Original subtitles

♪♪ That-that-that-that Is right on time ♪♪

♪♪ Is right on time ♪♪

♪♪ That crazy beat Is right on tim ♪♪

♪♪ Is right on time ♪♪

[screaming, whooping]

What the fuck kind of friend would I be if I fucking said that?

-No. Then you look bad. -"You're ugly"?

[screams]

[whooping]

[coughs]

-Oh. Okay. [chuckles] -You're evil. You're evil.

Okay, no. I needed this.

-You just wanted to join. -You're evil.

-All right. Another round. -[Paul] For sure.

-Uh, what's your tab? -Thank you.

Uh, Billie Schaeffer.

I'm sorry, uh, can I see your ID?

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Huh.

You can't arrest us. We're filming.

[♪♪ theme music playing]

[Billie] Okay, so what happened exactly?

Okay, so I was covering a shift for my bartender buddy

and this girl handed me a New Jersey license

that said Billie Schaeffer.

-What was the address? -Uh, like, 40, uh, Trenton something.

Forty-two Sycamore Lane, Trenton, New Jersey 08605?

Wait, Platinum Blonde?

She's still in rotation. -Wait, what's Platinum Blonde?

Billie had this legendary fake ID in high school. It scanned.

It had a hologram, came in a hollowed-out Bible.

-Nice. -All right.

This is crazy. I mean, when I turned 21, I passed it down to Katie Hobert,

and then Katie Hobert passed it down to Lauren Gould,

who passed it down to Missy Wheeler,

but then Missy Wheeler found Jesus and deleted Instagram, so I lost track.

Okay, well, current Fake Billie was going absolutely insane last night.

-[Billie gasps] No way. -[Paul] She was, like, downing shots

and started bodysurfing these McKinsey interns.

She was cool.

You know what? You could not pay me to be that age again.

You know what? You could not pay me to be that age again. -Could not pay me. -Same.

-Could not pay me. -Same.

You know, literally same.

Like, for the first time, we're not the youngest people on Earth anymore.

-[Billie] Mmm. -Honestly, thank God.

Yeah.

Hey, should I, like, reach out to her?

-To Fake Billie? -[Billie] Yeah.

I-I mean, do you want to reach out to her?

-Oh, no, no, not-not for my sake. -Oh.

But like, you know, she could use my advice, right?

Like, I could help her skip over all the mistakes of her 20s.

-[Anton] Mmm. You're the person for that. -[Issa] Yes.

-Yeah, I bet she'd love that. -[Billie] Right?

Okay, I'm gonna text Lauren Gould

and get in touch with the Billie network.

Alex Able, that's the name of the kid I gave my fake to.

Damn, I haven't thought about him in years.

-[Issa] Mmm. -Fake Samir's probably in Congress by now.

-Yeah, maybe. I don't know. -M-Maybe. Uh-huh.

-Or he could be doing porn in the valley. -Mmm. That.

I see that more for him.

-Good porn. -Yeah, tasteful porn.

-Porn where they kiss. -Kissing porn.

-[Issa] So cute. -[Anton] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-[Billie] Aw. -[Issa] Do you feel like a mom?

[chuckling] Yeah. Well, not a mom.

-But more of like a mentor. -You feel like a mentor. Yeah.

-Lavender matcha with honey. -Ooh.

-[whispers] Let's go. Ready? [chuckles] -Yeah. [chuckles]

[whispers] No. I didn't know

-Um, did you guys order the matchas? -She did.

-Yeah, I did. -Okay.

Oh, my God.

-She didn't realize. [chuckles] -She doesn't know.

-Uh, you ready? -[whispers] Blow her mind.

It's me.

-[Billie chuckles] -[chuckles] And it's me. [chuckles]

[chuckling]

Billie Schaeffer, 42 Sycamore Lane, Trenton, New Jersey 08605?

Oh, my God!

-[Billie chuckles] Yeah. -There it is. I was like,

-"Is she gonna get there? Is she gonna" -Check, please.

-But you got there, girl. -Just kidding. Don't bring us the check.

