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* Well maybe we won't be forgiven *

* For all the things we've said and done *

* But don't you ever give up or give in *

* 'Cause you know the show must go on *

* And don't believe them if they tell you *

* Where you're from is where you belong *

* Just get up off your knees and say *

"Fuck you, I'm on my way"

* The show must go on *

(woman) Emerson, are you there?

(phone line ringing) Pick up!

(recorded operator's voice) The party you are calling

is not receiving calls at this time.

Son of a bitch.

(dialing)

(phone line ringing)

(man) Hi, it's Emerson. Please leave a short message.

(beep) Emerson, hi.

It's Didi, sweetheart.

Um, you were supposed to meet me here

about half an hour ago at Frankie and Johnny's.

So just give me a call

and let me know when you're gonna to be here, okay?

Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am?

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

(cell phone ringtone playing)

(man) Hello, this is Harris Chappell.

(man, on phone) Hey, Chappell!

Wolfie.

(knocking) Here we go, here we go!

You've done it, Harris!

And you're going to make the big announcement tonight?

Yes.

I'm just pulling up to the restaurant now.

And you've got the financing, right?

Yeah, I'm meeting Didi and the money guy, Monte Sobel.

He's financing the whole play.

How's "The Moon's a Balloon."

It's was just okay.

You know I loathe the great American musical.

You hate 'em! (chuckles)

Back on Broadway, baby!

Well, thank you.

It's lovely being back in New York.

Maybe after this meeting, I'll be able to afford it.

All right.

Here you go.

Um, keep the change, I guess.

Oh, great-- thanks, man.

I forgot how gorgeous you are.

You are gorgeous when you're grabbing the hook.

I haven't seen you since you cast me in that horrible

Bart Liebowitz nightmare movie.

Sorry, I'll never forgive myself,

especially since the stupid studio put it into turnaround.

Oh, no.

It was that Bart Liebowitz, producer from Hell.

But you know what, darling?

It doesn't matter-- we're still standing.

We are.

This play is-- it's a masterpiece.

Oh, this play is going to put you back on top.

You will soon be king, Prince Hal.

Oh, yes.

I know you all,

and will something something abide

the something of your idleness.

The idleness.

Where's Monte?

Um...

Monte's not coming, honey.

What? Yeah.

He found me in bed

with another man and, uh,

he's not going to be back in the play.

I'm going to strangle you right here--

No, no, no, I have you covered, darling.

What do you mean you have me covered?

Emerson Todd, more money than God.

It had better be, because I'm in a terrible position.

He is going to make Monte...

He's a much better angel than Monte would ever be.

Let's go inside, I'm freezing.

Come on. Excuse me...

No, no, I don't have any change.

Oh, poor thing looks hungry.

Well, it's New York.

We're all hungry.

(music playing)

(woman) Can I have the sirloin, medium?

(second woman) Really good, really good....

(phone rings)

(man) Hey, yeah.

Look, I'm at Frankie and Johnny's.

There he is.

Ah, Mr. Chappell, my old friend, how are you?

Good to see you-- you look wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Hi there. Ah, Didi.

Good to see you again.

You look beautiful, as always.

Oh, stop. Good to see you again.

These people don't know who you are.

I know, it just makes me feel good pretending they do.

Where's Mike?

Very good.

Who's that?

(woman) My God.

(man) You know him?

Ricardo, I know everybody.

But that, my friend, is Harris Chappell.

(man) His table's not ready.

He didn't make a reservation.

Oh, all right.

Hey, how are you?

Let's get you folks checked.

Is there a problem? No, no, no.

(man) You go to school with these guys, you think you know them,

and look what happens.

Mr. Carver, everything okay?

I gotta go. I'm out of this--

I'm going to have to get out of here.

Hello.

(phone rings)

Um, your pocket's ringing.

Well, someone's pocket better be ringing.

You're about to be a very happy man.

I have to take this.

You okay for time?

My battery's running out.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

May I take your coat?

Emerson, what is the problem?

I need you down here now!

How we doing, Peter?

It'll just be a few minutes.

Look, I know even though you've made your money,

your real dream is to be an actor.

Well, this is your chance!

You've heard of my new drama,

"The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater"?

Who hasn't?

Everybody's talking about it.

(Harris) Yeah, that's the point, keep them talking.

I just wish it was a musical.

I direct real theater.

I don't direct musicals.

Emerson, listen. this play is going to be

the biggest serious drama...

...since Tennessee Williams died.

Or what about Arthur Miller?

Okay, maybe since Arthur Miller.

Well, I hope you'll be here opening night...

...waiting for the rave reviews.

Are you kidding me?

Where else would I be? Where-- At Sardi's?

I don't think so.

(man) I would hope not.

Never.

Well, just like the old days, then, huh?

Just like the old days, Peter.

Yeah.

So get your sweet, beautiful ass down here!

Enjoy your dinner. Thank you.

Come on, Nick, let's get this guy out of here.

Yeah, I mean, you know what I'm talking about.

Mr. Carver, you're going to miss your curtain.

Come back soon.

Sure...okay.

Well, why don't you just meet me here,

and we'll walk over together.

Good.

May I take your coat?

Oh, thank you.

Oh...thank you.

Oh, this is fabulous.

It's over 20 years old.

It's my favorite.

Well, I promise to take good care of it.

Hmm, you're an actress, right?

How could you tell?

It's what I do for a living.

You a good actress?

Yes, I'd like to think so.

Wrong.

You are a fabulous actress.

(laughs) Like your coat?

Just like my coat.

And when I come back here,

we're going to talk about your career.

Look, I know you like it.

I would come over and do that to you,

but I'd rather you meet me here first.

**

Hey, Max.

Max!

Harris Chappell.

Hey.

(piano comes back in)

Where's Mike?

Won the lotto.

Retired to Florida.

Oh.

Lot of new faces here.

When was the last time you were in?

A year ago, maybe two.

I've been working here for about a year.

You like it? I do.

I'm Ricardo.

Harris Chappell. So I hear.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

What can I get for you?

Well, let's see.

Now, you look like an intuitive man,

so when you look at me, what do you see?

A gin martini, extra dry,

two olives... Bombay Sapphire.

Well, that's not bad.

You just add two onions, and you got it.

Oh, a two-onion man.

Yes, I find it adds a certain zest to the martini.

What are you drinking?

Scotch.

Well, you see, that's more a man's drink,

but I have a healthy respect for scotch.

I'm sorry. Why?

Well, because when I'm not drinking gin,

I'm usually drinking scotch.

Ah. Ricardo...

her next drink is on me, but make it a gin martini.

Two onions.

Maybe I'm not the kind of girl who accepts drinks

from just anyone?

Maybe you should. I do.

You don't remember me, do you?

Refresh my memory.

Two years ago, you were here for the Tony awards.

I'm here every year for the Tony awards,

even when I'm not nominated.

That table.

2:00 AM.

(laughs)

Oh, it's all coming back to me.

I thought it might.

My apologies.

Oh...

You got a name? People do.

Yeah, uh... Nikki.

Nikki? My name is Nikki.

Nikki Ross, like the other night.

Oh, pardonne-moi, madam.

You're that Nikki.

You're the writer at the "Post."

I am. (laughter)

Well, word has it that you're ready for a leap

after you got your ass kicked in Hollywood.

That's a bit hostile.

I wouldn't say I got my ass kicked.

I was spanked.

Oh.

Oh, and now, as I recall,

you know quite a bit about spanking.

I guess I wasn't just a blur.

But that was then.

Now word has it that you are directing

the new Malcolm Andrews play.

Word is correct.

So do you see another Tony in your future?

My dear, if "The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater"

doesn't earn me another Tony, I'll give all the others back.

Well, aren't we feeling good about ourselves?

I usually do.

I have another question.

