Original subtitles

Is it really gonna happen today, Daddy?

Are we really gonna eat?

That we are, kids. And this time it's no pipe dream.

I gave your mother some money, towed her car to the supermarket...

...tied her hands-- Tied her hands to the cart, put my foot on her rear...

...and jump-started her towards the meat department.

Get ready, kids, because soon our mouths will be alive...

...with dead animals from every race and religion.

You make it sound so good, Dad.

Tell us again what supper was like when you were a boy.

You young'uns never get tired of hearing?

- No. - All right.

Well, back in the old days whenever the sun would go down...

...we'd all gather at a table much like this one.

Matter of fact, it was this one.

And there before us...

...stretched as far as the eye could see was meat.

Oh, do I remember the meat.

I was only 5 years old, but I remember my dad telling me:

"Save your table scraps for Mommy."

Of course, we never did.

Oh, look, Dad, your little boy's eating again.

Daddy, who made you this meat?

Well, back then, we called her Mother.

See, kids, Mother meant home cooking.

Of course, back then, gay meant happy.

Dad, were there any vegetables?

Yeah, but we pushed them to the side. Saved room for biscuits and butter.

And not that hard butter either that cruelly rips the bread.

But soft butter that spreads smooth like your grandma's butt on a barstool.

Where's our meat, woman?

Al, did you get these kids into a frenzy again over this eating thing?

You won't be happy till I'm as afraid to come home as you are, will you?

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-doody.

You with your fairy stories about meat.

And you, who goes to the market and brings home what?

Something with letters that aren't even in alphabetical order.

Which I suspect are of use for only those who can read.

We were promised food, and what do we get?

Just another meatless Monday. This is no fun day.

It's the meat D.T.'s.

Bud, take your sister for a walk...

...and don't tie her to a hydrant and go for a soda like last time.

Just because she can't think, doesn't mean she can't feel.

Honey, it would be good for you to be seen with a pretty girl.

Yeah, right. They'll just think I paid for her like everybody else.

Look, Buck has a bone.

Oh, God, it's got meat on it.

- Pookie? - Yes, honey?

Take all your clothes off right now.

Oh, baby. You finally want to do it.

No, but I need something to kill my appetite.

Peg, what did you spend the $20 on I gave you for food?

Well, I ate, of course, and then I bought this magazine:

Amazing Homes.

Just look at this house, Al.

Why can't we have a house with a name like Chateau Paradise?

Well, maybe I'm mismanaging my 3.20 an hour. Let's see.

Well, I'm sure that the shoe salesman that owns this house is...

Well, wait a minute. No, it's not a shoe salesman.

That's Bob "I'm a zillionaire" Hope's house.

Maybe this really big house is a shoe salesman.

No. Dagnab it. This is a drug lord.

Gee, I feel so worthless. You deserve so much more.

Your rear end should be squashing a couch much bigger than ours.

Oh, honey, you can be so sweet when you wanna be.

But don't feel bad. I never expected you to amount to anything.

The guy I fell in love with was just a crazy, carefree guy...

...with an easy smile and a fast car.

Of course, he wouldn't marry me, so I took you.

But I've never looked back.

Except when we kiss.

Don't look back next time I ask you to open the garage door.

If you do, you might see the mighty Dodge emblem bearing down on you.

Yeah, like I'd really stand in front of your car.

Al, I'm telling you. This magazine says we can have a lovely home...

...and it says it doesn't cost very much money.

All it takes is a decorator's eye...

...which I have, according to Professor Lavar.

Professor Lavar?

- How much, Peg? - You're just gonna love him, Al.

He's the professor at the Cook County School of Interior Design...

...of which I am now enrolled.

- How much, Peg? - I feel so good.

Two thousand dollars.

I have finally found my calling...

...and I knew you'd be happy for me, honey.

Honey?

Oh, Al, watch out. Let me get your tongue.

You spent $2000 on a decorating school?

Well, it must be my fault. Sure, I'll take the blame.

I didn't have to say "I do."

I could've taken your uncle's shotgun blasts in the back, be done with it.

Then we couldn't have had that great reception...

...where your father whispered, "If you like my son, I'm twice as fun."

Oh, come on, Al. Go with me on this decorating thing.

I'm really good at it. You'll see tomorrow.

My homework assignment is to make one room in this house...

- ...breathtakingly beautiful. - Peg, this is my house.

If you want it to look better, dust.

If you want it to smell better, cook.

If you want it to be happy, leave.

But do not touch this house.

I am not a man happy with change.

Well, that explains your job and your underwear.

Peg, I'm warning you, touch not a hair in this house.

Do not redecorate.

I won't.

A pox on you.

Like I'd notice.

This seems normal.

Yep, normal.

Let me check upstairs.

She listened to me. It's normal.

Son, I'm glad you're here.

I want to talk to you about being a man.

- See, son, a man-- - I know what you're getting at.

You think I want to be home early on a Friday night?

You think I'm not trying desperately to get a date?

You think I like hearing the chants, "Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit.

- Bud, Bud, will touch no--" - I don't wanna talk about you.

I wanna talk about my great victory over your mother.

Revel with me, son. She listened to me.

I put my foot down and your mother listened to me. Know why?