-Garrett, this is Billie. -[Billie chuckles]

-Garrett, this is Billie. -[Billie chuckles] -The fake ID. [chuckles] -[chuckles] We thought it was AI randomly.

-The fake ID. [chuckles] -[chuckles] We thought it was AI randomly.

[Garrett] Oh, my God. -Kiss the ring. Kiss the ring.

-No, don't kiss the ring. [chuckles] -[chuckling]

-No, it's like I'm you in the future. -Right. It's so--

-Hi. -Things are looking good. [chuckles]

-Hold on. Okay, um -No way.

How old are you?

-Um, I just turned 25. -Mm-hmm.

[stammers]

-Wow, um -So fun.

That's awesome.

[sighs] Twenty-five. So, you were around for, like, 9/11 and such?

-No. -I mean, technically.

-Yeah. -But I was just a baby.

Helaine! Can we get a croissant for the lady?

'Cause she was there during 9/11.

Not a lady, so [chuckles]

[clears throat] Um, wait, such cute little freaking stamps.

-Where did you get those? -Ooh, yeah.

Oh, um, it's this new club Uncle Tuesday on Avenue A.

-Oh, we haven't been yet. -Cool. Yeah.

-You guys will probably hate it. -Hate it. Hate it.

-It's, like, young people. -Uh, I don't know.

-I think I'd like it. I think I'd like it. -Ooh.

-Right, Iss? -[chuckles, stammers] I [chuckles]

Wait, crazy idea.

We should all swing by Uncle Tuesday together sometime.

-Sounds like my kind of spot. [chuckles] -[Issa] Mmm.

-Um, you know, I-I would love to. -[Garrett] Love.

But, um, basically, I-I left your ID in a cab last night.

[Garrett] It's gone.

-It's gone. Yeah. -We're so sad about it.

-Really sad actually, um -I know.

But you guys enjoy your matchas, okay?

And, uh, keep rocking that haircut. Yeah.

Well, I'm growing it out, so it's a transitional phase.

-She's not -This isn't the length that it's gonna be.

Oh, my God. This is crazy.

-Okay, he's not on LinkedIn. -[Issa gasps]

-He's not in Congress. This is a bad sign. -Samy, chill, dude.

Whatever Fake Samir's up to now is not your responsibility.

Yet I feel responsible, okay? Think about it.

I started this guy's drinking journey.

He probably started somebody else's,

and I could have created a whole lineage of curly-haired degenerates.

Calm down, Samir. Once you pass down a fake ID,

-it just belongs to the world. -[Paul] Mm-mmm.

-It's like sending a nude. -[Samir sighs]

-No. -See, this is why I never had a fake.

You never had a fake?

No, I never needed one.

-I used the method. -[Paul] Mmm.

-What's the method? -You don't know the method?

-You do know the method? -Yeah, I know the method.

Anton and I go out sometimes.

It's Billie. Billie, what are you doing?

Guys, announcement.

-We're going out tonight. -[Issa] Oh, my God. Pants.

-We're going out tonight. -[Issa] Oh, my God. Pants. -Whoa! Ooh. -We are?

-Whoa! Ooh. -We are?

Yes. Come on, I wanna dance.

We haven't danced in [singsongy] uh-uh-uh, forever. [chuckles]

Uh-huh. How did it go with Fake Billie?

Oh, Sophie-Rose?

Oh, Sophie-Rose? -Uh, great. Yeah. -[Anton] Oh.

-Uh, great. Yeah. -[Anton] Oh.

[Billie] She was great.

Uh, she did lose my fake ID.

-She lost it? -Wait. Platinum Blonde?

-She lost it? -Wait. Platinum Blonde? Yeah, but you know what I realized?

Yeah, but you know what I realized?

Yeah, but you know what I realized? Thank God, I don't need that thing anymore because we are older now.

Thank God, I don't need that thing anymore because we are older now.

-Yeah. -But also younger than we'll ever be.

-Well -Come on, Samir, get dressed.

-We're going to Uncle Tuesday. -[stammers] Uncle Tuesday.

Delulu. Things used to be called things.

[laughs]

-Paul Baker, you coming out? -[Paul] Mm-mmm.

Tonight is me and Paul Baker's cozy night in.