Shoot.

(laughs)

Is it true that Malcolm Andrews died

just a few days after he finished the play?

No. (clears throat)

Truth is, poor Malcolm dotted his last "I,"

crossed his final "T"

ten minutes before shuffling off this mortal coil.

I was there-- I was by his bedside.

I caught the pen as it dropped from his withered,

arthritic hand.

No!

May I quote you?

Does the "Post" actually quote people these days?

What else do you think you know?

I think I know you cast David Thiel in a major role,

but your lead, Jackson Sweetwater,

is the biggest secret in town.

(chuckles)

You have done your homework.

So, why this project?

My "Death of a Salesman."

My "Long Day's Journey into Night."

Arthur Miller.

Tennessee Williams.

Malcolm Andrews.

And you are-- tsk, tsk, tsk.

Nikki, you're asking me why I direct this play?

(phone plays musical ringtone)

Oh, you know, I hate musicals, but I just love Ethel Merman.

Excuse me.

Hello, this is Harris Chappell.

This is Spencer West.

Yes, where are you?

I'm outside.

Why are you outside?

I was waiting for you.

(Harris) Well, I'm waiting for you inside.

Okay, I'm coming in.

So who are you meeting?

Hmm...you know, it's nice to meet you.

We have to do this again.

So...

Who are you meeting?

How old are you?

27. So, when we--

25 when we did it. (laughs)

When we did it...

I like older men.

Spank me, daddy.

(sighs)

(giggles)

Spencer?

Mr. Chappell.

No, no, no, call me Harris.

Come on, let's check this stuff.

All right.

Weren't you cold outside?

(laughs) There you go.

More? Yes, more.

Now, Spencer, this is Sophia.

Sophia Martinelli-- nice to met you.

Sophia, this is... Spencer West.

Spencer West.

And you are both actors.

I'll take that.

Come on, we have important matters to discuss.

We're ready for our table.

Uh, yeah, this way, Mr. Chappell.

Why don't you sit here?

All right.

Alfonso will take very good care of you.

Thank you, Peter. Thank you.

A cocktail before dinner?

Uh, yes, my usual.

Your usual?

Yes. Tell Ricardo it's for Harris Chappell.

And for the young man?

Just water.

No, no, no, no.

You will not have "just water."

Live a little.

Club soda? No, no.

With a lime? No.

Do you drink beer?

I mean, I just turned 21 last week, so...

Well, happy birthday.

Alfonso, a Moretti for this future Broadway star.

Yes, sir.

Do you really think I'm gonna be a Broadway star?

Absolutely, as long as you don't freeze your ass off

waiting outside restaurants.

I'm sorry about that.

Don't worry about it.

Have you done any work before in the theater?

I had an audition to replace someone

in "The Moon's a Balloon."

I saw that this afternoon.

The matinee. It's one of my favorites.

Really? You had an audition?

Yeah.

I didn't get the part, but...

Well, that's their mistake.

Then again, most people in this business

don't know what they're doing.

So that's the Harris Chappell?

I wonder who the kid is.

Who's that good-looking kid with Harris Chappell?

He is cute.

Yeah, sure is.

I noticed him outside when met Harris.

Well, his name is Spencer,

and according to Mr. Chappell,

they have important matters to discuss.

Oh, of course.

Yes, Harris mentioned to me we'd be meeting him.

Well, I'll just freshen up before I join them, then.

Okay. Thanks.

You know, I want to thank you for spending the time

to meet with me, Mr. Chappell.

You're very welcome, it's my pleasure.

But you really should thank your father.

How do you two know each other?

He didn't tell you? No.

Well, when your dad and I were, uh, in college,

we worked summers at, uh,

Camp Waunakee, in New Hampshire.

Is that, like, a theatrical camp?

(laughs) I only wish.

No, it was a sports camp.

Anyway, I was playing third base umpire.

Playing third base umpire?

Yeah, obviously I was out of my element.

And your dad was coaching.

And there was this play at my-- my-- my base.

And apparently I just missed the call.

I was reading a book at the time.

It was "War and Peace."

And what did my dad do?

Your dad came running across the field.

He wanted to kill me

What happened? I ran.

I was really fast in those days, luckily.

And then you two just became friends?

We just became friends at the Whitehorse Inn

over lobsters and beer.

Sweet.

Yeah, my dad said that you owed him a favor.

That's true.

A favor he's been waiting to collect on

for over 20 years, but he just won't take my money.

Why not?

He said he would rather me owe him a favor.

He would collect on it sooner or later.

Thank you.

So I guess that's why you're meeting with me.

No, no, no.

I liked you on the phone when we talked yesterday.

I wanted to have dinner with you.

And as I said previously, I think you are--

Well, you have... a nice quality.

Perhaps I will direct you someday.

(Harris) Who knows?

Well, that would be sweet.

That'd be really sweet.

Well, so,

is this the young man you told me

you had a meeting with tonight?

Indeed, it is. Well...

Had you known who he was,

you could have held your meeting out on the sidewalk.

Didi Ravenal-- pleasure to meet you.

Spencer West.

Nice to meet you, Miss Ravenal.

Oh, call me Didi.

Any friend of Harris' is a friend of mine.

Yes, not necessarily in that order.

This is much cozier in here

than out there on the street, eh?

Yes, it is.

Well, let's not make it too cozy, my dear.

Did you know that Spencer was offered a full scholarship

at Cornell for math and science, and he turned it down?

Well, now I am impressed.

Why did you turn that down?

Um, I-- actually, I kind of caught the acting bug

my junior year of high school.

I got the lead in "Guys and Dolls."

Oh, another musical.

(Spencer laughs)

(Harris) Nathan Detroit will get you every time.

I have to tell you, I saw your commercial on the internet.

Really? What did you think?

I thought you were very, very good in it.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, thanks.

So, what else have you been doing?

Just auditioning.

I think Spencer's probably wonderful at auditioning.

Cattle calls, right?

Yeah. Yes, sir.

There's lots of young bulls at cattle calls.

Uh, from what I've been told.

You know, he's trying to get an agent, not a stud fee.

Alfonso!

Was that too loud?

You'll have to forgive my friend here.

She's a... a little man-happy.

(Spencer) Man-happy?

Mm-hmm, she got more oats in her than a Quaker.

Oh, that's interesting.

(man) Good evening, Miss Diamond.

Your guests are seated. Roman.

Do you know who Nancy Diamond is?

Yeah, she owns Diamond Artists.

Yes, and, uh...

Do you think that's a good agency?

I'd say that's a great agency.

Well, I wouldn't say much right now

because she walking over here.

Hello.

Well, hi. Nancy, it's great to see you.

Nice to see you again. Thank you.

Hi, Didi, how are you?

Fine, Nancy, thanks.

How's the new play coming?

Oh, it's great.

We're about to make our big announcement.

I was very disappointed when you turned down Jack

for the leading role.

Sorry, Jack's a great actor,

but he's not right for this role.

I would think I represent somebody who's,

as you put it, "right" for the role.

Who are you?

Forgive me, this is Spencer West.

Oh.

It's nice to meet you, Miss Diamond.

Yes, and who represents you, young man?

He's actually seeking representation.

You know, Harris, if the new play wins a Tony,

you could go back to Hollywood.

I'm working on something for you.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Hollywood was not good to me.

That's because you weren't in control.

Bart Liebowitz was in charge, you took the fall.

Everybody knows that. Yeah.

Next time will be different.

Well, I appreciate your support.

Should we get together?

Would you like to have lunch?

I would love to.

End of the week?

End of the week, Roman? Yes, Miss Diamond.

Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you.

Great to see you, darling.

Nice to see you. Nice to see you again, Didi.

You too.

And nice to meet you, uh, Steven.

Enjoy your meal.

(Nancy) William, hello.

