Original subtitles

Yep.

Finally, a day off.

Oh, I'm gonna have me some fun.

What?!

Hi, honey. Are you enjoying your day off?

Peg, you know I am.

Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me?

Sex, chores, what?

Well, I guess we'll just stick to chores today.

But I'll give you a choice: shower or fix the doorbell.

How much work is it to fix the doorbell?

Well, unlike taking a shower, you might have to raise an arm.

Oh, Al, it makes this wheezing, pathetic sound.

I'm embarrassed to have my girlfriends hear it.

Oh, come on, they've heard worse.

You know, "Move along, Bossie, no grazing here."

Or, "Hey, how about sharing that cud?"

Excuse me.

That's the doorbell, Al.

Come in.

Oh, hi, I'm Brenda. I'm your new neighbor.

I just moved into the house across the street.

Oh, yeah, the old Thomson house.

You know, he used to be in charge of the soy trough over at Mr. Egg Roll.

But then he got promoted to the guy who says, "What size drink with that?"

So we knew he'd be moving to a better neighborhood.

- Hi, I'm Peggy. - Hi.

If you want anyone to tell a secret to, just tell me.

Oh, and if you need any gossip on any of the neighbors, just ask me.

People tell me everything.

Yeah? I've heard about the people who live on the other side of you...

...the Bundys.

Boy, the stories I've been hearing about them.

They say the husband will steal your paper, stalk your pets...

...and eat your garbage.

Hey, half a potato is not garbage.

Anyway, this moving in is difficult.

It's harder because I don't have a man.

I know. Where do you find one these days?

The movers left my couch in front of the house, and I have a job interview.

I dance on tables for men near airports.

I was wondering if you could watch it for me until I get back.

Well, a quarter might keep my eyes open.

You know, it's funny, a quarter used to keep them closed in high school.

Well, miss, it's my day off, and as you can see, I'm all alone...

...so I don't mind moving that couch for you.

Well, it is a big couch.

But then, you're a big man.

Hi, I'm Brenda Kostrowski.

Peggy, do you mind if I borrow this big strong guy?

Yeah, okay. Just have him back by tomorrow.

He has to perform brain surgery in the morning...

...and he has a loafer sale in the afternoon.

Oh, my mother worries so.

After you, my rear. I mean, my dear.

You are too tired to fix the doorbell and yet you can go move her couch?

Yeah.

Let's hurry up and get that couch inside before Peg wants to go sit on it.

Why do we have to fix the doorbell?

Well, Kelly, that's why grown-ups have kids.

They have me to fix things and you...

...to say, "What's that?" every time you see an airplane.

Now, you're sure the power's off.

For the thousandth time, yes, the power is off.

Help me!

Kelly, spell "off."

Spell it!

"O" something.

Well, I'm just gonna go change the old underwear...

...and we'll start this again.

Maybe next time you can go the extra mile...

...and put a bucket of water for me to stand in.

Peg! Peg, come here!

Guess what happened.

Buck stood upright and he's taking over your job.

- Yeah, like he could work the register. - Oh, please.

- Just tell me what happened. - Well, after I moved Brenda's couch...

...she said I was cute. Oh, Peg, I think she likes me.

Oh, honey, how could she?

Oh, believe me, Al-- And I'm telling you this as your wife and as your friend.

no one likes you.

Face it, sweetie. I know you better than anyone...

...and believe me, she sees you as the world sees you:

As cheap labor.

Now, how about a beer?

Hi, Mom. Listen...

...Bud needs this to stand in while he fixes the doorbell.

I've gotta go tease my way up and down the block.

I heard from the women in the neighborhood...

...that there's a new stud in town.

Al, Kelly and I have some mother-daughter stuff to do.

We'll be home by dark. What'd you hear about him?

Well, they said that he's big and strong and good-looking.

Help me get this ring off.

- Okay, what else? - That's it.

They were watching him move a couch into some house across the street.

I wonder who he is.

Kelly, that stud...

...used to tuck you in when you were a baby.

They were looking at the garbage man?

Al, it was nothing.

She was a baby, she was crying, I was watching the soaps.

He just couldn't stand the noise.

Kelly, that stud is me.

- You're funny, Daddy. Now, who is he? - Tell her, Peg.

Tell her who the good-looking stud is...

...who has all the neighborhood women shaving their moustaches.

It can't be. I'm going outside.

There's gotta be someone else out there.

What did they say about me?

Well, they said you had the arms of a blacksmith...

- ...and the legs of a god. - Did they say anything about my butt?

I was bending over a lot out there. Did anyone notice? Did they? Did they?

- They liked it, Dad. - Yes!

And do you know why they liked it, pumpkin?

Because you played high school football?

Because I played high school football.

It never really fades, does it?

You wanna see me in my uniform?

No.

But I bet you Bud would. I'll just go get him.

Oh, those poor Al-starved neighborhood women.

Hey, if loving me is wrong, they don't wanna be right.

Pumpkin, can I ask you something?

When two people are as beautiful as we are...

...is it terrible to flaunt what we have?

Terrible? It's an obligation.

A duty. I mean, it's like belonging to whoever wins you in a knife fight.

Yeah.

But the important thing is to never let them touch you.

Remember, they will never buy the cow if they can get the eggs for free.

I did.

Anyway, I'm gonna do a few pushups and go out there and wash the car.

Of course, I'll need a rag.

- Where are you going? - Where does it look like I'm going?

Mr. Pudding Belly tryouts?

No, my little couch doily. I'm going to wash the car.

