Original subtitles

Oh, man, a fella could get used to this.

I'll bet the peanut inside is all warm and toasty.

Oh, Lord...

...bless this M

...and the mighty cockroach I slain in battle to get it.

Hi, honey.

- You ruined my day, you know. - Well, Peg, it's your own fault.

Stop asking me if you look old in the morning.

Not that.

Thanks to you, I had a humiliating experience at the beauty parlor.

Your pay check fell out of my purse and everyone saw it.

I tried to pretend it was Bud's, but no one believed me.

There it was, just as plain as day: "Al Bundy, 80 pesos."

So I pretended to laugh like I thought it was funny...

...but inside I was dying.

The peanut's all warm and toasty.

Oh, baby.

- What brought that on? - I was trying to get my dinner back.

Al, you're avoiding the issue.

Now let's face it, you're past 40.

It's time you started bringing home more money than Opie.

Peg, Opie came home to Aunt Bee's pies.

Me, I come home to Aunt Bee.

Mom, Dad, I've got some great news.

They're starting an all-you-can-eat buffet at the men's shelter?

Good talking to you, Dad.

Mom, I've got some great news.

I've been selected one of five Chicago students...

...to go to the White House and meet the president.

Peg, did you hear that?

My boy's going to meet the president.

Do me a favor. If you meet the white-haired old lady...

...you know, Mrs. President...

She seems nice.

Have her go in the kitchen and fix something up to bring home to Dad?

And while you're at it...

...bring me back some presidential toilet paper.

Man, I'll bet that stuff is smooth.

Yeah. Sure, Dad.

Mom, you want me to grab a lamp or anything if I have a hand free?

Well, I wouldn't spit at a painting.

Just Dad's laundry, eh, Mom?

Anyway, all I need for the trip is a hundred bucks.

Hundred bucks!

For a hundred bucks we can get the president to come here.

What the hell. Peg, get me my check book.

You want the personal or the corporate account?

I want the joint account.

The one where the checks say:

"Mrs. Peggy Bundy and the Nameless Shoe Salesman."

That was supposed to be a joke.

I had no idea that they'd actually put that on the checks.

But at least they left out the "witless" part.

"Nameless Shoe Salesman."

There you go, son.

Now, this is the Bundy's last hundred dollars.

- You're proud of me, aren't you, Dad? - I'm proud of both my children.

You guys, I have great news.

Was this couch always here?

Anyway, I have a chance to be Miss Weenie Tot.

Do you know what that means?

It means that if I win, I get to go to supermarkets...

...and hold a tray of Weenie Tots in front of a cold freezer...

...while a bunch of old men look up my dress.

I have dreamt about this since I was a little girl.

And if I win, I get a year's supply of Weenie Tots.

All right!

Well, what's a Weenie Tot?

What's a Weenie Tot?

Peg, a Weenie Tot is a delicious little hot-dog type meat...

...wrapped in a breaded shell and deep-fried in pure lard.

It's nature's perfect food.

I need a hundred dollars for a new dress to impress the judges.

Well, can the pathetic dreams, Kel...

...because I got Dad's last hundred right here to meet the pres--

Can it be true?

My little girl, the symbol of this country's superiority...

...in chemically treated food?

And bringing home those little weenies to dear old Dad.

And maybe Daddy can share these little weenies with Mommy.

Listen. Gomez, Morticia.

Surely you can't compare bimboing around with pig parts...

...to my meeting the president of our United States.

Well, we've only got a hundred dollars left.

This is a tough call.

One is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And the other, meeting the president.

Gee, Al, what's a parent to do?

I can't believe I'm actually in the place where they make Weenie Tots.

Daddy, did you notice that there are no garbage cans?

Well, a lot of places now are into recycling, honey.

Attention, everyone. Mr. Shnick, president of Weenie Tot Incorporated...

...will be with you in a moment.

He's just briefing his vice presidents.

Okay. Okay, the girls are gonna be in here any minute.

Now remember, remember, you're all vice presidents.

Boobies. Boobies.