Well, Steven, that is Nancy Diamond.

I don't care if she said Steven, that was Nancy Diamond!

She's lassoed her share of young bulls at cattle calls.

Didi. What?

I'm simply trying to educate Spencer

as to what goes on in this business.

I'll do that, thank you very much.

Yeah, she's a great agent, but you're going to have to

put together a little résumé

if you want someone like that to sign you.

I think just meeting her was sweet.

Ah, you use this term,

and I have no idea what you're saying.

What is-- Sweet?

Oh, I'm sorry, it's like saying "great," but better.

Mm. So, Spencer,

besides auditioning, what else have you done recently?

About a month ago, I did a workshop

for a musical called "Angels in Hell."

Angels in... In Hell.

Aha, that sounds promising.

Then last week I did a student film about the Civil War.

(Harris) Civil War is good.

We shot in south Jersey.

I hope that wasn't a musical.

No.

No, I actually, I played the grandfather

of a man who's out looking for his daughter,

who is masquerading as a boy

so she can join the Confederate Army.

Hmm.

Kind of a "Boys Don't Cry" period piece.

Yeah, I never thought about it like that.

Now, listen, Spencer.

Listen to me, now.

When you talk about your credits,

you have to make them sound a little bigger than they are.

In other words, my handsome friend, lie.

Lie?

No, I don't agree-- not lie, no.

But it wouldn't hurt you to exaggerate a little bit.

What do you mean?

Well, Spencer...

do you know what makes great theater?

Yeah.

I'll tell you.

It's simple.

You see, a play or movie is just like life,

except we just take all the boring parts out.

It's taking a good story and making a great story,

making it larger than life.

Exaggerating.

Just exaggerating?

Just exaggerating.

Because that's all this show business really is.

Its just exaggeration.

I have a lot to teach you.

I would appreciate any help that you could give me.

You have it. Oh--

Any decisions yet?

You'll have to give us five minutes, Alfonso.

But in the interim, Miss Ravenal is desperate for a drink.

Desperate, yes.

I would love a Grey Goose martini

straight up with some olives.

And I would like it stirred, not shaken.

We wouldn't want to bruise the ice.

And make it dirty.

No, we mustn't.

**

Good evening, Mr. Thiel.

That's David Thiel, a really good actor.

Harris, I need to talk to you.

Oh, darling, how are you?

What are you doing here, David?

We're supposed to meet at the theater?

Well, something's come up. Can it wait?

No. Oh, sorry.

This is Spencer West, this is David Thiel.

Yeah, I know who Mr. Thiel is.

You are a wonderful actor.

Oh, oh, well, thanks.

Who are you again?

Spencer West. He's also an actor.

Who isn't in New York?

Oh, have I seen you in anything recently?

I did something on the web.

What, the new series? No, the internet.

Fellas, we're not here to trade credits.

Harris, I need you.

I really need to talk to you for just a second.

Spencer, don't you need to use the facilities?

The men's room.

Oh, yeah, the men's room.

That sounds like a good idea.

I'll order for you. What do you want?

I'm just going to get a burger, medium.

No, you can't order a burger.

Up-and-coming Broadway stars don't eat burgers.

He's an up-and-coming Broadway star?

Well, it's--

Oh, wow. All right!

Larry Lind is coming over here.

Are you serious? He's on his way now!

He'll queer the whole deal, you'll pardon the expression.

Her boyfriend...

Emerson. Emerson Todd.

Emerson Todd is joining us.

He's putting up the money to finance the play.

I thought you said it was Monte something or other.

No, no, no, no.

It was Monte something or other.

If Larry Lind walks in here, it'll ruin everything.

I've been trying to keep his identity a secret

until we make the big announcement.

Well, darling, Larry is on his way over here right now

to bitch about the script.

What's wrong with the script?

I think it's magnificent, but you know Larry Lind.

Do you see that woman at the bar?

With the extremely large breasts?

There's only one woman at the bar.

I was just identifying her, Jesus.

She's with the "Post."

She's sniffing around for a story.

If Larry Lind walked in here... Don't worry.

He's coming in a disguise.

Oh, my God.

Are we ready to order?

Uh, thank you-- what, uh... Oh, no, no.

I just want another Grey Goose martini.

I'm not eating anything.

All right, then Spencer and I will have two Caesar salads,

extra anchovies for on mine, and two rib eye steaks.

A nice Cabernet for the dinner, and bring a martini now.

Will Mr. Thiel be joining us for dinner?

Yeah, I'll have-

No, he's got somebody he's got to meet in the bar.

You go in there, and you keep her busy.

Well, it looks like she just went to the restroom.

Then wait for her until she comes out.

I can see it from here.

Oh, please, someone help me.

Oh!

Whoa!

Excuse me, this is the--

This is the men's room.

Well, I can see that.

Uh, yeah, excuse me, I...

I came in here because I wanted to meet you.

And so you picked the men's room to break the ice?

Well, I couldn't just come over to the table.

Why not?

I'm a little shy. You're shy?

Hi, I'm Nikki.

Spencer. I'm just--

Wait a minute, you're an actor, aren't you?

How did you know?

You look like one.

Have I seen you in anything?

(laughter outside)

Yeah, I just finished my first film.

That must have been great.

It's kind of a "Boys Don't Cry" set in the Civil War.

Sounds very interesting.

It's a very, you know, provocative piece.

So, um, Spencer...

what brings you out here tonight?

Oh, I'm having dinner with Harris Chappell, the director.

Harris Chappell?

Really? Mm-hmm.

Are you going to be in something that he's directing?

I can't talk about that.

Oh, well...

Am I interrupting something?

Not yet.

No, no, we were just talking.

I see.

Spencer, why don't you meet me in the bar

after you finish dinner?

I mean, that is, unless you other plans.

No, I don't have any plans.

Yay.

Okay, see you later.

Bye .

All right.

I think she likes me.

You do? You don't?

**

(Didi) What are you complaining about?

It doesn't matter what he's complaining about.

He needs to be heard.

(Harris) That's what I don't understand.

You're the center.

You're the center.

Everything depends on you, all right?

So just treat him with respect, okay?

I think you need to call him and tell him not to come.

I'm not gonna-- he's on his way right now.

Thanks, Alfonso. I don't think she went to the ladies' room.

I think she left out the back door.

(man) Harris.

Oh, my God, Bart Liebowitz.

I had to come over and say hello.

It's nice to see you.

(chuckles) Harris.

David, nice to see you again.

Bart, hi.

Hi. Didi, you look great.

Thank you-- thanks, Bart.

Everybody, this is Candy.

Hello, Candy. Hi.

Delicious. Edible.

Yeah, she's edible.

She's not the only one.

I don't believe I know this young man.

Oh, um... This is Bart Liebowitz.

Spencer West.

Another one of your discoveries, Harris?

You're going to be seeing him around.

I guarantee that.

Mr. Liebowitz, I have to say, your action sequences

in "Subway to Death," they were amazing.

Thank you.

Amazing is my trademark.

Enjoy your dinner.

Yeah, thank you.

Nice to meet you, Candy.

(Spencer) Bart Liebowitz. Yep.

Bart Liebowitz. The producer?

You worked with Bart, didn't you?

Twice. Yeah.

All of Harris' problems in L.A.

are because of that little turd, okay?

Didi. What? I don't like him.

I said it. Really?

We just didn't see eye to eye-- Just leave it at that.

See eye to eye, as if that could ever happen!

Harris, that matter that we spoke about...

Not nice.

It's not his fault. Should we do something?

He's not very tall. That matter that we spoke about?

What matter? The-- coming in the...

Oh, the matter!

You head off that problem in the bar.

Yeah, the large--

I will, uh, deal with the other matter.

Okay, I'll be in the bar.

Should I, um? Oh, yes.