-Yes. -We haven't had a date night in so long.

[sighs] Boring.

-We're just gonna relax, make some salmon -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-do some anal. -Mm-hmm.

-Martha Stewart says it's great. -She does.

-The salmon? -You poor sweet girl.

-No. -[whispering] No.

-Anton, we can't just skip the line. -Yes, we can, trust me.

Just let me do my thing, please.

Hi, hi. We're-We're on the list.

-Whose list? -It's Zach Carp's list.

He's friends with Jessica Palmari.

I don't see a Zach Carp.

I'm so sorry. So, Jessica Palmari works with Nicole Berman,

whose husband owns the club.

The owner's name is Steve Winslow.

Winslow, Steve Winslow. Yes. No, he's just the day-to-day.

So, Nicole Berman's husband

works for the private equity company that invested in the club.

So, uh, let me explain, it's a lot of moving parts.

There's a board of directors, right? Tad Marberg, David Corpeland.

There's a woman as well, Jennifer Jesman and then--

All right, all right. [sighs] Just come inside.

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

[whispering] The method.

-And what's your name? -Chris.

-Oh, great. Chris. Are you new? -Yeah.

Hi, Chris.

[♪♪ club music plays]

-Oh, he said he'd be here by now. -Who?

-Fake Samir. -You texted Fake Samir?

I texted Fake Samir, yeah. My imagination's been running wild, Anton.

What if he's selling smack in an alley?

Smack? Who says smack?

He was in Rent in tenth grade.

I played Mark, okay? He's the audience's way in.

[both chuckle]

Oh, my God.

-[Garrett] Yes! -[chuckling]

That fucking liar.

[Samir] Billie.

-Oh, my God, hi! -Oh, shit, hi! [laughs]

I thought you lost my ID.

Oh. Yeah, no, I did. I did, but then then I found it, girl.

-[squeals] -Oh, my God.

Okay, so, Sophie-Rose, maybe no one's ever told you this before,

but you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you, okay?

but you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you, okay? Just a little advice for you.

Just a little advice for you.

I'm sorry, who is this?

Um, it's just some woman that keeps trying to hang out with me.

Okay, so not a woman.

I'm 25, which actually Maxim says is the hottest age to be, so. [chuckles]

Is Maxim your husband?

You know what?

You guys enjoy your little watered-down cocktails, okay?

'Cause I'm here tonight

Hear that? Yeah.

to have some fucking fun!

Pants.

I feel like she really wants you to notice her pants.

[Alex] Samir. Samir.

Oh, my God. Hey.

How are you doing?

-Oh, thanks for reaching out, dude. -Oh. Yeah.

Oh, it's been too long, dude.

-Yeah, yeah, it has been. -Yeah.

How you doing?

-I'm good, man. I'm good. -You're good? You're good? You're okay?

-I'm great. Yeah. -Yeah?

Uh, kinda getting railed at work, but

Railed. In the valley?

No, I'm

I'm in advertising here in the city.

Oh, my God.

-Yeah, I was a communications major. -He's a communicator.

Yeah. And I'm an uncle now.

-You're an uncle now? -Yeah.

He's an uncle!

-Oh. -Yeah.

We have a baby. Show me. Show me.

-This is Brinley. -Ah.

He looks just like us.

[Paul] That was fun, eh?

-Very fun. -Uh-huh.

What a perfect romantic night.

-[grunts] -[yawns] Yeah.

-I wonder what time it is. -Yeah.

-Oh, my God. -Wow.

-It's early. -So early.

-Night is young. [chuckles] -Huh.

[chuckles] Whole night's ahead of us.

Yeah.

What did you say?

-Sorry? -What did you just say?

I was Just Deep breath.

-[♪♪ club music plays] -Two tequila shots, please.

[bartender] You wanna start a tab?

Oh, no. Uh, I know Tiffany Kindler.

-Who? -Uh, Tiffany Kindler.

-Who? -Uh, Tiffany Kindler. She's friends with Aubrey Moss.

She's friends with Aubrey Moss.

Yeah, so, my friend Doug Reilly is actually cousins with Jordan Miller.

Oh.

Look, if it's a problem, I can call John-Paul Mark. It's not a big deal.