Johnson.

Now, you calm down.

Okay, get them in here, Flopsie.

Oh, there they are. Aren't they lovely? Come right in, come right in.

Make yourselves comfortable. Thank you, girls.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, I told you boys in janitorial...

...you wanna look at the girls, you gotta go around and peek in the windows.

Hey, I'm one of the parents.

I'd just like to say how much I love Weenie Tots, and...

...what's the secret ingredient?

We're not allowed to tell.

Oh, well. Kelly, good luck, honey.

I'm gonna go outside and play with Flopsie now.

You may be wondering what a 25-year-old millionaire...

...is doing with an 18-year-old daughter.

Not really.

Anyway, both her parents...

...especially her mother...

...died in a flaming car wreck.

Sir, you're spraying me.

My name is Butter Lefkowitz.

And I hope one day to be a doctor.

My name is Rhonda Rose and I believe we must stop pollution.

I'm Kelly, pronounced "Kelly," Bundy.

And I think guys with hooks for hands are cool.

And now for the all-important talent competition.

Dance.

Armed with only a long knife...

...I slayed the beast that crushed my wife...

...and left me alone in my mansion with the world's largest diamond.

Does it smell like feet in here?

I don't smell anything.

Give me one.

Okay, here's the truth.

I'm not 25.

I'm not a millionaire...

...and those were my feet.

But...

...here's the real story.

I'm Joe Namath.

Sixty-nine Super Bowl, babe.

That was me.

1969?

I wasn't even born yet.

Oh, Lord...

...I know I've come to you a time or two in the past.

Of course, you've been less than receptive.

Well, you know, the wife thing, the shoe thing, the life thing.

But Lord, this time I have a chance at winning...

...a year's supply of Weenie Tots here.

You know how good they are.

They're made up of all your creatures.

So...

...please let Kelly win, and if you do...

...I'll-- I'll be nice to everyone I meet forever and ever. Amen.

- Daddy! I won! I won! - What?

Get out of the way, behemoth!

And so continues our special half hour...

...on the four plucky Chicago area youths...

...who have captured the hearts of the nation.

Meeting with the president today...

...the ride in Air Force One...

...the gifts showered on them from corporate America.

But you have to wonder about the mysterious fifth youth...

...who didn't make the trip.

Well, I guess he had better things to do.

Hi, Bud.

Gee, why so glum?

Is it that president thing again?

Now, baby, come on.

There will be plenty of other once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.

Now, I know what would make up for this.

Let's go get ice cream.

Ice cream?

Do you think some lousy chocolate sprinkles can make up for this?

I could have ridden in Air Force One.

I could have had a scholarship to Harvard.

I could have been playing Nintendo with Dan Quayle in the war room.

This is the worst thing that's ever--

- Guess what! - The Weenie Tots are here!

This is the greatest day in the history of the Bundys.

Son, here.

"No one can look glum with a Weenie Tot on their tongue."

- What's the matter with him? - Oh, I don't know.

I know what would cheer him up. Let's take him for ice cream.

- Spare me your love. I'm going out. - Where you going?

Just take a nice little nap in traffic.

Well, don't forget your jacket.

Now, Peg, I gotta get back to work.

But at least I got something now to put in my lunchbox.

Oh, look, Al.

Weenie Tots is running a new Scratch and Sniff Sweepstakes.

"If your card smells like a weenie, you win $50,000."

- Let's open them all and see if we won. - Peg, no.

Read the label.

- "No nutritional value." - Keep reading.

- "This is not a food--" - No, no. The fine print.

"Do not expose Weenie Tots to air.

Will accelerate disintegration process.

Enjoy."

- I wanna know if we won. - I can tell you that.

We're Bundys. We didn't.

Now, Peg, I've got a year's supply of my favorite mock food.

It, like me, is highly unstable.

Al, if you don't want me to touch them, just say "Don't touch them."

- Don't touch them. - Then I won't.

The place smells like rat droppings.

Oh, no!

Woman, what have you done?

My Tots! My Tots!

My weenies have been exposed.