Why don't you go to the bar with David?

Take your salad with you.

Come with me. I need some company.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Bye.

All right...

when did this business with Monte start?

(sighs)

So, you're an actor.

Yes, sir, Mr. Thiel.

It's David.

Okay, David.

Yeah, I dream about being onstage

with other great actors like you.

Well, it's good to have a dream.

It'll all happen in time.

You just have to, uh, just be prepared to pay your dues.

And struggle, like I did.

My God, it was eight years before I landed

my first major role.

Listen, I've got a--

Oh, sorry. That's okay.

I got a big tip for you.

Might very well be a nice push to your career.

Thanks.

If you're free later, why don't you stop by my place,

and I can give you that pointer.

Oh, I've actually got plans later.

Harris obviously thinks very highly of you.

Yeah, it would be unbelievable to act with you in something

directed by Harris Chappell.

Yeah?

Would you like a drink, Mr. Thiel?

Oh, yeah.

I'll have a Grey Goose on the rocks.

Put it on Mr. Chappell's bill and give yourself a lavish tip,

won't you, Ricardo?

Thank you. I'll just take a club soda.

Club soda?

Ok, make it a Moretti.

Oh, and, Ricardo, ask the young lady over there

to come join us, won't you?

I will.

So how do you know Harris?

Well, I actually just met him tonight for the first time.

(Harris) All right, let me get this straight.

I'm screwed because you screwed this Emerson kid,

and Monte caught you?

Monte was supposed to be away on business for a month.

How was I supposed to know he would miss me so much

that he came back two days early?

(harsh whisper) I was depending on you.

Emerson is the answer to all of your problems.

He makes Monte look like a piker.

A piker? Really?

Would I leave you hanging?

All right, I'll bite.

How much?

75 million.

Sweet...Jesus!

How did he make it?

The internet.

The internet!

I swear, the minute he meets you,

he is going to be throwing money at you.

All you have to do is offer to let him read

for a tiny part in the play.

I found out that before he made

all that gorgeous money on the internet,

he was in acting class.

I love this kid, I love the internet,

I love his entrepreneurial spirit.

Okay, he's going to meet us here at 7:00 for dessert.

Oh, oh, great.

Is he bringing a check?

Well, that could take a day or two.

Well, I can wait.

I love you, Didi Ravenal hyphen Todd.

Yeah, not enough to marry me.

(chuckles) Who said I'm marrying Emerson?

75 million?

Not to sound like a bad line from a Bart Liebowitz movie,

but if you don't, I will.

I should have married you.

Yes, you should have.

Want to get married now?

Harris!

We can wait until after the kid's check clears.

I am not going to marry you.

Come on. Why not?

Because it's too late.

You blew it.

**

You'll always be the love of my life.

I know.

(tires screeching, car horns honking)

Hello, Mr. Lind.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Oh.

Larry Lind is walking this way.

He's in disguise-- act natural.

Um...

Hey, Larry.

What a pleasant surprise.

We need to talk.

And hello to you.

Oh, Didi.

I didn't realize that you two were a couple again.

No, no, we're not.

Ah, I'm glad to know that you haven't made

the same mistake three times.

I don't think I like your sarcasm.

Well, I don't like your bloody script.

Oh...

Do we have to talk about this now?

Yes.

Can't it wait till tomorrow?

We're having dinner.

We have an opening in less than an hour.

An opening? For what?

"Plastic, Please: The Musical."

What in bloody hell is "Plastic, Please: The Musical?"

It's a musical about the environment.

It's a satire.

A friend of mine is directing it.

We have to go. Oh, surely you jest!

I mean, you loathe musicals.

You always have.

So David Thiel says he wants to talk to me?

That's right.

Hmm.

Easy.

It is supposed to be very good.

Yes, and people are very concerned about the environment.

Mm-hmm. Global warming, fossil fuels.

Cows farting. Cows farting?

Cow farting-- huge problem.

I don't give a damn about cows farting or the environment.

A lot of people do, Larry, a lot of people do.

How's everybody doing here, huh?

Surely you're not going to this ridiculous musical?

I gave him your ticket, I'm sorry.

I'm here to talk to talk about our play.

All right, I'm going to go into the bar and join Spencer.

(Didi) Harris? Yes?

Please remember that Emerson will be here at 7:00.

Oh, I will, thank you.

Oh, yes.

Could you take my salad, because I've lost my appetite.

Thank you.

Who's Emerson?

Emerson is putting up the money

to produce the play.

Whatever happened to Monte what's his name?

Monte Sobel? He's dead.

Dead?

He's dead.

Dead? He's dead.

Dead?

He's dead.

Thank you. Dead.

Spencer, may I join you?

Please, yeah.

Feel like I'm at a buffet.

I know what you mean.

Do you need a drink?

What do you think?

I'm Nikki Ross.

Spencer.

Oh, you two know each other?

Yeah, we met earlier, actually, in the men's room.

Really?

Yeah, she followed me in.

Are you out of your mind?

Malcolm Andrews is dead,

so he can't make changes in the script.

I've already spoken to Matthew Wolfe,

who told me that he has the authority

to make limited changes.

Matthew Wolfe is an attorney, he's not a playwright.

Exactly, which is why he's going to let me

make the rewrites where necessary.

Let you... Let us.

For how much?

Oh, for a few points on the deal.

By the way, I'll need a few things added to my contract

before I sign.

This is the name of my personal trainer,

and this is my nap schedule

so that you can build your rehearsals around it.

Oh, and here are my menus for lunch and dinner

for the first two weeks.

Nothing for breakfast?

Oh, double burger, Martell,

gray or black tea will be fine,

with either a scone or a Cinnabon.

Cinnabon? Warmed.

Warmed? But not hot.

Not...hot.

Anything else?

One last item.

I insist on final script approval.

(silence)

Excuse me.

He didn't like that.

He didn't like it.

I think it's just fine.

It's just fine, Larry. Just...

(car horns)

Wolfie, this is Harris Chappell.

Hey, great to hear your voice.

What the hell is going on with you and Larry Lind?

What do you mean?

What do I mean? What do I mean?

Wolfie, you give him script approval?

(door creaking, footsteps) Hey, Ma!

Ma, a little privacy, huh?

Close the door, why can't you?

He said you agreed to it.

Wolfie, how long have you and I known each other?

Since camp, since I was ten.

Uh-huh. When did you get stupid?

So, Miss Ross, what is it you do for a living?

I'm a writer for the "Post."

Oh, of course.

I knew your name sounded familiar.

You read my column? Oh, no.

I have birds.

I didn't know you were a reporter.

Something you neglected to tell Spencer?

No, no, it's not a secret...

like some other things around here.

All right, so we understand each other.

Absolutely, Larry gets no script approval whatsoever.

Correct.

And you have the right to make changes to the script

as you see fit.

And I get three points in the deal.

You get two points.

I'm typing as we speak.

I'll have that paperwork to you on Monday morning, my friend.

No, no, no. I don't want it Monday morning.

I need it now.

Get it to the restaurant in 30 minutes.

But, Harris...

Just put it in the form of a deal memo.

We'll change it next week.

Ma, I'm going out.

Oh, God.

He's coming around.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

Here he comes.

This is turning into a story conference.

Who were you talking to?

I was just trying to manage you a ticket

for tonight's performance.

Perhaps you'll reconsider.

Are you insane?

What has Hollywood done to you?

Nothing that "The Life and Loves of Jackson Sweetwater" won't--

"Life and Times," not "The Life and Loves."

That title needs work.

Work? What else needs work?

Well, there are elemental character changes required.

Required?

You should hear him out.

Of course... Well, as I see it, David is playing the role

of the autobiographer,

which ,of course, is a great a role

and could earn him a Tony.

I couldn't agree more.

