Original subtitles

Marry me, Cherise. You're the only one for me.

But, Blair, you said that to the twins, who are secretly your daughters...

...who you fathered when you were in that coma.

You can't really have children with a man in a coma, can you, Mom?

I think there've been two recorded cases.

I'm home and I'm feeling foul.

So let's have a parting of the butts, so I can sit down.

Is the fun always over when Daddy comes home, Mom?

It's just suspended now.

It's not officially over until he takes off his shoes.

Kelly, I know you're a high-school graduate...

...but you may be unaware of a new law.

Since 1989...

...the government only permits one human lump per family.

So I'm afraid the time has come for you to get a job.

Oh, no, Daddy, you're wrong.

Mommy says that I don't have to do anything. I'm a girl.

Sweetheart, your mother is the last of a vanishing breed:

The tyrannosaurus-do-nothingness.

But there's still hope for you, honey.

You can still get up off the couch without it making a suction noise.

So join with Daddy, won't you please, in actually earning a living.

But, honey, for Daddy's ego...

...try not to bring home more money than he does.

So I'd say, try returning pop bottles, but stop at 10.

They're two cents apiece, you know.

Gee, Your Honor, I don't know where that shotgun came from.

Now, Kelly, honey, you're getting old enough to know now...

...that you can't go on mooching off society forever.

So go over to Marcie's house, steal her newspaper...

...and bring back the section with want ads.

Al, did you really mean what you said about me?

You really think I do nothing?

Peg, if you did any less around here, it would be called haunting.

Well, then you have a pretty short memory.

It's me who brass-knuckles your underwear into that hamper.

And who invented the broomstick with the piece of gum on the end of it...

...to pick up your socks?

I believe it was I.

Now, I do plenty around here.

I want an apology.

And I want appreciation.

Until I get some, I, Peggy Bundy, am officially on strike.

Look, Daddy, I found a job. Listen:

"Pretty girls needed.

No skills. No talent.

No experience.

No redding."

That's "reading," honey.

No reading? Where are they gonna find anyone that stupid?

No, but look, $400 a month.

That should help out the family, eh?

Well, sweetheart, dear, this is an ad for a modelling school.

See, I'd have to pay $400 a month.

So, what's the problem?

Peg, could you describe the difference between paying and earning?

What am I asking you for? Of course you can't.

Come on, Daddy, I wanna be a model.

Maybe I can get one of those neat jobs standing in a store window.

Peg, you wanna take this one?

You wanna get on your hands and knees...

...and admit I'm everything to you?

Kelly, I'm not paying $400 a month...

...so you can walk around with a book on your head.

Hey, go ahead, pout all you want. It's not going to work.

I am a model.

I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Then I guess I'll just have to live on love.

- Not with me, I'm on strike. - Oh, no.

Then I guess I'll just have to live.

Look, Daddy. And you thought that your $400 was wasted.

- I'm okay, Daddy. - Sure you are, sweetheart.

Honey, now, go sit over there.

Sit down, dear.

I am a model.

Good, sweetheart.

But, honey, you have been a model for two weeks now.

You know, if the telephone rings, I'm not getting it.

Well, if I miss another dinner with the Trumps...

...I'm gonna take it out on the help.

Honey, this modelling thing isn't working out.

But I have an idea.

Why don't you take the skills you've acquired at modelling school...

...and get an important job.

One where you meet the public and serve them French fries.

But, Daddy, I can't stop now.

Modelling is in my blood.

I mean, even my teacher said that I am a natural-born leg-crosser.

Watch.

I can do it at will.

Okay, Kell, I did what you asked.

I put all your Garfield cartoons on cassette tapes...

...so you can listen to them in the car.

- Now can I meet the modelling babes? - Isn't he pathetic?

Right, don't worry about him. Honey...

...have you seen anything down there Daddy might like?

Yeah, you know, maybe there's a job for a runway model...

...with dirty underwear.