It's his daughter's birthday, but he'll answer for me.

-No, no, that's fine. It's on the house. -Thanks.

John-Paul Mark?

[laughs] Two first names is pushing it, but three?

That's playing with fire.

Sorry, man, I don't know what you're talking about.

The method?

John-Paul Mark and I grew up together.

We lived on a cul-de-sac in Wooster, Ohio.

-You're from Wooster, Ohio? -Mm-hmm.

-What's your high school? -Southeast.

-Southeast? -Go Falcons.

-Falcons. -Three-season athlete.

-What sports? -Fencing, soccer, and swimming.

-Weird combo. -I mean, it got me into Bucknell.

-Bucknell? -Go Bison.

Any more questions, officer?

Go Falcons. Sorry, I thought it was

Sorry. [chuckles] Sorry. [clears throat]

Never let 'em see you sweat, cutie.

[chuckles]

[♪♪ club music continues]

Is she watching?

No, she's just dancing. They literally could not care less.

What? Then how is she supposed to know that I'm winning?

Billie, you can't win at club. Let's just have fun.

Wait, Anton. Tilt-A-Whirl.

-No, I'm not doing that. No. -Yes. Come on, please. Tilt-A-Whirl.

You and Issa do it all the time. It's such a hit.

Billie, please, no. Not right now. Not right now.

No, come on.

Okay, okay.

-Fine, right now. Right now. -Okay. Okay.

-Oops. Sorry. Squeezing through. -[Anton] Excuse me. Sorry.

-[Anton] Hey! Circle up! Make a circle. -[Billie] Circle up, everyone.

-[Billie] Clear some space. -[Anton] Yep. Like that.

Okay, ready? Ready? Whoa.

-I trust you. -Okay.

[crowd cheering, exclaiming]

Oh, God. Oh, fuck!

God. Oh, my God. She's dead. She's dead.

-Ow. Oh, no. Ow. -[Anton] I am so sorry.

Okay. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. [chuckling] Okay.

I'm good.

Okay. [chuckles]

What went wrong?

You're longer than Issa, so I'm just not used to your proportions.

Maybe people thought it was on purpose.

Yeah, maybe one or two people in the back.

-[crickets chirping] -[clicks tongue]

Do you think, uh, some, uh

[stammers]

-[doorbell rings] -[both cheer]

-Dessert's here, dessert's here. -Fuck yeah!

-Let's go get dessert. -Dessert time.

Hi.

Ah. Thank you, sir.

-Ice cream. -Have a nice night.

-[chuckles] Thank you. -Thanks, you too.

Wait, wait.

You have an amazing energy.

[gasps] I feel it. You should come in. Do you wanna come inside?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. -Not really. -No, you should.

-Not really. -No, you should.

We just made a whole lot of salmon. You like salmon?

You wanna come in, man? Are you a fish guy?

You're gonna love it in here. Wait, what's your name?

-Viktor. -[Issa] Viktor.

-[Paul whispering] Viktor. -[Issa] I love that accent.

-Where are you from? -Poland.

[Issa, Paul] Poland.

[Samir] Okay, okay, let me get thiSo, you you passed down the ID to him?

-Then you passed it on to him? -And then I did it to him.

-This is insane. This is crazy. -Yeah. [laughs]

-Wow, wow, wow. -[laughing]

It's a whole legion of Samirs.

-[friend chuckles] -[Alex] I know.

Hey, question, um-um, do you use any products on your hair

-like-like a mousse? -Ah.

No mousse. Mousse Mousse doesn't agree with our texture.

-[Alex] No mousse. -Okay, thank you.

-Uh, I actually use a curling gel. -[all] Oh.

-Yeah, no mousse. -[glass shatters]

Sorry, not my fault.

Not my fault.

Ah, shit, um Hey, I gotta

-Gotta take care of something real quick. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-But, guys, real quick tip. -[Alex] Mmm?

-There's actually hooks under here. -What?

Yep, you just go ahead and put your coats on those.

-[friend cheers] -Get the fuck out of here.

-Yo. Dude. -Are you serious right now?