What I'm having a problem with is that

all the men that cross my path

as I tell the story of the life of Jackson Sweetwater

seem, how shall I put it, similar.

Similar? The same.

I know what similar means.

What I'm suggesting is that

should not some of those men be gay?

Gay? Yes, gay.

Flaming?

No, not flaming.

Not flaming? No.

Low-key, dignified.

(Harris) Low-key, dignified.

Let me ask you a question.

How many low-key, dignified, gay coal miners were there

in Pittsburg in 1920?

Oh, I'll bet Pittsburg was a hotbed for repressed gay sex. Do you think?

Well, "Brokeback Mountain."

Mm.

I saw it three times. Really?

I do think that this modest alteration to the script will

make my character that much more compelling,

which is what this play needs.

More compelling.

Yes, I'm totally committed to this, and so is David.

I think that Larry has really got something here.

All right, all right.

So we have eight male speaking parts, all right?

Now, would one low-key, dignified, gay coal miner

satisfy you two?

Offhand, I'd say at least two.

Oh, so you want two? Or three.

Oh, you want three?

Now, you reali--

(laughs)

This is Malcolm Andrews we are talking about.

This is a multiple Pulitzer Prize-winning author.

This is a guy shortlisted for the Nobel.

Oh, he was old!

Out of his mind when he died.

Understand this, Harris.

Without those changes, you do not have Lawrence Lind

in this production.

Larry...

And without Lawrence Lind, you have no production.

I shall expect to hear from you tomorrow morning.

Jesus, Harris, you know we need him.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

Didi, Harris wants you back at the table.

He just needs to talk to her alone for a few minutes.

Oh, that means I get a few minutes alone Spencer.

Oh, you lucky girl, you.

I need a drink.

Ricardo, Goose me, please.

What? What?

Oh, we have a problem.

Larry?

Larry!

He's being a royal pain in the ass.

But he sells tickets, and that's what it's all about.

Asshole.

(whispering) Motherfucker.

(whispering) Cocksucker.

Got us over a barrel.

Prima donna, self-important, fuckhead

motherfucker, A.A.R.P. geriatric piece of--

(woman) Hi, Didi!

Hi.

(Nikki) Come on, David,

who was that with you at Chappell's table?

What are you drinking, scotch?

Spencer, do you know who that was?

Come on, why are you pumping the kid?

Excuse me.

You deserved that.

Come on, I need this story.

Hey, how's everything going?

Everything's fine.

How long have you been working here?

Since my junior year in high school.

I needed to make my own money for acting classes.

Your parents won't help you out?

No.

They want me to be a teacher.

Oh.

I guess that's what you're studying in school?

Yeah-- no.

I'm taking liberal arts, but my parents are pretty focused

on what they want me to do with my life.

Not acting, I guess.

No.

Have you done anything?

Yeah, a few workshops.

I played the Duchess of Gloucester

in "Henry VI: Part Two,"

even though she's not in it very long.

Eleanor? Yeah!

She's got that scene at the end where she's walking barefoot

with the sheet on, right before she's banished.

Right? Yeah, yeah.

It's a very, very powerful scene.

I also had a small part in that Beckett play at The Public,

and I did summer stock last year.

You taking classes with anyone?

Yeah, Mark McQueen.

He's supposed to be really good, right?

Yeah, and expensive.

Maybe someday we'll do a workshop together.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Sir, I'm about to serve your main course.

Oh, yeah, I'll be right there.

I think I have to go.

What are you doing later tonight?

Oh, um...

(Spencer) I think that I have plans.

Maybe another time.

Yeah, that'd be sweet.

Sweet.

All right.

Who's the lead in Harris' play?

Can't say.

Oh, come on.

Help a girl out.

We're both in the same business.

What am I going to do.

Mr. Chappell, Peter suggests this--

Yes, that's fine, thank you.

I don't know what he wants from you.

No, no, no, let's-- let's go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's good, Nicholas.

What an asshole.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's a nice wine.

Are you a wine fan?

I am now.

Cheers. Salute, everybody.

Cheers.

Cheers. Thank you.

Oh, hey.

Sorry I'm a little late.

You're not late, is he, Harris?

No, no, we haven't even ordered dessert yet.

I'm Emerson Todd.

I'm Harris Chappell.

It's really wonderful to meet you finally.

She talks about you day and night.

It is an honor to meet someone

of your stature in the theater.

You're very, very kind.

Would you mind checking his coat?

Emerson Todd. Spencer West.

It's nice to meet you, Spencer.

Have a seat here.

I am so curious as to your success

at such a young age, if you don't mind telling me.

Not at all.

Well, I had a germ of an idea

I thought might work on the internet,

after seeing Match.com and eHarmony

grow into billion-dollar companies.

So I did some research.

Came up with a way to take the best elements of those sites

and utilize them in a site with a unique niche.

Unique is very good.

I told you, he's brilliant, Harris.

All right, well, dazzle me.

Short people.

What?

Short people.

You need to tell him the name of your site.

It's called Short.com.

Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?

I've already licensed Randy Newman's song "Short People."

Whose? Randy Newman.

I like him. Randy Newman is good.

Just imagine this, Harris,

because there are so many short people in the world, you know.

See, internet dating is huge.

The way I see it,

short people deserve companionship

as much as anyone else.

Companionship is very important.

Everyone wants to find that special someone.

Everyone does.

There is no one who would disagree with you,

tall or short.

I knew you'd get it.

Now, wait, Emerson's not talking midgets.

No, no, no! Not talking midgets.

No midgets.

Personally, I think midget dating would be tasteless.

Could be considered insensitive, even.

(Didi) But you know, maybe just down the road.

You know, something--

Well, how short do you have to be?

Uh, well...

That's a good question.

I'm still refining the height...

Oh, sure.

...restrictions.

But I'm thinking under five feet for females...

Petite. 5'2" for guys.

(Harris) So if I were to be on the internet, let's say,

and I'm typing along, and I just go--

Because I have a computer.

If I were just to go to Short.com, I would just...

You'd find nothing at the moment.

What do you mean I would find nothing?

Tell him more, sweetheart.

Well, I was purchased by a pretty big company.

Pretty big.

So my new partners have closed the site temporarily

so we could do some work on it.

I see.

But they've already committed over $3 million

just for upgrades alone.

So, if I-- And I don't mean to be rude

in any way when I ask you this--

I'd just assume that you probably

don't have any money yet.

Well... No, see...

(laughter)

It's fine. Uh-uh, no.

The investors... I, uh...

His investors...

They gave me a down payment.

Yeah, an advance.

20%.

Which is...

$15 million.

But anyway--

What? $15 million cash.

(Harris) Champagne!

Something has happen? That's for sure.

Oh, Jesus, what now?

Champagne! Champagne over here!

Champagne.

Atta boy.

Atta boy. Exciting, right?

Are you hungry at all? No.

(Didi) What would you do if you just opened a letter

and it said $15 million?

I would produce "The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater."

(laughter, applause)

So explain to me with the midgets...

No, no, no, it's not--

It's nothing to do with midgets.

You came in a little late in the conversation.

And that's not really the correct term.

No, it's little people.

Sorry for the interruption,

but it looks like you guys are celebrating something.

We are celebrating.

We're celebrating because Harris is going to win the Tony

with this new production, then he's going to come to L.A.,

and he is going to kick everybody's ass

right out of town.

Really? We'll see about that.

But I hope you're having a good time, Candy.

Yeah, well, thank you, Harris.

Call me.

I might be able to cast you in my new film.

It's the second lead, actually.

I think you'd be perfect for the part.

Come on, Bart.

Hey, Harris, let's not go there, huh?

I mean, whatever our differences,

it's mostly a good thing.

You are a casting genius. Oh, yes.

Finding big names before

anybody's even heard of them before.