And now, here's Al...

...looking frisky for fall in his stained boxer shorts...

...and matching yellowing T-shirt.

Oh, note the holes, new this season for easy-access scratching.

Oh, thank you, Al.

And walking behind him, his socks.

Resplendent in their no-toe-or-heel look.

Thanks again, Al.

Gee, officer, if I thought my wife was missing...

...would I be in this bar drinking a beer?

Come on, Kell. I'll do anything.

Well, actually, you could help me study for this job audition at the auto show.

Can you be a car?

Then will I get to meet the babes? Pretty ones, as dumb as you?

- Dumber. - Oh, man.

- What kind of car am I? - 280 zit.

They'd better be mighty dumb, Kell.

Okay. Now...

...you just stand here and car.

My job is to come up with an interesting and exciting way...

...to introduce the new Allante.

- You ready? - Ready.

The new-- No.

The new-- No.

The new--

Four hundred bucks.

I'm getting an idea, I'm getting an idea.

How about this?

The new...

Oh, what's the name of the stupid car?

Kelly, why don't you just write it on your hand, like you do your name.

No, wait.

Topeka! I have found it!

- I don't think you mean Topeka, Kell. - Oh, yeah, that's right.

I meant, urethra!

How about this?

The new Allante.

What do you think?

- I think you got it. - I know I've got it.

I shall be the Allante girl.

For I have invented the Bundy bounce.

Allante.

Allante.

Allante.

I feel like I died and went to Dad's happy box in the basement.

I beg of you, Pepe le Pew...

...control your urges and your scent, okay?

- Okay. - I'm gonna go practice my Allantes.

Okay, I'm just gonna wander around...

...and see what's biting.

I do believe I sees my supper.

Hello.

I know you models are always watching your weight.

Care for a Bud Light?

I'm sorry, but I think you've mistaken me...

...for someone who would speak to someone like you.

Strike one.

Need some help?

One good turn deserves another.

Strike two.

Allantum. No.

Allantos.

Aluminum.

Kelly.

Allante.

Hi, Kelly. Been practicing?

Nope. Don't need to.

I'm slam-dunking this baby.

You seem pretty confident for someone...

...who got tension headaches during smiling class.

So, what are you doing for your audition?

Well, I come after you...

...so I guess I'll have to wait until the curly tail disappears.

Oh, then of course, after the cries of "sooie" die down...

...I'll do my best to follow in your hoofprints.

- Slut. - Skank.

Tramp.

Can't accessorize.

That hurt.

With you?

Foul tip.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but noticing you undressing me with your eyes.

How'd you like to hear my recipe for a love cocktail?

One cup of you, two cups of me, put it to boil and serve while hot.

I'll let you touch my hair if you go away and leave me alone.

- I have to audition. - You're wasting your time, babe.

My sister's got it locked.

- Who's your sister? - Kelly.

Anyhow, what do you say to you and me...

...and one of your friends makes three?

What exactly is Kelly doing?

She told me not to tell anybody.

Not even me?

No one.

Not even...

...me?

It's called the Bundy bounce and it goes like this:

The new Allante.

Thanks. That's all I needed to know.

Wait, you said I could touch your hair.

Okay, everybody. Ladies, attention.

Attention, ladies.

The client is here.

Let's show him what we can do, all right?

First up, Rochelle Alpert.

The new Alpert.

That's my name.

Allante. Allante.

Very good, very good, Rochelle.

Incense Berkowitz.

That's Incense Berkowitz.

Next.

Piper Bowman.

Gosh, I'm so nervous.

Well, then perhaps you should've worn underwear.

Just do the best you can, sweetheart.

The new Allante.

Thank you. I call it the Bowman bounce.

She stole my bounce.

Gee, how could that have happened?

Excellent. Excellent. And now, as if there was any need...

...Kelly Bundy.

The new...

...Allante.

It was my bounce.

Don't do anything, huh? Well, we'll see.

