Original subtitles

Come on, Al, is that the best you can do?

Peg, I can't concentrate if you're gonna keep shouting instructions.

Not like that, you moron.

Who taught you to do this anyway?

All right, that's it, I quit.

Haven't we done enough for one day?

Oh, all right.

At least you did something.

I'm sick of spending my day off scooping doody.

Damn dog. Why can't he use Marcie's yard like everybody else?

Well, here's another "why" for you to ponder, honey.

Why'd you bring the doody in the house?

For the fun part, Peg. Watch this.

Sorry, ma'am.

I hit a PowerWalker, Peg.

She's coming in!

Come on, Bud.

My assignment for modelling school is to take a total wreck of a human...

...a complete fashion frog, and do a makeover.

Please, I need an absolute zero...

...and everyone says that you'd be perfect.

I have carefully crafted my look over the years...

...into the finally honed babe-train you see before you.

To look at me is to love me.

Sometimes love's a hurting thing.

I'm not like the other girls you know.

I don't want to change your face or your body...

...or your odious personality.

Just give me a shot at your clothes.

And what is wrong with my clothes, Kel?

Nothing, Yoda.

If you're referring to the jacket...

...the salesgirl said Kevin Costner swears by these jackets.

And it is not a Yoda jacket.

If it was, it wouldn't have been next to the Dick Tracy raincoats.

Oh, God.

I'm dressed like an action figure.

Help. Help me. Shoot me. Dress me.

There, there, Ewok.

Trust me.

When I'm through with you, the only laughter you'll hear...

...is when you're out of your clothes.

Oh, Al, take me again.

I didn't even know I was taking you then.

I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.

Probably God, personally delivering a plague.

Excuse me, is this magnificent beast yours?

Yes, but she's very expensive.

No, I meant the dog.

- I don't know it. Chased it off the lawn. - It's not our dog.

If you can tell me whom he belongs to, it might be worth $10,000 to the owner.

Ah, look Peg, that's our beloved family pet.

I'm interested in using your dog as a stud.

Well, let me ask the dog.

What do you say, boy?

Well, he's not the most attractive man in the world...

...but he's got a kind face. Don't you think you could maybe do--?

It's not for me, you nitwit.

It's for my dog.

For your dog, yeah.

Why don't you go upstairs and get Buck's jacket...

...and his little collar, you know, his evening collar.

Yeah, and maybe I better throw in his muzzle.

We wouldn't want the other "dog" to get his hand bit.

- Perhaps I should explain. - Perhaps you should do it from there.

I am the proud owner of grand champion...

...Astoria's Lady of Marseilles.

Winner of the best of breed, Edinburgh International Dog Show.

I believe she is the best briard bitch on the circuit today.

I want to mate her with your dog...

...whose fine bones I couldn't help but notice...

...as he fell down when he lifted his leg to pee.

Well, that can happen to a guy.

Many's a time my leg falls asleep, before you know it... on your side.

Spare us, Al.

Relive some old football memories in your head or something.

I'm gonna talk to this man.

So how do we get that 10 thou?

By breeding your champion with mine.

I'll fly her in from Munich...

...and upon successful breeding...

...I will pay the stud fee of $10,000.

Here's my card. Call me to arrange a date.

Oh, and by the way...

...my Astoria is a very discerning dog.

So, for God's sakes, please...

...brush your dog's teeth.

Did you hear that, Al?

Wake up, Gipper.

Look at him, Al.

Our home finally has a breadwinner.

- And he's a good boy too. - Oh, Buck.

- A good boy. - You're gonna make a lot of money.

- I was All-City, you know, boy. - Oh, good boy.

God, what is taking him so long?

Bud, come down here. The girls from my class are waiting.

I'm not ready.

What do you care about your grade?

You're getting a cut of $10,000 from your dog anyway.

Yeah, I'm probably gonna have to put that away for my old age.

You know, the big two-five is not so far away.