This can't be happening.

They couldn't be talking about him. They just couldn't.

I don't know what he's doing out there.

There is not a woman to be found anywhere.

- He's back! - Look!

He's washing a car!

Looks like I got some suds on my pants.

Al, stop that.

Mind your own business.

I don't know what they're looking at.

They've never seen flies circle the head of a man before?

No, it's attitude.

I mean, for example...

...let's just say that there's somebody so unattractive in this room...

...that even the girl cats won't let him pet them.

Now, how would this person--

Well, let's just call him Bub. - get attention?

He could go on using his daddy's credit card...

...you know, calling date hotlines and saying he's Señor Pablo, U.N. diplomat.

Or he could learn, before he loses his hair to reveal his head pimples...

...that if you think you're hot, other people will too.

Señor Pablo will not forget this.

You should've seen it, Peg.

A million women staring at me, hooting and screaming.

Now I know what the Beatles felt like.

Sweetheart, there were three women out there.

One was 60, one was 80...

...and one was older than the tree they used to cut for her wooden leg.

Hey, that's how Tom Jones started, baby.

Excuse me, Mr. Bundy.

I was trying to wash my car, but I'm just a weak little woman.

Would it be asking too much for you to come over--

You know, without your shirt. - and buff my bumpers?

Now, don't go getting your nose hairs in an uproar.

You are not going anywhere.

Now, I don't know where this sexy "I'm a human being" nonsense came from...

...but it's gonna stop right now.

Too late. The fuse is lit and the fire is on. Burn baby, burn.

It's an Al inferno.

Marcie, I tell you, this is serious.

Something is going on.

He showered.

In the morning.

Now, the only time that Al used to shower was right after we had sex.

Immediately after.

Sometimes even during.

And you know what else?

He bought a toothbrush...

...with a rubber tip.

- Oh, Peggy. - I know.

I don't know what to do.

He's happy. He smells good.

He's even making more money at the shoe store.

And last night, when I was rifling through his pants to get some of it...

...I found these:

Tic tacs.

Well, according to the book I've just read...

...Keep Him Down, Keep Him Down, Keep Him Down:

A Woman's Guide to Happiness...

...you don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white underwear.

The time to sweat is when men buy underwear in a tube.

You know, the bright-colored ones fat European men use as bathing suits.

Well, I don't have to worry about that.

Al would never give up his white Hanes underwear.

Size 34, three to a pack.

I know that because I bought him a three-pack a couple of years ago...

...and he still has two he hasn't even used yet.

Ladies.

Excuse me, I should say, "Lovely ladies."

Hi, Al.

Shut up.

What are you doing home in the middle of the day?

I just thought I'd freshen up a bit with a shower and then go back to work.

Oh, by the way, have you seen my new underwear?

Zebra-striped.

He looks just as good going as he does coming.

Marcie!

Sorry, I don't know what came over me.

Peg, you gotta come up and check me out in my new underwear.

You can bring Marcie too.

Can we, Peggy, can we?

A large foot? You, madam? Oh, no.

You merely have a full-figured foot.

Oh, you.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Oh, please.

Now, how many ballet slippers can I fix you up with?

You've been so delightful, I'll just take them all.

- This is for the shoes. - Thank you.

And this is for the Cookie Monster.

Well, serving number 57.

- Me, me! - Me!

- I'm number 57! - Al!

- Al! - Take a number.

Oh, it's you. What's shaking, babe?

Every chin in this store.

Look, honey, I went shopping for food...

...and I brought you some very special treats:

Bread and cheese.

Just picture them all nicely laid out on a paper plate.

- Oh, come home with me, honey. - Sweetheart, you are a pearl...

...but as you can see, I have to be here for a long time.

I baked you a pie, Mr. Bundy.

Well, thank you.

- Put it over there with the others. - Okay.

Anyhow, Peg, love the bread, love the cheese...

...but I got my little shoe-store gig here...

...so why don't you go on home and run me a nice warm tub and--

Oh, by the way, lay out my leopard underwear.

- Serving number 57. - I'm number 57.

Mom, Al's not home yet.

Well, it's midnight and his tube is empty.

Mom, could you try not to eat corn while I'm talking to you?

Right. I'll call you in the morning.

Gee, kids, you know, I know I've dreamt about it...

...but what would I do if your father actually does leave?

Don't worry, Mom. I mean, you have the skills and education to...

- Well, you sit a damn fine couch. - Yeah.

- Daddy's home! - Dad!

Gee, Al, where have you been?

Oh, I was just...

...walking around, and I...

Then I stopped.

My underwear was killing me.

Even in a mild wind, you can freeze a cheek in these babies.

- Well, what happened, honey? - Well, this beautiful...

Very beautiful girl came in the store...

...and asked me to fly away to the Greek islands with her.

Well, did you go, Daddy?

Yes, pumpkin, I went. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Anyway, all she wanted was a love toy.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Oh, please.

The only feeling that you know...

...is Buck's fur against your cheek on a warm summer night.

- That's it! - Oh, now-- Now, kids.

It was every man's fantasy...

...to be kept by a woman whose skirt is as short...

...as the life span of the man that she chooses.

- But I said no. - Why?

Well, because I realized that everything I've been doing up to now...

...the bathing, the brushing, the changing of the socks...

...the being nice to people, the trying to succeed...

...it's all for nothing.

All those things are designed to attract.

And why should I be attractive?

I'm married with children.

Mom, look at him.

What's happening?

I'm scared.

He's coming back.

My Al is coming back!

Hanes! He's back!