Original subtitles

Yeah, well, I'm not going.

Me neither. Daddy doesn't like me driving his car.

Well, I'm not going.

He's your husband. You should pick him up.

Kids, we have been arguing like this...

...since your father called and said he had a bad fall and hurt his head.

Now one of us has gotta go get him.

Any volunteers?

Well, I can wait as long as you can.

Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was gonna go and pick you up.

Why didn't you use the method you used on our wedding day?

Have a couple of uncles baseball-bat my knees...

...throw me in the trunk of the car?

Or were they stuck in Wanker County where, as Einstein would put it...

...everyone's relative?

You kids see why I didn't want to pick him up?

"How was I injured," you ask?

Well, there I was...

...sloshing through the mall's wishing pond looking for change.

I spotted a quarter way far out.

Why can't they just make a wish and drop the quarter, huh?

Why do they gotta whip it way out there?

Well, I guess they think that dreams really come true...

...the closer you get to the drain.

Anyhow...

...this quarter was just within my reach...

...when I sIipped on some wishing-pond slime...

...and took a header right into the granite statue...

...of the goddess of the malls:

Half-Offeus.

Kids, you almost lost your daddy.

Well, did you get the quarter?

No, it was a pull-tab from a beer can.

Poor Al.

After such a trying night, you must be hungry.

Yes, Peg, I am hungry.

Very hungry.

Well, goodnight.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

Peg?

Peg?

Peg, I can't sleep.

I keep thinking of all those dimes and nickels...

...that I passed over to get to that beer tab.

So typical of my life. I was just this close to that quarter.

God, my head hurts.

Well, maybe next time you'll wear a helmet...

...before you go a coin-hunting.

Now goodnight.

You know what would feel good? A nice ice pack.

Al, you always do this.

You get the slightest little injury and you get all whiney.

Like last summer when changing the tires...

...and the car fell on you.

Boy, I really got a lot of sleep that night.

"I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!"

You are such a baby sometimes.

Now just go to sleep.

Some of us feel okay.

Oh, I can't sleep, honey, rub my tushy.

Yep, once a mighty athlete.

Peg! Peg, look! Look!

There's nothing there, Al.

Now go to sleep.

Peggy! Peggy!

Peg.

Three little green aliens came in here.

They stole my sock.

Honey, were they green before or after they touched your sock?

No, Peg, they stole my sock. It really happened.

Al, sweetheart, you banged your head tonight.

You are having an hallucination.

You're probably seriously hurt and need medical attention.

Now go to sleep.

Oh, baby!

Well, one of us has got to go get Daddy at the doctor.

Don't look at me, I didn't marry him.

I barely know the man.

Oh, hi, honey. We were just deciding who was gonna go and--

Well, don't bother, I'm home.

You know, it's funny...

...after a couple of hours, I realized...

...you weren't gonna pick me up...

...so I thought, "Well, you know, I'm dizzy and my head hurts...

...what better time to take the bus?"

So after five transfers and a quick jaunt through gang country...

...where we stopped briefly...

...so all the white males could be singled out and beaten...

...I'm home at last.

Did you bring us a TV Guide?

"What did the doctor say," you ask?

Well, don't worry. Though it looks bad and might have killed me...

...it's just a painful, nasty bruise.

Anybody like to see it?

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Anybody call?

Yeah, the Loch Ness monster and Bigfoot...

...wanted to know if you were on for poker tomorrow...

...over at Darth Vader's house.

The Klingons are bringing the chips.

Thank you, Peg.

Must you tell them everything that goes on in the bedroom?

One thing happens in five years and I'm not supposed to talk about it?

Honey, Cop Rock's on tonight, so we're going to the movies.

Come on, kids.

We're just gonna go pick up Marcie. And honey, we may be a little bit late.

It seems the octopus people have run amuck downtown...

...and you know what that does to traffic.

Dad, if there's any trouble...

...blow on this ring.

The alien police will come and save you.

What the hell are you looking at?

Maybe I didn't really see them...

...because if a great dog like you didn't sense their presence and bark...

...then I must be going crazy.

Oh, this is okay.

See, I...

I've had a head injury.

You're not really here.

Nope.

I don't see anyone at all.

Help me.

Moon men have my socks.

