Original subtitles

So he said to me, "I just can't move my feet like you do, Bud."

So I says, "Hammer, please don't make me hurt you.

Now just watch my feet."

- And the rest, shall we say, is-- - A lie?

Yes. Yes, my mouth must be punished.

Kiss me, you minx.

Was it everything I told you it would be?

No.

But it was everything the other girls told me it would be.

Well, then let's try my patented gyro-tongue action.

No.

Before I cheapen myself any more...

...are you sure you can get front-row tickets to the Vanilla Ice concert?

Hey, now, I'm the one who showed Ice Hammer's steps.

Now play that funky lip music, white girl.

Hey! If I told you punks once, I told you a thousand times...

...keep your hands off my daughter!

You little ninny.

Oh, I love it when they come back for more.

Oh, hi, son.

- Turn on the lights. - What for?

Turn on the lights!

Does that look like Kelly to you?

Does it?

You mean that was you over there "Bundyfying" that girl?

All right, son!

Come on over here, now.

Sit back down. Here, put your little arm around her there.

Hey, Peg! Peg, get down here, you gotta see this.

- Bring the camera! - I gotta go.

Call me when you get the tickets.

And remember, the closer I get to Ice...

...the closer you get to the heat.

What is it, Al? What is it?

Are Marcie and Jefferson playing nude Jeopardy again?

No, no. No, more incredible. Bud had a girl here.

Yeah, right.

Al, I thought we agreed not to make fun of him to his face.

Now, good night, honey. And don't worry...

...one day it won't be just a cruel joke.

Does no one in this house see my sex appeal? I mean, I see it.

These people must be crazy. Well, luckily I have a girl who loves me now.

By the way, I need 60 bucks to take her to a concert...

...or she's gonna go with someone she finds genuinely attractive.

Daddy, have I told you how much I loved you?

How much, Kelly?

A whole lot.

No, I mean, how much money do you want?

That's what I was talking about. A whole lot.

Daddy, I need this money so bad.

Our modelling school's going on this important field trip...

...to the old models' home...

...to visit Renee.

She was the first model who only had one name.

I mean, since Renee, models from Iman to Cheryl Tiegs...

...have had only one name.

Forget it, Kel. Dad works hard for his money...

...and I say we use it only for necessities.

He's gonna give it to me so I can get me some, aren't you, Dad?

Both my kids have legitimate requests...

...so maybe I shall solve this as the O-so-wise Solomon would.

I shall keep my money and go to the nudie bar tomorrow.

So it shall be written, so it shall be danced.

Part the seas of uselessness...

...I must go sleep with the red plague.

Well, maybe for a penny.

Get out of here, you old rag.

What's wrong with everyone, huh?

I mean, surely a quarter's not too much to ask to rub your hands over all this.

Yeah, it's a real bargain.

You and I are a lot alike, boy.

No, I've had sex.

And at least I have the decency to die at 13.

I wonder how Kelly's doing on her new roller-skating waitress job.

Help me!

Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

Open the door, Bud! Hurry! Hurry!

Thank you, but a trifle late.

Help me down the steps, Sneezy.

Dumb, stupid, rotten job.

Roller-skating waitress at Bill's Hilltop Drive-In.

This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?

- How much money did you make, Kel? - Nothing. This is my first order.

Stupid people put their stupid restaurant on a stupid hill.

So these people order burgers and fries...

...and then they load me into this chute, fire me towards the car...

...and I'm doing fine.

I'm also doing warp 10, zooming down the expressway...

...to the yells of, "It's a bird, it's a plane.

No, it's a girl going 90 with a dress over her head."

You know, if Mom hadn't made me stop kissing for money when I was 5...

...I wouldn't be in this pickle of a fix.

So how'd you do?

Well, you know, I haven't actually started yet.

Let me save you a lot of grief.

Don't try the oil-me-up-for-a-quarter bit...

...because you can feel the Chihuahua down the block for free.

Bud, I just can't miss this bus trip.

I mean, if I do, I'll fall behind the other models.

I'm already failing Smiling 101.

Oh, my God, now I've done it. My brain's beating faster. Help me.

Easy now, breakfast of champions.

Now listen.

From here on in, I'll do the thinking for the both of us...

...and you do the working for the both of us.

And we'll split it, 30-70.

Wait a second, wait a second.

I'm doing all the work, right?

So it's 30 for me.

Okay.

Oh, God, I just love going to the mall.

And did you see how I controlled myself?

I couldn't be more proud of you if you were dead.

The least you could have done was stand next to me in line...

...when they shredded my credit cards.

Well, it wasn't my stuff that put us over the limit.

It was that thing you just had to have.

So here it is. Your Hanes underwear sewing kit.

So, what do you wanna do tonight?

Same thing the Rockefellers do:

Sew my underwear up and cry.

Come on, honey. I wanna go out.

Peg, I just spent three hours in your presence.

I watched you buy lingerie I wouldn't sleep next to...

...even if you weren't in them.

So I don't want another chalkboard screech out of you.

Al!

Honey, I wanna go out tonight.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, in this day and age, I don't know why you leave your door open.

A maniac could just walk in and kill you.

Yeah, like I ever get what I want.

Al, we'd kind of like to rent a video tonight...

...pop it on the old VCR and spend a nice night at home.

- What are you telling me for? - That's our VCR.

I guess about a month ago when you came over to borrow a soda...

...and we said, "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood.

Which brings me to our flatware.

Hey, I didn't steal your bra.

Easy, Marcie!