And I know Naomi Isabella from college,

and Naomi Isabella freelanced for, um

For Gary Von Patio.

Hi.

Hi.

-Right, yes. -Yeah.

And, um, Gary Von Patio started dating

Georgia Tralala.

Yeah, that was before she opened Bowery Playhouse,

which sadly has gotten less experimental over the years.

-But you got to keep the lights on. -Yeah.

And that's how we know

[both] Steve Winslow, who owns the club.

-Thank you. [chuckles] Thanks. -[hostess] Mm-hmm.

-Gary Von Patio? -Bowery Playhouse?

[chuckles] I just reached for it and there it was.

-It came to me. -Your mind.

[♪♪ club music playing]

You're so lucky you like your fake ID family,

and they don't make you feel lame as shit.

No, they actually They made me feel, like, wise and mature.

Pfft.

When did we get mature?

You know, I I mean, I feel like we just started having fun.

What now, is it over already?

I don't know.

I think it's kind of nice.

Like, we're not the dumbest people anymore.

[scoffs]

Like, there's kids that know less than us.

Do you wanna know why I got Look at me.

Do you wanna know why I got my fake ID when I was 16?

To drink and black out?

To join a WeWork.

[laughs] What?

[crying] And then I got scared, and I didn't even go.

-Oh, Billie. [chuckling] No, no, that's -[cries] I mean

[chuckles]

-I'm unemployed. I'm not cool. -No.

And what if If If I'm not young anymore [crying] then what am I even?

Billie, you don't

Okay, well, you don't want to be that young anymore.

No, you don't wanna be 20 years old.

Twenty-year-olds, they're all like shallow and weird,

and they only care about sex.

and they only care about sex. Like, you're not like that.

Like, you're not like that.

Like, I bet I bet Sophie-Rose is just here to hook up with some guy

that she's never gonna think about ever again.

And she's getting what, to look cool for one night?

And she's getting what, to look cool for one night? Like, we're not those people.

Like, we're not those people.

Like, we make memories that, like, last a long time.

Billie, Billie.

-Which one of you is the oldest? -Me.

Great.

-Follow me. -Ooh, where we going?

Billie, no, no, that one has therapy in the morning.

Goddamn it.

Oh. [chuckling] Oh, my God, you're so funny.

Ah. [chuckles] I didn't say anything.

[gasps]

[chuckling] Okay, what are we doing here? You're you, I'm me.

What?

You're Billie.

Uh, I'm just a Samir who hasn't even found his Carly yet.

-What? No, no, no, no, no. -I don't think that I'm right for you--

No. I'm not actually trying to have sex with you, okay?

I just want that girl to think that I'm having sex with you

-All right. -because I'm fun and good at club.

-Okay. Okay. -Okay?

So, can you help me out?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[moaning]

[both moaning]

[deeper moaning]

[Billie] Oh, I love having sex in the club.

-[moans] I've never had sex in a club. -Yeah. I have.

Oh, ma Oh, wow.

-Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. -You're so good at this. Oh, my God.

-I'm good at this. -Yeah.

-Yeah, what about me? Am I good at this? -Oh, you're so good at this.

[Billie] Thank you.

[moaning continues]

[moaning ends]

[mouthing words] That should be good.

Oh, my God, did you just have sex in there?

Yep.

Yep. -Wait, in the bathroom? -Yep.

-Wait, in the bathroom? -Yep.

-With a stranger? -Yes, sir.

-Did you use protection? -Nada, chica.

Ew.

[Sophie-Rose] Oh, God.

Okay, like you guys aren't all here to hook up? [chuckles]

Um, no, we are here to hang out with our friends.

Okay, um,

I'm gonna help you, okay?

-I don't-- -Alana?

-[Alana] Yeah. -That woman from before, you remember?

Yeah?

She just got rawdogged in the bathroom

-[stammers] -so I'm gonna take her to get a Plan B.

-[Alana] Not rawdogged. -That's not necessary, Sophie-Rose.

-[Alana] You're an angel, Sophie-Rose. -They're gone!

[Issa] Next one, next one, next one.

Okay, okay. Uh, oh, uh, it's a famous classic movie.