I'm ready.

Okay. Now we all remember what Bud looked like before, right?

Yeah, well, hold that thought...

...while I introduce you to the new Bud lite.

Budrick.

What do you think, ladies?

Early James Dean or the Bride of Leavenworth?

Well, you'll notice how the attention has been subtly diverted...

...from the danger area, his face...

...by the hat and the plunging neckline...

...which, if he had a chest, would now be exposed.

Kelly, you're gonna get an A for sure.

I'm gonna go change and hang myself in the shower now.

Oh, please, not yet.

Wouldn't you like to go to the movies...

...or my Dad's condo?

Hey, I was gonna ask.

I always liked him.

Well, then wait till I'm through with him.

Thank you, but the entertainment is over for the day.

The clown must rest.

I don't believe any of you for a second.

Well, would you believe this?

Well, how about this?

- He's mine. - He's mine.

He's mine. I saw him first when he came down the stairs.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Now we're all adults here.

There's plenty of room on this body for all of your hands.

Kel, tell Mom I'll be home in a couple of days and to buy some food...

...because I'm gonna be hungry.

Mother. Father.

Hey, how did Buck do?

Did he and the girl dog consummate?

Well, not exactly.

Buck got this really confused look on his face...

...like he had no idea what to do.

I know that look well.

If I've seen it once, I've seen it once every three months.

Now, Peg, there's $10,000 at stake here.

Not nearly enough for what I'm about to do.

But if you want to get rich, sometimes you have to get dirty.

Peg, let's go upstairs.

I want Buck to learn from the best.

Come on, Buck. Come on, boy.

- Come here, boy. - Gee, Al.

You were magnificent.

Where does he get it from?

I don't think I've ever seen a dog try to cover his eyes...

...with his paws before.

Well, that's what I don't understand, Peg.

If he could copy that from me, why couldn't he copy the rest?

Well, he does change his underwear and socks as often as you do.

She's just kidding, boy.

She knows as well as we do that the man is the king.

What are you doing?

We're trying to make him wanna have sex.

Isn't that a good boy!

The man is the king.

He loves me till I scream, "Oh, baby, oh, baby, please stop."

Hey, here's a proud beauty, hey, boy?

Legs that won't quit.

Quite a saucy little lilt of the tail.

Look at that come-hither look on her snout.

Now what I would do if I were you, next time you hop that briard...

...I'd just close my eyes and pretend I was Bundifying a poodle.

Listen to him, Buck.

He satisfied me.

Look how happy I am.

Gee, Al, nice to see you down on all fours...

...like your forefathers.

Next perhaps you could point to a wheel and say:

"Me no understand wheel thing.

Wanna buy some shoes?"

Well, it looks like something that come from the Colonel, all right.

But the legs are picked clean...

...and I don't see any breasts.

That was a good one, hey, boy?

Well, from where I stand, the brain has been picked clean...

...and I can't find any hair.

So, what's he doing?

Regaling Buck with his high school football stories?

Buck's heard all of those a thousand times.

Don't you two people understand that what this dog needs to see...

...is a strong, undisputed male role model.

Oh, Gigi's home.

Thank you, ladies, but I think I can make it the rest of the way myself.

To be young again.

Buck, make sure no harm comes to the ladies.

Son, those were girls you were with, right?

They're women now.

Look, I didn't say anything when you were...

...lilacking around the house the other day...

...or yesterday when you were wearing that skirt.

"Kilt," Dad.

Sure, son.

But tell me something, Bud...

...you will be playing baseball again, won't you?

Hey, Mom, Dad, did Bud tell you yet?

Well, not in so many words, but we're not blind.

Not that.

I got an A for making him over.

There was some stiff competition too.

One girl brought in a chimp wearing a baseball cap and polka dot Speedos.

But I got the A because my teacher said...

...that I had less raw material to work with.

Well, human-for-a-day, the assignment's over.