Brad Pitt. Tom Cruise.

Ok, well, that's very generous of you to say.

He's right, and you know what?

Emerson, I think he could maybe hook you up.

Oh, are you in the entertainment business?

I am. Well, the internet.

and he's got the most unique site.

And I just think you're going to find it fascinating.

Call me.

Okay. Thank you.

Arrivederci.

Arrivederci, Candy.

Ciao.

Well, you're bad. I know.

(Harris) You are wonderfully bad.

I'm just as bad as they come.

All right.

To "The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater"

for bailing us out.

Congratulations.

So, Emerson, have you always been involved with the internet?

No. As a matter of fact,

I used to be an unemployed actor.

Oh. Yeah, used to be.

(Emerson) Harris tells me you're an actor.

He's a very good actor.

Oh, I get it.

You are good. Very, very good.

Didi told me you were planning on keeping

the identity of your lead a secret.

Very clever.

Well, I'm nothing if not clever.

So Spencer's your leading man.

That's great. Congratulations.

This is awesome. I heard Bart Liebowitz.

He said you're a casting genius.

Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Spencer West.

I know "The Moon's a Balloon" is one of biggest hits

to hit Broadway in years.

Spencer looks like he just walked off that stage.

Well, he did.

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

Sure. Yeah.

So I assume you're going to take advantage

of that young, hip, sexy walk-in.

Walk-in?

Yeah, Harris, he's always a couple of steps ahead

of everyone in town.

Excuse me, this a play written by Malcolm Andrews,

and the lead is 77 years old.

Pure genius-- casting against type.

I love it.

That's great.

I-- I--

I don't know what to say.

Except...

Didi tells me that you studied acting,

So I would be ver-- I would like you very much

to read for an interesting role in my play.

Would you like to do that?

I would be honored.

Give me the script. Call me up.

Well, to us, to us. Right on, absolutely.

Harris, that's a wonderful thing to do--what a great idea.

You know anything about coal mining?

I do, as a matter of fact.

My grandfather was a coal miner in Pennsylvania.

What was his name? Cecil.

Wow. Hey.

What do you know?

(door opens)

Oh, it's you again.

You really seem to like meeting me in here.

I like you, Spencer.

Now, will you please tell me what's going on?

Well, what do you mean?

Everyone at your table just seemed so, "Aah," excited.

(door opens)

Uh, Spencer, are you okay?

He's fine.

You know this is the men's room?

So then, what brings you in here, honey?

Spencer, you're needed at your table.

Oh. Yeah.

Spencer, the whole world just wants you.

That's exciting.

Yeah.

Is it out...?

Yeah.

Do you know why I find this project so exciting?

No, no, tell me. It's so different.

It's like the way Didi has explained it to me,

I'm confident that your interpretation of, uh...

"The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater."

Yes.

I'm sure your interpretation

of "The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater"

is going to set a new standard for Broadway.

It is.

Kind of like your website for short people is going to...

(Emerson) Great.

Now, tell me about the music.

The music?

(tray of dishes crashes to floor)

Yeah, Harris, tell him about the music.

Music is, uh...

Didi knows how much I love musicals.

Come on.

Uh, music is-- Music is...

Music is, uh...

Would you like me to... Oh, please.

He's so modest.

Harris is going to put in

a gospel choir from Mississippi.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm just checking if we need another bottle.

Yep! A gospel choir?

Yeah, I just want to provide a context for the entire plot,

and just, well--

I want to make the main character more compelling.

What a brilliant idea.

Oh, thank you. What's it called again?

"The Life and Times of Jackson Sweetwater."

Okay, Harris, don't take this the wrong way,

but I don't think that title fits a guy like Spencer.

No? No.

Well, we could change that.

We could? Yeah.

We could?

How about "The Adventures of Jackson Sweetwater"?

To be honest...

I like it. Wait--

(Harris) Excuse me...

"The Adventures of Jack Sweet."

Here's what I have-- Excuse me.

Have you considered just "Jack Sweet?"

Ah, sweet.

Sweet. Sweet.

That's it! That's your new title!

Sweet!

Short and sweet.

The musical, awesome.

(Didi) I love it.

(Lind) Chappell!

Stand aside!

Thank you.

Harris, Wolfie informs me...

Let's go outside.

Oh? Listen to me, please.

You have to listen. Where are we going?

Hello, William.

Harris-- Harris, I need--

What am I doing out here?

I just want to talk to you for one second.

Now, listen.

My friend, you have to listen to--

I just got off the phone with Matthew Wolfe.

Didn't what I say to you earlier bloody well register?

Larry.

Yes?

Have I ever told you what an ass you are?

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, coming from you, the Failure of Broadway.

What the hell happened to you in Hollywood?

Why can't you direct?

Why can't you just get something together for once?

Why, we've been fed up waiting for you!

That's all we're doing is waiting, waiting, waiting!

May I say one thing? Yes.

Hack!

(Harris, loudly) You're a hack!

Get to an old-age home,

find a chair, and sit the fuck down!

(Lind) You son of a bitch!

I've had you up to here!

Damned amateurs.

Wankers! Bunch of wankers.

All of them, bloody wankers!

(door slams shut)

(music playing)

Was Lawrence Lind that just rushed out of here in a huff?

Men's room.

Spencer!

Spencer. Harris?

Oh, I'm glad you're in here.

Well, I'm constantly being asked to leave the table.

What's the matter?

Spencer, we have a little predicament.

Oh.

Lawrence Lind? Are you delusional?

What a minute.

Huh, I really, uh...

Why don't you just tell Emerson that there's been

a huge misunderstanding.

I'm not going to be the lead...

Spencer.

This is insane.

(knocking on door)

What?

Nikki, why--

Hey, Nick.

Glad to see you doing your business standing up these days.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What was that supposed to mean.

I thought they knew.

You mean that Nikki's really a Nick?

What the hell does that matter?

What matters is Emerson thinks that you are playing the lead.

But Lawrence Lind is playing the lead.

Lawrence Lind is a genius.

Lawrence Lind has quit. Quit?

Lawrence Lind has quit.

Come here.

Spencer, I want you to play the lead.

I told you it was crazy.

No, you've never seen me act.

I have seen you act.

I saw you in that shaving cream commercial.

You were wonderful.

Thank you, but...

We'll just keep you lathered up.

Girls like me in lather, but...

Guys. There are guys, now.

Kind of like Nikki, only in reverse.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Guys? Yes, and they're gay, too.

Gay guys? Yes.

And they better like you lathered, too.

(mutters) Come on!

Didn't you say you had an audition

for that "Moon's a Balloon" the other day?

Yeah, but... Audition for me.

Can you sell a song?

Are you nuts? You told him what?

I thought you would be tickled pink to invest in his play.

With money?

**

How did you get your job?

Is there anything that I can do to get the truth out of you?

Anything? You got a brother?

Honey, trust me.

I have everything that my brother has, only bigger.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry for the interruption.

My name is Harris Chappell.

(applause)

And-- Oh, wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I would like to introduce this evening

a marvelous young talent.

His name is Spencer West.

That's the gentlemen sitting right there

at the piano,

and he has a little gift for you this evening.

A little gift?

Perhaps it's a lot more.

You be the judge.

Spencer, take it away.

(microphone feedback)

Sorry.

(clears throat)

(music playing)

(stops playing)

(music begins again)

* Well I ain't got nothing to sell *

* I ain't got much that I can tell *

* I just got myself

* And, baby, I hope I got you

**

* And I don't know if there's a God above *

* But I believe in Heaven

* And I believe in love

* Oh, believe in me, baby

* And I can believe in you

**

* Out in the city and into night *

* I'll be your shadow

* If you'll be my light

* Oh, turn it on, baby

* You know I can shine with you *

**

He's great, right?