Oh, what is it called? Um, the one where they're chocolate,

and they're candy, and the green one that has legs.

Uh, that's, uh, M&M's commercial.

It's, like, uh, one of my favorite movies. I watched it in film class.

- Citizen Kane? -Yes, Viktor.

- Kane, Kane, Kane, Kane. -[Paul] Yes, dude. Nice.

Oh, uh, okay. I had this as a pet as a kid.

Oh, I had a dog, a bull terrier.

I had a bull terrier. Bull terrier!

I My pet. I had this pet.

-You -Parakeet?

Yes, Viktor. P Yes, Viktor, yeah, what the hell?

-What? [chuckles] Viktor. Viktor. -[Paul] Yes.

Gotcha! [chuckles]

Okay, uh, he's a famous baseball player. He's, uh

Oh, easy, it's my dad's first name and then the month I was born.

Oh, so it's Steve! Steve October!

I know it's Steve October. It's Steve October.

I know it's Steve October. It's Steve October. Give me that. Steve October.

Give me that. Steve October.

Willie Mays?

Yeah, Viktor. [stammers]

Baseball player Willie Mays.

It's a good guess, though.

[Billie] Sophie-Rose, I'm fine.

I just had cool casual sex.

I don't need it, okay?

Actually, maybe we should get you a Gatorade 'cause you seem drunk.

Thank you so much. Just sorry about her. Ignore her.

I'm taking care of her 'cause she's drunk.

No, she's not taking care of me, okay.

Sophie-Rose, I'm not gonna take it.

Oh, is it because it's your last chance to have kids?

[Billie] Give me that.

Let me see your tongue. Let me see your tongue.

Under.

[swallows]

Amazing. Okay, I'm gonna go pay.

And remember, your generation fought for this.

Hi, uh, what happens if you take Plan B on an empty stomach?

-On an empty stomach? You-- -No, no, no, no.

On an empty [whispering] uterus.

[whispering] Does anything bad come out?

[Anton] Do you track Billie or not?

Yeah, it says her location was here seven minutes ago.

Okay, well, where should we go next?

[Anton's friend] Hmm.

[Anton's friend] Hmm. There's this piano bar where the waiters fully abuse you, or

There's this piano bar where the waiters fully abuse you, or

-No, that. Immediately. Let's go. -Right?

[sighs] Okay, you really don't have to pay me back. It's fine.

-[Billie] Yes, I do. -Can you at least just Venmo me then?

-[Billie] No, because my phone died. -[knocks on door]

Oh, no, you're not supposed to do that.

[chuckling] Okay. Says the girl who just had sex with a stranger.

Here you go, dude.

Okay, give me your fucking money right now!

-Oh, my fucking God! -Give me your fucking money!

My name My name is Billie Schaeffer.

-Please don't hurt me, okay? -Oh, my God!

It says she should be right here.

-[clamoring] -Oh!

-Oh, no! -[Anton] Oh, my, God, Billie!

-Billie! -Oh, my God.

Who the fuck are they? Give me Give me some cash or give me

[stammers] I need a card. I need a credit card.

[stammers] I need a card. I need a credit card. -I don't have a credit card on me. -[Anton's friend] Me either.

-I don't have a credit card on me. -[Anton's friend] Me either.

[both] I never pay for drinks.

-Stop, stop, stop, stop. -Open it! Open it!

I'm trying, Billie. I'm tapping my Apple Pay, but it's not working.

-Who the fuck's that? Hurry up. -No, I just No, don't

Okay, ready? Three, two, one, pull.

[shouting] No, it's three, two, one, on the one you pull.

-I'll push. -Three, two, push.

-Are you pushing? Not one. -It's not a push. It's not push.

-[robber] Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. -Calm down. Calm down, okay?

Okay, sir, we are going to get cash out to give you.

-[screams] -[Billie screams] Oh, my God.

-Are you fucking kidding me, Sophie-Rose? -[crying] I'm sorry!

-Oh, no, no, no. -It's bad. We're watching Billie go blind.

[robber] Okay, shut the fuck up. Shut up!

Hey, I know the police chief Bob Zimmer, and he's gonna give you the fucking chair.

Just shut up. Shut up. Get back.

