? Um... -Cunt.

What's your biggest turn on?

-Beautiful smile, great teeth, great cunt. -Oh.

I love this song.

This is "Cunts Coming to Town" by the Cunt Makers.

This is the worst anyone's ever done on this show.

-Cunt. Yeah! -Okay, Paul Baker, you ate that.

So, Kyle, who is this man?

Who is this adult man on my show?

Shouldn't we be interviewing kids?

-Just say cunt. -Stop. Cunt. Cut. Sorry.

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ If I'm not broken What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