Original subtitles

Kelly Bundy, you have just been elected president of the United States.

What message would you give to the American people?

Let's dance.

On, no. Not the president dream again.

Kel?

Who let the dog in the White House?

I got a date tonight.

Now, I need you to smell me and tell me what you think.

That daring combination of Noxzema and Vaseline.

You know, it has that sexy...

...just-out-of-the-hospital smell.

It's Open Sesame, you idiot.

The official cologne of Buster Douglas.

One shot and you're down for the count.

Face it, Bud, you're a cootie.

So you have two choices.

You can either go out with the female version of yourself, a "cootessa"...

...or you could try a human girl.

In which case, you're gonna need money.

I'm home.

Back, you guys. Back, I say. Sit! Down! Heel!

- I don't have any money. I swear. - Money, money, money!

- Money, money, money. - No! No! No!

Jackpot!

Kids, wait a minute. Your old dad's starving. Could you please just--?

Who cares?

I'll get my woman to get me some food.

Wonder where the monster is.

There's the coffin opening now.

You know, I really feel good.

Eight hours at night, eight hours during the day.

So you going to work, coming home, what?

I'm never sure. I just go where the car takes me.

Al, what are we gonna do tonight?

Peg, I thought tonight we might do something different.

You know the newlywed couple at the end of the block.

I peeked in their window.

Oh, you're so kinky, baby.

Peg...

...I wanna do what they were doing.

Well, I'm game. What were they doing?

They were eating!

Like everyone else on the block, like on every block all across the country.

Feed me, feed me. You don't have any food? That's all right.

Take an arm, cook it up, pass the ketchup.

Just feed me.

You know what would take your mind off of food?

Eating?

No, silly. Taking me out.

Let's go to the movies. I know one we'd both enjoy.

It's Shirley MacLaine, Glenn Close, Meryl Streep and Sally Struthers...

...in Woody Allen's Oh, My Head.

Please feed me.

- Get the door, honey. - No.

It must be that pizza I ordered for you.

Hi, Al.

Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's no pizza.

Oh, pizza tonight, huh?

Save up a few pay-checks, did we?

Peg, it's for you. It's Frosty the No-man.

Now, where's my pizza?

Honey, you couldn't really believe I ordered you a pizza.

God, you are so funny.

- What you doing tonight, Peg? - Come on, Peg.

You really did order me a pizza, didn't you?

Oh, of course I did, honey.

Well, you can see my evening's entertainment.

- What do you got going? - I'm going dancing.

Hey, since neither of us has a man, why don't you join me?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

The good thing about it, if he's more than 20 minutes late, we get it for free.

Dancing, you say?

Al, would you mind if I went dancing with Marcie?

Peg, I don't care if you marry her and move in with her.

Peg, did you remember to order extra cheese?

You know, Peg, I love extra cheese.

Yes, I know you do, honey.

It's coming, it's coming.

Oh, gee. I don't know if I should be here, Marce.

I feel guilty having fun while Al's still alive.

There is nothing wrong with going out every now and then to a classy place...

...for some good innocent fun.

Oh, boys.

Incoming.

- Hey, Marcie. - You look gorgeous.

Oh, look at the desperation.

It's just everywhere.

Can people really be so hard up for human contact?

- Wanna dance? - You bet.

Gee...

...you're so dry.

- I didn't know a man could be so dry. - Well, I...

I never knew a woman could be so red.

- You know, you dance divinely. - Oh, do you really think so?

Yeah, I just wonder if maybe next dance I could lead.

I haven't done it in two years.

You haven't danced in two years?

Well, I haven't danced in 12 years.

At first I thought you were just being playful...

...but I do believe that's my wallet you've got in your hand.

I'm sorry.

Force of habit.

So...

...where are we going?

Anywhere you want, babe.

Now, I told you, when you're with me...

...the world is your oyster.

I'm not getting on a bus.

And I wanna get fed.

No problem.

Dad, I need 20 bucks, fast.

Look what I got waiting for me.

She's a tramp.

I love that cologne.

Yeah, right.

Hi, honey. I ordered you a pizza.

No, I'm not falling for that one. I was at that window so long...

...the neighborhood kids thought I was a jack-o'-lantern.

Now, feed me or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Al, would you just forget about food? Come dancing with me. It'll be fun.

You can hold me like you used to.

Come on, Peg. That was after a six-pack and a dare.

Well, all right. I'll go dancing by myself.

But I'm warning you, it's getting harder and harder to fend off the men.

Well, Peg, I trust you, but if you do meet another man, promise me this:

Don't feed him, because that would really hurt.

- You stink. - Wash my socks.

Dad...

...how come you let Mom go dancing all the time?

That's something married people do so they don't have to see each other.

Every time that Mom goes out, she asks if it's okay with you.

It's because she wants you to say:

"Don't go. Stay here with me. I love you."

See, sometimes people just test you to see whether or not you care.

Anyhow, I'm going out.

I've got a date with three bikers.

One of them just got out of prison.

I probably won't be home till about 3 or 4 in the morning.

Have a nice time, honey.

Gee, I hope that wasn't a desperate cry for help.

Oh, well. At least I'm alone.

Well, I hope that's a Jehovah Witness...

...wanting to discuss hours of philosophical observation.

- You Al Bundy? - Yes, hold the applause.

- What do you want? - I think you ought to know...

...that your wife has been seeing my husband.

Let me get this straight, pardon the expression.

You say that your husband...

- ...is running around with my wife? - Yes.

Your husband?

Yes.

You know you're a guy, right?

Yes.

Well, then we got three guys that won't touch my wife. What's the problem?

It's Andy. I'm afraid that he's slipping away from me.

You see, before me...

...he had a woman.