Because I am the man.

The chief. The king. The boss.

Bob's Big Boy with fries, extra cheese, maybe a little bacon.

God, I'm hungry.

But anyway, Bud, always remember that the man is the boss.

Because the man-- And it's proven the world over.

Any country you go to, no matter what it is, there's always a word for man.

Dad, are you absolutely sure you're my real father?

Yes.

Don't you know I called for an immediate blood test?

Son, now I'm going to go celebrate my victory...

...the way a man celebrates his victory.

How long was I out?

A good 45 minutes.

Why didn't you come get me?

Dad, you're always in there for 45 minutes.

You did 45 minutes in the bushes one time.

That was the Jenkins' yard. That was a good spot.

Well, their roses won prizes that year.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, Bud. Hey, where's Kelly?

We haven't seen her since you took her for a walk.

So I forgot.

Well, don't worry. How much trouble can she get into...

...double-knotted to a telephone pole in front of the Pussycat Theater?

Okay, Al. Now, I know you've seen the bathroom.

What do you think?

Well, Peg, it's just like your hair got larger and became a room.

So you like it?

Peg, you took my once mighty Ferguson...

...and you put a little pink, fuzzy thing on it.

It cried out to me in its pain, Peg.

It's a toilet, Al. It can't talk.

I've known it long enough to know what it's thinking.

You've desecrated the toilet I call home.

Oh, Al. There is plenty of you left in that bathroom.

- Where's my shaving cream? - Right cup of the bra rack.

- Where's my razor? - In the tampon carousel.

Where's my deodorant?

That is a trick question. You don't use any.

You promised, Peg.

Well, I promised not to do a room in this house.

- A bathroom is not a room. - Yes, it is a room.

It says so on the title. Bathroom.

From the Greek, bathroqopolis.

A quiet oasis away from camels and women.

I have to machete through pantyhose to use the one upstairs.

Gee, Al, I don't think you want to do that.

You see, I did that one sort of more like a woman's bathroom.

You know, it has ballerina faucets and a bidet.

Oh, and a Mel Gibson shower nozzle.

It's shaped just like his head.

God, I feel so clean.

Gee, I hope Professor Lavar likes it.

Him and the entire class are coming over tonight to grade me.

But, Peg, now I have no place to go to the bathroom!

Oh, stop whining, you big baby.

Why don't you at least try the new bathroom?

I put a very special feature on it.

When you flush the toilet it plays "We've Only Just Begun."

Peg, you know that's our wedding song.

Every time I hear it, it freezes up my innards solid.

Oh, come on, honey.

Just try it. If you don't like it, you never have to do it again.

Yeah, right, I've heard that before. If that was true, explain Bud to me.

No! No! No!

Peg, I tried it. I don't like it.

- Change it back. - No.

Peg, a bathroom should be cold, white, soothing.

It should say, "Step up to the bowl, partner, and make it a double."

But, Peg, my toilet's not a man.

My Ferguson has become Fergie.

- Switch it back, Peg. - No.

I see what we have here. We have a battle of wills. That's fine.

Because I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make.

- Was that John Keats? - That was Bundy.

Al Bundy, man.

Peg, if you don't change my toilet back, there are plenty of single women...

...that have just the kind of bowls I'm looking for.

So test me, Peg...

...and you'll see me sitting in a bathroom in a penthouse apartment...

...with a blond with a match waiting outside the door.

- Mother-in-law visiting again? - Yeah. How about you?

- My daughter's home from college. - Now that's rough.

Hey, new guy, what are you in for?

Wife made the bathroom pink.

Thanks, guys. What's it like in there?

White. Cool. Graffiti disparaging women and a couple boasts from guys...

...about how long it would take them to get Connie Chung pregnant.

Hey, you in there, what did you do, fall in?

Hey, the new guy's funny.

You bum.

What do we do now?

If you don't mind the drive, nothing beats Barney's.

They don't even have gas pumps anymore, just acres of toilets.

Wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here...

...and it's not my place to speak up, but what are we doing?

We're men. We were put on this planet to-- Well, I don't know.

But we're here, damn it, and we're Americans.

We have a right to use the best toilet system in the free world.

Are we to use a gas-station bathroom, like some common Russki?

We're being driven from our homes, room by room...

...running like a Frenchman from a cap gun.

And from whom?

From our women. They've taken over our closets...

...driven us out of our bedrooms by their very nakedness.

Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doody Dandy.

Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.

All right. Yeah.

- So, what do we do now? - Well, how bad could it be?

I'm going in.

Gee, I've been needing something for church.

Hi, honey. What are you doing home?

I thought you were out on the town marking your territory.

Woman, I have come to take back what is rightfully mine.

My bathroom.

Oh, not now, Al.

I'm really nervous. This is the first thing I've done I'm proud of...

...since I got them to up your MasterCard limit to 100 dollars.

- Hello, Mrs. Bundy. - Hello.

- Hi, Peggy. - Hi.

Class...

...how many decorating don'ts do we see?

Oh, don't mind him.

He's just chopping wood for his dinner.

Come upstairs and see my bathroom.

Change it, Peg, or suffer the consequences.

Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen? You marry me?

Then I have no choice.