You've disintegrated my Tots!

Al, we didn't win.

- Look what you've done to my tots! - Could you think about me for once?

I have ruined my fingernails and I've had six nosebleeds.

Well, there's one box left. I may as well open it.

Peg, can we cut out the usual charade...

...of I forbid you and you totally ignore me?

So how about this? Can I eat the last box in peace?

Can you wait one minute while I go get a beer to wash them down?

Of course, honey.

Congratulations, Peg.

You just won a trip to Disney fist.

- Oh, my God! We won! - Fifty thousand dollars?

No!

Peg. Peg.

- Where do you wanna go? - Hawaii.

Okay, then I shall go to Europe.

I love you.

- We're wasting time. Let's pack. - Okay.

- What's going on? - Nothing.

Don't give me that.

- You won the Sniff Stakes. - We were just coming to tell you.

- To tell you all about the contest. - Spare me your pork-scented lies.

At this point I'm practically raising myself anyway...

...so I tell you what.

Just give me the money in your pockets right now...

...we'll call it even.

Okay.

Ingrate.

Goodbye, son.

Goodbye, loving parents.

By the way, here's a little something to chat about...

...on the way back from the airport.

You can't win.

You're ineligible because your daughter...

...is now a Weenie Tot employee.

We'll be poor for the rest of our lives!

Bite on that weenie!

- Is he right, Al? - I'm afraid he is, Peg.

Oh, what to do, what to do.

Well, maybe Kelly can help us out of this.

Boy, am I beat.

All day long, cut the ribbon, wave, cut the ribbon, wave.

Heavy is the head of she who wears the crown.

Cut the ribbon, wave.

Well, this is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us.

What we need is a dupe.

Someone dishonest enough to cash this ticket for us...

...yet honest enough not to run off with the money.

In other words, someone mighty stupid.

So we're talking a fifty-fifty split.

- What do you say? - This is the lowest idea I ever heard.

If you want someone to cheat a business...

...you have come to the wrong people.

What you need, Al Bundy, is a criminal.

And I'm no criminal and I don't know anyone who is.

I'll do it.

What do you mean, "I'll do it"?

What part of "I'll do it" didn't you understand?

Let's just put aside the dishonesty of this for a minute.

At least remember that you are a white-collar criminal.

This man, at best, is a ring-around-the-collar criminal.

Now, honey, you don't wanna be in league with someone...

...whose greatest accomplishment has been putting shoes on his knees...

...and sneaking into the movies as a child.

Besides, I don't want to wind up Bonnie to this man's Clod.

Marcie, we're talking about $50,000 here.

That buys a lot of Motion Lotion.

Deal.

And so the four Chicago wonder kids...

...arrived at Geneva for their summit with leader--

Come on, let's get some real news on.

Now the unusual story of the winning of the Weenie Tots Sniff Stakes...

...which occurred a short time ago.

Hey, it looks like Jefferson's getting ready to blow town with his wife.

He's supposed to blow town with me.

I mean, "us."

As Miss Weenie Tot, I am pleased to present...

...this check for $50,000 to Mr. Jefferson D'Arcy...

...a man that I have never, ever met before.

And, I might add, does not live next door to me...

...and has no prearranged plans to split the money with anyone in my family.

So, what do you plan to do with my Daddy's money, Mr. D'Arcy?

What Mr. D'Arcy intends to do with the money...

...is to make partial reparations to the aged and stupid people...

...he defrauded in the notorious Lake Chicamocomico land scandal.

Good, good. I'm glad. Glad, I say.

I knew this would happen the moment I heard Al Bundy was involved.

That's B-U-N-D--

Hey, hey. That's my mother's bracelet.

I'm not the criminal. Al Bundy is the criminal.

Hi, Daddy.

Leave town-ay.

The jig is up-say.

Gee, Al, maybe I made a mistake in letting Kelly in on the plans.

Well, honey, at least it's over.

No, Peg, it's not over.

Now it's over.

What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys?

Same thing every night, Weenie Tots.

Book me.