Well, before my wife I had a woman too.

You don't understand. This is serious.

He leaves the house every Tuesday and Thursday.

I trail him in the station wagon. They dance all night.

They giggle. She dips him. She lifts him.

She tosses him around the room like Godzilla with a railroad car.

Oh, God, what did I do to deserve this?

Easy, big fella. Easy there.

I'm sure we can figure out what happened.

Maybe your guy isn't getting what he needs at home.

- Oh, no, our sex is great. - I don't wanna hear about that.

- Do you cook for him? - Every day.

My mother always said, "A happy man is a well-fed man."

And I do feed my man, I'll tell you that.

Well, yeah, yeah.

We'd like to know what you make for him.

Well, tonight, for example, I made him a nice juicy steak.

- And what else? - A nice baked potato.

You made it yourself? It's not the kind...

...where he has to go to the door and wait, and the potato never comes.

No, but that's terrible when that happens.

Well, maybe he's just tired of you sitting at home while he's out working.

No, I work. I'm an office manager. Forty thou a year.

That bastard.

Guys like that deserve what they get.

- He's getting your wife. - Well, let the punishment fit the crime.

I don't know.

Maybe it's my fault.

Andy's a man about town...

...whereas I just like to stay home and watch a ball game.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

You work, you cook, and you like sports?

Yeah, except for soccer. I mean, that's not really a man's game.

I love you.

You know, I just don't understand it.

I mean, I know that Andy's crazy about me...

...and yet he hasn't made a move on me.

He's been a total gentleman.

What's wrong with him?

Well, who cares? You gotta see this guy's tattoo.

It's a ship.

You should see his sub.

You know, it's not like I wanna do anything with Andy.

I just wanna turn him on, drive him wild...

...make him sweat, and then say no.

Just like I always meant to in high school.

Hiya, beautiful.

So do you find me beautiful?

I think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known...

...except for my mother, and, of course, Judy Garland.

Oh, Andy, you're embarrassing me.

- I've got something to tell you. - I bet you do.

Well, I wanna be honest with you...

...because you've always been honest with me, Lola.

Oh, Andy. I know what it is that you have to say.

But before your passion bursts into flame, I have to tell you...

...you can't have me, because...

...I'm engaged.

All right, I'm married.

I have a confession to make too. I'm also married.

You pig!

You've got a lot of nerve leading me on.

I didn't mean to. I just wanted to have a good time and get out of the house.

Besides, just because you're married doesn't mean you're dead.

Doesn't mean you're alive either.

You know, the one good thing about us both being married...

...is it sort of takes the pressure out of this flirtation.

I mean, you don't have to worry about turning me on...

...and I don't have to worry about turning you on.

But if that should happen, then that's just something you'll have to deal with.

Oh, I like to see a man enjoying his food.

Want some cake?

Hey.

It's warm.

Yeah, just baked it.

I'm sorry about using a dog dish, but you have no plates.

That's okay. See?

It says my name on the side.

What are you sitting all the way over there for? Come over here.

Al, you gotta help me.

I want my husband back.

Isn't there any way you can talk to him?

Well, I don't know, Pete. What about us?

Won't that interfere with our quality time?

No. No, no, Al, I'll make time. I'll make time for you.

We'll go to a ball game, make us a picnic basket...

...with crispy fried chicken.

I'll even get you your very own bowl.

My own dog bowl? With just my name on it?

This sounds too good to be true.

- You're not just saying that, are you? - I'm not a food tease, Al.

I'll fry for you, if you can get my man back.

I'll do it.

To you, Al.

To us.

A shoe salesman? Come on, nobody's a shoe salesman.

Well, he thought he'd start at the bottom and stay there.

Oh, my God, it's Al.

- I'm out of here. - No, you're not.

Hold me tight. Maybe he'll get jealous and finally show me some attention.

- No, he's awfully big. - Yes, and he's tough too.

But don't worry, I won't let him hurt you.

How dare you!

Oh, Al, I'm so glad you're here. The things he wanted me to do.

Kick a hole in him, honey.

Is your name Andy?

- Yes, sir. - Get over there.

Oh, Marcie, Al's gonna kick the hell out of Andy.

He does care.

Look, I don't care what you're doing with my wife...

...but you got a good man at home...

...that any man would be proud to call his wife.

He cooks, he cleans, he works.

You've obviously gotten over that little he's-a-man thing.

So, what else do you want from the poor guy?

Oh, Marcie, Al's so cute when he's jealous.

I'm the one that ought to be going out at night. I'm married to that over there.

But you, you ought to be home with a man...

...who can bake a potato like nobody's business.

You had Pete's potato?

I did. And I would've had his peach cobbler too...

...if the damn dog didn't come get his bowl back.

Now, you go home and tell your wife that you love him.

You're right, Al. And if you don't mind, you should tell your wife you love her.

- Mind your own business. - Sorry.

Well, guess I've got a wife to go talk to.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Well, Mr. I-Don't-Care-What-You-Do.

Paint you green. You were jealous.

I was not jealous.

Was to. Admit you care.

Would that make you happy?

Yes.

I care.

- I'm not convinced. - That's because I don't care.

- Come and dance with me. - I care, I care.

Too late, too late.

Gee, Andy was real good-looking, huh?

I'm trying to count here, Peg.

You know, this ought to be a lesson to you, Al.

If you don't want me, there's plenty of guys that do.

Right, Peg.

You should've seen the way he looked at me.

He wanted me bad.

Everybody wants you bad, Peg.

Every one of us.

Oh, admit you're lucky to have me as your wife.

I could've had anyone.

I could've had Andy at the snap of a finger.

He was sexy, he was hot, he was...

He was a homo, Peg.