I gotta get these clothes back to La Petit Poof.

No way, meals-on-heels.

I'm floating on an ocean of babes and I needs my fishnets.

Do you realize that it costs me $25 a day to rent this stuff?

Well, that's more than it costs to rent you.

Hi, Kelly. Hi, Kelly.

Don't worry, Al. He's just rebelling.

I did it myself for awhile. Of course, I just drank...

...drank beer and smoked cigarettes.

But then I wasn't rebelling against heterosexuality.

Speaking of which, I think you've got a problem with your dog.

Oh, we know all about it. Neither he nor his master can perform.

Well, I can't speak for Al.

The satisfied look on Peggy's face does that.

But your dog is a veritable windmill out on my yard...

...with every dog in the neighborhood. Even the Henderson's lawn elf.

He's out there every day.

Peg, that's his trouble with the briard...

...he's exhausted!

Well, I'll put a stop to this.

Gee, this should be worth watching.

I don't think it's wise for Al to try and break up a tryst between Buck...

...and what appears to be a very large rottweiler with a spiked collar.

Hey, not there. Hey, watch it now.

Well, Buck's been locked down in the basement for two weeks now...

...with absolutely no female contact whatsoever.

God, how I envy him.

Watch this, Peg. Buck!

Lady Briard.

Lassie.

Nancy Reagan.

See, that's why I never believed that Sinatra story.

Let's get him back in the mood.

Buck...

...Mommy's shoes.

I'd say he's ready.

Honey, are you sure you should be going out so soon?

I mean, the lockjaw just cleared up.

Come on. Here he is, Peg.

Looking unintelligent as ever...

...but from the looks of my Playboys shredded down there...

...I'd say he's ready to rock to the tune of ten grand.

Come on. Thattaboy.

Well, Al, be careful.

I heard that the McGinty's poodle was in heat.

Heel, boy. Heel, heel!

Oh, and you know, so is the Ritter's Irish setter right across the street.

You're killing me, boy!

And also the Finley's beagle behind our house.

Yep, I used to play hockey and I was great.

Then I said to myself, "Bud, you're an artist...

...and very handsome.

Why would you let your violent side takeover?

If you must swing a stick, swing a stick for love."

That's beautiful.

Take me.

Well, it's been a while since--

It's been a while since your daddy took Buck to do the deed.

That 10,000 bucks should be on the way.

Well, that's good, Mom, because I'm running low on lamé.

Did they reinstitute the draft or something?

- He's here. We're rich! - Yes.

Oh, Al, give me that check.

Honey, this isn't a check for $10,000.

This is a bill for $10,000.

If you look a little closer, you'll see it's a bill for $100,000.

You see, Buck was ready all right.

A little bit more ready than our Lady of Astoria...

...or should I say "the late Lady of Astoria."

To death, Al?

And beyond, Peg.

But don't worry, the hundred thou is payable over a three day period.

So I figure, you know, a couple of busy days at the shoe store...

...maybe a lemonade stand manned by my two daughters here...

...we'll be able to save enough to buy a chocolate bar...

...and maybe some nylons for my new cellmate, Bruno.

Daddy, if it'll help any...

...you can have my share of the $10,000.

I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

Excuse me, so you're not getting a cut of $10,000?

Well, no, but...

...what difference does that make when we have what we have?

Have that.

Fine. There's plenty more where you came from, babe.

I gotta see this.

- He didn't get the money. - Let's burn him!

- Not there. Watch it, now! - Kill him!

Ah, honey, don't be sad.

The worst thing that happened is that we owe another hundred grand.

I mean, what are they gonna do? Garnish your pay check?

Yeah, or yours.

You know, go into the kids' college funds?

Or our retirement money? We don't have any!

Or our life insurance.

We have nothing.

You really know how to make me feel better, babe.

And you know what you could do to make me feel better.

Way ahead of you, babe.

Hey, how about that one?

You're the king, baby.

You got that right.