Really good.

**

* I'll save up my money and I'll buy us a home *

* I'll build us a life with every dollar I own *

* Depend on it, honey

* I'm spending it all on you

**

* 'Cause I ain't got a clue what the future holds *

* And I don't even know if we'll get old *

* But I'll love it all

* If, baby, I just got you

**

* Yes I'll have it all

* If, baby, I just got you

**

(song ends, applause)

Can I sell a song?

That's wonderful. They love you.

Spencer West! Thank you.

Spencer?

That was phenomenal.

Thanks.

This has been a very weird night.

Hey, I wanted to ask you something.

Why are you having dinner with Todd Emerson?

You mean Emerson Todd?

No, Todd Emerson.

He's in my acting class.

(Spencer) Your acting class? He's an actor?

(Sophia) Not a very good one.

But he's claiming to be an internet millionaire.

Short.com.

An internet millionaire?

His parents had to send him rent money last month.

Are you kidding me?

What the--

Okay, um, listen, I need to get Didi away from the table

so I can talk to her alone.

You know what, I think you are going to have

a wonderful working relationship with Harris as well.

Can you sing?

As a matter of fact...

Oh, my goodness!

Spencer, you were fantastic!

Oh, thank you.

I mean, talk about hiding your light under a bushel!

Thank you, Didi. Excuse me.

Didi, the girl in the coat room,

she needs to ask you something, if you don't mind.

Oh, right now?

Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

I'll be right back, honey. Okay.

That was really amazing.

I mean, you've got talent.

So, why are you really here?

What do you mean?

Look over at the girl in the coat check.

Right over there.

She look familiar?

There's no Short.com, is there?

I didn't know Sophia worked here.

There's no money.

There's not even an Emerson Todd.

Spencer, look, really, this has nothing to do with you, okay?

You have ruined my life.

Look, this all just happened!

How did this happen?

Look, I'm in an acting class with Sophia, okay?

Now, Mark McQueen, our teacher,

he gave us this assignment to go out into the world

and create the role you've always wanted to play

and, well, become that person.

So you became Emerson Todd, an internet mogul?

I always wanted to be an internet mogul.

Wow.

But I had no idea it would go this far.

You know, I was just doing my homework.

Seriously, your homework?

See, I was role-playing when I met Didi in that--

You know, that fancy bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel.

Before you know it, we were in bed together,

which is something I'm actually pretty good at.

Okay, get to the part about how you ended up here tonight.

We'd been dating, Didi and I, and then she tells me

her best friend is the famous director Harris Chappell.

So she's like, "Come on down.

I'll get you a part in the new play."

But when I get here, she tells me

she wants me to back the play with my internet millions.

Oh, fuck.

One thing led to another and...

Well, you got to tell Didi.

Are out of your mind?

Nope, not up for debate. Didi!

That was weird.

Emerson, he's actually--

He's got something that he wants to tell you.

Right? You okay?

Are you okay?

You tell her, please? Nope. Nuh-uh.

It's okay. Well?

One of you tell me something.

Can't be that bad... right?

(laughs) Um...

You two seem to be having fun tonight.

What do you mean?

I've been watching whatever it is that's going on.

It's been interesting.

You two get, like, a two-act comedy out of this.

(Harris chuckles)

Do you hear what he said?

We're in real trouble, Chappell!

Don't worry about it.

I can make this all work.

Chappell... Look, Wolfie is coming over

with some paperwork that's going to allow me

to make changes in the script.

I'll just age this production down,

and I'll just give it a "Moon's a Balloon" feel.

What about Larry?

Larry hasn't signed his contract yet,

so there's no problem.

Well, I hate to sound selfish, but what about me?

Well, now, it's obvious that your part, the autobiographer,

that doesn't work with a 21-year-old lead.

The character hasn't had time to lead his life.

So, that's it? I'm out?

You're going to throw away a 20-year friendship

for some kid you met an hour ago?

I hadn't thought of it that way.

Well, you should. Harris...

let's just take a deep breath and figure this all out.

Yes, but I have figured it out.

You see, I'm going to take Emerson's money,

and I'm going to rewrite the script.

I'm going to add some gospel music,

and I'm going to return triumphantly to Broadway

with "Sweet," starring Spencer West.

I give up.

Wait, wait, wait.

David, I do have a part for you.

You do?

Yes, I do.

Now, honestly, do you think you could play the part

of the director of a Mississippi gospel choir?

I'm David Thiel...

two-time Tony winner from...

(southern drawl) Savannah.

And I believe I could, y'all.

(claps) It's perfect.

Have you figured out how you're going to stage musical numbers

in a mine shaft 200 feet under Pittsburg?

Didi...

You have a much better chance of living if you don't speak.

Ah, Chappell! Wolfie.

I got it. Oh, great.

That Monte character come up with the money yet?

Not exactly.

Whoa, whoa, what do you mean "not exactly"?

That doesn't even sound like the word "yes."

Things got complicated.

Complicate-- Look, Harris,

Let me tell you what is not complicated.

You took a million bucks on the option

for the film rights for the "Jackson Sweetwater" play

with the understanding that it was fully financed.

A million isn't so much.

Well, it sure is if you spent it already,

and the financing isn't in place.

It's called fraud.

Harris, you'll go to jail.

All right, I got someone else in place.

Now, David's at the bar.

Go have a drink with him. Okay.

Oh, does he know what's going on?

You don't even know what's going on-- Go.

I don't even know what's going on, go.

I hate you.

No, no, no, no.

Emerson, I was going to bring the distinguished

British acting legend, Lawrence Lind, to Broadway.

But after listening to you tonight,

and seeing the crowd's reaction to Spencer's performance,

I've decided to give Spencer the leading role

in the slightly revised Malcolm Andrews musical "Sweet."

Congratulations, Spencer.

Your Broadway star is about to shine.

No, no, no. Please, don't say anything.

Would you please come here for a second?

It just keeps getting worse.

Harris, I really don't want to sound ungrateful...

Then don't.

...but I haven't even read the play.

You will, when I rewrite it.

Yeah, but this is crazy.

No, it's show business!

I'm not sure I'm a good enough actor.

Shh, shh.

I am a great director.

Chappell, can you come here for a minute?

Harris, here is my ticket.

I'm going home.

It's been a very long evening.

(quietly) Harris...

I want you to meet someone.

Yes, we already met in the men's room.

The men's room?

There's a lot going on in that men's room.

You have no idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

Oh.

Spencer.

Mr. Thiel.

You're gonna knock 'em dead.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're Emerson?

Yes.

Harris Chappell is going to deliver

the biggest hit on Broadway.

I'm sure.

Sweetheart.

Bye.

Have a lovely evening.

Thank you, my dear,

and the same to y'all.

Y'all.

(door opens, shuts)

Y'all.

Didi, what are we going to do?

Nothing.

We're going do nothing tonight.

We're going to pretend that everything is the same,

and then tomorrow, I'm going to tell Harris

that life as he knows it is over.

Didi... Don't touch me.

(chuckles) Don't touch me.

When you're ready, sir.

Why can't he just find another investor?

I'm going to be needing this

for the souvenirs I'll be taking later.

Spencer, help me.

Help you? I don't even like you.

Oh, what a great evening so far,

and it's only 7:30.

By the way, David's gone home

to work on his southern accent,

so you're coming with us tonight.

Dinner's on me.

What? Wow, Peter...

Yes, yes.

That's magnificent.

My friend, thank you so very much.

I want to welcome you back to New York.

Thank you, it's great to be home.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your great service.

Your welcome. Good night.

Harris, I really hope you won't be too upset,

but I've just received a text message,

and I've got to run to an urgent meeting.

I hope it's a short meeting.

Real short. Yes, yes.

Real short. (chuckles)

I'll call you on Monday

to arrange to read for the part.