Over.

Al!

Al!

Well, guess he's not home.

Well, he couldn't be far.

The stench of failure is still in the air.

Kids, I think you better go upstairs and pack a bag.

Your father may be going away.

I just know he's gonna linger on and eat away at our savings.

Come on out of there, sweetheart. Come on.

Come on.

Well, now look what you've done.

Oh, he sells shoes. What's the difference?

Come on, sweetheart.

Marcie just did that because she loves you.

No, I did it because he calls me "Sergeant Carter Hair."

Come on, honey.

Come on over here and sit on the couch...

...and tell us what happened.

You'll laugh at me.

We won't laugh at you.

Well, the moon men came back, and took my socks.

Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots?

I guess they went up to the last idiot and said:

"Take us to your leader."

Look, you gotta believe me.

They came and took the socks off my feet, they measured my head...

...then went to the laundry basket and took socks there.

Does that sound like the ramblings of an idiot?

Ask Buck, he was here.

Ask Buck?

Okay.

Ah, Buck?

Honey?

Why don't you tell us what you and Daddy saw.

Well, he says he can vouch for five aliens...

...but, you know, he's nothing without his calculator.

We're sorry, Al. We shouldn't have doubted you.

You know, UFO Digest has pledged to pay one million dollars...

...to anyone with real proof of aliens having visited.

And with your dog's testimony and your standing in the community...

...why, that million's as good as yours.

All right, laugh if you will, but answer me this:

If there weren't any aliens...

...how do you explain these?

Well, if we were in Russia, I'd say Chernobyl.

Al.

Honey, when you fell into that pond...

...just exactly how long were you underwater?

Peg, haven't you learned yet...

...that nothing reveals itself in this bedroom when you're talking?

You know, you've been sitting there for three hours doing nothing.

If you're gonna do that, why don't you get a job at the post office.

Come on, boys, get me out of here.

Get off me, Buck!

They're not coming.

I give up.

They have to be used, huh?

Of course, the other ones were new.

You...

You guys mind if I take your picture?

Say "millions."

Whoa, alien!

Guys, just one more thing.

You sure you don't want the redhead for your intergalactic zoo?

I don't blame you. Well...

...live long and prosper.

I know I will.

I'm rich!

I'm gonna get the millions!

Did the aliens come, honey?

No.

Well, you woke me up.

Rub my tushy.

Rub it yourself.

Pictures come and I never go home

Pictures come and I never go home

One blonde, two blondes Three blondes, ah

Pictures come and I never go home

Hey, Mr. Telly-Man, we don't need the whole song.

- May I help you? - Gimme my pictures.

I got planes to catch, cars to buy, and families to leave.

- Name? - Bundy, but it'll soon change.

Gimme my pictures.

Bundy, Bundy.

Is that "Al Bundy"? 36 exposures? 1600 ISO?

Yes, yes.

This has only happened one other time since we've been at this location.

- What happened? - Well, do you know anything...

- ...about film developing? - No.

Well, neither do we.

But we learn as we go.

Today we learned that when the machine jams...

...you don't use a flashlight around negatives.

Were they anything important?

When's your court date, Al?

Thursday.

Congratulations...

...it's not every day a Bundy gets arrested...

...for assaulting a Photorama clerk.

Of course, you were in the right.

I mean, he did lose your photos of those little green guys.

That's right, play with the piranha.

Honey, I'm gonna go see your lawyer.

He may not realize that a previous judge...

...already declared you legally stupid.

It may help your defence.

What are you looking at?

You know they were real, you were here.

If you could talk you'd back me up, wouldn't you?

Yeah, right.

Mad men, they lock up...

...mad dogs, they shoot.

Of course.

You guys came to see the pictures, didn't you?

Well, the Photorama guy lost them.

No, no. No more pictures.

No, I broke my camera over some guy's head.

You guys, there's something you gotta know about me.

Even if I took more pictures of you it wouldn't come out right.

Everything I do is wrong.

Nothing I do seems to matter.

I don't know, I try...

...but just seems like Al Bundy wasn't meant to count.

You want my socks?

Would you guys mind coming on Geraldo with me?

You gotta go, huh?

I understand.

Oh, guys, just one more thing.

Why my socks?

...Al Bundy.