Al, I know what let's do.

Let's go over to their house and watch videos. Marcie, that's a great idea.

You'll bring the food and the movies, and we'll bring your VCR.

Absolutely not.

Dad, I just got Kelly a babysitting gig...

...so tonight you'll have to stay up in the bedroom with Mom.

Oh, Al...

...we can break in my new lingerie.

I know, I'll wear the mood panties.

Hey! Let's do it! Let's go!

Last one to your house gets to sit next to the wife. Come on!

Babysitting. God, the degradation.

You know, the last time I babysat was for this stupid little boy.

I got so sick of his whining...

...that I held him over the toilet and I kept on flushing it...

...telling him that the next time he'd be in it.

From then on, every time he heard running water, he freaked.

God, I just can't remember who that kid was, though.

Oh, well, I'm sure he's gotten over it by now.

That must be the client now.

I just can't figure it out, though.

Why would people pay $120 just to babysit one kid?

I didn't say one kid, Kel. I said one family.

Which family?

The Hubbards.

Kel, I got the money and I'm off to the concert.

Bud, don't leave me. I'm your sister!

What means more to you, your sister or some little tramp?

So are we gonna be good little boys and girls?

- Destroy! - Yeah!

- Hate! - I went wee-wee.

Help!

Okay, now here are our choices:

Anna Karenina...

...Beaches...

...Madame Sousatzka...

...or the one that was already in the VCR...

...Breast Monsters from Jupiter.

I've already seen Breast Monsters, but I'll go around again.

I won't spoil the ending for you, but it involves breasts.

Well, I'm game if the ladies don't mind.

- We could watch that one second. - Well, let's watch that Beaches one.

I wouldn't mind seeing a couple of college babes in string bikinis.

Actually...

...a complex tale about the enduring friendship of two women...

...over a period of 18 years.

Two girls swapping tans on a beach for 18 years. Pop it in.

We can watch it until they hit 30.

Then we watch Breast Monsters from Jupiter.

Oh, relax, Al.

You haven't even learned how to capture breasts on this planet yet.

He loves them, you know.

But he doesn't know how to handle them.

You know, sometimes at night...

...he'll grab my knee, squeeze it and say:

"Go on, say it. Who's the king, baby? Who's the king?"

Sometimes I laugh so hard I lose my place in my book.

Well, in my defense...

...these days, most things on her orbit around her knees.

Shall we movie?

Honk, honk. You love it, baby.

"'Honk, honk' said the 'goss'--"

"Goose."

"--goose as she swims to find--"

"A."

"--a worm for dinner."

Very good.

"Quickie, she flopped her wins." Oh, God.

Look, let me capsize the story for you.

When the goose got where it was going...

...she met this really cool blond goose...

...who only had one name, Kelly.

Cool, huh?

Anyway, she was a model.

Everybody thought that she was dumb, but she wasn't.

Anyway, she was so beautiful...

...that all the boys in fairyland wanted her.

You know, like Prince Charming...

...and the guy with the pies and the sheep.

The guy shaped like an egg.

Dopey and Zeppo.

Curly and Moe and the other dwarfs, etcetera.

But instead of going to the fairy dance...

...she had to babysit a bunch of troll-like snot monsters...

...who, if one of them squirts me with that gun...

...will die a horrible screaming death.

Along with his demon-seed brother and sister Hubbards...

...at the hands of the mighty dragon-beast, Buck...

...who hasn't eaten for 1000 years.

The end.

So, what have we learned from all this?

You die at dawn.

Isn't this a good movie?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah, it's great.

Why did I marry?

All I ever really wanted to do was play racquetball with the guys.

Maybe ride a motorcycle cross-country.

Go to California...

...and become a porno star.

But this is almost as much fun.

What a life. Is this it? Is this the end?

Did it happen last night and no one told me?

Egads, it's Saturday night.

I should be out on the town, dressed in leopard...

...purring like a kitten in Karl "The Mailman" Malone's lap.

But this is almost as much fun.

Hey, Peg would wanna see this.

I know what they're all thinking:

"Marcie has the smallest breasts in the room."

Well, I'm happy about it. Happy, I tell you.

They are perfectly symmetrical for my frame.

And I'm happy about it. Happy, I tell you.

Besides, I'm smart.

I have a big brain.

That's what men really want.

- Milk Dud? - Tootsie Roll!

How long is this movie, an eon?

There isn't a woman under 50 in this film.

About now on Jupiter...

...the breasts gladiators would be duelling with the liquid cheese.

But, gee...

...then I'd be missing out on all this human feeling.

God, what happened to me?

When I was young I would have beat the hell out of him...

...and made his wife hold my jacket.

And here I am hanging out with them.

God, I was great when I was a kid.

A football hero. Young, strong, fast, indestructible.

Memories Of the world I left behind

Misty watercolour memories Of the way we were

Shattered pictures Of the smiles I left behind

Smiles we gave to one another

For the way we were

Can it be that it was All so simple then

Or has time rewritten every line

If we had the chance To do it all again

Tell me

Would we?

Could we?

Memories

May be beautiful And yet

What's too painful to remember

We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter

We will remember

Whenever we remember

The way we were

The way we were

Hi, Kel.

The greatest thing:

I got her front row.

I got her backstage.

I got her.

I was so cool!

Could you untie me, please?

Well, I'm not sure.

Would you be mad if I spent your share of the money on my date?

I'd kill you.

Well, then I'll see you in the morning.

If you need me, I'll be upstairs.

The bad thing do make you sleepy.