I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you very much.

Spencer, it was nice meeting you.

And congratulations.

Thank you... Mm-hmm. Really...

Didi, uh...

(Emerson) I'll call you later.

Okay, I want to know what's going on.

Oh, Nikki.

Oh, come on! Something is up.

Harris, give a girl a break.

You owe me.

Okay, but you can't release it until next week.

Harris!

But my column comes out on Monday.

Harris. Okay, here it is.

Wait, Harris, what are you--

Spencer West is the playing the lead in my play.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Of course you knew it, because you are an instinctive,

investigative, scotch-drinking reporter.

And my editor thinks I didn't have what it takes.

Oh, but, honey, we all know you have more than what it takes.

Oh! Can I get a picture?

Absolutely. Let's do it.

No. No pictures.

I don't think a picture is a good idea.

I think you should ask Sophia to come with us tonight.

She's working. All right.

Just ask her, or maybe I'll talk to Peter.

Good night. Thank you.

Do you want to go to the theater with me tonight?

I don't know, I have ask.

How did it go with Todd?

Yeah, I'll tell you later.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Is everything all right?

Yes!

It's just all the excitement kind of made me dizzy.

What a great, great, great night.

Hey, darling, will you meet me for brunch tomorrow?

There's something I want to talk to you about.

Tell me now.

No, no, I want to save it.

(door opens)

(chuckles)

You don't look so good.

Something wrong?

This should be the best night of my life.

I was just offered the lead in Harris Chappell's new play.

I know.

You know?

How do you know?

(chuckles)

What's funny?

Oh, it's nothing.

You've heard the phrase, "When it rains, it pours"?

Of course. Hmm.

Well, earlier this evening,

I was with Wolfie in the bar,

there was this man who'd been sitting there all evening.

It turns out he runs a theater investment fund.

You're kidding? Mm.

I suggested that my partner and I might be interested

in putting up the money to produce it.

I saw you perform.

You were fantastic.

He all but wanted to write a check to produce the play.

Harris, that's fabulous!

But Harris turned me down.

I told him, "Thank you,

but we already have an investor."

Some internet mogul.

(chuckles)

Well.

Wait, do you have a second?

Odd though, isn't it?

Mommy.

Harris said you had talent.

Didi, can I talk to you for just a second?

This is really important.

Hi.

Well, hi, Ms. Martinelli.

How are you doing?

Um, fine. How are you doing?

Oh, it's been a great night.

Oh.

Oh, mother!

What?

All right, I met this guy in the men's room.

What? What is with the men's room in this place?

Do they all have L.B.L?

What do you mean? Light bladder leakage!

Peter said I can go with you guys.

Oh, good, Spencer's going to be very happy.

Why are they outside?

I have no idea.

So he's going to come see the premiere tonight?

Yeah.

Spencer, this is great.

I want to meet him.

Oh, they're coming in.

I can go.

Sweet.

Daddy, Spencer and I, we're just going to be

in the bar for a moment-- we'll be right back.

(Harris) Okay.

I'll get our coats.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me...um--

I'm Didi Ravenal.

I know who you are.

I'm close friends with Harris Chappell,

and I wanted to say thank you.

Rib eye, medium-rare?

Table ten.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Harris.

I've really outdone myself this time.

What have you done?

Well, I just got off the phone

with my people on the coast,

and if you win the Tony,

there is a three-picture deal waiting for you in Los Angeles.

Okay, like I told Spencer, it's not a done deal

until I get my partner on board,

but I think Monte is going to love it.

He is...

Monte! Darling!

Oh, my God, it's Monte Sobel!

I'm glad you finally got here.

Monte Sobel?

(Monte) Traffic was atrocious.

You missed quite an evening.

I'm so sorry.

You know, it's getting late, so we probably should--

Oh, no, no. You all right?

I'll know in a minute.

Monte Sobel, this is Didi Ravenal.

Monte, such a pleasure to meet you.

And I'd like to introduce Spencer West.

He's the young man starring in Chappell's new play.

Spencer, this is my partner Monte Sobel.

Nice to meet you. Aha.

So, you're Harris Chappell's big secret.

I-- Yeah.

You have a very, very good look, young man.

Thank you.

So, Monte, I think we should produce

Harris Chappell's new play.

And, you know, I would do just about anything

to get you boys involved.

Well, then I can't imagine not producing it

with Chappell directing

and a fine young man like Spencer starring in it.

I haven't told you anything about it yet.

Well, it is Harris Chappell.

Darling, don't look now,

but that is Monte Sobel in the bar.

Not so bad, right?

I told you he'd love it.

(Nikki) Monte!

Nick!

I mean Nikki!

My God, what a lovely young woman you've become.

You know her?

Sweetie, you've been spending too much time in Chicago.

That's the guy? Yes.

And they love Spencer so much,

they are going to give you all the money that you need.

Now, wait a minute.

So we have two full investors?

Can we do that?

Darling, this a night for celebrating,

not for comprehending.

So we're fine?

As sure as my name is Didi Ravenal, baby.

It isn't, really. Shh!

I cannot thank you guys enough.

This is--

Harris, this is unbelievable.

I would like for you to meet Monte Sobel.

Nice to finally meet you, Monte.

Oh, the pleasure is mine.

We'd better all get started.

I don't want to miss the curtain.

You know how I love musicals.

As do I. Go.

**

Ahh.

The lullaby of Broadway.

(Harris) All right, here we go.

Here we go.

Time to see some plastic sing-and-dance.

(Sophia) This is so exciting.

Mm-hmm..

All right, come on.

Spencer, Bart told me he has a role for you

in his new movie, "Elevator to Hell."

You'll need an agent when his people call.

Sweet.

Thank you.

Roman, put that away.

Nancy, so great to see you.

Like you. Mwah.

I've so missed you.

Enjoy that show.

Peter, thank you!

Thank you!

Okay. Good night.

I've got to call my dad.

Not a bad evening for you.

The lead in a Broadway musical,

Bart Liebowitz' new film,

and Nancy Diamond is going to sign you.

Don't forget about my date with Sophia.

And your date with Sophia.

Hey, Dad.

Dad, yeah, we're just heading to the theater right now,

but I've got something I really need to tell you and mom.

Hey, Jim. Chappell.

We're even.

* Plastic please

**

* Plastic please

* Paper or plastic?

**

We're still good with Monte, right?

Harris, would I leave you hanging?

* Plastic please

(Spencer) Wait, Emerson?

* Plastic please

Hey, Chappell!

**

* Plastic please

* Paper or plastic?

* Latex, nylon, Styrofoam, bubblegum *

* Disposed as we leave

* Plastic please

* Cellular, cellulite, Gore-Tex, Paperwhite *

* I'm in a color dream

* Plastic please

* Please, please, please please, please *

(flatulence)

**

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, when He washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* He washed my sins away

* Oh, happy day

* What a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, when He washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* He washed my sins away

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, what a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* He taught me how

* Taught me how

* To watch

* How to watch, fight and pray *

Good God! Oh, Lord!

* Fight and pray

* Oh ho

* And we're rejoicing

* And we're rejoicing

* Each and every day

Good God! Oh, Lord!

* Every day

* Every day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, it was a happy day

* It was a happy day, yeah

* I want to jump and shout

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed your sins away *

* Oh, happy day

* When I get to Heaven

* Oh, happy day

* Ain't gonna put me out, no

* Hold on don't forget that day *

* Gonna be a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Gonna see my mother there

* Oh, happy day

* Gonna see my father there

* Jesus came and washed my sins away *

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* Oh, when He washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* When Jesus washed

* He washed my sins away

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, it was a happy day

* Oh, happy day

* It was a happy day

* Oh, happy day

Good Lord! My God!

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day

* Oh, happy day *