Okay, everybody, just take a fucking breath!

-[Sophie-Rose crying] -[shouts] Okay?

Okay.

I'm giving you my bag. It's plastic and it's $15.

-Sophie-Rose, give him your bag. -[crying] No.

-Give him your bag, Sophie-Rose. -Give the bag.

Sir, that is Miu Miu. It's one step down from Prada. I looked it up earlier.

-[Sophie-Rose crying] -[Billie] Now, just leave the vestibule.

-He's gone, Billie. He's gone. -Oh, my God. Thanks.

-He's gone. -Oh, my God.

-[crying] Oh, fucking shit. What the fuck? -Are you okay? [panting]

-I'm hailing a cab. -Oh, my God, I want to go home.

Yeah, I know, Sophie-Rose. We're going to take you home.

[crying] No, I mean home to Michigan.

Like, everything is so stressful. It's scary.

The laundry in my building, it's never worked.

I have so much dirty clothes.

-Laundry's tough. -[crying] Everything is just so hard here,

and I don't feel anything like Carrie Bradshaw.

Okay, where are you?

Like, anything like her.

Okay, come here, come here, come here. Okay.

-I think I'm having a panic attack. -No, you're okay.

-I think that's what this is. -You're okay. You're okay.

-[breathes deeply] -How did you even know how to handle that?

It comes with age, I guess.

-[chuckles] -Ow.

[stammers] We were just mugged. That was that was crazy.

[stammers] He had a gun. He had a gun.

That was crazy. [stammers] Has that happened to you? [stammers]

Sorry, um

I'm married. [stammers]

To who?

Um Uh, his name is Paul Baker.

Well, that's the fakest name I've heard all night.

-[door opens] -[Issa] Hi, hi, hi, hi!

They're here. We found you guys. We tracked you.

We tracked you.

-[Paul] Hi, friends. Hi. Hi, hi, hi. -Hi.

-Paul Baker. Nice to meet you. -Oh, this is

-[Paul stammers] Where we going? -The cab.

-[Paul] Where we going? -I'm going to get in this cab.

[Paul] No! Guys, the night just started.

Um, it was so nice to meet you.

-No, no, no, no. To the next bar. -I am so sorry.

-[Paul] Anton, please. -[Issa] Come on. Come on.

-So lame. Come on. -Guys, the night is the night is young.

[both sigh]

[chuckles]

-Ah. -[chuckles] Hey, what the hell?

-Ah. -[chuckles] Hey, what the hell? -Hey. What's up? -Who are you

-Hey. What's up? -Who are you

and why is this such an awesome little jacket?

Yeah. You look great. Yeah.

-Okay, where we going? -[Issa] We're gonna go

Uh, we're going out for the best night ever. [chuckles]

[♪♪ "Baddest" playing]

♪♪ I'm the baddest bitch In this club ♪♪

♪♪ Who's the baddest bitch In this club? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm the baddest bitch In this club ♪♪

♪♪ When the saints Go marching in ♪♪

♪♪ Go marching in ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Lord, I want to be In that number ♪♪

♪♪ When the saints Go marching in ♪♪

♪♪ Go marching in ♪♪

[♪♪ "Baddest" continues playing]

♪♪ Let's go, let's get it Let's go ♪♪

♪♪ Hands up Hands up ♪♪

♪♪ Hands up Hands up ♪♪

♪♪ Hands up Hands up ♪♪ ♪♪ Okay Let's go ♪♪

♪♪ Okay Let's go ♪♪

♪♪ I'm the baddest bitch In this club ♪♪

♪♪ Who's the baddest bitch In this club? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm the baddest bitch In this club ♪♪

♪♪ Who's the baddest bitch In this club? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm the baddest bitch In this club ♪♪

♪♪ Hey, what Hey, what ♪♪

♪♪ Hey, what Hey, what ♪♪

♪♪ Shake that thing Shake that thing ♪♪

♪♪ Shake that thing Yo, yo ♪♪

♪♪ Go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go ♪♪

♪♪ Go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go ♪♪

♪♪ Go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go ♪♪

♪♪ I'm the baddest bitch In this club ♪♪