I'll break him. I'll break him.

How about you, boy?

Mommy does things for you, doesn't she?

You're not my mommy.

My mother has six nipples and would lick my belly.

You're the only one who understands.

Hey, Peg.

- Still on strike? - What does it look like?

You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

This has been the best two weeks of my life.

You know, the uncertainty is gone.

Accepting your utter uselessness has freed me.

Since I've been taking care of myself, food's better, conversation is better...

...and without sex, my hair's coming back.

It's not coming back, honey. It's just growing up out of your nose.

Peg, would it really make you feel better if I told you I needed you?

Yes, it would.

Well, I don't.

I got my food, got my drink, in a few minutes, got my ball game.

- Remote. Peg? - Yes, sweetheart?

The ball game's coming on in a few minutes.

- Where's the remote control? - You mean, your shooting iron?

Your magic wand?

The only way you could turn anything on.

Yes. Have you seen it?

Well, you know, sweetheart, yes, as a matter of fact, I have.

And I would love to tell you where it is but, gee, I can't.

I'm on strike.

Fine. Don't need it.

Watch TV without it.

There. Game's on.

We'll be back with the kickoff after these messages.

We'll be back with the second half after these messages.

I'm an active gal, and as such, I need maximum protection.

It's fine. I don't need it.

I'm happy.

I have everything else.

I don't need TV. How long has it been?

It's been 10 seconds. All right, Peg, I give up.

I'll do anything.

Give me what I need, baby!

Give me my remote control.

And what will daddy give mommy?

Well, I already told you I needed you. What else do you want?

Oh, no!

Oh, Peg, it's light out, for God's sake.

We'll be able to see each other. You know I hate that.

Well, honey, we wouldn't want anything...

...to happen to your remote control, would we?

Okay, honey. But just a quickie, okay?

- No, I want the full minute and a half. - Okay.

- And I want the shoes off. - Oh, God!

How could she know about the Bundy bounce?

I mean, the only one who knew besides me was you.

How could she find out?

Well, I may as well face it...

...we may never be able to piece this thing together.

Hi, kids. Did you know your father is hanging from the window...

...butt bare to the world, screaming for help?

That's okay, Mom's with him.

Well, if you'll excuse me...

...someone stole an idea from me and cost me a modelling job...

...so I'm going to handle this the only way that us Bundys know how:

With swift and blinding violence.

Oh, no, now, wait a minute, young lady.

If you've got a problem you want to solve with violence...

...shouldn't you talk to your parents?

- You can run, but you can't hide. - No, Peg! Oh, no!

Could I perhaps help in any way?

Well, you could wait outside with the engine running.

Kelly, haven't you ever heard the phrase:

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"?

But if you pull their wings off they'll eat what you give them.

No, Kelly, let me put this another way.

You're a woman now, not a child.

You should solve your problems in the mature, sophisticated way of the adult.

Call 911! Hurry! Hurry!

And if your parents were adults instead of stick figures...

...I'm sure they would agree with me.

So my advice to you would be to go to this person...

...and appeal to her sense of fairness. Explain how much she hurt you...

...and she'll respond to your maturity with maturity.

For women, unlike men, have the capacity to feel.

We talk things out.

So you tell her a cheater never wins and a winner never cheats...

...and she'll give you that job back.

And now, the car of tomorrow.

The new Allante.

Now, please follow me to our next exhibit.

Well, congratulations, Miss Bundy.

- But what happened to Miss Bowman? - Oh, stage fight-- I mean, fright.

- Well, congratulations. - Thank you.

Oh, Bud. I came, I saw, I bounced.

Today, the Allante girl, tomorrow, slut in a Bon Jovi video.

Reach for those stars, eh, Kell?

You should feel pretty proud. You didn't even read your hand.

Yeah, but now I have to read my hand because I wrote myself a little note.

It says, "The one who...." Oh, what's that word?

"...told about the Bundy bounce was... See other hand."